Emotional inteligence
268/661that he is an innocent victim. It puts his spouse in a nowinsituation: even things she does that are intentionallykind can be reinterpreted when viewed through such anegative lens and dismissed as feeble attempts to denyshe is a victimizesPartners who are free of such distress-triggering viewscan entertain a more benign interpretation of what isgoing on in the same situations, and so are less likely tohave such a hijacking, or if they do, tend to recover fromit more readily. The general template for thoughts thatmaintain or alleviate distress follows the pattern outlinedin Chapter 6 by psychologist Martin Seligman forpessimistic and optimistic outlooks. The pessimisticview is that the partner is inherently flawed in a waythat cannot change and that guarantees misery: "He'sselfish and self-absorbed; that's the way he was broughtup and that's the way he will always be; he expects me towait on him hand and foot and he couldn't care lessabout how I feel." The contrasting optimistic view wouldbe something like: "He's being demanding now, but he'sbeen thoughtful in the past; maybe he's in a badmood—I wonder if something's bothering him about hiswork." This is a view that does not write off the husband(or the marriage) as irredeemably damaged and hopeless.Instead it sees a bad moment as due to
269/661circumstances that can change. The first attitude bringscontinual distress; the second soothes.Partners who take the pessimistic stance are extremelyprone to emotional hijackings; they get angry,hurt, or otherwise distressed by things their spouses do,and they stay disturbed once the episode begins. Theirinternal distress and pessimistic attitude, of course,makes it far more likely they will resort to criticism andcontempt in confronting the partner, which in turnheightens the likelihood of defensiveness andstonewalling.Perhaps the most virulent of such toxic thoughts arefound in husbands who are physically violent to theirwives. A study of violent husbands by psychologists atIndiana University found that these men think likeschoolyard bullies: they read hostile intent into evenneutral actions by their wives, and use this misreadingto justify to themselves their own violence (men who aresexually aggressive with dates do something similar,viewing the women with suspicion and so disregardingtheir objections). 17 As we saw in Chapter 7, such men areparticularly threatened by perceived slights, rejection, orpublic embarrassment by their wives. A typical scenariothat triggers thoughts "justifying" violence in wife-batterers:"You are at a social gathering and you notice thatfor the past half hour your wife has been talking and
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- Page 250 and 251: PART THREEEMOTIONALINTELLIGENCE APP
- Page 252 and 253: 252/661staggering 67 percent! 1 If
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circumstances that can change. The first attitude brings
continual distress; the second soothes.
Partners who take the pessimistic stance are extremely
prone to emotional hijackings; they get angry,
hurt, or otherwise distressed by things their spouses do,
and they stay disturbed once the episode begins. Their
internal distress and pessimistic attitude, of course,
makes it far more likely they will resort to criticism and
contempt in confronting the partner, which in turn
heightens the likelihood of defensiveness and
stonewalling.
Perhaps the most virulent of such toxic thoughts are
found in husbands who are physically violent to their
wives. A study of violent husbands by psychologists at
Indiana University found that these men think like
schoolyard bullies: they read hostile intent into even
neutral actions by their wives, and use this misreading
to justify to themselves their own violence (men who are
sexually aggressive with dates do something similar,
viewing the women with suspicion and so disregarding
their objections). 17 As we saw in Chapter 7, such men are
particularly threatened by perceived slights, rejection, or
public embarrassment by their wives. A typical scenario
that triggers thoughts "justifying" violence in wife-batterers:
"You are at a social gathering and you notice that
for the past half hour your wife has been talking and
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