The Niggle Magazine (issues 6-10)

ISSUE 6 Autumn 2020 FREE Twitter @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 

SATIRE AND CARTOONS TO ANNOY THE HUMOUR POLICE 

Balanced reporting on a 

mainly peaceful protest

THE NIGGLE 

WHO TO CONTACT: 

Niggle Magazine is an online, 

satirical publication that 

comes out four times a year 

and is produced by a small 

team of European writers and 

an African cartoonist (Look at 

us, how diverse are we, how 

diverse are we!). It is put 

together at various internet 

cafes and free wifi hotspots 

across London, UK. Email 

nigglemagazine@protonmail. 

com or check out Twitter at 

@nigglemagazine. But please 

don’t tell us we’re not funny 

because then we’ll have to go 

away and rethink our sense of 

humour. And that wouldn’t do. 

Our magazine is free. Visit 

www.nigglemagazine.com for 

more gubbins. 

And if you want to advertise 

with us then please email 

us for ad rates. Ads can link 

to your website. Imagine that! 

Full-page, half-page and 

quarter-page space available - 

but you must provide artwork. 

WHAT PEOPLE HAVE 

BEEN SAYING ABOUT 

OUR MAGAZINE: 

‘Speaking as an end of 

the world Extinction 

Rebellion moonbeam with 

a falafel and a drum, your 

comic provided a valuable 

source of laughter while 

we were building our Ark 

for the apocalypse.’ 

‘Speaking as a man who 

has missed his period 

this month, keep up the 

good work.’ 

Stop 

showing 

off 

2020: It’s a dream, yeah? 

Well, what a year. It has all been some 

sort of strange dream hasn’t it? 

And to think we all thought that Covid 

would be the only story in 2020. But oh 

no. A whole heap of assorted nonsense 

has kicked off. Mainly caused by rich, 

spoilt Westerners with no real problems. 

Certainly not compared with poor people 

across the globe. 

The best way to stay sane is to turn off 

the news and do something else. Or you 

can just observe, let it all wash over you, 

and simply make fun of it all - which is 

this magazine’s approach. 

So, what’s in our Autumn issue. Well, 

we’ve got some great new cartoon strips: 

Butch Lesbian and the Sundance Kid - 

following the adventures of a gay activist 

in Wild West America; and Planet Woke 

- looking into the near future to a black 

and white world devoid of humour and 

nuance. And we’ve also got a hot off the 

presses report on the discovery of the 

Dead Sea Pronouns - ancient parchments, 

recently found in caves, which prove there 

were also 378 genders in biblical times. 

We’ve also been getting a lot of 

supportive comments on Twitter, as well 

as lots of people wanting to help us out 

financially (see below), which is great. 

So, until next time, enjoy. 

Ed. 

Our magazine is totally free and we intend 

to keep it that way. But, at the moment, 

we lose money on every issue because 

of online running costs and paying our 

contributors. 

So, we have set up a PayPal donate 

link for anyone wishing to support our ‘if 

it’s funny, it’s funny’ cause. Just click the 

button at the end of this article and donate 

as much, or as little, as you’d like. 

Even donating the price of a cup of 

coffee will buy us a cup of coffee. And 

that would be lovely. 

And our elderly proprietor Sir Norbert, 

who is only just back from fighting in the 

Boer War after taking a wrong turning just 

outside Todmorden, will be most grateful. 

So why not join The Apostolic Holy 

Order of The Niggle Magazine? We’ll 

even give you a title based on your Twitter 

name (unless you want to be anonymous) 

which you are welcome to use when you 

PROPAGANDA: 

Some recent tweets to 

promote our lowly rag: 

The Niggle Magazine... 

We’re all in the gutter, but some 

of us are looking at the gutter. 

3.5% funnier than the BBC’s 

comedy output. 

Just give me one tangible 

benefit of reading our magazine. 

Go on. You can’t, can you. 

Sponsored by Lammy & Butler - 

the race-baiters cigarette. 

The publication that’s doing 

the work, educating itself, and 

trying harder. 

Woke activists at the Queer 

Theory coalface. 

As wet as a dribbler’s chin. 

WORLD OF WOKE 

Head chefs at the endangered 

species banquet. 

Our ‘if it’s funny, it’s funny’ cause 

are next mixing among woke high society. 

Imagine that! The envy of your North 

London pilates class. 

So, we need to say a massive thank you 

to these blessed individuals for donating: 

Archbishop Anna of the 

first donation. 

Archdeacon Jebbingtons. 

Monsignor Sobriety. 

The Very Reverend JJ. 

Artful Archdeacon Dodger. 

Monsignor de Morgan. 

Primate Weak Socialist. 

Archdeacon Alexandra. 

Monsignor Sylvie. 

Cardinal Galileo. 

The Very Reverend Richard. 

Pastor Karen. 

Pastor Neil. 

CLICK HERE TO DONATE

TOONS: BUTCH LESBIAN & THE SUNDANCE KID 

To Tweet individual stories visit @nigglemagazine and click on the ‘Media’ tab. Loads there 

3

IN BRIEF 

DEAD SEA PRONOUNS 

WASHING HANDS: The UK 

Government has issued advice 

to residents concerned about the 

increase in gun and knife crime, 

statues being defaced and pulled 

down, and organised disorder and 

violence in major cities. In an 

urgent press conference, aimed at 

reassuring the public, the Prime 

Minister said: “Our advice is this. 

Wash your hands. Social distance 

by staying two metres apart. Use 

hand sanitiser.” When a journalist 

asked what specific advice the 

PM would give to an old person 

scared to go into the town centre 

because of protests and riots, 

he replied: “Wash your hands. 

Stay two metres apart. Use hand 

sanitiser.” 

PRESS TRAINING: A new 

honours degree in journalism is on 

offer at universities across the UK 

in response to more young people 

hoping to enter the profession. 

The three-year course looks in 

detail at everything a budding 

writer needs to know to become a 

successful journalist today. 

The four modules are: 

1. Look at Twitter all day. 

2. Find a handful of people who 

are outraged by something that 

you are also outraged about. 

3. Blow it out of all proportion 

and write a 600-word story. 

4. Repeat the above throughout 

your career. 

Applications are now open. 

PEANUT BRAIN: 2020 has 

been renamed Chinese Year of the 

Peanut Brain. The decision was 

made by Chinese authorities after 

watching the behaviour of people 

across the globe over the past 

few months. A spokesman said: 

“There have been a hell of a lot 

of people - leaders of countries, 

and also in the general population 

- who have, by their statements 

or actions, shown that they 

actually have a very small peanut 

instead of a brain. So we think it 

is important to honour this fact by 

changing Year of the Rat to Year 

of the Peanut Brain.” 

The Dead Sea Pronouns, 

inset, were found in 

these Judaean caves 

Archaeologists find 

Dead Sea Pronouns 

Ancient scrolls show there were 

also 378 genders in biblical times 

The LGBTQ+ community expressed 

excitement this week following the 

discovery of ancient parchments from 

the first century AD listing hundreds of 

genders still used today. 

The scrolls - which are currently being 

authenticated by archaeologists - were 

discovered inside caves in the Judaean 

desert by Bedouin shepherds. 

Although they are thought to be almost 

2,000 years old, the parchments clearly 

show a long list of 378 gender pronouns 

Government declares racism ‘racist’ 

Racists reacted with dismay this week 

after racism was declared ‘racist’. 

White supremacist groups 

issued a collective groan, and 

then a statement, in response 

to the UK Government’s 

announcement on Monday. 

Group spokesman Adolf 

Hitler said: “It has gone too 

far now. I understand that things 

‘Leeway’ 

including Ze, Zir, Hir, Ve, Vir and Viz. 

Queer theory student Jennifer 

Binky-Binkerton said the discovery was 

“absolutlah fantarrrstuck”. 

She said: “The fact that ancient people at 

the time of Jesus were enlightened enough 

to know and record all their pronouns is 

incredible. They were being persecuted for 

their beliefs and being nailed to crosses, 

but they still recognised what was really 

important in life. Addressing someone as 

‘Xem’, for instance.” 

such as sombreros and maracas should 

be banned in the current climate - 

you know, cultural 

appropriation and all that - 

but ‘racism’. Come on!” 

Mr Hitler said he would be 

pushing the Government to 

at least let him “just hate the 

Jews”. “A bit of leeway would 

be nice,” he said. 

4 

To Tweet individual stories visit @nigglemagazine and click on the ‘Media’ tab. Loads there

TOONS: PLANET WOKE - THE FUTURE IS IN BLACK AND WHITE 


5

CHAMPERS HAMPER 

KKK and NF send champagne 

to BLM for race war success 

Thanks for completing what 

we could not, say far-right 

groups to Black Lives Matter 

The Ku Klux Klan and the National 

Front have sent hampers containing 

champagne, Swiss chocolates and 

cut flowers to Black Lives Matter 

organisers to say thank you for 

provoking a race war. 

Klansman ‘Big’ Billy ‘Whitey’ 

Whitemann said he will be forever 

grateful to BLM for finishing what 

the KKK started. 

He said: “Of course we’ve had our 

successes in the past of pitting whites 

against blacks, but recently we’ve 

taken our eye off the ball. 

“Thank the Lord that BLM came 

along when they did to put race 

relations back 30 years. 

“We can now just let them get 

on with it, while we concentrate on 

flouncing about in pointy hats.” 

MADE UP ADVERTISEMENT 

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7

Trainee slave owners 

‘will now reconsider’ 

Vast support for slavery vanishes 

after Bristol statue is pulled down 

IN BRIEF 

People in Bristol who were hoping to 

become slave owners have said they’ll 

“think again” after the statue of Edward 

Colston was pulled down by protesters. 

The monument to the former merchant 

and MP, who was involved in the Atlantic 

slave trade 340 years ago, was toppled and 

pushed into Bristol harbour in June. 

One resident of the town said, “It’s really 

made a difference. During the early part 

of this year, you couldn’t move for people 

who wanted to bring back slavery - the 

town was chock-a-block with ‘em. But 

with the statue coming down, all that has 

changed.” 

Another said: “All my life I’ve wanted 

to be a slave owner. I was all set to post 

my application to study it at university 

and everything. But as soon as the Colston 

statue was toppled - wham! It really hit me 

in the face that slavery wasn’t such a good 

thing after all.” 

LEAVE ME ALONE: A human 

statue street entertainer has said 

he’s tired of being pulled over by 

protesters. He said: “I’ve been 

toppled 17 times by mobs shouting 

‘cultural appropriation’. I’m 

wearing a Mexican hat, but I’m a 

bloody Mexican. Leave me be.” 

Rapist didn’t wear covid mask 

A rapist has come under fire this week 

after it emerged he was not wearing a 

mask while carrying out his crimes. 

The sexual predator has been 

labelled “uncaring” and 

“selfish” by many people in 

the community who have 

been sticking to Covid social 

distancing rules and wearing 

face coverings to protect others 

from getting the virus. 

One resident said: “I don’t know 

how he gets away with it, to be honest. 

The vast majority of people are sticking 

to the covid rules, but this 

fella thinks he can flout those 

rules when he’s out and about 

doing what he does. It’s really 

terrible.” 

Another said: “I’m not a 

snitch, so I don’t want to report 

him, but it’s not good enough.” 

BEGUM TIME: Shamima 

Begum has been announced as 

presenter of the BBC’s Question 

Time programme. Begum, the 

British-born woman who left the 

UK to join Islamic State, will 

replace Fiona Bruce at the helm 

of the show if problems over her 

citizenship can be resolved. A 

Question Time spokesman said: 

“We are pleased to announce 

Shamima as our new presenter. 

The BBC has always championed 

diversity and inclusivity, and, 

apparently, she’s an absolute joy 

to work with. And to any critics of 

this decision, let’s not let a little 

thing like supporting a murderous 

group responsible for beheadings 

and ethnic cleansing stand in the 

way of inclusion and vibrancy. 

RIOT FOR PEACE: A riot for 

world peace has been planned for 

next month in London. Rioters are 

set to gather in Trafalgar Square 

with the intention of looting and 

destroying shops and screaming 

at anyone not joining in - pressing 

home the message of “kindness 

and caring for fellow human 

beings”. One organiser said: “We 

are rioting for love and decency. 

And fuck any piece of scum that 

doesn’t join in.” 


BAD APPLES 

CBS report: Atomic bomb on 

Hiroshima ‘mainly peaceful’ 

A peaceful day, 

until a few bad 

apples did this 

CBS has been criticised this week after 

it described the day of the devastating 

bombing of Hiroshima as “mainly 

peaceful”. 

The American network’s evening 

news report - which was looking back 

at the deadly explosion of August 1945, 

which killed and seriously 

injured hundreds of thousands of 

people - stated that “the day was 

spoiled by a few bad apples who just 

happened to have an atomic bomb”. 

The report added: “Everyone seems 

to forget the peaceful few hours leading 

up to the bombing when there was little 

or no trouble.” 

IN BRIEF 

NEWS FLASH: An unexplained, 

cosmic, electrical flash which 

left humanity unable to speak or 

broadcast the words ‘women’, 

‘diversity’ and ‘Ranganathan’ has 

left the BBC’s output in tatters. 

Large swathes of BBC Radio 4’s 

listings were left blank this week 

following the galactic event, with 

television news and drama also 

feeling the hit. TV planners said 

they had to resort to showing old 

repeats of shows from the 1970s 

and 80s from Monty Python, 

Spike Milligan and Dave Allen. 

One viewer, who wanted to 

remain anonymous, said: “Thank 

f*ck for that.” 

It’s yer woke joke checker 

We all like to hear a good joke, 

that’s a given. But is the joke 

you’re being told woke enough? 

Well, we can help. Before laughing 

at a joke, check this list before 

making your chuckling sound: 

1. Does the joke contain a diverse 

mix of people? Ideally, one from 

each continent - a sort of United 

Nations of humour. 

2. Are there any sexual or racial 

stereotypes involved? 

3. Did the joke-teller put on a funny 

foreign accent for comic effect? 

Beware, as this may be what’s 

known as cultural appropriation. 

4. Did the joke-teller say any words 

or phrases that could be seen as 

microaggressions? 

Only when you have meticulously 

examined all the points on the list, 

may you then proceed to the laugh 

stage. And don’t forget to enjoy 

yourself! 

ZE SPAKE: Christians were 

given a holy blow this week after 

God revealed he would like to be 

referred to by the gender pronoun 

‘Ze’. The Supreme Being, who 

previously was always spoken 

of using ‘He’ or ‘His’, revealed 

the preference to members of a 

small Baptist church in Ohio on 

Tuesday. One churchgoer said: 

“Ze spake, we listened.” 


9

Fatima under Covid 

Death rates are falling so there’s no need 

for a silly face covering, says our reporter 

Who would have thought that in 

the year 2020 we’d all be walking 

around wearing face coverings? 

It’s unbelievable in this so-called 

modern age. 

Listen, I’m no Covid denier, so 

fair enough when the virus hit its 

peak, but death rates have now 

dramatically fallen. Why are we 

still having to cover our faces? 

These masks are making us look 

ridiculous. I would say they make 

us look like letterboxes but that 

would be Covidist. 

But at the very least it’s turning 

us into subservient clones that all 

look the same. 

The government needs to see 

sense and put an end to all this 

nonsense. Stop it! 

We lose money on 

every issue, so even 

donating the price of a 

cup of coffee will buy 

us a cup of coffee. And 

that would be lovely. 

Click here for details 

on how to donate. 

10 


A GUIDE TO 

RAPPERS 

TROUSER 

Are you a sufferer? How 

far gone are you? Here’s 

our handy guide to help 

with your diagnosis. 

The I NEED A POOP POOP 

Save time on your toilet routine by letting 

your trousers fall down before you actually 

get to the loo. This is a look that says, 

‘Me want pee pee and poop poop.’ 

The SACK RACE 

Remember at school, jumping 

along trying to keep your 

sack aloft? Well here’s the 

sartorial equivalent 

The RUN FOR YOUR WIFE 

Quick, pull your bags up 

and hide - the vicar will be 

round in two minutes for a 

slice of lemon drizzle cake 

The HIPPITY HOP 

Just a glimpse of knicker with 

this one. It’s a look that says 

‘I’m in control of my vehicle, 

but not my trousers’ 

The FATTY BUM BUM 

A pant style favoured by 

blubbermatics. It’s a look that 

says ‘I’m hot, I’m sexy, but I 

can’t keep my jeans up’ 

The LAUREL AND HARDY 

Remember Ollie holding up 

the ladder in the fi lm Pardon 

Us as his massive loons fall 

down? Say no more 


11

TOONS - CRAZY MULLAHS 

12 


OUR ELDERLY PROPRIETOR SIR NORBERT 

BBC shovel used 

to dig own grave 

The actual spade used by the BBC to dig 

its own grave is coming up for auction in 

London this month. 

The stainless steel shovel, known in the 

corporation as ‘Old Wokey’, is expected 

to fetch a nice price when it goes under 

the hammer soon. 

Camilla de Twislington, head of garden 

tools at auctioneer Rice-Christies said: 

“This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to 

get your hands on this - the actual shovel 

used when the BBC was commissioning 

all the programmes that nobody wanted 

to watch, such as Wokefest At The Apollo 

and Have I Got Flogging A Dead Horse 

For You. 

“I think this item is going to be 

extremely popular. We’ve put a reserve 

price of £27 on it.” 

Brace yersens . . . it’s Sir Norbert’s bit 

Pinkos, Dr Wokealism and 

half a ton of Uncle Achmeds 

“If you want to know what is causing 

any given problem in Britain,” Bunty 

Fitch-Felchiman said to me in the 

saloon bar of the Thrashers Arms, 

Bladder (my village - as in, I own 

it), “it’s either some Oxbridge pinko 

who’s been on University Challenge 

or else half a ton of Uncle Achmeds.” 

After telling Bunty he’d committed 

a public order offence, I went on to 

say the Middle Eastern contingent 

had been doing rather well. At one 

time they were subject to many 

jokes and much veiled animus. Dr 

Wokealism - my pet name for Tony 

Blair - prescribed us a massive dose 

from all corners of the world and, in 

an odd way, it worked out well for 

some communities because the new 

uns seemed rather “old school”. They 

went back awhile, almost traditional, 

and we all love an onion bhaji. 

Bunty baulked at this but I 

persisted. Nowadays it’s boats 

fleeing wartorn France and 

turning the Channel into a pikey 

version of Henley Regatta. 

Trouble was, under 

Blair, while everyone 

was getting annoyed 

about Eastern European immigrants, 

Uncle Achmed started blowing people 

up and growing a beard and getting 

very cross about things. A PR misstep. 

Then it turned out quite a few of 

them liked hanging round kebab shops 

and kidnapping young girls. I said to 

Bunty, nobody minded when I used 

to do that sort of thing in my Austin 

Healey 3000 in the Kings Road in 

1965, fnarr! That’s how I met Lady 

Winifred. Still married after 70 years. 

But I digress. These characters were 

described in court as the Pakistani 

Heritage Men, which is a first class 

name for a trad jazz band if you ask 

me. The BBC tried to keep off the 

subject but it got out. 

Anyway, their countrymen are 

back in the news because a passion 

for crowds may have caused a rise 

in Covid in midland and northern 

cities. “They can’t win, can they,” 

I told Bunty. “It’s because they 

don’t drink,’ said Bunty. “Eight 

pints of Old Thrasher - taken 

orally or rubbed on the skin - 

will sort out the kung flu.” 

And there, dear readers, 

the matter rests. 

Taliban delegation sent to UK 

to get tips on trashing statues 

A joint Taliban and Islamic State delegation 

have travelled to the UK to get advice on 

statue demolition and defilement of war 

memorials. 

A spokesman said: “It’s been almost 20 

years since we blew up the Buddha statues in 

Afghanistan. We’ve had a few successes since, 

such as the ancient city of Palmyra, but our 

desecration skills have got a bit ropey recently. 

“Hopefully we can learn a few things from 

mobs in the UK to take back with us to the 

Middle East.” 


13

Beaten Afghan women 

march for a female 007 

Abused Middle Eastern women join 

campaign for actress to play Bond 

IN BRIEF 

A group of women from Afghanistan, 

whose husbands have threatened them 

with violence when they return home, have 

made their way to Britain to join a Western 

feminist protest for a female James Bond. 

The friends, who have to live every day 

in a country where abuse against women is 

rarely criminalised, said the campaign for a 

female James Bond was “just too important 

to ignore”. 

One woman, who has suffered years of 

abuse, said: “Coming from a country where 

women are treated appallingly, we felt 

we had to show our support to yet 

another instance of women being treated 

appallingly: namely the fact that a woman 

hasn’t yet been picked to play the male 

character of James Bond. 

“Even though my husband is likely to 

beat me very harshly when I return home, 

I felt I just had to make my way to the UK 

this week to support this worthy cause. 

“Rich, Western feminists suffer too you 

know. Imagine switching on the TV in a 

year’s time and nothing has changed - Bond 

is still a man. We can’t ignore this.” 

VIRUS HORSESHOE: Nailing 

a rusty old horseshoe to your door 

is to be made compulsory as it has 

been found to be more effective in 

Covid 19 protection than wearing 

a mask. The government brought 

in the rule after extensive testing 

showed that having the lucky 

charm on the outside of a house 

was three times more effective 

than a mask at blocking the virus. 

A spokesman said that “clutching 

a lucky rabbit’s foot and pinning 

a piece of heather to your lapel” 

were also under consideration. 

The group of women, who asked to remain 

anonymous, on the female Bond march 

Strongmen lower alt-right bar 

A team of champion weightlifters have 

been hired to move the far-right bar 

even lower. 

Although what is considered racist 

already includes saying ‘you want 

all races and religions to mix and get 

along with no discrimination’ and that 

‘all lives matter equally’, it was felt 

by some that the bar needed moving 

even more, to include things such as 

‘not talking about woke issues at every 

available opportunity’. 

The seven-man team are in position, 

and are set to move the bar tomorrow. 

BLACKMAN BLUNDER: The 

Black Lives Matter group have 

blamed “an administrative error” 

after they erected a statue of the 

actress Honor Blackman instead 

of “honouring a black man”. 

Friends of the actress - famous 

for her role as Pussy Galore in the 

James Bond film Goldfi nger - 

said she would have been flattered 

by the memorial, had she 

still been alive today. A BLM 

spokesman said they left the 

statue organisation to someone 

known as “Dim Duggie” who 

“obviously couldn’t spell ‘honour’ 

and gave the wrong information to 

the stonemasons”. He added: “At 

least it now gives us something 

else to pull down.” 

PROBLEMATIC: Readers who 

were thinking of attending our 

Digging Up The Dead Bodies Of 

Famous People In Graveyards 

Because We Heard They Once 

Said Something Problematic In 

The 1970s fun day, should be 

aware that it has been postponed 

because bad weather is forecast. 

We’ll keep you posted. 

14 


RECIPE 


15

SLACK WIVES MATTER 

Aglow: A typical sex worker 

doing typical sex things at a 

typical sex parlour and lap 

dancing emporium for typical 

fans of jiggling and hookers 

Prostitutes’ husbands 

launch Slack Wives 

Matter campaign 

‘Say it loud, I’m slack and I’m proud’ 

The partners of a bunch of Texan hookers 

have come together to launch a campaign 

following the controversial death of one 

of their wives - a lady known in 

the business as Crystal “Bag Of 

Chips” Bunter. 

Crystal’s husband claimed 

the giant floozy starved to 

death in police custody after 

only being given three bacon 

sandwiches, pictured, and two 

doughnuts a day, while in her cell 

awaiting trial for soliciting. 

Mr Bunter said: “You could see the 

difference in Crystal’s appearance over the 

week she was incarcerated. She went from 

30 stones to 29.8 stones in a very short 

space of time. And it showed. She was 

wasting away.” 

He said the campaign aimed 

not only to raise awareness 

of slack wives, but also to 

defund the police and bring 

down the capitalist system. 

“It is only through this 

campaign that we can end the 

barbaric police brutality that led to 

Crystal’s death,” he said. 

“So say it loud, I’m slack and I’m 

proud.” 

Let’s play baldness, 

skinhead or cancer? 

Which is it? Answer 

in our next issue 

IN BRIEF 

RACE CONFUSION: Ordinary 

members of the public have asked 

for clarity over whose lives matter 

the most. One commentator called 

for government guidelines to be 

published over where different 

races and genders stand in the 

current hierarchy. He said: “We 

all know that straight, white men 

are bottom of the list, that’s a 

given. But what about at the top? 

Does the life of a disabled Asian 

man beat that of a trans black 

woman? Or does a Chinese gay 

woman beat a Chilean non-binary 

homeless person. Could someone 

provide us with a league table. 

Until we know, we’re going to be 

in a right old pickle.” 

FEMINIST CONCESSION: 

A group of hardcore feminists 

have reluctantly admitted that 

men make better wife-beaters than 

women. The shock announcement 

came during a recent feminist 

debate titled Coccyx Masculinity - 

It’s In Their Bones, when the main 

speaker Morwenna de Chetwynd 

conceded that men are ‘far better 

at domestic violence’. Despite the 

lifelong belief by many delegates 

at the event that women are equal 

to men in absolutely everything, 

the motion was carried by a margin 

of 271 votes to 269. 

TANGIBLE BENEFITS: The 

Prime Minister’s announcement 

that all UK citizens over the age 

of 18 will be given a year’s supply 

of hookers and blow, to help them 

deal with the ups and downs of 

Brexit, has been met with the 

question, “But just give me one 

tangible benefit of leaving the 

EU”, by some Remainers. 

Josh Cunningham, who voted to 

stay in the European Union at the 

last referendum, told The Niggle 

Magazine during an online chat 

that he could see absolutely no 

advantages to leaving the EU. 

Sticking his head out from under 

a pile of prostitutes, while puffing 

from a crack pipe, he said: “Just 

give me one tangible benefit of 

leaving. Go on. You can’t.” 

16 


BBC LISTINGS 

Why YouTube is popular... 

A quick guide to what’s on BBC television and radio today 

BBC1 BBC2 Radio4 

6am. Breakfast 

Smug wokefest to persuade you to turn off and 

do something more constructive with your day. 

With Naga Munchetty and Munchetty Naga. 

9.15. Crimewatch Roadshow 

Meeting police officers who talk about the 

challenges of finding time to get rid of knives 

on the street while working on this year’s Gay 

Pride parades. 

10.00. Homes Under the Hammer 

Martin Roberts visits a one-bedroom flat in 

Tunbridge Wells and Martel Maxwell looks 

at the state of a mid-terrace in Liverpool, 

examining the effect these empty properties 

are having on women in the area. 

11.00. Bargain Hunt 

Experts help two teams find items of value 

connected to slavery and female emancipation 

in the Nottingham area. 

1.00. BBC News at One 

Activists posing as journalists filter the news 

and give you all the information needed to 

make you a better, more progressive person. 

2.00. BBC London News 

Activists posing as journalists ratchet the news 

fi lter even more. You will listen. You will learn. 

You will educate yourself. 

3.00. Land Girls 

Feisty, empowering, go-getter, you-can-do-it, 

you-go-girl, work hard, play hard, even more 

feisty, empowering, even more empowered 

and even more feisty. Double bill, parts 4&5 

5.00. The Repair Shop 

A special ethnic minorities episode. Members 

of Luton’s Asian community bring along items 

that need mending, including Great Uncle 

Achmed’s woodworm-ridden false leg. 

6.30. Lineker’s Immigrant 

Documentary on the most heavily vetted 

migrant in the history of the world. 

9.00. Match Of The Day 

Gary and pundits look at the role of women, 

disabled people and members of the trans and 

non-binary communities in the match between 

Arsenal and Liverpool. 

11.00. News Through The Night 

Activists posing as journalists give you regular 

updates about people offended on Twitter. 

8am. Great Railway Journeys 

A journey across Italy exposing the lack of 

diversity in the passengers and staff on the 

train that’s travelling across Italy. 

9.00. Politics Live 

The goings-on in Parliament are discussed 

by a young, opinionated team, diverse in their 

ethnicities, but not in opinions and thought. 

11.00. Make Me A Dealer 

Another antiques buying challenge. I mean, 

really, you’d think people would be bored of 

this sort of thing by now, wouldn’t you? 

Hosted by Shamima Begum. 

1.00. Blitz Cities 

Looking at the effect of The Blitz on people 

living in a Brazilian shanty town at the time. 

3.00. Flog It! 

Experts Kate Bateman and David Fletcher try 

to flog a dead horse at a local antiques fair, 

and presenter Paul Martin looks at how this 

could impact on disabled people living nearby. 

5.00. Talent, Britain’s Got It 

The dance group Diversity perform a routine 

based on the Yorkshire Ripper murders. 

(‘Moving’ - Ash Sarkar. Review on page 237) 

Talent, Britain’s Got It. BBC2, 5pm. 

7.30. Lemmy, Lammy or Sammy? 

All-night telethon asking viewers to vote on 

who they’d most like to go for a drink with - 

Lemmy, David Lammy, or Sammy Davis Jr. 

6am. Today 

Yawnfest. Go back to bed. 

9.00. The Reunion 

The programme that reunites people who 

shared a common experience. Today, the cast 

and crew of the 1970s TV show Mind Your 

Language meet up to discuss what terrible 

people they were for working on it. 

10.00. Woman’s Hour 

Presenter Jenni Murray and colleagues travel 

up their own woke rectums, through the large 

and small intestines, up through the throat and 

out through the mouth, transforming 

themselves into human balls of smugness. 

11.00. Gardeners Question Time 

Are gardens racist? And what could you be 

doing to attract more ethnic minorities to come 

and look at your Busy Lizzies? Just some of 

the pressing questions of the day. 

12.00. Songs of the Humpback Whale 

The 50th anniversary of bioacoustician Roger 

Payne’s best-selling environmental album of 

all time. (This one’s real. Ed) 

1.00. The World At One 

As Portland burns to the ground, and small 

businesses are smashed up and looted, the 

programme reports on the mainly peaceful 

protests across America. 

2.45. The Afternoon Play 

Morwenna is fi ghting for climate and gender 

justice, as well as pushing queer theory onto 

her colleagues, but no one is listening at the 

builders yard where she works. 

5.00. Covid - The Sequel. 

When Covid 20 comes out, how will it compare 

to Covid 19? Will it be that rare situation when 

the follow up is even better than the original? 

Melvyn Bragg and guests discuss. 

6.00. News 

More news, analysis and comment from those 

political activists posing as journalists. 

6.30. The News Quiz 

Trump, ha ha ha; Farage, ha ha ha; Brexit 

thickos, ha ha ha; climate change deniers, ha 

ha ha; etc etc etc etc. 

7.00. BBC World Service 

Like a sewage outflow pipe, transporting 

woke effl uent across the globe. 


17

MUMBO JUMBO 

I’m the face that lunched 

a thousand chips 

GUT REACTION: THE WISDOM OF THE BUDDHA

Meet the readers: 

Let’s have a quick look 

at some of our mainly 

peaceful readership 

Images from one 

of those free image 

websites. You 

know the ones. 

Niggle Magazine readers, yesterday 

Definition of niggle in English: 

niggle 

VERB 

To cause a small but continual nuisance or discomfort 

If you have 

been offended by 

anything in this 

magazine then 

please tell all your 

friends and follow 

us on Twitter 

@nigglemagazine 

and stop 

showing 

off!

Issue 7 this way

There it is, look

AND FEATURING NEW CARTOONS: 

COVID CACKER & 

SMUG REMAIN FACE 

ISSUE 7 Winter 2020/21 FREE @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 

SATIRE AND CARTOONS TO NIGGLE THE JOKE POLICE 

We’re 

only partly 

o ended 

The sleet generation

THE NIGGLE 


The Niggle Magazine is an online, 

satirical publication that comes 

out in spring, summer, autumn 

and winter, and is produced by 

a small team of European joke 

writers and an African cartoonist 

(Look at us, how diverse are we, 

how diverse are we!). It is put 





com or check out our Twitter 

page @nigglemagazine. But 

please don’t tell us we’re not 

funny because then we’ll have 

to go away and rethink our 

sense of humour. And that 

wouldn’t do. 



more gubbins. 



us for ad rates. Ads can link to 

your website. Imagine that! 




WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN 

SAYING ABOUT US: 

Thawing the Sleet Generation 

Welcome to our Winter edition. This 

issue is dedicated to what I call The Sleet 

Generation. The people who are not 

quite Snowflakes but are halfway there. 

They’re only partly offended by things. 

And I say to thee... Stop what you’re 

doing, don’t go any further! You can save 

yourselves! It’s OK to laugh at things 

for the sake of laughing. That’s all it is. 

Jokes and satire don’t come from hate, 

just from a sense of fun and not taking 

life too seriously. And to be honest, we 

need you. We need you on board. Half 

the World has currently gone insane. 

Further crackdowns on freedom of 

speech are inevitable. So, come on you 

Sleets. Thaw out a bit more, let your hair 

down and enjoy life. And – apart from 

the real Nazis – it’s OK to be friends 

with people who have a different political 

opinion to you. It’s fine. Laugh, debate, 

take the piss, and laugh again. 

Enjoy the magazine. 

Ed. 

Parler v 

Twitter – 

how they 

compare 

PROPAGANDA: 


promote our magazine: 

The glace cherry atop the woke 

Bakewell tart. 

The magazine that says, ‘You 

couldn’t get away with that any 

more’, and then does it. 

The publication that’s hosting 

a cultural appropriation fancy 

dress party to raise money for 

the orphans. 

Going head to head with the 

Commies in the Hands, Face, 

Space Race. 

We’re interpretative dance 

co-ordinators for the NHS. 

WORLD OF WOKE 

‘Speaking as a non-binary, 

binary, intersectional but 

sectional, sexual, bisexual 

person of colour ... I love 

your magazine.’ 

‘Just like JFK, everyone 

remembers where they 

were when they first read 

The Niggle Magazine. I 

was sitting at my laptop 

reading The Niggle 

Magazine.’ 

Stop 

showing 

off 

WHY NOT SUPPORT US? 

Our magazine is free, but at the moment 

we lose money putting it out. So, if you 

would like to donate a little to our free 

speech cause then read on. Even donating 

the price of a cup of coffee will buy us a 

cup of coffee. And that would be lovely. 

We’re dishing out religious titles to 

everyone who donates (just for a laugh), 

unless you want to remain anonymous 

of course. So, we would like to say a big 

thank you to all the new members of 

the Apostolic Holy Order of The Niggle 

Magazine who recently donated. 

These are: 

Primate Cuddly Toy No.1. 

Reverend Russ. 

High Priestess Dotti. 

Jesuit John. 

Archdeacon Dianna. 

Cardinal Cue-Bono. 

The Christian. 

Archbishop Alex. 

Pastors John, Bryan and Ernest. 


TOONS: SMUG REMAIN FACE 

DOUBLE CLICK TO QUICKLY ZOOM IN AND OUT 


3

THE NIGGLE MAGAZINE 

Two men died after blowing 

themselves up as they 

drove this car into revellers 

along a crowded street. 

It’s an outrage, say health 

and safety campaigners. 

Campaigners push for 

suicide bombers union 

Large number of workplace deaths 

is scandalous, says safety group 

Calls for the suicide bombing industry to 

be unionised have gathered pace after a 

new study showed there were far 

too many people dying while 

carrying out their duties. 

Safety group Save Our 

Jihadis said it was scandalous 

that the profession was still 

doing very little to ensure the 

safety of its members. 

Group president Camilla De 

Walli De Miller said: “It’s an accident 

waiting to happen, to be quite honest. 

“We’re urging all these zealots and 

maniacs to come together and 

unionise. Only a strong union 

can work towards creating 

better conditions and a more 

pleasant working environment 

for those who want to blow 

themselves up; and if we can 

save just one life then all our 

campaigning will have been worth 

it. Our motto is, ‘Explode, but save lives.’ 

Bread not a virgin 

A man who claimed he could see the face of 

the Virgin Mary in a piece of bread has 

admitted he just poked two eyes and a 

smiley mouth in one side. 

Simon Peters, from North Yorkshire, 

said: “I had thousands of Catholics turning 

up to see it. Someone even claimed they saw 

angels above it. I mean, come on! It looks 

nothing like the Virgin Mary.” 

IN BRIEF 

VIOLENT KILLER: A criminal 

who identified as a law-abiding 

citizen as he viciously stabbed 

someone to death was allowed to 

walk free from court yesterday. 

Denzil Dinsdale plunged a knife 

into his victim 37 times but the 

judge accepted his claim that he 

identified as a good, decent person 

while committing his horrific 

attack. Lord Justice Antimacassar 

said: “We let people self identify 

their gender, so why not whether 

you’re a good person or not?” 

2020 REFUND: A man who tried 

to take 2020 back for a refund 

was not allowed to enter the shop 

because he was not wearing a 

mask. Maskless Jeff Hathersage 

said he’d had enough of 2020 and 

simply wanted his money back. 

He said: “I’d left my mask at 

home and they wouldn’t let me in. 

I’ll go back tomorrow.” 

GENERATION COVID: The 

Covid-19 “lost generation” are to 

be honoured with a monument on 

Flanders Fields. The memorial will 

recognise the sacrifice of many 

young people who had to spend 9 

months watching Netflix during 

the Coronavirus lockdown. 

On Flanders Fields 

NON CRIME HATE: A police 

department set up to investigate 

people’s naughty tweets will start 

its valuable work on Monday. The 

‘Non Crime Hate Crime Crimey 

Crime Non Crime Hate Hate Non 

Crime Non Non Hate-Nonny-No 

Non Crime Hate Crime unit’ will 

be manned by officers currently 

working on the Met’s TikTok 

routines and Gay Pride parades. 

NAZI GERMANY: Civil liberties 

campaigners have branded Nazi 

Germany “just like Nazi Germany”. 

That’s it. 

4 


TOONS: IT’S THOSE CRAZY MULLAHS 



5

IN BRIEF 

A MYSTERY: A rich Western 

feminist who has spent the last 15 

years telling men how terrible they 

are says she has no idea why she is 

still single. Jessica Twillington, 

from the Womeeeeeen’s Equality 

Womankind Women’s Network for 

Women said: “No man seems to 

want to hang around for more than 

a few weeks. They only want one 

thing: endless lectures from me on 

their toxic masculinity. And then 

they’re off. It’s really, really sad.” 

LITTLE OLD LADIES: A new 

progressive non-discriminatory 

policy to crack down on radical 

terrorists has seen an increase in 

police targeting little old ladies. 

About 3,000 little old ladies have 

been arrested and questioned in 

the UK over the past month. One 

little old lady, who did not want 

to be named, said: “I had just left 

the supermarket and I was about 

to nip to the post office when 11 

armed policemen turned up and 

bundled me into the back of a 

van. They grilled me for hours. 

I’m an 89-year-old pensioner. 

What do I know about jihad?” 

Potential 

terrorist? 

BUILD BACK SHITTER: The 

catchphrase used by a woman 

from Yorkshire has been adopted 

by World leaders rebuilding their 

countries after Covid. “Build 

Back Shitter” has been used by 

Mrs Doris Otheringshaw for years 

as she tried to get her husband 

Frank to build a shitter [toilet] 

in their back yard. Doris said: “I 

kept telling Frank, go on - build 

back shitter. Get it built! I never 

expected it to be adopted by the 

World Economic Forum.” 

Scientists: There is only ONE gender 

Everyone in the World was left 

shocked this week following the 

discovery that gender is not a 

spectrum, nor is it binary. 

Researchers at Sneethsboro 

University, Wisconsin, said 

they realised the findings 

would be controversial and 

called for calm so people had 

time to digest and reflect. 


Covid proves to be 

Wokest virus ever 

Corona only targets Trump rallies 

and lockdown protests - not Antifa 

Reports in the mainstream media seem to 

suggest that Covid 19 is the Wokest virus 

known to man - seemingly only spreading 

at lockdown marches and Donald Trump 

rallies, and not at Extinction Rebellion, 

BLM or Antifa protests. 

The coronavirus, lovingly known as “the 

Rona”, was thought to be passed on when 

people of all political persuasions crowded 

together, but apparently this is not the case, 

according to newspaper and TV reports. 

A report by one US newspaper on a 

Covid: It knows 

who’s marching 

Trump rally back in November stated: 

“Supporters ignored social distancing - and 

many of them WERE NOT WEARING 

MASKS!” 

But a story in the same newspaper, 

however, on an Antifa riot in Portland, 

said: “Protesters came together to push for 

progressive politics and justice. Despite a 

few bad apples torching large areas of the 

city, it was a generally peaceful day and 

everyone went home happy and healthy.” 

So there you go. Choose wisely. 

Head of the research unit, Franklin 

T Snooglespanner III, said: “There 

are fewer genders than we all 

thought. For most people that 

means one fewer. And for the 

rainbow flag lot that means 

about 3,245 fewer. No one’s 

going to be happy.” 

He added that the one gender 

would be named ‘Leslie’. 


THE REAL PAGE 


Jennifer v the PR people 

A real exchange of emails between freelance 

journalist Jennifer Ali-Khan and Tony Blair’s 

Institute For Global Change. Enjoy! 

From: Jennifer Ali-Khan 

Sent: 09 September 2020 

To: Institute Global 

Hello 

I am emailing a number of people 

(politicians, etc) to get their answer to 

one simple question, which is: 

There is a view that people who support, 

or have supported, a ‘multicultural 

Britain’ should actually live in those 

areas/streets where multiculturalism 

has impacted the most (eg, areas of 

Bradford, Burnley, Luton, etc) to get a 

real sense of day-to-day life there. 

What does Mr Blair think about this 

view, and has he ever considered living 

in some of these areas himself? 

Many thanks 

Jennifer Ali-Khan 

Freelance journalist 

From: Institute Global 

Sent: Wednesday, September 09 

To: Jennifer Ali-Khan 

Hi Jennifer, 

Should it be possible to answer your 

questions we will come back to you. 

Best wishes, 

[PR person] 


Sent: 25 September 2020 


Hello 

I have not, as yet, received a reply to 

my question from Mr Blair’s PR team. 

Regards 

Jennifer 

From: Institute Global 

Sent: Wednesday, September 25 


Hello Jennifer, 

Apologies for the delay in responding, 

it’s been incredibly busy. I’m afraid that 

we are not going to be able to provide 

a response. 

Best wishes 

[PR person] 


Sent: September 28, 2020 


Hello 

I had a £100 bet with a friend that your 

response to my question would be 

exactly that. So thanks for making me 

a little bit richer! Could you explain why 

you are not ‘able’ to respond? 

Regards 

Jennifer 


Sent: October 5, 2020 


Morning. 

I had another £100 bet with a friend 

that you would ignore my last email. So 

thanks for gradually making me a rich 

woman! 

I believe my question is an extremely 

important one because it is a question 

that exposes hypocrisy - or not, of 

course, depending on the answer. 

Regards 

Jennifer 

PS. I’ve got another bet with a friend 

that I won’t get an answer! It comes 

from former Private Eye owner Peter 

Cook’s philosophy of betting, which 

was ‘always bet on the thing that you 

don’t want to happen, and then you’re 

compensated in money’. A good 

philosophy eh! 




Morning 

I had yet another £100 bet with a friend 

that you would ignore my last email. 

That’s £300 I’ve won so far. You’re really 

contributing to my fi nancial wellbeing at 

the moment. So thanks for that! 

Could you let me know why Mr Blair’s 

PR team cannot answer my question. 

Regards 

Jennifer 




Morning! 

I really upped the stakes this time with 

my betting. I bet my friend £4million 

that you would ignore my last email. I 

know, I’ve won an incredible amount of 

money! And my winnings have enabled 

me to buy an enormous mansion in 

Buckinghamshire - well away from all 

the multicultural areas! Just like Tony 

Blair did! Cheers! 

Toodle pip, Jennifer. 


7

Oldest virtue signalman 

hangs up his pronouns 

Morally-superior social justice warrior 

calls it a day after half-century career 

IN BRIEF 

Britain’s oldest virtue signalman Jeffrey 

Tibbs has called it a day after 50 years on 

the front line. 

Jeffrey first started signalling his virtue as 

an apprentice in 1970, gradually working 

his way up the career ladder to a fully 

qualified social justice warrior after only 

three years in the job. 

He said: “It was tough back in the early 

days. I mean, I was adopting the correct 

pronouns before anyone even knew there 

were 3,781 genders. And many of my work 

mates still thought the word ‘gay’ meant 

‘happy’. So I had a lot of educating to do. 

I did the work.” 

Jeffrey said that his work colleagues 

gradually came round to his way of thinking. 

He said: “Before long they were coming 

up with slogans such as ‘Refugees 

Welcome’. Well, welcome as long as the 

refugees didn’t move in next door of 

course!” 

COVID MASKS: The majority of 

people pushing for the wearing of 

face masks to be made law were 

found to be “extremely ugly” with 

a deep hatred of their own noses 

and mouths, a survey has found. 

Just over 99 per cent of those who 

said masks should be mandatory 

were described by pollsters as 

“vile, slimy, wretched, frightful, 

horrifying, alarming, disfigured, 

evil-looking, grotesque, hideous, 

monstrous, unlovely, unnatural, 

unpicturesque, unsightly and 

repulsive. Essentially a walking 

gargoyle.” 

Virtue signalman Jeffrey Tibbs at his old workplace 

It’s the homophobic Homophone 

A ‘homophobic’ musical instrument 

has provoked outrage after it came on 

to the market this month. 

Newspaper adverts for the 

Homophone - a keyboard 

instrument similar to the 16th 

century Harpsichord - state: 

“Express your dislike for the 

rainbow flag lot through the 

medium of music. Our new 

Homophone comes with a large 

collection of sheet music for many well 

known songs, including classics such as 

He’ll Be Bumming Round The Mountain, 

and Sitting On The Dock Of The 

Gay. 

A spokesman for gay rights 

group Gay, Gay and Gay 

Again said: “How they can 

get away with it I don’t know. 

Although the song Another Gay 

In Paradise is actually quite good.” 

THEY COMBUSTED: A group 

of social justice warriors, who 

passionately believed that the 

actor Laurence Fox is a Nazi, 

spontaneously combusted earlier 

today after coming across a real 

Nazi. The group of university 

students - prone to shouting 

slogans at anyone with a different 

political opinion - were knocking 

on doors trying to sell Wokeism 

Today magazine, but things took 

a turn for the worse when they 

knocked on the door of one Jeff 

Hitler. One eyewitness said: “This 

fella opened the door dressed in a 

Nazi uniform quoting from Mein 

Kampf. And they all exploded. 

Couldn’t cope. Simple as that.” 

TANGIBLE BENEFITS: EU 

Remainers were left shocked and 

stunned this week after the UK 

government banned the phrase 

“one tangible benefit”. Remainer 

Emily Adonis-Blair said: “How 

on Earth are we able to have an 

argument with a Brexiteer, from 

now on? This new law is going to 

make it impossible. All I’m asking 

for is a level playing field.” 




Cartooning ‘has nothing 

to do with Cartoonism’ 

Artists stand firm amid calls to close 

down radical felt-tipped pen shops 

Calls have grown for France to crack down 

on radical cartoonists following a spate of 

horrific beheadings and knife attacks across 

the country. 

‘Progressive’ commentators said current 

measures were not working and called on 

the French government to come down hard 

on cartoonists and doodlers whose work 

“was stuck in the Middle Ages”. 

One said: “It’s time for tough action. 

Close down radical felt-tipped pen shops. 

Confiscate drawing boards of hate. Outlaw 

speech bubbles and caricatures.” 

But one cartoonist, who did not want to 

be named, said: “Cartooning has nothing to 

do with Cartoonism. We shouldn’t blame 

all cartoonists for the sketches and jottings 

of a barbaric minority.” 

A cartoonist: Hate and barbarism on 

the streets of Paris 

IN BRIEF 

REVOLUTION OFF: A planned 

revolution to overthrow the UK’s 

“useless” government has been 

postponed because Britain’s Got 

Talent is on television tonight. 

Organisers of the insurrection told 

protesters not to gather outside 

the Houses of Parliament and that 

a new date would be agreed on 

soon. A spokesman said: “It’s the 

Britain’s Got Talent final tonight 

featuring the dance group Diversity 

- who are set to perform a routine 

based on the 2017 Westminster 

Bridge terrorist attack - so it’s 

unmissable to be perfectly honest. 

We couldn’t take part in a coup 

when this is on TV. It wouldn’t be 

fair on people.” 

A few things you can do to 

show you’re a good person 

There are many ways to signal that 

you’re one of the nice guys - a real 

good egg! And in a world of nasty 

people it’s becoming more and 

more important to be on the caring 

and compassionate side. Here are 

some of the ways you can signal 

your virtue: 

1. Sneer and then vocally wish 

someone you don’t like dies. 

2. Cause racial division in the 

name of anti-racism. 

3. Call yourself an ‘anti fascist’ 

so you can go out and smash up 

shops, loot businesses and attack 

people with different political 

opinions to you. Riot for peace! 

4. Support freedom of speech as 

long as it fits your own narrative, 

and brand everything else ‘hate’. 

5. Laugh at someone’s jokes but 

then get straight on the phone to 

report them to the police for using 

outdated racial stereotypes. 

INCLUSNOOPERS: A rebrand 

of the government’s intelligence 

headquarters GCHQ is on the 

cards following calls by gay rights 

groups to make its initials more 

inclusive. A spokesman said: “We 

will be known as GCHLGBTQ+ 

from now on to signal that we’ve 

no problem with yer lesbians, yer 

gays, yer bisexuals, yer trannies, 

yer queers, and whatever the + 

sign means. We’re not sure yet 

whether we’ll paint rainbows 

everywhere. We’ll let you know.” 


9

Ahh yes, the Can-Can. What 

a dance! The high energy 

vigorous kicking of the legs, 

the flashing of the skirts and 

petticoats, the bawdy and 

suggestive gyrating, taking 

you right back to the days of 

Toulouse-Lautrec at Paris’s 

Moulin Rouge. Back in the day 

it was considered scandalous 

and repulsive, and certainly 

not something a lady should 

be taking part in. But of 

course times have changed 

and modern women such as 

myself are now free to express 

themselves. Which is why I 

performed all the saucy moves 

while totally encased in my 

full length burka. Feminism! 





Nightingale Hospitals will treat 

Trump Derangement Syndrome 

The UK’s Nightingale Hospitals will 

now be used to treat long-term sufferers 

of Trump Derangement Syndrome, the 

Government announced today. 

The emergency wards, which have 

sat largely empty during the Covid-19 

pandemic, will now be put to good use 

to house those inflicted by the Orange 

Man Bad disorder. 

Sufferer Boudicca Twizzlington, 

reacting to the news she is to be moved 

to London’s Nightingale Hospital, said: 

“HE’S A RACISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST, 

A NARCISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIST, 

A SEXISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST, 

A HOMOPHHHHHHHHHHHHOBE, 

A MISOGYNISSSSSSSSSST, A ...” 

MADE UP ADVERTISEMENT 

We’re one of the top grooming 

gangs in the country and we’ve 

got the press cuttings to prove it! 

Based in and around Rotherham, 

our team of five professionals 

o ers all the usual grooming 

services for your pooch. 

Call Ali or Talib on 0000 0032. 


11

TOONS: COVID CACKER 


12 


Fisherpeople 

Fisherpeople face 

cold, harsh Winter 

Fisherpeople are bracing themselves for 

a tough Winter after weather forecasters 

predicted sub-zero temperatures for much 

of the season. 

The harsh weather is likely to hit a lot 

of fisherpeople hard, many of whom are 

already struggling to make ends meet due 

to a tough trading year for fisherpeople. 

Fisherpeople across the UK have said 

that fisherpeople need to come together 

to help each other out - possibly forming 

some sort of fisherpeople’s co-operative 

society during this time of need. 

Dave Chubb, one of the fisherpeople 

worried about the cold season ahead, 

said: “It’s a tough time for fisherpeople, 

make no mistake. But former generations 

of fisherpeople endured much worse. The 

fisherpeople of today can learn a lot from 

fisherpeople in the past.” 

I, Sir Norbert, CEO of Niggle Corps 

and publisher of this esteemed organ, 

wish to address my employees. 

After many decades in Fleet Street 

of pointing out the destructive sides of 

socialism, including how much it lifts 

out of my greedy right-wing pocket in 

taxes, I wish you all to know that we 

are now to embrace Marxism. 

Many of you will have noticed that 

you are getting more work emails and 

pamphlets about diversity and trans 

issues. Now I don’t want to hear any 

moaning Minnies about this. You 

might have thought that an old, greedy 

press baron like myself would take 

a sceptical view of diversity diktats. 

Not a bit of it! And there’s a very good 

reason for that. It’s cheap! And when 

I resume going out to parties with my 

decades-younger mistress I can show 

off to pop stars in liberal salons 

about how right-on and with-it 

morally erect raddled old Sir 

Norbert is! 

Yes, it costs me nothing and all 

the ball-ache is absorbed by 

you Niggle employees. 

So, what will diversity 

mean in practice? If it’s 


Sir Norbert’s message to our employees 

From right-wing press baron 

to champion of social justice 

anything like its ideological older 

brother ‘positive discrimination’ it will 

probably mean quite a few people 

being given a job for reasons other 

than competence. So if your new boss 

is a tranny who can’t do their (notice 

the gender pronoun) job properly, 

don’t come crying to me, because I’ll 

tell you straight: you’re a fascist who 

needs to clear out of our company. 

How I love the sound of social 

justice (which costs me nothing). 

Soon we will have new columnists, 

I may even hire Shamima Begum to 

write a column - if she’s allowed back 

from Syria and if Bake Off don’t get 

her first. 

As you may have heard, I have 

taken to wearing a burka in solidarity 

with oppressed minorities. I intend to 

wear it at the Reform Club when the 

pandemic is over. I don’t know what 

Fatty, Biffy and Lord Squiffy will 

say, and it will also make taking 

certain billiard shots a bit more 

difficult, but damn it, you have to 

do your bit for diversity. 

Onwards and upwards 

to the glorious wokeist of 

the woke future! 

Three-week-old baby asks 

parents if he can transition 

A North London couple said they were “over 

the Moon” after their baby boy asked if he 

could become a girl only three weeks after 

being born. 

Jake and Emily Libdem-Swinson said they 

had initially hoped their son Pythagoras would 

be non-binary, but they were now content to go 

along with his wishes. 

Emily said: “It was obvious after about two 

weeks that Pythagoras was uncomfortable in 

a male body, so we’re happy to let him decide. 

We’ve booked surgery for next week.” 

Three-week-old 

Pythagoras has 

said he wants 

to transition to 

become a girl 


13

Real serial killer cast in 

Jack The Ripper drama 

In wake of the disabled actors/roles 

controversy, Netflix ‘takes it too far’ 

IN BRIEF 

Netflix has been accused of “going a bit 

over the top” after it announced today that 

a genuine serial killer will play Jack The 

Ripper in a new film about the Victorian 

psychopath. 

Ted ‘Nutjob’ Vorhees, an inmate of the 

notorious San Quentin jail in California, 

has a prison degree in drama and applied 

for the role after reading about it in Serial 

Killer Monthly magazine. 

Critics have accused Netflix of covering 

their backs following criticism of the film 

and television industry that disabled actors 

were being overlooked for disabled parts. 

Vorhees, who has been in prison for 25 

years after slicing up seven random women, 

said he was looking forward to attacking 

the role “with gusto”. 

He said: “It’s a dream come true, to be 

perfectly honest. Jack has always been a 

hero of mine, but many actors in the past 

haven’t managed to capture his full range 

of psychotic tendencies. 

“I’m hoping to rectify that.” 

Pole leg 

KNEE JERKS: A man who was 

born without knees has said he 

is offended by sportsmen taking 

the knee. Simon ‘De’ Montford, a 

plumber from Liverpool, suffers 

from a rare medical condition 

known as ‘pole leg’, meaning he 

is not able to bend his pins in the 

middle like most people. He said: 

“Watching all these racing drivers 

and footballers taking the knee is 

sickening. It’s like they’re rubbing 

it in. Maybe they could show 

some compassion towards my 

condition and come onto the pitch 

walking on stilts or something? 

Taking the knee? Taking the piss 

more like!” 

Maniacs: Mr Vorhees and Jack The Ripper, inset 

‘Stand 120m apart - save lives’ 

The UK government has released a 

new list of instructions aiming to “save 

lives” during the Covid pandemic. 

The Department of Health pamphlet, 

which will be delivered to everyone’s 

home, states: “Stand 120 metres apart 

from each other, stay outdoors if at all 

possible, wear a hazardous materials 

(hazmat) suit - offering at least Level B 

protection - and breathing equipment 

when meeting relatives, try not to meet 

up with friends, avoid going to the 

hospital even if you feel ill, protect the 

NHS, save lives.” 

ONLINE TRIBUTES: A website 

has been set up in opposition to 

the many ‘gone too soon’ style 

bereavement sites available online 

where loved ones leave tributes 

to the recently deceased. Can’tgo-soon-enough.com 

lets you 

post details of someone who isn’t 

dead, but you wish they were. The 

only rule is that the named person 

must be regarded by most people 

in their local community as a total 

cockwomble. 

GREEN NEWS: Climate change 

adversely affects intersectional 

vegan feminists of colour who 

live in West London and who once 

downloaded the first series of the 

BBC programme Fleabag, it has 

been announced. So stick that in 

your pipe and smoke it! 

14 


FRENCH ARCHITECTURE 


Uncle Abdul’s guide 

to French churches 

Cathedral de Jacques 

Tati, Normandy. 

The cathedral is roofed 

with five domes in the 

Byzantine style. Each 

dome has air vents - 

ideal for when you’re 

lighting your fires 

directly below them! 

La Cathedral de Marcel 

Marceau, Avignon: Some 

stunning gothic architecture 

with a unique 13th century 

font - the perfect place to 

hide your petrol canisters 

and a supply of matches! 

L’Eglise de Distel, Brittany: A super 

church tucked away on a hillside, above. 

The medieval altar features stunning 

wood carvings by master craftsman 

Grinling Gibbons - superb for kindling! 

Chapel Depardieu, Nice (left): Lots of 

original wooden fixtures in here. Get in! 

The Dave Chapelle, 

Burgundy: The door’s 

always open here, 

above, so don’t miss 

your chance to scorch 

its treasures, below 


15

RECONCILIATION AND HEALING 


Far Right and Left forget their 

divisions at Hate Jews event 

Reconciliation for political 

extremist groups as they 

enjoy an evening of hatred 

The Far Right and the Far Left 

have come one step closer 

to bridging their differences 

after they came together for an 

evening of music and dancing 

called We Hate The Jews. 

In a “groundbreaking night of 

reconciliation”, the two groups 

agreed to put other differences 

aside to focus on some of the 

areas where they did agree, ie 

antisemitism. 

The event, held at the Royal 

Albert Hall in London, featured 

two of the UK’s top antisemitic 

bands: Here’s Looking at Jew 

Kid, and Holohoax. 

Other highlights included top 

ventriloquist Bob Karengees and 

his comedy duck “Yid”. 

No invite for 

these fellas 

CLICKBAIT CLICKBAIT CLICKBAIT CLICKBAIT CLICKBAIT CLICKBAIT CLICKBAIT CLICKBAIT 

Remember this guy? 

You won’t believe 

what he looks 

like today 

16 


THE WOKE BROADCASTING COMPANY 


Why YouTube is popular 



6am. Road Rage Claims 

A millennial sues for compensation after 

claiming that a fellow motorist used a series of 

microaggressions in a “road rage” incident. 

9.15. Bargain Hunt 

Gay special: Experts help the red and blue 

teams go head to head to find antiques with a 

homosexual theme. 

10.00. Homes Under the Hammer 

Martin Roberts and Martel Maxwell look 

at properties in Hampstead, London, owned by 

rich Labour voters who pretend that they like 

working-class people. 

11.00. Money For Nothing 

Sarah Moore scours Woking Recycling Centre 

in Surrey for unloved items she can transform 

and then sell at a profit, before giving the cash 

back to the lazy c*nts who couldn’t be bothered 

to do anything with the items themselves. 


Activists posing as journalists filter the news 

enabling you to ‘do the work’, ‘do better’ and 

‘educate yourselves’. 


Even worse than BBC News at One, above. 

3.00. Antiques Road Trip 

Christina and Serhat continue their search for 

bargains in Islamic State-controlled areas of 

Afghanistan, hoping to get their antiques - and 

themselves - back in one piece. 

5.00. MasterChef 

Diverse food from around the world, a diverse 

line up of contestants and a diverse crew 

making the programme. Diversity erections all 

round! 

6.30. Two classic films 

The BBC play two old films back to back 

because they’ve finally realised - about seven 

years too late - that people are switching off and 

watching Talking Pictures TV instead. 

10.30. Question Time 

Fiona Bruce presents the topical debate show 

with a diverse panel of politicians and other 

guests who all think Brexit is wrong. 

11.00. Have I Got News For You 

Hislop and Merton trot it all out again. This 

week, Paul Merton says, “Is it a penguin on a 

unicycle?” over and over again. 

8am. A-Z of TV Cooking 

Looking back at television cooks of the past 

such as Fanny Cradock and Keith Floyd, but 

making sure it’s heavily edited to remove any 

comments that may be offensive to a handful 

of people on Twitter today. Presented by Naga 

Munchetty Bang Bang. 

9.00. Politics Live 

Nah, yer all right. I’m tightening my head in a 

vice instead. 

11.00. Natural Curiosities 

David Attenborough looks at some of nature’s 

anomalies, including the skeleton of a man 

who warned about attacks on freedom of 

speech 10 years ago but was dismissed as a 

crank. 

1.00. Flog It! 

A dead horse that is. 

3.00. Osman’s House of Games 

Alex Smug, Jessica Smug, Rob Smug and 

Karim Smug test their skills in a variety of 

smug-based games. Presented by Richard 

Osman. 

5.00. Dogs’ Home 

Documentary on a rescue centre for pooches 

in North Yorkshire. The programme asks, 

“Is the dog community inclusive and vibrant 

enough? And what can be done to increase 

diversity among the breeds?” 

Too white? Dogs’ Home. BBC2, 5pm. 

10.00. Newsnight 

The day’s events are whisked up into a BBC 

soup and spoon fed to you, the viewer. 

Presented by Wark Kirsty. 

6am. Today 

You know, you really shouldn’t be listening to 

this. It’s not good for your health. 

9.00. Clouds 

Cumulonimbus, cirrus, etc. You probably 

didn’t know it, but those wispy things in the 

sky that produce rain were all named by men, 

and therefore the product of toxic masculinity. 

The series asks a different vegan lesbian of 

colour every week to suggest different names 

for cloud types. This week ‘Nimbostratus’ 

becomes ‘The Mandela’. 


The presenters go so far up their own woke 

rectums that they travel back in time to the 

Elizabethan Age, which they describe as 

“Hapsalutlayyy fnnntasturrrrrrrrrk. Really 

fnnnnnnnnnntasturrrrk.” 

11.00. Follow The Science 

The programme explores the latest scientific 

research to make the headlines and looks at 

how science should be promoted online - as 

long as it fits a particular narrative. 

12.00. The Film Programme 

A look at the recent crop of films that nobody 

wants to watch. 

1.00. Gardeners’ Question Time 

Are flowers racist? And if so, which is the most 

racist bloom? And why does the Venus Fly 

Trap discriminate against flies? Just some of 

the questions asked by the studio audience. 


Jemima moves from Islington to Lagos to work 

for a Nigerian newspaper. Horrified by the lack 

of diversity in her all-Nigerian office she starts 

pushing for race and gender quotas. But her 

workmates just want to go on the piss. 

5.00. Covid Update. 

As Coronavirus cases across the UK surge to 

four, should there be another total lockdown? 

And if you don’t think we should be locked 

down again, DO YOU WANT GRANDMA TO 

DIE??????!!!!!!!!. 

6.00. ‘News’ 

More ‘news’ and analysis from some political 

activists who went to journalism school. 

6.30. The News Quiz 

Covid deniers, ha ha ha; Anti vaxers, ha ha ha; 

Brexit thickos, ha ha ha; etc etc etc etc. 


17

MUMBO JUMBO 

You don’t hear of any babies called 

Keith any more do you? 


Diversity is our mantra, and our readers are 

a very diverse bunch. Check this lot out! 

Meet the readers 



niggle 

VERB 


If you have been 

o ended by 


magazine then 



us on Twitter 


and stop 

showing 

off!


Follow us on Twitter @nigglemagazine

Issue 8 this way


ISSUE 8 Spring 2021 FREE Twitter @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 

SATIRE AND CARTOONS TO CARESS THE JOKE POLICE 

Embracing the new normal 

FEATURING 

COVID 

CACKER 

SMUG 

REMAIN FACE 

PLUS A WHOLE 

LOT OF WOKEY 

Tangible 

benefits 

Tangible 

benefits

THE NIGGLE 























more gubbins. 

Global pandemic of stupidity 

As the World goes to Hell in a handcart 

I’d like to welcome you to our Spring 

edition, aiming to cheer you up a little bit 

while we’re all caught in the middle of a 

global pandemic of stupidity. 

Here at the Niggle Magazine we’ve 

been following UK government advice 

to “act like you’ve got the virus” and, 

despite being fit and healthy, we’ve all 

hooked ourselves up to ventilators and 

have been lying around on hospital beds 

eating bad food. We’ll keep you posted 

on our progress. 

So what’s in this issue? Well, we’ve got 

the usual nonsense, but, unfortunately, no 

Crazy Mullahs this month. They’ve taken a 

short break to attend terrorist training camp 

in the Middle East. Luckily, because they 

were very young (38) when they flew 

out there, they’ll have lots of people 

defending their right to return to the UK. 

So don’t worry, they’ll be back! 

Ed. 

PROPAGANDA: 


promote our magazine: 

WORLD OF WOKE 

The magazine that sits there 

going, “Phwoooaaaarrrr!” in its 

life-drawing class. 

Satire, cartoons, nonsense, 

concrete, skimming, screeding 

and aggregates – all jobs 

considered, please contact us 

for a free estimate. 

Discussing ecclesiastical matters 

in a crack den. 

The magazine that performed 

brain surgery while wearing a 

giant pair of comedy sponge 

hands. 



us for ad rates. Ads can link to 

your website. Imagine that! 






‘Why didn’t you cover 

International Non-Binary 

Women of Colour with 

Speech Impediments Day 

in your mag? Do you not 

care about international 

non-binary women of 

colour who have speech 

impediments?’ 

[No. Ed] 

‘Absolute garbage. I loved 

it. More please.’ 

Stop 

showing 

off 


Our magazine is free, but at the moment 

we lose money putting it out. So, if you 

would like to donate a little to our free 

speech cause then read on. Even donating 

the price of a cup of coffee will buy us a 

cup of coffee. And that would be lovely. 

We’re dishing out religious titles to 

everyone who donates (just for a laugh), 

unless you want to remain anonymous 

of course. So, we would like to say a big 

thank you to all the new members of 

our Apostolic Holy Order. 

These include: 

Pastor John 

Onward Christian 

Pastor Kathryn 

and Archdeacon Jebbingtons for her 

regular donation. 

(as well as a bunch of other people 

who donated anonymously and gave no 

name. Thank you all!) 





3


IN BRIEF 

Mercury: An unforgiving 

atmosphere of hydrogen 

and helium, but ‘better 

than staying here’. 

END AWAY: Men who go on 

feminist marches and join in 

chants of ‘Crush the Patriarchy’ 

and ‘The Future is Female’ have 

admitted this week that they still 

haven’t been able to get their ends 

away. One said: “I’ve been going 

on these bloody marches and 

demonstrations for what seems 

like years and I still haven’t got 

laid. I’ve said all the right things, 

such as: ‘My favourite sitcom is 

Fleabag’ and ‘Climate change 

adversely affects women’, that 

sort of thing, but these feminists 

just don’t seem to find me attractive. 

Honestly I’ve had enough. F*ck 

it. I’m going to ask them to make 

me a cup of tea instead. That 

might work.” 

3,000-year waiting list 

to get the f*ck off Earth 

‘Long wait will be well worth it to go 

anywhere but here,’ say travellers 

Applicants face a 3,000-year wait for a spare 

seat on a spacecraft to take them well away 

from Earth, space tech companies have 

announced. 

And as 2021 looks as if it could be even 

worse than 2020, many experts think the 

long wait could grow to almost 4,000 years 

by September. 

One potential traveller, who did 

not want to be named, said 

she was prepared to live 

“anywhere but this place” and 

the long wait would be worth 

it. She said: “To be honest, I’m 

happy to wait 3,000 years. 

“After the year we’ve just 

had, and the year we’ve got coming 

along, it’s a small price to pay to get off this 

planet. 

“I realise that most places in our solar 

system are pretty inhospitable – especially 

the gas planets – but they’ve got to be better 

than here. And Mercury is an option. OK, it 

may have a highly variable atmosphere full 

of hydrogen and helium, but surely that’s 

fine as long as you don’t strike a match. 

4 

And I gave up smoking last year anyway.” 

Some of the reasons given for “getting the 

hell out of here” included Covid, economies 

crashing, and freedom of speech crackdowns, 

as well as more prosaic fears that “society is 

actually run by a bunch of lizard people who 

haven’t got our best interests at heart”. 

Another said: “As we all know, things 

are pretty terrible at the moment so 

I’m hoping to pull a few strings 

and jump the queue so I don’t 

have to wait so long. A 500-year 

wait would be acceptable.” 

Asked how he would fill his 

time before eventually getting a 

space flight, he said: “Oh, I dunno. 

A bunker somewhere. Netflix. Lots of 

options.” 

A spokesman for NASA said: “We’ve 

enlisted the help of lots of private companies 

such as Musky’s SpaceX, but unfortunately 

we haven’t got enough room for everyone 

who wants to leave Earth. 

“The strange thing is, we haven’t even 

named where we’re going yet. Most people 

don’t seem to care.” 

VIRTUE SIGNAL: Coronavirus 

masks are to be replaced with a 

“virtue signal” as part of a UK 

government scheme being rolled 

out next week. The signals consist 

of a bright light which is held in 

a person’s clenched fist to show 

what a fantastic, caring human 

being they are. The lamps will 

provide the same amount of virus 

protection as cloth masks. 

‘I’m brilliant’ 

WOKE REMAKE: Snow White 

and the Seven Dwarfs – the first 

ever animated feature film – is 

to be remade so it doesn’t offend 

anyone. Snow White Privilege and 

the Seven Persons of Restricted 

Growth is currently in production 

and will see the lead character 

reflect on her entitlement, despite 

being penniless and working 

class. Each short character will be 

a different race; and two will be 

gay, one trans, three bisexual and 

the seventh non-binary. The name 

Dopey will be dropped in favour 

of Special Needs. 


TOONS: COVID CACKER 



5

IN BRIEF 


LGBT-PEE-PEE: A whole month 

to celebrate gay people’s ability 

to pass urine has been organised 

for later this year. LGBT-Pee-Pee 

Month will give participants the 

chance to make merry over the 

lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans 

community’s capacity to do weewees. 

A spokesgay said: “We often 

forget that the LGBT crowd also 

needs to widdle – and that has 

never been celebrated. A massive 

oversight, and also discrimination 

to be perfectly honest.” The month 

will end with a parade through 

Brighton featuring a lesbian sitting 

on a rainbow toilet doing a Jimmy 

riddle. 

NOT TOO BRIGHT: A skinhead 

racist who converted to diversity 

has been jailed for racial abuse. 

Darren Poohead, 32, had for years 

paraded around Bradford shouting, 

“P*kis Out! P*kis Out!” until 

he was jailed by magistrates two 

years ago. Poohead then underwent 

a conversion to multiculturalism 

while in jail and came out a 

reformed man. The court was told 

that only a few days after he was 

released, Poohead again paraded 

through Bradford shouting, “P*kis 

In! P*kis In!” Jailing him for nine 

weeks, Judge De Walli-de-Honk 

said: “You’re not very bright, are 

you?” 

Burning and lynching 

to help tackle racism 

Anti-racist campaigners adopt KKK’s 

methods to further progressive cause 

Cross-burning and lynching have made 

a comeback in the name of combating 

racism. 

Campaigners looked at some of the 

practices taking place on college campuses 

and in the public sector – such as separate 

courses/areas for black and white people – 

and decided on the next steps forward. 

Those steps include setting fire to 

burning crosses outside black people’s 

homes, and also lynching – a form of mob 

justice that ends in hanging. 

Antifa member Josh Twerpington said: 

“Burning a crucifix outside the home of a 

black person while dressed in pointy hats 

will show them that we haven’t forgotten 

the sins of white people in the past. And if 

we can sing a few racist songs and carry 

out a lynching then even better. 

“It is only by remembering the atrocities 

carried out by our forefathers that we can 

atone for those sins and create a better 

world moving forward. We should never 

forget. So get lynching!” 

Darren 

Poohead 

IMMORTALITY: Lockdowns 

are set to continue until the secret 

of immortality is discovered, 

governments across the World 

announced this week. So bloody 

well get used to it! 

Sing-a-long-a-jihadi 

Letter From Terrorist Training Camp 

Lyrics inspired by Hello 

Muddah, Hello Fadduh 

(A Letter from Camp) by 

Allan Sherman. 

Music: Ponchielli’s Dance 

of the Hours. 

Hello Mullah, Intifada. 

Here I am at, Camp Jihad-ah. 

And I’m writing, you this letter. 

Just to say my bomb-making is 

getting better. 

And my room mate’s, called 

Mohammed. 

He’s in charge of, total 

damage. 

He’s a peaceful, man of 

knowledge. 

Driving vans into large crowds and 

causing carnage. 


THE REAL PAGE 



A selection of real emails sent by freelance 

journalist Jennifer Ali-Khan to Channel 5, 

– and to BBC ‘journalist’ Jon Sopel 


Sent: 02 November 2020 

To: Channel 5 Press Office 

Hello 

Re: Your recent news about Jodie 

Turner-Smith playing Anne Boleyn. 

I heard a rumour that you have another 

production in the pipeline about 

Malcolm X, starring Timothy Spall in 

the lead role. Could you confi rm if this 

is correct, or is it just a rumour? 

Many thanks 






Hello 

Is it also true that the diminutive actor 

Warwick Davis is due to play civil rights 

activist Rosa Parks in a new Channel 

5 drama? 

Many thanks 




Sent: 10 November 2020 


Hello 

Is it true that Ainsley Harriott has been 

cast as Gandhi for a new Channel 

5 drama about the Indian civil rights 

leader? 

Many thanks 



A journalist prepares 

for President Biden’s 

press briefing 


Sent: 29 January 2021 

To: BBC’s America correspondent 

Jon Sopel 

Hello Jon 

I don’t know if you saw this article in the 

satirical news website Babylon Bee? 

‘White House Press Corps Wears 

Cheerleading Uniforms to Press 

Briefing.’ 

https://babylonbee.com/news/whitehouse-press-corps-replaced-with-teamof-cheerleaders 

I just wondered if you’d bought your 

cheerleaders uniform yet? 

Regards 






Hello 

Is it true that actor Gerard Depardieu 

has been cast as Pocahontas for a 

new Channel 5 drama about the 

Native American historical figure? 

Many thanks 






Hello 

Is it also true that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ 

Johnson has been cast as the famous 

circus dwarf General Tom Thumb for 

a new Channel 5 drama? 

Many thanks 






Hello 

Is it true that Danny DeVito has been 

cast as President Mobutu of the 

Democratic Republic of Congo for a 

new Channel 5 drama? 

Many thanks 



JENNIFER HAD NOT RECEIVED 

REPLIES FROM JON SOPEL OR 

CHANNEL 5 AS WE WENT TO PRESS 


7

Wear four masks, keep 

378m apart - save lives 

Future regulations also include sitting 

alone in a bunker, 48m below ground 

IN BRIEF 

Governments across the globe have already 

issued their Covid regulations for the year 

2024 - the biggest indication yet that strict 

pandemic measures are not going away any 

time soon. 

The regulations state that citizens must 

wear at least four masks when they leave 

home, stay 378 metres away from other 

people at all times, and, if entering a shop 

or public building, a Hazmat (harzardous 

materials) suit is recommended. 

People are also advised not to speak to 

anyone, thus reducing the risk of passing 

on the virus through water droplets, and to 

try other forms of communication such as 

using Semaphore flags or tapping on the 

ground in Morse Code. 

A World Health Organisation spokesman 

said: “These measures may sound tough 

but we can beat this. By doing very simple 

things such as wearing a Hazmat suit we 

can flatten the curve and stop the spread of 

the virus.” 

Covid advice while at home included 

building a number of individual lead-lined 

bunkers for family members , 48 metres 

below ground level. 

The spokesman added: “Even when 

people are in their bunkers we ask that they 

still wear their masks. It’s important not to 

get complacent. 

“Remember the motto: Sit alone in a 

bunker 48 metres below ground level. Save 

lives.” 

KNIGHTS EXEMPLAR: The 

remains of a group of social 

justice warrior knights have been 

found by archaeologists working 

in Jerusalem. Skeletons of the 

Knights Exemplar – an elite 

medieval unit which protected 

Christians travelling to the Holy 

Land while lecturing them about 

gender issues, homophobia, 

racism, and trans rights – are now 

being examined by scientists. 

Clues that the bones are those of 

the Knights Exemplar include one 

of the skeletons clutching a copy 

of the book White Fragility, while 

another appears to be wearing 

a remarkably preserved tunic 

adorned with the words, ‘Trans 

Women Are Real Women.’ 

Sensible attire if you’re leaving the house 

Racism still exists after taking the knee 

Footballers and other sportsmen have 

admitted to being baffled that racism 

still exists after months of “taking the 

knee”. 

The habit of going down 

on one knee before football 

matches and other sporting 

events to “demonstrate how 

passionate one is to racial 

justice” has been going on for 

many months now, but, 

A knee 

unbelievably, racism hasn’t gone away. 

One footballer, who didn’t want to 

be named, said: “I’m confused, quite 

frankly. Maybe we need more 

knees? Maybe we should strap 

on some false knees? 

“If more knees are touching 

the ground then maybe 

racism will finally ‘do one’. 

“Yes, that’s it, more knees. 

More knees please!” 

WHITING UP: Anti racists have 

been told to “pull their fingers 

out” for letting Goths off the hook 

for painting their faces white. 

Goths, also known as “dead 

people in orthopaedic shoes”, 

enjoy looking extremely pale, 

and often use cosmetics to make 

themselves look even more white. 

And in a time when whiteys are 

under fire for their “privilege”, 

some say the whitening of the face 

is “rubbing it in” to those who are 

oppressed. One commentator said: 

“The fact that these dead-peoplein-orthopaedic-shoes 

can walk 

around looking bright white is a 

kick in the teeth to those fighting 

to eliminate white privilege. So 

come on Antifa and BLM, pull 

your fingers out. Don’t be sloths, 

sponge down the Goths.” 




Vlad the Impaler now 

branded ‘good bloke’ 

He used the correct gender pronouns 

when chopping o heads of victims 

A history student has claimed that Vlad the 

Impaler was actually a decent fella who 

stood for LGBTQ rights – even when he 

was chopping up his victims and impaling 

them on spikes. 

Morwenna Tweddlington, a second-year 

undergraduate at Wokely University in 

Greater Manchester, said that although 

Mr Impaler was said to be a “demented 

psychopath, sadist, gruesome murderer and 

masochist who carried out unspeakable acts 

of cruelty”, his championing of gay rights 

and use of anti-fascist slogans meant he 

was actually “on the side of decency”. 

Ms Tweddlington said: “Vlad had a 

good heart, as well as a collection of other 

people’s hearts. Forget the impaling for a 

minute, he was a decent bloke. Period.” 

Impaler - ‘decent chap’ 

IN BRIEF 

INNOCENTS ERROR: The 

atrocities that took place under 

Herod’s Massacre of the Innocents 

have been reclassified as Covid 

deaths following new research. 

The notorious Biblical event, 

which saw the slaughter of all 

male children, two years old and 

under, close to Bethlehem, has 

recently been studied by scientists 

working for the UK and US 

governments. A spokesman said: 

“It’s clear from looking at written 

records that many of the children 

had high temperatures and dry 

coughs before they were hacked 

to bits. And some complained they 

had lost their sense of taste. So, 

for the sake of accuracy, it’s better 

to rebrand them as deaths from 

Covid-19.” 

Firearms for kids – a guide 

There are some fantastic real guns 

on the market for your kids. And 

in an ever more dangerous world, 

there’s never been a better time to 

equip your toddler with a decent 

firearm. 

Our top tip for tots is the AK47, 

pictured below with baby Zak. 

Kalashnikov has brought out a 

special lightweight model for 

youngsters featuring an easy 

action trigger, no cumbersome 

safety catch and a vastly reduced 

magazine capacity of 8 bullets. 

If a rifle is not within your budget 

then why not treat your newborn 

to a pistol? 

A Walther PPK is small enough 

to accommodate tiny hands, 

and, because it is James Bond’s 

weapon of choice, it will give your 

little one the perfect opportunity to 

have a bit of fun and pretend to be 

the fictional secret agent. 

But be careful, the traditional 

double-action trigger mechanism 

makes it 

a weapon not 

to be 

messed with. 

Treat 

it with care! 

ME TOO: A man who replied to 

the words: “Most women don’t 

want trans-women using women’s 

changing rooms” with the remark: 

“Men don’t want them in their 

changing rooms either” appeared 

in court yesterday. He was ordered 

to be tarred and feathered, to have 

a rainbow flag draped around his 

shoulders, and to walk through the 

centre of his home town chanting: 

“Trans women are real women.” 


9

Fatima undercover 

Our reporter spent two tough weeks at a school 

for the deaf, teaching young pupils to lip read 

After spending most of last year 

learning how to lip read it was 

finally time to put my teaching 

skills into practice with a bunch 

of school children in south 

London. 

Learning to lip read is no 

simple task and pupils must pay 

proper attention to the shape 

of the mouth and lips, and also 

facial expressions. 

In my case, because of my 

religious garb, the youngsters 

had to use guesswork to deduce 

what I was saying through my 

body language and eyes. Yes, it 

was an uphill struggle for a lot 

of them – especially the fouryear-olds 

– but accepting my 

choice to cover myself with a 

giant bag has made them much 

more inclusive and tolerant. 

Let’s just hope that this counts 

in their favour when exams 

come around. Byeeeeee! 

Assistant Ms Farooq 

also demonstrated 

many lip movements 

Read my lips: Fatima in action 



THE GREEN PAGE 


The best 

bin juice 

cocktails 

1. Bin Juice Punch 

You can make this repugnant 

punch well before your guests 

have arrived. A real showstopper. 

INGREDIENTS: 

85ml bin juice 

45ml grenadine 

35ml orange juice 

mint and grapefruit 

Add the ingredients to a shaker 

and fill with ice, then strain into a 

punchbowl and serve. Sprigs of 

mint and grapefruit slices will make 

a very nice garnish. Gruesome. 

2. Bin Caipirinha 

A classic Brazilian cocktail, but this 

time with a twist! 

INGREDIENTS: 

half a lime 

3 tsp brown sugar 


Mint sprig to garnish 

Quarter the lime and put the pieces 

in a shaker with three teaspoons of 

brown sugar. Add the bin juice and 

shake vigorously. Pour into a large 

ice-filled glass, garnish with the 

mint sprig and drink. Vile. 

3. Bina Colada 

INGREDIENTS: 


one banana, sliced 

coconut cream 

35ml pineapple juice 

Whack all your ingredients into a 

blender and blitz. Totally disgusting. 

But remember, by drinking this slop 

you are changing the temperature 

of the Earth for the better! 


11

TOONS 


‘Damn, we’ve hit a Thunberg’ 

‘Another straight, white whale’ 

Toxic femininity 

Lesbian, Gay and British Telecom community 

Performing a narcissism 

12 



Techy thump 

Treat yourself to a 

Tangible Benefitbit 

A new gadget has hit the tech market this 

week that measures the number of Brexit 

moans in a 24-hour period. 

Targeted at Remainers, the Tangible 

Benefitbit is meant to be worn around the 

wrist and will log the sighs, whines and 

gripes about leaving the EU during an 

average day. 

If the wearer has forgotten to say the 

words, “Give me one tangible benefit” in 

any particular hour, the device will then 

flash and vibrate to remind them they 

need to say it. 

If, after asking for a list of advantages, 

some genuine benefits are forthcoming, 

the Benefitbit will show a message telling 

the Remainer to cover his ears, and walk 

away from the danger zone – the real 

life equivalent of blocking someone on 

Twitter. Cost: £79.99. Out now. 

Jump aboard, brace yersens, it’s Sir Norbert 

You join a regatta and you’re 

nicked for people trafficking 

Wiffy Babcock – a stalwart bibber 

at my gentlemen’s club – said to me 

recently, “The last time I was on your 

yacht it was when we got rat-arsed and 

sailed off to find Robert Maxwell’s 

body, but by the time we got there 

they’d found the old porker.” Upshot of 

that little reminiscence was that Wiffy 

wanted another ride on my yacht. 

The Greta is a rather splendid vessel 

and many an establishment luminary 

has enjoyed themselves aboard, even 

old Ted Heath, our bachelor PM in 

1973, enjoyed trilling “hello sailor” at 

the crew back in the days when I was 

trying to stop him taking us into Europe. 

Nowadays of course I spend all my 

time thinking how I can get us back into 

the EU. Norbert’s Labour Corps (NLC), 

my new employment agency for 

exploiting foreign workers – sorry, I 

mean helping the British economy 

recover by using non-domestic 

migrant workers – needs a bit of 

the old free movement. 

But I digress. So I make some 

phone calls and me and 

Wiffy head to Dover and 

its out into the Channel 

we go. A life on the ocean 

waves; The Greta going great guns. 

Quadruple gin and tonics on the bridge 

and all that lark. Splendidly, some way 

off dear old Folkestone we saw lots of 

little boats. “What’s this?” says Wiffy. 

“Dunno,” says I. “Some charming 

regatta, probably by the fisherfolk.” 

The boats got closer and we’re all 

waving and doing manoeuvres. I invited 

some of them aboard – heck of a lot of 

them. Swarthy types mostly. We kept 

them entertained by teaching them how 

to tie sailors’ knots. I said: “I say, are 

you lot Spaniards?” But all I got was a 

load of dago gabble back. 

They seemed happy to lash their boats 

to mine and the next thing we’re all 

having a bit of a knees-up; but pulling 

into Dover a dozen rozzers pop up in a 

boat with a flashing blue light. 

“I’m arresting you, Sir Norbert, on 

suspicion of people trafficking,” one 

rozzer said. 

It’s not the end of the world. I 

shall tell the judge that I tutored 

the swarthy fellows in English 

culture. For a start there’ll be 

plenty of Deliveroo cyclists 

in London who can tie a 

sheep shank. Toodle pip! 

Midwife who shouted ‘It’s a 

boy’ sued for misgendering 

A midwife has found herself in hot water this week 

after shouting, “You’ve got a boy” shortly before 

both parents had a chance to decide on the tot’s 

gender. 

Beauty Adeeebyoo said she was sorry for her 

“outburst” and would plead guilty to misgendering at 

the forthcoming court case. 

Parents Ben and Emily Partingeton said they were 

extremely upset by Ms Adeeebyoo’s utterances and 

were keen to move on following legal proceedings. 

Their one-week-old baby, now named Sage, has 

asked to remain non-binary for the foreseeable future. 

Non binary: 

Baby Sage 


13

Progressive refuses to 

block racist who’s ‘hot’ 

‘Have you seen her baps?’ asks woke 

man still following far-right nutcase 

IN BRIEF 

A man with a twitter bio full of Antifa 

slogans and Martin Luther King quotes now 

has “questions to answer” after his friends 

discovered he was following a vile, racist 

woman “just because she’s hot”. 

Derek De-Guyler from Wisconsin, USA, 

has been following a Miss Jennifer Hitler 

on Twitter for about a year – despite her 

extreme views. 

Ms Hitler has on many occasions tweeted 

Jennifer Hitler. ‘Ignore 

the swastika on her 

front – she’s hot’ 

offensive posts about foreigners and Jews 

– but this didn’t stop Mr De-Guyler from 

following her and, sometimes, replying to 

her posts with smiley face emojis. 

He said: “I regret it now, to be honest. 

But come on, have you seen her Charlies? 

And when she’s wearing a tight-fitting 

top – Phwwooooorrrrr! 

“I just have to ignore the swastikas on the 

front though.” 

Anti fascist Mr De-Guyler 

Religion 

VIRUS WORSHIP: A football 

stadium has been put aside for 

people who want to continue 

worshipping the Covid-19 virus 

long after things have got back to 

normal. Fans of the ’rona will be 

able to congregate and cheer on 

the coronavirus in a 100,000 seat 

venue in Washington for at least 

the next 10 years. Masks will be 

supplied at the door and social 

distancing will be adhered to at 

all times. Organisers said a typical 

event will feature a few support 

acts before the virus makes a 

headline appearance at the end of 

the evening. 

EMPTY PAP: A three-monthold 

child who was seen nipping 

out for a kebab has said he was 

“absolutely starving” after being 

chest-fed by his trans-woman 

dad. The tot said: “I was sucking 

on me dad’s, sorry mum’s, titty 

for an entire evening – and food 

there was none. So I headed out 

for a doner. Don’t judge me, I was 

famished.” 

Looting – but social distancing 

Antifa have been praised for wearing 

masks and standing 2m apart while 

smashing up shops and businesses in 

Portland, Oregon. 

A witness said: “They were extremely 

conscientious. One of the protesters 

used a 2m pole to smash the windows 

14 

of a local government building. He 

obviously cared about spreading the 

’rona and wanted to keep the required 

distance away from others. 

“And I spotted another ‘double 

masking’ as he ran off with a big telly 

from Walmart. Top marks all round.” 

ASYMPTOMATIC: There is now 

evidence that stupidity spreads 

asymptomatically, according to a 

new report. That’s it. That’s the 

story. What more do you want 

from me! [OK, calm down. Ed.] 

DID YOU KNOW? Calling for 

race and gender quotas in films 

while wearing a funny moustache 

and making wisecracks is known 

as Cultural Groucho Marxism. 


DO YOU WANT GRANDMA TO DIE?!!!! 


Every Covid argument, ever 

Person A: Just wear a 

damn mask. 

Person B: Here are clips 

of Dr Fauci and also the 

World Health Organisation 

saying masks don’t really 

help. 

Person A: The science has 

changed since then; wear 

a mask. 

Person B: How long do you 

want lockdowns to go on? 

Until they discover the 

secret of immortality? 

Person A: If people just 

followed the rules we’d be 

out of this a lot quicker. 

Person B: It says in your 

Twitter bio that you’re a 

Labour supporter. Look 

at you, going along with 

everything the Tories want 

you to do. 

Person A: This is a public 

health crisis. Follow the 

rules. 

Person B: Lockdowns 

don’t work. We need to get 

back to work. Look at the 

e ect it’s having on mental 

health, alcoholism, missed 

appointments, and people 

losing their livelihoods. 

Person A: DO YOU WANT 

GRANDMA TO DIE?!!!!!! 

Person B: Have you been 

calling for masks and 

lockdowns during every flu 

season? 

Person C 

Person A: Don’t be absurd, 

Covid isn’t the flu. 

Person B: I’ll take that 

as a ‘no’. DO YOU WANT 

GRANDMA TO DIE?!!!!!! 

Person A: Look at Covid 

death figures. Educate 

yourself. Do the work. 

Person B: You realise that 

the inventor of the PCR 

process (used to test for 

Covid), the respected 

biochemist Kary Mullis, 

said it shouldn’t be used 

as an actual ‘test’. 

Person A: That’s not what 

he actually said. 

Person B: Yes he did. Do 

the work. Educate yourself. 

Person A: You do the work! 

Person C: *Head explodes* 


15

TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME 


Trump Derangement Syndrome 

was falsely labelled as the ’rona 

An increase in Covid-19 cases across the 

World may have been due to traces of 

Trump Derangement Syndrome being 

falsely labelled as the virus. 

The widely-used PCR test may have 

produced a large number of false positives, 

branding thousands of otherwise 

healthy Donald Trump-haters as having 

Covid. 

Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) 

is a common disease among the “woke” 

and privileged classes, with symptoms 

including shouting, “Not my president, 

not my president!” and “Orange man bad, 

orange man bad” at dinner parties and 

other social events until one’s face turns 

puce. 

Other pointers that someone 

may have TDS include screams of, 

“Noooooooooooo, nooooooooooooo, 

noooooooooooo!!!!!!” after reading 

something on social media, followed by 

“Racist, racist, racist, racist” after hearing 

Trump call Covid “the China virus”. 

This is often followed by sufferers 

rocking back and forward with their hands 

over their faces while spluttering and 

dribbling. 

The World Health Organisation (WHO), 

which said it was looking into the matter, 

issued a statement blaming a junior lab 

technician for issuing advice to set the 

so-called PCR cycles to “TDS”. 

The statement said: “Even if someone 

has had TDS in the past, there are still 

traces in the body which can be picked up 

by the PCR test. It is these traces that have 

been falsely labelled as Covid. 

“A junior lab technician was responsible 

for dishing out rubbish advice. It is 

unfair to name him but his name is David 

Smith.” 

One critic said: “The WHO should up 

their game and crack down on this. To be 

honest, The WHO were a lot better when 

Keith Moon was on drums.” 

FluAnon 

A conspiracy theory 

The belief that masks and 

standing 2m apart can wipe 

out influenza (a virus that 

has been with us for hundreds, 

if not thousands, of years). 

16 







6am. Escape to the Country 

Sonali Shah helps a couple of retired, disabled 

former Greenpeace activists search for a new 

property in Yorkshire. Both pensioners are 

wheelchair users but unfortunately someone 

on the crew forgot to pack the ramps. 

9.15. Homo Is Where the Art Is 

Nick Knowles challenges artists to create a 

painting for the home of a house-buyer who 

is recovering following an accident involving 

some leather chaps, a slippery floor and a 

Victorian police truncheon. 

10.00. Ready Steady Cook 

An all vegan special featuring cooks Hayley 

and Nikki who are knocking up some lovely 

mouthwatering vegan treats that don’t taste of 

cardboard, not at all. 

11.00. Weather Women 

Award-winning documentary looking at weather 

and how it adversely affects women. The 

programme asks, ‘What can be done to make 

weather more inclusive?’ Presented by Jeremy 

Clarkson. 


Activists posing as journalists read from an 

autocue to the seven people in the UK who are 

still watching. 


The BBC wing of the London Mayor’s office 

lets you know what’s what. 

3.00. Doctors 

Double bill: Christina’s past as a cast member 

of The Black and White Minstrel Show catches 

up with her as she performs delicate open 

heart surgery on an ethnic-minority patient. 


Restoration expert Derek takes on the 

huge responsibility of restoring a full-size 

matchstick model of Mahatma Gandhi. The 

model suffered extensive damage to one leg 

in 2018 when someone set fi re to one of his 

sandals. 

6.30. Film night 

Two classic films with warnings at the start that 

the movies may contain entertainment. 

10.30. Question Time 

A big hint to head out to your garden workshop 

and hammer a masonry nail into your skull 

instead. 

8am. Antiques Roadshow 

A special diversity edition where the owners 

of antiques found to have any British Empire 

connection are forced to sell their treasures 

and give the money to Lenny Henry. 

9.00. Great Expectations 

Dramatisation of the classic Dickens novel 

about an orphan’s rise through high society. 

Starring Miriam Margoles as Pip, and Graham 

Norton as Miss Havisham. 

11.00. Best House in Town 

Properties in York are judged by neighbours, 

beginning with a flat conversion. The property 

converted from Judaism to Islam in January of 

this year. What could go wrong! 

1.00. My Unique B&B 

Simon and the team travel to Wiltshire to meet 

Jemima and Benjamin who have big plans 

to turn their shed into a B&B with a slavery 

theme. Unfortunately the heavy chains and 

shackles they ordered have still not arrived. 

3.00. Countryfile 

After branding the countryside ‘racist’, the 

team have been working damn hard to actually 

fi nd something racist in the countryside. John 

comes up trumps when he spots a tree shaped 

like Heinrich Himmler. 

5.00. Black and White 

The show that looks at a different black and 

white thing every week. Today: ‘Are zebras 

racist?’ 

Zebras: Pigmentation segregation 

10.00. Wild Scotland 

Scottish wildlife cameraman Gordon Buchanan 

spends a week filming the untamed goings-on 

in the Scottish Parliament. 

6am. News 

Nah. 

9.00. Start the Week 

Again, nah. 


The presenters travel further up their own 

woke rectums than they’ve ever travelled 

before, entering a warp in the space-time 

continuum and emerging out of the other side 

into a world where dustbin men, plumbers, 

scaffolders, coal miners and mechanics are 

100% female. After working on the bins for a 

couple of days they apply for a job at Radio 4. 

11.00. Twelve Years a Stave 

How the treble clef and other musical notations 

were actually invented by white supremacists 

and should be consigned to the dustbin of 

music history. 

12.00. The Film Programme 

The three movies this week include: Bad Men; 

Badder Men; and Evil Men – all featuring an 

all-female cast. 

1.00. Diverse Gardening 

Very often, gardeners will separate white 

fl owers from flowers of colour. The programme 

looks at ways to avoid floral segregation by 

using planting programmes based on the 

green fi ngers of Martin Luther King. 


Jemima spots her work colleague reading a 

book by Douglas Murray and reports him for 

‘racism’, but the tables turn when police arrive 

to find a stuffed Ku Klux Klansman toy on her 

desk, placed there by a mischievous co-worker. 


More on the ‘Number 68, Acacia Road variant’ 

and how we should all carry on wearing masks 

and social distancing until a government 

review in 2027. 

6.00. News 

Nah. 

6.30. No Binary Non-Binary 

Following a group of non-binary flatmates who 

absolutely hate ones and zeros. 

7.30. Algorithm is a Dancer 

The fi rst-ever interview with Twitter’s algorithm 

who admits his ambition is to take part in the 

next series of Strictly Come Dancing. 


17

MUMBO JUMBO 

If you can keep your head when all about 

you are losing theirs, you’ve probably just 

escaped a party hosted by Islamic State 



Many Joe 

Biden voters 

are fans of 

ours. Here 

are just a 

few of them 



niggle 

VERB 



o ended by 


magazine then 



us on Twitter 


and stop 

showing 

off!


For more of 

the same old 

nonsense see 

our next issue! 

Oooh, 

I say! 

Hello 

ducky 


Issue 9 this way


ISSUE 9 Summer 2021 FREE @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 


We’re taking the knee 

Fighting 

injustice 

one leg at 

a time 

FEATURING: 

SMUG 

REMAIN FACE 

THUMP! 

& much more

THE NIGGLE 























more gubbins. 

And you can donate to our 

‘funny for the hell of it’ cause 

at www.nigglemagazine.com/ 

support. 



‘Christ, how do you even 

give this stu away?’ 

‘The worst magazine I’ve 

ever seen. Very poor. It 

really is. Imagine spending 

this much time putting 

together something so 

bad. When does your next 

issue come out?’ 

[September. Ed.] 

‘I liked it until you mocked 

some of my own political 

beliefs. Then I stopped 

liking it.’ 

Stop 

showing 

off 

It’s our second anniversary 

Happy birthday to us! Yes, it’s two years 

since our very first issue. Two years of 

ripping the p*ss out of the woke and they 

still keep coming up with the goods by 

getting more and more nutty every day. 

So, to celebrate, we’ve got a brand new 

cartoon character: Jeremy Smee – He’s 

Taking The Knee. Yep, that’s right, he’s 

always dropping down onto his knee to 

apologise for things that happened many 

years before he was born. 

Our regular characters The Crazy 

Mullahs are back from attending terrorist 

training camp, and Smug Remain Face 

gets married and has a very special 

honeymoon in Brussels. Exciting eh! 

So, besides saying a massive thank you 

to all our readers, there’s just one last 

thing to say: ‘Have you had your jab yet, 

have you had your jab yet, have you had 

your jab yet, have you had your jab yet, 

have you had your jab yet ...? [yawn]’ 

Ed. 

WORLD OF WOKE 


Our magazine is free to read, but at 

the moment we lose money putting it 

out. So, if you would like to donate 

a little bit to our funny-for-the-hellof-it 

cause, then click below. Even 

donating the price of a cup of coffee 

will buy us a cup of coffee. And our 

elderly proprietor, Sir Norbert, 

pictured, would be most grateful. 

CLICK 

HERE TO 

DONATE 

Van Gogh’s painting of Kim Jong-Un 

is ‘100 per cent genuine’, say experts 

That’s right! Listen to 

the science, follow the 

science, the science, the 

science. Experts have 

used the latest top notch 

scientific methods to 

prove “with absolute 

certainty” that Vincent 

Van Gogh’s painting 

of the North Korean 

dictator is not a fake. 

One of the experts, 

who did not want to 

be named, said it was 

painted in 1888 during 

a particularly prolific 

year for the artist. 

When asked how it 

was possible for Van 

Gogh (who died in 

1890) to paint Supreme 

Leader Kim, who was 

not born until 1982, he 

would only say: “The 

science, the science, 

listen to the science.”

TOONS: JEREMY SMEE - HE’S TAKING THE KNEE 



3

Aromatherapists sent 

in to calm gun maniac 

Defund The Police supporters turn to 

holistic methods to tackle criminal 

Supporters of the Defund The Police 

movement were claiming success this week 

after a gun-toting maniac was pacified 

using Jasmine and Tea Tree oils. 

The deranged gunman was holed up in a 

Californian supermarket holding three staff 

members hostage and threatening to shoot 

one of them if various demands weren’t 

met. 

Defunding of the police had left the 

service short staffed, so a team of three 

aromatherapists were quickly assembled 

and sent in to do their thing. 

One said: “We very quickly used the 

Jasmine and Tea Tree scents to create a 

calming atmosphere. 

“Once we’d got him interested we 

brought out the big hitters – Marjoram and 

Bergamot (a citrus scented oil) – and he put 

down his weapon straight away.” 

Who needs a police 

force when you have 

essential oils? 

IN BRIEF 

MIGHTY WIND: Activists have 

been pulling down their pants and 

breaking wind for racial justice. 

Antifart have been pushing their 

anti-fascist message, as well as 

pushing noxious gases from their 

bottoms, across towns such as 

Portland, every day since they 

were formed three weeks ago. In 

fact the smell has become so bad 

that Portland’s mayor has said 

they should be designated a 

“terrorist group”. Founder Barry 

‘The Blurt’ Blundell said: “We 

wanted to do something to get 

attention, and it’s certainly done 

that. The smell can be a bit much 

sometimes but if you can stick to 

smelling your own then it’s not too 

bad.” 

PAY GAP: ISIS will look at 

pay disparities between men and 

women in their terror group after 

pressure from the international 

community. A spokesman said: 

“It’s true that statistically ISIS 

men get paid more than ISIS 

women but if you look at what the 

women do every day: Exist with 

no human rights, slavery, lack of 

equal protection under the law, no 

freedom of movement, and forced 

marriages; then why on earth 

should they get paid the same as 

the men, who are busy chopping 

people’s heads off. But it’s certainly 

something we can look into.” 

Twitter fact checkers replace doctors 

Doctors who have not been following 

the government’s Covid narrative have 

been replaced with fact checkers from 

Twitter, it has been revealed. 

One woman in east London said she 

paid a visit to her GP’s surgery because 

of a suspected broken rib and was 

surprised to be seen – not by her usual 

doctor – but by a bearded millennial in 

sandals. 

She said: “I asked him about his 

medical qualifications and he showed 

me a certificate for a three-month course 

in fact checking. He said my broken rib 

was a conspiracy theory and prescribed 

a three-month Twitter ban.” 

BANANA BUFFOON: A man 

close to suicide after his business 

and marriage collapsed during the 

Covid lockdowns says he has 

been comforted by watching BBC 

presenters on daytime TV saying, 

“Hey, why not bake some 

lockdown banana bread!!!” Jeff 

Timms said: “I’ve lost everything. 

But it was only after watching one 

of these buffoons that I realised 

we’re actually all in this together.” 

4 





5

DO YOU WANT GRANDMA TO DIE?!!!! 


Rappers Eggs Easy and Iced Bun 

keep an eye on their neighbours 

Snitchers with attitude 

Rappers famous for songs such as Fuck the Government 

call police because neighbours are not wearing masks 

A member of the controversial 1990s rap 

group Rebels With Attitude – famous for 

their anti-establishment songs attacking 

politicians, the police, and government 

rules and regulations – was spotted this 

week reporting his neighbours for holding 

a barbecue in breach of Covid lockdown 

restrictions. 

Rapper Eggs Easy (real name Eric 

Wright) was filmed phoning a police officer 

by a startled fan of the band who happened 

to be passing by. 

The fan said: “He was adamant that he’d 

spotted a small breach of Covid restrictions 

and wanted something done about it. 

“Something about one too many people 

being in his neighbours’ garden. 

“He even told the police that he’d seen a 

child not wearing a mask. Can you believe 

it?” 

The fan also said that Iced Bun, another 

member of the band, was standing next 

to Eggs reminding him of further rule 

breaches. 

He said: “Iced Bun was standing there 

saying, ‘Don’t forget the kid not wearing 

a mask, don’t forget the kid not wearing a 

mask’ and Eggs was telling him to be quiet 

because he’d already reported it. 

“It was like two old women gossiping. 

Rebels With Attitude, huh! Snitchers With 

Attitude more like!” 

When we contacted Eggs Easy for a 

statement he refused to speak to us, but 

released a statement through his lawyers. 

The statement said: “People who breach 

government rules are spoiling it for the rest 

of us. I wear my mask, I social distance, I 

stick to the rules. Covid cases surged to six 

in my local area last week. The quicker we 

all follow the regulations, the quicker we all 

get out of this. And fuck the pol-eeeese!” 

Hello officer ... 

The full transcript of Eggs 

Easy’s phone call to the San 

Francisco police department: 

“I’d like to report a breach 

of lockdown restrictions 

please. It’s my neighbours. 

They’re holding a barbecue 

and I’ve counted seven 

people in the garden when 

rules specify that only six 

people are allowed. And 

one of the children is not 

wearing a mask. yes, yes, 

it’s terrible, a total breach 

of regulations. My name? 

Yes, it’s Eric Wright, spelt 

W.R.I.G.H.T. That’s it. Thank 

you o cer, thank you.” 


THE REAL PAGE 




journalist Jennifer Ali-Khan to the Women’s 

Equality Party and Sainsbury’s supermarket 


Sent: May 11, 2021 

To: Women’s Equality Party 

Hello 

I am researching ‘equality’ and what 

that actually means. 

Regarding, say, women on boards, you 

state on your website that ‘we believe 

quotas will be necessary as a shortterm 

measure’. Could you explain what 

these quotas would be. Would they 

be 50/50 men/women? Or a higher 

proportion of women? Do you have a 

fi gure? 

Many thanks 



From: Women’s Equality Party 

Sent: May 14, 2021 


Hi Jennifer 

We believe that as half the population 

are women, so half our legislators 

should be women too. 

Best wishes 


Sent: May 17, 2021 


Your policy states, “We are pushing for 

equal representation in politics, business, 

industry and throughout working life.” 

Could you let me know what active 

steps the Women’s Equality Party is 

taking to ensure refuse collectors, 

scaffolders, miners, builders and road 

sweepers are 50% female. 

Jennifer 


Sent: June 3, 2021 

To: Sainsbury’s 

There are still posters on the doors of 

Sainsbury’s stores saying that masks 

must be worn. As we have now hit zero 

Covid deaths in the UK, are you going 

to now stop insisting that masks be worn 

– or are you going to carry on until the 

number of deaths hits a minus figure? 


From: Sainsbury’s 



At present, we are asking everyone to 

continue playing their part in helping us 

to keep everyone safe in our stores and 

to wear face coverings, in line with the 

government guidance. 

We will continue to monitor the situation 

and make changes when and where 

necessary in order to ensure the safety 

of everyone. 



To: Sainsbury’s 

Do you have a minus figure in mind or is 

it just a case of continuing to follow the 

science? 

Jennifer 

From: Sainsbury’s 



As previously advised we are asking 

everyone to continue playing their part 

in helping us to keep everyone safe in 

our stores and to wear face coverings, 

in line with the government guidance. 

Kind Regards 




Hello WEP, are you there? (this is my 

fi fth follow up email). I have sent you 

fi ve follow-up emails so far (May 18, 

May 21, May 25, May 28 and June 8) 

to ask if you are going to respond to 

my question and, as yet, I have not 

received a reply. 

If I write something and say that you 

refused to respond, readers may infer 

that the Women’s Equality Party cares 

little about equal representation in 

working class professions, don’t you 

think? 

Many thanks 

Jennifer 

From: Women’s Equality Party 



Hi Jennifer 

Thank you for your email. We aren’t 

able to provide a comment at this time. 

With thanks and best wishes 




OK. Not to worry. 

Jennifer. 

PS. My husband is a scaffolder. As 

your organisation obviously doesn’t 

care about equal representation in 

working class professions such as his, 

he asks whether some of your team 

could come over and make him a cup 

of tea? 


7

Man identifies as every 

gender all at same time 

History was made this week after 

a ‘man’ identified as all 3,782 

genders all at once. 

Robin Chuzzlewhacket, known 

to ‘his’ friends as ‘Mental Illness’, 

made the groundbreaking 

announcement on Tuesday after 

he couldn’t decide which gender 

to be – and so went for all of 

them. 

‘He’ said: “The best thing about 

identifying as all 3,782 genders 

is that no one can misgender me. 

Whichever pronoun they use it 

will be correct. Although I would 

appreciate it if people would use 

ALL the known pronouns when 

addressing me. 

“These are zie, zim, zir, zis, 

zapata, chapati, zieself, sie, sie, 

hir, hirs, hirself, hirsuit, ey, ey up, 

em, eir, pigs eir, dog eired, eirs, 

eirself, ve, ver, ver style council, 

ver jam, vis, vis annual, vers, 

treaty of vers ey, verself, tey, ter, 

teramisu, teranasaurus, tem, ters, 

terself, e, ee, ee bah gum, tim, 

tom, tiddly, plop, plop, ae, aer, 

aers, aerself, ce, cir, cirs, cirself, 

co, cos, cos, coself, fey, fer, fers, 

ferself, feys, feyself, feyr, fir, firs, 

firself, he, him, his, himself, jee, 

jem, jeir, jemself, jim jams, jamself, 

jhey, jhem, jheir ...” 

[We couldn’t be bothered to list 

all 3,782. Ed] 

The rising and falling of a group of 

woke white men’s how-do-you-do’s 

has been harnessed to provide 

electricity for a small village 

in the Midlands. 

Each person’s old pecker is 

strapped to a series of levers 

which are connected to a mill 

wheel. The men are then 

alternatively shown a picture of an 

ethnic minority, followed by a picture 

of a white, English person. The 

Robin Chuzzlewhacket 

Electricity created by woke old peckers 

immediate stiffening of the woke willies 

on seeing the ethnic minority, 

followed by the swift drooping 

on seeing the English person, 

moves the levers to get the 

wheel turning. 

Just 30 photographs are 

needed to produce 10,000 kWh 

of energy, which is enough to 

power the village. 

One participant said: “I don’t know 

how much longer I can keep this up.” 

IN BRIEF 

HATE CONTEST: A competition 

among woke white people to see 

who could hate themselves the 

most ended yesterday. Winner 

Josh Rees-Smog, from North 

London, impressed the judges 

after he set himself on fire and 

jumped into a giant mincer while 

apologising for the “sins of the 

British Empire”. Runner up was 

Morwenna Smythe-Balls who 

shot herself out of a cannon into 

an enclosure of 500 wildebeest 

who trampled her to death while 

she apologised for the oppression 

of native Americans during the 

colonisation of the continent. 

CIS MAN: The film studio that 

brought us movies about martial 

arts hero Ip Man has added a new 

anti-hero to its stable. Cis Man 

tells the story of a kung fu expert 

struggling to come to terms with 

his own toxic masculinity. 

Orphaned as a small child, and 

later eeking out a living as a 

penniless refuse collector in 

Shanghai, it is only after a 

spiritual awakening that he 

eventually recognises his male 

privilege. Rated PG. 

BIGGEST MASK: A Liverpool 

man broke all records yesterday 

when he wore a Covid mask that 

was five times wider than his 

head. Jeff Bedwetter, below, said 

it made him feel safe and anyone 

who criticised it “wanted grandma 

to die”. 




‘Shut your Goddamn mouths!’ 

People who criticise straight white men for saying that 

‘straight white men are under attack from the woke 

brigade’ tell straight white men to shut the f*ck up. 

Straight white men have been told to shut 

up because their opinions are worthless 

after they were heard moaning about how 

their opinions are now classed as worthless. 

A group of straight white men were heard 

speaking – out loud – about how they are 

now not allowed to speak out about gender 

issues or race issues or trans issues because 

they would be shouted down. 

Shouting them down, one critic told the 

group: “You straight white men standing 

IN BRIEF 

BOARDROOM EQUALITY: 

The UK took one step closer to full 

gender equality this week after a 

law was passed forcing all large 

companies to have a 50/50 men/ 

transwomen split on their boards. 

The new law was unanimously 

voted through by MPs keen to have 

equality in company boardrooms 

across the land. Dave ‘David’ 

Davison, managing director of the 

building industry giant Scaffolders 

UK, said: “Traditionally very few 

women go into the scaffolding 

trade, so this new law is perfect. 

We can just get some of the fellas 

to stick on a dress and identify 

as female, and Bob’s your aunt. 

Literally. Because, as you well 

know, Trans. Women. Are. Real. 

Women.” 

Sca olders Je Bunce and 

Terry Smith now identify as 

women on board-meeting days 

there, dripping in your own privilege, 

complaining about your lack of voice, BE 

QUIET! SHUT UP! YOUR OPINION IS 

WORTHLESS! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT 

TO SPEAK OUT ON ANY OF THESE 

ISSUES! BUTTON IT! ZIP IT! YOU 

HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE 

TALKING ABOUT. YOU ARE TO BE 

IGNORED. NO ONE IS LISTENING 

SO DO US A FAVOUR AND SHUT 

YOUR CAKE HOLES!” 

Organic compounds told to pay 

reparations for discrimination 

in dawn-of-time primordial soup 

‘Bullying’ chemicals have been told 

to pay up over their behaviour four 

billion years ago when life itself was 

being formed. 

The so-called primordial soup, 

which contained simple organic 

compounds formed by 

ultra-violet light acting on 

water, carbon dioxide 

and ammonia, was not 

a harmonious place, 

according to people 

a lot cleverer than us 

who know about this 

sort of thing. 

A vast variety of 

organic substances were 

produced at that time – 

however, the amino acids’ 

aggressive actions towards the 

primitive sugars have been a cause 

for concern for many years. 

One scientist said: “The 

behaviour of these amino acids is 

a stain on our history and has led 

directly to the kind of racism and 

A typical 

straight 

white man, 

but with 

no eyes 

discrimination we can see today. 

If the amino acids had been a little 

more inclusive at the dawn of time 

then maybe things would be better 

now. 

“They should pay up for the 

damage they caused back then, 

and also for the inequality 

we still experience today.” 

A spokesman for the 

amino acids said: “The 

son should not be 

punished for the sins 

of the father. It’s a 

principle we’ve always 

followed. Why 

A bowl of primordial soup 

should today’s 

with a parsley garnish 

amino acids be 

under fire for something that 

happened four billion years ago in a 

sea of prebiotic broth? 

“It was like the Wild West back 

in those days. Every molecule for 

himself. Kill or be killed. 

“Reparations, huh! Primordial 

Correctness gone mad, more like!” 


9

Fatima underwater 

Our reporter spent an afternoon in the deep blue 

with a team of divers o the Australian coast 

Goggles. Check. Snorkel. Check. Oxygen tank. 

Check. Full veil and assorted gubbins. Check. 

Listen, I may have been 200m below the 

ocean’s surface but that’s absolutely no excuse 

for a drop in dress standards. If I’d worn a 

wetsuit then my neck would have been showing, 

as well as the top of my head. And let’s be honest 

about this, I was down there with two men. And 

we all know how men react when they see the 

top of a woman’s head. They say, “Ooh look, 

there’s the top of a woman’s head.” The very 

definition of toxic masculinity. 

As far as the flora and fauna were concerned I 

didn’t really see much. I was too busy worrying 

that I was exposing too much flesh where my 

feet entered my flippers. The men didn’t seem 

to bother though. They were too busy collecting 

coral samples and taking photographs of fish. 

Typical men! 

Our reporter 

Fatima samples 

life in the deep 





‘We’re just playing nonsense’ 

Ethnic band admit they’re ‘singing any old crap’ just to 

please woke Westerners who think it’s ‘fnnntarrrstic’ 

A street band in Morocco that has 

been entertaining rich Westerners for 

many years revealed this week they 

have been singing “complete nonsense 

just to please middle-class grinning 

buffoons”. 

The two-man group, known as Led 

Bedouin, said they had now decided to 

retire so were happy to spill the beans 

over what they’ve been singing about 

all these years. 

Vocalist and drummer Amsu 

Chatuluka said: “We were performing 

in a street market in Rabat and had a 

bunch of rich, dewy-eyed smirkers 

around us so we decided to start coming 

out with bollocks. 

I started singing: “Habbah habbith 

haa yaa yee, hibboth, babbaeret, haa 

jorr jee”, which means, “Your noses 

are made of guacamole and you wear 

cheese underpants.’ I then followed it 

up with, ‘theerebarh charrduth ying 

tong thur’, which means, ‘Your odour is 

one of poo poos.’ 

“They all thought it was a traditional 

folk ballad and just kept mouthing the 

words ‘absolutely fnnntarrrstuck’.” 

Led Bedouin 

Stabbed man sends one final gif to his murderer 

YAWN 

A murder victim died a happy 

man last week after he managed 

to send a gif to the phone of his 

attacker “just to get the last 

word in”. 

The gif, which featured a 

cat yawning, was a particular 

favourite of Dave Smeeton, who 

loved to spend his days having 

arguments with people on social 

media – often ending in gifs 

being sent back and forth. 

Dave’s brother, Big Jeff, said, 

“When he was having a Twitter 

argument with someone he just 

had to get the last word in. Even 

if he was in the wrong he’d keep 

sending shit gifs of animals 

rolling their eyes, that sort of 

thing. It was what he was like. 

“In real life he’d got into an 

argument with someone about 

Covid or Brexit or something. 

The guy turned out to be a 

maniac who had a knife and it 

cost Dave his life. 

“But he was still clutching his 

phone during his final breaths 

and managed to send his killer a 

gif of a cat yawning. And by the 

time his killer saw it, Dave was 

dead. The ultimate last word!” 


11

TOONS: THE CRAZY MULLAHS 


12 


Paradise: The world will look 

like this if you pay more taxes 

Government greed 

is key to tackling 

climate change 

Paying governments lots more money 

in green taxes stops the temperature of 

the Earth increasing, according to a new 

study. 

Research by scientists at The Biden 

Institute, Washington, said they had been 

“following the science” and discovered 

that if every US citizen paid another 

$1,000 dollars a year in green taxes, then 

global warming would be put on hold for 

about a month. 

Department head B.O. Risjohn-Son 

said: “The science is clear on this. Listen 

to the science, follow the science, the 

science, the science, the science. And 

give the government a shit load more 

money. It’s the only way to save the 

planet. The only way.” 

The Niggle Corporation embraces 

green issues when we can make a quick 

buck – er, I mean when we can help 

build back better for a more sustainable 

world. For this reason I am excited to 

unveil our new clothing range. Now, 

give me a well cut overcoat and a 

decent suit from (Jimmy) Savile Row 

any day – but I do not expect the youth 

of today to share my tastes. 

This is why I have invested millions 

in the next big thing: cardboard clothes. 

Unwieldy yes, somewhat chafesome 

around the crotch yes, but when you 

wear cardboard trousers and cardboard 

underpants, a brown paper shirt and a 

compressed recycled toilet paper jacket 

(even though it is a bit wiffy) you are 

doing your bit to save the world! 

Where’s the cardboard coming from, 

you cry. It’s recycled of course. 

Bunty Funty-Farqunt (pronounced 

‘c***’) was up in arms when I 

turned up at Squiffy Babcock’s 

90th with my cardboard suit on 

(plus cardboard loafers); said I’d 

let the side down but he was 

just professionally jealous: 

his nephew – a man-bun, 

conchie woofter type – is 


Brace yersens, Sir Norbert’s gone green 

Clothes, homes and Sunday 

roasts all made of cardboard 

trying to start a clothing range made 

from recycled sewage. I said to Bunty, 

I said: pants that come pre-skidmarked 

eh? But he didn’t like that. 

I beamed at him. “The hippies love it! 

And why stop at clothes? I see recycled 

cardboard as the wonder substance of 

the future: cardboard houses, cardboard 

blow-up dolls, cardboard roast dinners, 

cardboard heroin, cardboard sharks, 

cardboard missiles, cardboard warships 

and cardboard hospitals, cardboard 

humans and, drum roll, cardboard 

cardboard. Think how cheap everything 

will be! Think how green!” 

Bunty said: “What happens when it 

all blows away or the Chinese invade?” 

There’s a clever one from Bunty. I 

didn’t miss a beat though: “We cannot 

accept responsibility for any errors in 

usage of recycled cardboard. We cannot 

guarantee longevity in products 

which are designed to help save the 

world and make irritating 

middle-class arseholes, in places 

like Godalming, feel smug.” 

Write to Niggle Corporation, 

Bahamas Off Shore Ltd, 

4-16, Tax Avoidance 

House, Freeport, Nassau. 

Inclusion drive sees Mountain 

Rescue unit recruit old ladies 

The Mountain Rescue Service has employed 

a team of octogenarian old ladies with brittle 

bone disease to fulfil an anti-ageism inclusion 

policy. 

Doris Fisher, 87, and Ada Otheringshaw, 

89, have already been deployed to the 

Himalayas to bolster a search and rescue 

effort to find a climber who fell down a 

300m crevasse and broke his pelvis. 

Although Ada can only walk with the 

assistance of a walking frame she said she 

couldn’t wait to “get stuck in”. 

Doris and Ada 


13


IN BRIEF 

‘One Fuhrer better than 

a bunch of little Hitlers’ 

Adolf’s return would be slightly more 

bearable than Covid Tyrant World 

There have been calls for the return of 

Adolf Hitler by tired populations across the 

World currently coping with thousands of 

‘little Hitlers’ every single day. 

The ‘little Hitlers’ have spent the past 

year snitching on their neighbours for 

having a barbecue, telling people to pull 

their masks up over their noses, 

bawling at those getting within 

their 2 metre safe zone, and 

shouting, “DO YOU WANT 

GRANDMA TO DIE!!!!” at 

regular intervals. 

One London resident, who 

did not want to be named, but 

we can tell you that his name is 

Frederick Smith of 378 Acacia Road, 

Chiswick, said: “Bring back the fella who 

looks like Charlie Chaplin with the funny 

moustache, that’s what I say. At least we’d 

know where he was and we could avoid 

him. 

“You’d know, for instance, that you 

wouldn’t bump into him in the supermarket 

shouting, ‘HANDS, FACE, SPACE!!!’ at 

you over and over again. 

14 

“OK the Fuhrer had his faults but come 

on. Surely life under his tyrannical rule 

couldn’t be much worse than putting up 

with these goons?” 

Another resident who did want to be 

named, so we’re not going to name her, 

said: “People always concentrate on the 

bad things that Hitler did. But he was 

very kind to his mum and he was 

always very well turned out. 

Uniform, waxed moustache 

and all that. 

“If I had to choose between 

him and all these mini Hitlers 

trying to control my life I’d 

choose the evil dictator every 

time. 

“He made the trains run on time – but 

didn’t insist that everyone wore a mask and 

sat in a double seat by themselves.” 

A spokesman for the Bringing Hitler 

Back From The Dead society said: “We’re 

a bunch of racists who have been trying to 

bring Hitler back for different reasons. But 

it’s great to have some fresh support from 

non-racists as well. Every little helps!” 

BOMB IRE: Terrorist bombers 

say they are tired of working from 

home during Covid lockdowns 

and can’t wait to get back to 

the office. Head of the bombing 

and commercial terrorism union 

Save Our Jihadis, Ali bin bin Ali 

bin Mohammed, said: “Blowing 

things up in our own homes is no 

fun, to be perfectly honest. We 

need to be out there, around other 

people. I can obviously see there 

are advantages to working from 

home – no time wasted on a long 

commute, etc – but I think we 

need to get back to the old normal 

of blowing people up far away 

from our own homes.” 

WOKE TRAIN: A fairground 

ghost train aimed at white woke 

people has opened in London. The 

so-called Woke Train sees a series 

of carriages wind its way down 

a track past exhibits designed to 

scare middle-class progressives. 

These include moving/talking 

models of black people reciting 

conservative views and also of 

intelligent women destroying the 

idea of a “tyrannical patriarchy”. 

One punter said she was “very 

shaken” by the experience and 

would be doing her best to ignore 

what she had seen. 

RACIST NORM: People who 

have been branded “Nazis” 

across the world are now a 

sizeable majority, according to 

new research. A scientific study 

at LA’s Everyone’s A Racist 

Institute showed that 6.5 billion 

people were now “racist” from a 

world population of 7.9 billion. 

A spokesman said: “Now that the 

majority of people are ‘Nazis’ 

then I suppose the next logical 

step is to round up the non Nazis 

and lock them up. There is no 

place for dissenters in a modern 

society.” 







6am. Breakfast 

Morning yawnfest with a team of buffoons far 

too chirpy for 6am in the morning. Today’s 

special guest is probably someone you’ve 

never heard of. 

9.15. Homes Under The Hammer 

(lesbian special) 

Martin Roberts, Martel Maxwell and Dion 

Dublin look at properties which have been sold 

at auction to lesbian couples. 

10.00. The Sheriffs Are Coming 

The programme follows tough-as-nails 

enforcement agents up and down the country 

as they collect unpaid debts. In Doncaster the 

sheriffs’ car breaks down on the way to a job 

and they both start crying. 

11.00. The Moment of Proof 

True-crime documentary series telling the 

stories of police investigations which could 

have been solved a hell of a lot quicker if fewer 

straight white men were on the team. 


Activists posing as journalists tell viewers how 

they should be thinking. 



ignores a million people marching in London 

against authoritarian restrictions and, instead, 

leads with a news story on Ed Sheeran. 

3.00. Garden Rescue 

Charlie Dimmock and the team come up with 

plans for a Victorian cottaging garden for a 

retired gay couple fed up of hanging around 

Clapham Common. 


Restoration experts take a stab at restoring a 

face mask – worn every day since March 2020 

– which suffered a tiny rip recently causing 

immense suffering to the Covid fanatic owner. 

6.30. Eating With My Ex (triple bill) 

This show reunites ex-couples to ask some 

awkward questions. Some want closure, some 

want an apology, others want to place their ex’s 

head in a vice and force them to watch a Nish 

Kumar standup routine. Harsh! 

10.30. Britain’s Next Make Up Star 

The contestants aim to create a stunning new 

look for a celebrity woman. This week it’s the 

woman Eddie Izzard in the make-up chair. 

8am. Politics Live 

A special report looking at how all the main 

parties in the UK Parliament became woke 

authoritarian globalists. Presented by Bradley 

Walsh. 

9.00. Olivia Twist 

Dramatisation of the classic Dickens novel but 

with an all female cast. Starring Maxine Peake 

in the lead role, Emma Thompson as Fagin, 

and RuPaul as Nancy. 

11.00. Great British Menu 

The chefs try to put a unique twist on our most 

popular British dish Chicken Tikka Masala – a 

fact which they’ll never stop banging on about 

ever. 

1.00. Villages, Farms and Countryside 

Writer and gardener Chippy Minton travels to 

a Yorkshire village and creates some crucial 

habitats for bees, butterflies and pollinating 

insects, but local farmer Jeff Todd has other 

ideas and concretes over the whole lot 

because he doesn’t like bees. 

3.00. Eggheads 

Quiz presented by Jeremy Vine. This week 

Jeremy uses a spoon to crack open the heads 

of the quizzers and eats the yoke. 

5.00. Nigella 

Nigella Lawson presents a special diet edition 

and knocks up a dessert composed entirely 

of steam. 

A delicious pot of steam 

10.00. Newsnight 

Analysis of the day’s events that no one 

watches any more. You know, the programme 

that used to be hosted by Conk Paxman. 

6am. Today 

You must be joking. 

9.00. Start the Week 

I’d rather not. 


After being trapped up their own woke rectums 

for almost a year, the presenters finally make 

it out after an extensive rescue effort by the 

same team that rescued those Chilean miners 

a few years back. This week the programme 

asks: Why are most rescue teams pale, male 

and stale? 

11.00. Steptoe and Son 

Finally, something decent to listen to. Classic 

comedy that contains a warning at the start 

that the programme may contain humour. 

12.00. What’s The Point? 

This week the team asks: ‘What’s the point in 

asking about the point every week?’ 

1.00. Female Table 

Sue Perkins hosts the panel show featuring all 

women – as a kind of revenge for male panels 

in the past. 


Jeff works as a builder and decides to open up 

to his colleagues that he now identifies as a 

woman. They tell him to stick the kettle on and 

make them a cup of tea. 


Cases surge to four – putting more pressure 

on the government for another full lockdown. 

6.00. News 

Nah. 

7.00. The Archers 

The situation becomes overwhelming for 

Jennifer as Harrison finally makes plans to buy 

a pair of wooden trousers. Emily is concerned 

they’re not from a sustainable source. 

7.30. Front Row 

A smug round up from the worlds of art, 

literature, film and music. Diverse in 

personage but not in opinion. 

10.00. The World Tonight 

It’s fucked. Absolutely fucked. 

11.00. Shutdown 

You’ve seriously made it this far? Wow. 


15

TIRED 


16 

Tired, a poem by Ed 

I’m tired 

Tired of frauds, tired of hypocrites 

Tired of those who cheer pro-Palestine marches but 

criticise anti-lockdown marches for ‘spreading Covid’ 

Tired of being called ‘selfish’ when I’m fighting 

for EVERYONE’S freedoms 

Tired of people shouting ‘f*ck the Tories’ who are happy 

to follow ALL the government’s made-up rules 

Tired of folk saying, ‘Listen to the science’ when they 

really mean ‘Listen to the mainstream media’ 

Tired of that shitshow in Parliament that has 

left me politically homeless 

Tired of ‘left wingers’ pretending they like working-class people 

Tired of virtue signallers trumpeting diversity but making sure 

they live nowhere near any ethnic minorities 

Tired of those pushing for more green taxes as they fly o 

twice a year to Marrakesh – as I go to work on my bike 

Tired of people calling themselves ‘anti fascist’ as they 

cause division and push race relations back 30 years 

Tired of masks, tired of little Hitlers 

Tired of London, tired of strife 

I’m just tired. But I’m drinking gin and laughing with my 

good lady wife. So things ain’t too bad, eh? 


IN BRIEF 


KILLING GRANDMA: A man 

holding a gun to his grandma’s 

head has accused a woman who 

forgot to put her Covid mask on 

of “wanting grandma to die!” 

Talking later about her experience 

the woman said: “I walked into my 

local food store and had forgotten 

to put my mask on. Then I saw this 

maniac who, for some reason, had 

taken his grandmother hostage and 

was brandishing a gun. He saw I 

was maskless and started shouting: 

“Put your mask on, do you want 

grandma to die! Do you want 

grandma to die! You’re selfish, 

selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish!” 

Some people eh? 

COVID LOVE: A brothel has 

opened in Wisconsin, USA, for 

people who want to have sex with 

Covid-19. Specifically targeted 

at Covid lovers the premises 

intend to remain open long after 

the pandemic is over so that the 

fanatics can still get turned on over 

the virus. Owner Chip Pendleberry 

said: “We’ve dressed Covid-19 up 

in a few different garments: sexy 

lingerie, fetish wear, even cosplay. 

And for those who don’t want 

intimate contact, we’ve also got 

the virus dancing provocatively 

behind glass. It should appeal to 

99% of Covid lovers everywhere. 

There’s something for all tastes.” 

‘What do we want? 

Another lockdown!’ 

Covid fanatics take to the streets in 

protective gear wanting more rules 

Protesters in full Hazmat suits and sealed 

helmets have taken to the streets to call for 

another full lockdown. 

Despite the number of UK Covid deaths 

hitting zero recently, the campaigners said 

it was important not to get complacent and 

indicated that another full lockdown was 

the only sensible way forward. 

One protester said: “So, yes, we flattened 

the curve but I’m not sure it looks flattened 

enough. If we could only flatten it a bit 

more. 

“All we are asking is that the government 

forces people to stay indoors for another 17 

weeks.” 

Another said: “Yes we’ve now got zero 

deaths from Covid but another lockdown 

could push that zero to a minus figure. 

Imagine that! Having, say, minus seven 

deaths from Covid. It would be a fantastic 

achievement.” 

The group was heard chanting: “What do 

we want? More lockdowns! When do we 

want them? After my furlough cheque!” 

Covid dances provocatively 

behind a glass screen 

VIBRANCY SALE: We’ve got 

three bags of diversity, two bags 

of inclusivity and a dozen packets 

of vibrancy if anyone out there 

is interested. Buyer must collect. 

Serious offers only please. 

MUSIC NEWS FROM THE FUTURE: 

21 Years to Flatten the Curve is a hit 

A man who claims he can see into the 

future has said that the big hit of 2041 

will be a folk song about Covid. 

Harvey Tommyrot, who is known in 

his local area as the Oracle of Penge, 

said the song 21 Years to Flatten the 

Curve celebrates the ongoing Covid 

restrictions which many people are 

still seemingly quite happy with. 

Mr Tommyrot said: “It’s a lovely 

little ditty celebrating all that is great 

about never-ending Covid restrictions. 

It goes something like this: 

“21 years, to flatten the curve, 

Hurrah Hancock and the Tories, 

21 years, to flatten the curve, 

Hurrah Hancock and the Tories.” 

Asked why the Tories were still in 

power in 2041, he said: “Christ, you 

should see the other lot!” 


17

MUMBO JUMBO 

If you’ve got two sides that can’t agree, 

and each side thinks the other side is 

insane, then the only way forward is gin 



Images taken from one of 

those free images websites. 

You know the ones. 

Our readers 

are nothing if 

not balanced. 

Here are just a 

few of them. 



niggle 

VERB 



o ended by 


magazine then 



us on Twitter 


and stop 

showing 

off!

THE NIGGLE 

MAGAZINE 

Your 

pronouns 

please 

little 

fella 

She, 

her 


Issue 10 this way


ISSUE 10 Autumn 2021 FREE @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 


The mag that can’t wait 

for a really good war 

INSIDE: 

THE VIRTUE 

SIGNALLERS 

JEREMY SMEE 

SMUG REMAIN FACE

THE NIGGLE 








(Look how diverse we are! Look 

how diverse we are!). It is put 














more gubbins. 

And you can donate to our 

‘funny for the hell of it’ cause 

at www.nigglemagazine.com/ 

support. 



‘Oh no, no. No, oh no. 

That’s not right. no.’ 

‘Is this your idea of satire? 

Absolutely pathetic. 

When does your next issue 

come out?’ 

[December. Ed.] 

Fighting it all with humour 

Welcome once again to the magazine for 

free thinkers, libertarians and people who 

find jokes funny and just treat them as 

that – jokes. It’s a tough time for us all 

at the moment as we watch governments 

across the World – cheered on by some 

of the population – become more and 

more authoritarian, and also more woke. 

Which, for all its good intentions, in 

reality just divides us all. Because, well, 

that’s humanity. 

There are many ways to fight the 

coming shitshow, such as boycotting 

businesses and institutions that support 

all this (take your money elsewhere); 

listening to, and supporting, libertarian 

podcasts and alternative media (check 

out the Rubin Report or the No Agenda 

show podcasts, for instance); and also 

finding other people or friends who think 

the same way as you do and helping each 

other out. 

Another way to fight is through humour 

and ridicule. The wokesters hate being 

mocked. That’s what we’ve been doing 

for the past two years and we hope you’ll 

enjoy, this, our 10th edition. 

And to celebrate hitting double figures 

we’ve got a new cartoon strip: The Virtue 

Signallers, set during The Blitz, as well 

as another adventure for Jeremy Smee, 

that fella who’s always down on his knee 

(loves it!), and, of course, Smug Remain 

Face. We couldn’t leave his smug ‘boat 

race’ out of the mag. Enjoy! 

Ed. 

WORLD OF WOKE 


Our magazine is free, but it can only 

continue with the financial support 

of readers. So, if you would like to 

donate a bit to our funny-for-the-hellof-it 

cause, then click below. Even 

donating the price of a cup of coffee 

will buy us a cup of coffee. And our 

elderly proprietor, Sir Norbert, 

pictured, would be most grateful. 

CLICK 

HERE TO 

DONATE 

Hiya! 

‘I wish you’d stop punching 

up and start punching 

down for a change.’ 

‘OK, give me 381 tangible 

benefits of Brexit. You 

can’t, can you?’ 

Stop 

showing 

off

TOONS: JEREMY SMEE - HE’S TAKING THE KNEE 



3


IN BRIEF 

MAD MASK TWO: A man was 

spotted wearing two Covid masks 

earlier this week in an isolation 

floatation tank. When asked why 

he was masking up to enter an 

environment where no other 

human beings could possibly be, 

he said: “Science”. 

Drag queen firefighters 

an asset to the service 

Fire chiefs herald ‘fellas in dresses’ 

joining team, despite some criticism 

A pair of drag queens have said they’re 

looking forward to tackling blazes and 

rescuing trapped residents after they joined 

a North London fire crew, following an 

inclusion drive. 

Trixie Bunn and Faye Luscious joined 

Rainbow Watch in Islington last week, 

working as full members of the team 

carrying out normal fire crew 

duties. 

The pair were spotted a year 

ago at a Drag Queen Story 

Hour after firefighters also 

visited the same school to talk 

to children about fire safety. 

The appointment has drawn 

criticism from some members of 

the public who said they felt that the drag 

queens had no place in a professional fire 

crew. Concerns included the potential for 

dresses, gowns and feather boas to get 

caught in ladders and broken windows; and 

the two queens’ penchant for high-heeled 

shoes – which some critics branded “totally 

inappropriate footwear for rescuing people 

from high-storey tower blocks.” 

Replying to the criticism, Trixie Bunn 

said: “They’re bigots. We’ve worked as 

hard as anyone to pass the rigorous training 

that firefighters have to go through. 

“OK, I’ll admit that when the alarm goes 

off we spend a little more time than 

the others getting ready: we have 

to choose the right foundation, 

mascara, lip gloss, and suchlike, 

as well as our outfits for 

that particular job. 

“And resisting the temptation 

to dance suggestively after 

sliding down the firemen’s pole is 

tough, but otherwise we are 

absolutely the same as the other members 

of the crew.” 

Commander of Rainbow Watch Jeff 

Jeffson said he was looking forward to 

working alongside Faye and Trixie. 

He said: “I’m looking forward to working 

alongside Faye and Trixie.” 

MORE SCIENCE: An increase 

in the use of solar panels could 

see a drain on the Sun’s energy 

supply and could eventually lead 

to the sun running out, according 

to scientists. One said: “People 

think they’re saving the planet 

by using solar energy but what 

they’re actually doing is contributing 

to making the Sun run out. 

And when it finally runs out, what 

then? I’ll tell you ‘what then’. It’ll 

be dark and cold and people will 

have to do things such as burn 

large piles of stinky old car tyres 

to keep warm. So think on!” 

‘SEXIST’ SHOW: A magician’s 

show was branded “sexist” this 

week after critics complained 

about the treatment of female 

assistants in his act. Illusionist 

Paul Daniels [not the dead one, 

and no relation] was blasted on 

social media after film footage 

was posted from one of his shows. 

The clips showed him sawing a 

woman in half but not bothering 

to put her back together; and also 

causing a woman to levitate, but 

then to float over towards a pile of 

dirty dishes at a kitchen sink. Other 

tricks included the disappearing 

bikini, and a theatrical routine 

called, ‘Get that ironing done!’ 

Mr Daniels said he couldn’t see 

anything wrong with his act and 

urged all female critics to come 

and see the show and make up 

their own minds; and to also make 

him a cup of tea afterwards. 

Halved and just left there. An 

artist’s impression of the act 

4 





5

Man About the House 

of Two Asian Lesbians 

Remake of classic sitcom that nobody 

watches is branded ‘big hit’ by TV chiefs 

The two Asian lesbians 

find a man on their 

sofa. Hilarity ensues 

A remake of the British sitcom Man About 

the House (or Three’s Company in the US) 

has been heralded “a success” despite the 

fact no one wants to watch it. 

Man About the House of Two Asian 

Lesbians aired on British television last 

night, but viewing figures were said by 

one source to be “the worst ever; in fact 

absolute toilet”. 

Despite the numbers being at an all time 

low for a prime-time sitcom (3), television 

bosses were still insisting it was a success 

because it “reflects our diverse society of 

reflecting diversity and a diverse reflection 

of a diverse society reflection”. 

The show features ladies man Robin 

Hipp, who lives with Asian lesbians Fatima 

and Aisha in a North London flat. 

Terror bombing is a ‘microaggression’ 

It was good news for jihadi maniacs 

this week after governments across 

the World downgraded terror 

bombings from “murderous, 

evil atrocities” to merely 

“microaggressions”. 

Islamist militants reacted 

with delight at the news, which, 

in practice, will mean that blowing 

up innocent people will not result in 

jail time – instead, the bombers are 

likely to be looked down on by some of 

the more sensitive members of society 

for not being progressive enough. 

Punishment could see them 

sitting a course in Critical 

Race Theory or taking classes 

to examine how language 

tone and making assumptions 

based on someone’s gender or 

sexual preference – especially 

when they are carrying out their 

bombings – could be extremely hurtful 

to some. 

IN BRIEF 

BEDWETTER OILS: A new 

range of aromatherapy scents has 

been released aimed at calming 

down people who want lockdowns 

to go on forever and are scared 

of being less than two metres 

away from fit, healthy people who 

haven’t got Covid. The collection 

of oils, which has the name Stench 

of Bedwetter, will go on sale 

tomorrow via mail order. 

FAR RIGHT: A spate of antiracist 

graffiti smothered across 

buildings spanning the whole 

of London has been blamed 

on “the far right”. Much of the 

spray-painted vandalism consists 

of slogans such as: “Racists out!”, 

“We don’t want racists in our 

city!” and “The only good racist 

is a dead racist!” A spokesman for 

the London Mayor said: “These 

slogans have all the hallmarks of 

the far right. The style of brush 

stroke, the paint used, etc. London 

is a very diverse city and there is 

no place for far-right lunatics. If 

someone out there knows which 

right-wingers are writing these 

slogans then we urge you to get in 

touch.” 

STILL RUBBISH: Wokesters in 

the USA are blaming old episodes 

of South Park and reruns of The 

Benny Hill Show for the fact the 

country is still in a right old state 

now that Donald Trump is no 

longer in office. One said: “Some 

of the language used by Cartman 

and his friends is clearly dragging 

the country into the doldrums. I 

can think of no other reason. And 

the same with Benny Hill. They 

really should stop running repeats 

of this old show as it’s having a 

detrimental effect on society.” 

Just a thought ... 

When you occasionally 

read a horrible news story 

about someone who’s 

been convicted of having 

sex with an animal, is it 

strange to think, ‘I wonder 

if they’re still together?’ 


TOONS: THE VIRTUE SIGNALLERS 



7



This lady is clearly not happy 

with her current situation 

Red pill, get me out of here 

Most people would rather be aware they’re floating in a 

vat of liquid - Matrix-style - than ‘this current shitshow’ 

Mmm 

Matrix 

Ninety per cent of the World’s 

population have said they would 

rather know they are actually 

floating around aimlessly in a 

liquid-filled pod as part of a giant 

battery – “just like in The Matrix” 

– than carry on with this crap. 

A spokesman for 90 per cent 

of the World’s population said: 

“We want the red pill and we want 

it now. Spending the rest of our 

lives aware that we are actually 

semi-buoyant in a tank of saline 

what-have-you, connected to 

a giant powerplant serving 

intelligent machines, actually 

sounds extremely agreeable 

compared with a world drenched 

in lockdowns, masks, vaccines, 

social distancing, vaccine passports, 

inevitable recessions, critical 

race theory, identity politics, wokeinfested 

institutions, cancel culture, 

unfunny comedy shows, increased 

taxes, TikTok dancing nurses, 

Extinction Rebellion lunatics 

shouting ‘the world’s going to end 

in eight years, the world’s going 

to end in eight years!’, a one-party 

woke state, that Krankie running 

Scotland, Twitter arguments, 

censoring-by-omission media 

news outlets, BBC Question Time, 

protesters pulling statues over, 

kneeling policemen, kneeling footballers, 

nice Antifa folk smashing 

up people’s businesses, lunatics 

running governments everywhere . 

. . and Piers Morgan. 

The remaining 10 per cent of 

the World’s population said they 

“didn’t mind really”. 


THE REAL PAGE 




journalist Jennifer Ali-Khan to America’s 

‘respected’ dictionary Merriam-Webster 



To: Merriam-Webster Dictionary 

Attn: Merriam Webster definitions team. 

As you were quick to change the 

definitions of ‘sexual preference’, 

‘anti-vaxxer’ and ‘racism’ recently, 

I would like to point out another 

definition that has become outdated 

and you may wish to change it. 

Your current defi nition of a ‘woke’ 

person is: Someone who is ‘aware of 

and actively attentive to important facts 

and issues (especially issues of racial 

and social justice).’ 

However, the new/correct definition 

of a ‘woke’ person is: ‘A nauseous, 

faux-sanctimonious humour vacuum to 

be avoided at parties.’ 

Could you let me know when you are 

able to change it? 


Freelance journalist. 




I think your defi nition of ‘climate 

change’ is wrong. At the moment it 

says: ‘Significant and long-lasting 

change in the Earth’s climate and 

weather patterns.’ 

Surely what it should be is: ‘An 

increase in the temperature of the 

Earth over time that can be halted by 

recycling three more cans and jars per 

week, and by paying politicians lots 

more money in green taxes.’ 

Toodle pip! 





Hello. Just to let you know that one of 

your defi nitions is incorrect. 

Currently, for ‘Goth’, you have: ‘A 

person who wears mostly black 

clothing, uses dark dramatic makeup, 

and often has dyed black hair.’ 

Surely the correct defi nition should be: 

‘Dead people in orthopaedic shoes.’ 

Happy to help. 

Jennifer. 




Hi there, hi, hello. 

I’m just writing to 

say that I think 

your defi nition 

of ‘policeman’ 

needs to be 

expanded. At 

the moment it 

states: ‘A member 

of a police force’. 

I think it needs changing to: ‘Someone 

who struggles to fi nd time fi ghting 

crime among a busy schedule of Gay 

Pride parades and kneeling to BLM 

protesters. And, when they do fi nd 

time, their jobs entail raiding people’s 

houses to confi scate their Dick Emery 

DVDs.’ 

Could you let me know when you are 


Many thanks 

Jennifer 




Helloee! 

I’d like to query one of your defi nitions. 

Under ‘Face mask’ you have: ‘A 

covering for the mouth and nose that is 

worn especially to reduce the spread of 

infectious agents (such as viruses 

or bacteria).’ 

I’d like to suggest that the correct 

definition should be: ‘Cult diaper’. 

Many thanks. 

Jennifer. 




Hello there, hi. 

I think one of your definitions needs 

expanding. 

Under ‘nurse’ you have, ‘A person who 

cares for the sick or infirm.’ 

Surely it should read: ‘A person who 

cares for the sick or infirm while 

devising an elaborate dance routine 

for TikTok.’ 

Could you let me know when you’re 


Many thanks. 

Jennifer. 

Jennifer had received no 

reply from Merriam-Webster 

as we went to press. 


9

Fatima undercover 

Our reporter spent a week working as a stripper 

in New York club Bing Tiddle Tiddle Poop Poop 

My week at Bing Tiddle Tiddle Poop 

Poop began with just hanging out 

with the other girls and getting 

comfortable with the environment. 

Learning to dance provocatively 

around a shiny pole is something 

I took to like a duck to water. The 

subsequent stripping was a little 

alien to me but I soon got the hang 

of it, and, by the time of my first 

striptease, I was on fire. 

Of course the audience didn’t 

like the fact that I was passing my 

knickers, stockings and bra out 

through the slot in my face veil, and 

I was greeted with lots of boos and 

jeers from the punters – many of 

whom complained to the management 

that they’d paid good money 

but couldn’t see any titties. But 

they couldn’t sack me because that 

would be racist. Toodle pip! 

Pole position: 

Our reporter 

Fatima. Her face 

is pixellated to 

disguise her 

identity. 





Abortion: The third way 

‘Look at both parents-to-be and then decide’ 

A controversial new abortion law has 

angered people on both sides of the 

debate, whether pro-life or pro-choice. 

The new rules, set to come into force 

across some US states next week, says 

that abortion should be allowed, but 

only after looking at both parents-to-be 

and calculating that there’s a reasonable 

chance that the child could grow up to 

be a complete cunt. 

Debate over what constitutes a 

“reasonable chance” has spread across 

social media with many on the right 

saying, “Democrat parents” and many 

on the left saying, “Republicans”. 

But the statute guidelines state that 

people should look out for things such 

as whether the parents wear novelty 

socks; or if the proposed name of the 

child contains a symbol, eg, Na–a 

[pronounced Nadasha]; saying the 

word ‘like’ every three words; talking 

in upspeak [like everything’s a 

question?]; pronouns in Twitter bios; 

regularly using a child’s scooter 

despite being an adult; Che Guevara 

posters; and banging on about diversity 

but making sure they live nowhere 

near any ethnic minorities. 

After looking at the guidelines, one 

commentator said: “Seems reasonable.” 

Our Bring Back Slavery campaign is not going well 

Empty shackle: 

It seems no one 

wants to be a 

slave any more 

Parental red flags: Novelty socks; 

Che Guevara posters; and using a 

child’s scooter when you’re an adult 

We’re sad to announce that our 

Bring Back Slavery campaign, 

which has been running for 

almost a year now, has hit a 

major roadblock: A complete 

lack of interest from members 

of the public. 

When we started the campaign 

11 months ago we knew it was 

going to be a bit of an uphill 

struggle, but, to be honest, we 

weren’t quite prepared for the 

backlash on social media to our 

proposals. 

Much abuse came our way, 

even after we listed a whole 

host of advantages to having 

our towns and cities filled with 

slaves. One major advantage is a 

never-ending supply of free 

labour – with minimal costs 

involved (shackles, soup and a 

roof) – thus giving slave owners 

a lot more spare time to pursue 

leisure activities. 

Another plus point would be 

that slavery falls outside the 

remit of health & safety laws – so 

there’s only a minimal amount of 

tiresome red tape to deal with. 

As we went to press, no one 

had volunteered to be a slave. 


11

’EEE’S WORSE THAN ’ITLER ’EEE IS 

Six reasons 

why Trump 

is literally 

Adolf Hitler 


We all know that former US president Donald Trump is 

literally Hitler. That’s a given. But how many of us know 

the reasons why? Well, here are a few pointers: 

1. On November 10, 1938, 

Donald Trump ordered 

the desecration of Jewish 

places of worship and the 

burning of Jewish shops. It 

was an infamous night now 

known as KristallTrump. 

More than 7,000 Jewish 

businesses were damaged 

or destroyed and 30,000 

Jewish men were arrested 

and incarcerated. Many 

Jews lost their lives. 

2. On September 1, 1939, 

Donald Trump ordered 

German tanks to roll into 

Poland – called Operation 

Orange Man – thus plunging 

the whole of Europe into a 

long, bloody war. 

3. Donald Trump cordoned 

o areas in certain parts 

of big cities and forced the 

Jews to reside there. These 

‘Orange ghettos’ could hold 

about 10,000 people but 

Trump shoved half a million 

people in there. 

4. Donald Trump ordered 

German bombing missions 

over London and other UK 

Donald Trump’s house, 1939 

cities during 1940 and 1941 

– a campaign known as The 

Blitz. It began with raids 

on London towards the end 

of the Battle of Britain in 

1940 (a battle for daylight 

air superiority between the 

Trumpwa e and the Royal 

Air Force 

5. Donald Trump ordered 

the setting up of more than 

1,000 concentration camps 

during the Nazi regime. 

The camps – including 

AuschTrumptz, Trumpenwald, 

Trumpen-Belsen and 

Trumpau – were liberated 

by Allied forces towards the 

end of the war. 

6. Trump masterminded 

‘The Final Solution’ – the 

deliberate, planned mass 

murder of European Jews – 

The Donaldcaust (between 

1941 and 1945). 

12 


Pale, male and 

stale: An alien 

Look for racism 

on other planets 

The US government has said it will 

pump billions of dollars over the next 10 

years searching other worlds for signs of 

racism. 

A spokesman said: “Now that we’ve 

branded everything on Earth ‘racist’, it’s 

really important that we look for life on 

other planets so that we can brand that 

‘racist’ as well. 

“It’s a sad, sad time at the moment that 

we’ve run out of things to call ‘racist’. If 

we could only find signs of life in other 

parts of our galaxy – and, even better, 

some evidence that these alien societies 

are not inclusive enough – then we can 

start making their lives a living hell, just 

like we’ve done on Earth. 

“Imagine, for instance, if we found 

little green men on Mars, but no 

disabled brown women? Horrendous.” 

Bunty Fumilow-Chumilough rushed 

into the club a few days ago and yelled: 

‘Now they’re changing the name of the 

bloody Royal Navy!’ 

Total uproar caused, drinks trolley 

went over, Old Biles the tea boy pooped 

himself [he’s got a bum condition, you 

know. Someone said he was an active 

bummer in his youth and what happens 

with bummers is they bum so bloody 

much that their bums go wrong. For 

example when Biles farts he gets a sort 

of squelch that sounds like the trumpet 

melody from Coronation Street but 

slowed right down; bum worn out, you 

see.], and some old sea lord choked on 

a bit of beef Wellington. I put me back 

out giving him the Heimlich manoeuvre 

and when the morsel of beef welly shot 

out it landed on Bunty’s upper lip and 

made him look like Adolf Hitler. 

Anyway, Bunty had it all wrong of 

course. It’s not the Navy that’s getting 

a name change but British Sea Power, 

some pop group chappies. They’ve 

dropped ‘British’ from their name. 

It’s all a lot of woke guff. As I 

understand it, when they started 

the band, the title was meant 

as ironic. Nowadays people 

can not only not take a 

joke, they can’t recognise 

one either, even if 


Brace yersens for Sir Norbert’s bit 

It’s British woke power 

it comes towards them in a clown suit 

screaming ‘this is a joke’. 

So that’s it for British Sea Power. I 

was just saying what a pathetic bunch 

of middle-class PC creeps, typical 

toggle-coat-wearing nose-pickers, when 

my financial adviser came in and told 

me that I’ve got some money in the 

record company that owns the company 

that owns the company that owns them. 

He said it was clever of them to future 

proof the band for the ongoing cultural 

revolution, when anything that smacks 

of imperialism will be unacceptable to 

the ruling diktats of soft communism. 

I had a look at the figures and said, 

Jolly well right! Good on Sea Power. 

Sensible young chappies with an eye to 

market forces: they won’t sell too many 

records to man-bun types in Brighton 

with British in their name! Everyone 

in the club got cross, and even crosser 

when I suggested the band should rename 

themselves Pakistani Sea Power 

to make them even more playable 

on the BBC. Old Bunty physically 

attacked me and then Biles had to 

separate us – poor sod was walking 

extremely carefully as well 

(he’d just put a pessary up 

his bum. He’s got a bum 

condition, you know. His 

bum’s gone wrong). 

Terrorists get a bombing wall 

Terror bombers have been given a special 

area where they are allowed by law to set off 

bombs or blow themselves up. 

The so-called Bombing Wall follows the 

same principle as a ‘graffiti wall’ where 

paint-vandals are free to spray messages and 

pictures without landing themselves a fine or 

ending up in jail. 

Terrorist Ali bin-Ali Ali Mohammed bin 

Ali Mohammed said he was looking forward 

to using the new wall. 

He said: “I think it’s a good idea. We can 

now set our bombs off, and make our point, 

knowing that we won’t be prosecuted. 

“Let’s just hope the bombing wall becomes 

a popular tourist attraction.” 

Boom! But within the law 


13

You can get Covid from 

air fairies, says science 

So wear a mask – even if you’re alone 

in the countryside or in a large park 

People who wear Covid masks while walking 

alone in the middle of parks, fields and 

rural areas were vindicated yesterday after 

new science showed that it is possible to 

catch the virus from the “air fairies”. 

Until now these “ultra maskers” were 

seen by most thinking people as a little 

deranged but it now seems they were right 

all along. 

Doctor Terry Strangelove, from Flim 

Flam University, Wisconsin, said: “It’s 

Coughing air fairy 

Cough, 

cough 

important to follow the science. We carried 

out Covid tests on more than 1,000 air 

fairies and found 99 per cent of them were 

passing on Covid to ramblers and dog 

walkers. 

“It’s extremely difficult to get hold of 

these ‘sprite spreaders’ as they are always 

darting about, so we’re urging people to 

keep their masks on – even when walking 

alone in the countryside. The science, the 

science, follow the science, the science.” 

Pandemic grasses: A real snitch spirit 

People have been sharing stories of how 

everyone “really pulled together” and 

snitched on their neighbours during the 

Covid-19 crisis. 

Social media has been buzzing with 

stories of how much of the population 

bonded over a shared love of grassing 

up people down their street for not 

wearing masks and having one too 

many people in their homes. 

One said: “It was a really lovely 

atmosphere and we all pulled together 

to phone the police about anyone who 

wasn’t complying with the government’s 

made-up rules. It gives me a warm glow 

thinking about it. A real snitch spirit.” 

IN BRIEF 

GOING BENT: Straight, white 

men have been pretending to 

be gay to recoup a few woke 

points in today’s identity-politicscharged 

society, it has emerged. 

One straight, white man, known 

as Big Keith, said he was “really, 

really, really trying to be gay” but 

was finding it difficult. He said: 

“I’ve been buying Abba and Rufus 

Wainwright CDs, and telling all 

my friends that I’m a big fan of 

RuPaul’s Drag Race, but they’re 

not having it. I’ve even taken to 

wearing a feather boa down the 

King’s Arms. Maybe there’s more 

to being gay than this?” 

TERROR TRIALS: Incubating 

Jihadis is to become a new 

Olympic event, sports chiefs have 

said. Judges will look at which 

Western country can produce the 

most terrorists over a set period of 

time and award medals accordingly. 

Some nations have said the 

event is unfair because the UK, 

France and Germany will have 

an obvious advantage. A spokesman 

for the Olympic committee 

said: “Instead of moaning, these 

countries should create ghettos 

themselves that allow terrorism to 

breed. Don’t just sit there whining, 

do something about it.” 

WOKE HELP: A counselling 

service has been set up which will 

give much-needed psychological 

help to people who have been 

scarred and emotionally wounded 

after seeing a St George’s Flag. 

A spokesman said: “We decided 

to set this up when we saw more 

and more people who were visibly 

shaken and not coping very well 

after seeing these flags, especially 

around the time of the football 

World Cup and Euros when people 

were flying them more. Our methods 

involve shouting: “GROW UP 

FOR GOD’S SAKE!” 

Help! Flag! 

14 







6am. BBC Breakfast 

Also known as Two Smugs and a Sofa. 

Hammers and nails are provided by mail order 

for anyone who’d rather bang a rusty tack into 

their noggin rather than watch this drivel. 

9.15. Crimewatch (lesbian special) 

A packed studio of lesbians take your calls on 

this month’s crimes carried out by bad men; 

very bad men indeed. 

10.00. Bargain Hunt 

Experts help teams to buy items to make a 

profit at auction. They also visit the National 

Tram Museum to learn about the role trams 

played in delivering letters to trans women – 

the so-called Trans Trams. 

11.00. Doctors 

Episode 365, Season 38. Emma and Rob 

get involved in Pride month and organise a 

Rainbow Flag Day at the hospital, but a rookie 

doctor ends up offending the gay members of 

the team when he accidentally says the word 

‘bummer’. 


Also known as Censorship by Omission. 



pretend to be journalists for the duration of the 

programme. 

3.00. Escape to the Country 

An average, young, vibrant, diverse, gay, London 

couple are looking for a three-bedroom 

property in Cambridgeshire so the team line up 

a selection of gay properties for their £4million 

budget. 


Restoration experts take a stab at restoring a 

collection of War memorabilia including a 

German helmet, a selection of Iron Crosses 

and a Panzer tank, all brought in by a 

Mr A. Hitler from Chipping Norton. 

6.30. Film: The Godmother 

An all-female version of Francis Ford Coppola’s 

classic The Godfather, showing that women 

can also be narcissistic, murdering, Mafi a types 

intent on control – just like the men. 

10.30. Trans Women’s Football Show 

Highlights from some of today’s trans games. 

Featured match: Tran United v Transenal. 

Live from Old Transford. 

8am. The Big Gay Painting Challenge 

The nationwide search for Britain’s best gay 

amateur artist returns, with Mariella Frostrup 

and the Rev Richard Coles. The artists must 

fi rst paint a table laden with “things that gays 

like”, before being challenged to produce a 

homage to the famous gay Liberace. 

9.00. Nature’s Nighttime World 

Biologists explore the wildernesses of South 

and Central America at night, looking at the 

lack of diversity in the biologist community. 

11.00. Who Do You Think You Are? 

A smug celebrity traces his family history but 

gets more than he bargained for when he finds 

out he’s actually a bastard. 

1.00. Take A Hike 

Five hikers go head to head to fi nd Britain’s 

best walks. Taking it in turns to lead, they’ll be 

judged on their route, picnic, political views 

and how many woke-point boxes they tick. 

3.00. Trawlerpeople 

Documentary looking at the lack of women on 

trawlers. The programme asks, ‘why are there 

so few women working on trawlers?’, and, in 

conclusion, completely ignores the fact that 

most women don’t want to work on trawlers. 

5.00. A House Through Time 

The team looks into the history of a single 

house in Leeds and the stories of its residents 

from the Victorian era up to the present day 

– hoping and praying to find tales of racism, 

repression of women, and persecution of gay 

people. 

BBC2, 3pm: Trawlerpeople 

10.00. Live At The Apollo 

Cutting edge stand up comedy that’s the 

furthest away from cutting edge as you can 

get, parroting what the establishment believes. 

6am. Today 

Pretend journalists pretend to be important. 

9.00. More or Less 

The programme that examines the numbers 

used in everyday life and looks at racism 

among the statistics community. 


A group of female presenters pretend they like 

each other for the duration of the programme, 

before going back to speaking about each 

other behind their backs and mocking their 

shoes and hair. 

11.00. The Goon Show. 

Blimey, how did this one slip the net? 

12.00. You and Yours 

Reports on consumer affairs and stories 

that no one wants to listen to, proving why 

podcasts are now very popular. 

1.00. Thinking Allowed 

... as long as it fits in with how people at the 

BBC think. 


Drama set in an ambulance control room. 

Ollie’s judgement is called into question when 

he finds his work and personal life colliding 

dangerously. A part-time clown and children’s 

entertainer, he trips over his big shoes and 

falls onto a patient undergoing CPR. Part two 

tomorrow. 

5.00. Money Box Live 

Live coverage of a child counting copper coins 

from a money box. 

6.00. News 

Nah. I’ll get real news elsewhere thanks. 

7.00. The Archers 

Harrison gets angry when his pair of oak 

trousers develop woodworm, causing them to 

break while at a party. Emily tells him off for 

not buying from a sustainable source. He says 

he’ll “do better” next time. 

7.30. Do Stereotypes Matter? 

A mum who guarded her kids from society’s 

expectations of them, now finds herself with 

a toddler son who loves machine guns and a 

daughter who loves ironing pink dresses. 

11.00. Shutdown 

Thank God. 


15

BIG PHARMA 


Our Pharma 

(the new Lord’s Prayer) 

Big Pharma 

Who art injecting 

Hallowed be my vein 

Thy first shot come 

Thy will keep schtum 

On ill-e ects, as it is forbidden 

Give us this day our yearly boost 

And forgive us our scepticism 

And don’t forgive those who sceptic against us 

And feed us not misinformation 

But deliver us those needles 

For mine is the fandom 

For Pfizer, and the Tories 

For mRNA 

Amen 

‘Prayer’ sent in by 


16 


IN BRIEF 


LONG SPAT: An argument about 

the UK’s relationship with Europe 

lasting 30 years finally came to 

an end this week. Brexiteer Dave 

Smith and Remainer Jeremy 

Huggins started their arguments 

long ago in a London pub and then 

continued on early online forums 

when the internet was invented. 

In the social media age they used 

MySpace, then Facebook, and, 

until recently, Twitter. Looking 

back, Dave said: “Neither of us 

gave an inch. It was completely 

pointless. In fact the only reason 

the argument finished is because 

Jeremy died. But I’m putting it 

down as a win.” 

KNEE WORKS: Critics of 

“taking the knee” who claim it is 

a meaningless gesture that does 

nothing to stop racism or do any 

real good in the World were left 

with egg on their faces this week 

after some astonishing news. The 

FA has revealed that the act of 

placing a knee onto the surface 

of a pitch sets off an electrical 

impulse which causes a chain 

reaction of events that eventually 

leads to a Nigerian orphan being 

fed and housed in Lagos. A 

Football Association spokesman 

said: “So suck it up, haters!” 

BEEB NEWS: BBC reporters 

are to identify as journalists for 

one week, the corporation has 

announced. Instead of employees 

sitting in the newsroom trawling 

social media for the latest piece of 

outrage, the week-long journalists 

will be out and about, talking to 

real people – as well as looking at 

raw data and getting to the truth, 

rather than just rewriting press 

releases. A spokesman said: “It’s 

just a bit of fun for a week.” 

Just a thought ... 

You know it’s been a bad 

year when you hear an 

Extinction Rebellion crank 

say that the World’s going 

to end soon and you’re 

praying they’re right. 

It’s the Coronavirus 

Excuses Generator 

Simply pull down a lever to hear a 

panicky voice spew bogus science 

A Covid Excuses Generator has been 

developed allowing users to quickly come 

up with an excuse for any scenario. 

Created by scientist and engineer Heinz 

Klunky, the retro-looking machine – 

complete with a row of rusty old levers – 

has a handy excuse for anyone who dares 

to “question the science”. 

Simply pulling down a lever will activate 

a synthetic voice and broadcast one of the 

excuses through a loudspeaker. 

Prof Klunky said: “We’re very pleased 

SPORTS NEWS: 

Cheetahs can identify as 100m runners 

Cheetahs, the fastest land animals, 

will be able to compete in men’s 100m 

races if they choose to identify as 

‘human’, an Olympic spokesman said. 

Some athletes expressed concerns 

over the proposals saying this could 

mean the end of men’s sports. 

As we went to press, no cheetahs 

had yet come forward to compete in 

the next Olympics. 

with this. For instance, if someone dares to 

ask how the flu miraculously disappeared 

in 2020, a virus that has been with us for 

thousands of years, simply pull down this 

lever and the voice will say, ‘Err, err, it’s 

because everyone stayed indoors, it’s 

because everyone stayed indoors!’ 

“And even if someone presses you on 

this and tells you you’re talking nonsense, 

simply pull this lever and it will say, ‘I’d 

rather listen to scientists than Dave off the 

internet. The science, the science, science.” 


17

MUMBO JUMBO 

Before you say something o ensive, count to 10. 

The brief pause will give you a little time to think 

of something even more o ensive 



Our readers come 

from many diverse 

backgrounds and 

creeds. Here are 

just a few of them 



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The Niggle Magazine (issues 6-10)

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