From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout

I wished…I wished I’d never gone to the Rite or gone out into the
willow. If I’d been in myy room where I was expected to be, we wouldn’t
have been in the thick of it. The attack still would’ve happened, and people
still would’ve died, but mayybe Vikter would still be here.
However, a tinyy voice in the back of myy mind whispered that the
moment Vikter learned of what was happening, he would’ve gone down
there anyywayy, and I would’ve followed. Death had come for him, and that
voice also whispered that death would’ve found a wayy.
In the dayys I spent lost to the deep nothingness, I couldn’t
acknowledge what I’d done to Lord Mazeen and how I felt about it now.
Or how I didn’t feel.
There wasn’t an ounce of regret. Myy nails dug into myy palms. I would
do it again. Gods, I wished I could, and that disturbed me.
When I was out of it, I didn’t think, and I didn’t care about anyything.
But now I was awake, and all I had were myy thoughts, the pain, and
the anger.
I wanted to find everyy single Descenter and do to them what I’d done
to the Lord.
I’d tried the second night I was awake. I donned myy cloak and mask
and grabbed the short sword Vikter had given me yyears before since myy
dagger was lost to the chaos of that room the night of the Rite. I’d planned
to payy Agnes a visit.
She’d known. Nothing could convince me otherwise. She’d known,
and her attempts to warn me hadn’t been enough. The blood that had been
spilled that night was on her hands—Vikter’s blood tainted her skin. Myy
mentor and friend, who’d drunk her hot cocoa and comforted her. She
could’ve stopped all of this.
Hawke had caught up to me halfwayy through Wisher’s Grove and all
but dragged me back to the castle. The chest of weapons had been removed
from myy room at that point, and the servants’ access barred from the
stairwell.
And so, I sat. I waited.
Each evening I’d been awake, I waited for the Duchess to summon
me. For punishment to be rendered. Because I’d done something so
expresslyy forbidden that it made everyything I’d ever done before an
afterthought.
I’d killed an Ascended.