The Niggle Magazine (issues 1-5)

ISSUE 1 Summer 2019 Twitter: @nigglemagazine FREE 

THE NIGGLE 

Satire to caress the permanently offended 

CARTOONS: 

Far-right flower 

arranging 

magazine 

NEWS: 

Isis football 

squad named 

STUFF: 

Meet Kyle, 

our gender 

pronowl 

Reaching 

out to the 

LGBTQ+IA!£$ 

“%^&*(*£+2~5 

{@:?/ss#’&&\\\ 

community 

@nigglemagazine 

non binary

THE NIGGLE 

WHO TO CONTACT: 

The Niggle Magazine is an online 

magazine that comes out four 

times a year and is produced by 

a small team of European joke 

writers and an African cartoonist 

(How diverse are we!). Contact 

nigglemagazine@protonmail. 

com or check out our Twitter site 

@nigglemagazine. And please 

don’t tell us we’re not funny 

because then we’ll have to go 

away and rethink our sense of 

humour. 

Our magazine is free. But we 

will be setting up a donation 

button soon if you want to 

support our war against the 

identity politicos. Visit 

www.nigglemagazine.com 

And if you want to advertise 

with us then please contact us 

for ad rates. Ads can link to your 

website. Imagine that! 

Full-page, half-page and 

quarter-page space available - 

but you must provide artwork. 

WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN 

SAYING ABOUT OUR 

MAGAZINE: 

‘Some light relief amid a 

sea of news baloney’ 

‘Reaching out to 

members of the 

LGBTQ+-!!**?&$ 

community since 1948’ 

‘Disappointingly jerky’ 

‘Mammoths of the 

engineering industry’ 

‘They’re up the creek 

without a paddle, 

but the boat has an 

ethnically-diverse 

team of oarsmen.’ 

Go and tell a teacher 

Welcome to The Niggle Magazine – a new 

publication which aims to irritate, annoy 

and niggle those who spend their lives 

offended. That’s it. That’s our agenda. And 

to make you laugh of course. 

The morally-superior set will no 

doubt get irritated and want to report us 

to a teacher. As Gustave Flaubert 

famously once said, “Inside every revolutionary 

there’s a policeman.” But as the 

police force is ‘institutionally racist’ then 

those very same revolutionaries will also 

have to report themselves. 

So we’ve assembled a small team of 

like-minded people and put together a 

magazine that we think is funny. We’ll also 

be tweeting out selected stuff from the mag 

as well as other rubbish. Enjoy. 

As you have seen, this magazine is free 

to readers, but we’ll be setting up a funding 

page soon for anyone wishing to donate a 

little bit to our anti-identity-politics cause. 

If you believe in free speech, are against 

political correctness and are absolutely fed 

up with “apologies for any offence caused” 

then please feel free to donate. Check out 

www.nigglemagazine.com for more. 

But before we go any further, here’s a 

box, right, with a quick checklist to remind 

us all who we can take the wee-wee out of, 

and who we can’t... 

Ed 

People we’re allowed to 

laugh at: 

Americans; the English; 

Christians; Jews a little bit; 

and clowns 

People we’re not allowed 

to laugh at: 

The entire continent of Africa 

(well, except for some North 

Africans, I mean, come on the 

Egyptians for instance have 

those funny little Fez hats don’t 

they? Oh, and South Africans 

have their funny accents) ; the 

continent of Asia; Muslims, that’s 

a given; Jews, most of the time; 

the whole of South America, 

especially the indigenous tribes; 

Rastafarians; rappers; the whole 

of the Middle East; all foreign 

sounding names, even if they’re 

actually funny, like the really 

long Sri Lankan ones such as 

Coomarabarmyramaswarmy; 

dogs doing Hitler salutes; people 

with allergies; Oh, and bummers. 

SO, THAT’S THAT THEN 

A drop of bird lime 

I suppose you think this stuff is 

funny? 

@boudicca_vegan 

Yep. 


I bet you wouldn’t dare take the 

mickey out of Christians? 

@christonatricycle 

Nope. We don’t want to get 

blown up. 


Major engineering works are 

taking place on our network over 

the weekend. Check South Western 

Railways 

@SW_Help 

Thanks. @nigglemagazine 

TWO WORDS - WE CARE 

Some of the best tweets we’ve received so far 

You wouldn’t dare take the mickey 

out of The Quakers would you? 

@georgyfoxy 


blown up. @nigglemagazine 

Racists. 

@jennifer_pixelated 

Someone called us ‘paedos’ last 

week. We’ll take ‘racists’. 

Social mobility! 


Northamptonshire Northbound - 

Broken down vehicle - J18 for A5 

and J19 for M6 Catthorpe 

@TrafficMotorway 

OK, thanks for that. 

@nigglemagazine

CODSWALLOP 

Middle-class students 

offended by themselves 

A group of middle-class students at East 

Anglia University have asked for action 

to be taken after branding themselves 

“offensive”. 

Sociology student Boudicca Winnersh- 

Triangle said: “We took a good look at 

ourselves and said ‘Actually, I’m quite 

offended by that’. So we’ll be putting 

forward a motion to ‘no-platform’ 

ourselves in due course.” 

A university spokesman said: “One 

student was so offended by himself 

that he quit so he could shovel fries at 

Maccy-Ds; but the rest of them are still 

hanging around. But they have issued an 

apology for ‘any offence caused’.” 

Students debate their offensiveness 

DID YOU 

KNOW? 

The All Men Are 

Perverts work suit 

a big hit at Paris 

Fashion Week 

Fashionistas have branded a new 

range of women’s work-wear “a 

triumph” after it was showcased 

during Paris Fashion Week. 

The suit, composed of the finest 

steel plate armour – with nods to 

the Renaissance and the Polish 

Hussars – is designed to cover a 

woman’s entire body so nothing is 

visible to sexual predators, aka all 

men everywhere. 

A Fashion Week spokeshuman 

said: “This suit sends out a clear 

message to all male office workers: 

Keep your hands, eyes, and bow & 

arrow to yourselves.” 

99.9% of the globe 

is racist for not 

wanting to join 

the EU. 

Fact. 

A female worker in her new suit asks 

a male colleague if he’d like a coffee 

Feminist group calls it a day after 

admitting they don’t like women 

‘We’re tired of pretending we like women that aren’t our close friends’ 

A feminist group has said it has “had enough of 

pretending to like women” and is calling it a day. 

A spokesperson for the Alliance of Everyday 

Female Sexism and Women’s Suffrage Equality 

Now Womankind Network said: “It’s such a 

relief. Now we can get back to just liking our 

close female friends while being deeply 

suspicious of the rest. 

“And we can also return to quietly criticising 

other women’s clothes, shoes and hairstyles at 

parties and other social situations.” 

Some typical women, above. But feminists don’t like them 

3

TOONS 

with X’arts

SOME STUFF 

Large rock in US national park 

apologises for mocking burka 

A large rock in the Joshua Tree National 

Park, California, has apologised for mocking 

the burka. 

The rock can be clearly seen in tourists’ 

photographs standing erect, dome-shaped, 

and with a slot at the top for looking out of. 

One critic, Emelia SJW Nannyland, said: 

“Look at it. Just standing there, blatantly 

mocking a style of dress forced on repressed 

women in the Middle East. It should be 

ashamed of itself.” 

Another, Spartacus Titty-Lambert, said: 

“The large stone should leave the park 

immediately.” 

In a statement the rock said: “I’d like to 

apologise for any offence caused etcetera.” 

IN BRIEF 

UP YOURS ISIS: A Londoner 

has spent the week sitting around 

his flat in just his underpants 

watching Netfl ix and jerking off 

to Love Island “to show Islamic 

terrorists they can’t win”. 

Following the latest terror attack 

in the capital, unemployed Dave 

Sloth said he was following 

London Mayor Sadiq Khan’s 

advice to “carry on as normal” and 

to “not let the terrorists break us”. 

Dave said: “When an Islamic 

terrorist hears what I’ve been up 

to, he’ll think twice about trying 

to bomb the Houses of Parliament 

or driving a truck into tourists on 

Westminster bridge.” 

ADVERTISEMENT

TOONS 

with X’arts

TOONS 

A few words from our editor-in-chief – Joyce Holocaust (Mrs) 

Do you support free speech? 

Do you agree that the only rule for 

comedy should be if it’s funny or 

not? 

And do you believe that no one 

should have a legal right not to be 

o ended? 

Well guess what? That’s what we 

believe. Learn more on 

how to support our fight 

against the identitypoliticos 

and PC bores 

by visiting our website at 

nigglemagazine.com

FATIMATRONIC 

Fatima checks it out 

This month, The Niggle magazine’s regular columnist Fatima 

tries out ventriloquism. But can you see her lips move? 

Ventriloquism, or the art of ‘throwing 

one’s voice’, is all about not letting the 

audience see your lips move. And believe 

me, it’s a lot harder than it looks. 

My tutor was children’s entertainer 

Barry Bonkers and his puppet Archie, 

who was one heck of a handful believe 

me – constantly making lewd comments 

about my figure and the shape of my nose, 

but I just brushed it off as harmless banter 

and took it in the spirit in which it was 

intended. 

First off, Barry had me reciting the 

alphabet, substituting easier-to-say letters 

and sounds for the more difficult letters 

such as Bs and Ws. 

B can be replaced with a ‘geh’ sound 

at the back of the mouth, and W with the 

word ‘duggle-ooh’. Over time your skills 

will improve so the letters sound more 

authentic. 

After a few hours working on my 

letters I was confident that I’d be able to 

perform, albeit in a rudimentary fashion, 

without people seeing my lips move. 

We then moved on to the choice of 

puppet. Barry said it was important to 

pick a character with a bit of spark. His 

doll Archie was somewhat blue and would 

often get violent. 

That sort of thing wasn’t for me, 

so I chose a more sedate character - a hardline 

Saudi cleric called Ahmed, constantly 

banging on about how women should 

not be able to drive because their brains 

are a quarter the size of men’s, and how 

they wouldn’t be able to fully concentrate 

on the road because they’d be constantly 

distracted by thoughts about shopping. 

During my first ever ventriloquism 

show last week, at the Comedy Store, 

my puppet Ahmed was constantly barking 

out the word ‘whore’ whenever 

he spotted a girl in the crowd wearing 

makeup. It was absolutely hilarious, 

even though I say so myself, and the 

crowd was in stitches. 

And that’s the trick. Make the character 

believable and you’ll get the audience on 

your side. 

And do you know what? They couldn’t 

see my lips move. 

Gottle o’ geer, 

gottle o’ geer 

Fatima, who asked for her 

face to be pixellated to hide 

her identity, tries out the 

art of ventriloquism with 

puppet Archie 

NEXT TIME - FATIMA STRUGGLES TO TEACH A 

GROUP OF DEAF CHILDREN TO LIP READ

Why Netflix is popular 

A quick guide to what’s on BBC television and radio today 

BBC1 BBC2 Radio4 

5.30. Diverse, diverse, diverse 

Are the letters in ‘diversity’ diverse enough? 

7.00. The One Show 

Nutty magazine output which tonight 

features a segment on slapstick comedy, 

before immediately flicking to an appeal to 

raise money for a toddler dying of cancer. 

7.30. Homos under the Hammer 

The trials and tribulations of gay people 

running a property auction house. 

8.00. The Trouble with Men 

Successful celebrities Sue Perkins, Hadley 

Freeman and Sara Pascoe press their case for 

a female James Bond while ignoring the plight 

of repressed women in the Middle East. 

9.00. Real Women 

Drama. Five women renew their friendships 

and pretend they like each other. 

9.30. Real Men 

Drama. Five English men go to a country pub 

and keep calling one of the group ‘gay’ for 

drinking half pints. 

10.00. MasterChef 

A black person, a white person, a gay man, a 

lesbian, a Muslim, a jew, and an elderly Asian, 

compete for the coveted MasterChef trophy. 

10.30. Panorama 

The team looks at the role of black people in 

the Ku Klux Klan – and whether the far right 

group should be more diverse. 

11.00. Question Time 

People shouting at each other. 

12.00. The Neanderthals 

Investigating the noises and grunts issued 

by white English men outside pubs across 

England. 

1.00. Match of the Day 

Looking at the role of disabled people in the 

games between Manchester City v Arsenal, 

and Leicester v Chelsea. 

2.00. A Wing and a Prayer 

Why shouldn’t blind people be able to fly 

planes? Late-night panel discussion looks at 

the pros and cons of having blind pilots at the 

controls of long-haul fl ights. With Yasmin 

Alibhai-Brown, Camila Batmanghelidjh and 

Ainsley Harriott. Hosted by Kirsty Walk. 

5.30. Black Lee Funny? 

‘On-message’ comedian Stewart Lee decides 

he’s going to hate himself from now on for not 

being diverse enough. “I may start blacking 

up”, he admits. 

6.00. It was Alright in the 70s and 80s 

A look back to an age when TV and radio 

comedy was funny, asking - ‘Could we get 

away with BBC comedy shows being funny 

nowadays?’ 

7.00. Who’s your favourite? 

This week, who’s your favourite paedophile - 

artistically speaking? Germaine Greer picks 

sculptor Eric Gill, and Maya Angelou picks 

singer Gary Glitter. Originally broadcast 2013. 

8.00. University Challenge 

Students are asked questions by a big, rude 

conk. 

9.00. Mary Magdalene: Art’s 

Scarlet Woman 

Waldemar Januszczak looks at how the church 

branded the invented Mary Magdalene a 

prostitute, and looks at how other made-up 

people have been unfairly portrayed. 

Mary Magdalane, yesterday. Was the 

made-up Mary unfairly treated? 

10.00. Live from the Apollo 

Stand-up comedy show starring Nish Kumar, 

Nish Kumar and Nish Kumar. Hosted by Nish 

Kumar. Press the red button for an interview 

with Nish Kumar. 

For more BBC listings check out www.why-netflix-is-popular.co.uk 

10 

WASTE MATTER 

7.00. The Big Debate 

Should we change the name of Great Britain to 

Mediocre Britain? 

7.45. Talking Jesus 

Nigerian pastor and activist the Rev Naga 

N’Chittybangbang discusses Jesus’ arrest in 

the Garden of Gethsemane and asks whether 

there could have been more diversity in the 

team of gardeners working there. 

8.00. Desert Island Discs 

If you were stranded on a desert island which 

eight records would you take? Poet Benjamin 

Zephaniah picks Ken Dodd’s Nicky Nocky Noo 

song, among others. 

8.45. A right burka 

A feminist, wrestling with France’s burka ban, 

repeats the mantra “Repression of women 

- but it’s a woman’s right to wear what she 

wants” over and over again until her head 

explodes. 

10.00. Gardeners’ Question Time 

Questions include: ‘What can be done to 

increase diversity among my Freesias and 

Busy Lizzies?’ 

11.00. Black, black, black and black 

What is day-to-day life actually like for a black 

family living in the Black Country, whose 

surname is Black, and whose finances are in 

the black? 

12.30. Nothing to do with Islam 

After an Islamist gunman last week blasted 

his way through a busy French supermarket 

shouting ‘This has everything to do with Islam, 

This has everything to do with Islam’, the 

studio panel asks: ‘Has this incident got 

anything to do with Islam?’ 

2.00. Gays, blacks, women and 

disablities 

Gay people, black people, women and 

disabled people discuss issues important to 

gay people, black people, women and disabled 

people. 

3.15. Spoken word 

Rap battle: Scroobius Pipsqueak versus 

Manchester United, live from Old Trafford. 

5.00. Crushed Asians 

Asian people talk about sadness and how best 

to cope with it in modern Britain.

TRIPE 

Movie news: Laurel and Hardy film 

Diversity policy sees 

controversial choices 

for Stan and Ollie... 

A new film about comedy legends 

Laurel and Hardy has come 

under fire for casting two 

members of Ethiopia’s Mursi 

tribe in the lead roles. 

See page 237 for more. 

England team to change name to 

‘Bag of Wank’ - in time for Euros 

‘Just getting in there first’, admits Football Association 

The England football team is to change 

its name to ‘Bag of Wank’ in time for 

the European Championships 

in 2020. 

The Football Association 

made the unexpected decision 

this week, after months of 

deliberation, and in response to 

a seven-million-name petition 

by England fans. 

An FA spokesman said: “We 

listened to the fans, that’s the 

honest truth. And so we thought we’d 

be pro-active about the situation. 

“Even though England did quite well 

in last summer’s World Cup, because 

all the big teams got knocked out early, 

we thought it best to cut 

our losses and rename the 

team ‘Bag of Wank’. 

“Fans then won’t be 

too disappointed when 

the shower of overpaid 

no-hopers stumble once 

again in the Euros.” 

A source close to the FA’s 

naming committee said other 

options on the table included ‘Pub 

Eleven’, ‘Team Lummox’ and ‘Home 

Before Their Postcards’. 

‘Bag of Wank, Bag of Wank, Bag of Wank!’ 

The team’s travelling support gets ready 

for Euro 2020 

11

FOLDEROL 

Hope Not Hate T-shirts 

to be made bulletproof 

Hope not Hate T-shirts are to be made bullet 

and bomb proof to protect campaigners from 

gunmen during an Islamist terrorist attack, it 

was announced this week. 

Using a new advanced plastic polymer, 

composed of many many many layers of the 

material Kevlar, the woven sheets will be 

bonded with natural resins from the T-shirt 

and sealed between panels of polyethylene. 

The protective materials will be light 

enough so that they can be easily worn while 

attending LGBTQ rallies and music festivals, 

but solid enough to give adequate protection 

against a terrorist’s bullets and bombs. 

Veteran Hope not Hate campaigner 

Arabella Aitken-Mortimer told The Niggle: 

“This is great news. While we’re sitting there 

crossing our fingers, hoping and not hating, 

we can now relax – safe in the knowledge 

that the T-shirt will protect us from a sniper’s 

bullet or a terrorist’s bomb. It’s about time in 

my opinion.” 

IN BRIEF 

DEATH OF UPSPEAK: People 

who end every sentence as if 

it’s a question are to hanged, 

the Government said yesterday. 

The ubiquitous habit – where 

the voice intonation changes 

at the end of a sentence – has 

been adopted by people across 

the world?? And seems to be 

getting worse?? Every week?? 

A Government spokesman said: 

“We thought about trying to train 

upspeakers to speak normally 

but, in the end, we thought it best 

just to terminate their existence.” 

RACIST KING: Civil rights 

leader Martin Luther King Jr 

has been declared “racist” by an 

activist over his regular use of 

the word “coloured”. Boudicca 

Chetwynd, from the Student Safe 

Space Network, told The Niggle: 

“Just listen to his speeches, and 

look at his involvement with The 

National Association for the 

Advancement of Colored People. 

Many of us find the word ‘coloured’ 

extremely offensive. How 

much more racist can you get? If 

Mr King wasn’t dead I’d demand 

an apology.” 

TATTOO TABOO: An 

Englishman has been shunned by 

his peers for walking through a 

town centre with no tattoos at all. 

Labelled “a disgrace” by many 

who saw him, one onlooker said: 

“I don’t know what he’s trying 

to prove, looking like that. Bring 

back national service, that’s what 

I say.” The tattoo-free man, 

pictured below, said: “Is it a 

crime to be different?” 

The English man’s clean skin, 

yesterday 

12

TOMMY ROT 

People who embrace diversity ‘are 

just too lazy to go on holiday’ 

Those who support diversity and mass 

immigration are just too lazy and stingy 

to go on holiday, a new study has found. 

The report discovered that by 

surrounding themselves with people 

from many different cultures the 

‘diversity champions’ didn’t have to 

actually fork out money to fly to those 

countries because they could get the 

same experience at home. 

A spokesman for the report said: “It’s 

amazing the lengths some people will go 

to – creating a melting pot of cultures – 

just to save themselves a few quid flying 

to Marrakesh.” 

London ready for Storm Sadiq 

Londoners are bracing themselves as 

Storm Sadiq is set to hit the capital over 

the next few days. 

The “storm” – a weak, insipid, slightly 

annoying wind – will have “little to no 

effect” on London according to weather 

forecasters. 

The Met Office’s Ted Chump said: 

“There’s really no need to cack your 

pants over this. But if you are worried, 

maybe invest in some sort of windbreak. 

It doesn’t need to be very thick. Sadiq is 

no Katrina and should peter out soon.” 

Look at 

the size 

of my 

gob 

Londoners feel the full force of Storm Sadiq 

EU REMAINERS’ 

SUPERIORITY TO 

BE CONVERTED 

INTO ELECTRICITY 

The moral superiority of EU 

Remainers is being harnessed for 

clean energy, thanks to a new 

scientific process known as 

Thermal Crynamics. 

Remainers are being asked to 

shout into a device which then – 

using grown-up science – converts 

their anger into green electricity. 

A spokesbeing for the National 

Grid said: “Thousands of people 

shouting ‘We want another 

referendum’ generates a large 

amount of energy which – when 

hooked up to our new machine – 

produces up to two gigawatts of 

power; enough to supply 200,000 

homes with the ability to watch 

a documentary on, say, LGBTQ 

issues, for about an hour. We may 

as well put all this bottled-up anger 

to good use.” 

A critic writes: ‘Brilliant satire, very clever’ 

13

DRIVEL 

Hitler: Stop dragging me 

into all your arguments 

Fuhrer furious as his name is again ‘dragged 

through the mud’ during political debate 

Adolf Hitler has made a personal plea to 

politicians to stop mentioning him at every 

opportunity. 

The wartime German dictator spoke of his 

dismay at the “lazy” way his name is often 

“dragged through the dirt” at “any available 

opportunity”. 

The Fuhrer said: “It’s got to stop. From 

that scruffy blond ponce Boris Johnson 

likening Russia to the Nazi regime, or 

saying that the EU’s attempts to give 

democratic representation to 28 countries 

has failed for the same reasons that I was 

not able to invade and murder my way to 

world domination. 

“Or former London Mayor Ken “Newt” 

Livingstone saying I supported Zionism. 

“Or British politician Michael Gove 

comparing European Union experts to Nazi 

propagandists. 

“Or the North Korean regime saying that 

US president Donald Trump is worse than 

me. The shame of it. 

“Or Trump himself, before he was elected, 

saying that US intelligence agencies were 

acting like Nazis. 

“I beg of you, LEAVE ME AND MY 

REGIME OUT OF IT!!” 

A spokesman for the Society for Bringing 

up Hitler at Any Available Opportunity said: 

“I would say to Mr Hitler, get over it you 

big puff.” 

IN BRIEF 

VIBRANT SHITHOLES: 

“Vibrant” areas of London are 

to be reclassified as “shitholes”, 

a Government spokesman has 

revealed. Under new legislation 

it will now be illegal to walk 

around, say, Brixton, saying: “It’s 

really vibrant, it’s really vibrant,” 

but saying “What an absolute 

shithole, get me out of here” will 

be perfectly acceptable. 

Jackson: 

Very pasty 

MUSIC OF WHITE ORIGIN: A 

musician who was influenced only 

by Michael Jackson’s final studio 

album Invincible has won a Music 

of White Origin (MOWO) award. 

Picking up his prize, singer 

Winston Alphonsofonso said: 

“The MOWO awards were 

created to celebrate those artists 

influenced by white musicians – 

in my case Michael Jackson when 

he was recording Invincible – so 

I am very honoured to win.” 

14 

THREE DIM MEN: The Three 

Wise Men were actually “a trio 

of dunces”, new research has 

revealed. Instead of following the 

star to the baby Jesus they initially 

took a wrong turning and ended 

up in Swindon, a small town in 

southern England. Then, realising 

their mistake, they tried to post 

themselves back to Bethlehem, 

1,600 years before the postal 

service was invented. An eminent 

theologian told The Niggle: “We 

call them the Three Wise Men but, 

looking at them with fresh eyes, 

they were a bunch of bubbleheads.”

THE SO-CALLED NEWS 

ISIS name World Cup squad 

The IS football team has just been 

announced. Have a butchers... 

Nickname: The Tolerants 

Odds to win tournament: 25-1 

Manager: Amdram Choudary 

Abu Muhammed al-Jazrani (goalkeeper) 

As head of the Islamic religious police nothing gets past 

this fella. Keeps the ball out of his net using Sharia Law. 

Zulfi Hoxha (defender) 

A workhorse at the back, who, if beaten, runs over the 

opposition in a car shouting ‘kill a kaffir’. 

Abu Osama Al-Masri (defender) 

Form has been up and down recently. Anger issues. 

If he loses a game he sneaks into the winning team’s 

dressing room and poisons their Champagne. 

Abu al-Hassan al-Muhajer (defender) 

Got his place in the team after his predecessor was 

kicked out for listening to Adele on the team coach. 

Abu Muhammad al-Shimali (midfielder) 

Controls the smuggling of balls into the opposition half. 

Abu Ahmad al-Alwani (midfielder) 

Famous for long strikes outside the box. And also good 

at football. 

Abu Luqman (midfielder) 

Surprise addition to the 2019 squad following rumours 

of his death in a US air strike. He once ordered the 

beheading of the referee after being sent off for diving 

in a World Cup qualifier. 

Abu Yusaf (midfielder) 

Dragged out of retirement for this competition. Ran 

rings around a bunch of titty lamberts to score the 

notorious ‘Hand of Allah’ goal. 

Ahlam al-Nasr (forward) 

A woman. Made the team by pretending to be a man – 

wearing a false beard, farting a lot, and acting like a big 

baby when sick. 

Gulmurod Khalimou (forward) 

His fiery temper led to his nickname ‘The Tajikistan 

Bowles’. Defected to Islamic State after a successful 

season at Leyton Orient. 

Abu Bakr al Baghdadi (capt) 

Deadly in attack. Claims responsibility for all IS’s goals. 

Woman self-identifies as woman 

Gender activists have again 

expressed their anger 

after a woman admitted she 

“self-identifies as a female, 

24 hours a day, seven days a 

week”. 

Members of the group 

Trans Trans Trans criticised 

the woman, stating that her 

claims of being female all the 

time were “offensive to the 

trans community”. 

A Trans Trans Trans 

spokeshuman said: “Just look 

at her, prancing around with 

that ‘I’m all woman’ look in 

her eye. Who does she think 

she is?” 

‘I may not be transgender, 

but I’m all woman; 

from Monday 

to Sunday...’ 

HOME TRUTHS: 

BREAKING BAD 

You only like it 

because everyone 

else does. 

15

RELIGION OF PEAS 

Islamic fun-da-mentals 

As we know, Muslims absolutely love jokes about their 

religion so here are some of our favourite gags and cartoons 

about Islam. Enjoy! 

and that’s why 

the 

Why don’t you 

try 

the 

a 

More Islamic hilarity in the next issue 

16

DIVERSITY PENGUIN 

Say hello to 

our diversity 

penguin... 

diverthitee, 

diverthitee 

The Niggle magazine’s diversity penguin, pictured yesterday 

New law makes it 

illegal to have 

fewer than three 

ethnic friends 

It is now illegal to have fewer than 

three BAME (Black, Asian and 

Minority Ethnic) friends, under a 

UK law which came into force today. 

The comedian Lenny Henry called 

it “a move in the right direction” but 

rural communities have expressed 

concerns over how the new law will 

work in practice. 

A Government spokesman said: 

“For rural villages we are looking 

at some sort of ethnic friend sharing 

scheme where people can borrow 

friends from a neighbouring town. 

But this is still being ironed out.” 

Three black 

friends; that’s 

your minimum 

17

MUMBO JUMBO 

Smugness on board 

London Underground’s ‘baby on board’ badges 

to come with guide on how to form smug grin 

IN BRIEF 

RAM IT DOWN YER THROATS: 

The BBC is sending a machine 

to all TV licence holders which 

aims to physically “hammer the 

BBC’s message home to those yet 

to comply”. 

The Diverso-inclusivo-LGBTQ- 

Hijabo-Stewart-Leeo-Feministi- 

Disabilitio-50-Years-of-Trojan 

machine has been designed to be 

plugged into Freeview boxes. 

A mechanical hand will pop out 

to prod people whenever it senses 

a viewer is “not getting it”. 

A small megaphone is also 

attached to broadcast words such 

as “diversity”, “The Big Asian 

Summer”, “non binary” and 

“Sandi Toksvig” whenever the 

viewer is seen to be flagging. 

The Diverso-inclusivo- 

LGBTQ-Hijabo-Stewart- 

Leeo-Feministi-Disabilitio- 

50-Years-of-Trojan machine 

in action, yesterday 

On stage: Black comic didn’t 

once mention being black 

A London comedy club crowd was left 

stunned this week after a black comedian 

performed an entire one-hour set while not 

once talking about being black. 

Standup comic Femi Agu-Bolaji, from 

North London and of Nigerian heritage, took 

to the stage at the Chuckling Ha Ha Comedy 

Club and delivered a routine full of jokes and 

one-liners - none of which referred to the fact 

he is black, his Nigerian heritage, or racism. 

One audience member said: “He just came 

on and started talking about the fact there’s 

always a missing sock in your sock drawer, 

and how when you get on the London Tube 

no one talks to each other. It was weird.” 

18 

WORKING WITH CUNTS: 

“Office politics” has been 

officially rebranded “Working 

with cunts”. 

The name change was 

announced by the Government 

this week following pressure from 

the UK workforce. 

One worker said: “It’s great. 

Instead of me having to moan 

about ‘the politics in my office’, 

I can now refer to those involved 

as ‘complete cunts’. It’s very 

cathartic”

Aye up! Meet the readers... 

Images from one 

of those free image 

websites. You 

know the ones. 

Our readers come 

from many di erent 

diverse backgrounds 

and creeds. Here are 

just a few of them... 

A typical selection of Niggle readers, yesterday 

Definition of niggle in English: 

niggle 

VERB 

To cause a small but continual nuisance or discomfort 

If you have 

been o ended by 

anything in this 

magazine then 

please tell all your 

friends and follow 

us on Twitter 


and stop 

showing 

off!

THE NIGGLE 

A magazine to caress 

the easily-o ended 

Follow us on Twitter: @nigglemagazine

Issue 2 this way

There it is, look

ISSUE 2 Autumn 2019 FREE Twitter: @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 

SATIRE AND CARTOONS TO ANNOY THE HUMOUR POLICE 

The magazine that caused an oil slick 

at an Extinction Rebellion regatta 

You’ve got 

four weeks 

to save the 

planet 

@nigglemagazine

THE NIGGLE 


The Niggle is a satirical online 

magazine that comes out every 

two months (approx) and is 

produced by a small team of 

European joke writers and 

an African cartoonist (How 

diverse are we!). Contact us at 


com or tweet @nigglemagazine. 

And please don’t tell us we’re 

not funny because then we’ll 

have to go away and rethink 

our sense of humour. 


lose money on every issue 

because of online costs and 

paying contributors. Visit 

www.nigglemagazine.com 

if you would like to donate. 


with us then please email 

us for ad rates. Ads can link 

to your website. Imagine that! 




WHAT PEOPLE HAVE 

BEEN SAYING ABOUT 

OUR MAGAZINE: 

‘Speaking as a non-binary 

Siberian leper... it’s just 

about passable.’ 

‘Speaking as a Chilean 

transsexual with motor 

neurone disease... I didn’t 

really like it.’ 

‘Speaking as a member of 

the Bangladeshi gender 

fluid community... I was 

offended on behalf of lots 

of other people.’ 

‘Racist, transphobic and 

sexist. Loved it.’ 

Stop 

showing 

off 

We’ve made it to issue two 

Yes we have. And speaking as an 

Egyptian lesbian with cerebral palsy I’d 

like to thank all those who checked out 

our first issue and retweeted our stuff. It 

was very much appreciated. Thankyou for 

supporting our free speech cause and the 

right to tell jokes simply because they’re 

funny. 

The world of woke gets more crazy by 

the minute. Real life Titania McGraths 

have infested every area of the media, 

public sector and the Twitterati. So this is 

our small fight back. As George Orwell 

said, every joke is a tiny revolution. It’s 

just a shame we don’t know any. 

That’s not quite true. We know about 

six jokes. But I digress. Most of your 

comments and messages about our first 

issue were positive. Some weren’t. Mainly 

from people called Jasper, Camilla and 

Beatrice. Who probably got offended on 

behalf of someone else. 

It’s now a culture war. Hopefully our 

side will win. The biggest hope is that the 

woke will eat themselves. They will 

exclude more and more people who do 

not comply, leaving just one ‘super woke’ 

individual, sitting alone, chomping on a 

falafel and listening to Woman’s Hour. 

Let’s hope eh. So, until next time, enjoy 

the magazine. 

Ed 

PROPAGANDA: 

In case you missed them, here 

are some of our recent tweets to 

promote the mag: 

The Niggle Magazine... 

WORLD OF WOKE 

Placing a line of flaming car tyres 

in the Atlantic to show Greta 

Thunberg the way... 

Attaching a Genghis Khan 

Panini sticker in the Book of 

Woke... 

The magazine that disposed of 

its mum’s ashes - Great Escape 

style - down the bottom of its 

trousers... 

It danced the Funky Chicken 

and The Mashed Potato at a 

Klan rally... 

Ripped to the tits on meth, but 

heading for the stars... 

The only magazine stockpiling 

gender pronouns in case of a 

no-deal Brexit... 

Drip, drip, splodge: More bird lime 

Some of the best tweets we’ve received so far 

Is this stuff supposed to be funny? 

@policing_humour 

Aye, yes, aye. 



mickey out of the Catholic religion 

would you? 

@christ_on_a_hike 

Nope. We don’t want to get blown 

up. 


Major engineering works are taking 

place on our network today. Check 

South Western Railways 

@SW_Help 

Taa very much like. 



out of Protestants would you? 

@holy_gas 


blown up. 


Nazis, nazis, nazis, nazis, nazis, 

nazis, nazis, nazis, nazis, nazis! 

@jennifer_sprouts 

We’re not quite sure what you’re 

trying to say Jennifer. 


Northbound A1 - Broken down 

vehicle - Scotch Corner at A66 


Cheers, me old mucker. 

@nigglemagazine

TOONS 

3

DIVERTHITEE, DIVERTHITEE 

‘Diversity barriers’ to broadcast 

JK Rowling reading her tweets 

‘Diversity bollards’ – which aim to stop 

Islamic terrorists driving vans into 

pedestrians – are to be fitted with speakers 

broadcasting the voice of JK Rowling 

reading out her tweets. 

One London tourist, who was injured in 

the 2017 Westminster Bridge terror attack, 

said: “Putting speakers on the ‘diversity 

bollards’ is a great idea. Now, when I see 

an Islamic terrorist trying to crash through 

them, I’ll be calmed by the voice of JK 

Rowling saying things such as ‘diversity is 

our strength’, ‘religion of peace’ and ‘Trump 

is a racist’. 

The bollards – used in pedestrianised 

areas, and on bridges over the River 

Thames, come in three colours – Taliban 

blue, Al-Qaeda green, and ISIS black. 

Boy, 8, says ‘sorry that I’ll grow 

up to be a straight, white man’ 

An eight-year-old boy has 

apologised in advance 

to feminist groups, 

social justice warriors, 

virtue signallers, and 

race campaigners for his 

future role in society as 

a straight, middle-aged 

white man. 

The youngster said he 

felt ashamed of what he 

would become, adding: 

“I would even consider 

blacking up if that helped, 

but I’d still be straight and 

still be a man. 

“So that wouldn’t 

please everyone.” 

The boy’s mother said: 

“Being straight, white and 

a man is just too much. 

“I suppose the only 

thing we can hope for is 

that he grows up to be a 

bummer.” 

The future straight, white, 

middle-aged man, and his 

teddy bear, left 

Diversity barriers; 

JK Rowling, top 

MIDDLE-CLASS 

ENGLISHMAN 

LIKES REGGAE 

JUST BECAUSE 

HE LIKES REGGAE 

– NOT FOR ANY 

OTHER REASON 

A middle class Hampstead man has 

admitted that he likes reggae just 

because he likes the music. 

Josh Tosh, who works for a central 

London IT consultancy, made the 

astonishing announcement this week 

while commenting on a Twitter thread 

about Bob Marley. 

Mr Tosh said: “I just like the music. 

I don’t use it to prove I like black 

people. It doesn’t give me a diversity 

erection. I just like reggae that’s all.” 

4

COCCYX MASCULINITY 

Man v Food TV show is a 

big hit in starving Yemen 

The US television show Man v Food 

is an unexpected ratings success in 

famine-hit Yemen. 

The TV programme, which 

sees a big, fat lummox trying to 

cram mountains of grub down his 

cakehole during numerous eating 

challenges, has struck a chord with 

starving people in the Arabian 

peninsula. 

A spokesman for one of the aid 

charities there said: “They can’t get 

enough of it. One of their favourite 

episodes is the one where the host 

tackled the Thurmanator - a 12oz 

burger, bun, lettuce, tomato, mayo, 

provolone cheese, ham, sauteed 

onions, mushrooms, bacon, cheddar, 

peppers, plus another 12oz burger, 

kettle chips and a pickle spear.” 

Blacking up can 

prevent cancer 

Blacking up can prevent cancer, doctors in 

the US have revealed. 

A new study has found that the black 

paint – traditionally used by minstrels 

to darken their faces – contains many 

cancer-killing properties that can only be 

absorbed through the face. 

One doctor said: “These new findings 

put us in a very tricky position. The 

message seems to be, “If you don’t want 

cancer, black up.” 

Blacking up is good for you, apparently 

Feminism conferences: A great 

place for getting your end away 

Groups of feminists are full of women that 99 per cent of men won’t 

touch with a barge pole – leaving rich pickings for those on the pull 

Our top five tips for some skirt 

action: 

lMix with the hardcore feminists, 

as these are women that no sensible 

man will go near. There’ll be a 30ft 

male exclusion zone around them 

so don’t miss your chance. 

lPepper your conversation with 

words such as “gender pay gap”, 

“patriarchy” and “suffragettes”. 

You’ve a far better chance of 

getting your end away. 

lInstigate a conversation about 

films and casually mention your 

favourite movies include Erin 

Brockovich, Bend It Like Beckham, 

Steel Magnolias and Miss 

Congeniality 2. 

lTry not to use the word “birds”, 

even if you’re talking about 

ornithology. You might be reported 

and arrested. 

lAnd don’t forget to enjoy 

yourself! 

5

Brace yourself readers, it’s time for 

some more cartoons. Fnntarstic! 

Artwork by X’arts 

6

TOONS 

Feminist corner 

Here at The Niggle magazine we like 

to give a voice to the ignored and 

downtrodden. This month Jessica 

Cytwombly, a barrister at a New York 

firm of solicitors, has her say... 

‘The patriarchy, toxic masculinity, inherent sexism, 

metoo, equality of outcome, the future is female.’ 

It’s a philosophy also known as... 

‘Why sex robots are popular.’ 

7

MUMBO JUMBO... 

THE RELIGION PAGE 

Bing, tiddle, tiddle, 

poop, poop 

THE WISDOM OF THE BUDDHA - PART ONE

An amateur historian has 

claimed that Robert Mugabe’s 

moustache originally 

belonged to Adolf Hitler. 

Eggy Pop, 50, a semi-professional 

water diviner who lives on a 

caravan site near Glastonbury, said his 

grandfather found the smouldering corpse 

of the Nazi dictator in Berlin in 1945. 

“Quick as a flash my grandad got his 

shaving kit out and carefully removed 

Adolf’s moustache, which was then 

preserved in formaldehyde,” he explained. 

“Years later grandpa was working in 

what was then Rhodesia and he sold the 

tash to Mugabe for forty quid.” 

The Zimbabwean embassy dismissed 

the claims, although a moustache claiming 

to be Mugabe’s appeared on African eBay 

last night priced $300,000,000 - or the 

equivalent of a loaf of bread in Harare. 

Mr Pop also claimed, in 1992, to have 

discovered the lost city of Atlantis off 

Colwyn Bay in North Wales. 

My eco job... 

by Pierre Ploppe 

Chair of Fromage de Jean Thomas, 

the French shlong cheese society. 

Fromage de Jean Thomas? Explain. 

Pierre Ploppe: People abuse animals 

and the environment by creating 

cheese from milk, but with 

‘cheese from the pink oboe’, 

we abuse only ourselves. 

How did you discover it 

was a viable comestible 

for the open market? 

PP: Actually my wife did. It 

seems like one minute she was ‘doing 

fieldwork’ and the next minute we were 

selling ‘cheese of the woody womb 

pecker’ at farmer’s markets and craft 

fairs and giving lectures at Women’s 

Institutes and harvest festivals. Who 

would have thought that ‘fromage de la 

silent flute’ could help save the world and 

buy us a second home in Normandy? 

Do you have a favourite way to eat it? 

PP: It goes very well in an omelette 

- but only with dried vegan egg 

of course - with a hoppy craft 

beer to drink. 

Do you feel that men 

who’ve had their ‘turtleneck’ 

chopped off lose out 

by not creating any? 

PP: They do and they thoroughly 

deserve their official victim status. 

Replacement ‘shlong tips’ - or ‘tommy 

tuppence aprons’ - are available. You can 

purchase plastic ones nowadays but we 

A WORD FROM OUR PROPRIETOR, SIR NORBERT 

London’s so dangerous I’m 

moving to the Middle East 

Robert Mugabe’s 

moustache - what 

happens to it now? by Sir Norbert Niggler VC, LGBTQ+ 

Change and decay in all around I see, 

so says our great hymn Abide With 

Me. It applies to Britain, and 

especially London, where I live. 

Our capital city has frankly become 

so dangerous that I have made the 

decision to leave. The time has come. 

The die is cast. I sail tomorrow to 

begin a new life in the Yemen. Yes, 

sail: no one will fly me there. 

Now, I know what you are going 

to say. The Foreign Office has 

advice about my intended new 

home: ‘We advise against all 

travel to Yemen.. If you’re 

in Yemen, you should leave 

immediately. In addition to 

ongoing fi ghting, there’s a threat 

of terrorist attacks, 

kidnap and unlawful 

detention against 

foreigners from 

terrorist groups, 

local militia, 

armed tribesmen 

and criminal groups that have the 

intent and capability to carry out such 

acts.’ 

Sounds like East London to me! 

When did the Foreign Office get so 

bloody windy? Socialist bumboys 

who can’t stand up to a few shouting 

aye-rabs. Weak as kittens! I’ve packed 

my Great Uncle Germanicus’s Webley 

service revolver and enough tinned 

ham to flatten the Ayatollah. 

I like a challenge, and it will be 

a nice rest after Sadiq Khan’s 

London. Will Yemen be so 

very different? I’ll hear the 

call to prayer in the morning 

and gunfire and sirens 

throughout the day. There are 

upsides too. No women 

drivers, and woofters can’t 

mince about acting 

the goat with 

impunity. 

What’s not to 

like? 

don’t advise buying these for environmental 

reasons. 

Don’t you find that when you are 

cultivating this ‘dairy product from 

the old ding-dong’ that your nether 

regions develop an aroma? 

PP: Yes, but revulsion at the pong is 

largely a bigoted social construct, rather 

like saying hippies smell. Yes, they smell 

because they do not wash; they do not 

wash in order to preserve the world’s 

resources. I myself gave up washing in 

2003. 

Thank you, I think. 

PP: Would you like to try some cheese? 

Sorry, I’ve had quite a large 

breakfast. 

9

10

TWADDLE 

IN BRIEF 

TIM BERNERS-DAFT: The 

inventor of the World Wide 

Web Sir Tim Berners-Lee was 

branded ‘a daft cunt’ this week 

after admitting in an interview to 

being concerned that the internet 

was being used mainly for porn 

and terrorism. After Sir Tim 

expressed his surprise over how 

things had turned out, the interviewer 

looked at him and replied: 

“Well what did you think was 

going to happen, you daft cunt?” 

ALL ARE WELCOME: 

The British Association of 

Paedophiles is holding its Spring 

fete on Saturday. Attractions 

include a tombola, cake sale, 

and a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey 

competition. A spokesman for the 

group said: “It promises to be a 

fantastic day, and hopefully the 

weather will hold out. Everyone 

is welcome – young and old.” 

The middle-aged Nigerian ladies warm up before making their half-time announcements 

Middle-aged Nigerian ladies 

to be used as PA systems 

Middle-aged Nigerian ladies are to be 

employed to make announcements at 

football matches to save money on public 

address systems. 

Football clubs will use the women to give 

out safety information, attendance figures 

and general messages, thus getting rid of 

the need to invest in expensive amplification 

equipment. 

The power of the naturally-loud voices 

will be harnessed to make the announcements 

at the half-time interval, as well as 

before and after the game. 

A spokesman for the Football Association 

said: “I can’t believe we haven’t thought of 

this before. And the middle-aged Nigerian 

ladies are all for it.” 

Some safety groups, however, have 

expressed concerns over a perceived 

increase in sound levels. 

A spokeswoman for the Campaign 

Against Loud Noise in Public Places, said: 

“With the removal of the electronic public 

address systems and the employment of the 

middle-aged Nigerian ladies we may see 

sound levels rise slightly. 

“We are very concerned this may have 

a negative effect on people’s hearing and 

could cause permanent damage.” 

But a Government spokesman said: “We 

had our safety guys down at Liverpool’s 

stadium last week for a trial run, and we 

found that the middle-aged Nigerian ladies’ 

voices were as loud as a normal PA system, 

but no louder. 

“So, on the basis of our results, we will 

have no objections to this, and we will be 

recommending that the new initiative of 

employing the middle-aged Nigerian ladies 

can proceed.” 

BLACK PRESIDENT JUST 

AS CRAP AS THE WHITES: 

America’s first black president 

was just as shit as all the white 

ones, Obama supporters 

finally admitted this week. 

Obama fan Jeremy Iddris- 

Belmont, who travelled to 

Washington DC in 2009 to wet 

his knickers at the president’s 

inauguration, said: “Looking 

back over his two terms, I have 

to admit he was just as rubbish as 

all the whiteys.” 

A ‘just as shit’ president, 

yesterday 

11

WIMMIN 

Why Netflix is popular (part 2) 



5.30. Pointless Celebrity Women 

This week’s smugfest celebrities include BBC 

luvvie Professor Alice Roberts and Cathy ‘so 

what you’re saying is’ Newman. 

7.00. Women Shop Well For Less 

This week Alex and Steph are in Milton Keynes 

helping a lesbian couple addicted to cheese & 

onion crisps to cut down to 17 packets a day. 

7.30. Serengeti 

It’s the end of an extraordinary year for the 

female animals of the Serengeti. 

8.00. Homes Under The Hammer 

The refurbishment of properties by women in 

Kent, Cornwall and London. 

9.00. Real Women 

Drama about real women. Not women who 

have been made up, but real women. 

9.30. Real Men 

Sexist, misogynist, uncouth, toxic. That’s what 

they are. 

10.00. The Hairy Women Bikers 

This week the hairy bikers are played by Gina 

Yashere and Sara Millican. 

10.30. Loose Women 

Lively chat that offers a female perspective on 

the world, from the perspective of a group of 

females looking at the world from a uniquely 

female perspective. 

11.00. Who Do You Think You Are? 

I don’t know, who am I? asks Kate Winslet, 

who finds out her ancesters endured hardships 

such as famine, fl ogging and imprisonment 

- very similar to the hardships of a struggling 

actress just starting out in the business. 

12.00. Have I Got Women For You 

Smugfest hosted by Jennifer Saunders. 


Looking at the role of women in the games 

between Manchester City v Arsenal, and 

Leicester v Chelsea. 

5.30. Antiques Road Trip 

Two women scour the emporiums of Sussex. 

They begin their bidding war at auction in the 

town of Battle, where a safe space has been 

created to repel toxic masculinity. 

6.00. Celebrity Egghead Women 

A special female-only edition of the popular 

quiz to prove that a woman can be just as big 

a nerd as a man. 

7.00. Inside the Factory 

Gregg Wallace talks to the women who work in 

a Parisian factory producing a staggering 763 

billion croissants every hour. 


Students are asked questions by a big, rude 

conk. Questions this week cover such diverse 

topics as women, the women’s movement, and 

women. 

9.00. Women and The Beatles 

Women, The Beatles, women, women, The 

Beatles, women, women, women, women, The 

Beatles, women, The Beatles, women. 

9.30. Mock the Week 

A gallery of BBC smugs mocks the week. 

6.50. Shipping forecast 

Looking at misogyny in the areas of Dogger, 

Rockall and Fisher. 

7.00. Tweet of the Day 

The sounds of female birds of paradise, 

recorded in paradise. 

7.45. Non-binary binary 

A ‘woman’ who identifi es as non-binary looks 

at the history of binary numbers and how the 

sequence of ones and zeros are helping 

disabled lesbians in Bangladesh. 



eight records by female artists would you 

take? Drag queen Caitlin Moran picks There’s 

No one Quite Like Grandma by St Winifred’s 

School Choir, among others. 

8.45. Mining Today 

Why aren’t more women working down mines? 

The Crowbar Project aims to gently force more 

women to work in deep, dark, damp, dirty pits, 

whether they want to or not. 

10.00. Gardeners’ Question Time 

Questions include: ‘What can be done to stop 

toxic masculinity among my Freesias and Busy 

Lizzies?’ 

11.00. Black, black, black and black 

What is day-to-day life actually like for black 

women living in the Black Country, whose 

surname is Black, and whose finances are in 

the black? Part 2 of a 567 part series. 

12.30. Woman’s Hour 

The radio programme that offers a female 

perspective on the world, from the perspective 

of a group of females looking at the world from 

a uniquely female perspective. 

2.00. Gay women, black women, 

Asian women and disabled women. 

Gay women, black women, Asian women and 

disabled women discuss issues important to 

gay women, black women, Asian women and 

disabled women. 

2.00. The Sky at Night 

Maggie Aderin Pocock looks at sexism among 

the constellations, and asks ‘is Orion really a 

woman?’ There is also a special report on the 

similarity between rockets and the male ‘old 

chap’. Should rockets be shaped more like a 

female ‘love button’, it asks. 

12 

Naga Boomtittybangbang Shayalaman 

10.00. Live at the Apollo 

Stand-up comedy show starring some funny 

women and a gay fella, and hosted by 

Muslim lesbian comedian and activist Naga 

Boomtittybangbang Shayalaman. 

3.15. Women 

Women, women, women, women, women, 

women, women, women, women, women, 

women, women, women, women. Part 4. 

5.00. Weather forecast. 

Women adversely affected by torrential rain. 

For more BBC listings check out www.why-netflix-is-popular.co.uk

PRIVILEGED WHITE MEN 

Homeless men launch campaign to 

help struggling Hollywood actresses 

Group of male rough sleepers hitch-hike to Cannes to raise 

money for Cate Blanchett, Jane Fonda and Kristen Stewart 

The group of homeless men on the steps at Cannes, yesterday 

Five straight, white, homeless men 

travelled to Cannes this week to highlight 

the struggle faced by Hollywood actresses 

“every, single day”. 

The group, who hitch-hiked the 900 

miles from their rough-sleeping area in 

East London, headed to the steps of the 

Cannes Film Festival to “stand united” 

with the Hollywood actresses - and to 

crack open 27 cans of Special Brew and 

White Lightning cider. 

One of the men, Terry, 53, said: “Even 

from our lofty position on the streets of 

London we can empathise with how these 

actresses are really struggling to get recognised 

and to get decent pay for their work. 

So we thought we would come along to 

offer our support.” 

Another member, Big Phil, 23, said: 

“Because we see actresses all the time on 

TV and in Hollywood films it’s easy to 

forget about them and just ‘walk on by’. 

This needs to stop. Period. Ha, ha, I’ve just 

said the word ‘period!’” 

The men will stay in Cannes until the 

end of the week, or until Sweaty Dave’s hat 

is full of coins, whichever is sooner. 

Simpsons cast branded hideously yellow 

The Simpsons has been slammed by an activists 

group this week for its “lack of diversity”. 

The National Association for the Advancement of 

Disabled Big-Boned Women of Color has attacked 

the cartoon, describing it as “hideously yellow” and 

calling for more non-yellow parts to be included in 

the show. 

Countering the allegations, a spokesman for The 

Simpsons said: “[sigh].” 

Yellow and hideous: 

If you squint your 

eyes while watching 

The Simpsons, this 

is what it looks like 

13

Smoking – the plus points 

The Niggle team loves a good snout, that’s 

a given, but you only seem to hear about 

the bad side of cigarettes – the cancer, the 

smell, how antisocial it is, the diseases, 

the addiction. Well we feel it’s time to 

redress the balance, so here are some of 

the many advantages of sparking up: 

1. It’s really cool. Who would fail to be 

impressed by the sight of a burning stick 

poking from your gob? That’s right, no one. 

2. It shortens your life. The world is a harsh 

place and life can be tough. Think about it. 

3. It makes you look older. Handy for 

fraudulent applications for free bus passes, 

sneaking into football grounds using a 

cheaper pensioner’s ticket, etc etc. 

4. Fags are expensive, so ploughing all 

your spare cash into boxes of gaspers 

means less money wasted on 

expensive gym membership 

or pilates classes. 

Smoking – Maybe it’s 

time to give it a go? 

WARNING: SMOKING KILLS. YOUR DOCTOR OR YOUR PHARMACIST CAN HELP YOU STOP SMOKING

RELIGION OF PEAS 

Chez Akbar: Authentic Parisian eatery opens in London 

C 

A b 

A new restaurant aiming to provide a 

typical French dining experience has 

opened this week in central London. 

Chez Akbar hopes to thrill diners by 

offering the following culinary experience: 

9pm. Aperitifs. 

9.20. Starter: Salmon mousse. 

10.05. Main course: Parisian-style 

shrimp stew. 

11.15. Islamic lunatic runs in, sprays 

bullets at diners while shouting 

Allahu Akbar. 

11.16. Second lunatic in a van mows 

down fleeing diners outside. 

11.30. Dessert: Profiteroles. 

Cooling towers jump on bandwagon 

This is what 

a feminist 

looks like 

#metoo 

15

IN BRIEF 

MENTAL ILLNESS FEATURE 

Ron Perlman named as 

next Wonder Woman 

‘One step nearer equality and gender fluidity’, 

say feminists as monkey-faced actor Perlman 

is set to play the DC Comics’ superheroine 

Some potato printing by the 

vandal Banksy, yesterday 

THE VANDAL BANKSY: 

The vandal Banksy has been 

given a special award for “stating 

the obvious”. Banksy, whose 

stencils and potato prints have 

appeared on walls across the 

world, often tackles subjects 

as diverse as war, greed and 

big business. An Arts Council 

spokesman said: “This award is 

to thank the vandal Banksy for 

telling us that war is bad and big 

businesses are greedy. Thank God 

there are people like him around, 

otherwise we’d all be in the dark 

about this sort of thing.” 

BIG JIHADI: A wrestling match 

organised by the Islamic State 

group has been pulled because of 

poor ticket sales. An undercover 

BBC reporter said the match was 

thought to feature a heavyweight 

wrestler known as Big Jihadi, 

who often threatened to blow 

himself up if he lost a fight. An IS 

spokesman admitted the war-torn 

city of Aleppo wasn’t the most 

welcoming of venues and said 

they may now move the bout to 

Madison Square Garden instead. 

NOT A GAY DAY: The BBC 

has apologised for not being able 

to find “a gay” to take part in 

its new book review television 

show Chapter and Diverse. A 

BBC spokesman said: “We found 

an Asian, a black, a woman, a 

disabled person – even a blind 

Swede. But we couldn’t get our 

hands on a gay. We’d like to say 

sorry for any offence caused.” 

Gender equalitists have reacted with delight 

after actor Ron Perlman was named as the 

next Wonder Woman. 

Coming in the wake of the first female 

timelord Doctor Who, Perlman is the first, 

and only, man to take on the iconic DC 

Comics character. Traditionally portrayed 

on screen – as a woman – by such actresses 

as Lynda Carter and Gal Gadot, it is unclear 

what the hulking, plasticined, very-slightly-inflated-faced 

Perlman will bring to the 

role. 

When asked what he was going to do differently 

to all the previous incarnations of 

Wonder Woman, Perlman said: “I think I’m 

TRADITIONAL 

going to bring a touch of femininity to the 

role, which has been lacking of late. 

“I’m going to show the softer side of 

Wonder Woman and demonstrate to cinema 

audiences that she’s not all about superhuman 

powers and the ‘lasso of truth’. It will 

be something more sensual.” 

It is hoped Perlman’s gender role switcheroo 

will enable more thespians to step into 

parts traditionally held by the opposite sex – 

such as a female President Lincoln or Scott 

of the Antarctic. 

Disney said there was no truth in the 

rumour that French fatso Gerard Depardieu 

had been lined up to play Mary Poppins. 

PERLMANAL 

17

BRAVE HEARTS 

Bravery awards for comedians 

who joke about Christianity 

Edgy standups honoured 

Comedians who make jokes 

about Christianity, Jesus and the 

Church are to be given medals 

for their “outstanding bravery”. 

Many edgy standup comics 

continue to do routines on stage 

about Christians, with absolutely 

no thought for their own safety or 

any potential consequences. 

A spokesman for the British 

Armed Forces said: “The bravery 

of these comedians is staggering. 

They’re seemingly unconcerned 

about potential fatwas, being 

blown up, or having a maniac 

track them down and spray them 

with bullets. 

“It is only right that they are 

honoured in this way.” 

This year’s ceremony will see 

the medals dished out by BBC 

comedian Steve Punt. 

Free unicycles for smelly jugglers 

The UK government is to dish out 

free unicycles to smelly jugglers 

on climate change marches after 

complaints about the lack of the 

one-wheeled bikes at protests. 

A government spokesman said: 

“We received a petition of 25,000 

names – which included Eddie 

Izzard and JK Rowling – and we 

decided to act. We are also looking 

at giving out free bongos at Brexit 

marches.” 

A massed crowd of smelly jugglers. 

And now they’ll be given unicycles 

Cathy Newman 

reports herself 

for not being 

diverse enough 

The broadcaster Cathy Newman 

has written to herself to raise 

concerns that she is not diverse 

enough. 

In an email sent to herself, the 

Channel 4 newsreader said: 

“The lack of diversity in me, Cathy 

Newman, is staggering. Straight, 

white, middle-class, Charterhouse 

and Oxford educated. 

“Where is the black lesbian 

in me? Where is the disabled 

transsexual? 

“For heaven’s sake, sort yourself 

out Cathy Newman.” 

A Channel 4 spokeswoman said: 

“We are considering blacking her 

up – that’s definitely an option at 

the moment.” 

Diversity 

concerns: 

A cartoon 

Cathy 

Newman, 

yesterday 

18

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ISSUE 3 Winter 2019/20 FREE Twitter @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 


Driving a gritter lorry through 

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THE NIGGLE 


The Niggle Magazine is an 

online publication that comes 

out every two months (approx) 

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team of European writers and 

an African cartoonist (Look at 

us, how diverse are we, how 

diverse are we!). It is put 

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OUR MAGAZINE: 

‘Speaking as a non-binary 

maths teacher who will 

not use ones and zeros... 

I’d give you a D minus.’ 

‘Speaking as a 1970s 

South American dictator 

with a dodgy ticker and 

lazy eye... your brand of 

zany humour pleases me 

yes.’ 

‘Stop it.’ Anonymous. 

Stop 

showing 

off 

WORLD OF WOKE 

Doing the wokey cokey 

Welcome to issue three of the newish 

magazine that’s always reaching out to the PROPAGANDA: 

Lesbian, Gay, British Telecom and Queer In case you missed them, here 

(LGBTQ) community. 

are some recent tweets to 

And speaking as a gay Tunisian leper promote our rag: 

with motor neurone disease I really hope 

you enjoyed the last two editions. If The Niggle Magazine... 

you missed them, don’t forget to check 

them out once you’ve devoured this fella It chooses its lamb chops based 

(whoops, gendered language). 

on the sexuality and ethnicity of 

So, what’s new? Well, for a start we’ve the shepherd. 

got more cartoons. A whole three-anda-half 

pages, courtesy of our excellent Currently appearing in The 

cartoonist X’Arts - including a brand new Vagina Monologues because it’s 

strip Safe-Space Samantha, as well as The a ‘big fan of monologues and also 

Crazy Mullahs (who are entertaining at a big fan of vaginas’. 

an Extinction Rebellion protest) and more 

shenanigans from Five Gays Named Mo. Just a rich Westerner with little 

Apart from that it’s more of the same to do, so it has to invent things to 

nonsense. There’s a photo of Martin get o ended by. 

Luther King’s underpants; there’s more 

wise words from the Buddha; Colonel Manning the diesel generator 

Gaddafi makes an unexpected appearance at Extinction Rebellion’s vegan 

in the bagging area; and - and this is the sausage stall. 

big one - God finally reveals why there is 

so much suffering in the world. An exclusive. 

Just for you. How’s about that then? none. 

Reaching out to no faiths and 

And it’s all free. 

Enjoy the magazine. 

The publication that likes to give 

Ed it 137 per cent. 

PS. Please be aware that our preferred 

pronoun this month is Zir. 

Check out our letter of the month... 

I have a penis and so has my wife 

Dear Ed 

I have a penis, and it turns out my wife 

has one as well. Which came as a bit of 

shock on our wedding night I can 

tell you. 

I was rather disappointed 

that she did not tell me, 

but I have since been 

informed by the Metropolitan 

Police that if 

I complain about it then 

that would be transphobic, 

and I will face criminal hate 

charges. 

Brian, which is what I call her - not 

because she has a dangler, but because, 

funny as it may seem, it is her actual 

name - eventually came clean once the 

cat was well and truly out of the bag. But 

it turns out there is a positive side to this 

rather curious turn of events. 

So what is it? Well Brian could not get 

pregnant (I know, bizarre) so we 

went to see our doctor who said 

Brian was a man and could 

not have children. So we 

successfully sued the NHS 

for £2.2billion for assuming 

his gender. 

Now we are going on the 

trip of a lifetime! Brian has 

My wife Brian 

always wanted to go to Canada 

to get his balls waxed, so we’re 

jetting off next week. Every cloud eh? 

Laters! 

Big Dave 

Via email

TOONS - FIVE GAYS NAMED MO 

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3

Want to advertise with us? 

Tough!

NEANDERTHALS 

A photograph of a Neanderthal family, taken 40,000 years ago. 

But when the males went out on the lash it was a more raucous affair. 

Neanderthals swore 

and fought at primitive 

pubs - just like today 

Skeleton found clutching can of lager 

New archaelogical evidence has come to 

light showing that Neanderthals stood outside 

primitive pubs at weekends grunting, 

swearing and fighting - just like English 

male Neanderthals today. 

The 40,000-year-old skeleton, which 

was discovered in Watford town centre, 

Not sorry for any offence caused 

A celebrity who said something 

offensive this week has refused 

to apologise “for any offence 

caused”. 

In what some are calling 

an astonishing outburst, the 

celebrity said: “If I did offend 

anyone, GOOD! Grow up.” 

A spokesbeing for the Society 

for Taking Permanent Offence 

said: “We find this statement 

extremely offensive. He should 

apologise for any offence 

caused.” 

England, was found still clutching a can of 

cheap lager - with the other hand “giving it 

the finger”. 

One archaeologist said: “We examined 

the jaw and position of the mouth using a 

new scientific technique and he seemed to 

be saying ‘F*ck off you c*nt’.” 

The celebrity’s 

response was said 

by some to be 

‘unsatisfactory’ 

IN BRIEF 

SUFFERED ENOUGH? A 

new charity has been set up that 

transports annoying journalists 

into troubled, war-torn regions. 

Mehdi Hasan Sans Frontieres has 

hundreds of irritating journalists 

on its roster who can be flown in 

at a moment’s notice to increase 

the suffering of people in crisis 

situations. Apart from Mr Hasan, 

others on the charity’s list include 

Polly Toynbee, George Monbiot 

and Yasmin Alibhai-Brown. The 

charity’s actions are guided by 

the principles of irritability, faux 

outrage and virtue signalling. 

CHRIST JUST A DREAM: 

A Christian preacher has realised 

that a vision of Jesus appearing 

to him in a dream was “just a 

dream”. Pastor Amos P Sullenberg 

III said: “I heard the word of the 

Lord. Initially I thought he was 

going to show me a new path of 

righteousness, but he asked me if 

I’d be up for taking him to Vegas 

to see Celine Dion in concert. It 

was at that point I realised it was 

just a dream.” Pastor Sullenberg 

said he would now reappraise 

previous visions, including one 

where Christ complained that 

Penn & Teller had stolen his 

‘walking on water’ magic trick. 

BURKA BLUNDER: 

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson 

has been criticised yet again 

for likening women in burkas to 

“letterboxes”. One critic said: 

“Saying that people who are wearing 

this garment look like letterboxes 

is outrageous and wrong. 

Everyone can see it looks nothing 

like a letterbox. It looks more like 

an overturned, slightly inflated 

dustbin bag, or maybe London’s 

Gherkin building if it was painted 

black. But not a letterbox. Where 

does Boris get his ideas from?” 

A letterbox, yesterday 


5

TOONS - SAFE SPACE SAMANTHA 

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TOONS - SAFE SPACE SAMANTHA 


7


Go 

away

Science news 

Gay people were 

invented in 1953 

Gays were invented in 1953, UK scientists 

have revealed this week. 

Evidence recently uncovered by a 

carbon-dating team at Upspeak University, 

Oxford, appears to show a complete lack 

of gayness before December 10, 1953. 

Doctor Dave ‘Spud’ Pearson, who led 

the research team, said: “These tests are 

pretty conclusive, and they show that 

shirt-liftery was completely non-existent 

before that date. 

“As to how the gay flounced on to the 

scene, maybe future experiments will solve 

that?” 

When this magazine put it to Dr Pearson 

that legendary “players of the pink oboe” 

such as Oscar Wilde, were around long 

before 1953, he would only say: “Nahhhh! 

Don’t believe you.” 

Two bald gay men. 

But did gayness 

exist before 

1953? 

There comes a time in every man’s 

life when he has no further need of 

his penis. And I, Sir Norbert Niggler, 

esteemed proprietor of this humble 

rag, now has no need of his wiggler. 

What, I hear you cry, has the fella 

gone mad? Nope. I have begun to 

transition to womanhood. 

Why? Because I’ve always wanted 

to be a sportsman who wins trophies 

but I’ve always been useless. But by 

putting on a pink lycra leotard and 

registering as a lady, I can beat the 

girls all the way to the top! Cycle 

racing? I’ll have some. Sprinting? 

I’m the Usain Bolt of women’s 

running. The only ones I can’t 

beat are those Russian shotputter 

types, but they’ve 

always been dudes in 

disguise haven’t they? 

Me and Lady Winifred 

had a send-off party for the ‘old 

chap’. He’s been a 

good and faithful 

servant but the pain 

of separation has 

been mitigated by 

the fun of joining 

my local women’s 

A WORD FROM OUR PROPRIETOR, SIR NORBERT 

By turning ‘trans’ I am now the 

Usain Bolt of women’s running 

by Sir Norbert Niggler VC, LGB, TQ+ 

rugby club. My God, the 

antics in the bath afterwards! 

Of course, some women cut up 

rough about us trans athletes. That’s 

fascist tosh of the first water! One 

minute they’re yelling about equality, 

the next minute they’re whining about 

upper body strength differentials. 

What’s it going to be, ladies? Fair 

enough, I haven’t seen many womento-men 

trans types wanting to compete 

on World’s Strongest Man. 

Moreover women have a natural 

advantage in some sports. Take all 

that floor-scrubbing in Curling. What 

man could do that as well as a 

woman? Amazing how 

evolution got it wrong. 

You’d think their cupcakes 

would get in the way of the 

scrubbing/polishing action. 

Right, I’m off for a perm 

and to get me balls waxed: 

I’m fully woman but, in the 

end, I couldn’t bear to 

be parted from 

them. Equality! 

Diversity! Sing 

it loud, gentle 

readers! 

White student sues college over 

not getting an Asian girlfriend 

A university student has served papers 

at the High Court suing Balliol College, 

Oxford, for £6.2m in damages because 

he did not get an Asian partner during 

his time there. 

Bisexual Dylan Twilley-Corcoran 

told The Niggle Magazine: “Not getting 

an Asian girlfriend or boyfriend, 

or indeed an ethnic intersex partner, 

damaged my social life and therefore 

damaged my mental health. 

“I suffered with depression because 

of a lack of my partner of choice. 

“It highlights the glaring lack of 

BAME students at Oxford as well as 

Balliol’s basic failing in a duty of care. 

“I also missed out on having a smug 

demeanour, a diversity erection, and 

pretending I like Bhangra music.” 

Mr Twilley-Corcoran, who is now 

captain of The Brown Sugar, an NGO 

migrant rescue boat in the Med, said that 

he missed out on key dinner parties for 

networking because he did not have an 

Asian partner. “Oxbridge racism needs 

sorting out,” he said. 

Comment: Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, 

Page 237 

Vibrancy: Some Asian women, above; but 

Mr Twilley-Corcoran couldn’t woo one 


9

TOONS - THE CRAZY MULLAHS 


IN BRIEF 

HEY, IT’S ONLY SATIRE, DON’T WET YOURSELF 

GUNMAN ‘NOT A LONER’: 

A gun-toting maniac who sprayed 

bullets at a group of shoppers in 

an Ohio mall killing 23 people 

was “not a loner who kept himself 

to himself”. A neighbour of the 

gunman said: “He had a lot of 

friends, was very sociable, and he 

was extremely active in the 

community - getting involved in 

charity work and suchlike. He also 

didn’t post videos on YouTube 

showing him shooting guns or 

mouthing far-right slogans. All 

this should have rung alarm bells 

earlier and lives could have been 

saved. Shame on the police.” 

I HAVE A BRIEF DREAM: 

A first draft of Martin Luther 

King’s I Have A Dream speech 

has been discovered in the US 

National Archives showing that, 

originally, the speech focused 

mainly on a dream of Dr King’s 

where he went to school in just his 

underpants. Dream psychologist 

Dr Jesse P Spink said: “It’s a 

classic anxiety dream. Thank 

God he subsequently had a more 

important dream and was able 

to change his speech before the 

march on Washington.” 

Dr King’s underpants 

PARALYMPICS PULLED: 

The 2020 Paralympics have been 

cancelled because of a lack of 

disabled access at many of 

the venues. Italy’s wheelchair 

basketball team, who flew to 

Tokyo recently for meetings with 

organisers, said they found they 

had to cross a ploughed field to 

get to the stadium and then abseil 

300ft down a vertical wall to the 

basketball court. Spain’s blind 

footballers also said they had to 

walk across four lanes of fast 

motorway traffic to get to the 

pitch. A spokesman said: “It’s not 

good enough to be quite honest.” 

Walking ahead: 

‘Selfish’ 

Predators call 

on women to 

stop walking 

ahead of them 

‘It’s making us nervous’, say rapists 

Sexual predators have asked that women 

don’t walk 20 yards in front of them in dark 

streets because “there’s a good chance they 

could hear us approaching and do a runner”. 

One dangerous pervert said he was “outraged” 

over women’s behaviour, which was 

“making him nervous” over whether his evil 

crimes could be carried out successfully of 

an evening. 

He said: “If a woman is walking in front 

Our baby’s first word was ‘diversity’ 

A North London couple said they were 

“thrilled to bits” after their newborn baby 

uttered the word “diversity” only three 

hours after being born. 

Doctors said that baby Beowulf looked 

up at the diverse group of hospital staff, 

blinked, smiled and then said the word. 

Parents Sara and Jeremy Brown-Thomas 

said it was “hapsalutlay fnnnntarrrstic”. 

of us they can often hear our footsteps and 

either cross the road or quicken their pace. 

It’s not on. 

“All I’m asking for is a level playing field 

that’s all.” 

He called on the Government to force 

women to walk a few feet behind rapists, 

thus lulling potential victims into a false 

sense of security and allowing a predator to 

turn with “the element of surprise”. 


11

HEAR DE WORD OF DE LORD 

God finally answers the question 

‘Why is there so much suffering?’ 

‘Because I don’t like you’, says Supreme Being 

Finally, the answer to our prayers. 

God has spoken and told us all the 

answer to the question that has 

stumped theologians for thousands 

of years. Why is there so much 

suffering in the World? 

Speaking through his agent, a 

Mr Terry Cherubim of Liverpool, 

England, the Supreme Being said: 

“I just don’t like any of you, it’s as 

simple as that.” 

Mr Cherubim said: “So there you 

have it. God won’t be taking any 

further questions at this moment in 

time.” 

Climate catastrophe 

Cyclones are the fault of 

straight, white men, according 

to new research published by 

students at Oxford University. 

Despite scientific data showing 

that the typhoons are caused by 

a certain set of meteorological 

conditions, the Oxford students 

claim that their research shows 

otherwise. 

Gender Studies student 

Emmelina Alibhai-Brown said: 

“It’s pretty much a no brainer. 

As the population of straight, 

white males increased across 

the globe, so did the number 

of cyclones. You don’t have to 

be a qualified meteorologist to 

work out that the two things are 

related.” 

12 

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5.30. The Natural World 

The touching story of two Polar bear cubs 

undertaking a journey across an icy wilderness 

as they struggle to survive a bitter winter and 

the tyrannical patriarchy. 

7.00. A Christmas Carol 

The classic tale by Charles Dickens with Olivia 

Colman as Ebenezer Scrooge and Helen 

Mirren as Bob Cratchit. 

7.30. Countryfile 

The Countryfile team asks “What can be done 

to increase the number of gay and disabled 

plough-people in the ploughing community?” 

8.00. Great British Christmas dinner 

A turkey roast is the nation’s traditional festive 

meal. But how will this Xmas feast it be affected 

by the forthcoming climate catastrophe. 

9.00. EastEnders 

Lots of shouting. 

9.30. Norton’s Shitfest 

Chat show with Graham Norton. 

10.00. Winter’s Weirdest Events 

Penguins throw themselves off an ice shelf 

after learning that Eddie Izzard is on his way to 

Antarctica to make a programme about climate 

change. 

10.30. Secrets of Cinema 

Mark Kermode looks back at a time when 

fi lmmakers made fi lms just because they had a 

good story and were entertaining. 

11.00. Ghosts 

Why are most ghosts men? And what does this 

say about discrimination among the spectre 

community? Should quotas be introduced 

to ensure more female ghosts are given the 

chance of a haunting? 

12.00. Have I Got News For You 

Have you now? Have you really? 


Looking at the role of Asian women in the 

games between Liverpool v Manchester City, 

and Arsenal v Chelsea. 

2.00. Wonders of the Universe 

Professor Brian Cox looks at how Brexit and 

the Tories caused the Big Bang - creating 

chaos across the Universe that lasted for 

billions of years. 


The big, rude conk is back. He knows all the 

answers - he’s got them written down. 

6.00. Fisherpeople 

Icelandic fisherpeople meet up with English 

fi sherpeople to discuss the Cod Wars. The 

programme asks “What can the fisherpeople of 

today learn from the struggles of fisherpeople 

in the past?” Presented by Femi Oluwole. 

7.00. Top Gear 

Freddie Flintoff and Paddy McGuinness check 

out a campaign to get more blind drivers into 

Formula One. Paddy asks: “What could go 

wrong?” 

8.00. Mock the Week 

Overpaid smugs take the licence-payers’ 

shilling and mock the week by looking at the 

week slightly differently from the rest of us in 

an off-centre fashion. 

9.00. Cunk on Britain 

Philomena Cunk trots out her ‘I’m a bit of a 

doozy’ whimsy for the 385th time this year. 

9.30. Romesh Ranganathan - best bits 

Next programme follows in five minutes. 

Fisherpeople, BBC2, 6pm 

9.35. Not From The Apollo 

Stand-up comedy show where a Northern 

audience throws bread rolls at Nish Kumar 

while he’s trotting out his ‘Brexiteers are really 

stupid’ schtick. 

6.00. Today 

Yawn. 


BBC 

7.45. Great Lives 

The programme where a minor celebrity picks 

someone from history who has inspired them. 

This week journalist and drag queen Caitlin 

Moran picks Caitlin Moran as her great life. 



eight records would you take? Writer and 

broadcaster Bonnie Greer picks Whispering 

Grass by the It Ain’t Half Hot Mum team, and 

Ernie The Fastest Milkman in the West, by 

Benny Hill, among others. 

8.45. The Goon Show remembered 

A look back to when Radio 4 comedy shows 

were innovative and funny. A panel of BBC 

standup comedians examines how comedy 

has, thankfully, moved on from the 1950s 

mindset of ‘being funny’ to a more inclusive, 

head-nodding, chin-stroking type of humour. 


This week the programme disappears up its 

own woke arse. With Jane Garvey. 

11.00. Last Word 

Matthew Bannister celebrates the lives of 

famous and less well-known people who have 

recently kicked the bucket, popped their cloggs 

and expired. 

12.30. The Moth Radio Hour 

All the latest news for moths from around the 

globe. 

2.00. Sandi Toksvig. 

Sandi Toksvig, Sandi Toksvig, Sandi Toksvig 

and Sandi Toksvig discuss Sandi Toksvig. 

Part 27 of a 389 part series. 

3.15. The Listening Project 

Members of the public share conversations 

that have been vetted and approved by a BBC 

panel, making sure that real people don’t say 

anything that could be deemed offensive by 

the wokerati. 

5.00. Beyond Belief. 

Writers Lucy Mangan and Frank Cottrell-Boyce 

discuss the religious message behind The 

Dad’s Army Annual 1977. 

5.30. Ted Talks 

A bloke called Ted talks. 


13

FATIMATRONIC 

Fatima undercover 

Our reporter spent a wet day with a ladies 

synchronised swimming team in north London 

Soggy burka. That’s all I 

can say. Why they can’t 

make these things waterproof 

I’ll never know? 

Yes, I realise you can 

get burkinis nowadays. 

But they reveal too much 

foot flesh - an ungainly 

garment favoured by 

whores, courtesans, lot 

lizards, alley cats, ladies 

of easy virtue, Winchester 

geese and mud kickers. 

So I gave it a go, still 

in full veil. It took a few 

attempts to be able to 

dive into the pool without 

trappng air - causing me 

to inflate like a rotund 

plum pudding (known, 

in the business, as ‘doing 

a Blackford’) but I did 

manage it eventually. 

The extra drag caused 

by my water-soaked 

heavy clothes meant that 

I got tired quicker than 

the other girls, so I called 

it a day after about three 

minutes. 

Never mind. They 

couldn’t criticise me 

because that would be 

racist. Toodle pip! 

Fatima, who asked for her face to be pixellated 

to hide her identity, dons a pair of goggles and 

tries out synchronised swimming, left 


EQUALITYWALLITY 

Male criminals call for many more 

Oceans films with all-female cast 

Men’s group: ‘Although most prisoners are male, it’s important 

to show that women can also be robbing, thieving scumbags’ 

A group of male ex-cons have decided to 

go public to praise the producers of the 

2018 blockbuster Ocean’s 8 for “at last 

showing that women can also be robbing, 

thieving scumbags, just like men”. 

A spokesman for the Wisconsin Felons 

Forum said: “Even though most criminals, 

and therefore most prisoners, are male, 

it’s important that women are given a fair 

crack of the whip to show moviegoers that 

they can also form gangs composed of 

lying, robbing, thieving trash. 

“And so, even though - statistically - it’s 

an unfair portrayal of women, we’re happy 

to see that fact brushed under the carpet for 

the sake of balance. Oceans movies with an 

all female cast - More of them please!” 

Won an Oscar? Not sure what 

to include in your speech? 

Here’s our helpful guide... 

Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump 

stupid; Men bad, Trump is stupid; Men bad, 

Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; Men 

bad, Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; 

Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; 

Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump 

stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad, 

Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; Men 

bad, Trump is stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; 

Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump is really 

stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad; Trump 

stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump 

stupid; Men bad, Trump is stupid; Men bad, 

Trump stupid; Men bad, Trump stupid; Men bad 


17



‘I may not be a lady, but I’m all woman, 

from Monday to Wednesday... 

from Thursday I’m non-binary’ 

THE WISDOM OF THE BUDDHA - PART TWO

Aye up! 

Meet the 

readers... 








websites. You 




niggle 

VERB 


If you have 



magazine then 



us on Twitter 


and stop 

showing 

off!

THE NIGGLE MAGAZINE 

The publication that 

showed no emotion as the 

sentence was read out 

Follow us on Twitter 

@nigglemagazine

Issue 4 this way


ISSUE 4 Spring 2020 FREE Twitter: @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 


A look inside the woke brain

THE NIGGLE 




times a year and is produced 

by a small team of European 

joke writers and an African 

cartoonist (Look at us, how 

diverse are we, how diverse 

are we!). It is put together at 

various internet cafes and free 

wifi hotspots across London, 

UK. Email nigglemagazine@ 

protonmail.com or you can 

check out our Twitter site at 

@nigglemagazine. But please 




humour. And that wouldn’t do. 





www.nigglemagazine.com if 

you would like to donate. 










OUR MAGAZINE: 

‘Speaking as an Avian 

Flu survivor suffering 

from an Abdominal Aortic 

Aneurysm your rag has 

next to nothing to interest 

me or fellow sufferers.’ 

‘Speaking as a femxle cis 

womxn who occasionally 

identifies as nxn-bxnary, 

what you are producing 

is complete toilet.’ 

Stop 

showing 

off 

Is everything racist yet? 

Well, what a strange few months we’ve 

had here in the UK. 

Elected Members of Parliament on 

TV saying that babies are born without 

gender; grown adults flocking to worship 

at the feet of an ‘end of the world is nigh’ 

teenager; groups of female protesters 

getting their Charlies out on Westminster 

Bridge to protest about climate change; 

and Finnish anti-rape campaigners singing 

about their ‘no-no square’. Who needs 

satire? 

Is everything racist yet by the way? The 

list just gets bigger by the day. And what 

happens when everything in the entire 

world is branded racist? Where do we go 

from there? Maybe, at that point, we can 

start arguing about what is the most and 

least racist. Is a plate of egg and chips, for 

instance, more racist than a telescope? 

I think the jury’s out on that one. 

Even Hitler’s racist now apparently. I 

know, what’s the world coming to? Some 

member of the wokerati has been through 

the Fuhrer’s old tweets (yep, too much 

time on their hands or what?) and found 

a few unsavoury things he’s said. Cancel 

culture eh! 

Until next time, enjoy. 

Ed 

‘Fresh evidence reveals Hitler 

was actually a racist’, page 12. 

PROPAGANDA: 



promote our lowly rag: 


No-No Square Dancing 

champions 2020. 

It steered Noah’s Ark down a 

log flume 

Identifying as non-binary on 

Thursdays and Sundays. 

The magazine that plays the ‘Call 

To Prayer’ on a kazoo. 

Diversity, inclusivity, painting and 

decorating. All jobs considered. 

Divisive one-sided woke agitprop. 

It’s not bothered who it employs, 

as long as they have a vagina. 

Fighting the culture wars with a 

plastic sword and a spud gun. 

Young, gifted and slack. 

WORLD OF WOKE 

Drip, drip, splat: Some bird lime 

Some of the best tweets we’ve had recently... 

You are not funny. Really. 

@policing_humour 

We want to have your baby. 



mickey out of the Methodists would 

you? 



up. 


Engineering works are taking place 

on South Western Railways network 

today. Check before you travel. 

@SW_Help 

Thankyou so much. 



out of Buddhists would you? 

@holy_gas 


blown up. 


Racists, racists, racists, racists, 

racists, racists, racists, racists! 


Our team of writers are fighting 

for your hand in marriage. 


Overturned lorry on Northbound 

A1 causing major travel disruption. 


Yes, sorry about that. 

@nigglemagazine

TOONS - SAFE-SPACE SAMANTHA 


3


Do one

STINKY REBELLION 

IN BRIEF 

BBC RENAMED: The BBC is 

to be renamed ‘Middle Class 

Right-Ons Working Hard To Tutor 

The Working Classes Who Are 

Obviously Thick Racists And 

Sexists And Therefore Need 

Educating’. A BBC spokesman 

said: “It’s a bit of a mouthful, and 

we may struggle to fit it on a logo, 

but at least it’s accurate.” 

Dreadlocks, juggling 

and performance art 

slows global warming 

Good news for climate protesters 

Extinction Rebellion activists have 

welcomed new research that has found 

dressing like a jidder while pratting about 

on a unicycle in fancy dress actually slows 

down the rise in global temperatures. 

Scientists at Pratts Bottom University 

said they came to the conclusion after 

Large Jihadron Collider opens soon 

A new machine that sends jihadis 

round a circular 27km tunnel at 

the speed of light is to open in 

Switzerland next month. 

The Large Jihadron 

Collider, which is located 

just outside Geneva and 

is 175m below the Earth’s 

surface, will allow a team 

of scientists the chance to 

study what happens when 

Islamic terrorists collide at high 

speeds. 

Detectors will allow physicists 

looking at climate temperature data. 

Prof Rip Winkle, who led the research, 

said: “Warming has slowed recently and 

this coincides with the rise of climate 

protesters crawling on all fours towards a 

broccoli floret dressed as a right tit. The 

two things must be connected.” 

to test the predictions of different 

theories of jihadi physics, including 

measuring the properties of the 

mysterious Higgs Boson (the 

so-called Allah particle) and 

search for the existence of 

the promised 72 virgins - 

as predicted by supersymmetric 

theories - as well as 

other unsolved questions 

relating to the explosive act 

of ‘blowing yersen up’. 

Derek Bibble, Higgs Bosons mate, 

said: “It promises to be interesting.” 

HAMILTON CROWBAR: 

The actual metal tool used to 

crowbar black actors into the story 

of America’s founding fathers is 

up for auction. The musical 

Hamilton, which saw black 

performers playing the part of 

Alexander Hamilton, among others, 

was a hit on Broadway and in 

London’s West End. A spokesman 

for auction house Rice-Christies 

said: “Instead of choosing an 

interesting black story, of which 

there are millions, the producers 

decided to crowbar black actors 

into the founding fathers story. 

So it’s fantastic that we have the 

actual metal tool used to do just 

that. I’m sure it will be very 

popular with bidders.” 

The crowbar, right, is 

likely to reach a high 

price at auction 

Honky Hamilton, above, one of 

America’s founding fathers 


5

TOONS - FAR-RIGHT FLOWER ARRANGING 


‘Make sure humanity uses 

correct gender pronouns’ 

Starving child’s heartbreaking plea to 

father from deathbed in wartorn Syria 

IN BRIEF 

Buddha: 

Doesn’t 

want to 

come back 

as himself 

A malnourished eight-year-old boy’s final 

plea before he died has urged “all people 

everywhere to make sure they are using the 

correct gender pronouns when they address 

someone”. 

The father of the young boy, from the 

war-torn city of Aleppo, spoke on Syrian 

television last week, stating that his son 

specifically stated that “we should not 

assume someone’s gender just because they 

look male, or look female, and that maybe 

it was polite to ask first”. 

The father said that his young son even 

went so far as to say that using the correct 

pronouns should be enshrined into law. 

With tears in his eyes, the youngster’s 

father said: “Even after losing his mother 

and two brothers in a bomb destroying our 

home, and then slowly wasting away due to 

lack of food, my son could still appreciate 

the hurt caused to, say, a trans woman who 

is addressed by the wrong pronoun. 

“I think that just shows the humanity of 

my son, even near death.” 

Diagram, left, 

showing just 

eight genders. 

There are, of 

course, at 

least 3,000 

more 

BUDDHA GRIPE: The Buddha 

has admitted having concerns 

about reincarnation because 

“knowing my luck I’ll come back 

as meself”. In a frank interview 

with Fox News he said: “It’s not 

that I’m having doubts about 

reincarnation itself, it’s just that 

I’d rather come back as someone 

else. You know, someone with a 

six-pack, a silky mane of blond 

hair and small lugs, rather than a 

jug-eared, fat, bald bloke. I mean, 

look at the state of me.” 


7


Well, you can’t

Met Police news 

Police say they will be spending a month 

doing things such as arresting people 

Solving Crimes 

Month begins 

The Metropolitan Police have announced 

they will actually spend a whole month 

solving crimes and arresting burglars, 

rapists and other violent offenders. 

The shock announcement came in the 

middle of the Met’s LGBTQ initiative 

‘Pride in Policing’, where officers drove 

about in a pink car waving rainbow flags. 

A Met spokesman said: “Every now 

and again it’s good to put aside LGBTQ+ 

issues, dancing with climate protesters, 

and questioning people over their Tweets, 

and just focus on protecting the public. 

“Obviously it’s just a bit of fun, and 

once Crime Month has finished we can 

get back to doing what we do best.” 

When mass immigration into Britain 

started all those years ago it was a 

shock for quite a few of us. My 

Great Uncle, Sir Decimus, the Lord 

Beefcurtain of Great Whoopster, was 

especially shocked as he had fought 

at Omdurman in 1898. ‘Last time I 

saw a fuzzy-wuzzy that close he was 

on the end of me bayonet,’ he said 

one day as we were on our way to my 

drinking club White’s. 

Uncle Decimus didn’t hold with 

immigration. Neither did I in those 

days, until one night at White’s when 

my stockbroker Whiffy Babcock 

got roaring drunk and said to us: 

“Don’t you see, you fools, this 

is the biggest supply of slave 

labour since Pharoah Khufu 

put up the pyramids!” 

“Pharoah Khufu,” 

murmured Decimus, who 

was dozing after a surfeit of club 

port, “I seem to recall 

the blighter putting 

himself up for 

membership here. 

I go back a bit, 

y’know.” 

Of course! As 

SIR NORBERT’S BIT 

Ignore ‘stabby, stabby, bang, 

bang’ and get behind UK PLC 

Our elderly proprietor Sir Norbert speaks out 

Whiffy, who later became Tory Party 

Treasurer and the most passionate 

pro-EU member of the CBI, said 

before the Brexit horror: “All the time 

you have armies of workers arriving 

from abroad, your wage costs stay 

lower than Diane Abbott’s IQ!” So 

we in the elite changed our tune and 

counted our share dividends. 

Course, Islam presents problems. 

Nutters come out of jail early and start 

stabbing people. Tricky really. I try to 

avoid ‘em meself. It’s a shame. You 

give ‘em benefits, houses, jobs driving 

Uber cabs, skunk – and the blighters 

still keep up this stabby, stabby, 

bang, bang lark. 

Still, if you do find yourself 

facing a psychopathic 

Mohammedan, don’t 

blench. Remind yourself 

with pride that, if you 

think about it, your sacrifice 

helps Great Britain PLC 

get through the next 

financial quarter. 

I know of no 

more nobler 

cause! 

Mars could join European Union 

A group of passionate Remainers have 

proposed making the planet Mars a 

member of the European Community, it 

has emerged. 

Josh Lmao, 23, is director general of 

Space is Better off in the EU (SBEU), a 

pro-supraplanet government organisation 

not funded by George Soros. 

Mr Lmao said: “We feel that Mars 

would be better off in Europe for a lot 

of reasons: better agriculture and food 

standards, and, should life be discovered 

on the red planet, a useful source of 

staff for the NHS, not to mention the 

beleaguered hospitality sector on 

Britain’s high streets. 

“Now Britain has left the EU it makes 

perfect sense to bring Mars in. We have 

already proposed Antarctica and Yemen 

as new members with a lot to bring to the 

bloc, but in a way that’s aiming too low. 

I want to see Venus in, as well as Jupiter, 

Saturn and Uranus.” 

The group is holding a promotional 

event in Trafalgar Square this week. 

Mr Lmao added: “It’ll be the usual 

thing: lots of graduates and public sector 

workers painting their faces blue and 

feeling teary and superior to everyone 

else. Come on down!” 

The UK’s former deputy Prime 

Minister Nick Clegg said he would be 

prepared to die on Mars if it meant 

getting the planet into the EU. 

Responding to Mr Clegg, a senior 

Westminster source said: “Good. Fuck 

off and do it then.” 


9

TOONS - THE CRAZY MULLAHS 


IN BRIEF 

HEY, IT’S ONLY SATIRE, DON’T WET YOURSELF 

RELIGIONS QUIT: All the 

World’s major religions have 

decided to call it a day after an 

11-year-old girl tweeted: “I don’t 

know why you’re all bothering 

with religion, it’s all a load of 

made-up shite.” Schoolgirl Julie 

Smithee, who lives in Snitherley, 

Wisconsin, said she sent out the 

tweet before she went to sleep 

and was therefore blissfully 

unaware of the Twitter storm that 

ensued during the night. Julie 

said: “When I got up for school 

the next morning my mum told 

me that pretty much every single 

religion had read it and decided to 

stop their nonsense. I didn’t expect 

that to be honest.” 

EVERYTHING’S RACIST: 

The Social Justice Warriors Woke 

Alliance group have released a 

press release saying they have 

now succeeded in branding 

everything in the World “racist”. 

A spokesbeing for the group said: 

“At the end of last year we had 

managed to label about 99 per 

cent of things ‘racist’, but there 

were still one or two things that 

had slipped the net - such as 

giraffes, soft cheese and cable cars 

- but thankfully these have now 

been included.” 

Cable cars: 

Racist 

VIRTUE SIGNAL ON SALE: 

Antique collectors expressed their 

excitement today after a classic 

2019 Virtue Signal went on sale. 

The piece of electrical equipment, 

used on college campuses and by 

many public sector employees, 

consists of a “bright beam of 

simulated virtue” which can be 

projected above the head of any 

member of the wokerati. 

The feminist 

‘aghast face’ 

is protected 

Scowl must be preserved, say historians 

Historians have moved forward with plans to 

document the “feminist facial expression” in a 

series of sketches and photographs - and also 

to trademark the scowl so that future generations 

can use it “as it has always been used”. 

The mix of anger, confusion and scorn 

when confronted with an intelligent counterargument 

- and especially if that argument 

comes from someone who happens to be a 

man - often manifests itself in a look which 

shouts “You’re a product of the tyrannical 

patriarchy - how dare you!”. 

Historian Derek de Simon-de-Montford 

Jabba lookalike ‘no problem with gays’ 

A man who looks like Jabba the Hutt has 

said that he has no problem with gays “as 

long as they keep themselves to themselves”. 

Dave ‘Jabba’ Davis, from Sneathly, West 

Midlands, said he feared “being bummed” 

every time he came within 3ft of a gay man. 

Davis, whose catchphrase is ‘Backs to the 

wall lads, there’s a fruit’, admitted however 

that no gay man had ever approached him. 

said: “The ‘aghast face’ is an important part 

of feminist history - the glazed eyes, the angry 

sneer, the look of astonishment that someone 

has had the audacity to suggest that the ‘gender 

pay gap’ may be a lot more complicated than 

just being about gender - so it’s vital we 

document this. 

“It then means that future generations of 

feministas can refer to these photographs and 

sketches to check they are ‘getting it right’. 

It would be a great shame if the grimace of 

disapproval changed over time to something 

more gentle and friendly.” 

Hutt: No 

looker 


11

WHACKY RACIST 

Evidence shows Hitler 

was ‘actually a racist’ 

He wore a 

sombrero 

at fancy 

dress party 

Seen voting 

for Tories in 

byelection 

New evidence has emerged 

which appears to show that 

Adolf Hitler was a racist and a 

fascist. 

Photographs, papers and old 

reels of film, discovered in a 

trunk buried close to the site of 

the Fuhrer’s bunker in Berlin, 

seem to paint a very different 

picture to the man everyone 

thinks they know. 

One grainy, black and white 

film clip, shot in 1940, shows 

the German dictator indulging 

in “cultural appropriation” as 

he larks around at a fancy dress 

party wearing a sombrero and 

shaking maracas. 

There is also a photograph 

taken on his visit to the UK in 

1937 where he can be clearly 

seen visiting a polling station 

at election time to vote for the 

Conservative Party. 

Transcripts of meetings with 

his inner circle also reveal an 

extensive use of micro-aggressions 

aimed at fellow Nazis, 

and, at a meeting in 1939, he 

is alleged to have referred to a 

Chinese man as “coloured”. 

War historienne Jennifer 

Fairfax-Twilly said: “These 

finds are extremely problematic. 

There have been rumours 

circulating for years that Hitler 

had a racist side to him and now 

this evidence finally proves it. 

“I realise that cancel culture 

comes in for a lot of stick, but 

maybe now it’s time to bite the 

bullet and finally cancel Adolf.” 

He called 

someone 

‘coloured’ 

in 1939 

Used micro 

aggressions 

during war 

meetings 

It’s the world’s worst theme park 

LAMMY 

WORLD 

ATTRACTIONS INCLUDE: 

Off The Rails: A runaway train hurtling further 

and further away from working class voters. 

The Where’s Plod? Waltzer: Moan about the 

lack of police while being totally unaware 

there’s a policeman in the seat behind you. 

Playing The Race Card: Have fun making 

divisive comments in a Wild West theme bar.

WIMMIN 




5.30. Crimewatch Women 

Police appeal to catch those responsible for 

crimes against women. 

7.00. Women Under The Hammer 

The effect of property sales on women in 

Surrey, Staffordshire and the West Midlands. 

7.30. Country Women 

The Country Women team asks “What can be 

done to increase the number of women in the 

country community?” 

8.00. Bargain Women 

A hunt for cheap, yet inspiring, women in the 

Oswestry area. 

9.00. EastFemders 

A one-off female only episode. 

9.30. Master Women 

John Torode and Gregg Wallace preside as six 

women compete in the third week of heats. 

10.00. BBC News 

Looking at the news from a distinctly female 

perspective. Followed by Regional News 

Women. 

10.30. Women of Cinema 

Mark Kermode looks back at classic female 

fi lm stars including Bette Davis, Lauren Bacall 

and Su Pollard. 

11.00. Women From The Apollo 

Women can be funny too you know. I know 

you don’t think so, but they can. Sarah Pascoe 

introduces three funny female comedians who 

were picked on their own merits and not for any 

other reason. 

12.00. Have I Got Women For You 

‘Funny’ news quiz of the week 

1.00. Women of the Day 

Gary Lineker looks at the role of women in the 

games between Leicester v Manchester City, 

and Arsenal v Tottenham. 

2.00. Women of the Universe 

Professor Brian Cox looks at how Brexit and 

the Big Bang caused chaos for women across 

the Universe that lasted for billions of years. 

2.30. Late Night Women 

A panel of women sit round a table, late into 

the night, discussing the issues important to 

women, while pretending they like each other. 

5.30. Ready Steady Women 

Empowered women go back to the kitchen to 

cook dinner for people. 

6.00. Best Women in Town 

Judges check out three inspirational women 

who will be marked on size, colour and decor. 

7.00. Top Gear Women 

Freddie Flintoff and Paddy McGuinness check 

out a campaign to force more women to 

become car mechanics whether they want to 

or not. 

8.00. Mock the Women 

Dara O’Briain asks four women to look at the 

week’s news and make jokes. 

9.00. Cunk on Women 

Philomena Cunk trots out her ‘I’m a bit of a 

doozy’ whimsy for the 1,099th time this year 

but with a focus on women. 

9.30. Great Female Railway Journeys 

Michael Portillo follows his Bradshaw’s Guide 

to look at how the railways adversely affected 

women when they were fi rst built. 

10.00. Tigers: Hunting the Poachers 

A report on the illegal tiger trade in south east 

Asia and how it hits women in the region. 

Don’t shoot! Tiger poaching, 10pm 

11.35. Saving Women At Sea 

A female crew races to the rescue of a 

female diver found unconscious 20 metres 

underwater, and a female windsurfer is caught 

in a storm off the south coast. 

6.00. Women Today 

Morning yawnfest. 

7.45. Great Female Lives 

A female guest picks a woman from history 

who has inspired them. This week writer and 

broadcaster Yasmin Alibhai-Brown picks Dame 

Edna Everage as her great life. 

8.00. Desert Island Women 


eight records by women would you take? 

Oppressed female millionaire Fiona Bruce 

picks her faves. 

8.45. Shipping Forecast 

Viking, Dogger, Humber, Thames, Fastnet. 

Are these area’s too masculine? 


The programme disappears up its own woke 

arse again this week. With Jane Garvey. 

11.00. Farming Today 

Are tractors sexist? And what about fields of 

turnips and swedes? 

12.30. Female National Treasures 

This week Olivia “oooh, ooh, I’m really nervous, 

I don’t know what to say, ooh, ahh, oooh, I 

didn’t deserve this award, ooooh, ahh, oh God, 

I don’t know how this happened.. oooh, I really 

didn’t expect this at all” Colman is elevated to 

national treasure status. 

2.00. Tweets of the Day. 

Bumper edition of back to back recordings 

of female birds in the wild, recorded by an 

all-women team of sound recordists. 

3.15. Loose Ends 

An eclectic mix of female conversation as 

Nikki Bedi speaks to Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Vicki 

Pepperdine, Tanita Tikaram, Suzi Ruffell, Joy 

Crookes and Athena Kugblenu. (this one is 

real - Ed.) 

5.00. Front Row. 

Female representation and diversity in the 

arts. 

5.30. The Food Programme 

Is food sexist? Which foods alienate women? 

Are cafes and restaurants too masculine? And 

if so, how can women possibly prepare their 

own food at home instead, without it looking 

like they’re back in the kitchen? Presented by 

Sue Perkins and Sandi Toksvig. 



13


No!

TYRANNICAL PATRIARCHY 

Feminists flag up patriarchy which 

saw millions of men killed in WW1 

‘Male privilege’ meant men were front of queue for slaughter 

Feminist groups have gathered at London’s 

Cenotaph to protest against the “historical 

patriarchy” which saw millions of “privileged 

men” slaughtered during World War One. 

Emily Boudicca-Heedron from the Women’s 

Equalitywallity Party said: “We are respectfully 

protesting compulsory male conscription – a 

system which saw millions of men chosen – 

ahead of women – to be killed or have their 

limbs blown off in the trenches. It was pure sex 

discrimination – the patriarchy at its worst. 

“We will be campaigning vigorously for only 

women to be conscripted and sent to their 

deaths in future wars – for the sake of equality.” 

WOKE 

HISTORY 

The patriarchy: Privileged men enjoy the First World War trenches 

Hey you lot, how about a 

game of right-on Cluedo? 

That leaked A-level history 

examination in full. 

1) Explain how Napoleon encouraged 

diversity in the Grand Armee. 

2) Compare and contrast two Nazis: 

Adolf Hitler and Winston Churchill. 

3) Explain how VAT registration 

numbers could have stopped the rise 

of the far right. 

4) Identify three ancient Greek poets 

who might have voted Labour. 

5) Demonstrate how Viking societies 

might have benefited from bidets, 

aromatherapy and yoga. 

6) Give examples of transphobia in 

Nelson’s navy and explain Nelson’s 

deathbed gay marriage to Hardy. 

Was it non-binary Plum... in the 

trans lobby.. with the rainbow 

flagpole? 

Or was it Mrs White-Privilege... 

in the gender neutral bathroom 

... with the scented candle?” 

Answer in our next issue. Happy sleuthing 


15

FATIMATRONIC 

Fatima undercover 

Our reporter went incognito to work as a spy - 

infiltrating gambling cheats at a London casino... 

Working as a super spy isn’t as glamorous 

as you’d think. At first I was a little worried 

that I would be recognised, but that was 

soon solved with a simple disguise: a pair of 

Groucho Marx glasses with false nose and 

moustache combination. 

It worked a treat, and meant I could sit 

by the roulette table without anyone batting 

an eyelid. Spotted the crooks in no time and 

arrests were made. Bingo. 

I even had time to play a hand of cards. 

Luckily I kept my poker face and cleared 

up. And don’t say ‘that’s cheating’.. yer 

daft racist! Until next time, toodle pip. 


NORMAL STUFF 

Beware: Saying normal 

stuff is now ‘alt right’ 

The norm: 

Mr Normal, 

aka hardcore 

‘fascist’? 

Saying normal stuff has been branded 

‘alt right’ by social justice organisations 

and anti-hate campaigners. 

People are now being warned not to 

say normal stuff out loud, outside of 

their close circle of friends, in case it 

upsets certain groups. 

Loz Wolf, an actor caught up in the 

alt-right maelstrom, said: “I was on TV 

saying some normal stuff when suddenly 

a large net appeared from nowhere and 

dragged me off to a re-education centre. 

This involved being forced to watch 

Nish Kumar Live at the Apollo and 

having to read old Stewart Lee articles 

from The Guardian. 

“It has certainly made me think twice 

about saying normal stuff again.” 

Anti hate campaigner Rachel 

‘hey-hoe’ Twilley-Corcoran, who 

recently finished a stint on The Brown 

Sugar, an NGO migrant rescue boat 

in the Mediterranean, said: “It’s really 

important that people are aware of the 

consequences of saying normal stuff 

out loud and the negative impact it can 

have.” 

Comment: Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, p237. 

Gay weather forecast 

THE WEEK AHEAD... 

Most areas of the UK will see 

an influx of gayness as Storm 

Trevor brings in unsettled, queer 

conditions, mainly in the North. 

The band of homosexuality 

will move across much of the 

country accompanied by a 

strong breeze, before lesbians 

arrive from the west during the 

early hours. 

A cold, clear spell will follow 

before further fruitery moves 

gradually south, bringing with it 

occasional spells of non-binary 

and transsexual high pressure. 

The end of the week sees 

settled conditions initially, but 

Bottom Marys and Players of 

the Pink Oboe will move in from 

the West later. 


17



‘Just shout ‘racist’ at someone you don’t 

agree with and then smugly pretend 

you’ve won the argument’ 

GUT REACTION: THE WISDOM OF THE BUDDHA

A typical selection of Niggle readers 


niggle 

VERB 


If you have 



magazine then 



us on Twitter 


and stop 

showing 

off!

THE NIGGLE 

MAGAZINE 

Follow us on Twitter @nigglemagazine

Issue 5 this way


ISSUE 5 Summer 2020 FREE Twitter: @nigglemagazine 

THE NIGGLE 


The magazine that’s helping 

out at the bat soup kitchens 

COVID SPECIAL COVID SPECIAL COVID SPECIAL COVID SPECIAL

THE NIGGLE 




times a year and is produced 

by a small team of European 

writers and a cartoonist from 

Africa (Look at us, how diverse 

are we, how diverse are we!). 

It is put together at various 

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Email nigglemagazine@ 

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But please don’t tell us we’re 

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www.nigglemagazine.com for 

more. 










OUR MAGAZINE: 

‘Speaking as an Asian 

pansexual with motor 

neurone disease I found 

your magazine provided 

no comfort at all in these 

troubled times.’ 

‘Speaking on behalf of all 

rich, Western feminists 

with nothing to worry 

about, this magazine 

is obviously written by 

straight, shite men.’ 

Stop 

showing 

off 

It’s our first birthday 

So, nothing much has happened in 2020 

so far has it? I may as well put down my 

feathered quill, lock away my ethically 

sourced ink bottle, and go home. And on 

our first birthday as well! Humbug. 

Well, nothing apart from this Bat AIDS 

rigmarole which apparently is all the rage. 

Of course we’ve found out from the 

Wokerati that the Coronavirus is racist, 

transphobic, sexist and ageist. 

Only four? Only four isms? That’s not 

enough Goddammit! What sort of a wet 

Bottom-Mary of a virus is this? 

Of course one of the upsides of the 

wall-to-wall media virus coverage is we 

haven’t had to listen to constant whining 

about Brexit, BBC funding and gender 

pronouns. Every cloud eh? 

Also, at a time like this, you realise 

who the important people in society are: 

doctors, nurses, supermarket workers, 

pharmacists, refuse collectors, Madonna, 

and emergency plumbers. 

So, anyway, thank you to all the readers 

who are still with us since our launch 

on June 12 last year. We’ll try to keep 

annoying all the right people and try to 

keep making you laugh. 

And if you’re new to our magazine... 

welcome. 

Until next time, enjoy. 

Ed 

PROPAGANDA: 



promote our lowly rag: 


WORLD OF WOKE 

It’s like the Coronavirus .... 

Spreading very slowly and 

no one really wants it. 

Choreographers employed by 

the National Health Service. 

High maintenance, low on 

impact. 

Causing trouble during these 

troubled times. 

The thorn in the side of people 

who don’t like thorns in their 

sides. 

Approximately 17 per cent 

funnier than it was a year ago. 

A crack team of meth-headed, 

dope-noggined scag 

merchants with ambitions. 

Drip, drip, splat: Some bird lime 

The best tweets we’ve had recently... 

You’re not as funny as you used to 

be one year ago. @policing_humour 

We’re ‘funny peculiar’ though. 


One year old and you still daren’t 

take the mickey out of the Baptists. 

Pathetic. 



up. Baptists... nutters! 


Engineering works are taking place 

on that there London rail network 

today. And a happy birthday. 

@Railyway_Helpoid 

We thang-yew. 



out of Catholic priests would you? 

@holy_gasbag 


blown off. 


One year on and you’re still a 

bunch of homophobic bumboys 

who don’t like it up em! 


Reported and blocked. 


Overturned lorry on A1 causing 

major disruption. And a happy first 

birthday to your magazine. 

@Trafficandstuff 

Taa. @nigglemagazine

TOONS - EMERGENCY WARD COVID 


3


Bugger 

off!

VIRUS NEWS 

IN BRIEF 

Coronavirus is ‘sexist, 

ageist, transphobic, 

racist and anti-semitic’ 

Virus made ‘unsavoury remarks’ 

Covid-19 is sexist, ageist, transphobic, 

racist and anti-semitic, just like it says in 

the big headline at the top of this story. 

In a secret recording made by an 

undercover journalist earlier this 

year, the coronavirus can clearly 

be heard saying that women 

should not be allowed to 

work or drive, that old people 

should be put into crates and 

transported to “oh, you know, a 

big deserted island somewhere”, 

and that trans women “are just fellas 

wearing dresses”. 

The virus can also be heard referring to 

Chinese people as “charlie ching chongs” 

and laughing at orthodox jews’ hats and 

“the funny curly bits of hair just in front of 

It’s all clapping 

and rainbows 

nowadays innit? 

Old folk, members of 

the BAME community 

and trans women. Just 

some of the people 

Covid-19 doesn’t like 

their lugholes” It was also recorded singing 

the theme tune to FAME, but changing the 

lyrics by replacing FAME with BAME - 

referring to the black and minority 

ethnic community. 

Critic Jasmine Alibisexual 

said: “It’s pretty disgraceful 

that a virus should behave 

like this. In this day and age 

it should be treating everyone 

equally.” 

Replying to the criticism, the 

virus said: “What’s wrong with saying 

that I think old people should be shipped 

off to a desert island in crates? I can’t 

understand how some people think it’s 

discriminating against the elderly. What a 

bizarre conclusion to make.” 

LOCKDOWN HELL: Contestants 

taking part in an overseas 

version of the television show Big 

Brother have spoken out about 

how they are suffering during the 

Covid lockdown. 

One participant, who asked that 

we did not name the host country 

because “he didn’t want to smear 

the programme with any bad 

publicity”, said: “We are all just 

sitting indoors all day staring 

at four walls. We’ve run out of 

things to talk about and we’re just 

arguing all the time.” 

Another said: “It’s misery to 

be perfectly honest. I can’t wait 

for this virus situation to be over 

and we can all get back to sitting 

around and arguing with each 

other all the time.” 

CULTURE NIGHT: A cultural 

appropriation fancy dress party 

has raised thousands of pounds 

for hardworking NHS staff. The 

event, which was held in a tiny 

pub in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire, 

saw hundreds of people in various 

world costumes crammed into 

an upstairs room to show their 

appreciation for the doctors and 

nurses working so hard during the 

current crisis. 

Winner of the best fancy dress 

costume was one ‘Big Mick’ who 

spent the evening in an enormous 

Mexican hat, shaking maracas, 

and walking around claiming he 

was ‘El Bandito’. 

Runner up was ‘Skinny’ Ted 

Chump who dressed as Vietnamese 

revolutionary Ho Chi Minh for 

the evening - spending most of the 

night trying to re-enact the Battle 

of Dien Bien Phu by throwing 

food at people he suspected of 

being French. 

SPREADING CHEER: In 

response to the news that many 

people are feeling depressed 

during the pandemic, The Niggle 

Magazine has put together a group 

of travelling minstrels to visit 

every town in the UK to spread 

some cheer to residents. Many 

of the musicians have got fevers 

and dry coughs but we’re sure it’s 

nothing to worry about. 


5


Swivel

Orgy participants still 

maintain 2-metre rule 

Police praise organisers of sex 

party for keeping social distancing 

Officers from the Metropolitan Police 

admitted to being “pleasantly surprised” 

following a raid on a London sex party 

after finding a group of sexual deviants still 

maintaining the two-metre social distancing 

rule during the Covid-19 pandemic. 

Police broke down the front door of the 

unassuming terraced property to find a 

writhing sweaty mass of middle-aged 

bodies - but with each individual 

filth-merchant having an adequate Covid 

exclusion zone around them. 

Detective Constable Figgy De-Coconut 

said: “We couldn’t believe it. Someone 

was using a love truncheon on the end of 

a 2m-long tickling stick to carry out his 

perversions. And another was controlling a 

drone which had various sex toys attached 

to its undercarriage. I’ll certainly give these 

perverts 10 out of 10 for sticking to the 

Coronavirus rules.” 

Police added though that unless the 

degenerates can prove they are all from the 

same family there may be arrests ahead. 

Suicide bombers explode for 

carers - 8pm every Thursday 

An Islamist suicide bomber has been 

encouraging fellow terrorists to blow 

themselves up to show their respect 

and appreciation for NHS workers 

during the coronavirus crisis. 

Inspired by the ‘Clap for Carers’ 

initiative - which saw members of 

the public stand at their doors every 

Thursday evening to clap for the NHS 

- terrorist Ali-bin-ali-bin-bin-Amin 

Ali said he wanted to do something 

similar “but in my own way”. 

Mr Ali said: “Thinking back to all 

the innocent civilians that have been 

killed or injured over the years due to 

suicide bombs, I thought it would be 

nice to give something back. 

“I am appealing to the thousands of 

potential suicide bombers in the UK 

to strap on that vest and get outside. 

But remember to keep two metres 

from your neighbour. 

“What could be more traditionally 

British than a good old-fashioned 

suicide bomb?” 

Mr Ali was unavailable for comment 

when we tried to contact him again on 

Friday morning. 

IN BRIEF 

GENDER PRONOUNS: An 

NHS directive has been sent out 

to hospital bosses in the UK 

outlining the most important 

things medical staff should be 

doing to tackle the pandemic - and 

top of the list is ‘make sure you 

know your gender pronouns’. 

The directive states: “Imagine 

being a Covid patient, you’re 

barely able to breathe so you’re 

hooked up to a ventilator and you 

have a terrible fever. What’s the 

worst thing that could happen? 

Yes, that’s right - a nurse enters 

the room and addresses you as 

‘Mrs’ when you are so obviously 

a ‘Zir’. 

“So we say to all medical staff, 

start learning your pronouns. 

Patients’ lives depend on it.” 

RAINBOW GRIPE: A fight has 

broken out between NHS workers 

and a gay rights group over the 

use of the rainbow emblem. 

The mass brawl took place 

during a recent TikTok recording 

in front of a hospital where nurses 

performed a dance routine atop a 

giant model of a rainbow. 

Witnesses claim that the group 

approached the nurses, mid dance, 

and tried to ruin the routine by 

throwing feather boas and playing 

Rufus Wainwright records at full 

volume - at which point a fight 

started. 

Spokesgay for the group Give 

Us Our Rainbow Back, Timmy 

Timpkins, said: “When we saw 

the nurses hogging our rainbow 

and performing a routine based 

on its colours we were fuming. 

The rainbow is strictly for jobby 

jabbers and doughnut bumpers, 

they need to remember that.” 

One source said a delegation 

from the 1980s children’s TV 

show Rainbow also turned up, but 

left when things became violent. 


7

TOONS - CRAZY MULLAHS 


A lack of FBPE 

may cost lives 

Nurses have raised concerns that a 

shortage of FBPE could have a harmful 

effect on their ability to care for patients. 

In the four years before the Coronavirus 

crisis, medical staff had become 

used to the constant whining from the 

FBPE anti-Brexit crowd. However now 

that Covid-19 has arrived the FBPE mob 

have been largely silent - unnerving 

many nurses who had come to view the 

whines as an old friend, in the same way 

one views relaxing music, which actually 

helped them in their day-to-day work. 

One nurse said: “We used to constantly 

hear phrases such as ‘give me one tangible 

benefit’ and ‘people didn’t know what 

they were voting for’, but now nothing. 

“It’s a little unsettling, and having a 

detrimental effect on our work.” 

Lockdown? What a dreadful word. 

Quite honestly I think the whole 

problem is caused by namby-pamby 

doctors. I got the Pangolin AIDS 

months ago - caught it off a young 

prossy while on business in the East. 

And I did what I always do when I 

come down with anything. Nine pints 

of Thwackers Old Bollockbrain and 

a plate of tripe vindaloo. That sends 

any bugs packing. I was laid up for a 

bit I grant you but the curry and the 

ale came through and cured it. Mind 

you, the bottom blurts! They lifted 

wallpaper off. Lady Winifred thought 

I’d started redecorating the bedroom. 

I told old Bunty Jape at the club 

about the cure. I said: ‘Bunty, don’t 

listen to quacks: I’ve got the cure 

for your arse cancer and it’s called 

Bollockbrain. Keep it up: nine pints 

a day.’ 

He came through right as rain. 

Well, I haven’t seen him for a 

while but I assume he came 

through. Anyway, everyone at 

the club calls me ‘Bollockbrain’ 

now: affectionate 

nicknames are great, 

aren’t they? 

SIR NORBERT’S BIT 

Our proprietor Sir Norbert on getting Covid 

I cured myself with 9 pints of 

Thwackers Old Bollockbrain 

Being locked up with the lady wife 

is no bed of roses though. I’ve broken 

the telly by firing my airgun at it when 

The One Show is on. She’s not happy 

about that so we’ve fallen back on the 

gramophone. You know, Noel Coward, 

the Great Caruso, Iron Maiden. If 

I’m feeling a little frisky I put on a 

serious lovemaking track such as Jazz 

Delicious Hot, Disgusting Cold by the 

Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band. 

When this is all over there needs to 

be strong words with China. I’d speak 

to the ambassador myself but I was 

banned from the Chinese embassy 

years ago when I told Chairman Mao 

that a certain part of oriental women’s 

anatomy runs horizontal, not vertical, 

which is why they make a funny noise 

when they’re sliding down bannisters. 

Old Mao couldn’t take a joke. 

Turned bright red, steam coming 

out of his ears. Got his lackies 

to escort me from the premises. 

Blasted commies, no sense of 

humour. Anyway, stay safe and 

don’t get the clap for the NHS. 

I’m just off to order a 

Chinese takeaway. 

Toodle pip! 

Virus steals limelight from Isis 

Islamic State admitted this week they 

have hired a top London PR firm after 

their share of media coverage plummeted 

due to Coronavirus. 

The group, which boasts pockets of 

resistance in the Middle East, said they 

had employed top PR agency - Wilson, 

Keppel and Betty - in an attempt to stay 

in the limelight. 

Isis spokesman Achmed Al-bin-Aggi 

said: ‘It’s all very frustrating. A lot of us 

feel like has-beens. We were on every 

front page not so long ago but now even 

things such as Masterchef get more 

column inches. 

“Our PR agency says we must think 

outside the box. But we have a living to 

earn as well. 

“Our previous agent said that there 

was no disgrace in being Butlins Holiday 

Camp redcoats - we drew the line at that. 

“I’ve got a job lined up in panto - Dick 

Whittington at the Blackpool Opera 

House with Duncan ‘chase me’ Norvelle, 

but that’s not till December and it won’t 

get us on the front pages.” 

Camilla Keppel, spokeswoman for 

the PR firm, said: “We’re looking at 

getting them on Strictly but that won’t be 

for a while, and The One Show haven’t 

returned our calls. So it’s all up in the air 

at the moment.” 

Limelight gripe: 

It’s all about 

Coronavirus 

nowadays, say 

a disgruntled 

Islamic State 


9

FATIMATRONIC 

Fatima undercovid 

Our reporter was working at an NHS hospital 

to investigate the lack of face coverings 

Working in a busy hospital during 

the Coronavirus crisis was tough, 

let me tell you. Especially as, 

early on, the lack of personal 

protection equipment (PPE) was 

a real problem. 

In fact, in my own case, not 

being able to adequately cover my 

nose and mouth - coupled with no 

long gown to protect the rest of my 

body - made me nervous. 

In the end, I managed to get 

hold of a face mask - the only one 

left in the Covid ward stores at 

that particular time - by wrestling 

an elderly nurse to the ground 

after she had selfishly taken it. 

I’m sure some of my colleagues 

thought that having a double face 

covering (a mask and a veil) was a 

bit excessive, but they couldn’t say 

anything because I threatened to 

report them to the hospital’s 

diversity and inclusion officer. 

Job’s a goodun! Anyway, stay safe 

and don’t forget to cover up. 


IN BRIEF 

TESTES, TRACK AND TRACE 

KILLING TALENT: A Kent man 

discovered he has a hidden talent 

for serial killing while in covid 

lockdown. 

The 34-year-old man, who did 

not want to be named, said he 

had been putting the time spent at 

home to good use and trying out 

new things - including painting, 

dancing, playing the guitar, and 

serial killing. 

He said: “I tried out a lot of 

things and most of them I was 

rubbish at. For instance I can’t 

paint to save my life. But serial 

killing I had a real talent for. I’ve 

just been practising on dummies 

and mannequins at the moment, so 

I can’t wait for things to get back 

to normal so I can get out and 

about and do it for real.” 

Buddha: 

Stout 

BUDDHA JOY: Buddha was 

seen jumping for joy yesterday 

after it was confirmed that he 

would be reincarnated - but not as 

himself. The big fella was 

photographed punching the air 

after he was told he would come 

back as an athletic, tanned US 

citizen with a full head of blond 

hair and average sized ears. The 

Buddha had earlier let it slip he 

was unhappy with his appearance 

and did not want to come back 

in the same body - ie, a slob with 

Dumbo lugs and a bald pate. In 

a statement, he said: “This is 

absolutely marvellous news. In 

the future, maybe, I’ll finally get 

meself some skirt action.” 

Testicles could make 

men more vulnerable 

to catching Covid-19 

Top doctor advises keeping your 

clackers at least two metres apart 

Men have been told to keep a two-metre gap 

between each testicle after news emerged that 

the testes may harbour the coronavirus - thus 

giving it sanctuary from the immune system, 

according to a recent study. 

Although some scientists have dismissed 

the findings as ‘poppycock’, others think that 

the ‘man sweetbreads’ provide an important 

reservoir for Covid-19. 

Professor of Virology at the University of 

Chippyminton, Terry Ballington, said: “Men 

What lockdown? says gamer Fat Baz 

A fat lummox who spends all day 

playing video games and ordering 

pizzas admitted today that he had no 

idea the World was under lockdown. 

Baz ‘Buddha’ Barrington, from 

Belchertown, Massachusetts, said: 

“I was completely unaware of the 

Covid lockdown. Even when the 

pizza guy came to my door and stood 

two metres away from me. You see, 

he does that with me anyway.” 

A typical pair of men’s testicles, above. 

But they should be 2m apart, left and right 

should be aware of these iffy findings and err 

on the side of, err, caution. 

“Until it’s proven, one way or the other, we 

are advising men to try and keep a two-metre 

gap between each testicle. 

“We realise this might be a challenge but 

it’s probably better to be safe than sorry.” 

He added: “It still remains a mystery though 

how pre-operation trans women are also 

susceptible to this. Because, as you well know, 

Trans. Women. Are. Real. Women!” 

Gut alors! Days 

are exactly the 

same for Barry 


11

WORLD OF WOKE 

Happy woke person 

spotted in the North 

Man seen 

laughing 

heartily to 

some jokes 

Reports have emerged that a “woke” 

man who isn’t a depressed misery 

guts has been seen going about his 

day in the North of England. 

The sighting, which is yet to be 

confirmed, is said to have taken 

place “somewhere in North 

Yorkshire” where the woke man 

was allegedly seen laughing at 

jokes, smiling, radiating warmth, 

and, when asked how he was, 

replied: “Very well thank you, I’m 

having a lovely day.” 

One witness said: “Instead of 

him going around policing humour, 

shaking his head at people’s jokes, 

and spending the whole day feeling 

depressed that ‘the UK is a hotbed 

of racism’, he seemed to be having a 

lovely time. It was weird.” 

The news is astonishing because 

the last confirmed sighting of a 

happy woke person was in 1870 

during the Franco-Prussian war. 

A close-up snapshot of the man’s smile, taken secretly by a 

passerby; The year 1870 was the last confirmed sighting of a 

happy woke person during the Franco-Prussian War, inset. 

Smiled on 

at least 4 

occasions 

when out 

and about 

He replied 

‘Very good’ 

when asked 

how he was 

Radiated 

warmth in 

food store 

For those of you who like thinking, here’s 

something to ponder, courtesy of Gus... 

‘Inside every 

revolutionary 

there is a 

policeman’ 

Gustave Flaubert 


WIMMIN AND COVID 




6am. Breakfast Covid Women 

Women exhibiting Covid-19 symptoms sit 

around having breakfast and yakking while 

social distancing. 

10.00. Covid Under The Hammer 

Members of the BAME community with 

Coronavirus look at virtual properties in 

Kent, Warwickshire and Manchester. 

12.15. Bargain Covid 

Is the cancellation of Bargain Hunt having a 

detrimental effect on women? 

2.00. Escape to the Covid Ward 

Helping two hypochondriacs get a place in 

a busy Coronavirus ward at a North London 

hospital. 

4.00. Garden Covid Rescue 

An all-female team of gardeners pretend they 

like each other while maintaining social 

distancing rules. 

5.15. Pointless 

This week Osman’s smugfest features teams 

of lesbian family groups/households. 

6.00. Covid Repair Shop 

A special disabled episode where a team of 

blind cerebral palsy sufferers with Coronavirus 

try to stick a shattered patterned ceramic dish 

back together. 

7.00. The One Show 

Alex Jones and Rylan Clark-Neal build a virtue 

signal from items donated during a recent 

Covid appeal. 

8.00. The Great Covid Sewing Bee 

For their made-to-measure challenge, the 

contestants take on that 2020 must-have: 

the coronavirus mask. Sequins and rainbows 

compulsory. 

8am. Canterbury Cathedral 

Charting a year at the home of the Anglican 

church. The cathedral’s biggest stained glass 

window is removed for restoration work by a 

team of socially-distanced women. 

10.00. Eggheads 

If your head is shaped like an egg then you’re 

welcome to apply for this quiz show. 

11.00. Dunkirk 

Classic fi lm about the tyrannical patriarchy 

starring John Mills and Richard Attenborough. 

(Editor’s note: The fi lm features very few 

women. Discrimination meant they were not 

forced to go to war and get blown up.) 

3.00. Mastermind 

Recorded before lockdown, four geniuses 

compete on TV’s toughest quiz. Specialist 

subjects are Gogglebox, The One Show, 

Homes Under The Hammer and Bargain Hunt. 

4.00. Cunk on Covid 

Back to back episodes. Philomena Cunk trots 

out her ‘I’m a bit of a doozy’ whimsy but this 

time with a focus on women affected by Covid. 

10.00. QI 

Presented by oppressed female millionaire 

Sandi Toksvig. 

6.00. Covid Today 

Morning yawnfest. 

7.45. Girl, Woman, Other 

The stories of 12 characters, most of them 

black British women, moving through the world 

in different decades. (This one’s real - Ed). 

8.00. Desert Island Covid 


eight virus-related records would you take? 

Samira Ahmed picks Covideo Killed The Radio 

Star by Buggles, and It’s 5G Wot’s To Blame 

by David Icke and Tina Turner. 

8.45. The Digital Human 

The impact that technology has on the female 

human character. 


Just like every week, the programme 

disappears up its own woke arse again. 

With Jane Garvey. 

11.00. Tales from the Stave 

An appeal for Clemency Burton-Hill saw 

her take the reins of this programme. This 

week she tells the story of another piece of 

well known music by examining its original 

manuscript. Today’s piece is Several Species 

of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a 

Cave and Grooving with a Pict by Pink Floyd. 

12.30. Meanwhile in Brussels 

Brexit yawnfest for those annoyed that no one 

is talking about the EU any more. Presented by 

Katya Falling Adler (put it in your pocket, save it 

for a rainy day). 

2.00. Grounded with Louis Theroux. 

Louis Theroux talks to Ilford-born YouTuber, 

rapper and actor Bib Bib Bibble Bib Bibble 

about what it’s like to be Bib Bib Bibble Bib 

Bibble. 

9.00. Covid football 

Gary Lineker looks at the effect of no football 

on women, disabled people and members of 

the trans and non-binary communities. 

10.00. Fleabag Discussed 

Late night discussion programme (recorded 

before the Coronavirus lockdown) where fans 

of Fleabag get teary-eyed and slightly moist 

over how great it is that a strong, empowering 

woman is fronting a comedy drama, while 

secretly admitting she’s nowhere near as 

funny as, say, Victoria Wood. 

The famous Mastermind chair. 3pm. 

10.30. Have I Got News For You? 

Paul Merton and Ian Hislop stand at each 

end of a dead horse and fl og it. Presented by 

Martin Clunes. 

3.15. Loose Ends 

This week’s all-female panel ties up lots of 

loose ends left untied by women. 

5.00. Front Row. 

Female representation and diversity in the 

Coronavirus patient community. 

7.00. In Our Time 

Melvyn Bragg and the team discuss Absolute 

Zero - the lowest possible temperature at 

minus 273 degrees - and how it adversely 

affects women and Muslim elders. 



13

DIVERTHITEEE, DIVERTHITEEE... 

The diversity erection checker 

Calling all woke men. Check the increase in your ‘old pecker’ 

using the rulers below - as we explain what it all means... 

4cm 

8cm 

12cm 

16cm 

LIKELY CAUSES 

20cm 

4cm: A mixed-race 

friend sends you tickets 

for the musical Hamilton. 

8cm: You spot two Chinese 

lesbians holding hands down the 

Sauces of the World aisle in Waitrose. 

12cm: You hear that a Bollywood cinema 

is coming to your town just as you’ve started 

reading the Hindu epic The Mahabharata. 

16cm: You spend a month fasting in your Hope Not Hate pants to 

show solidarity with new neighbours Mr and Mrs Farooq. 

20cm: You buy a pair of Ali Baba trousers from a Marrakesh 

market while receiving a phone call from your local gurdwara 

asking you to man the mung bean salad stall at a Sikh wedding. 


SILHOUETTE-EH, GENTILLE SILHOUETTE-EH 

In silhouette: ‘Unconscious blacking up’ 

Avoid ‘racist 

silhouettes’ 

if possible 

The government is advising 

people to avoid standing in front 

of sunsets or bright sunshine 

because the blacking out of the 

body “could be seen as racist”. 

A spokesperson said: “We 

appreciate that people have 

been flocking to see sunsets for 

millennia, but today we’re more 

enlightened and can see that the 

body falling into shadow is a 

sort of unconscious blacking up, 

which may be offensive to some.” 

Women, women, women, women 

Women caught discriminating against women to stop 

women filling roles traditionally held by women 

A group of female bosses have 

been exposed discriminating 

against women by actively 

stopping women from taking 

traditional roles usually filled by 

women. 

Women’s groups have 

expressed their women over 

the women and said they would 

women their concerns to higher 

women. 

One of the women involved 

said women would have to 

women if they wanted to women 

in the future, and only women 

could sort out women women 

women. 

A women for the women 

involved said that women needed 

to women women and would 

only women if repressed women 

did what was needed for women. 

Women in the women have 

women women and should 

women take women women 

women. 

Women of women women 

women women women the 

women women women women. 

Women a women women 

women women women women 



women women. 

Women women women 





















women women. 

What do you think? Do let us 

know. 

A woman, somewhere, yesterday 


15

A MADE-UP ADVERTISEMENT

CHECK HOW ANNOYING YOU ARE IN HOT WEATHER 

Noisy, stumbly, fighty? Check 

your heatwave irritant level... 

An explanation of what it all means: 

Flappy Cunt: 

You’re flapping about in flip-flops 

despite living 57 miles from the 

nearest beach. 

Noisy Cunt: 

Blurting through your open car 

window is music that absolutely no 

one likes – including you. 

Croony Cunt: 

You think your drunken singing 

sounds like Luciano Pavarotti but 

everyone else thinks you’re scraping 

a rusty nail down a slate. 

Stumbly Cunt: 

The loud tattooed cabbage that you 

are spends the day drunkenly 

stumbling into lamp posts giving it 

‘Jack the Biscuit’. 

Fighty Cunt. 

You think you’re hard but you’ve got 

all the fighting ability of a gay, 

disabled stick insect. 

So, how did you do? How much of a 

cunt are you in hot weather? Visit 

@nigglemagazine on yer Twitters and 

let us know. 


17


‘Respecting all races equally is now 

racist. Welcome to Clownworld’ 

GUT REACTION: THE WISDOM OF THE BUDDHA



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The Niggle Magazine (issues 1-5)

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