CHECK Nord #2
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PARTNERSHIP<br />
ENGLISH<br />
SELF-RESPECT<br />
IN YOUR PARTNERSHIP<br />
Interview: Torsten Schwick<br />
Mistrust, insults, absurd tokens of love: many couples are familiar with these<br />
problems. But what does it mean when a once beautiful relationship suddenly<br />
turns into a war of the roses? Life coach Sven Rebel, known from the TV format<br />
“Ganz schön Berlin”, talks to us about the need for control and why self-respect is<br />
so important in a partnership.<br />
Hello Sven, you often work with couples. In<br />
your experience, how do problems often arise<br />
in relationships?<br />
This of course comes down to the individual.<br />
But a lot of problems occur when one or both<br />
partners have lost their self-respect. Or maybe<br />
they never really had any in the first place.<br />
Self-respect is the degree to which we respect<br />
ourselves. It‘s about a lot of things: dignity,<br />
self-confidence and also trust in our abilities,<br />
i.e. how competently we act in certain situations.<br />
If we lack self-respect, we can no longer<br />
act specifically and consciously. This leads to<br />
problematic situations.<br />
How do these problems manifest?<br />
It is often the case that one party puts pressure<br />
on the other. The other party allows it, even<br />
though they – mostly or often – know that it is<br />
wrong. In that case, the “oppressed” party is the<br />
one with too little self-respect.<br />
Many people try to solve their own internal<br />
problems through their partner: by humiliation,<br />
by applying pressure or by instilling fear.<br />
Ultimately, there is always the need for control<br />
behind everything. When I‘m in control of someone,<br />
I feel better. It‘s a form of self-exaltation.<br />
It is not always the partner who triggers a lack<br />
of self-esteem. The problem is usually there<br />
before. But when a situation occurs with this<br />
lack of self-worth, the issue becomes larger.<br />
You start to lower your self-esteem more and<br />
more. Because you believe that if you still do<br />
this and that, if you make yourself smaller and<br />
respond to a lot of conditions and demands,<br />
then everything will be fine. But this behavior<br />
only makes the relationship and yourself<br />
weaker.<br />
That sounds a lot like “good versus bad”. But<br />
it‘s usually not that simple...<br />
Someone who doesn‘t treat their partner well<br />
isn’t necessarily doing it with bad intent, but<br />
maybe because they have found it can also<br />
be good for themselves. They have improved<br />
their own life and now the partner no longer<br />
fits into the old pattern. This is of course very<br />
bad and terrible for those left behind. But the<br />
supposedly “bad guy” has found fulfillment and<br />
satisfaction.<br />
As a coach, where do you start when something<br />
like this happens?<br />
First of all, I take a very close look at people‘s<br />
individual situations. Then I usually speak to<br />
the partners separately in order to first work<br />
through certain well-established routines and<br />
patterns. I try to understand people inclusive of<br />
their individual story, topic and feelings. Then<br />
we work together to find out how much the<br />
relationship is actually worth and how much<br />
appreciation they have for one another. The<br />
partners then express their wishes and needs<br />
and decide how much they are willing to do for<br />
the other. I do it like this because before anything<br />
you first have to know what you actually<br />
want. What are you ready to give and to give<br />
up? Don’t start by thinking about what the other<br />
one is doing wrong. Think about what is good for<br />
you. This is actually a painful process because<br />
34 <strong>CHECK</strong> NORD <strong>#2</strong>