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true story<br />
Embracing my<br />
perfectly imperfect self<br />
Self-doubt and social anxiety ruled Sheena’s world, until her<br />
children became her motivation to push past the fear and step into<br />
the next phase of her life<br />
Writing | Sheena Tanna-Shah<br />
Throughout my childhood, I always felt<br />
a sense of loneliness and insecurity.<br />
Changing cities and then school a few<br />
times, I struggled to make good friends<br />
and I never felt like I fitted in. I wasn’t outgoing,<br />
confident, or social – and always felt like I<br />
wasn’t enough. What added to this was people’s<br />
constant comments to stand straighter, to talk<br />
slower, and to smile more.<br />
These weren’t one-off comments, they were<br />
constantly coming from the people around<br />
me, and it gave me long-lasting social anxiety. I<br />
made sure I didn’t win anything to avoid walking<br />
in front of people in assemblies, it made me fear<br />
talking in public, it made me fear being in social<br />
settings as I was always afraid of judgement – it<br />
even made me fear catching the bus to avoid<br />
people watching me find a seat. The only thing<br />
that kept me going was my passion for studying.<br />
At 18, after a devastating break-up with a<br />
boyfriend, I was diagnosed with depression in<br />
my first year at university. I was at my lowest<br />
point, and not only nearly quit my degree but<br />
my life as well. I didn’t want to carry on, I felt<br />
like a failure, and I was starting to become very<br />
critical of myself.<br />
Coming from an Indian background, it was<br />
really hard to open up about my situation and<br />
what I was going through. I felt like I was<br />
letting my parents down, as it was uncommon<br />
for situations like mine to be heard of then.<br />
Online support forums and social media<br />
wasn’t something I was part of back then, so<br />
this period was extremely lonely. I almost felt<br />
like there must be something wrong with me. I<br />
couldn’t see anyone around me going through<br />
what I was, and certainly no one in my culture.<br />
I was studying to become an optometrist but<br />
I failed two of my end-year-exams. Before,<br />
studying was what had kept me going, so I<br />
felt like I had nothing left to give. During the<br />
summer break, I retook my exams and luckily<br />
passed to continue into my second year. I<br />
managed to get my degree and qualified as an<br />
optometrist, however, the anxiety still followed<br />
me around.<br />
I married when I was 23, and moved to a new<br />
location. This triggered my loneliness and<br />
insecurity, as I hardly knew anyone and had<br />
to start again. I would be sitting in my locked<br />
room, crying endlessly as my husband sat on<br />
the other side of the door, trying to help me.<br />
I tried to fill the void by booking holidays,<br />
dinner dates, and spa days. Even though these<br />
made me happy, it was all temporary and I<br />
would return to feeling anxious and insecure. >>><br />
<strong>happiful</strong>.com | September <strong>2021</strong> | 61