Emotional inteligence
12The Family CrucibleIt's a low-key family tragedy. Carl and Ann areshowing their daughter Leslie, just five, how to playa brand-new video game. But as Leslie starts toplay, her parents' overly eager attempts to "help"her just seem to get in the way. Contradictory ordersfly in every direction."To the right, to the right—stop. Stop. Stop!" Ann,the mother, urges, her voice growing more intentand anxious as Leslie, sucking on her lip andstaring wide-eyed at the video screen, struggles tofollow these directives."See, you're not lined up . . . put it to the left! Tothe left!" Carl, the girl's father, brusquely orders.Meanwhile Ann, her eyes rolling upward in frustration,yells over his advice, "Stop! Stop!"Leslie, unable to please either her father or hermother, contorts her jaw in tension and blinks asher eyes fill with tears.Her parents start bickering, ignoring Leslie'stears. "She's not moving the stick that much!" Anntells Carl, exasperated.As the tears start rolling down Leslie's cheeks,neither parent makes any move that indicates they
363/661notice or care. As Leslie raises her hand to wipe hereyes, her father snaps, "Okay, put your hand backon the stick . . . you wanna get ready to shoot. Okay,put it over!" And her mother barks, "Okay, move itjust a teeny bit!"But by now Leslie is sobbing softly, alone with heranguish.At such moments children learn deep lessons. ForLeslie one conclusion from this painful exchange mightwell be that neither her parents, nor anyone else, forthat matter, cares about her feelings. 1 When similar momentsare repeated countless times over the course ofchildhood they impart some of the most fundamentalemotional messages of a lifetime—lessons that can determinea life course. Family life is our first school foremotional learning; in this intimate cauldron we learnhow to feel about ourselves and how others will react toour feelings; how to think about these feelings and whatchoices we have in reacting; how to read and expresshopes and fears. This emotional schooling operates notjust through the things that parents say and do directlyto children, but also in the models they offer for handlingtheir own feelings and those that pass between husbandand wife. Some parents are gifted emotional teachers,others atrocious.
- Page 312 and 313: 312/661that the explicit hierarchy
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- Page 380 and 381: 380/661distress of a child nearby w
- Page 382 and 383: 382/661of the brain's limbic center
- Page 384 and 385: 384/661In ensuing months, the Purdy
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- Page 388 and 389: endured semistarvation, the slaught
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12
The Family Crucible
It's a low-key family tragedy. Carl and Ann are
showing their daughter Leslie, just five, how to play
a brand-new video game. But as Leslie starts to
play, her parents' overly eager attempts to "help"
her just seem to get in the way. Contradictory orders
fly in every direction.
"To the right, to the right—stop. Stop. Stop!" Ann,
the mother, urges, her voice growing more intent
and anxious as Leslie, sucking on her lip and
staring wide-eyed at the video screen, struggles to
follow these directives.
"See, you're not lined up . . . put it to the left! To
the left!" Carl, the girl's father, brusquely orders.
Meanwhile Ann, her eyes rolling upward in frustration,
yells over his advice, "Stop! Stop!"
Leslie, unable to please either her father or her
mother, contorts her jaw in tension and blinks as
her eyes fill with tears.
Her parents start bickering, ignoring Leslie's
tears. "She's not moving the stick that much!" Ann
tells Carl, exasperated.
As the tears start rolling down Leslie's cheeks,
neither parent makes any move that indicates they
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