Emotional inteligence
262/661An early warning signal that a marriage is in danger,Gottman finds, is harsh criticism. In a healthy marriagehusband and wife feel free to voice a complaint. But toooften in the heat of anger complaints are expressed in adestructive fashion, as an attack on the spouse's character.For example, Pamela and her daughter went shoeshopping while her husband, Tom, went to a bookstore.They agreed to meet in front of the post office in anhour, and then go to a matinee. Pamela was prompt, butthere was no sign of Tom. "Where is he? The moviestarts in ten minutes," Pamela complained to her daughter."If there's a way for your father to screw somethingup, he will."When Tom showed up ten minutes later, happy abouthaving run into a friend and apologizing for being late,Pamela lashed out with sarcasm: "That's okay—it gaveus a chance to discuss your amazing ability to screw upevery single plan we make. You're so thoughtless andself-centered!"Pamela's complaint is more than that: it is a characterassassination, a critique of the person, not the deed. Infact, Tom had apologized. But for this lapse Pamelabrands him as "thoughtless and self-centered." Mostcouples have moments like this from time to time,where a complaint about something a partner has doneis voiced as an attack against the person rather than the
263/661deed. But these harsh personal criticisms have a farmore corrosive emotional impact than do morereasoned complaints. And such attacks, perhaps understandably,become more likely the more a husband orwife feels their complaints go unheard or ignored.The differences between complaints and personal criticismsare simple. In a complaint, a wife states specificallywhat is upsetting her, and criticizes her husband'saction, not her husband, saying how it made her feel:"When you forgot to pick up my clothes at the cleaner'sit made me feel like you don't care about me." It is anexpression of basic emotional intelligence: assertive, notbelligerent or passive. But in a personal criticism sheuses the specific grievance to launch a global attack onher husband: "You're always so selfish and uncaring. Itjust proves I can't trust you to do anything right." Thiskind of criticism leaves the person on the receiving endfeeling ashamed, disliked, blamed, and defective—all ofwhich are more likely to lead to a defensive responsethan to steps to improve things.All the more so when the criticism comes laden withcontempt, a particularly destructive emotion. Contemptcomes easily with anger; it is usually expressed not justin the words used, but also in a tone of voice and anangry expression. Its most obvious form, of course, ismockery or insult—"jerk," "bitch," "wimp." But just as
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An early warning signal that a marriage is in danger,
Gottman finds, is harsh criticism. In a healthy marriage
husband and wife feel free to voice a complaint. But too
often in the heat of anger complaints are expressed in a
destructive fashion, as an attack on the spouse's character.
For example, Pamela and her daughter went shoe
shopping while her husband, Tom, went to a bookstore.
They agreed to meet in front of the post office in an
hour, and then go to a matinee. Pamela was prompt, but
there was no sign of Tom. "Where is he? The movie
starts in ten minutes," Pamela complained to her daughter.
"If there's a way for your father to screw something
up, he will."
When Tom showed up ten minutes later, happy about
having run into a friend and apologizing for being late,
Pamela lashed out with sarcasm: "That's okay—it gave
us a chance to discuss your amazing ability to screw up
every single plan we make. You're so thoughtless and
self-centered!"
Pamela's complaint is more than that: it is a character
assassination, a critique of the person, not the deed. In
fact, Tom had apologized. But for this lapse Pamela
brands him as "thoughtless and self-centered." Most
couples have moments like this from time to time,
where a complaint about something a partner has done
is voiced as an attack against the person rather than the
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