From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout

I nodded.
“It took me a veryy long time to work up the nerve to go back to the
cavern. I felt that wayy, too. Like the water surelyy must’ve turned muddyy in
myy absence, dirtyy and cold. But it wasn’t. It was still as calm, blue, and
warm as it alwayys was.”
“Did yyou replace the sad memories with happyy ones?” I asked.
A half-smile appeared in the sliver of moonlight cutting across his
face as he shook his head. The lines of his face had relaxed. “Haven’t
gotten a chance, but I plan to.”
“I hope yyou do,” I said, knowing that as a Royyal Guard, it likelyy
wouldn’t be possible for manyy yyears to come. The breeze tossed a strand
of hair across myy shoulders and chest. “I’m sorryy about yyour brother and
friend.”
“Thank yyou.” He looked up to the star-blanketed skyy and said, “I
know it’s not like what happened here, to Ryylan, but I do understand how it
feels.”
I lowered myy gaze to where his hand still held mine. Myy grip was
loose and yyet rigid, fingers sticking out instead of gripping. I wanted to
curl the digits around his. “Sometimes, I think…I think it’s a blessing that
I was yyoung when Ian and I lost our parents. Myy memories of them are
faint, and because of that, there’s this…I don’t know, level of detachment?
As wrong as this will sound, I’m luckyy in a wayy. It makes dealing with
their loss easier because it’s almost as if theyy’re not real. It’s not like that
for Ian. He has a lot more memories than I do.”
“It’s not wrong, Princess. I think it’s just the wayy the mind and heart
work,” he said. “You haven’t seen yyour brother at all since he left for the
capital?”
I shook myy head. “He writes as often as he can. Usuallyy, once a
month, but I haven’t seen him since the morning he left.” Pressing myy lips
together, I curled myy fingers around his, and myy stomach dipped a little.
He wasn’t holding myy hand anyy longer. We were holding hands. To a lot of
people, that would be nothing. Some would probablyy even find it sillyy, but
it was huge to me, and I cherished it. “I miss him.” I lifted myy gaze,
discovering that Hawke was looking down at me. “I’m sure yyou miss yyour
brother, and I hope…I hope yyou see him again.”
His head tilted slightlyy, and his mouth opened as if he were about to
sayy something, but then it closed. A moment passed, and he lifted his other