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true story<br />
Content warning: this piece<br />
include details of self-harm<br />
The light after the darkness<br />
Victoria struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for years. But<br />
with the help of a strong support system, she learned to live alongside<br />
her depression, and a new hobby ignited a sense of hope for the future<br />
Writing | Victoria Hennison<br />
I<br />
will never forget the very first time I selfharmed.<br />
I was 13, and I needed an outlet,<br />
a way to set the torment in my mind free.<br />
Somewhere in the darkest part of my mind,<br />
it made sense that allowing the blood to flow<br />
would make me feel better – and it did, but as I<br />
stared at the droplets of blood, I felt trapped, as<br />
though I had just created a prison for myself.<br />
In some ways, the self-harm had a voice. It was<br />
comforting because it seemed to understand,<br />
but it fed off the lies the depression told me,<br />
and I felt overwhelmingly worthless.<br />
My mind filled with questions of: ‘Who am I?’,<br />
‘Why am I alive’, ‘Why would anyone love me?’<br />
I struggled for years. Self-harming became the<br />
coping mechanism that got me through the<br />
days. It was controlled, and I felt it was the one<br />
thing I had power over.<br />
In 2003, I decided that my body image was<br />
the reason I was depressed, the reason my life<br />
was going nowhere. I had just turned 21, and<br />
I thought that if I could look amazing, then I<br />
would be a success, and then I would be happy.<br />
It started off as healthy changes – good, fresh<br />
food and exercise. The number on the scales<br />
went down – it was an amazing feeling – and, in<br />
my head, the bigger the loss the greater the good<br />
feeling, so I went a day or two without eating<br />
and pushed myself harder.<br />
Initially, I saw changes in the mirror and I was<br />
feeling good, but then my view changed. No<br />
matter how low the scales went, no matter how<br />
little I ate, I was repulsed by my own reflection.<br />
When I started hiding food, pretending I’d<br />
eaten it, and struggled to even take a bite of an<br />
apple, I realised it had become something far<br />
more sinister. I wasn’t in control anymore; the<br />
darkness had introduced me to a new ally, but it<br />
wasn’t my friend.<br />
I was miserable, but then the world gave me<br />
a lifeline. It was 2004, and I found love and<br />
acceptance. It wasn’t an easy road; I refused<br />
to need someone, but somehow, no matter<br />
how hard I pushed him away, he pushed back,<br />
harder. Little by little, he broke down my walls,<br />
and as each piece was dismantled I found myself<br />
again. The insecurities fell away, and he gave<br />
me my fight back. It wasn’t anything he did, he<br />
was just there loving me for me, making me feel<br />
beautiful. It was the support, having a rock I<br />
could lean on, someone who would catch me if I<br />
fell while telling me I could fly. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 95
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