36 — VANGUARD, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24, 2021 She refuses to have my family at our wedding Dear Bunmi, MY FIANCÉE doesn't get on with my family and things have turned really nasty. She wasn't their favourite candidate when we first started dating as she used to date a relation. With time, I was able to work on my family to respect the love I had for her. Now that we're talking marriage, she's issued an ultimatum that if I involved my family the wedding wouldn't take place. I think this is absurd and I've told her she's overreacting but she refuses to budge. What should I do? Walter, By e-mail. Dear Walter, What an outrageous and ridiculous ultimatum! You should tell her to stop behaving like a spoilt brat. She supposedly loves you, yet wants you to promise not to see your family who you love dearly. Her behaviour should make you question the whole relationship but if you still want her, then let her know what she's asking for is impossible. That your family is as important to you as she is and you need to have an honest and practical chat about how to make things work so everyone can be happy. She doesn't have to love your family - or they her, but they both need to be respectful of your situation. Whatever you do, don't tell your family she asked you to make this choice because she certainly will forever remain in their bad books! Your friends who knew of your husband's affair and kept quiet didn't do so out of nastiness but fear of what might happen if the truth came out. They were afraid to be honest with you in case you turned on them and they might also be wary of interfering in your relationship, hoping that marriage might change your husband for the better. I don't feel passionate about him Dear Bunmi, I have had good and intense relationships in the past and had hoped this would continue with my current boyfriend, but life with him is quieter and though the lovemaking is okay, I wouldn't call it earth shattering. I just turned 30 and would love to have children, and my new man could be a sensible choice as he's financially solid. Only I'm not that excited about spending the rest of my life with him. My married friends have told me that passion fades with time, anyway, and I should stay with him because he's a good catch. Am I wrong for wanting to hang on for someone I feel passionate about? Constance, by e-mail. Dear Constance, We're not talking about a business partnership here, but a love match. Like your friends, some people would argue differently, saying If you're after a more powerful, emotional and sexual experience, then hang on for the person you want to instantly fall all over you! Passion won't guarantee you a lifetime lover but it's a good start and is likely to make you stick around for the finish. marriage plus children is a type of business arrangement, and the qualities you search for in a husband are different from those in a lover. The danger here is that if you settle for Mr. Sensible, chances of having affairs with men who turn you on are high. Who you choose to spend the rest of your life with and why, has a lot to do with your personality. If you want a passionate, intense relationship, chemistry is crucial. But if you would rather settle for 'content', then chemistry's not important. With real passion, the more involved you are, the more you have to lose and some people are wary of this. If you're after a more powerful, emotional and sexual experience, then hang on for the person you want to instantly fall all over you! Passion won't guarantee you a lifetime lover but it's a good start and is likely to make you stick around for the finish. And remember, even good relationships have a lot of boring bits, and passion is what keeps us hanging in there, rather than dashing out the door the second problems start. Who you choose to spend the rest of your life with and why, has a lot to do with your personality. If you want a passionate, intense relationship, chemistry is crucial. It feels like I'm still inexperienced Dear Bunmi, ALTHOUGH I am in my mid twenties, I lost my virginity only last year and I've had sex with a couple of guys to get more experience. But my relationship with these guys didn't last because sex with them didn't turn me on all that much. I've now met a man I consider my dream guy but we haven't had sex yet in spite of the fact we've been dating for weeks now. My problems is that I still feel like a virgin because I'm so inexperienced and I don't want to do anything wrong and put my new man off. What should I do? Saudat, By e-mail. Wearing knickers makes her uncomfortable! Dear Bunmi, Ihave been involved with Franca for over two years. She is a professional, highly successful woman and comes from a respectable background. She lives in a flat she bought in Ikoyi and I share a luxury flat with a friend on the Island. We are very compatible sexually and I have marriage on my mind. One thing that makes me uncomfortable is Franka's refusal to wear knickers. She says they make her uncomfortable. Even when she has her periods, she uses tampons and refuses to have anything to do with that brand of underwear. I shouldn't complain really as it has made love-making an adventurous project. But what happens if she climbs the stairs and Why did he marry me? Dear Bunmi, AFTER I discovered I was pregnant, my boyfriend of two years decided we should get married. I now have an 18-month-old son and my husband is in a hot affair with this woman he knew before we got married. As a matter of fact, almost everybody we knew were aware of the affair, yet no one told me especially since she is well known to me. I feel betrayed by everyone and have left my matrimonial home. I would have gone mad if I had stayed. Felicia, By e-mail. Dear Saudat, Why don't you learn to relax for a start? And forget the notion that you'll learn to be a good lover by having a series of men to practice with! Most people learn about sex in a committed relationship where you both have the time and desire to explore each other's bodies and learn how to communicate your sexual wants and needs in a safe, loving environment. Let your new man know you have limited experience with sex and that's why you haven't rushed it. With his help, you can then relax and if he's more experienced, let him take you through your paces! people can see up her legs? Or if she suddenly gets knocked down by a car and is exposed? She said nothing I would say would make her change her mind. But don't you think it's a bit of a frivolity for a lady not to wear knickers. Alaba, By e-mail. Dear Alaba, A lot of men would give their right arm to be in your shoes! Seriously, how many exposed knickers have you seen in the last ten years? Except you are a flasher, what you wear or don't wear underneath your clothes, be it male or female, is strictly your business. Frivolity has nothing to do with it and the earlier you came out of the Dark Ages, the sooner you'd enjoy this healthy relationship better. Dear Felicia, Your friends who knew of your husband's affair and kept quiet didn't do so out of nastiness but fear of what might happen if the truth came out. They were afraid to be honest with you in case you turned on them and they might also be wary of interfering in your relationship, hoping that marriage might change your husband for the better. Your husband is the love rat here and while you now have to get over his deceit, don't think your friends betrayed you too. They obviously believed they were doing their best for you. Share your problems and release your burden. Write now to Dear Bunmi, Vanguard Newspapers, P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk
Vanguard, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24, 2021 — 37
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