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elationships<br />
Family matters<br />
Family bonds often run the deepest, which is why it’s all the more painful<br />
when they break down. Here, with the help of a counsellor, we explore<br />
how to navigate difficult family relationships<br />
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler<br />
Families: they’re not always<br />
easy. Separation, blended<br />
households, addictions,<br />
mental illness, money<br />
problems, betrayal, expectations,<br />
communication, or simply<br />
clashing personalities – there is an<br />
unlimited number of reasons why<br />
relationships might break down.<br />
“Families bring us joy, and better<br />
health and wellbeing, but they<br />
can also be the source of distress,”<br />
says counsellor Pam Custers.<br />
“Navigating family life is a process<br />
of being able to create a healthy<br />
connection that can tolerate<br />
challenges, without destroying<br />
the intimate connections that<br />
families bring – those of love,<br />
respect, and support.”<br />
As Pam explains, when family<br />
relationships are good, they can<br />
bring us a plethora of benefits,<br />
including improving our ability<br />
to cope with stress, boosting our<br />
self-esteem, and encouraging us<br />
to engage in healthy behaviours.<br />
Strong bonds uplift us, playing a<br />
huge role in our daily lives, even<br />
operating unconsciously under<br />
the surface.<br />
“We are literally wired to<br />
connect to our family,” Pam says.<br />
“This bonding process develops<br />
through both our relationships<br />
with our partner and children,<br />
with what is termed ‘the parental<br />
caregiver attachment’. We are<br />
able to see via brain scans that,<br />
when we are with our loved ones,<br />
our anxiety levels reduce and<br />
we start producing feel-good<br />
hormones. So when these close<br />
relationships are in a state of<br />
flux, we will be physically and<br />
mentally impacted.”<br />
But in addition to what’s<br />
happening on a psychological<br />
level, there’s also a lot of social<br />
pressure that comes with family<br />
life. Films, TV shows, novels,<br />
and advertisements all play on<br />
ideals about family structures<br />
and relationships, let alone other<br />
cultural values that many of us<br />
have faced throughout our lives.<br />
With all this to contend with, the<br />
‘right way’ to run a family can<br />
become a sticking point.<br />
“Couples inevitably come<br />
from different family operating<br />
systems,” Pam says. “There<br />
can often be a clash in how<br />
they both wish ‘their’ family<br />
to operate. Finding a way to<br />
co-create a way that ‘their’<br />
family will operate is part of the<br />
process of creating their own<br />
legacy for their children. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 85