Focus on the Family Magazine - December 2021/January 2022

TIMOTHY 

KELLER: 

Helping Families Thrive in Christ 

DEC 2021 / JAN 2022 

God s 

call ' 

to Mary . . . 

and to us 

pg. 25 

IT’S NOT TOO LATE 

FOR YOUR MARRIAGE 

HOW DOES YOUR TEEN 

FEEL CLOSE TO GOD?

Weary famIlIes need 

God’s encouragement 

and support 

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d 

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December 2021 / January 2022 

Contents 

Couples 

Faith & Inspiration 

Kids & Teens 

© RUTH BLACK / STOCKSY UNITED 

13 OUR NEWLYWED CHRISTMAS 

A marriage reflection 

from Audrey Setiadi 

14 IT’S NOT TOO LATE 

FOR YOUR MARRIAGE 

Before you choose divorce, consider 

these four principles that can bring 

healing to your relationship 

by Toni Nieuwhof 

19 A NIGHTGOWN TO REMEMBER 

When my husband and I let go of 

our expectations about gift-giving, 

we discovered new ways to feel 

loved and celebrated 

by Michelle Rayburn 

20 THE GREAT JAM DEBATE 

Minor annoyances can actually draw 

you and your spouse closer together 

by Jesse Neve 

In Every 

Issue 

4 LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT 

5 HACKS & FACTS 

12 MEDIA 

46 MY THRIVING FAMILY 

21 ALL BABIES ARE MIRACLES 

A pro-life insight from Tim Tebow 

22 HOLDING ON TO 

CHRISTIAN ROBERT 

Kristin and Kevin faced an awful 

choice. Their decision stunned 

everyone 

by Ginger Kolbaba 

25 GOD’S CALL TO 

MARY . . . AND TO US 

There’s a lot we can learn about the 

way a young Jewish girl responded 

to God 

by Timothy Keller 

28 ‘FAMILY TRADITIONS’: A 

PAINTING BY MORGAN WEISTLING 

Would my apple pie be as good as 

Nana’s this year? 

by Sheila Seifert 

30 JOY STEALERS 

Unmasking four thieves that want to 

rob you of God’s joy 

by Suzanne Eller 

33 MY DISRUPTED LIFE 

A parenting insight from Jean 

Darlae Yim 

34 RORY’S ODYSSEY CONNECTION 

A lonely college student found 

comfort from childhood “friends” 

during the pandemic 

by Thomas Jeffries 

38 HOW DOES YOUR TEEN 

FEEL CLOSE TO GOD? 

Identifying the right love language 

can enhance your child’s faith 

by Dr. Gary Chapman 

43 FIRST STEPS 

Show your kids how to practice and 

receive forgiveness 

by Natalie Frisk 

44 IS YOUR TEEN AT RISK? 

An open dialogue about suicide 

by Dr. Matthew Sleeth 

December 2021 / January 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT 

Jean-Paul Beran is 

president of <strong>Focus</strong> on 

the Family Canada. 

FOR MANY OF US, CHRISTMAS 

really is the most beautiful time of year. We get 

to see family, enjoy delicious baking, find the 

perfect presents for one another, celebrate old 

traditions while creating new ones, and most 

importantly, we get to experience anew the 

“good news of great joy that will be for all people,” 

as we read in Luke 2:10. 

For others, though, Christmas may be more 

difficult. It’s interesting that in the same verse 

of great joy, we also read “fear not.” As you 

know, there has been a lot to cause fear and 

sadness in our hearts, and when our eyes are focused on the 

challenges, we quickly forget God’s promises. I want to remind 

you today of the greatest promise ever fulfilled: the arrival of 

our Saviour, Christ the Lord. 

In this issue of the magazine, there’s a variety of articles that 

speak into these different experiences of the Christmas season. 

There are great ideas for creating memories with kids of 

all ages, as well as ways you can create unique traditions as 

a couple—whether you’re newlyweds or you’ve been married 

for years. But there are also articles that speak into those 

more challenging areas. On page 14, Toni Nieuwhof encourages 

those considering divorce that it’s not too late for their 

marriage. On page 30, Suzanne Eller shares what she learned 

about true joy in a season of darkness for those who aren’t 

feeling joyful in this festive time. And on page 44, Dr. Matthew 

Sleeth offers advice for creating an open dialogue about suicide 

with at-risk teens. 

Whatever you’re walking through this year, I pray you experience 

God’s joy, hope and peace. I also want to remind you 

that if we can help you and your family in any way, please 

don’t hesitate to reach out to us. Call 1-800-661-9800, email 

help@fotf.ca or visit <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Help to learn 

more. 

Blessings, 

Jean-Paul Beran 

good news 

of great joy 

CLINT BARGEN PHOTOGRAPHY 

president Jim Daly 

chief operating officer Ken Windebank 

publisher Steve Johnson 

focus canada president Jean-Paul Beran 

editorial director Sheila Seifert 

managing editor Andrea Gutierrez 

copy chief Scott DeNicola 

contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, Vance 

Fry, Jennifer Lonas, Thomas Jeffries, 

Marianne Hering and Jeff Masching 

art director Brian Mellema 

designer Anneka Jack 

cover Erin Drago 

media publishing director Kevin Shirin 

editorial assistant Kat Bittner 

print production Gail Wise 

circulation Sandy Grivy 

Thank you! 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and 

other resources through the generosity of friends 

like you. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Donate 

For a subscription, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ 

Magazine. 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine December 2021 /January 

2022, Vol. 6, No. 6 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2021 <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family. All rights reserved. Published by <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

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from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version ® (ESV ® ). 

Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry 

of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. ESV Text 

Edition: 2016. 

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4 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 

December 2021 / January 2022

DECORATING with 

with MEMORIES 

Throughout the year and whenever we were on vacation or visiting 

others outside of our area, my family and I would buy a Christmas 

ornament. Then we’d mark it with who we were with and what 

we were doing. As we decorated the Christmas tree, we’d talk 

about where we were and sometimes pray for the people we had 

been with. I remember buying an ornament after my children’s 

great-grandmother’s funeral. It was held in a mountain town where 

she’d lived. We still think of her every time we see that ornament. 

My children and I then share memories as we decorate. 

—Marla Kiley 

©HERNANDEZ & SOROKINA / STOCKSY UNITED 


HACKS & FACTS / CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS 

Video Sk its 

I come from a large, close-knit family, so I wanted 

my children to know all their cousins—those who 

lived near us and those who were long-distance. So 

in August, my extended family and I would come up 

with a Christmas-related theme such as “Christmases 

Past,” or “Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Then 

every family would create a short video. 

My husband, kids and I would create a short 

production. One time, my kids pretended to be 

spies. Another time, gangsters. On Christmas Eve, 

the families nearby would gather and watch the 

productions as part of our celebration. Those out 

of town could watch the videos on YouTube. Then 

my father would burn DVDs of the videos to give to 

each family as a gift. 

Not only was this a fun time and good Christmas 

Eve activity, but it also marked the years and included 

everyone in our extended family. In addition, my children 

and their cousins enjoy reminiscing about past 

videos. 

—Skay Johnson 

Good Gifts 

Our family has found that churches and some malls have Christmas 

trees decorated with the names of children in need. To train my 

children in how to give a good gift, I’d tell each of them to find an 

ornament on the Christmas tree at our church that represented 

a child who was their same age and gender. Then we’d go to the 

store and look through the toys and games, seeking to buy a gift 

that each of my children really wanted. 

After wrapping the gifts and affixing the ornaments as nametags, 

we’d bring them back to church the next week. With huge smiles, 

each of my kids would place their gift under the tree. Doing this, we 

were able to start the Christmas season by giving to others. 

—Chris Brack 

FOTF / ANNEKA JACK 

6 



VALUING LIFE / HACKS & FACTS 

Life-Affirming Volunteers 

I work at our city’s pregnancy resource center, so I bring my kids 

with me to work regularly throughout the year. We work together 

to dust and clean the waiting room and advocate rooms. After 

we clean each room, we pray for the moms who have upcoming 

appointments. We pray that God would help them to understand 

that He loves their preborn children, and also that He loves and 

values each woman. 

—Mary Holloman 

PRAYERS for PEOPLE 

BIG & small 

In order to teach our 6-year-old about the sanctity of life, we 

started making clear statements in our prayers such as: 

• “We pray for babies and children across the world, those in their 

mommies’ tummies, and those in heaven.” 

• “We pray for all of God’s people, big and small.” 

• “We pray for all of the grandparents in the world.” 

When my daughter asked questions, I explained that all people 

are blessings made by God. Therefore, all people—big or small, 

old or young—should be loved and protected because they are 

important to God. 

—Jacqueline Sullivan 

Created for a Purpose 

ARTEM VARNITSIN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

I am the mother of four beautiful children, one of 

whom was born irreparably “broken.” Avery, my 

5-year-old daughter, has a genetic syndrome that 

caused a cascade of visible structural problems 

affecting her face and skull. Her sweet, unusual face 

invites stares. Her tracheostomy and feeding tube 

elicit whispers, and yet Avery is unfazed. 

In a culture that devalues life based on disability and 

on arbitrary definitions of personhood, our family is 

armed with biblical truth. My children know we’ve all 

been created on purpose for a purpose. This value is a 

gift given by God to every human being. 

To learn these messages, we memorize Bible 

verses about having our identity rooted in Christ and 

the significance of being an image-bearer (Genesis 

1:27; Colossians 3:10; 1 Corinthians 15:49). Even my 

toddler participates in our daily Scripture memory. 

The world may be loud, but a mind fortified with 

the Word of God is infinitely more powerful. 

—Meg Apperson 


HACKS & FACTS / CHRISTMAS CLEANUP 

Linking Christmas 

to Easter 

On the same day we take down our 

tree (Epiphany, January 6), we begin 

celebrating Easter. Just as Advent 

and Christmas are a time of joyful 

anticipation for Christ’s birth, we begin 

anticipating the celebration of Christ’s 

resurrection with a devotion and 

discussion about Epiphany and how it 

recognizes the Magi’s visit to honor baby 

Jesus. We play games and teach lessons 

about Easter, eat special desserts and 

prepare our hearts for Christ’s death, 

burial and resurrection. 

—George Burke 

Our Un- 

Decorating Party 

At our house, the “un-decorating event” 

is as much a family tradition as putting 

up the tree. We each choose how to 

participate: taking down garlands, 

ornaments and lights, or packing 

things in their boxes. We plan a favorite 

food for our buffet-style supper and a 

favorite activity (board/card game) following 

the Christmas cleanup. 

—Nancy Koenig 

Tw eet 

TREATS 

Our annual after-Christmas party makes cleanup more manageable. After 

dismantling the tree, we tie it upright to a tree in our yard. Then we invite a 

few friends over to help us make edible ornaments to redecorate the tree 

for the birds. Strings of popcorn and cereal, seeded pinecones, orange peel 

cups and more delight the kids—and the birds. Of course, the hot cocoa and 

bird-themed treats for the kids make the party complete. 

—Cathy Mayfield 

FOTF / ANNEKA JACK

CHRISTMAS CLEANUP / HACKS & FACTS 

The Cleanup Game 

I put on my kids’ favorite holiday music and turn 

Christmas cleanup into a game with a list of tasks 

and rewards that I write on index cards. For kids who 

are too young to read, I draw a picture of the job and 

reward, and I review the task with them. 

For example: Put the ornaments away (without 

breaking them) = 10 extra minutes of screen time. Put 

your stocking in the box = 1 extra Christmas cookie. 

As they finish each task, I put their name on completed 

index cards and pin them on the bulletin board. 

Our cleanup game makes the evening go smoothly. 

—Elizabeth Cripe 

Memory 

ORNAMENTS 

(TOP)©LÉA JONES / STOCKSY UNITED; ©GUILLE FAINGOLD / STOCKSY UNITED 

We cut a piece of paper into small squares and write the letter 

B, for bulb, on half the squares and the letter M, for memory, on 

the other half. I fold the papers and place them in a bowl. Then 

the kids take turns picking one of the squares. When the slip of 

paper is a B, that child selects a plain Christmas bulb to take off 

the tree and place in the storage box. 

If a child draws the letter “M,” that child selects any nonbulb 

ornament. These ornaments, handed down from 

relatives through the years, all have a family memory associated 

with them. Before the memory ornament is placed in the 

storage box, we remember the story associated with the ornament: 

a big snowstorm on the day a family member was born, 

Grandma’s wedding in a small chapel in Ireland, baptismal 

memories and past Christmases. Sometimes the children have 

a memory about certain ornaments on the tree that they want 

to share, too. 

Secret Notes 

—Colleen Lasky 

As my family puts decorations away, we each create a secret note 

or drawing and tuck it among the ornaments, to be discovered 

next year. Finding the notes this year as we decorated the tree 

was fun! And when it was time to clean up after Christmas, everything 

went smoothly because we were all trying to sneak in our 

notes and drawings for next year. We now have a fun tradition to 

look forward to after the excitement of Christmas wears off. 

—Autumn Shaffer 


HACKS & FACTS / NEW YEAR’S 

BLESSINGS 

in a Cookie 

I wanted a family friendly way to inspire confidence that God has good plans for 

our future. 

I baked homemade fortune cookies and, instead of inserting “fortunes,” I wrote 

down the traits of spiritual fruit on slips of paper—love, joy, kindness. I also jotted 

down some virtues I wanted my kids to work on during the next year, including 

cheerfulness and generosity. I even included little blessings such as “May God 

bring you peace.” 

My family enjoyed opening the cookies and revealing their words for the year. 

My youngest opened up “cheerfulness” and resolved to be joyful to her siblings 

that week. My oldest pulled “generosity” and wanted to make more fortune 

cookies for grandparents. This inspired the kids to search Scriptures for more 

words to add to the blessing papers. 

—Maria Weir 

may God bring you peace 

Time Capsules 

My family fills out a simple end-of-year questionnaire I created. 

It includes topics such as best memories of the year, the 

hardest situation faced, examples of kindness witnessed and 

observations of Jesus at work in their life. 

We store the questionnaires in a container labeled with the 

year, and then we store them with the Christmas decorations. 

My kids haven’t always loved this activity, and I’m somewhat 

haphazard in following up, but I’m glad we pressed on. This 

year we pulled out our “time capsules,” some from a few years 

back, and read everyone’s answers aloud. What a powerful 

time! My children shared their thoughts and memories and 

expressed surprise at what their father had felt were hard times. 

We celebrated and even mourned together. It helped us better 

understand each other and bonded us in ways far deeper than 

I could have imagined. 

—Kristi Woods 

ADRAGAN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

10 



NEW YEAR’S / HACKS & FACTS 

New Year Horizons 

Living in the Southwest desert, winter is a 

great time of year to be outside. On New 

Year’s Day, we take an early morning hike in 

the mountains near our home. 

It’s a symbolic journey. As we hike, we 

consider the sun rising, the darkness of night 

giving way to a bright new day and a new 

year. We talk about our best days last year, 

and the hard days, too. We talk about how 

we have grown or changed. 

By the time we are looking out over the 

valley, our conversation shifts to what new 

horizons lie before us. We talk about our 

goals and hopes for the new year. I tell my 

children why we hike at sunrise on New 

Year’s Day, and I tell them what a gift it is to 

be given another new year. 

And then, throughout the year, we 

remember the sunrise hike and talk about 

how we’re living out our goals. 

—Melissa Johnson 

© LEXIA FRANK / STOCKSY UNITED; (CONFETTI) OLGA ZARYTSKA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

A Year of Gratitude 

Each New Year’s Eve, before the popcorn and 

fireworks, we dump out the contents of our 

Gratitude Jar and take turns reading the entries. 

We’ve filled our Gratitude Jar throughout the 

year with little notes of things we’re thankful 

for. It usually takes a while to read the slips of 

paper because we talk and laugh as we share our 

memories. 

Once we’ve gone through them all, we gather 

construction paper and scissors to cut new slips 

of paper for use in the coming year. We keep our 

Gratitude Jar, pens and paper in a visible location 

so we are reminded to make deposits often. 

—Jen Skates 

Survey Says . . . 

We conducted a family survey to encourage goal setting 

for the next year. Each of our children answered questions 

such as: 

• How can we bring our family closer together? 

• What is our greatest needed area of growth? 

• Dad, I wish you would . 

• Mom, I wish you would . 

Our 9- and 11-year-old daughters gave honest answers 

including, “Understand everyone’s needs,” “Try not to 

worry so much, Mom and Dad” and finally, “Enjoy God 

and each other!” 

This activity gave us insight into how our children perceived 

family life. It also brought us closer together, giving 

us a spirit of oneness as we set goals for the new year. 

—Sara DuBose 


MEDIA / PLUGGED IN 

UPCOMING 

REVIEWS 

For reviews of these 

and other titles, visit 

PluggedIn.com, 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s 

media review and 

discernment website. 

WEST SIDE STORY 

How does Steven Spielberg’s bigscreen 

remake handle Tony and 

Maria’s doomed romance? 

Scheduled release: Dec. 10 

Every time I turn around, there’s a new 

superhero story. How do I know which 

ones are appropriate for my kids to watch? 

You’re right. Superheroes are everywhere 

these days, on the big screen and small. 

Let’s start with the Marvel Cinematic 

Universe, a combined movie and TV 

world where this franchise’s heroes fit into a complex, 

interconnected story. This year, we’ve got Black 

Widow, Eternals, Shang-Chi and Spider-Man: No 

Way Home in theaters. Disney+ has played host to 

“WandaVision,” “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” 

and “Loki,” among others. 

The franchise includes intense-but-sanitized 

violence, some profanity and occasional suggestive 

references. If you’ve seen any Marvel movies or shows, 

expect similar content in the others. 

DC, home to Batman, Superman and Wonder 

Woman, offers a grittier, sometimes R-rated take on 

its famous heroes. You’ll encounter more language, 

bloodier violence, more mature sexual material and a 

darker, grimmer world—especially in movies such as 

this year’s Zack Snyder’s Justice League and The Suicide 

Squad (both rated R). 

From there, lesser-well known shows such as “The 

Boys” (Amazon Prime), “Watchmen,” “Doom Patrol” 

(HBO Max) and “Jupiter’s Legacy” (Netflix) all feature 

hard-R content and a cynical worldview. 

It’s a lot to take in. Bottom line: Superhero stories 

aren’t created equal. Some are more heroic than others. 

Before streaming or buying movie tickets, you’ll want to 

research each one. And Plugged In reviews are a great 

place to start. 

—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In 

HALO INFINITE 

Master Chief is back! Is 

the latest entry in this 

video-game franchise 

too intense for your 

kids? 

Scheduled release: Dec. 8 

SPIDER-MAN: 

NO WAY HOME 

Will the web slinger 

retain the boyish naiveté 

that charmed audiences 

in previous installments? 

Scheduled release: 

Dec. 17 

(TOP TO BOTTOM) © 2020 20TH CENTURY STUDIOS; © 2021 CTMG. & 2021 MARVEL; XBOX GAME STUDIOS 

12 



our newlywed 

Christmas 

A marriage reflection 

from audrey Setiadi 

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE SETIADIS VIA LINDSEY ROMAN 

Dedy and audrey Setiadi on their wedding day 

MY HUSBAND, DEDY, AND I embraced our 

first Christmas season as a married couple with a sense 

of adventure. We chose to experience the excitement of 

three celebrations: with my side of the family, with his 

side of the family—and our very own take on the holiday. 

My side of the family had their traditional eggs 

Benedict breakfast, the sporting of paired pajamas and a 

gift-opening ceremony that included a riotous revealing 

of secret Santas. 

Dedy’s family held minute-to-win-it games, a colorcoordinated 

family picture and a remarkable spread of 

Hawaiian, Indonesian and other scrumptious holiday 

dishes that included fish, chicken and king crab. 

For Dedy and me, our first Christmas season as husband 

and wife included surfing, making meals together, opening 

presents (laughing about the “hidden” gifts accidentally 

discovered in our small apartment) and reflecting. 

We also used Advent studies to journal and discuss the 

marvel of Christ. We soaked in the surreal recognition of 

God made flesh. In the midst of an incredibly busy season, 

taking this time to reflect helped us find deep-seated purpose 

and connection in God’s presence. 

When our first holiday season as a married couple 

came to an end, we were full of contented joy and thankful 

for the relationships that connected us to our extended 

families and to God, the ultimate giver of peace and joy. • 

audrey Setiadi is a high school teacher in Hawaii. She and Dedy were 

married in June 2020. 


COUPLES / RESTORATION 

IT’S NOT 

TOO LATE 

FOR YOUR 

MARRIAGE 

Before you choose divorce, 

consider these four principles 

that can bring healing to your 

relationship 

BY TONI NIEUWHOF 

I HADN’T EVEN MADE THE 

TURN INTO OUR DRIVE- 

WAY when I saw the scene. My 

husband’s Mazda was balancing 

precariously 5 feet in the air over a 

retaining wall. 

You might think my first reaction 

would have been, “I hope Carey’s OK!” 

Instead, with a disgusted shake of 

my head, I thought, You’re getting what 

you deserve. Now clean up your own 

mess. I imagined the scenario: Carey 

had tried to squeeze 10 tasks into the 

space of eight, fell behind, raced out 

the door 10 minutes late, sped through 

a three-point turn and voilà. 

I felt no compassion. That’s how 

bad our more than 10-year marriage 

had become. 

© YAROSLAV DANYLCHENKO / STOCKSY UNITED 

14 



RESTORATION / COUPLES 

Living with resentment 

Fortunately, Carey had found another 

way to get where he needed to go. 

When he arrived home, I was ready for 

a fight—or should I say another fight. 

We no longer had isolated arguments. 

They ran into each other because our 

resentment and bitterness were constantly 

simmering under the surface. 

A provocative eye roll was enough to 

set one of us off. 

I resented the way our life had no 

margin—the relentless cycle of too 

much work, not enough hours. I had 

often complained, “You’re saying yes 

to too many things, and this pace is 

wreaking havoc on us.” 

Carey had his own resentments. He 

saw all the housework that needed to 

be done and believed I wasn’t stepping 

up to help. According to him, I was too 

focused on other things and blew off 

his priorities. 

The worst part was that our marriage 

should have been better. After all, 

Carey was a pastor, and I volunteered 

at our church. We were also lawyers 

and had received training in divorce 

law. We’d seen up close what divorce 

can do to families—and how God can 

work to save marriages in crisis. But 

the truth was, I was on the edge of 

ending it all. 

If you find yourself in a similar place 

in your marriage, you understand 

those feelings of emotional dissatisfaction, 

frustration, anger and distress. 

I mean, who wants to live out the rest of 

their days in misery? I get it; I remember 

the endless nights of lying awake 

wondering, How can we make it? Do 

I even want to? 

Yet we did make it. This year, Carey 

and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. 

We’re living a marriage that not 

only measures up to our wedding-day 

dreams but also surpasses them. 

Lessons learned 

How did Carey and I make it from that bad to this good? In addition 

to committed prayer, counseling and determination, we focused 

on four principles that helped us move toward a better marriage 

instead of divorce court. If you’re thinking about ending your marriage, 

I’d encourage you to first consider the lessons we learned. 

© JUAN MOYANO / STOCKSY UNITED 

LESSON NO. 1: 

PLANT NEW 

SEEDS FOR 

A BETTER 

HARVEST. 

THE PRINCIPLES of the harvest apply to marriage. As 

pastor Nicky Gumbel says, you harvest what you sow, 

later than you sow and more than you sow. 

Carey and I would not have survived in our marriage 

if we had continued planting the same old words 

and actions. We discovered that if we wanted a better 

harvest, we needed to start planting better seeds. 

We saw firsthand that if we planted discord, we harvested 

chaos. If we planted resentment, we harvested 

contempt. But if we planted new seeds of kindness, 

self-control and respect, just to name a few, we began 

to see a miracle harvest in the making. Though it took 

time, the new seeds grew into thriving plants. >>> 


LESSON NO. 2: 

MAKE SURE 

THE LIGHT 

WITHIN ISN’T 

DARKNESS. 

The 

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A biblically based program 

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ONE of our biggest problems was that we both 

believed we were right and the other person was 

wrong. In short, we had a problem with our eyes. 

In Luke 11:34, Jesus said that when our eyes are 

healthy [the Greek word implies generous], we are 

filled with His light. But when our eyes are bad [the 

Greek word implies stingy], we fall into darkness. 

Here are questions Jesus might ask you about your 

marriage: How are your eyes? Do you see what is true 

about your spouse? Do you see what is true about you? 

I didn’t like what I saw. When Carey wrecked his 

car, instead of being generous in my response, I had 

been stingy. So first I had to ask Jesus to clear my eyes. 

I also had to ask Him to clear my ears to hear what 

He said. That meant I needed to take time on my own 

with Jesus—without child care responsibilities. My 

preferred time to pray and read my Bible is first thing 

in the morning. When our kids were babies, that routine 

didn’t work, so I chose evenings or nap times. 

I started with God, I have this problem. Please help! 

And then I laid it out and asked Jesus to show me 

what was true. I asked Him to do what only He can do: 

shine light into the darkness. Jesus answered by leading 

me to a Christian counselor, wise mentors and 

friends who could help me see my blind spots, which 

were contributing to unhappiness in my marriage. 

© JUAN MOYANO / STOCKSY UNITED

RESTORATION / COUPLES 

LESSON NO. 3: 

UNDERSTAND THAT 

THE TIME FOR PEACE 

IS NOW. 

LISTEN NOW! 

Mark and Jill Savage openly 

discuss the marital struggles 

they’ve had and how to avoid the 

mistakes they made. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio 

© MONICA PRONK / STOCKSY UNITED 

I MET Marcus* when he and his wife, 

Katie*, were getting divorced. They 

had three kids between ages 4 and 

9. Marcus ran a business, and Katie 

was a stay-at-home mom. He saw the 

problems in their marriage as a box he 

could pack up and leave behind. 

Throughout the divorce proceedings, 

I heard both Marcus and Katie say they 

wanted what was best for their kids. 

I could see they sincerely didn’t want 

their sons to be caught in the middle. 

After the divorce was finalized, 

Marcus discovered the marriage box 

was taken away, but in its place he 

was handed a box containing different 

problems. Now the parenting schedule 

was a perpetual issue. His finances 

were tighter than he ever imagined. 

His friendship circles imploded, and 

nights of fun disappeared. He had 

sources of conflict that he never 

dreamed would be a part of his life. 

And worst of all, their kids didn’t 

experience more peace. 

Katie let slip how frustrated she was 

that Marcus didn’t pay support on time. 

She didn’t think about the emotional 

impact on her boys when she vented 

about her expenses. Marcus didn’t 

intend to complain to his kids that their 

mother didn’t care if he had no money 

left to spend on them. But they heard it. 

When I saw Marcus again after the 

divorce, he looked at me through teary 

eyes and said, “If only I’d known then 

what I know now, I would have worked 

harder to save my marriage.” 

When our marriages are in distress, 

we may wonder whether we need to 

leave for the sake of our kids. After all, 

we think, Is this the model of love we 

want our children to grow up with? 

Having been a divorce attorney, 

I can say that walking out is not going 

to provide more peace for your children. 

The time to find peace is now, 

before divorce. Children do need their 

parents to stop fighting in dysfunctional 

ways in front of them. They need 

to see them get past their cold wars, 

stubbornness and indifference. That is 

what will bring them peace. 

If you think there’s no way this can 

ever happen in your marriage, humbly 

ask Jesus whether He agrees. 

Would planting tiny seeds of loving 

acts (not false feelings of affection) and 

messages spoken with a kinder tone 

disrupt the negativity you’re caught in? 

Could it be that Jesus is leading you to 

own something hurtful and genuinely 

apologize? Your willingness to take 

small steps for the sake of your children 

may create just enough hope to 

save your marriage. >>> 


COUPLES / RESTORATION 

LESSON NO. 4: 

FIGHT FOR “US” 

INSTEAD OF “ME.” 

IN EPHESIANS 5:21, the apostle Paul said we 

should be “submitting to one another out of reverence 

for Christ.” Carey and I needed to learn to 

elevate the value of keeping our relationship strong 

over satisfying our individual desires. We needed to 

start thinking in terms of us instead of me. That meant 

we had to intentionally humble our attitudes and 

compromise some of our wants for the sake of our 

connection with each other. 

We started simply. Our interior-decor tastes are 

different. Whenever we redecorated our home, we 

argued over everything, clinging tightly to our own 

preferences. But as we began to fight for us, we 

became more patient and open-minded, willing to 

negotiate and respect the views and tastes of the 

other. We gave up our former way of incessantly trying 

to persuade the other person to adopt our own 

sense of style. Now our shared priority is for both of 

us to be satisfied with the outcome. 

To keep fighting for we when things get heated, 

we remember this motto: If I win, we lose. How can 

we win? 

If I know Carey will be unhappy with a particular 

choice, I don’t push for it. Carey does the same for me. 

Both of us consider that a choice that leaves the other 

person unsatisfied is an unacceptable choice. As a 

result we’ve become more creative as we brainstorm 

potential solutions to our challenges. 

Plant new seeds, 

even while weeping 

At my lowest point, I didn’t want to 

take those first steps toward repairing 

my broken marriage. Taking them 

seemed too difficult. In light of the outcome, 

I can identify with the psalmist: 

“He who goes out weeping, bearing the 

seed for sowing, shall come home with 

shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with 

him” (Psalm 126:6). 

Weeping while planting the initial 

seeds of change in my marriage is an 

apt picture. I wasn’t filled with much 

hope. I wasn’t inspired by feelings of 

affection. I was filled with grief and 

despair. But I trusted Jesus with the 

hope of a harvest. 

I could easily have followed my 

emotions out the door. But I’m grateful 

I didn’t. I’m grateful that the next 

time Carey had an incident with his 

car, my response was loving. And his 

responses to my mistakes have been 

generous as well. 

Jesus offers Carey and me a power 

and a source of love that can’t be 

exhausted. He offers it to you and your 

spouse, too. The truth is that I couldn’t 

imagine the harvest God had for my 

marriage. I doubt you can see the harvest 

He has for you either. But trust 

Him, and you’ll find it on the other 

side of not giving up. • 

Toni nieuwhof is the author of Before You 

Split: Find what you really want for the future 

of your marriage. 

*names have been changed. 

© ROB AND JULIA CAMPBELL / STOCKSY UNITED 

18 



EXPECTATIONS / COUPLES 

a nightgown to remember 

When my husband and I let go of our 

expectations about gift-giving, we discovered 

new ways to feel loved and celebrated 

BY MICHELLE RAYBURN 

RAWPIXEL.COM / STOCK.ADOBE.COM; (PATTERN) GREENBUTTERFLY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

I HELD UP THE SOFT 

FLANNEL nightgown and matching 

slippers, a gift from my husband, 

Phil. I liked them immediately—until 

I glanced at the tag. Size medium. I’m 

an XL gal. 

“I might have to exchange these,” 

I said. 

“They can’t be exchanged,” Phil 

replied. 

This nonrefundable mini-garment 

was mine to keep. That did not sit well 

with me. 

After I cooled down, I suggested 

we stop buying gifts for each other 

because our gift-giving practices 

almost always resulted in conflict. We 

worked out a birthday and holiday 

agreement where we’d splurge on one 

item we wouldn’t otherwise purchase 

for ourselves. This arrangement eased 

the pressure on both of us. 

When I dreamed aloud about 

someday getting a smart watch, Phil 

suggested we get it for my birthday. 

Another time, he urged me to book a 

weekend at a bed-and-breakfast to 

write. When Phil paused to admire a 

pricey canoe paddle at the sporting 

goods store, I said, “Happy birthday! 

Let’s get it.” We bought a dishwasher 

for our 22nd anniversary, and there 

have even been occasions where neither 

of us desired anything but time 

with the other. 

In a private conversation during a 

marriage seminar more than a decade 

after the nightgown incident, we calmly 

talked about how that moment had 

made each of us feel. Our initial fix— 

no gifts—had removed the expectations 

and eased the friction, but true healing 

came when we really listened to each 

other’s perspectives. 

Today, we strive to follow the admonition 

of Philippians 2:3-4: “Count 

others more significant than yourselves. 

Let each of you look not only to 

his own interests, but also to the interests 

of others.” Here are some ways that 

we now show everyday thoughtfulness: 

• Hide notes of affirmation around 

the house for each other. 

• Prepare the other’s favorite treat. 

• Give genuine compliments. 

• Take the time to ask what makes 

the other feel appreciated. 

Gift-giving doesn’t require a perfectly 

wrapped present, but it does 

require intentionality, vulnerability 

and good communication. • 

michelle rayburn is a freelance writer and 

podcaster, and the author of nine books. 


COUPLES / CONFLICT 

minor annoyances 

can actually draw 

you and your spouse 

closer together 

BY JESSE NEVE 

MY HUSBAND, DAVE, WAS 

CONVINCED that the “right” 

way to put jam on toast was with a 

knife. I knew it was a spoon. For years 

this was our discussion every time we 

used the toaster. 

Finally Dave said, “I understand it 

now—you grew up with your mom’s 

homemade jam, and it’s less thick than 

store-bought jam. Of course you would 

use a spoon!” And from then on, we 

accepted each other’s jam spreading. 

There may not always be an answer 

for why your spouse spreads jam the 

“wrong” way, but here are some ideas 

for how to keep differences and minor 

annoyances from pushing you apart. 

Irritating behavior 

I never fully latched the linen closet in 

our bathroom because I knew I’d be 

back there soon. The unlatched door 

bugged Dave. When he mentioned it, 

we debated the importance of latching 

it. Though not important to me, I now 

latch it because it matters to him. So 

sometimes I need to adjust. 

Different skill sets 

I’m our family-trip planner. Dave is 

our navigator. Once we understood our 

roles, we were able to function within 

them and defer to the other’s expertise 

without opinions getting in the way. 

We find ways to complement and not 

compete with each other. 

Annoying chores 

I hate ironing. I would almost rather 

get rid of a shirt than iron it. Dave 

doesn’t mind ironing. I, on the other 

hand, don’t mind laundry. I can get 

out any stain, and I know exactly which 

materials will wash well with others. 

Job division doesn’t have to be equal, 

just balanced, and not all jobs need to 

be shared. 

Different ways 

of doing things 

I had my flip phone far longer than 

people around me. When I upgraded, 

a family member suggested I put our 

daily calendar on it. 

Dave defended my paper system: 

“She runs our family well the way she 

does it. Why mess with that?” His 

defense of how I did things made me 

feel respected as a person. In marriage, 

it’s important to allow for differences. 

Dave and I are still discovering ways 

that we do life together as a couple with 

five kids. We’ve found that it’s the little 

things that annoy us. But the little things 

also make our marriage wonderful. • 

Jesse neve is a freelance writer in minnesota. 

MOVING MOMENT 322057983-322058004 

20 



all babies are miracles 

a pro-life insight from Tim Tebow 

AS TOLD TO BENJAMIN HAWKINS 

SVETLANAIS / STOCK.ADOBE.COM; GALYANA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

EVERY LIFE IS A MIRACLE: the life of a preborn baby, the life of a child 

with special needs and the life of any vulnerable person across the globe. 

My parents believed that my life was a miracle, too. When my mother was pregnant 

with me, a doctor in Mindanao—an island in the Philippines where my parents 

served as missionaries—told them abortion was their only option. My mother’s life 

was at risk, but my parents refused to end mine. 

On Aug. 14, 1987, I came into the world. My mother called me her “miracle baby,” 

as did the doctor who delivered me. 

My wife, Demi, and I believe that God creates life, that He creates every single boy 

and girl in His image and that He loves each of them dearly. Demi had a younger sister 

named Franje who was born with special needs. “We actually only found out that 

she had special needs at about 4 months,” Demi says. “But that didn’t matter to us, 

because she was family, she was my sister.” 

Franje died in 2019 at age 13. From beginning to end, her life was filled with value 

and her family’s love. Franje’s challenges didn’t make her any less of a miracle to 

those who knew her. 

Every life—preborn or born—is miraculous. • 

Tim Tebow is a retired professional football player and founder of Night to Shine, proms for children 

with special needs. He is also the author of a children’s book, Bronco and Friends: A party to remember. 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / VALUING LIFE 

christian and Kristin 

HOLDING ON TO 

Ch r isti anRob ert 

Kristin and Kevin faced an awful choice. 

Their decision stunned everyone 

BY GINGER KOLBABA 

KRISTIN AND KEVIN BOTSFORD 

PACKED UP THEIR TWO SONS— 

5-year-old Cooper and 2-year-old Carson—and 

headed to the OB-GYN for Kristin’s 20-week 

ultrasound. 

After Kristin checked in at the front desk, a 

technician led the family back to an exam room. 

Kristin settled on the table while Kevin corralled 

the boys in the corner. When the image 

of the baby popped up on the screen, Kevin 

pointed at the fuzzy black-and-white image 

moving around, telling his sons, “That’s your 

brother or sister!” 

The boys looked excited. Was the new baby a 

boy or girl? 

“It’s a boy!” the technician announced. 

The family rejoiced—Carson and Cooper 

grateful for a brother, Kristin and Kevin thankful 

for the boys’ excitement about new life. None of 

them paid much attention to the technician. 

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE BOTSFORD FAMILY 

22 



VALUING LIFE / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

(TEXTURE) FOTF / ANNEKA JACK 

Was something wrong? 

The technician kept clicking, measuring 

repeatedly and more carefully, and 

eventually Kristin noticed. She’d never 

had an ultrasound scan that lasted this 

long. Cooper and Carson were starting 

to get antsy. 

“These measurements seem off,” the 

technician said. “Let me have the doctor 

check them.” 

The family celebration ended 

abruptly. Kevin took the boys from the 

room while the doctor looked everything 

over. She gave Kristin some 

difficult news: Their baby was badly 

deformed, with a dangerously narrow 

chest cavity. His limbs were considerably 

shorter than was normal at his 

gestational age, and the femur bones 

were bent like tiny boomerangs. 

But the doctor encouraged Kristin, 

telling her that more tests were needed 

to verify the baby’s condition. She 

suggested they visit a maternal fetal 

medicine (MFM) doctor. 

What would 

the tests show? 

Soon after, the Botsfords received the 

test results, but the information didn’t 

put them at ease. Their son had clear 

signs of skeletal dysplasia, a condition 

that affects bone and cartilage development. 

Since the anomalies in his 

bone structure could be detected so 

early in the pregnancy, the MFM doctor 

believed they were likely to be fatal. 

“Do you want to terminate this pregnancy?” 

the doctor asked. Both Kristin 

and Kevin immediately said no. 

More testing confirmed that their 

son had Jeune syndrome, a congenital 

dwarfism, also called asphyxiating 

thoracic dystrophy. His chest cavity 

wouldn’t be large enough for him to 

breathe properly. According to this 

diagnosis, they learned, their baby 

wouldn’t live long, and during his short 

life, he would suffer terribly. 

Could they rely on 

the God of comfort? 

Again, the medical team suggested 

terminating the pregnancy. Again, the 

Botsfords said no. They remembered 

what their pastor had said: “Comfort 

is the god of our generation. Suffering 

is seen as a problem to be solved, not 

a providence from God.” They decided 

to let God work in their situation as 

He chose. 

“If I’m being honest, though, a large 

part of me wanted this painful process 

to be over very quickly,” Kristin 

confessed. 

If the Botsfords thought the prognosis 

couldn’t get worse, they discovered 

that it could. After reading a fetal MRI, 

the doctor confirmed the diagnosis. 

He told them that a child with their 

baby’s measurements had never survived 

at their hospital, at the University 

of Texas Southwestern Medical Center 

in downtown Dallas—a renowned 

research facility. 

He would struggle for each breath. 

How long would 

the baby live? 

The Botsfords met with Dr. Natalie 

Frost, a neonatologist who explained 

the different levels of care available 

for the baby after birth. The truth 

was they didn’t know how long they 

would have him. Minutes? Hours? 

Days? Weeks? Dr. Frost said that if 

she had to guess, she would say hours, 

maybe a few days. 

Kristin and Kevin prayed fervently 

that God would perform a miracle and 

completely heal their son. Recognizing 

that He might not choose to heal their 

baby, they also prayed that He would 

give them the strength to live out their 

faith throughout this journey and 

beyond. 

On Saturday morning, Aug. 12, 2017, 

Kristin’s contractions began. The couple 

called their parents, encouraging 

them to get to the hospital in Dallas 

soon so they could see their new grandbaby 

before he passed away. 

Why did Christian cry? 

Later that afternoon, Christian Robert 

was born—weighing in at 8 pounds, 

1 ounce. But something unexpected was 

happening. He was crying. Loudly. >>> 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / VALUING LIFE 

The Botsford family (left to right): Christian, 

Kristin, carson, Kevin and cooper 

christian 

A nurse placed Christian in Kristin’s 

arms. As Kristin held him, she kept 

waiting for him to struggle to breathe— 

or to die. Seconds turned to minutes, 

and her baby kept acting healthy. 

Finally the nurse took him to check 

his vitals—oxygen, normal; breathing, 

normal; bone structure, normal. 

“This is not the same baby we saw in 

all those scans,” Dr. Julie Lo, the attending 

obstetrician, admitted. “I can’t 

explain it.” 

Kristin and Kevin could—“Only God 

could have changed the outcome.” 

Not long after Mom and baby got 

settled into a room, Dr. Frost appeared 

with good news. “OK, we need a new 

plan!” she said. 

Kristin felt excited by her child’s 

healthy appearance, but she tried to 

stay guarded. Were they really going to 

be able to take him home? 

Kristin and Christian stayed in the 

hospital a few days for observation. All 

of Christian’s signs were healthy, so the 

hospital released them. There was only 

one problem: Planning for the worst, 

the Botsfords had brought nothing 

with them to take a baby home. Kevin 

quickly headed to their house to get a 

car seat and other baby items and then 

returned to the hospital. 

When was 

hospice needed? 

Even so, hospice workers came to 

check on Christian once a week. By the 

fourth week, Kristin told them, “This 

baby is healthy. Your services are no 

longer needed.” 

Christian, now 4 years old, is excited 

to start playing soccer and T-ball this 

coming year. He shows no signs of skeletal 

dysplasia or any other issue. 

Kristin kept the hospital discharge 

summary papers she received. The 

words clearly state, “Incompatible 

with life.” 

She shivers to think about what 

would have happened had she terminated 

their baby. “God had a plan,” 

she says. “Feelings aren’t facts. The 

Lord created this child, and we had to 

give Him time and room to work—in 

the way He chose. 

“This is all God.” • 

Ginger Kolbaba is a contributing editor for 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine and the author, 

contributor and ghostwriter of many books. 

PHOTOS COURTESY OF THE BOTSFORD FAMILY 

24 



MODELING FAITH / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

GOD’S CALL 

TO MARY. . . 

AND TO US 

There’s a lot 

we can learn 

about the 

way a young 

Jewish girl 

responded 

to God 

BY TIMOTHY KELLER 

ILLUSTRATIONS BY 

JULIAN DE NARVAEZ 

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I recognized 

a major difference between other religions and 

Christianity. Other religions had origin stories and 

accounts of their various heroes. But such stories 

were provided primarily as examples to emulate. The 

message was something like, “Live this way to find 

the path of wisdom and find unity with the infinite.” 

The message of Christianity is different. It starts 

not with, “Here are things you must do,” but rather, 

“Here’s what God has done for you.” Christianity is 

about God, through the form of His Son, Jesus, arriving 

in our world in the form of a fragile human baby. 

It’s about God ministering to our needs. It’s about 

God dying for our sins, being buried in a tomb and 

being raised to life before eyewitnesses. 

It’s true that Christianity profoundly changes how 

we live. But there is a prerequisite: This transformation 

can only occur if we first recognize the reality of 

God and His ministry to humanity. 

We see a model of how to respond to God by taking 

a closer look at the first person to hear and consider 

the Christmas story: Mary, the mother of Jesus. Have 

you ever wondered why the Gospel of Luke tells us 

so much about Mary’s response to the Incarnation? 

I believe it is largely to show us what a responsive 

Christian faith looks like. >>> 


She reasons 

When the angel appeared, Mary was 

“greatly troubled at his words, and 

wondered what kind of greeting this 

might be” (Luke 1:29, NIV). Here, the 

English word wondered is about rationally 

weighing and pondering. Mary 

was honestly trying to figure out how 

the angel’s appearance and his words 

could be true. 

Today we see ourselves as a rational, 

scientific people. We ask hard questions, 

demand empirical evidence. Our 

culture has trained us to think that it’s 

practically impossible for modern people 

to believe in the appearance of 

an angel, though we understand that 

ancient people believed in supernatural 

events. 

Frankly, that’s an arrogant view and 

a misreading of the text. Mary was 

struggling to understand what she was 

hearing. She was Jewish, and the news 

didn’t fit her worldview. Mary had 

different rational barriers to believe 

the prophetic message than a modern 

person, but it was just as hard for 

Mary to believe the Gospel as it is for 

us today. 

There is no period in history where 

there are not enormous obstacles 

to believing the Creator of the universe 

came into a girl’s womb to be 

born as a human being. So the angel’s 

announcement takes on all cultural 

26 



MODELING FAITH / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

LISTEN NOW! 

Hear Pastor Timothy Keller share 

his perspective on finding hope in 

the midst of difficult times. 


narratives and demands hard intellectual 

work; and Mary didn’t shirk it. She 

pondered the evidence and concluded 

its truth. And if she could do that, we, 

too, must be willing to use our reason 

to weigh the Christian message. 

She questions 

The Christian faith journey can look 

different for different people. Few 

become fully committed in a single 

stroke. Mary’s faith happened in 

stages. Her first reaction to the angel’s 

announcement was measured incredulity: 

“How will this be, since I am a 

virgin?” (Luke 1:34). She was humble 

and honest about her uncertainties. 

I often wonder about Mary’s expression 

of doubt. The angel answered her 

question with one of the greatest statements 

in the Bible: “Nothing will be 

impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). I’m 

so grateful for Mary’s doubt, because 

that statement has been comforting 

and guiding me for years. 

Honest doubts lead you to ask 

questions. They make you somewhat 

vulnerable because they leave you 

open to the possibility of an answer 

that would cause you to shift your view. 

Honest doubts, then, are open to belief. 

She accepts 

The angel’s words resonated with Mary. 

So she said, “I am the servant of the 

Lord; let it be to me according to your 

word” (Luke 1:38). 

Notice she didn’t say, “Yes, I get it!” 

nor, “I love this plan, and I’m totally in.” 

Rather, Mary responded with something 

like, “It doesn’t all make sense to 

me, but I believe it. I will follow.” 

This can be a very important space 

to occupy, at least for a time. Some 

people will make no move toward 

Jesus unless it all comes together for 

them—rationally, emotionally and personally. 

But sometimes you can only 

do what Mary did—submit and trust 

despite your fears and reservations. 

That gives you a foothold for moving 

forward. 

She seeks community 

Mary did one last thing that can 

instruct us. She went to Elizabeth, 

who spoke to her in the power of the 

Holy Spirit. That certainly encouraged 

Mary—and it might have helped her 

understand her situation in a new way. 

After Elizabeth was done speaking, 

Mary broke into a song: “My soul magnifies 

the Lord, and my spirit rejoices 

in God my Savior” (Luke 1:46-47). 

Mary’s worship referenced Psalms, 

Isaiah and the prophets, making 

remarkable connections that reveal 

the coming of the Messiah. And she 

recognized something new and very 

important: The angel’s announcement 

was not a contradiction of her biblical 

faith but was rather its fulfillment. 

How interesting that the friendship 

and presence of another believing sister 

helped Mary recognize what was 

really going on. As believers, we need 

community. 

She moves forward 

God came to Mary and she responded 

in the humblest possible way. She 

reasoned, she doubted, she surrendered 

and she connected with others. 

We know that for every sacrifice Mary 

made for Jesus, Jesus made infinitely 

more for her. But we must recognize 

the example that Mary set for us: As 

she accepted her pregnancy, she 

accepted God’s will even at the risk of 

her life and the disdain of others. 

The resources we have in our faith 

journeys are greater than Mary’s. We 

can read the narratives, and we can see 

Jesus being the Great Servant, surrendering 

His will for us. So follow Mary’s 

example, and surrender to Him this 

Christmas. And don’t underestimate 

what He can do in and through you, if 

you put yourself in His hands. • 

Timothy Keller and his wife, Kathy, founded 

Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan. 

He is a bestselling author whose books include 

Hope in Times of Fear. This article was adapted 

from Hope in Times of Fear, Hidden Christmas 

and Encounters With Jesus. 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / CHRISTMAS STORY 

‘FAMILY 

TRADITIONS’ 

A Painting by 

Morgan Weistling 

Would my apple pie be as 

good as nana’s this year? 

BY SHEILA SEIFERT 

28 



CHRISTMAS STORY / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

PAINTING BY MORGAN WEISTLING 

LITTLE DID WE KNOW that 

this Christmas Eve was the last time 

our family would be together to make 

holiday pies. My oldest sister, Laura, 

married that next spring and moved 

farther west, just beyond our reach. It 

was the last time Nana would make a 

lattice piecrust and gently say, “Don’t 

use such thick strips,” or “You’re putting 

in too much filling.” And it was the 

last time my youngest sisters, Sarah 

and Paige, and youngest brother, Andy, 

would sit beneath our large wooden 

table, mimicking our actions. 

I passed a leftover lump of dough to 

Sarah, who muffled a squeal, and then 

began rolling it out on the floor. Andy 

would pilfer any other supplies the 

girls might need. I looked to Nana for 

an approving nod and was surprised 

when I didn’t get one. Nothing used to 

get past her notice. 

In the corner of the room, Rachel 

began singing “O Holy Night” while 

she peeled an apple. She wore a golden 

dress with a white half-apron. Her 

voice was angelic, which was good 

because she certainly wasn’t a baker. 

“Maisy, be careful with your stirring,” 

Laura scolded me. 

Nana would often say, “Baking pies 

is a family tradition, so pay attention.” 

But she hadn’t said those words even 

once that morning. 

My apron already had a number of 

apple preserve and cherry stains on it. 

That’s why I wore a full-size one over 

my lime-green dress. 

Laura, on the other hand, wore a 

pristine half-apron. Ma stood next 

to her rolling out pie dough in a 

Christmas-red dress that complemented 

Laura’s green one. By the end 

of the day, Sarah’s and Paige’s handprints 

would cover Ma’s full apron. 

“My pie will be as good as yours this 

year,” I told Nana, who sat across from 

Ma on a chair. She had just finished 

ladling in the apple filling for her pie. 

“Mine will, too,” Sarah said from 

under the table. 

Rachel sang on as Thomas stoked 

the fire the way Pa taught him. 

The day was turning out to be a traditional 

Christmas Eve. Pa had gone to 

church to help our pastor decorate for 

the Christmas-morning service. Our 

cousin had packed some food and left. 

I doubted we’d see him again until we 

ate our thin slices of Nana’s apple pie 

at bedtime. 

I wanted to become as good a baker 

as Nana, but invariably I’d forget an 

ingredient. 

“Nana’s secret ingredient is love, and 

so is yours,” Ma sometimes comforted 

me. 

Just once I wanted Pa to say, “I can’t 

wait for a slice of Maisy’s pie.” 

We’d made our apple and cherry 

pie preserves at harvest time, but we 

added a few apples from our cellar that 

were still edible. Nana would secretly 

sprinkle her spice on her pies right 

before we baked them. 

An open-faced pie sat before Nana, 

waiting for her lattice of perfection. Ma 

set down her rolling pin and walked 

around the table to Nana. 

Laura focused her attention on 

pouring fruit into a pie shell. Rachel 

closed her eyes, reaching for a high 

note. Sarah, Paige and Andy were busy 

playing with dough beneath the table. 

Ma glanced at me, and I knew I 

should look away. But to my shame, I 

peeked as she drew a small spice jar with 

a worn label from Nana’s apron pocket 

and placed it in her wrinkled hand. 

Nana startled as if waking from a 

nap. Ma turned away, and then Nana 

sprinkled her secret spice on the pie 

before returning the jar to her pocket. 

I looked down for a moment, and when 

I looked up, Ma was back to rolling out 

piecrust as if nothing had happened. 

But something had. Now I knew 

Nana’s secret. I didn’t know the exact 

spice, of course, but I’d often seen that 

spice jar in the pantry. And if I knew 

where to find it, so did Laura and 

Rachel. And Ma. 

“This will be my best apple pie yet,” 

Nana said. 

From below the table, Andy reached 

up to steal a spoonful of cherry preserves 

as Nana worked on her pie 

lattice. I glanced at Rachel. 

She continued singing, “Truly He 

taught us to love one another . . . ” 

If Rachel knew Nana’s secret, why 

hadn’t her pies tasted better? And 

why had Ma and Laura not used 

Nana’s spice? 

Suddenly it dawned on me: This was 

our family tradition, a gift from Ma and 

my sisters. They kept Nana’s secret and 

let her bake the best pie. 

I still wanted my pie to taste like 

Nana’s, but not that Christmas. 

In that apple pie moment, I understood 

what it meant to put your own 

desires last for the good of someone 

else. Just as Jesus did. • 

Sheila Seifert is a coauthor of more than 

20 books, including Stories of Danger and 

Courage and Swept Into the Sea. 


JOY STE 

unmasking four THE SEASON I WAS IN FELT SCARRED. 

thieves that want to 

rob you of God’s joy 

NO. 1 

BY SUZANNE ELLER 

Believing sadness 

disappoints God 

GOD isn’t disappointed when we’re sad. He not only 

created us to feel, He also cares about our emotions. 

When we hide our feelings, we only add to our pain 

because our emotions are still there. We may tend to 

distance ourselves from God in an attempt to hide 

from the truth that we’re not handling our emotions 

well. Yet that’s when we need Him most. 

In John 16, Jesus told His disciples He was going 

away. When He saw their sadness, He told them, “You 

have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your 

hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from 

you” (verse 22). Jesus acknowledged their sadness. 

He didn’t rebuke them for it. Instead He gave them a 

future hope. 

During that painful year, I sat honestly with God, 

sharing how I felt. God became my safe place. When 

I felt overwhelmed, I knew where to go to feel welcomed. 

He meets us in our sorrows. 

My daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer. My son 

was trapped in an addiction. And I discovered my cancer 

had returned. 

I knew what the Bible said about the joy of the Lord 

being our strength (Nehemiah 8:10) and I needed to 

“choose joy.” The problem: I was reaching for joy with all 

my might, but it kept eluding me. As I began to study joy, I 

learned some surprising truths about joy stealers—and a 

powerful joy infuser. 

NO. 2 

Feeling we don’t 

measure up 

WHEN we feel inadequate, we can doubt ourselves. 

Shouldn’t I know what to do? Why is this so hard? 

Yet while we may not know the next step, God 

knows. He knows us. He knows our capabilities, especially 

when we partner with Him. Understanding this 

truth allows us to ask ourselves, How can I rely on 

Jesus more in this moment? In this season? With that 

loved one? 

To combat this joy stealer, we need to take the 

focus off what we have (or don’t have) to offer and 

place it in the knowledge that God can accomplish 

His will through us, even as He directs our steps. Our 

feelings have no bearing on this truth. 

30 



JOY / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

ALERS 

MICHAEL BUCH / STOCK.ADOBE.COM; HENK BOGAARD / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

NO. 3 

The need to 

be in control 

OUR son told my husband and me about his battle 

with addiction, and that phone call led to months of 

recovery and consequences. I can’t count the times 

I wanted to step in and try to make it all better, and 

yet that wasn’t my job. 

We can be tempted with the urge to fix and manage 

and micromanage, yet the more we try to be in 

control of everyone’s circumstances, the more out of 

control we feel. 

But biblical joy is deep-rooted. It invites us to put 

our trust in the Source, instead of trying to be the 

source. 

Multiple times I sensed God asking me to step 

back and stop trying to fix my son’s problems. When 

we step out of assignments that were never ours, we 

release the lie that it’s our job to make sure everyone 

we love never hurts, falls or fails, which is an impossible 

task. Then we can pick up our assignment and 

follow God’s lead. 

NO. 4 

Hard seasons 

disqualify us from 

God’s promises 

ONE afternoon after surgery, I sat in my hospital 

room and thought about all the plans I had made and 

had to cancel. A friend, whom I hadn’t seen in years, 

dropped by. 

“I don’t get it,” she said. “Why are you going through 

so much?” Then she revealed that she had walked 

away from her faith. 

For the next hour, we talked and prayed. I was 

honest about my struggles, but also about the beauty 

of God’s promises and what He was teaching me. As 

she left, I noticed tears rolling down her cheeks. 

A joy infuser 

Jesus’ joy didn’t stem from circumstances or what people said or 

thought about Him. His joy came from doing the will of His Father. 

When my cancer returned, my plans were interrupted. But God’s 

plans were still intact. This was the joy Jesus spoke about—the joy 

He experienced and offers us. Regardless of what we are going 

through, God’s plans for us haven’t changed. 

I now see joy differently. Joy is more than a feeling; it’s a knowing. 

And nothing can steal that away. • 

Suzanne eller is the author of JoyKeeper: Six truths that change everything you 

thought you knew about joy. 


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The Yim family (left to right): Piper, James, 

Jaxon, Addison, Jean and Micaiah 

PHOTO BY TYLER WILLIAM PARKER 

my disrupted life 

a parenting insight from 

Jean Darlae yim 

MY LIFE HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY 

DISRUPTED. 

In the thick of raising four children, some with special 

needs, I can’t even number the ways: Sitting down to eat— 

when a child spills her milk. Sleeping soundly—when a child 

cries. Paying bills—when the smell of a soiled diaper fills the 

room. Talking on the phone—when children begin to bicker, 

then scream, then shove. 

Even when I manage to wake before the rest of the household, 

settling in to meditate on Scripture, a child who 

has also decided to wake up early surprises me. In those 

moments, I think, God, don’t You want me to have this quiet 

time with You? 

As annoying as disruptions can be, I’ve learned that God 

speaks to us in disruption. Disruptions are His gift of grace 

that reveal what (or who) we rely on apart from Him. In those 

early morning moments, I realized I was depending more on 

the prospect of quiet and the absence of neediness than 

I was on Him. I have discovered how much I depend on control 

and convenience over where God might be leading me. 

Disruptions are also gifts that beckon us to experience the 

reality of His presence in every moment. What we perceive 

as a life interrupted can actually be a life lived with God on 

His terms. As we surrender to what He is about—as we open 

ourselves to Him in the mundane, the wearying, the ordinary, 

the disorienting—we discover He is faithful, He is trustworthy, 

He is with us. 

A disrupted life. His invitation to greater love. • 

Jean Darlae yim teaches and writes for a local ministry in Southern 

California. A graduate of Talbot (Biola University) with a master’s degree 

in theology and a certificate in spiritual formation, she has authored 

articles about faith, foster care/adoption and motherhood. 


KIDS & TEENS / ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY 

Rory’s 

Odyssey 

connection 

a lonely college 

student found 

comfort from 

childhood “friends” 

during the 

pandemic 

rory 

BY THOMAS JEFFRIES 

PHOTO BY BETHANY VILLERO 

34 



ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY / KIDS & TEENS 

RORY WAS BORN INTO 

SADNESS. 

Her arrival was still four months 

away when the state troopers showed 

up at her mother’s office—there to 

perform a terrible duty that no one 

signs up for. They informed a young, 

pregnant wife that her husband, a 

long-haul driver for a propane company, 

had taken an on-ramp too fast. 

That his truck hit the guardrail and 

death was instant. No one else was 

hurt, so at least there was that. But it 

was small comfort for Rory’s mother, 

Linda. And she was still grieving when 

Rory was born. 

Rory wonders sometimes if Linda’s 

emotional state strained their relationship 

in those early years, if her 

mother’s lingering pain hampered the 

natural bonding between parent and 

child. What she doesn’t wonder about, 

however, is her mother’s love. 

“She did everything she could to raise 

me well,” Rory says. “I was her world.” 

Growing up fatherless prompted 

an identity crisis of sorts. Rory struggled 

to make sense of her intense 

longing for someone she’d never met. 

Someone whose face she saw whenever 

she looked in the mirror. 

Rory could tell that her mother 

didn’t like reliving those memories, but 

she was gracious and shared pieces of 

Dad’s story. Rory learned that he was a 

bit rough around the edges, yet a kind 

man who loved his wife and Jesus more 

than anything. She also learned that her 

mother’s heartache never quite healed. 

Maybe that’s why everyone missed 

the signs. Maybe they initially misinterpreted 

the mental miscues as 

loneliness or depression. Maybe they 

didn’t want to acknowledge the possibility 

that it was something more. But it 

doesn’t really matter, does it? Whether 

they noticed or not, Linda’s descent 

had begun. 

Adventure 

Rory was just 9 months old when her mother took her 

on a road trip from Washington state to Colorado. Rory 

has no memory of visiting the Whit’s End Soda Shoppe 

at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family headquarters in Colorado Springs, 

but she likes to believe it was the start of her lifelong love 

of Adventures in Odyssey. 

More likely it began about six years later, when a promotional 

cassette for the children’s audio drama came 

in the mail. Rory’s boombox powered her imagination, 

and every penny of birthday and Christmas money went 

to purchase new Odyssey CDs. Car trips were measured 

not in minutes or miles, but how many audio drama episodes 

until they reached their destination. Adventures in 

Odyssey was even the subject of Rory’s sixth grade report 

on “my favorite thing.” (She got an A-.) 

“My love for Adventures in Odyssey ran deep,” Rory says. 

“It made sense of things I could not understand.” 

She took comfort from the audio drama’s stories and 

characters: Kirk McGinty, for example, also lost his father 

before he was born. When Donna Barclay’s childhood 

friend died of cancer, Rory could relate. Rory’s grandmother 

suffered from dementia, so the Agnes Riley 

storyline assured her that others understood. And when 

Rory was later diagnosed with dyslexia, the memory of 

Oscar Peterson’s journey helped her cope. 

Adventures in Odyssey, Rory says, was solace for her 

soul—a 25-minute escape from a home life she could 

barely fathom. By age 10 Rory found her mother’s mental 

decline was noticeable. By 15 she saw it was inevitable. Rory 

scoured the fridge to make sure Linda didn’t consume—or 

serve—expired foods. She posted sticky notes to remind her 

mother how to answer the phone or use the microwave. 

“I was honestly afraid she’d drive her car off a bridge 

because a voice told her to,” Rory says. >>> 


KIDS & TEENS / ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY 

The Adventures in Odyssey drama series 

helps young listeners grow in their faith. 

Visit our website to learn more. 

AdventuresInOdyssey.com 

Decline 

Rory dropped out of high school during her sophomore 

year. She didn’t want to, but who else was going to care 

for Linda? It was just the two of them at home; no one else 

saw what Rory saw. No one else understood. 

“I ended up ‘home-schooling’ myself for a year and a 

half,” she says. “It was a very dark time for me mentally, 

but I fully believe [my mother] would have declined even 

faster if I hadn’t been around.” 

Rory ran the household all day, and at night she 

retreated to Odyssey. This girl who grew up faster than 

she should have, who faced uncertainty and fear almost 

every day, took a few minutes before bed to be a kid again. 

Adventures in Odyssey reminded Rory that she wasn’t 

alone in her struggles, and the fictional Whit’s End was 

her safe place. 

She held it together as long as she could, but her 

resolve couldn’t forestall Linda’s eventual psychotic 

breakdown. Rory was 17 when her mother was diagnosed 

with early-onset Alzheimer’s and was convinced that their 

church was giving them $4 billion. Rory says her mother 

would sit in the bank parking lot for hours, just waiting for 

a signal from above that the money had been transferred. 

Linda was temporarily hospitalized, and Rory moved 

in with family friends. For the first time in forever, Rory 

didn’t have to be the adult. She returned to high school for 

her senior year, graduating third in her class. 

Rory recovered, but her mother’s descent continued. 

Alone 

Rory was attending college in Oregon when the coronavirus 

hit. The 22-year-old watched her friends and roommates 

phone their parents for comfort, advice or simply someone 

to talk to. For Rory, however, the pandemic was a 

reminder that she didn’t have anyone to call. 

“It was a loneliness I didn’t know existed,” she says. 

Rory was tired, but she couldn’t sleep. Alone on the 

couch at 3 a.m., her prayers were equal parts desperation 

and tears. That’s when it resurfaced—something she 

hadn’t thought about in years: Adventures in Odyssey. 

A quick search revealed a free trial membership to the 

Adventures in Odyssey Club, with access to all her favorite 

episodes. 

Hannah, Rory’s college roommate, says Rory put in her 

earbuds and listened for hours. “She described different 

episodes to me and reminisced about listening to them as 

a child,” Hannah says. “She seemed more at peace.” 

Rory’s prayers in the present were answered with a 

reminder of her past. “Odyssey was incredibly soothing 

to me growing up,” Rory says. “When I was overwhelmed, 

tired or needed a break, I listened. Years later, when I was 

overwhelmed and needed peace, it still had the same effect.” 

Today, Linda still has no clue that she’s mentally ill—but 

at least she seems happy. And Rory is a college graduate. 

Her goal is to one day run a nonprofit for children in foster 

care. After all, she knows what it’s like for kids who feel 

they have no one to call when life overwhelms. • 

36 



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KIDS & TEENS / FAITH 

“I don’t feel close 

to God when I 

raise my hands in 

worship.” 

“God doesn’t love 

me because He 

never gives me 

what I ask for.” 

“I loved the sermon. 

It was good to 

be reminded that 

I’m of value to God. 

Sometimes I don’t feel 

very valuable.” 

“I feel God’s love 

when I work at 

the food bank.” 

“I don’t feel God’s love 

when I read the Bible. 

Maybe I’m not close 

to God.” 

Identifying the right love 

language can enhance 

your child’s faith 

BY DR. GARY CHAPMAN 

© BONNINSTUDIO / STOCKSY UNITED 

38 



FAITH / KIDS & TEENS 

TEENS FEEL LOVED and connected 

to God in different ways. For 

example, those who have physical 

touch as their love language might naturally 

raise their hands while singing 

worship songs. And they will say, “I felt 

God’s presence.” 

Quality-time teens will not likely 

have that experience. They will most 

likely feel God’s love as they have their 

daily devotions and quiet time with 

God. They might feel closest to God 

and loved by Him when they read the 

Scriptures and talk with God about 

what they have read. 

Words-of-affirmation teens might 

thrive when they read affirming words 

in Scripture or hear them in a sermon 

or from another person. Those whose 

love language is receiving gifts will feel 

loved by God when they realize all that 

God has given them. 

Teens best connect with God 

through their particular love 

languages—those unique and fundamental 

ways they experience love. 

Each teen has a primary love language—one 

that will speak more 

deeply to him or her emotionally, be 

it words of affirmation, acts of service, 

gifts, quality time or physical touch. 

We can certainly see God’s love in 

any of the five love languages, since He 

speaks them all fluently. So how do we 

help our teens experience God’s love 

through their primary love language? 

First, we must discover and understand 

our teens’ primary love language. 

Armed with that knowledge, we can 

better guide them into experiencing 

God’s love. 

To discover your teen’s love language, 

answer the following questions: 

• How does your teen most often 

respond to you and others? If he or she 

is often touching you, it’s likely because 

your child wants to be touched. 

• What does your teen complain 

about most often? If a son says to his 

mom, “I can’t ever please Dad,” his love 

language is likely words of affirmation. 

• What does your teen request most 

often? If your daughter is regularly 

asking you to take a walk with her, it’s 

probably because her love language is 

quality time. 

After Jesus’ death and resurrection, 

when He was returning to the 

Father, He said: “When the Helper 

comes, whom I will send to you from 

the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds 

from the Father, he will bear 

witness about me” (John 15:26). So the 

Holy Spirit is active in the world today, 

revealing God’s love to us. One of His 

tools is the Bible, the Word of God, 

which gives us a record of what Jesus 

taught and did: “The Helper, the Holy 

Spirit, whom the Father will send in my 

name, he will teach you all things and 

bring to your remembrance all that I 

have said to you” (John 14:26). 

We cooperate with the Holy Spirit 

in exposing our children to the things 

Jesus said and did while He was on 

earth. When teens reflect on the life of 

Jesus, the Holy Spirit opens their heart 

to all the ways that God loves them. 

So tell your teens that God loves us 

in all five languages, but we feel His 

love most deeply in our own love language. 

Then encourage them to read 

the four Gospel accounts of the life of 

Christ: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. 

As they read, have them look for ways 

that Jesus expressed love. 

After reading each chapter, have 

them answer four questions in writing: 

1. What did I learn about Jesus? 

2. Did He express love for people? 

3. If He did, which love language 

did He demonstrate? 

4. How might being shown love in 

this way make you feel? 

Then ask: “Can you think of an 

example of how God loves you in 

the same way?” If your teen doesn’t 

immediately have an answer, offer an 

example from your life. >>> 



LISTEN NOW! 

Dr. Gary Chapman describes how 

the five love languages can help 

you draw closer to God. 


Because we have different love languages, 

our experience of God’s love 

may be different from that of other 

Christians. Teenagers, like adults, may 

sometimes wonder why they don’t 

experience God in the same way as 

other Christians. 

Encourage your teen to discover 

how he or she best receives God’s 

love. Perhaps it’s through volunteering 

at a soup kitchen or an animal shelter, 

sponsoring a disadvantaged child, 

taking nature walks or any number of 

different ways God has created for us to 

experience Him and His love more fully. 

But most importantly, as parents 

we can instill within our children the 

realization that they don’t have to experience 

God’s love the same way others 

do. If they don’t feel God’s love as you 

or their siblings or kids in their youth 

group do, that’s OK. God created your 

teen to love Him in a way that is unique 

to your teen. And that’s a good thing. • 

Dr. Gary chapman is the bestselling author 

of The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers and 

his newest release, Things I Wish I'd Known 

Before My Child Became a Teenager. 


40 



FAITH / KIDS & TEENS 

THE FIVE LOVE 

LANGUAGES 

IN SCRIPTURE 

God doesn’t just show His love in the 

Gospels; He displays His love for us 

throughout all of Scripture—the Old 

and New Testaments. Have your teen 

look up Scriptures that demonstrate 

the ways God speaks your teen’s primary 

love language. Here are some to 

get you started. 

If your teen’s primary love language is 

words of affirmation, have him or her 

look up: 

Genesis 1:27-28 

God blessed Adam and Eve. The word 

blessed means to verbally affirm. God 

affirmed their worth and their dominion 

over creation. 

Isaiah 41:10 

God wants to comfort, encourage and 

strengthen people. 

Jeremiah 29:11-14 

God has plans for His people. Plans to 

prosper and not harm, to give hope 

and a future. 

God expresses His love by offering 

acts of service to His people. Have 

your teen consider these passages: 

Exodus 14 

After God delivered Israel from 

Egyptian bondage, Pharaoh’s army 

gave chase as the Israelites made their 

escape. God showed up and acted. 

Matthew 20:28 

Jesus said that He came to serve and 

to offer His life as a ransom for us. 

Romans 5:8 

Jesus showed His love by dying 

for us while we were still rebellious 

toward Him. 


Jeremiah 31:3,13 

God tells us how loving and kind He is 

and how He longs to comfort us. 

What could be more affirming than 

these words? You can extend this list 

as you read the Scriptures and look 

for affirming words from God. These 

words will speak deeply to them. 

Romans 8:28 

God is continually working on our 

behalf for our good, no matter what 

happens to us. 



Jesus never hesitated to touch those 

who needed Him. He is the same 

today. Teens can reflect on these 

passages: 

Matthew 8:2-3 

Jesus touched a man with leprosy, 

willing to touch even the untouchables 

of His day. 

Mark 10:13,16 

Parents took their children to Jesus to 

have Him touch them. And He took 

the children in His arms and blessed 

them. 

To show His love, God gives good 

gifts. Here are some examples: 

Genesis 1:29 

God’s first gifts were to Adam and Eve 

when He placed them in the garden 

and gave them an abundant source 

of food. 

John 3:16 

God gave the best gift He could give— 

His Son. 

2 Timothy 1:7 

Instead of fear, God gave us the gift of 

power, love and self-discipline. 

James 1:12 

God gives us a crown of life. 

From the first chapter in the Bible to 

the last, God gives because God loves. 

For those who delight in receiving 

quality time, God has all the time in 

the world for them. Have teens consider 

these verses: 

Psalm 145:18 

The Lord is near to everyone who calls 

on Him in truth. 

Isaiah 43:1-2 

God calls us His, and when we face 

trouble, He is with us. 

John 14:23 

Jesus promised that God comes to 

live with us when we choose to love 

Jesus. 

John 14:25-26 

The Holy Spirit, whom the Father sent 

in Jesus’ name, will remain with us 

and teach us all things. 

John 9:6 

When Jesus encountered a blind man 

along the side of the road, He made 

some mud with His saliva and placed 

the mud on the man’s eyes. When the 

man went and washed, he was able 

to see. 

Today, those whose primary love language 

is physical touch will often 

experience God’s love through a spiritual 

touch that stimulates emotions, 

bringing tears or chill bumps. They 

will sometimes say, God touched 

me. For them, this is when they most 

deeply feel loved by God. These teens 

often raise their hands when singing 

worship songs. 

As we encourage our teens to look up 

these Bible passages, as well as others, 

we’re giving them the tools they need 

to seek and find God’s love the way 

they most deeply experience it. 

—GC 


42 



first steps 

Show your kids 

how to practice and 

receive forgiveness 

BY NATALIE FRISK 

ILLUSTRATION BY HIFUMIYO 

I WALKED DOWNSTAIRS to 

my husband and 7-year-old daughter 

having one of those big conversations. 

My husband was speaking in the 

hushed tone he tries to use each time 

he corrects her. She broke into tears, 

and her little voice cracked as she said, 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“I forgive you,” he said. 

As parents we want our children to 

understand the power and freedom 

of forgiveness—both offering it and 

receiving it. The best way to do that is 

by modeling it. 

What forgiveness 

looks like 

When children learn to walk, they 

know what it looks like because they 

see others around them walking. The 

task takes time and courage, but eventually, 

they take their first steps. They 

stumble before they really get the 

hang of it, but before long, they are 

running everywhere. It is the same 

with how they practice and receive 

forgiveness. They need to see and 

experience us modeling the process 

for them. 

In the same way that we have 

received freedom from guilt and blame 

through Christ, we offer that example 

to our children. God does not hold 

our debts against us. We are free. So 

when we say we forgive someone, we 

are canceling the debt. We no longer 

hold that offense against the person 

at fault. We forgive him or her without 

condition. 

I know that can be difficult. There 

are times I want to revisit an offense 

my child committed once I’ve already 

offered forgiveness, but I recognize 

that’s not Christlike. True forgiveness 

is offered with love and compassion. 

Give it time 

As our children grow, we will have so 

many opportunities to help them discover 

true forgiveness. The apostle Paul 

tells us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, 

forgiving one another, as 

God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 

4:32). So we need to model forgiveness 

over and over. Our children will understand 

forgiveness better by watching 

how we forgive and ask for forgiveness 

from them. • 

natalie Frisk is a pastor, a speaker and the 

author of Raising Disciples: How to make faith 

matter for our kids. 

LISTEN NOW! 

Dr. Kara Powell offers advice for 

building a foundation of faith 

for your family. 



KIDS & TEENS / MENTAL HEALTH 

is your teen 

at risk? 

an open dialogue 

about suicide 

BY DR. MATTHEW SLEETH 

RECENTLY I SPOKE TO A 

group of more than 100 teenagers and 

met them (with pizzas!) at a nearby 

church. When one of the teens asked 

during Q&A what topic I was currently 

writing about, and I said a book on suicide, 

the room fell silent. 

Once we’d broken the silence on 

suicide, the teens shared their experiences, 

questions and concerns. Their 

candor was heart-rending. 

I later learned that one of the students 

had recently lost a cousin to 

suicide. And a nurse was at the church 

with the group because two other students 

were on suicide watch. 

Let’s open the dialogue with our teens. 

Let’s nourish their bodies and souls. I 

consider suicide an illness where prevention 

is the only acceptable treatment. 

Systems check 

Teens have routine checkups with their 

doctors and dentists, but they need 

mental health checks, too. A great 

place to start is with something as simple 

as a “systems check.” 

My wife, Nancy, and I used the acronym 

HALT to train our kids to pause 

when they were agitated. They had to ask 

themselves if their emotions—frustration, 

anxiety, sadness—stemmed from 

being Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. 

With HALT, they were able to identify the 

root of their feelings, if the solution was 

as simple as meeting basic needs. 

Angst or depression? 

It can be difficult to distinguish typical 

teen outbursts and mood swings from 

signs of major depression and suicidal 

thoughts, so trust your gut. You know 

your children best. Err on the side of 

caution. 

Here are some behaviors to watch 

for with your teens. Are they: 

• developing irregular eating habits? 

• having more frequent anger 

outbursts? 

• self-isolating or consistently choosing 

electronic communication over 

in-person fellowship? 

• chronically tired or worn down? 

If these behaviors arise, pursue lowstress 

opportunities to spend time 

together, ask questions and seek outside 

help. 

Time for sleep 

The importance of sleep and an unburdened 

schedule—even from social 

© LÉA JONES / STOCKSY UNITED 

44 



No time to waste 

The time between when a teen thinks about suicide and 

takes action can be less than five minutes. Avoidance is 

not the answer. Ask if he or she is thinking about selfharming, 

keep the Canada Suicide Prevention Service 

number nearby —1-833-456-4566—and call 911 if your 

teen is actively suicidal. 

Bring 

hope 

and life 

media—cannot be overstated. Because 

of constant digital communication and 

the fear of missing out, many teens 

never get more than a few hours of 

uninterrupted sleep. Defend your children’s 

opportunity for rest. 

First, turn off or sequester their electronic 

devices at night. In addition, we 

limited our teens’ extracurricular activities 

and offered “mental health” days. 

They consisted of a full day each week 

for them to be free from homework, 

shopping and chores. The practice of 

daytime rest encouraged their mental 

health. 

Then we were on the lookout for 

these signs: 

• sudden changes in friendships 

• dropping favorite activities 

• deterioration of personal hygiene 

• weight loss 

• expressing hopeless, helpless 

thoughts 

• rapid decline in grades 

While such changes may be part 

of normal teenage angst, they should 

prompt parents to observe closely, ask 

meaningful questions and give sincere 

offers to help. 

Understand the scope 

An unprecedented number of teens 

have thoughts about killing themselves, 

which is known as suicidal ideation. 

Many parents first hear of suicidal ideation 

from the parents of their teen’s 

friends. If other parents report red flags, 

don’t brush those off. Suicide is the 

second leading cause of death among 

children between ages 10 and 17 in the 

U.S.—and the leading cause of death 

among 13-year-olds. 

In the 20 years preceding the 

pandemic, hospital emergency departments 

experienced a 92% increase in 

visits for suicide ideation and attempts 

for children. And while the impact of 

COVID-19 is not fully known, a 2020 

report from the Centers for Disease 

Control and Prevention shows that 

the proportion of pediatric emergency 

admissions for mental health issues 

was up 31% for adolescents over the 

previous year. 

Recognize the biblical 

worldview of suicide 

Since famed sociologist Émile 

Durkheim’s study more than a century 

ago, my review of the literature indicates 

that faith plays a protective role. 

Believers in God are between four and 

six times less likely to commit suicide 

as those who don’t believe. 

From Genesis to Revelation, God’s 

message is clear: He is for life. Satan is 

for death. Jesus didn’t die on the Cross 

so that we could take our own lives. 

He died so we can have life abundantly. 

Our teens need to know they 

have this hope. • 

matthew Sleeth, m.D., is a pastor, former er 

physician and the author of Hope Always: How 

to be a force for life in a culture of suicide. 

You can offer hope to 

those contemplating 

suicide. Whether you’re a 

concerned family member, 

friend or pastor, physician 

and minister Matthew 

Sleeth prepares you for the 

task with medical principles 

plus practical and spiritual 

tools that equip you to give 

real help to those who are 

depressed and struggling. 

Order online at 

Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca 

or call 1.800.661.9800

KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY 

snow fun 

Ruthanne, 9, and Arya, 9 

Our granddaughters enjoy great 

sledding on christmas vacation. 

—Suzanne from Iowa 

Samuel, 11, and Owen, 9 

a snow day of sledding fun for our 

sons. 

—David from Virginia 

Joel, 3, Matteo, 7, Gerik, 5, Brielle, 4, and 

Islamic, 3 

cousins having fun with what’s left of their 

snowman. 

—Lorraine from California 

Tayah, 1, and Jadon, 3 

a kiss from big brother because he thanks 

the Lord for her. 

—Anastasija from Ontario 

Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine! 

email photos* of your child celebrating christmas 

or eating ice cream. (Put “Christmas” or “Ice Cream 

Treats” in the subject line.) 

Send to: info@fotf.ca 

* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted 

46 



Album 71 – Someone is 

blackmailing Cooper! Emily 

needs Morrie and Suzu’s help to 

solve the case, but can she trust 

them? Meanwhile, Zoe and 

Olivia’s ski trip takes them right 

into danger. 2 CDs Ages 8+ 

Vol. 27 in the series 

In wartime Lithuania, Patrick and 

Beth are trying to help a Jewish 

family escape the country 

before the Nazis invade. But 

getting travel documents for 

them seems next to impossible! 

Hardcover Ages 7+ 

The Fruit of the Spirit 

Teach kids about the Fruit 

of the Spirit with this special 

collection of 12 previously 

released episodes that cover 

all the biblical values from 

Galatians 5. 4 CDs Ages 8+ 

See the full Adventures in Odyssey 

collection and more ideas for Christmas 

gifts at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca

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Find last-minute Christmas gifts for everyone on your list at 

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Focus on the Family Magazine - December 2021/January 2022

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