ISSUE NO.133 NOVEMBER 2021HOW YOURUNWANTEDFEELINGS AREHURTING YOUWritten by Sean Grover, LCSW
Have you ever heard someone yell, “I’m not angry?” If youhave, then you’ve witnessed an unwanted feeling in action.Disowned feelings are those prickly emotions that youattempt to block out of awareness. You tell yourself you’re notfeeling them and give them the cold shoulder. Unfortunately,ignoring unwanted feelings comes at a high cost.The energy it takes to push away unwanted feelingsfrequently leads to:• Psychic tension that fuels mood disorders, such as anxietyor depression.• Psychosomatic symptoms, such as headaches, backaches,digestive, or stomach issues.• A loss of vitality, resulting in chronic exhaustion,inattentiveness, or forgetfulness.The Top 3 Unwanted FeelingsThough all feelings are valuable, some are more popularthan others. Unwanted feelings are generally unpopularbecause they create discomfort or distress. The top threedisowned feelings that I’ve noticed in my psychotherapypractice are:1. Anger. The adage, “depression is anger turned inward,”holds. To deny anger is to deny yourself a propitious sourceof energy. Learning to access and focus your anger can relievedepression and anxiety while also producing revitalizingbursts of energy and clarity. Learning to process and expressyour anger productively is definitely a life-changer.2. Hurt. As a child, when your feelings were hurt, youhad a good cry and moved on. As an adult, hurt is muchmore complex. Admitting that you’re hurt can feel shamefuland humiliating, particularly if you have a history of beingbullied. So you learned to deny hurt to protect yourself fromfeeling vulnerable. Ironically, anytime someone proclaims,“I’m not hurt” it’s very likely that they are. Learning to identifywhen you’re hurt and verbalizing it frees you from a cycle ofshame, strengthens emotional boundaries, and elevates selfrespect.3. Fear. While it’s fun to be afraid while watching scarymovies or visiting amusement parks, unbridled fear causesescalating anxiety and panic in real life. Few people enjoy thefeeling of being out of control, so when fear strikes, you maywant to deny it or bulldoze over it. Unfortunately, fear deniedinvites poor decision-making, destructive risk-taking, andlapses in judgment.The Damage Caused by Unwanted FeelingsDenying an unwanted feeling doesn’t resolve it; it simplydrives it out of your consciousness. It still there, but inhiding. Sooner or later, like an annoying relative whodrops by unannounced, the feeling pops up again. Youfind yourself caught in repetitive relationship patterns ormiscommunications.Every time you disown a feeling, you weaken your senseof self. You water down your emotions until you don’teven know what you’re feeling. The fallout is even morediscouraging: identity confusion, unhealthy relationships,poor boundaries, and chronic disappointment, to name justa few.Unearthing and Honoring Your True FeelingsWhen feelings are honored and expressed, your core senseof self strengthens; you are more focused and immediate.Since you’re better attuned to yourself, you’re better attunedto others. Authenticity becomes your guiding light, making itmuch navigate through emotionally charged situations.Of course, warming up to all your feelings takes time. It’sa process of evolution—not revolution. Here are a few tips toget you going.• Take a deep dive into your feelings. Too often, we movethrough life on automatic pilot, zoning out for hours infront of a computer or numbing ourselves with substances,mindless television, or social media. To redirect your attentioninward, you’ll need to set aside time for reflection. Journalwriting is a great way to get started. Every time you jot downyour thoughts and feelings, you bring more mindfulnessto your daily life. Feelings become less mysterious orfrightening; understanding your pure feelings fosters personalenlightenment. Set a timer, write for a few minutes a day, andslowly increase your journaling time.• Work with a professional. There are more therapistsin the world than ever before in history. Art therapy, dancetherapy, mental health counseling, support groups, child andfamily therapy, couples counseling, sex therapy … the list goeson and on. And now, with teletherapy and virtual therapy, youdon’t even have to leave your home. If the idea of talking to aprofessional is too frightening, start by opening up to a goodfriend and sharing feelings that you often keep hidden.• Reward yourself. Acknowledge your efforts, celebrate yourvictories. Changing ingrained behaviors is one of the hardestthings in the world. It’s a lonely battle. That’s why you mustmake time to reward yourself. I worked with a young womanwho suffered crippling social anxiety. As she started to assertherself, she developed many catchphrases to encourage her,such as “You got this,” “You’ll be glad later,” or “What have Igot to lose?” As she became a cheerleader for her own growth,she made healthier choices and enjoyed more rewardingrelationships.About The AuthorSEAN GROVERSean Grover, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the author of WhenKids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bullyand Enjoy Being a Parent Again.To Learn More Visit:www.SeanGrover.com
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