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elationships<br />
Keeping the peace<br />
Pam Custers’ tips for smoothing out conflict within your family:<br />
1. Try having “we” conversations. “How should we tackle this problem?”<br />
This builds and strengthens connections.<br />
2. Be flexible.<br />
3. Make time to communicate. Not just to talk, but also to listen.<br />
4. Keep a sense of humour.<br />
5. Make kindness a central value in your family.<br />
If things take a turn for the<br />
worse, considering all those<br />
expectations we have to contend<br />
with, it’s easy to see how<br />
the breakdown of a familial<br />
relationship can come with a<br />
degree of shame – as it appears<br />
everyone around you is getting it<br />
consistently right. But the truth<br />
is, that’s probably not the case.<br />
“We all go into family life with<br />
our own sense of how it should<br />
be,” says Pam. “And so we can<br />
become disillusioned when the<br />
idealised version of family life<br />
is not the reality. Relationships<br />
are messy, and we need to be<br />
able to ride the waves. Behind<br />
all those white picket fences,<br />
there are families who are also<br />
going through challenging times.<br />
Keeping expectations realistic<br />
takes the pressure off family<br />
dynamics.”<br />
In the UK, ‘family’ has many<br />
different variations. According<br />
to gov.uk statistics, between<br />
2014 and 2020, there were 2.4<br />
million separated families in<br />
Great Britain, and when the ONS<br />
last ran an analysis in 2009, 9%<br />
of all children in England and<br />
Wales, 1.1 million, were living<br />
with a stepfamily. The reality<br />
is no two families are the same,<br />
and releasing the pressure to<br />
present a ‘perfect family’ could be<br />
an important step in letting go of<br />
relationships that are damaging.<br />
What can’t be addressed with<br />
mutual compassion and a<br />
willingness to listen, could be<br />
aided with family counselling or<br />
group therapy. You may also want<br />
to spend some time reflecting on<br />
your relationship with the idea<br />
of family, and the role that then<br />
plays in how you make decisions<br />
going forward. Truthfully, very few<br />
people’s situations match a perfect<br />
deck of ‘Happy Families’, but we’re<br />
complex human beings, not neat<br />
illustrations. We go through tough<br />
times. We learn, evolve, and – with<br />
the right support – flourish.<br />
Pam Custers is the founder of<br />
The Relationship Practice, and<br />
specialises in supporting clients to<br />
create relationships that thrive.<br />
Find out more by visiting<br />
counselling-directory.org.uk<br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 87
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