24 Seven November 2021

Have you ever heard someone yell, “I’m not angry?” If you
have, then you’ve witnessed an unwanted feeling in action.
Disowned feelings are those prickly emotions that you
attempt to block out of awareness. You tell yourself you’re not
feeling them and give them the cold shoulder. Unfortunately,
ignoring unwanted feelings comes at a high cost.
The energy it takes to push away unwanted feelings
frequently leads to:
• Psychic tension that fuels mood disorders, such as anxiety
or depression.
• Psychosomatic symptoms, such as headaches, backaches,
digestive, or stomach issues.
• A loss of vitality, resulting in chronic exhaustion,
inattentiveness, or forgetfulness.
The Top 3 Unwanted Feelings
Though all feelings are valuable, some are more popular
than others. Unwanted feelings are generally unpopular
because they create discomfort or distress. The top three
disowned feelings that I’ve noticed in my psychotherapy
practice are:
1. Anger. The adage, “depression is anger turned inward,”
holds. To deny anger is to deny yourself a propitious source
of energy. Learning to access and focus your anger can relieve
depression and anxiety while also producing revitalizing
bursts of energy and clarity. Learning to process and express
your anger productively is definitely a life-changer.
2. Hurt. As a child, when your feelings were hurt, you
had a good cry and moved on. As an adult, hurt is much
more complex. Admitting that you’re hurt can feel shameful
and humiliating, particularly if you have a history of being
bullied. So you learned to deny hurt to protect yourself from
feeling vulnerable. Ironically, anytime someone proclaims,
“I’m not hurt” it’s very likely that they are. Learning to identify
when you’re hurt and verbalizing it frees you from a cycle of
shame, strengthens emotional boundaries, and elevates selfrespect.
3. Fear. While it’s fun to be afraid while watching scary
movies or visiting amusement parks, unbridled fear causes
escalating anxiety and panic in real life. Few people enjoy the
feeling of being out of control, so when fear strikes, you may
want to deny it or bulldoze over it. Unfortunately, fear denied
invites poor decision-making, destructive risk-taking, and
lapses in judgment.
The Damage Caused by Unwanted Feelings
Denying an unwanted feeling doesn’t resolve it; it simply
drives it out of your consciousness. It still there, but in
hiding. Sooner or later, like an annoying relative who
drops by unannounced, the feeling pops up again. You
find yourself caught in repetitive relationship patterns or
miscommunications.
Every time you disown a feeling, you weaken your sense
of self. You water down your emotions until you don’t
even know what you’re feeling. The fallout is even more
discouraging: identity confusion, unhealthy relationships,
poor boundaries, and chronic disappointment, to name just
a few.
Unearthing and Honoring Your True Feelings
When feelings are honored and expressed, your core sense
of self strengthens; you are more focused and immediate.
Since you’re better attuned to yourself, you’re better attuned
to others. Authenticity becomes your guiding light, making it
much navigate through emotionally charged situations.
Of course, warming up to all your feelings takes time. It’s
a process of evolution—not revolution. Here are a few tips to
get you going.
• Take a deep dive into your feelings. Too often, we move
through life on automatic pilot, zoning out for hours in
front of a computer or numbing ourselves with substances,
mindless television, or social media. To redirect your attention
inward, you’ll need to set aside time for reflection. Journal
writing is a great way to get started. Every time you jot down
your thoughts and feelings, you bring more mindfulness
to your daily life. Feelings become less mysterious or
frightening; understanding your pure feelings fosters personal
enlightenment. Set a timer, write for a few minutes a day, and
slowly increase your journaling time.
• Work with a professional. There are more therapists
in the world than ever before in history. Art therapy, dance
therapy, mental health counseling, support groups, child and
family therapy, couples counseling, sex therapy … the list goes
on and on. And now, with teletherapy and virtual therapy, you
don’t even have to leave your home. If the idea of talking to a
professional is too frightening, start by opening up to a good
friend and sharing feelings that you often keep hidden.
• Reward yourself. Acknowledge your efforts, celebrate your
victories. Changing ingrained behaviors is one of the hardest
things in the world. It’s a lonely battle. That’s why you must
make time to reward yourself. I worked with a young woman
who suffered crippling social anxiety. As she started to assert
herself, she developed many catchphrases to encourage her,
such as “You got this,” “You’ll be glad later,” or “What have I
got to lose?” As she became a cheerleader for her own growth,
she made healthier choices and enjoyed more rewarding
relationships.
About The Author
SEAN GROVER
Sean Grover, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of When
Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully
and Enjoy Being a Parent Again.
To Learn More Visit:
www.SeanGrover.com