5 Signs a Widower Is Serious About Your Relationship — Abel Keogh

a Widower:
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ABEL KEOGH
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How Can You Know if a Widow…
5 Signs a Widower Is Serious
About Your Relationship
January 25, 2009
Dating a widower can be emotionally taxing.
The last thing you want is to invest time and
your heart with a man that may not be ready for
Over
the serious relationship you’re looking for. There
are 5 signs that the widower is actually ready to
have a serious relationship and not using you to
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fill the hole in his heart or simply warm his bed
at night. It doesn’t matter if he’s been a widower

Ultimate Dating
The
for Widowers
Guide
Time Seller
The
Book 1)
(Chronos
a Widower:
Marrying
You Need to
What
Before Tying
Know
Knot the
with a Widower:
Life
Unique
Overcoming
and
Challenges
a Fulfilling
Creating
Relationship
Abel Keogh
By
3 months or 3 years, if he’s ready to get serious
with you, this is the way to know.
By Abel Keogh
1.He has no problem introducing you to his
family, friends, and social circle.
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A widower who’s ready to date again isn’t
embarrassed to let friends, family members, and
others know about you. You won’t be excluded
from family activities because “they aren’t ready
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to see me with someone else” or because
they’re “still grieving.” He won’t care what others
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think about him dating again. All he’ll care about
is whether or not you’re happy. If he’s putting
the needs of others above you, he’s not ready. If
he’s happy to be seen with you and isn’t afraid
to let the whole world know about it, that’s a
sign he’s serious about the relationship.
By Abel Keogh
2. He won’t pressure you to jump into bed with
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him
It can be difficult to get intimate with a widower
– especially when you’re unsure whether or not
he wants to do it simply because he misses
regular sex with the late wife. If you’re not ready
to take that step, don’t hesitate to say “no” when
it looks like things are heading to the bedroom.
A widower who values you and the relationship
By Abel Keogh
won’t have a problem waiting until you’re ready
to take that step. And after you’ve said no, he
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won’t continually pressure you to hop in the
sack or become upset that you’re not sleeping
with him. Instead he’ll wait until you’re
comfortable taking the relationship to that level.
3. He’s willing to talk about where the
relationship is headed
Talking about where a relationship is going isn’t
something men do a lot. However, when they

Ultimate Dating
The
for Widowers
Guide
for Two: A
Room
Memoir
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meet the right person, they won’t have a
problem discussing dating exclusively, getting
engaged, or even brining up marriage.
The same goes for widowers. If he thinks there’s
potential in your relationship he’ll let you know.
If he avoids the subject, says he’s still grieving,
By Abel Keogh
or need more time, then there’s a good chance
he’s not ready for a serious relationship.
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4. He won’t let his grief get in the way
Believe it or not, there are widowers out there
who will throw away the shrines to the late wife,
sell their homes, and do whatever it takes to get
By Abel Keogh
over their grief as soon as the right person
comes along. Instead of making excuses why
the relationship can’t move forward, he’ll take
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the necessary steps to put the late wife to the
However, if he’s always telling you he’s still
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side and make you the center of his universe.
grieving, then it means he’s not ready. End the
relationship and look for someone who can put
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his baggage aside because he wants to be with
you.
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5. His actions back up his words
Running Forward: The
Anyone can say “I love you” but not everyone
Blog of Widower Expert and
can back up those words with actions. If he says
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that he loves you but is treating you like
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garbage, he’s not serious about the relationship.
A widower who values you, will treat you like a
queen. Don’t put up with behavior from a
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excuse for stringing you along. If he really loves
you, he’ll treat you like he does. Don’t settle for
only if it will make you
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anything less.
***

How Can You Know if a Widow…
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When dating a
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Comments (128)
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Preview POST COMMENT…
ChicagoJo 13 years ago· 0
Likes
I know I've said this before, but when you
remove the widower part, all of what you said is
great dating advice. Period.

Abel Keogh 13 years ago· 0
Likes
Thanks Jo. I agree that aside from the dead wife
issue, there's a lot of overlap.abel
Kerry 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Great advice, I am a widower (44yrs old) and
heard similar advice from my counselor. I dated
once since my wife passed and I realized until I
stopped loving my wife and could mentally give
myself to someone new - it would not be fair to
be serious with anyone. I am learning now how
to let my wife go. Actually, for alot of reasons, as
brutal as that feels, and as much as I totally love
her, I think it is necessary to let my wife go - not
just for reasons for a future relationship. Thanks
for the comments ! I found them encouraging
and helpful - even for me the widower...
OM 13 years ago· 0 Likes
So what you're saying is, if you meet a widower
who is not taking these steps, cut your losses
and move on? Not give him a chance to reach
the point where is able to actually be with you?
I'd hate to cast it all aside just because of
unfortunate timing.
Abel Keogh 13 years ago· 0
Likes
OM,What I’m teaching is basic male psychology.
If a widower (or a guy for that matter) is ready for

a relationship, he won't let anything get in the
way of it making the relationship move forward.
He’ll dump his grief and the memory of the late
wife and make you #1. Women who decide to
wait for the widower end up with broken hearts
and wasting months or years of their lives.
If you’re dating a widower who’s not ready, then
tell him to give you a call when he is. In the
meantime go live your life and look for someone
who’s ready to get serious.
Abel
trumwill 13 years ago· 0 Likes
If the timing is wrong, it won't be made right with
you hanging around. I've been on both sides of
that equation due to recent breakups and
heartbreaks (never, thankfully, due to
widow/widowering). If you really feel that you
are a good match for somebody, you'll still be a
good match for them six months down the line
when they're better-oriented. You do run the risk
that they will find someone between having
moved on from their past and before you reconnect,
but that's nothing compared to the
near-certainty of wasted time trying to wait buy
or guide them through whatever it is that they
are going through.On two occasions I waited
patiently by as things continued to deteriorate
only to have my opportunity later on. In both
cases I think that it would have been much
better for all involved (her, me, and "us" as a
separate entity) had I let go to re-engage later.

Nix 13 years ago· 1 Like
A good friend of mine recently began dating my
cousin, who's wife passed away a year or two
ago.I wish I could send my pal this entry of
yours! My cousin says he loves her, has invited
her to many family functions and has done just
about everything you list. However, he continues
to wear his wedding ring, has pictures of his wife
still in the bedroom even and has a Myspace
page that is completely about his wife.I love my
cousin but I personally have doubts as to
whether he is truly ready to move into a new
relationship. Beth (my friend) is really torn up
and we've talked numerous times about the
situation.Sad :(
LI 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I really enjoyed reading all of the articles and
posts. It's comforting to know I'm not the only
one trying to find my way through this situation. I
am dating a man whose wife passed away
during childbirth. I truly believe he is ready and
able to give his heart to me. Our only hiccup
seems to be his late wife's family. They are
pleasant to me but obviously not ready to see
another woman be the 'mom' to their
granddaughter. I think only time will help and I
try not to take it personally.
Ron Cowie 13 years ago· 0
Likes
As a widower, the points made are pretty good
guideposts. Everyone processes their grief and

loss differently, but there should be some pretty
clear guidelines and the above provide that.A
widower friend of mine said about dating and
new love:
"Life goes on whether you like it or not."
I honor my late wife by showing up for life. Yes, I
do miss her, but I love my life and the people in
it today. There are still sad moments, but I feel
and honor them while moving forward.
It's a dance.
Julie Donner
Andersen 13 years ago· 0
Likes
Good article, Abel. Regarding #5: Some of the
ladies dating widowers who frequent my
website's message board often complain of just
the opposite of what you wrote. They say that
their widowers DO show they care in many
ways, but cannot say those three little words. As
well, regarding your $4, I believe a "shrine" is
ridiculous, but a couple pictures are fine. I don;t
think a woman can come into a widower's life
and make demands right away. Compromise
and communication are key.
Abel 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Julie,You're right that the woman shouldn't
come into the woman's life and make demands
right away. Then again, she shouldn't have to.
The widower should be able to do it on his own
once things start progressing. And unless
there's minor children living at home, I against

photo of the late wife being up at all. Starting a
new life means putting the past where it
belongs.
Abel
Julie 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Abel,As a bereavement recovery counsellor, it
is my belief that putting the past where it
belongs is an emotional/mental journey and
adaptation. Once that is accomplished, nothing
will change that, especially not a picture.
What I think you are failing to grasp is the reality
of many, many women who date widowers in
that they enter a widower's life DURING his
bereavement recovery. Your advice would apply
if the women was to date a widower who had
ALREADY completed bereavement recovery.
Though not advisable and often problematic, the
former is still a reality that women on my
message board are facing. However, it is not
impossible for this kind of coupling to be
successful, as I can attest to after dnearly a
decade of work in theis field and as is eveident
on my message board. It takes patience and
time, compassion, understanding, and lots of
communication and cooperation.
Women who "stick it out" with a still-grieving
widower do so out of love. These are amazing
women who struggle with standing by a man
who still can't let go of pictures, still visit late
wives' graves, and still can't commit to a future
plan since he still struggles with the past...but
who are, at the same time, devoted to and in
love with their new loves.

Do I tell them to run for their lives? No, since
each person and thus each couple is very
different, and as long as there is hope, there is a
chance it could work. Believe me, I have yet to
meet a widower yet who has completely and
totally "put the past where it belongs" in every
way possible, prior to a new relationship. The
new love of his life ALWAYS has some kind of
sweeping up to do or issue to work out. As his
helpmate, she can bring much healing to the
final steps of his recovery.
Blessings,
Julie Donner Andersen
www.juliedonnerandersen.com
Rachael 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Thanks Abel.The writing is great.I've dated a
widower for two years; he was not ready for a
long time. He now is and the feeling is
awesome... sure the heartaches were there but I
held on as I was sure he is the one for me. I'm so
glad Abel; your blog is great.
Abel 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Women who “stick it out” with a still-grieving
widower do so out of love. These are amazing
women who struggle with standing by a man
who still can’t let go of pictures, still visit late
wives’ graves, and still can’t commit to a future
plan since he still struggles with the past…but
who are, at the same time, devoted to and in
love with their new loves.Julie,

We're going to have to agree to disagree on
this. While they may stick around because they
love the guy, most women who stick around and
wait for the the widower to move on are wasting
their time and opening themselves to heartache.
It's better to be devoted to a man who can give
his heart to you then is stuck in the past. Guys
have a need to fill a hole in their heart and will
do it even it means stringing a woman along
who he doesn't want to commit to that person
long term.
See Trumwill's comment (#6) above. If it's meant
to be, it will work out even if they get together
months or years down the road.
Trish 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Hi Abel ...and JulieIt is interesting to note your
different viewpoints and I would welcome your
individual responses to my dilemma, if indeed it
is a dilemma.?
I met a widower (5 months since he lost his wife
of 32 years) early November). The moment we
met we had a connection and the chemistry
between us was pretty much immediate. I am 52
he is 55. We are both in business and meet
people through business on a daily basis so
neither of us struggled with communicating our
similarities and he was very open about his
feelings about his late wife (he loved her very
much and they enjoyed a happy marriage) and
his desire to enjoy the company of a special
woman again. As a resultt of our first meeting
we went on to get close over several dates until
New Year when he went off on holiday to stay in
the place himself and his wife stayed several

times, so on his return he called me to tell me
that we needed to talk, which we did, and he
explained that he felt that he was still grieving
and needed to survive his grief before starting
to live again, but wondered whether i would
agree to still spend time with him (no sex) as he
hoped that by staying in touch it would give us a
chance to save our relationship. We spent my
birthday together last week, it was lovely, and he
again was candid about his thoughts and
sincere in his hopes that by stepping back, he
wouldnt be putting "us" at risk..I understand his
situation, but between dates, I feel neglected
and therfore question whether I am trying to
catch the wind.
He is a very decent man, kind, self assured, and
straight forward. I dont know what to do as I
recognise that together we make a great couple
and my feelings for him are genuine and whilst i
want to be there to enjoy the great times we
could have, I dont want to put my life on hold,
only for nothing to materialise. He is pretty
special to me. His words make me feel secure in
what we are holding on to, but his actions do
not? Help!
Lissa 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Your site has always been such a help, but now I
find myself in a sticky situation. Please help!!I
am dating a widower very seriously for 20
months. I have met and socialized with his late
wife's family, his family, and their friends. In the
past four months everyone has been very
welcoming, He and I have discussed
engagement, marriage, and are currently
looking for a home to buy so that we will move

into a new area that will give all of us a fresh
start. My home is for sale, his will be in about a
year. We will marry before we move in together
He has three kids, 17 year old girl, and two boys
ages 15 and 8. I have two boys, ages 13 and 11.
His daughter hates her father dating, and
although the screaming and door slamming has
stopped, she still barely talks to me. I try to keep
out of her way, I do not say anything when she
makes comments, and I am supportive. Her
therapist feels she is being very manipulative,
making comments when her father and I are
together like "I visited mommy's grave today
since nobody else does" or " I loaded yours and
mommy's favorite song on your iPod"
My problem is this: His (and his late wife's) best
friends that they have vacationed with in the
past have said that they are going on a cruise
for their daughter's high school graduation and
asked him if he and the kids would like to come
to celebrate his daughter's graduation too. They
even asked if I would be coming. His daughter
wants to go, but only she, her dad, and her
brothers. She does not want me or the boys to
come. I think even he feels a little weird, as he
has said "wow, this is really mixing the new with
the old". I think it is a very awkward situation. I
feel really hurt. How can we plan a family and be
working so hard towards merging our lives and
pushing forward with everything, and yet he
could go away with old friends? By the time he
goes on this cruise, we will have been dating
over two years and most likely engaged.
I have suggested that he tell his daughter that if
I am not welcome, maybe she could go with the
other family and her friend, but he doesn't think
it would be nice to tell her to go on her

graduation trip "with another family". She is
pushing hard for this trip, even saying that he
and I should cancel our valentine's weekend
and use the money for their cruise instead.
(thank goodness he told her that she was
overstepping her boundaries on that comment)
All I know is that I have conflicting feelings. Am I
insensitive? Should I send them on their way
with my blessing? Will this set up a precedent
that he goes off with "his" family after we are
married when his daughter doesn't want me
included? And of course the biggie... I feel like
this is something he did with his late wife and
somehow I am not a part of that life. I feel guilty
for taking it all personally, but I truly am hurt.
I need some feedback from all of you that have
so much more experience. I love him and don't
want this to become a big problem between us.
KS 13 years ago· 1 Like
Lissa - it sounds, in some ways, like part of your
journey is going to be understanding the roles
of being a step parent, no matter the
circumstances of how that came to be. It might
even be a good idea for daddy & daughter to
take this trip, on their own and without her
brothers, and see if they can't sort through
whatever feelings they have going. It might even
come off well if you suggest it, openly, in front of
everyone. There is part of her that is likely
feeling that mom has been forgotten, and part of
her dealing with losing dad in some ways, too.
She is feeling alone with nowhere to turn. Don't
"avoid" her; continue to make efforts to engage
her. Step parenting is a tough role, and made
tougher by the passing of a parent. We can be

their friends, if we're really really lucky, but that
might require some serious patience and
understanding in the meantime. However, as
you would any friend, we as the step parent
should not have to tolerate any disrespect the
same as we would not tolerate it in any day to
day friendship. But, moments of disrespect from
a teenager are common (for one thing) but as a
step parent, you are in a unique position to ask
about it (play it - don't punish it). For instance -
the Valentine's comment - something deflective
along the lines of "why do you feel that there
might be a money problem?" that takes the
focus off of you and her dad, gives her an out
for what was clearly a rude comment, and allows
her to voice an opinion about her contribution to
the house - being the oldest sibling and all, and
the only girl, she is going to step into her mom's
shoes and attempt to be the woman of the
family. Dad's comment was well-placed, but
admonishment should only come from him. Your
best bet is to always, always step into her and
see how you can make it a bit better.Don't back
off; keep extending your friendship hand and
once she grows out of her teen thing and also
comes to terms with her mother's passing, she
might actually appreciate your presence and
become your friend, too. You'll never replace
mom, but being a big sister would be great for
you both.
All the best...
Mary 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I have been dating a widower for 1 year. His wife
has been gone for 2 years. He is nice guy and is
fun to be with. He tells me he loves me and that

I make him very happy. However, there has been
5 "push and pull" episodes. He is driving me
nuts. We will be fine for a few months then all of
a sudden he tells me he doesn't want to see me
anymore. A few days later he will call and say he
is sorry and we start seeing each other again. I
have heard this is somewhat normal. This
happened again last night. He will not tell me
why he doesn't see me but this time he did say
"take care." We have been intimate and I feel
sad and confused. Please help.
Abel Keogh 13 years ago· 0
Likes
Trish,It sounds like the widower is lonely and is
using you as a tool of convenience when he
needs some company. He may be a nice guy
but appears not to have the same goals in the
relationship as you do.
Don’t put your life on hold. Tell him very nicely
you appreciate the time together but you’re
looking for something more serious and he’s not
in a place where he can do that right now and to
call when he’s ready to get serious with you.
Until then go live your life and find someone
that’s looking for the same kind of relationship
you are.
Abel
Abel Keogh 13 years ago· 0
Likes
Lissa,Here are some thoughts:

If you’re engaged by the time of the cruise, I see
no reason why you shouldn’t go. By that point,
you’re really part of the family. If you’re not
engaged, I see nothing wrong with bowing out
gracefully and letting them have some family
time together. It’s your call.
The behavior of the daughter and how it should
be handled is between her and her father. I
don’t condone her behavior but have a hard
time blaming her for acting that way. She’s at a
point in her life where she probably wants a
female role model and the woman she’s looked
up to for years (her mom) is dead and there’s a
new woman in her place. I don’t think she
should be calling the shots of your relationship
or the cruise. That’s something the guy you’re
dating has to do. He knows his daughter better
than anyone and should come up with a way to
take care of it.
Abel
Abel Keogh 13 years ago· 0
Likes
Mary,His behavior is not normal. It’s
manipulative. And it’s not unique to widowers.
There are guys who haven’t lost a spouse that
engage in similar behavior.
I’d strongly consider ending the relationship.
Odds are his behavior isn’t going to stop once
he “moves on.” It will continue as long as you’re
with him.
Abel

Julia 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I have read all of the stories above and from my
personal experience, I want those who are
dating widowers to be extra careful and proceed
with caution. I dated a widower for almost two
years. The first year was wonderful. I fell in love
with him deeply and his children and I became
very attached. Then, his behavior became very
bizarre. The "come here, go away" syndrome
started with constant break ups, then getting
back together. It was a roller coaster ride from
hell. But, I continued to use the widower excuse
with him.. and for him to excuse his behavior. I
gave this relationship all I had and did more than
I should have.There were talks of marriage and
long term committment, love and all the things I
wanted to hear when we were together. The last
time we got back together, I learned I was
pregnant. The roller coaster was even more
intense. He showed excitement one minute,
then "I can't get my head around this", the next.
But, again, I held on and made excuses for him,
believed in him, and thought he was the most
wonderful man I had ever met. From there,
things became much worse.
We went for the first ultrasound and learned that
it was a tubal pregnancy. I was very upset, of
course. This was my first pregnancy at 40 years
old. That afternoon, he was there for me while I
cried. BUT, the next day, he got a vasectomy. I
asked him not to, to give me time to get through
the miscarriage and give me time to grieve and
get back on my feet. I mentioned I had given
him two years to work through his grief, but he
wasn't willing to give me two weeks. Pretty cold
and very bad timing. After his procedure, he

came to my house, begged my forgiveness and
told me how he wish he hadn't done it. He said
that "his head wasn't in the right place" and used
his grief as an excuse. From there, I didn't buy it
anymore. I lost all trust and respect for him. After
I miscarried, he had the gumption to tell me he
was "relieved". Again, pretty cold, even if he truly
felt that way, it was wrong for him to say that.
Then, two seconds later, he was holding me
telling me he wished that he could take my pain
away.
He continued to make more promises and
talked of a future together. We continued to
work on the relationship. He said all the right
things most of the time, but his actions never
backed up his words. I was becoming more
angry and bitter each day. This was the case
most of our relationship toward the end. Keep in
mind, I did a lot for him and his children. I made
the mistake of putting my life on hold waiting for
him to move on. I centered my whole life around
him and his children.
After I miscarried, he kept me on a roller coaster
ride. I also began suffering from post pardom
depression. It was terrible. When I most needed
him, he turned his back on me and ended the
relationship permanently because he said, "He
couldn't handle it". It was more grief than I could
bear all at once--losing him, his kids, the baby all
at once blew me away. The day he broke up
with me, I was devastated. I could not believe
this man I thought was so wonderful, loving,
compassionate (sometimes) could be so cold. I
ended up in the hospital that night with an
overdose. (I never shared this part with you,
Abel.) The entire thing about put me in the
grave.

It's taken time, but I'm okay now. About a year
ago, I found Abel's site. It helped me to see
things about the relationship that were wrong.
But, I refused to give up. I believed in us too
much. So did lots of other people. But, the
person who needed to believe in us the most
did not---he didn't. When you love someone, you
don't treat them the way he did me, grief is no
excuse. I have not heard from him nor seen him
since we broke up this last time. However, he
has made me out to be a monster among his
friends. He has talked about me and said some
pretty hurtful things in the community. Especially
his guy friends. His true colors came out after
we broke up.
It has taken time for me to get past this and get
on with my life. I've never been in such a bad
space before like that. But, as I look back, I see
now that most of his behavior had nothing to do
with losing his wife. His actions and behavior
were a part of "who he is". He would always tell
me what a good person I was, how he was
amazed at my capacity to love and forgive. But,
has talked about me behind my back like I am
the devil. He, I guess, is trying to cover up his
own behavior among his friends. Who knows...
This relationship ruined my life for a while there
and it's hard sometimes not to feel sad and let it
go completely. The sad part is...I will always love
the part of him that was good when it was good
and I will always love his children. I'm just now
getting my life back on track and living my life
for me. But, I know I will never be the same. It
will be hard for me to trust again in a new
relationship.
In all reality, I was used. I made the bad mistake
of hanging on way too long. I endured emotional

abuse from someone who had personality
issues that were compounded by grief issues. It
was hard to decipher which was which.
So, to all of you who are in a relationship with a
widower, heed the advice in Abel's writings and
keep your eyes wide open to warning signs.
Protect yourself first. If you find yourself
questioning the relationship in any way, listen to
your inner voice and instincts. They are warning
you for a good reason. I'm not saying that every
relationship with a widower will turn out badly.
I'm sure there are great guys out there. I wasn't
so lucky. But, remove the "grief" part and look at
the real person you're dating. Basic,
fundamental principles and good character traits
should be there, grief or not.
Julia 13 years ago· 0 Likes
A couple of things I forgot to mention. He told
me several times before we broke up
permanently that I was his best friend. I don't
believe that friends treat their "best friends" the
way he did me. He also said that if if it weren't
for me that first year, he would have hung
himself in the barn after his wife died. But, was
he there for me, when I attempted the same?
Makes you wonder....
Julia 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Lastly, I'm not perfect and no angel. But, I was
very good to him. I didn't deserve the way I was
treated and the way I'm treated now.

Laura 13 years ago· 0 Likes
HII have been dating a widower for about 18
mths now.he was happily married for 25 yrs. I
really love him and have never been pushy just
very understanding. He says he has feelings for
me, but can't say he loves me. Only sees me Fri
and Sat night. He told me he dosen't want
anyone alse only me. He goes into withdrawn
phases on anniversaries of things, we had a
break briefly for a month. No1 he is OK with and
No2, No3 he was but changed his mind, saying
he could not give me the love and emotion I
wanted. No4 He does let his grief get in the way
of our relationship. I am not the centre of his
universe. I often say you would not have treated
your wife that way and he says no I suppose I
wouldn't have. I feel in fourth place behind his
wife and older children.. So I don't know where I
stand. He does not wear his wedding ring, but I
feel it will take at least another year if I ever
become the new love of his life. I really don't
know if I can take it, as I am left on my own all
week just to be seen at weekends, I asked him
did we get back together too early and he said
maybe but if he had let me go, I may not have
been around when he was fully ready.
Laura 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Just to add, he says he is moving on but it will
be a slow process. He says I am the only person
he talks to about the death of his wife, he
dosen't even discuss his feelings with his family.
I have been on short hols with him and he says
he wouldn't introduce just anyone to his family,
they are very accepting of me. I get on fine with

his sons. He says he is very happy when he is
with me, but still says he wishes it could all just
end. I know he is still grieving. He has a picture
in his wallet of him and his wife when they were
married. I feel that he feels torn between his
feelings for me and betraying his wife.
Donna 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Lissa,I'm married to a widower who has a
daughter. His daughter doesn't remember her
Mom, she was 6 months old when her Mom
passed away. She is Daddy's little girl and he
always feels sorry for her. A father daughter
relationship is very different than a mother/son
and father/son. Just a few things to think about:
Your money and his money. Will you both put
the same amount of money down on a new
house? Do you both make the same amount of
money. College aid will take into consideration
yours and his income when deciding about
financial aid. When the kids have weddings will
be go all out on her but you may not have
enough for your sons when the time comes? Will
it be equal through and through? Just some
things I have come across blending a family and
being married to a widower. Good luck you will
need it and then some.
Paul 13 years ago· 1 Like
My wife died 8 yrs ago. We were only married 2
yrs. After 5.5 yrs of not dating anyone, I
ventured back into the dating scene. After a few
"not for me" dates with different women, I met a
very nice woman. We have been dating for 2.5
years. She had some issues with the pictures in

the house so I took them down, then she had
issues with what I would say, then what I would
eat, then how I would eat, then how often I
would see her (when it was not more than a
weekend night), then the issue was where we
would go. She doesn't want to get away
overnight anyway (despite the fact that I have
respected her values, and share her values of
not engaging in pre-marital sex), and yet
complains that relationship is boring. It is boring
when you can only go on day trips. It just seems
like one issue after the other.At times, she has
even got up and left me alone in a restaurant
because I was not looking at her properly. (After
losing someone, this additional "abandonment"
is quite a jolt)Now, I can't even mention my late
wife's family name, or any fact remotely related
to late wife., such as my late wife's father's
passing. It seems that 95% of the time I am
focusing on the present, and 5% of the time will
mention something from the past. Yet, at that
time it seems to her that I ALWAYS am
mentioning the past.
why do we have holidays and other celebrations
to " honor and remember the dead", (Memorial
Day, Veteran's day, Presidents' Day, MLK Day)
and yet widows and widowers are expected to
totally forget their spouse, and never mention
spouse? Is putting a flower on the grave once a
year too much to ask?
Mary 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Hi Abel,I have written before and thank you so
much for your answer.I am dating a widower
and has been somewhat uncomfortable. He
pushes me away and calls later to tell me he is

sorry.On Valentines' Day weekend he came to
my house and spent the weekend til Sunday at
6pm. We went to a dance on Friday night and
had sex that evening. In the morning he wanted
more I said no. I noticed that he got a little quiet
during the day. We went to church on Saturday
evening and after he wanted sex again. I don't
feel right having sex and not being married and
he knows that and I said no. He tells me that he
asked a priest and he said it was OK. I don't
believe that. He said Saturday night and again
he wanted sex and I said no. During the night I
felt he was touching me and asked him to stop.
On Sunday morning I could sense his pouting
and quietly watching TV without talking to me
much.He told me that his deceased wife
refected his advances very few times.He called
me at 10pm on Monday (he calls me everyday in
the morning.) I did not call him back. He called at
11 am this am (Tues) I will not call him back. He
has turned me off completely because he is
constantly comparing me to his passed wife. He
wants me to go to the cemetary every time he
goes. I am feeling uncomfortable about that. I
feeled used of demands. Are my feelings right? I
don't want to see him anymore. We have seen
each other for 1 yr.I am tired of having her ghost
in the middle of us.
Mary
catrina 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Hi- I have been dating a man who lost his wife
almost 3 years ago. I live with him. The problem
is, we live in a small town where his wife was
very much known and loved by all. Not only that,
she started a charity in town before her death,

and now many fundraisers are held. There is
always a lot of publicity for these, which include
stories about her. It seems she was a saint. I feel
as if I don't count, and it is hard to know who to
talk to about this. I try to be graceful about her
always being in the limelight, but inside I feel
resentful, and then guilty for being selfish. Help!
Kaite 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I have been dating a widower 4 mos... his wife
will have been gone 2 years... He has the same
attitude as a gent above... She's gone and life
goes on... We get along great... one problem at
least with me... His youngest son, 23 whom his
wife babied... he allowed to move home after
College graduation till he found a job... It will
have been a year I'm betting in May... Here's the
thing he had two p/t jobs one at Safeway as a
bookkeeper and one at Dominoes Pizza... he
quit the Safeway job when they wanted to
transfer him and went to work f/t at Dominoes...
he says he wants to make more money to get
his own place... I took his resume to work, he
would be making 160 more a week ... and he
never followed through with it... My friend has
made several suggestions FBI, Military, amongst
others ... no interest in anything... The kid has a
Masters in History, not interested in teaching
either... or volunteer work in that area... It's
irritating that this kid appears to be taking no
initiative... what to do??

Lynn 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Paul,That's because honoring those days does
not affect the new love in your life, does not
bring pain to those who are still living. The pain
of loving someone else who is still in love with
the desease is no easy task. Not to take away
from the pain of loosing a spouse.
It's okay if you want to honor the dead but do it
alone, do not involve anyone else in that, it's not
fair to that person. If you are not ready to move
on, you should stay by yourself until you are,
then you can honor the desease as much as you
like.
DelGal 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I have a question, not sure where else to
go...I've been dating a widower for over one and
a half years, his late-wife passed a way 3 years
ago. His adult daughter is getting married and
he says he's going to ask if he can bring me to
the wedding - which he's helping to pay for. This
is a big red flag to me. Why should he have to
ask permission? Am I overreacting?
Katie 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Abel:I have been dating a widower for 1 year, his
late-wife passed away 1 1/2 years ago. He got a
beautiful son 9 years old and the relashionship
has been wonderful. At the biginning we were
going out as "friends", then after 3 months we
start an exclusive relationship officially (none of
us date somebody else since we start our
relationship anyway), after 3 months more, He

was able to said "I love you" even when the first
time he crayed after to said so. He introduced
me with his family, his late-wife relatives and
friends as his girlfriend and we have been
talking about engage and marriage, but seems
like for any reason he is not ready yet. Even
when all his friends are allways asking when he
will marry and his parents are asking the same
question, he does not propose. His son asked
me if I was going to marry his dad and i
answered "I will love to but your dad did not
asked me , why are you asking me?" and he said
"because i want to have a mom again". I feel
when he say "I love you" he mined, but there is
something that is giving me a red flag; he keeps
his home like a sanctuary, all her things,
clothing, memorabila and pictures are all over
his home. He got a shrine with lots of pictures of
her in the living room and pictures all around in
all the rooms of the house. All furnitures are her
family memorabily. His closet is full with her
clothes, the sink inthe batroom keep her
toileteries, even two posters with she in her
wedding dress picture.We talked abou it and he
said he wants to keep them because he does
not want his son forget his mom and because
the kid only got memories of his mom when she
was sik he wants he sees the pictures when she
was happy and healty to change those bad
memories, and that if he takes away everything
he feels like he is erasing her existence from his
life. I fall in love with this wonderful men and his
kid, but i am afraid he expect from me to accept
to live in his wife's home and i don't think i can
do so.The thing is I love him, I think he loves me
and his son is for me like the son i have never
had,we became so close, but i don't know for
how long it's ok. to wait for a widower to be
ready and if he really will be ready one day to

start a new family life with me. He asked me to
go to live whit them, but first I am not going to
live with him unless we got married and second I
do not feel confortable to live in that wife's
home.Please tell me your opinion, I have been
very supporting with his grieving but has been a
year by now and i am getting to the point of
loosing my illusion. Besides that, I think all that
atmosphera is not healty for the kid, who needs
a normal family life desperally.Please, Abel I
need to knw your opinion and if there is
something you think i can do to make him get
over his gieving.
Jacquie 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Hi Abel...I wish I had come across this site a long
time ago. My boyfriend recently sabotaged our
relationship of a year, saying he cannot "let go"
of his wife. I am devastated because I have a
pattern of choosing partners who need
"rescuing" or "fixing" in some way, and when we
began dating, I begged him not to date me if he
felt he was not ready. He assured me he was. I
looked at all your five signs that a man is ready
to be serious with you, and he did all four except
for this one. He is now seeing a counsellor and
apparently is suffering from something called
"complex grief". Once again, I am left out in the
cold while the person I fell in love with and
continue to love deals with his issues. I guess I
chose the wrong man again, although i was
happier in this relationship than I have ever
been in any other, and believe me, I have been
out there a long time, 10 years in fact, since my
husband left me for someone else 10 years ago.
I just feel so embarrassed, rejected and sad.
Everyone tells me just to be on my own. Maybe

that is the best idea. Men just don't seem to
have their emotions together. They just push
their feelings aside and hope it will "all go away"
instead of dealing with it. I am so frustrated and
tired of it all.
Kay 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I am so glad to have found this website, it has
given me perspective since I have never dated a
widower before. I have been seeing a widower,
long distance at that, for 6 months; his wife died
almost 3 yrs ago and they were married 38 yrs.
After spending this time with him, it is apparent
that he struggles at times, he knows that life
goes on, that he needs to move on, but his heart
is not quite ready. I do understand some of the
concerns/problems posted by others as I have
experienced some of them as well i.e. not
having met the family yet. However, I know how
long it took me to 'right' myself after my divorce
and it does get better with time. So, instead of
fretting about where this relationship is going,
I'm just enjoying it for what it is, and letting it
unfold in it's own way and time. I am so glad that
he is a part of my life.
Sally 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I just wanted to get your perspective on my
situation. Thank you in advance for any advice. I
have been with my widower for over a year and
we have been living together for about a year.
Every time I bring up marriage in the future, he
says I should already know this will happen and
doesn't want to discuss it. We live together like
we are married, however his lack of wanting to

make a more permenant commitment worries
me. Our relationship is otherwise very good.. He
is very loving and kind to me and my children.
He treats my children like they are his own. Am I
right to be worried or am I just being impatient?
Joanne 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I have been dating a wonderful man for 10
months. His wife of 14 years passed a little over
a year ago leaving him alone to raise two boys.
The oldest boy has gone to school with my
daughter from day one. The youngest boy was
18 months old when she passed.They had a
good marriage...better than good, actually. She
was absolutely beautiful and, even though I only
knew her from school, I could tell she was a
special person. I used to watch the way they
interacted with each other at school functions
because it was obvious they were true partners
and they fascinated me.
When he asked me out, I surprised myself by
accepting and giving him my number. On our
first date, he touched the small of my back as
we were walking down some stairs and I can't
describe the way it made me feel. I knew I was
in trouble at that point.
We have basically been inseparable ever since,
except for when I go home. He immediately
talked of moving me and my daughter into his
house but I told him that wouldn't be a good
idea. When he talks about the future, he always
speaks as if I'm part of that future. I have never
clicked with anybody the way I click with him
and he says the same about me. The time spent
with him is as close to perfect as you can get. I
feel calm when I'm with him.

However, there is another side.
He has three tattoos. Two are for his kids. One is
for his wife. He drew it himself. It's an infinity
symbol inside a ring of fire. He said it's for her
and what they went through together while she
was sick and dying.
His house isn't a shrine to her but there are
pictures. Each boy have pictures in their room,
there are three pictures in his office on the
bulletin board and a framed picture in his
entryway. There are photo albums on the same
entryway bookshelf.
We have gone on trips together, alone and with
the kids. He has developed pictures from these
trips and has them framed in his living room,
family room, etc. I am not part of any of these
pictures. My daughter is in two of the pictures
but only because she was sitting next to his
boys.
He has said that he's still dealing with issues but
they have nothing to do with how he feels about
me. I believe him.
For about four months, I've increasingly felt like
more of a seat-filler than a love interest. He
denies this. I believe him.
Around the holidays, he became more distant.
He went on vacation and stayed with his wife's
aunt. He wanted me to go with him. I did not go
and my main reason was because I didn't feel
comfortable staying with his wife's family. I feel
that our vacation time should not include his
deceased wife. I didn't tell him that because the
timing wasn't ever quite right...and that's not me
trying to avoid a difficult situation.

About this time, I started talking about moving
forward with my life and how I was having
difficulty doing so because it made me feel like I
was moving in a different direction than he. I
need to set up my home for myself and my
daughter and it's very hard to do so when
wondering where my boyfriend and his boys fit
into the picture. I tried to open up a dialogue
with him but he misinterpreted what I was
saying.
I told him that my daughter and I didn't really
belong at his house and I needed to set up my
home so we would belong there. I told him that
living out of a duffel bag for much of the week
was becoming unbearable, even though every
part of me wanted to be with him and his boys
as much as possible. His response was, "I'm not
able to make any commitment other than what
we're doing right now."
I didn't want to move in or have a ring put onto
my finger. I wanted to know just exactly WHAT I
was to him. I brought up the fact that he had no
pictures of me in his home. He responded with,
"Well, I was married for 14 years and I only have
one picture of my wife up in the main house."
Exactly my point. His present life is with me yet
he projects his past life with her. He said that
he's included me in all of his activities,
etc....which is true...but the part that bothers me
is there is no sign of me at his house. His
sanctuary. Nothing. 10 months. Trips together.
Hanging out together. His wife's picture greets
everybody at the door.
The death anniversary came shortly after this.
He became even more distant (even though we
still saw each other all of the time). We went

through a two or three week period of absolute
torture...didn't know if we were together or
broken up, etc.
Finally, he opened himself up to understanding
where I was coming from. He said I could put
some stuff in the bathroom drawers for myself
and my daughter and cleared out dresser
drawers for us so I wouldn't have to drag the
hated duffel bag around. That wasn't exactly
what I was looking for but it showed he listened
and cared enough to try. I said that I was willing
to give it a try along with creating my home.
I put things in the bathroom...toothpaste,
makeup, hair gel, the works. A week later, I
showed up with my duffel bag full of extra
clothes and put them in the dresser. Not a
lot...enough for about three days. The next
morning when I went downstairs, I was greeted
with a new picture in the entryway. A large
framed black and white of his wife from when
she was much younger...maybe even a senior
picture from high school. I immediately went
upstairs and cleared out ALL of the drawers. I
took everything except for a box of tampons
because if there's anything you don't want to be
without in an emergency situation, it's tampons.
That was two weeks ago. I took my things but
didn't do anything further because I wanted to
give myself time to process the sudden
appearance of the new picture. I was over there
a couple of days ago and felt very
uncomfortable...like I was an intruder. I looked at
the pictures and his infinity tattoo.
I've decided to break up with him either this
week or next week...it depends on when I'll be

able to see him without having constant kid
interruptions.
My reasoning will probably sound petty, selfish
and insensitive but it's not. He still sees himself
as married to the most beautiful perfect person
who was so much his one-and-only that he
inked her onto his arm. He wants her picture to
be the first thing people see when the walk into
his home. That is not fair to me...or him, if you
really think about it. There is no room for me in
his life until she's completely in the past. There
shouldn't be any pictures of her anywhere in the
house, other than the boys' bedrooms. She
needs to be fondly tucked away in the past, but
not forgotten. I know for a fact that if I had a
framed picture of my ex-husband displayed in
my house, my boyfriend would have said
something about it right away. Just because she
died doesn't make it any different.
When you are in a relationship with someone,
there is no room for anybody else, living or
dead.
I deserve to have a real life. I am alive. I have
feelings, thoughts, dreams and fears just like
anybody else. I am important. If he isn't ready to
make me the most important woman in his life,
there is somebody else out there who will...but I
have to be available to find that person. Even if I
don't find that person and end up alone, it's still
better than being a consolation prize.
I will not ask him to take down his pictures. That
would be selfish of me. That is his home and he
needs to be free to live anyway that he chooses.
If what he does makes me uncomfortable, then I
need to take myself out of the picture. And he
will have to be okay with that because I deserve

a real life and it would be selfish of him to
expect anything else of me.
Linda 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I met a widower from an online dating service.
He is a great guy who is 57 years old only 5
years older than myself. I am divorced no
children. His wife died 4 years ago and has two
teenage daughters. We have been seeing each
other only on Saturdays (for 7 months now),
since he lives an hour away from me and wants
to be home during the week with his daughters,
which I can understand. He calls during the
week sometimes 1-2 times, only when his
daughters are not around. Recently he has not
called my on Fridays. I have met his younger
daughter and have gone out to dinner with
them. She was cordial, not sure if she likes me?
Have not met his mother, brother, his older
daughter, yet.I know his older daughter (age
19)does not approve of her dad dating. She has
listened in to our phone conversations, so he
calls from his cell phone or when she is not at
home. Not sure if she has looked at our emails.
When this happened I was quite upset. He said
she needs time to adjust. I said she needs some
counseling. I think he is feeling guilty about
leaving them, when he is with me.
At this time, I am concerned because he never
said the 3 words...I love you. The sex is great, he
always treats me to dinner, buys me things,
pleasant, and thinks I am a "nice lady". He
comes to my apartment to see me. Only once
did I go to his has when the girls were not home,
for 10 minutes...that was it.

We were suppose to spend a couple of days
with each other for New Year, but his older
daughter, was really upset, that he was
spending time with me, and went home. He told
me he did not want to leave her home alone on
New Year's Eve.
Should I just throw in the towel and say game
over your daughter won?? After reading some of
these posts...I do not want to waste my time.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, since I
have never dated a widower before.
Lynn 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Linda, sorry to say but you should run for your
life, I am currently married to widower and have
ended up in the hospital several times for
anxiety and all kinds of physical problems as a
result of stress. This will not get any better. I
would hate to see you go through an emotional
roller coaster. She has been gone for 4 years
and he is still grieving, his daughter will always
come before your relationship. You deserve
better.
Karen 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Dear Abel,I really appreciate this web site and
look forward to reading your book. I recently
started dating a man (D) who became a widower
about 5 years ago. I am glad he is comfortable
enough to talk about his late wife with me on
occasion, as their 24-year marriage was a good
one and I think she helped make him the
wonderful man that he is. Two things that I
would like you to comment on:

1. I am more comfortable when D. refers to his
late wife by her first name rather than "my wife,"
which makes me feel like I'm dating someone
who is still married. I told him this one, and he
thanked me for raising this awareness. He now
calls her by her first name about half the time,
and I realize I must be patient before he does
this all the time, as it is so automatic.
2. A couple times while we were in bed he
mentioned things he shared sexually with his
late wife that made me feel very uncomfortable,
first, because I didn't want a third party with us,
and second, because I believe that certain
aspects of any past relationship should remain
private, regardless of the circumstances of how
it ended. I asked him to keep it to "just us" when
we are in bed, and he apologized profusely and
has not brought her up in that context again. Is
this typical of widowers to do?
Overall I am very happy with how our
relationship is progressing and enjoy the time
we spend together immensely. I wouldn't call
these two things roadblocks, but rather,
awarenesses that I am curious about.
Thanks for your insights.
miranda 13 years ago· 0 Likes
My friend got married to a widower this is her
situation:Her widowed husband could not
understand that he doesn't have the right to live
with 2 wives? the first one his deceased wife for
5 years, his "house, HOME" is an altar for her,
SHE IS STILL THERE!!!!, Yes, her ashes are in a
prominent place in the Dinnig room,everything is
there. he doesn't want to buried her. Emotionally

he doesn't want to be separated from her Then
he start hiding and fixing things so his new wife
can share the space with the late wife. he insist
is right, he can love the new wife too. when he
says something hurtful to her, he says I'm sorry.
he runs into memory lane all the time, he lives
with the past like it is the present, but he has the
right because the first wife is "deceased"He is
sure he doesn't need theraphy, he is not
confuse. Now he start calling his new wife with
love words he used with his late wife, He is nice
and helpful with her new wife but he is not in
true love with her.How can she help herself?. Is
there a solution without a divorce? I do pray he
understand he is emotionally stuck. if he really
loves his new wife he would probably move on
in life. ThanksMiranda
Jill 13 years ago· 0 Likes
I have been dating a widow for 8 months now.
He is my best friend. His wife died a year ago.
He is not ready to open up his heart. I know
there is a chance that he will never open his
heart to me and break mine. But I care about
him alot and the thought of not having him in my
life makes me sad. We talk about his late wife
alot..which does not bother me at all. From
hearing the stories I am learning about him as
well. He has two young boys that I get along
with. One more than the other. I truly believe he
needs alot more time to grieve. I will be there for
him..hopefully he is ready one day..

Ted 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Abel, I and a 58 year old widower and I
forwarded this particular post of the 5 signs to
the lovely woman I have been dating seriously
for six months now. She said I passed the test in
flying colors. That is reassuring. My wife passed
away after a two-year struggle with a rare
malady about 2 1/2 years ago. This dear woman
is my second serious relationship in that time
frame since her death. Before I met her online, I
reconnected, almost by accident just six months
after my wife's death, with a college sweetheart
of 35 years ago and it 'clicked' from the
beginning from a physical and emotional
standpoint, but there was a distance factor.
Though I was quite ready to move on with my
life (the 'dance' as one male poster puts it) and
fully integrate her into my life and extended
family and plan for marriage, she was the one
who was not ready in the end though she had
been divorced for many years. Women in these
situations need to understand that even if the
widower is ready to move on, has already put
away the photographs and soforth literally and
figuratively, that the late wife will always be
there in manner through the sparkling eyes of
the children she bore and the memories family
members have of her. I think my first love from
college who also was my first and wonderful
love some six months after my wife's passing,
could not handle that. She backed out of family
get togethers at the last moment more than
once. The engagement ended after about a
year. So at the urging of my older daughters I
opened an eharmony account and that was very
interesting, culminating in matching with a
wonderful woman who is a bit closer but still

represents a long-distance relationship for the
foreseeable future. The difference is that she is
ready to understand who I am and what I am
because of the life I once had with my late wife
and the man I have become (though she didn't
know me then) through fathering my wonderful
children with that late wife. I would say, what's
worse for the new woman in the widower's life?
Having an occassional poignant moment with
him putting flowers at a graveside or indirectly
haggling with a bitter, still living ex-wife over
who gets the kids for the Christmas holiday? I'm
not a woman, but if I were, I woulld see myself
opting for the former.I think the widower thing
also can be confused as a red herring. Is a man
not wanting to commit, doing the push me-pull
me, because he is a widower or simply because
he is a man? He may be a cad. He may be
taking this second chance in life to be a 'player'.
He may be fifty years old, yes, but perhaps
having the same 'commitment' fears of a 28 year
old. Women should try to dig deeper in the
relationship to see indeed if the widower in the
man is causing the hesitation....or is he just
being a man! (sorry gals, but that's the way some
of us are).
But to those women dating widowers I offer the
same response I offered many of the divorced
women I communicated with through the online
dating service. I actually was presented with the
'sainted dead wife' question so many times
(though I actually only dated a handful) that I
composed the 'answer' and saved it on my PC
to copy and paste when it came up. It vexed me
a bit, a reaction to what I felt was a prejudice
towards me simply because I was a widower
and not a divorcee. Most of the women out
there dating or potentially dating widowers are

divorcees. So my answer to those raising the
question, a question almost literally taken from
your book title, "Is there room for two in your
heart?" would be--- Yes. I am ready to move on,
and in ME you will find a man who obviously
knows how to make a commitment. For after all I
was married for 25 plus years and did not waver
and took the 'in sickness and in health' vow
seriously. But dear lady, if the dead wife issue is
a sticking point, then I suggest you move on and
I wish you luck in finding a man who can commit
amongst that vast sea of divorced men. Good
luck.
Men are men, whether divorced or widowed.
Ladies should understand that an impediment in
commitment ability may not be linked to the trip
to the funeral home. It may be that the guy is
'released' (just as a divorced man is) and is
assessing the opposing values of commitment
versus a certain level of new freedom.
For one, I find a calm and a quiet comfort in the
good Lord above having taken my dear wife
home. It was a blessing. She is at peace. She
suffered for two years and was, little by little,
fading away, becoming a person my children
and I did not know. If her death had been
sudden, a car crash, then I may not be writing
this as I am. I may still be deeply grieving under
those circumstances. Each case is different. God
bless all in search of love and friendship and in
finding the right person to weave into the
existing tapestry of your life.

Abel Keogh 13 years ago· 0
Likes
Ted,Great insight. I hope all women who are
dating widowers have a chance to read what
you wrote.
Jill,
I too hope the widower is ready to commit one
day. However, keep in mind that life is short.
Don't waste the time you've been given.
Miranda,
Sounds like your friend is in a bad marriage. If
the differences can't be fixed, it's time to get out
before it's too late.
Abel
Abel Keogh 13 years ago· 0
Likes
Karen,In answer to your questions/comments:
1. Glad to hear that he’s calling her by her first
name most of the time. I think it’s an automatic
thing as I had the same problem when Marathon
Girl and I were first dating. Another acceptable
alternative (if you’re okay with it) is “the late
wife.”
2. I agree with you that some parts of any
relationship should remain private. I doubt the
widower would enjoy hearing about some of
things you shared sexually with other guys. I
can’t say whether it’s typical (I try not to mention
anything to Marathon Girl about what the late
wife and I did in bed) but what’s important is that

he’s stopped doing it and is making you feel like
number one. The widower seems sensitive to
your feelings. That’s a positive sign. You
wouldn’t believe the numbers of emails I’ve
responded to where the widower can’t shut up
about the late wife – no matter how much it
hurts his new wife/girlfriends feelings.
Abel
Ted 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Paul,Unless you are minimizing your side the of
the story, it appears this lady does not have so
much a "late wife" issue as she does a
CONTROL issue. Think about it. Remove the late
wife/widower context from your situation. Think
about how she reacts to other things in your
past, other 'non-her' parts of your life past or
present. Does she have issues with you
seeing/communicating with old male
buddies/school chums? Are friends of the
past/present who may or may not have been
shared friends with your late wife an issue? Has
she continued to tell you what to
do/eat/wear/purchase? If the answers to all or
some of these questions is Yes, then I could run,
not walk, away from this relationship. I dearly
loved my late wife but the one thing that clearly
stood out in our relationship that was a negative,
that I do not miss, is the control games she
played the older she got. I think this woman is
using the late wife as a control tool. Occasional
references to things in the past, to the late wife's
family, are a natural matter of life. You should be
expected to be sensitive to a degree and to
modify your behavior as it comes to a new
woman in your life, but you can not reinvent

yourself. Your past is part of who you are. Is a
widower supposed to bristle terribly at the
mention of an ex-husband? Of course not.
Ted 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Del Gal--Just had an opportunity to re-visit this
site and I saw your brief post for the first time.
You probably have already 'covered' this with
your widower, so my comment is probably late.
But I think you are correct in considering this a
red flag. Three years after the late wife's passing
and the fact that he is paying for the wedding? I
think asking permissiion is a bit too much. He
should have simply informed his daughter to put
you on the guest list. My wife passed away
about three years ago. Recently a daughter was
married and of course it was expected that the
wonderuful woman I am dating would be
attending this out of town event with me and be
staying in my sister's guest room. Every case is
different, but my girls would have been
disappointed if I had not had a
companion/date/significant other at the
festitivities to share this good and meaningful
event with. And practically speaking, what better
way for his family supposed to get to know you
except at such events like weddings,
christenings, birthday parties?
gg 13 years ago· 0 Likes
So how does one deal with the pictures in the
house ,greeting all who enter in the entry way?
When we cuddle on his couch there is a
picturewe both see looking at us from across he
room, a wedding picture on the top of the

television and a memorial candle with her
picture and the from and to dates on it. He
hasn't li it, thankfully. In the dining room are
plaques from her company and picures with her
children when they were small-they are both
grown now and accept our relationship. He can
have me feeling like I'm the most wonderful
person in the world and then tell me her
birthday just passed and their 40th wedding
anniversary is just around the corner. She's just
been gone a little over a year, he was faithful to
her the whole time they were together. What
can I do to deal with the up and down feelings I
have? I wasn't looking for this relationship, had
accepted the fact I would spend my last years
alone-I'm 60 nd divorced-and then he asked me
out, pursued me relentlessly and he began to
grow on me, even though I believed it was too
soon for him, telling him so, and now I'm in love.
I don't want to deal with a broken heart at this
age. When I tell him I think i's too soon for him to
be in love he tells me not to tell him how he
feels. He knows how he feels and he loves me,
he never wants to let me go. But it's those
pictures, his comments, and oh, the purse that
sits in the dining room. I've never looked in it,
but it would have to be hers. It's been in the
same place for the months we've been seeing
each other. I can see it, he can see it, it's just
sitting there. Like he's waiting for her to come
and get it. How do I deal with this?
Ted 13 years ago· 0 Likes
Complicated feeling gg, but not uncommon from
what I have read at posts on boards like this and
elsewhere. Personally, as a widower of 58 years
age, with late wife having passed about three

years ago, I could not see myself allowing these
'things' to be there...especially in the numbers of
items you describe....and expect a woman of
romantic interest to be comfortable around my
house. I have disposed of the meaningless
things such as clothing and shoes and such (and
purses). Given special things to my daughters
like jewlery. Set aside the wedding and diamond
ring for potential use by one of my sons when
they marry. A few family photos are around. My
sweetheart who I am very seriously dating
actually had a discussion about such photos
BEFORE she came to visit the first time and we
agreed that a few pics of me and late wife and
the children would actually be expected. But not
the beautiful ones, the ones that show late wife
in her youthful prime..and not any wedding
photos, the 'couples' shots of me and my late
wife cheek to cheek. No need to confront new
lady with such. She knows that I loved my late
wife. No need to slap her in the face with
it.Perhaps you should discuss the issues further
with him. I know it is had to let go of things that
remind you of a loved one who has passed, but
at about the one-year point I just let
go...realizing that 'things" were not really who
she was when she was alive.
Communicate...communicate...communicate
with this man you have fallen in love with before
giving up. And read Abel's book and perhaps
that one by Julie Donner Andersen from the
female perspective. And suggest he read them
as well. Some of the things he is doing, like
leaving the pics up, he may be doing because
he thinks that is what he is SUPPOSED to do.
There are plenty of sources and info that will tell
you that each person's journey through
widow/widowerhood is a customized one. I wish
for you the best and that your heart will not be

broken. It will be interesting to see Abel's P.O.V.
or advice. God bless...
Ted
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