Emotional inteligence
190/661effectively—all bespeak the power of emotion to guideeffective effort.
7The Roots of EmpathyBack to Gary, the brilliant but alexithymic surgeon whoso distressed his fiancée, Ellen, by being oblivious notonly to his own feelings but to hers as well. Like mostalexithymics, he lacked empathy as well as insight. If Ellenspoke of feeling down, Gary failed to sympathize; ifshe spoke of love, he changed the subject. Gary wouldmake "helpful" critiques of things Ellen did, not realizingthese criticisms made her feel attacked, not helped.Empathy builds on self-awareness; the more open weare to our own emotions, the more skilled we will be inreading feelings. 1 Alexithymics like Gary, who have noidea what they feel themselves, are at a complete losswhen it comes to knowing what anyone else aroundthem is feeling. They are emotionally tone-deaf. Theemotional notes and chords that weave through people'swords and actions—the telling tone of voice or shift inposture, the eloquent silence or telltale tremble—go byunnoted.Confused about their own feelings, alexithymics areequally bewildered when other people express their feelingsto them. This failure to register another's feelings isa major deficit in emotional intelligence, and a tragicfailing in what it means to be human. For all rapport,
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effectively—all bespeak the power of emotion to guide
effective effort.
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