Emotional inteligence
114/661proportionate to circumstance. When emotions are toomuted they create dullness and distance; when out ofcontrol, too extreme and persistent, they become pathological,as in immobilizing depression, overwhelminganxiety, raging anger, manic agitation.Indeed, keeping our distressing emotions in check isthe key to emotional well-being; extremes—emotionsthat wax too intensely or for too long—undermine ourstability. Of course, it is not that we should feel only onekind of emotion; being happy all the time somehow suggeststhe blandness of those smiley-face badges that hada faddish moment in the 1970s. There is much to be saidfor the constructive contribution of suffering to creativeand spiritual life; suffering can temper the soul.Downs as well as ups spice life, but need to be in balance.In the calculus of the heart it is the ratio of positiveto negative emotions that determines the sense of wellbeing—atleast that is the verdict from studies of moodin which hundreds of men and women have carriedbeepers that reminded them at random times to recordtheir emotions at that moment. 1 It is not that peopleneed to avoid unpleasant feelings to feel content, butrather that stormy feelings not go unchecked, displacingall pleasant moods. People who have strong episodes ofanger or depression can still feel a sense of well-being ifthey have a countervailing set of equally joyous or happy
115/661times. These studies also affirm the independence ofemotional from academic intelligence, finding little orno relationship between grades or IQ and people'semotional well-being.Just as there is a steady murmur of backgroundthoughts in the mind, there is a constant emotionalhum; beep someone at six A.M. or seven P.M. and hewill always be in some mood or other. Of course, on anytwo mornings someone can have very different moods;but when people's moods are averaged over weeks ormonths, they tend to reflect that person's overall senseof well-being. It turns out that for most people, extremelyintense feelings are relatively rare; most of usfall into the gray middle range, with mild bumps in ouremotional roller coaster.Still, managing our emotions is something of a fulltimejob: much of what we do—especially in our freetime—is an attempt to manage mood. Everything fromreading a novel or watching television to the activitiesand companions we choose can be a way to makeourselves feel better. The art of soothing ourselves is afundamental life skill; some psychoanalytic thinkers,such as John Bowlby and D. W. Winnicott, see this asone of the most essential of all psychic tools. The theoryholds that emotionally sound infants learn to soothethemselves by treating themselves as their caretakers
- Page 64 and 65: 64/661capacity of attention that ho
- Page 66 and 67: 66/661the amygdala, whatever the ne
- Page 68 and 69: PART TWOTHE NATURE OFEMOTIONALINTEL
- Page 70 and 71: 70/661After transferring to a priva
- Page 72 and 73: course it accounts for. But what da
- Page 74 and 75: 74/661level of young people of comp
- Page 76 and 77: 76/661margins of games rather than
- Page 78 and 79: 78/661competencies and gifts, and c
- Page 80 and 81: 80/661varieties of intelligence. In
- Page 82 and 83: 82/661discern and respond appropria
- Page 84 and 85: 84/661Mr. Spock, the archetype of d
- Page 86 and 87: you get that are essential for inte
- Page 88 and 89: 88/661for instance, so highly value
- Page 90 and 91: the subtle social signals that indi
- Page 92 and 93: 92/661adept in the realm of mind bu
- Page 94 and 95: 4Know ThyselfA belligerent samurai,
- Page 96 and 97: 96/661faculty of mind in writing of
- Page 98 and 99: 98/661• Self-aware. Aware of thei
- Page 100 and 101: 100/661Temple University, to assess
- Page 102 and 103: 102/661Gary was emotionally flat, c
- Page 104 and 105: 104/661silent. When her therapist t
- Page 106 and 107: 106/661Elliot's tumor, growing just
- Page 108 and 109: 108/661accepting virtually every po
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- Page 112 and 113: 112/661just out of his awareness an
- Page 116 and 117: 116/661have treated them, leaving t
- Page 118 and 119: worked themselves into a rage in or
- Page 120 and 121: explain why some views about it are
- Page 122 and 123: are so much more prone to anger if
- Page 124 and 125: subsided, and a third on top of tho
- Page 126 and 127: can no longer think straight. When
- Page 128 and 129: it stops that angry train of though
- Page 130 and 131: Tice found that ventilating anger i
- Page 132 and 133: 132/661the anxiety disorders: phobi
- Page 134 and 135: 134/661method. In short, the worrie
- Page 136 and 137: 136/661thoughts, they do not seem t
- Page 138 and 139: 138/661learn relaxation methods tha
- Page 140 and 141: 140/661finally, make the psychologi
- Page 142 and 143: 142/661people ruminate. Worrying ab
- Page 144 and 145: and think of more positive alternat
- Page 146 and 147: 146/661references to it in the thou
- Page 148 and 149: 148/661state, but not so well for d
- Page 150 and 151: pain of their own. Throwing oneself
- Page 152 and 153: 152/661troubling situation such as
- Page 154 and 155: 154/661not faking their lack of awa
- Page 156 and 157: 6The Master AptitudeJust once in my
- Page 158 and 159: 158/661When emotions overwhelm conc
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115/661
times. These studies also affirm the independence of
emotional from academic intelligence, finding little or
no relationship between grades or IQ and people's
emotional well-being.
Just as there is a steady murmur of background
thoughts in the mind, there is a constant emotional
hum; beep someone at six A.M. or seven P.M. and he
will always be in some mood or other. Of course, on any
two mornings someone can have very different moods;
but when people's moods are averaged over weeks or
months, they tend to reflect that person's overall sense
of well-being. It turns out that for most people, extremely
intense feelings are relatively rare; most of us
fall into the gray middle range, with mild bumps in our
emotional roller coaster.
Still, managing our emotions is something of a fulltime
job: much of what we do—especially in our free
time—is an attempt to manage mood. Everything from
reading a novel or watching television to the activities
and companions we choose can be a way to make
ourselves feel better. The art of soothing ourselves is a
fundamental life skill; some psychoanalytic thinkers,
such as John Bowlby and D. W. Winnicott, see this as
one of the most essential of all psychic tools. The theory
holds that emotionally sound infants learn to soothe
themselves by treating themselves as their caretakers
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