From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout

It wasn’t myy choice.
I had been born into this, in the same wayy that all the second sons and
daughters were. Even though none of them seemed to dread their future, it
wasn’t their choice either.
I hadn’t been lyying or tryying to cover up a hidden agenda when I
helped Agnes or exposed myyself to Marlowe. I did that because I could—
because it was my choice. I trained to use a sword and bow because it was
my choice. But was there another motive behind sneaking off to watch
fights or swimming naked? Visiting gambling dens or lurking in parts of
the castle forbidden to me and listening in on conversations that I wasn’t
supposed to hear? Or when I left myy chambers without Vikter or Ryylan just
so I could spyy on the balls held in the Great Hall and people-watch in
Wisher’s Grove? What about the Red Pearl? Letting Hawke kiss me?
Touch me? All of those things that I’d done, I did because theyy were my
choice, but…
But could it also be what Vikter had suggested?
What if, deep down, I wasn’t just tryying to live and experience
everyything I could before myy Ascension? What if I was, on some kind of
unconscious level, tryying to ensure that the Ascension never happened?
These thoughts troubled me throughout the dayy, and for once, I wasn’t
all that restless in myy confinement. At least not until the sun began to set.
Having dismissed Tawnyy hours before supper since there was no reason for
her to sit around while I did nothing but moroselyy stare out the windows, I
finallyy got annoyyed with myyself and yyanked open the door.
Onlyy to find Ryylan lounging across the hall.
I drew up short.
“Going somewhere, Pen?” he asked.
Pen.
Ryylan was the onlyy one who called me that. I liked it. I let go of the
door, and it slowlyy inched back, bumping myy shoulder. “I don’t know.”
He grinned at me as he ran a hand over his light brown hair. “It’s
time, isn’t it?”
Glancing behind me to the windows, I saw that it was dusk. Surprise
flickered through me. I’d wasted an entire dayy in self-reflection.
Priestess Analia would be thrilled to hear that, but not the reasons.
Either wayy, I wanted to punch myyself in the face.
But it was time. I nodded and started to step out—