nothing to feel, nothing to heal: The Revenge Chapter

no ing to f l,
no
ing to heal
THE REVENGE CHAPTER
Hugo Jepsen

Intro
A long time ago, one night, after a major downfall in our
relationship, you sent me a message through the phone with the
following sentence, “Miss you”. Before I replied, I started to cry so
much because I couldn’t just believe it. I thought that we were
over for good, even though my intuition was telling me otherwise.
I replied “Me too”, and then you quickly stated, “maybe, I shouldn’t
have said anything”. At the time, I was flattered and happy, so I
just went, carefully, with the flow of things.
I decided to give you a second chance through love and
compassion; to give us one more try. And it worked for a few
months. I travelled to the Netherlands to be with you; saved you in
your desperate times; I helped you with my blood, sweat, soul,
heart, body - everything I had left. I have never failed my promises
ever since. But you did, you tore me apart.
Yes, we had beautiful times together but scars are scars and scars
in the heart rarely disappear as easily as we wish they did but truly,
it never goes away, not fully.
The love I gave you is yours to keep. But that was just the
beginning of my spiritual/travel journey. So, thank you for
everything!

IV.
I. S.P.I.R.I.T.
II. paranoid
III. volcano (exposed.)
happy social media
V. flaco
VI. unquote

I. S.P.I.R.I.T.
The only thing that they can’t,
Can’t take away from me is me,
My prideful concern, me as a man,
The energy of my soul within my spirit.
You said I’m too, obsessed, emotional,
Emotions are strength but seen as weak,
My palm in your hands, the hands
That touched my face with a taste bittersweet.
There’s a little devil on my shoulder,
Also, an angel protecting me from afar,
I don’t know what the future holds
But I haven’t gotten rid of past scars.
What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Because, when my tears start to fall,
I won’t be smiling but bruising
While catching them all.

II. paranoid
You did it - you may even feel bad,
But you were reckless enough
To take my heart to someone else’s bed.
I think it’s a little too funny,
You used to say I was paranoid.
I just never trusted you sufficiently
To let you break the walls of my void.
I wish I could’ve, the future, foreseen
To understand whatever you did mean.
You didn’t cheat but you were a betrayer
When I once thought you were my saviour.
You took my soul, took a bite
From the sandwich, I made for you
When you were sick at that time,
Perhaps none of it matters, none of it is true.

III. volcano (exposed.)
I have never seen a volcano
And I probably never will
But I know they live alongside fire,
Yet they keep standing still.
I should learn from that,
One day at a time - time
To understand - understand
How to stand still in my life.
From the practices, I’ve dealt with,
I should be able to practice how to breathe,
But this fire that lives within me,
Seems that, even if I die, it will never cease.
I should learn how to live
With this passion, I feel inside,
With all the emotions I miss,
But one day, I’ll learn how to live like this
Within everyone, within society.

IV. happy social media
I know what people are
Saying about me,
And I couldn’t care less,
But I didn’t do what you say I did.
That I did not and if I’m happy,
It’s probably not the truth,
It’s all about fingers crossed
And a pretty strong attitude.
I will say to be fine if I’m not,
But I can’t pretend to be alright
On social media as much as I want to
Because the burnt picture will be mine.
I’ve been running out of time,
I wish I could be saved from this
But there’s a catch - my own pride
And my shamefulness is at risk.

V. flaco
You know my opinion on it,
You know I feel a sense of “asco”,
Ya no me tienes en tus manos, flaco.
I hope you’re happier now
But I still hope that you
Are not as happy as you were
When you were with me, to be true.
Do you remember my friend from afar?
You’ve met her, you know what she said,
‘That you should take time within your heart
Before you get on with somebody else again’.
Perfect bodies all over town,
You and your pretty little gown,
And now you say to me, “Por Díos”,
Pues, yo qué te digo adiós.

VI. unquote
Unfortunately, I will have to
Love you for a really long time,
Within happy and heartbreaking reasons
But you were never really mine,
Were you?

Chapter I: Betrayed
It has been some time since it all happened. But, I remember it so
well as if it had just happened yesterday.
On our last day at our place in Haarlem, you asked me, heads
down, “What should we do with our relationship?”, and I replied, ‘I
don’t know, I don’t know, I have no idea’. And, it’s because I didn’t.
But there were so many things I would like to have said to you, so
I’m going to say it now.
«What relationship? You broke up with me when I got here after
two months of distance, apart. You made me believe you loved
me to death and beyond. I REMEMBER you telling me that I had
no idea of how much you loved me. Was that even true? I wanted
you, I want you, I loved you back and forth for you to ask me now -
what to do with our relationship? I still love you, I learned how to.
Was that easy? Perhaps, not. You saw the face of my darkness, I
saw the face of yours but we both appreciated it - didn’t we? I
would never ask you to wait for me but I thought you would.
Would have you waited for me if I asked you so? Have you ever
truly loved me as you said you did? I left my great-grandmother
sick, home, my grandmother needing me, my family
heart-aching, a whole life I built for myself behind to come here,
to build a life with you and now you say you can’t be responsible

for anything. Well, what kind of “relationship” were you hoping
for? Not even an apology but a “thank you so much”.»
Not even two weeks and you took my heart to someone else’s bed.
But don’t you worry; I had my fair share. You didn’t cheat on me,
perhaps, but you betrayed my trust, you betrayed my feelings and
you broke my heart in ways no one has ever done so, before.
Nonetheless, I hope that you still remember me as well as I do and
I truly hope that you are happier and healthier now and that you
never do to anybody whatever you’ve done to me.
Cheers!

I. buwm
II. hope you’re not jealous
III. you’re the deceiver
IV. in bed with him
V. dirty scandals
VI. lovesick
VII. dirty body (exposed.)
VIII. miss it all
IX. new blue

I. buwm
If I have nothing to feel,
I won’t miss you anymore
And I won’t have to heal
From the cold of your warmth.
I don’t want to move on,
I want to be faithful to you
But you make me drive along
Places I thought I’d never go to.
I watched the ducks at the park yesterday
And I got my eyes, a bit teary
But then I remembered the day
When you broke up with me.
It will take some time to accept
The fact that you won’t speak from your heart
And yes, it makes me sad for a second,
But I remember that we are connected.

II.
hope you’re not jealous
I hope you’re not jealous
Of the people around me,
You have nothing to be -
To be afraid of, I’m free.
I’m free to choose to
Not be with anyone
But you, only you.
I’m destined to wait for
Something I’ll never get
And that’s why probably why
We’ve actually met.
We’ve turned the odds down
About us being in love
Because we’ve been wanting
The whole goddamn world.

III.
you’re the deceiver
I was there in bed with you, I was,
While you were tweeting about your ex
Asking if he was dating someone else
While I was treating you with respect.
But it’s all alright, I believe,
It’s fair for me to accept
That I was deceived
From the very beginning.
You gave me your word
That I was always the best
But you made our relationship, a lie,
And now, I don’t know what’s next.
But I’m not because you,
You want the whole world.
Do whatever you do,
I’m halfway out the door.

IV.
in bed with him
Sing it out loud, dance with me,
Put your boots on, come on,
I’ll make you feel as free
As the freedom of our song.
No one should have said,
Said anything, nothing at all,
But now, here we are once again
Trying to sweet up something with salt.
They don’t know better than I do,
But you believe them, don’t you?
You believe that lies are the truth
And nothing I say is true.
I saw you moving on with somebody new
But he’ll never move you as I did,
You’ll be in his bed, in bed with him
And I’ll be the one that you’ll miss.

V. dirty scandals
I’m right here, by the moon,
Watching the sun coming up.
I’ve been a bacteria for so long,
The dirtiest lyric in our song.
I daydream about the day that I
Will find the perfect recipe for me,
The most imperfect moment in my life,
Sexualizing my body with no guarantee.
I go from place to place ever since,
Landed in a country filled with canals
Where everyone is against capitalism
But everyone buys its dirty scandals.
I do not mind it, not one bit,
Whatever you do with people who
Are just using you for their own means,
But you don’t care, do you?

VI.
lovesick
If you don’t want to see me
In a relationship with somebody else,
Put your hands to work to see
Me hooked up on you once again.
I’m not scared to have to let you go
Because I have done it already so,
Don’t try to gain me back,
Mistakes learnt since we both met.
Moving on feels scary but necessary
But necessary changes feel scary,
And I’m ready to take that risk,
Of falling in and out, so lovesick.

VII. dirty body (exposed.)
I may be wandering around,
I may still have feelings for you
but you’re not with me now
even if you have feelings for me too.
My mother said I’ve been quiet,
she said the beard made me happy,
but my mother doesn’t know what
you’ve been doing to me lately.
If you wonder if I want to get back,
baby, just know I miss the past,
and I truly wish these feelings could last,
nothing but memories are just that.
I don’t know who you’ve been with,
it’s not a matter to forgive or jealousy,
I just won’t be able to show you affection
if you come to me with a dirty body.

VIII. miss it all
You broke up with me six weeks ago
And I still feel the gold rush from it,
And even if I had to leave to let you go,
You told me to and now you miss me.
It’s somewhat funny how things
Turned out to be made this way,
But I still hope, I still believe
That we’ll be together someday.
But now, I miss it all, you miss it all,
Hurt, pain, happiness and more
And now you tell me to give you the call,
But now I don’t want it anymore.
A soft pink rose slowly dying
Is how I feel about my name,
Slowly but steady disappearing
My bad reputation, my disgraceful fame.

IX. new blue
I hope that you see skyscrapers from afar
To think of me the same way -
Impossible to touch but able to see
From right now to every single day.
I can’t take well your design for infidelity,
I won’t take the idea of you with,
With someone else, just no,
As if I’m just somebody you forgot to miss.
I cannot excuse you for abusing me,
My kindness, my true compassion,
The way you felt has even died off,
Has shifted my ways of happiness.
You told me one truth, a thousand lies,
I’m not able to believe you, to trust you,
I’m a garden with flowers, blossoming,
And you’re just you, you’re my new blue.

To be continued...