Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2021
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics. Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics.
Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
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DREAMING OF<br />
MOTHERHOOD<br />
Helping Families Thrive in Christ<br />
APRIL / MAY <strong>2021</strong><br />
Canada<br />
JERRY JENKINS’<br />
NEW BOOK<br />
SERIES<br />
which<br />
Generati<strong>on</strong><br />
has<br />
<strong>the</strong> Best Marriages?<br />
pg. 12
<strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong><br />
C<strong>on</strong>tents<br />
Couples<br />
Faith & Inspirati<strong>on</strong><br />
Kids & Teens<br />
11 SKIPPING SCREEN TIME<br />
A marriage insight from<br />
Arlene Pellicane<br />
21 GOD’S LOVE AND FORGIVENESS<br />
A reflecti<strong>on</strong> from Phil Stacey<br />
as told to Ann Byle<br />
31 OUR CHOICE TO LOVE<br />
A parenting tip from<br />
Rob and Amy Ames<br />
Finding Hope for Your<br />
Hurting Marriage<br />
video series<br />
Dr. Gary Chapman is best known for his book The Five Love Languages,<br />
but his decades of work as a marriage counsellor have also enabled him to<br />
provide hope to even <strong>the</strong> most hurting marriages. In this six-part video series,<br />
he speaks to those couples who feel hopeless.<br />
Dr. Chapman addresses <strong>the</strong> necessity of living in reality, our emoti<strong>on</strong>al<br />
needs, depressi<strong>on</strong>, c<strong>on</strong>trol, abuse and infidelity. In each video, he provides<br />
practical, godly advice for couples who feel all is lost.<br />
12 WHICH GENERATION HAS<br />
THE BEST MARRIAGES?<br />
And what couples can learn<br />
from each o<strong>the</strong>r to win in <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
own relati<strong>on</strong>ships<br />
by Haydn Shaw<br />
17 WHEN YOUR LOVED ONE HURTS<br />
Taking back your marriage<br />
from chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain<br />
by Ginger Kolbaba<br />
22 SCARLETT’S ARRIVAL<br />
A healing gift of hope amid<br />
<strong>the</strong> gravity of grief<br />
by W. Lee Warren<br />
27 BRINGING THE GOSPEL TO LIFE<br />
Revisit Dallas Jenkins’ “The Chosen”<br />
TV series through a new novel by<br />
bestselling author Jerry B. Jenkins<br />
by Brittany Raymer<br />
In Every<br />
Issue<br />
4 A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT<br />
5 HACKS & FACTS<br />
10 MEDIA<br />
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY<br />
32 SAYING YES TO GOD’S NUDGE<br />
We thought adopting children with<br />
Down syndrome would be a burden,<br />
but it was <strong>on</strong>e of our greatest<br />
blessings<br />
by Hea<strong>the</strong>r Avis<br />
34 THE FIVE SENSES OF CONNECTION<br />
Creating sensory experiences to<br />
streng<strong>the</strong>n your relati<strong>on</strong>ship with<br />
your kids<br />
by Ted Stackpole<br />
38 DREAMING OF MOTHERHOOD<br />
Lorie had given up <strong>on</strong> her desire to<br />
be a parent, but that was before she<br />
met Natalie<br />
by Thomas Jeffries<br />
41 REDRAWING BOUNDARIES<br />
Know when it’s time to affirm your<br />
kids as adults<br />
by Dr. Henry Cloud<br />
44 BE A GIFT TO YOUR GRANDKIDS<br />
And enjoy <strong>the</strong> unique role<br />
you play in <strong>the</strong>ir lives<br />
by Bruce Gord<strong>on</strong><br />
Sign up for this free video series today.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca / HopeForYourMarriage<br />
FLAFFY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
<strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3
A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT<br />
sharing <strong>the</strong><br />
good news<br />
president Jim Daly<br />
chief operating officer Ken Windebank<br />
publisher Steve Johns<strong>on</strong><br />
focus canada interim president Bob Cheatley<br />
editorial director Sheila Seifert<br />
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez<br />
Hacks & Facts<br />
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING<br />
copy chief Scott DeNicola<br />
Bob Cheatley is interim<br />
president of <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>Family</strong> Canada<br />
HE IS RISEN! These are <strong>the</strong> w<strong>on</strong>derful<br />
words of Easter—<strong>the</strong> high point of <strong>the</strong><br />
Christian year when Jesus defeated <strong>the</strong><br />
grave and made a way for all who believe in<br />
him to have eternal life. But Easter is more<br />
than just an annual day of remembrance<br />
for those who follow Jesus. We are an Easter<br />
people and we live our lives in <strong>the</strong> w<strong>on</strong>der<br />
and power of <strong>the</strong> resurrecti<strong>on</strong>.<br />
We are in <strong>the</strong> 50-day seas<strong>on</strong> of Easter.<br />
Just as Good Friday and Easter were events<br />
that divinely coincided with <strong>the</strong> Feast<br />
of Passover, <strong>the</strong> coming of <strong>the</strong> promised<br />
Holy Spirit occurred at <strong>the</strong> Feast of Pentecost, those 50<br />
days later. During <strong>the</strong> first 40 days after his resurrecti<strong>on</strong>,<br />
Jesus appeared to his disciples <strong>on</strong> various occasi<strong>on</strong>s that<br />
are recorded in Scripture and even appeared <strong>on</strong>ce to 500<br />
people. Jesus wanted every<strong>on</strong>e in Jerusalem to know that<br />
he was alive. Before he was taken up to heaven, as recorded<br />
in Acts 1, he commissi<strong>on</strong>ed his disciples to be his witnesses<br />
and take <strong>the</strong> Good News everywhere, even to <strong>the</strong> ends of<br />
<strong>the</strong> earth. We who are Christ-followers have been given that<br />
same commissi<strong>on</strong> as well.<br />
We are an Easter people. We have Good News to share.<br />
God did not leave us powerless. After ten days of prayer<br />
in <strong>the</strong> upper room, <strong>the</strong> Holy Spirit fell up<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> newborn<br />
church so that believers were enabled to witness, not by <strong>the</strong><br />
strength of human persuasi<strong>on</strong>, but in <strong>the</strong> power of <strong>the</strong> Spirit.<br />
As followers of Christ our lives are our most important<br />
witness to <strong>the</strong> resurrecti<strong>on</strong> of Jesus and our faith in him.<br />
When we have an opportunity to share our faith with<br />
o<strong>the</strong>rs, God <strong>the</strong> Holy Spirit will supply <strong>the</strong> words we need<br />
and will prepare <strong>the</strong> hearts of our hearers. So, let us always<br />
be ready to give an account for <strong>the</strong> hope that we have<br />
in Jesus (1 Peter 3:15). I hope this issue of <strong>the</strong> magazine<br />
provides you with fur<strong>the</strong>r encouragement and insights into<br />
how to live out your faith in your marriage, as a parent, and<br />
as a bro<strong>the</strong>r or sister of Christ.<br />
<strong>May</strong> you live in <strong>the</strong> joy of Easter this seas<strong>on</strong> and all<br />
through <strong>the</strong> year. Our lives proclaim <strong>the</strong> Gospel. The Lord is<br />
risen indeed!<br />
Bob Cheatley<br />
SHANNON-MAY PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, Vance<br />
Fry, Jennifer L<strong>on</strong>as, Thomas Jeffries,<br />
Marianne Hering and Jeff Masching<br />
art director Brian Mellema<br />
designer Anneka Jack<br />
cover The Beautiful Mess Photography<br />
media publishing director Kevin Shirin<br />
editorial assistant Kat Bittner<br />
print producti<strong>on</strong> Gail Wise<br />
circulati<strong>on</strong> Sandy Grivy<br />
Thank you!<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> provides this magazine and<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r resources through <strong>the</strong> generosity of friends<br />
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<strong>Magazine</strong>.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine <strong>April</strong> /<strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong>, Vol. 6,<br />
No. 2 ISSN 2471-5921, © <strong>2021</strong> <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>. All<br />
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Scripture quotati<strong>on</strong>s, unless o<strong>the</strong>rwise indicated, are<br />
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ANNEKA JACK / FOTF<br />
His Sheep<br />
Easter is a good time to remind children what it means that Christ is<br />
<strong>the</strong> Lamb of God, but <strong>the</strong>se less<strong>on</strong>s are valuable to remember all year<br />
l<strong>on</strong>g. Last year I cut out two paper lambs for each of my children and<br />
made <strong>the</strong> wooly coats using white curled strips of paper. I cut a white<br />
piece of paper into half-inch-wide strips, making sure <strong>the</strong>y were l<strong>on</strong>g<br />
enough to write a word or two <strong>on</strong> each <strong>on</strong>e.<br />
For <strong>the</strong> first lamb, I wrote <strong>on</strong>e attribute of <strong>the</strong> Lamb of God <strong>on</strong> each<br />
strip using <strong>the</strong> names of Christ: King of kings, Redeemer, Savior. On<br />
<strong>the</strong> strips for <strong>the</strong> sec<strong>on</strong>d lamb, I wrote <strong>on</strong>e attribute we should show<br />
as God’s children—His sheep—using <strong>the</strong> qualities of love menti<strong>on</strong>ed<br />
in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Then I wrapped <strong>the</strong> strips around a pencil to<br />
form a curl.<br />
My children and I talked about what those names of God mean and<br />
about how we’re to act as children of God, His sheep. I also marked <strong>the</strong><br />
good deeds my kids accomplished by adding fluffy cott<strong>on</strong> balls to <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
lambs when <strong>the</strong>y showed a little-lamb attribute.<br />
—Joan Leotta<br />
4 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY <strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5
WALKING THROUGH HOLY WEEK / 2017 / 1<br />
Anything in this .25inch z<strong>on</strong>e is not guaranteed safe from being trimmed off.<br />
HACKS & FACTS / GOOD FRIDAY<br />
ANXIETY / HACKS & FACTS<br />
SAFETY VIOLATION ZONE copy in this z<strong>on</strong>e not safe per trim variance (.25 inch).<br />
A Good Friday Plate<br />
Our family enjoys a symbolic lunch <strong>on</strong> Good<br />
Friday. As we start <strong>the</strong> meal, my husband and I<br />
explain that each part of <strong>the</strong> lunch stands for an<br />
aspect of <strong>the</strong> final day when Christ suffered and<br />
died. Each type of food is <strong>on</strong> a different plate.<br />
When it’s time for a certain food, we pass around<br />
<strong>the</strong> plate and every<strong>on</strong>e takes an item. As <strong>the</strong><br />
plate goes around, we read <strong>the</strong> corresp<strong>on</strong>ding<br />
Scripture.<br />
We have a moment of silence and reflecti<strong>on</strong><br />
after announcing <strong>the</strong> death of Jesus.<br />
Salt-andvinegar<br />
chips<br />
Jesus was<br />
offered<br />
vinegar.<br />
John<br />
19:28-30<br />
Foil-covered candy<br />
Judas’ pieces of silver<br />
Mat<strong>the</strong>w 26:14-15<br />
Water<br />
Pilate washing his hands<br />
of resp<strong>on</strong>sibility for<br />
Jesus’ death<br />
Mat<strong>the</strong>w 27:24-25<br />
Bring <strong>the</strong> Easter story<br />
to life for your kids<br />
—Beth Runkle<br />
Hershey’s Kiss<br />
Judas’<br />
betrayal kiss<br />
Luke 22:47-48<br />
AD FPO<br />
Chicken<br />
Peter’s denial<br />
Luke 22:55-62<br />
Full Page<br />
TRIM: 7.75 x 10.5 inch<br />
Pretzel stick cross<br />
The Crucifixi<strong>on</strong><br />
John 19:17-19<br />
Olives<br />
Jesus’ ag<strong>on</strong>y <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
Mount of Olives<br />
Luke 22:39-46<br />
Round cracker with peanut<br />
butter and pretzels<br />
Jesus’ crown of thorns<br />
John 19:1-3<br />
Free download<br />
Getting kids to do <strong>the</strong>ir chores can be a<br />
tiresome, <strong>on</strong>going battle. Yet kids do need<br />
to learn <strong>the</strong> important life skills that chores<br />
can teach – life skills like resp<strong>on</strong>sibility and<br />
self-discipline.<br />
We have some creative<br />
soluti<strong>on</strong>s to help get your<br />
kids <strong>on</strong> board with helping<br />
out around your home!<br />
Toothpick with cheese<br />
The sword at Jesus’ arrest<br />
Luke 22:49-53<br />
Access your free,<br />
Looking 21-page for download more at<br />
Easter-related activities?<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/ChoreWars<br />
Download “Walking Through Holy Week.” This free download is filled with<br />
activities and games to help your children better understand Christ’s death<br />
and resurrecti<strong>on</strong>, and what <strong>the</strong>se events mean for <strong>the</strong>m and a lost world.<br />
ANNEKA JACK / FOTF<br />
ANNEKA JACK / FOTF<br />
Heavy Questi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
When <strong>on</strong>e of our kids asks a particularly heavy<br />
questi<strong>on</strong> or comes to us with a worry that isn’t age<br />
appropriate, we avoid answering it for a bit and<br />
instead ask for <strong>the</strong>ir help moving a big object such<br />
as a packed suitcase or <strong>the</strong> sofa. Of course, our kids<br />
aren’t able to move <strong>the</strong> object. Then we come back<br />
to <strong>the</strong>ir questi<strong>on</strong> or worry and assure <strong>the</strong>m that we,<br />
and God, will carry it for <strong>the</strong>m until <strong>the</strong>y get a bit<br />
bigger and str<strong>on</strong>ger. This has worked well to comfort<br />
our kids and reassure <strong>the</strong>m that <strong>the</strong>y d<strong>on</strong>’t need to be<br />
resp<strong>on</strong>sible for <strong>the</strong>se burdens.<br />
7%<br />
of children ages<br />
3 to 17 have anxiety.<br />
estimate by Journal of Pediatrics, 2019<br />
—Julia Springman<br />
Putting Worries<br />
Into Words<br />
When <strong>the</strong> COVID-19 pandemic began, my daughter<br />
worried about <strong>the</strong> safety of her friends, her teacher<br />
and herself. If <strong>the</strong>re was something to worry about,<br />
she worried. So we began a journal. Each night<br />
before bed, I encouraged her to record any worries in<br />
<strong>the</strong> journal. This gave us <strong>the</strong> opportunity to talk about<br />
any c<strong>on</strong>cerns she had and helped her put her worries<br />
into words. As she wrote (or drew) in her journal, it<br />
helped me understand what was making her nervous<br />
so we could create a plan to alleviate it or cope with<br />
it. Since <strong>the</strong>n we’ve c<strong>on</strong>tinued to use <strong>the</strong> journal to<br />
alleviate o<strong>the</strong>r worries.<br />
—Autumn Shaffer<br />
C<strong>on</strong>quering Their Fears<br />
When helping my kids face <strong>the</strong>ir fears, I first<br />
acknowledge <strong>the</strong>ir fear, and <strong>the</strong>n we try to get to<br />
<strong>the</strong> root of it toge<strong>the</strong>r. I validate my child’s feelings,<br />
recognizing aloud <strong>the</strong> power <strong>the</strong>se emoti<strong>on</strong>s can<br />
hold in his or her mind. Then we ask Jesus to remove<br />
<strong>the</strong> fear. This way my children learn <strong>the</strong> importance<br />
and power of prayer.<br />
Next, I assign a “faith truth” to each feeling <strong>the</strong>y<br />
express. For each fear, we find related Bible verses<br />
and write <strong>the</strong>m down. For example, when fear says<br />
my family is in danger, my faith truth says that God<br />
is our protector (Psalm 91). When fear says we w<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
have enough, my faith truth says that God is our provider<br />
(Philippians 4:19). We’ve memorized Psalm 56:3,<br />
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”<br />
—Rachel Price<br />
Find <strong>the</strong> download at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.com/Easter.<br />
© 2015 <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong><br />
Daily activities • Recipes • Scavenger Hunt<br />
Seder Meal • Games • puzzles<br />
<strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7
HACKS & FACTS / FLEXIBILITY<br />
FLEXIBILITY / HACKS & FACTS<br />
Curb <strong>the</strong> Meltdown<br />
When we’re faced with unexpected changes to our schedule,<br />
I offer my toddlers something positive to look forward to.<br />
I say, “We can’t do that right now, but we can do it later.” I offer<br />
to play a fun game or do <strong>the</strong>ir favorite activity at a later time.<br />
Talking about <strong>the</strong> fun thing <strong>the</strong>y get to do satisfies <strong>the</strong>m. Then<br />
I follow through when it’s physically possible.<br />
We also practice saying, “Not a big deal.” I use a calm, quiet<br />
voice and shrug my shoulders for emphasis. Now when we say,<br />
“Not a big deal,” my 3-year-old says it, too. It helps set a positive<br />
t<strong>on</strong>e, curbing meltdowns before <strong>the</strong>y happen.<br />
FOMO<br />
I often suffered from FOMO—Fear of Missing<br />
Out—and didn’t want my kids to be <strong>the</strong> same.<br />
I began preparing <strong>the</strong>m for potential disappointment<br />
with quick comments, such as “The ice<br />
cream shop could be closed, so if it is, we can<br />
pick out our favorite flavor at <strong>the</strong> grocery store!”<br />
Or if we’re in a hurry and <strong>the</strong> traffic lights are red,<br />
we imagine how green lights could be a blessing<br />
to those <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r side of <strong>the</strong> intersecti<strong>on</strong>. We<br />
use our imaginati<strong>on</strong>s to come up with Plan B or C<br />
when opportunities fall through.<br />
—Jenny Nanninga<br />
—Briana Burchett<br />
To Be or Not to Be<br />
. . . Flexible!<br />
During our home-schooling years, our<br />
daughters started <strong>the</strong>ir own drama<br />
troupe, which lasted eight years.<br />
Rehearsals took over our living room,<br />
and sets, props and costumes took over<br />
<strong>the</strong> rest of <strong>the</strong> house. Since <strong>the</strong> shows<br />
were mostly original, midnight editing<br />
sessi<strong>on</strong>s with our playwright-daughter<br />
<strong>the</strong> night before auditi<strong>on</strong>s became<br />
routine. Switching roles when some<strong>on</strong>e<br />
dropped out went with <strong>the</strong> territory.<br />
Some<strong>on</strong>e calling me to fix costumes<br />
between scenes <strong>on</strong> opening night was<br />
almost expected.<br />
Encouraging my daughters to be<br />
involved in <strong>the</strong>ater producti<strong>on</strong>s allowed<br />
<strong>the</strong>m to learn that flexibility is an everyday<br />
word. I helped our daughters<br />
embrace flexibility as problems arose for<br />
<strong>the</strong>m and o<strong>the</strong>r troupe members. For<br />
example, I might say:<br />
“You didn’t get <strong>the</strong> role you wanted?<br />
Doing this smaller role also allows you<br />
to be <strong>the</strong> stage manager.”<br />
“You d<strong>on</strong>’t have <strong>the</strong> shoes required for<br />
<strong>the</strong> show? Use shoe polish to change<br />
your white <strong>on</strong>es to black.”<br />
And my favorite: “If your microph<strong>on</strong>e<br />
cuts out, remember to project! That<br />
loud voice of yours can be used as an<br />
asset.”<br />
—Cathy <strong>May</strong>field<br />
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK<br />
“We know that for those who<br />
love God all things work<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r for good, for those<br />
who are called according to<br />
his purpose.” —Romans 8:28<br />
Dealing With Disappointment<br />
When something doesn’t go <strong>the</strong> way we plan, I ask my three boys,<br />
“Who can remember a time when God rearranged our plans and<br />
worked it for our good?” Then I remind <strong>the</strong>m of <strong>the</strong> principle in<br />
Romans 8:28, and because <strong>the</strong>y’re competitive, we typically end<br />
up with not <strong>on</strong>e, but three examples of times when things worked<br />
out better than we planned. This activity helps to settle all of us,<br />
and it also gives me practical insight as a mom about how my kids<br />
understand God working in <strong>the</strong>ir lives.<br />
—Joanna Sanders<br />
Offer Some<br />
C<strong>on</strong>trol<br />
D<strong>on</strong>’t even think about rearranging my<br />
10-year-old s<strong>on</strong>’s LEGOs. His middle<br />
name is routine, and resp<strong>on</strong>sibility is his<br />
game.<br />
These traits occasi<strong>on</strong>ally caused c<strong>on</strong>flict<br />
when o<strong>the</strong>r families came over to<br />
visit and <strong>the</strong> children were let loose to<br />
play. My husband and I knew our s<strong>on</strong><br />
needed to learn how to be more flexible.<br />
Now before company arrives, we<br />
challenge him to love o<strong>the</strong>rs like Jesus<br />
loves us. We ask him to give, share and<br />
care, even when it’s hard. Then we ask,<br />
“What are two prized possessi<strong>on</strong>s that<br />
you want to store away when o<strong>the</strong>r kids<br />
come around?” Last time he chose his<br />
favorite stuffed animal and his 1,200-<br />
piece Star Wars-<strong>the</strong>med LEGO set.<br />
Having a small amount of c<strong>on</strong>trol<br />
over an o<strong>the</strong>rwise unc<strong>on</strong>trollable<br />
situati<strong>on</strong> helps him maintain some<br />
flexibility—even if it doesn’t come<br />
naturally.<br />
—Jessie Mattis<br />
Easing <strong>the</strong> Anger<br />
Our 4-year-old s<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong>ce bashed a hole<br />
in a wooden door with a broom after I<br />
locked his toys away. To help him learn<br />
how to resp<strong>on</strong>d better when things<br />
didn’t go his way, we taught him to “sniff<br />
<strong>the</strong> roses, and blow out <strong>the</strong> candles”<br />
when his frustrati<strong>on</strong>s overwhelmed his<br />
judgment. Now, if he gets frustrated, he<br />
takes a deep breath through his nose<br />
and blows it out through his mouth.<br />
The imagery of roses and candles<br />
makes him laugh a little, relax a little and<br />
adjust enough to move <strong>on</strong>.<br />
—Melinda Schaefer<br />
8<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9
MEDIA / PLUGGED IN<br />
UPCOMING<br />
REVIEWS<br />
For reviews of <strong>the</strong>se and o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
titles, visit PluggedIn.ca, <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g><br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>’s media review and<br />
discernment website.<br />
Couples<br />
My child is really interested in<br />
esports, but I’m not even sure what<br />
<strong>the</strong>y are. Can you help me understand<br />
this trend?<br />
Great questi<strong>on</strong>! In a nutshell,<br />
esports involve ei<strong>the</strong>r playing video<br />
games competitively or, more likely,<br />
watching video streams of o<strong>the</strong>rs playing.<br />
You may w<strong>on</strong>der, How many people watch<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r people play video games? The answer:<br />
More than you might think. The most-viewed<br />
tournament of 2020, a competiti<strong>on</strong> involving<br />
<strong>the</strong> popular <strong>on</strong>line video game League of<br />
Legends, drew 1.1 milli<strong>on</strong> viewers. The prize<br />
m<strong>on</strong>ey w<strong>on</strong> at <strong>the</strong>se events stretches into <strong>the</strong><br />
milli<strong>on</strong>s. And <strong>the</strong>re’s <strong>the</strong> staggering amount<br />
of esports wagering, which has become a<br />
multibilli<strong>on</strong>-dollar industry.<br />
Esports are streamed <strong>on</strong> various <strong>on</strong>line<br />
platforms, with Twitch being <strong>the</strong> most popular.<br />
Fans may focus <strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong>e competitor or <strong>on</strong><br />
an organized tournament.<br />
Speaking of which, high schools and colleges<br />
increasingly offer esports teams, too.<br />
Just like traditi<strong>on</strong>al sports such as football<br />
and basketball, <strong>the</strong>se teams serve as potential<br />
springboards to professi<strong>on</strong>al teams or collegiate<br />
scholarships.<br />
That may sound appealing to a young<br />
gamer dreaming of becoming an esports star.<br />
But for every player who makes it big, <strong>the</strong>re<br />
are myriad o<strong>the</strong>rs who never get anywhere<br />
close to achieving that dream. Then <strong>the</strong>re are<br />
c<strong>on</strong>siderati<strong>on</strong>s about <strong>the</strong> time drain and <strong>the</strong><br />
inherent c<strong>on</strong>tent problems (violence, graphic<br />
imagery, language) of some games.<br />
And, as with all <strong>on</strong>line interests, parents<br />
would do well to set boundaries, ask questi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
to understand a child’s interest, and<br />
help establish realistic expectati<strong>on</strong>s regarding<br />
<strong>the</strong> allure of this growing arena.<br />
GODZILLA VS.<br />
KONG<br />
How much CGI violence can<br />
we expect when m<strong>on</strong>sters<br />
collide?<br />
Scheduled release: March 26<br />
CRUELLA<br />
Are kids curious about <strong>the</strong> backstory of<br />
Disney’s fur-loving villain?<br />
Scheduled release: <strong>May</strong> 28<br />
“LOKI”<br />
Does Marvel’s<br />
notorious trickster<br />
have any redeeming<br />
qualities?<br />
Scheduled release:<br />
<strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong><br />
(TOP TO BOTTOM) LEGENDARY PICTURES AND WARNER BROS PICTURES; MARVEL STUDIOS; DISNEY<br />
PHOTO COURTESY OF DANIEL HOFFMA<br />
skipping<br />
screen time<br />
A marriage insight<br />
from Arlene Pellicane<br />
Arlene and James Pellicane<br />
WHEN WE WERE MARRIED more than 22 years ago, my<br />
husband, James, had a strange request. “For our first m<strong>on</strong>th as husband<br />
and wife, could we skip watching televisi<strong>on</strong>?”<br />
This was a big deal to me because not <strong>on</strong>ly did I love watching TV,<br />
but I also worked in <strong>the</strong> industry. However, I agreed, and <strong>the</strong> experiment<br />
worked. We felt closer to each o<strong>the</strong>r without <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>stant hum<br />
of technology.<br />
Since we didn’t want to get sucked back into watching TV every<br />
night, we decided not to subscribe to cable at first and <strong>on</strong>ly had a<br />
huge TV set with rabbit ears that got three channels. We used a VCR<br />
and <strong>the</strong>n moved up to a DVD player.<br />
Using older technology that isn’t bottomless like <strong>the</strong> apps we can<br />
subscribe to today was actually helpful. There was a start and end to<br />
<strong>the</strong> entertainment.<br />
Today we have upgraded to a flat screen TV, but it remains off<br />
for most of <strong>the</strong> day. And when we watch something, we watch it<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r. •<br />
Arlene Pellicane is an author of many books and hosts <strong>the</strong> “Happy Home” podcast.<br />
She co-authored two recent books with Dr. Gary Chapman, Screen Kids and<br />
Grandparenting Screen Kids.<br />
10<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / <strong>May</strong> <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11
COUPLES / STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES<br />
STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES / COUPLES<br />
WHICH<br />
GENERATION<br />
HAS THE BEST<br />
MARRIAGES?<br />
And what couples can learn<br />
from each o<strong>the</strong>r to win in<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir own relati<strong>on</strong>ships<br />
BY HAYDN SHAW<br />
I THOUGHT THE PHONE<br />
CALL WAS A PRACTICAL<br />
JOKE. A producti<strong>on</strong> company<br />
wanted a generati<strong>on</strong>al “expert” to<br />
host a televisi<strong>on</strong> show where four<br />
couples of different generati<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
each struggling in <strong>the</strong>ir marriages,<br />
would live in a house for a<br />
week. They would cook or go places<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r each day and <strong>the</strong>n discuss<br />
<strong>the</strong> problems <strong>the</strong>y saw in <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
marriages. As <strong>the</strong> expert, I would<br />
comment <strong>on</strong> how <strong>the</strong> different generati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
see things. Then at <strong>the</strong> end,<br />
<strong>the</strong>y would share what <strong>the</strong>y had<br />
learned about <strong>the</strong>ir marriage from<br />
<strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>rs.<br />
A couple of screen tests proved<br />
it wasn’t a joke, but my high school<br />
and college-aged kids told me <strong>the</strong><br />
c<strong>on</strong>cept was boring, and I, too, did<br />
not expect it to get picked up. But<br />
it did stir <strong>the</strong>ir curiosity to know<br />
what each generati<strong>on</strong> expected in<br />
marriage, which <strong>on</strong>es stayed married<br />
l<strong>on</strong>ger and which had <strong>the</strong> best<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ships.<br />
Learning what <strong>the</strong> four generati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
want from marriage can help<br />
us understand and streng<strong>the</strong>n our<br />
own and can guide us in <strong>the</strong> help<br />
we can provide <strong>on</strong>e ano<strong>the</strong>r. Within<br />
each generati<strong>on</strong>, couples share general<br />
characteristics that may not<br />
apply to every couple within that<br />
generati<strong>on</strong>, so it’s important that<br />
we do not stereotype. That said, let’s<br />
look at each generati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
SONYACHNY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
KUCO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
Traditi<strong>on</strong>alists<br />
born before 1946<br />
TRADITIONALISTS wanted to find a<br />
good match and have a str<strong>on</strong>g family.<br />
If we asked a traditi<strong>on</strong>alist husband<br />
if he was happy when his kids were<br />
small, he might shrug and not c<strong>on</strong>sider<br />
<strong>the</strong> questi<strong>on</strong>. Traditi<strong>on</strong>alists<br />
didn’t think about being happy in<br />
marriage because happiness would<br />
not have made any difference. A<br />
husband loved his wife and family,<br />
and <strong>the</strong>y needed him.<br />
Couples in this generati<strong>on</strong> were<br />
expected to have children, with <strong>the</strong><br />
wife doing most of <strong>the</strong> child-rearing<br />
and domestic tasks. They married<br />
younger and in greater numbers.<br />
“Pairs and Spares,” <strong>the</strong> name some<br />
churches of that era had for <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
young adult Sunday school classes,<br />
illustrates that singleness was rare<br />
and usually embarrassing. By 1960,<br />
65% of traditi<strong>on</strong>alists ages 18 to 32<br />
were married. (Compared to 26% of<br />
millennials in 2013 who were married<br />
by those same ages.)<br />
Divorce was not socially acceptable,<br />
even though <strong>the</strong> later<br />
traditi<strong>on</strong>alists divorced more and<br />
had fewer children.<br />
What traditi<strong>on</strong>alists<br />
can learn and teach<br />
Traditi<strong>on</strong>alist marriages teach <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r generati<strong>on</strong>s that “Am I<br />
happy?” is not <strong>the</strong> main point of marriage; fidelity is. My traditi<strong>on</strong>alist<br />
grandmo<strong>the</strong>r would say, “Kids <strong>the</strong>se days give up too<br />
easily. We had a hard decade.” Though some traditi<strong>on</strong>alists were<br />
not happy or fulfilled in <strong>the</strong>ir marriages, many grew into love<br />
that brought happiness and fulfillment.<br />
Traditi<strong>on</strong>alists are now in <strong>the</strong> life stage with <strong>the</strong> highest marital<br />
satisfacti<strong>on</strong>. But <strong>the</strong>y can still learn from younger couples about<br />
<strong>the</strong> new rules of negotiati<strong>on</strong> if <strong>the</strong>y run into challenges. >>><br />
12<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13
WHAT DOES IT<br />
MEAN TO<br />
YOUR SPOUSE?<br />
What baby boomers can learn and teach<br />
Baby boomers show <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r generati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
that high expectati<strong>on</strong>s can<br />
motivate us to seek help, but <strong>the</strong>y<br />
can also be a burden. Boomers<br />
divorce more and have been less<br />
happy than o<strong>the</strong>r generati<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
While younger couples seek older<br />
couples to guide <strong>the</strong>m, high expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
make baby boomers, who<br />
have struggled in marriage, reluctant<br />
to mentor. That’s unfortunate,<br />
because Gen X, millennials and now<br />
Gen Z resp<strong>on</strong>d to au<strong>the</strong>nticity, not<br />
perfecti<strong>on</strong>. Boomers need to tell stories<br />
about couples who waited to<br />
have sex until marriage and never<br />
wavered in <strong>the</strong>ir commitment so<br />
millennials can see it is possible.<br />
And divorced people can lay out <strong>the</strong><br />
pitfalls with au<strong>the</strong>nticity: “If I could<br />
STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES / COUPLES<br />
do it all over again . . .” can be powerful<br />
as well.<br />
The changing times can be an<br />
encouragement for those boomers<br />
c<strong>on</strong>templating a “gray wave” divorce:<br />
Marriage isn’t <strong>the</strong> norm or expectati<strong>on</strong><br />
it was 30 years ago. Seeing <strong>the</strong><br />
example of younger couples choosing<br />
marriage could encourage older<br />
couples who are in a rough patch.<br />
Generati<strong>on</strong> X<br />
born between 1965 and 1980<br />
find out in this free<br />
cherish your spouse<br />
video series with<br />
gary thomas!<br />
focus<strong>on</strong><strong>the</strong>family.ca<br />
/cherish<br />
Baby Boomers<br />
born between 1946 and 1964<br />
BABY BOOMERS shifted <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s of marriage. They<br />
looked for a soul mate who would<br />
provide satisfying sex and accept<br />
<strong>the</strong>m for who <strong>the</strong>y were. Much of<br />
’70s music and movies are about<br />
understanding and accepting each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r. The movie Love Story raised<br />
<strong>the</strong> expectati<strong>on</strong>s impossibly high<br />
with <strong>the</strong> famous line, “Love means<br />
never having to say you’re sorry.”<br />
Baby boomers talked openly<br />
about what traditi<strong>on</strong>alists kept private.<br />
The biggest-selling ficti<strong>on</strong><br />
writer of <strong>the</strong> time, Agatha Christie,<br />
described <strong>the</strong> new emphasis <strong>on</strong><br />
sex during <strong>the</strong> boomer era that was<br />
so different from that of her traditi<strong>on</strong>alist<br />
generati<strong>on</strong>: “Sex as a word<br />
had not been menti<strong>on</strong>ed in Miss<br />
Marple’s young days, but <strong>the</strong>re had<br />
been plenty of it—not talked about<br />
so much—but enjoyed far more than<br />
nowadays, or so it seemed to her.”<br />
One byproduct of <strong>the</strong>ir focus <strong>on</strong><br />
self-fulfillment is that baby boomers<br />
were nine times more likely than<br />
traditi<strong>on</strong>alists to seek counseling.<br />
The arguments traditi<strong>on</strong>alists would<br />
have behind closed doors, baby<br />
boomers did in fr<strong>on</strong>t of <strong>the</strong> children,<br />
as well as <strong>the</strong>ir <strong>the</strong>rapist.<br />
The expectati<strong>on</strong>s of baby boomers<br />
led to a jump in divorces. During<br />
<strong>the</strong> ’70s, <strong>the</strong> divorce rate doubled<br />
and <strong>the</strong>n began to decline in 1980.<br />
Currently baby boomers divorce at<br />
twice <strong>the</strong> rate of traditi<strong>on</strong>alists.<br />
KUCO / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
BILLIONPHOTOS.COM / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
WHEN GENERATION Xers saw <strong>the</strong> divorce rate<br />
double, it made <strong>the</strong>m more skeptical about marriage,<br />
but it also motivated <strong>the</strong>m not to put <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
children through divorce. Their desire to avoid a<br />
breakup, as well as wea<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong> ec<strong>on</strong>omic ups and<br />
downs, caused <strong>the</strong>m to marry and have children<br />
later, often cohabitating first.<br />
Gen X was <strong>the</strong> first generati<strong>on</strong> that saw more<br />
women than men graduate from college. Dual<br />
careers ra<strong>the</strong>r than dual jobs made <strong>the</strong>m <strong>the</strong> first<br />
generati<strong>on</strong> to juggle family and work in <strong>the</strong> informati<strong>on</strong><br />
ec<strong>on</strong>omy. It also meant a much greater<br />
demand for work-life balance. Men still did less<br />
childcare and housework than women, but <strong>the</strong>y<br />
did far more than boomer men.<br />
Gen Xers brought realism back to <strong>the</strong> marriage<br />
vows. While boomers wanted it all, Gen<br />
Xers dem<strong>on</strong>strated that protecting <strong>the</strong>ir marriage<br />
required tradeoffs. They redefined success as more<br />
than m<strong>on</strong>ey and houses. They saw firsthand that<br />
<strong>the</strong> sec<strong>on</strong>d marriage was not <strong>the</strong> magic answer<br />
when <strong>the</strong>y were disappointed with <strong>the</strong> first <strong>on</strong>e.<br />
They knew marriage was work, and <strong>the</strong>y decided<br />
it was better not to marry than to be unhappy. No<br />
<strong>on</strong>e called <strong>the</strong>ir young adult Sunday school class<br />
Pairs and Spares anymore.<br />
What Gen Xers can learn and teach<br />
Because Gen Xers expect marriage to have hard spots, <strong>the</strong>y have<br />
made it easier for all generati<strong>on</strong>s to ask for help. My wife is typical.<br />
If she and I have been arguing off and <strong>on</strong> about something<br />
for a couple of m<strong>on</strong>ths, she will say, “Let’s call Tim. I know we’ll<br />
figure it out, but why take six m<strong>on</strong>ths for you to realize when he<br />
can tell you right now that you are wr<strong>on</strong>g?” (Yes, she really does<br />
say that, usually with a smile.)<br />
They tend to be independent and can learn from <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
generati<strong>on</strong>s to find community, to seek a wider circle of support<br />
than <strong>the</strong>ir immediate family and friends. >>><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15
COUPLES / STRENGTHENING MARRIAGES<br />
RESILIENCE / COUPLES<br />
Millennials<br />
born between 1981 and 1998<br />
MILLENNIALS have a lower divorce<br />
rate than baby boomers or Gen Xers.<br />
They are romantics; <strong>the</strong>y believe in<br />
love and marriage (in that order).<br />
They marry later, which is <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong><br />
reas<strong>on</strong>s millennials have <strong>the</strong> lowest<br />
divorce rate.<br />
C<strong>on</strong>stant reports that marriage<br />
may not survive <strong>the</strong> millennials and<br />
Gen Z are inaccurate. While more<br />
than a quarter cohabitate, just over<br />
half of <strong>the</strong>se millennials want to<br />
marry eventually, even am<strong>on</strong>g those<br />
cohabitating. Though <strong>the</strong>y postp<strong>on</strong>e<br />
marriage, <strong>the</strong>y do not postp<strong>on</strong>e sex.<br />
Today, <strong>the</strong> majority in <strong>the</strong> United<br />
States believe marriage is important<br />
but not essential for a happy life and<br />
for well-balanced children.<br />
That makes <strong>the</strong> religious young<br />
people who wait for sex incomprehensible<br />
to <strong>the</strong>ir friends—not <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
because <strong>the</strong>y are virgins, but also<br />
because <strong>the</strong>y understandably marry<br />
four-and-a-half years earlier than<br />
<strong>the</strong> norm. A young millennial married<br />
at 22 explained: “My peers and I<br />
are very aware that marriage isn’t an<br />
easy fairy tale—we know we have to<br />
put <strong>the</strong> work in every day. We’re also<br />
very aware that our marriages ought<br />
to display <strong>the</strong> Gospel, especially now<br />
that we’re viewed as an oddity by<br />
secular culture for getting married in<br />
our early or mid-20s.”<br />
Millennials tend to expect to share<br />
parenting duties and trade off <strong>on</strong><br />
“leaning in.” They are <strong>the</strong> first generati<strong>on</strong><br />
where almost equal percentages<br />
of husbands and wives desire<br />
demanding jobs. Significantly more<br />
female millennials graduate from<br />
universities than males.<br />
What millennials can learn and teach<br />
This was a typical resp<strong>on</strong>se when I asked millennial couples what <strong>the</strong>y could<br />
teach o<strong>the</strong>r generati<strong>on</strong>s: “Hmm . . . that’s tough. I d<strong>on</strong>’t see millennials giving<br />
verbal advice to older couples in <strong>the</strong> way that an older couple would to a<br />
younger couple. I’ve <strong>on</strong>ly been married two years, so my ideas might not be<br />
worth much, but I’ll throw in a few thoughts.”<br />
This reinforces again that millennials will welcome encouragement and<br />
advice, if older couples will help <strong>the</strong>m figure out <strong>the</strong> challenges of marriage—<br />
for a millennial’s generati<strong>on</strong> instead of <strong>the</strong>ir own.<br />
My 30-year-old pastor s<strong>on</strong> said that many older members learned from<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir children’s example. They told him that watching <strong>the</strong>ir kids during <strong>the</strong><br />
COVID-19 pandemic taught <strong>the</strong>m to appreciate <strong>the</strong> everyday things. Their<br />
millennial children are always trying new recipes and most cook meals at<br />
home. They roast <strong>the</strong>ir own coffee and know about <strong>the</strong> best cheap restaurants.<br />
And <strong>the</strong>y want to spend time toge<strong>the</strong>r, as a couple and as a family.<br />
Which generati<strong>on</strong> has <strong>the</strong> best marriages?<br />
If we measure by fewest divorces, traditi<strong>on</strong>alists and millennials<br />
have <strong>the</strong> best marriages. If we measure by <strong>the</strong> most children, Gen<br />
X beats <strong>the</strong> baby boomers. But that questi<strong>on</strong> is as unlikely to succeed<br />
as <strong>the</strong> televisi<strong>on</strong> show that prompted it. It is more important<br />
that people win at <strong>the</strong>ir own marriage—that a relati<strong>on</strong>ship has <strong>the</strong><br />
grace to make up for imperfecti<strong>on</strong>s and <strong>the</strong> love to overcome <strong>the</strong><br />
challenges.<br />
Usually that means we win at marriage with <strong>the</strong> strengths and<br />
challenges of our generati<strong>on</strong>. Because most marry some<strong>on</strong>e within<br />
or near <strong>the</strong>ir own generati<strong>on</strong>, many people tend to think that some<strong>on</strong>e<br />
with similar expectati<strong>on</strong>s about marriage and family will build a<br />
str<strong>on</strong>ger marriage.<br />
Of <strong>the</strong> questi<strong>on</strong>s <strong>the</strong> show prompted my children to ask, “Which<br />
generati<strong>on</strong> has <strong>the</strong> best marriages?” is <strong>the</strong> most fun—but so what?<br />
“What can each generati<strong>on</strong> learn from <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>rs?” is <strong>the</strong> questi<strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong>y talked about <strong>the</strong> most. Smart kids. That questi<strong>on</strong> can make better<br />
marriages. •<br />
Haydn Shaw is a speaker and generati<strong>on</strong>al expert. He is <strong>the</strong> author of Generati<strong>on</strong>al IQ.<br />
STANISLAV / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
CREDIT PIKSELSTOCK TK<br />
/ STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
when your<br />
loved <strong>on</strong>e hurts<br />
Taking back your marriage<br />
from chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain<br />
BY GINGER KOLBABA<br />
16<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17
COUPLES / RESILIENCE<br />
JULIA* WATCHED HER<br />
HUSBAND, Robert, retreat into<br />
<strong>the</strong> house for <strong>the</strong> umpteenth time<br />
and felt her frustrati<strong>on</strong> rise. She<br />
couldn’t understand why he was<br />
unwilling to help with <strong>the</strong> yardwork.<br />
She followed him into <strong>the</strong> house.<br />
“Can you please help me finish<br />
moving <strong>the</strong> rock pile?” She<br />
stopped. Once again she’d forgotten.<br />
Her str<strong>on</strong>g, healthy, able-bodied<br />
husband of 36 years was now experiencing<br />
intense back pain. Robert<br />
was simply unable to functi<strong>on</strong> like<br />
his normally active, str<strong>on</strong>g and outdoorsy<br />
self.<br />
According to <strong>the</strong> Centers for<br />
Disease C<strong>on</strong>trol and Preventi<strong>on</strong>, an<br />
estimated <strong>on</strong>e out of five of adults<br />
suffers from chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain, with age<br />
increasing <strong>the</strong> likelihood. Usually<br />
pain occurs when <strong>the</strong> body has been<br />
injured, but it should go away <strong>on</strong>ce<br />
<strong>the</strong> body heals. Yet for some, <strong>the</strong> pain<br />
doesn’t leave, even after healing, and<br />
it may persist for m<strong>on</strong>ths or even<br />
years, leading to what physicians<br />
diagnose as chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain.<br />
If your spouse is struggling with<br />
chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain, try <strong>the</strong>se tips for navigating<br />
this new way of life toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Recognize pain is more<br />
than just physical<br />
When Ardith began experiencing<br />
daily, often debilitating, headaches<br />
nearly seven years into her marriage,<br />
she hoped prayer and medicine<br />
would alleviate <strong>the</strong>m. But when <strong>the</strong><br />
headaches c<strong>on</strong>tinued for m<strong>on</strong>ths<br />
and <strong>the</strong>n years, making her unable<br />
to do even <strong>the</strong> simplest of household<br />
chores or, at times, to care for<br />
her young s<strong>on</strong>, she fell into a devastating<br />
cycle. Her chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain caused<br />
depressi<strong>on</strong>, and <strong>the</strong> depressi<strong>on</strong><br />
caused more chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain.<br />
She recalls, “I felt terrible watching<br />
my husband, Andy, take up <strong>the</strong> slack<br />
for me or have to c<strong>on</strong>stantly cancel<br />
plans he and I had made because I<br />
just couldn’t handle <strong>the</strong> pain.”<br />
Caregivers need to remember that<br />
a spouse who suffers with chr<strong>on</strong>ic<br />
pain is dealing not <strong>on</strong>ly with <strong>the</strong><br />
physical aspects but also with <strong>the</strong><br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>al, psychological and even<br />
spiritual comp<strong>on</strong>ents of this journey.<br />
Know that your spouse’s inability<br />
to do what he or she <strong>on</strong>ce took for<br />
granted affects his or her sense of<br />
self-worth, too.<br />
“Chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain can change a pers<strong>on</strong>’s<br />
outlook and ability to see<br />
positive outcomes—especially<br />
because nobody knows how this<br />
elusive pain got started or how it’s<br />
going to eventually turn out,” says<br />
Dr. Lydia Floren, who practices<br />
family medicine with <strong>the</strong> <strong>May</strong>o<br />
Clinic Health System in Eau Claire,<br />
Wisc<strong>on</strong>sin.<br />
“Many [chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain sufferers]<br />
struggle with <strong>the</strong> ‘why me?’ questi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
or blaming God when relief<br />
doesn’t come or giving in to <strong>the</strong> negative<br />
side of <strong>the</strong> pain and becoming<br />
hard and critical,” Dr. Floren says.<br />
She str<strong>on</strong>gly recommends that couples<br />
seek help from a professi<strong>on</strong>al<br />
Christian counselor who specializes<br />
in dealing with chr<strong>on</strong>ic illness and<br />
pain to work through <strong>the</strong> associated<br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>al issues.<br />
Talk h<strong>on</strong>estly and openly<br />
Oftentimes, hurting spouses are<br />
reluctant to admit <strong>the</strong>y’re in pain.<br />
So it’s important to encourage <strong>the</strong><br />
hurting spouse to talk h<strong>on</strong>estly and<br />
openly about what he or she is going<br />
through. Living with chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain<br />
gives couples <strong>the</strong> opportunity to<br />
face <strong>the</strong> challenge toge<strong>the</strong>r, improving<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir communicati<strong>on</strong> and even<br />
streng<strong>the</strong>ning <strong>the</strong>ir b<strong>on</strong>d.<br />
In many cases, because <strong>the</strong> cause<br />
of <strong>the</strong> pain isn’t known, <strong>the</strong> treatment<br />
is focused not <strong>on</strong> curing <strong>the</strong><br />
root issue but <strong>on</strong> managing <strong>the</strong><br />
pain—finding ways to allow <strong>the</strong><br />
hurting spouse to functi<strong>on</strong> better<br />
in his or her daily routine. But <strong>the</strong><br />
many side effects of pain—being<br />
unable to handle ordinary tasks<br />
or experiencing depressi<strong>on</strong>, anxiety<br />
and loss of energy—take <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
toll, too.<br />
For Ardith and Andy, who’ve now<br />
been married 41 years, communicating<br />
includes asking multiple times<br />
each day, “How are you feeling?”<br />
That became an especially important<br />
questi<strong>on</strong> when, a little more than<br />
a year ago, Andy began suffering<br />
with his own chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain, making<br />
it extremely unpleasant to walk.<br />
He had been <strong>the</strong> main housekeeper<br />
and grocery shopper, and he had to<br />
admit he couldn’t do it any l<strong>on</strong>ger.<br />
“We had to be h<strong>on</strong>est with each o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
about what we both needed,” Andy<br />
says. So <strong>the</strong>y talked about how <strong>the</strong>y<br />
could c<strong>on</strong>tinue to serve and care for<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
It’s important not to suffer in<br />
silence. If you aren’t used to being<br />
completely candid with each o<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
now is <strong>the</strong> time to work <strong>on</strong> it. This<br />
is also a great opportunity to begin<br />
praying with each o<strong>the</strong>r if you haven’t<br />
before. Andy and Ardith both say<br />
prayer is what helps <strong>the</strong>m communicate<br />
better.<br />
HOW DO WE<br />
HANDLE THE<br />
MEDICAL PART?<br />
Al<strong>on</strong>g with chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain comes an intimate<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship with <strong>the</strong> medical field—<br />
multiple doctors’ appointments, tests,<br />
prescripti<strong>on</strong>s, more tests and setbacks. It<br />
can feel paralyzing and mind-boggling.<br />
Here’s how a caregiver can help:<br />
1<br />
2<br />
CREDIT TK3<br />
Offer grace<br />
“Robert used to be a hobby waiting<br />
to happen. Now he watches televisi<strong>on</strong>,”<br />
Julia says. “I never imagined<br />
us sitting <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> couch in <strong>the</strong> evenings.”<br />
This <strong>on</strong>ce athletic, c<strong>on</strong>stantly<br />
active couple now live a more sedentary<br />
lifestyle.<br />
At first, her husband’s debilitating<br />
pain was a shock, and she thought<br />
it would end quickly. Now she realizes<br />
that chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain is a l<strong>on</strong>g-term<br />
struggle, and <strong>the</strong> limits it puts <strong>on</strong> a<br />
marriage take a lot of adjustment.<br />
She says, “It’s about offering grace<br />
and knowing I need to be more<br />
sensitive.”<br />
Julia recognizes this isn’t what her<br />
husband would choose for himself<br />
or <strong>the</strong>ir marriage, so she’s learned<br />
to be kinder. She says, “If anything,<br />
this whole experience has exposed<br />
my character flaws and how God still<br />
has a lot of work to do in me!”<br />
For a time, when Andy’s pain was<br />
at its worst, Ardith offered grace by<br />
fixing his meals and serving <strong>the</strong>m to<br />
him in <strong>the</strong>ir bedroom. “It’s a give and<br />
take,” she admits.<br />
The couple also understands that<br />
chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain c<strong>on</strong>trols <strong>the</strong>ir abilities.<br />
Ardith’s headaches limit <strong>the</strong>ir social<br />
life, so Andy often attends events or<br />
church by himself. >>><br />
Attend appointments toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
As much as you can, accompany your spouse to medical<br />
appointments so you can both ask questi<strong>on</strong>s and make<br />
observati<strong>on</strong>s. If going toge<strong>the</strong>r isn’t possible, write down your<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s or observati<strong>on</strong>s to send with your spouse.<br />
Help your spouse m<strong>on</strong>itor prescripti<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
If your spouse is prescribed opioids, c<strong>on</strong>sult his or her<br />
physician to see what o<strong>the</strong>r drug opti<strong>on</strong>s are available. With all<br />
medicati<strong>on</strong>s, m<strong>on</strong>itor how your spouse reacts and keep his or<br />
her physician informed about your c<strong>on</strong>cerns.<br />
Research ways to supplement<br />
your medical care.<br />
O<strong>the</strong>r opti<strong>on</strong>s for pain management include physical and<br />
massage <strong>the</strong>rapy, acupuncture, chiropractic care, relaxati<strong>on</strong><br />
techniques and nutriti<strong>on</strong>.<br />
—GK<br />
18<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19
COUPLES / RESILIENCE<br />
Faith & Inspirati<strong>on</strong><br />
God’s<br />
love and<br />
forgiveness<br />
A reflecti<strong>on</strong> from<br />
Phil Stacey<br />
AS TOLD TO ANN BYLE<br />
But he refuses to blame Ardith or<br />
feel sorry for himself. Andy says,<br />
“She’s sacrificing, too, by staying<br />
home and being al<strong>on</strong>e instead of<br />
being involved.”<br />
If you’re a caregiver, remember<br />
that you’re <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> same side as your<br />
hurting spouse, so determine to<br />
battle chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain toge<strong>the</strong>r. That<br />
means practicing grace, kindness<br />
and patience.<br />
Be careful about<br />
complaining, even in jest<br />
Julia still feels guilty about complaining<br />
that her husband wasn’t<br />
doing his “fair share” that day in<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir yard. “I’ve learned a lot since<br />
<strong>the</strong>n,” she says. “How can I complain<br />
when I d<strong>on</strong>’t know what it’s like to<br />
hurt all <strong>the</strong> time?”<br />
Let’s be h<strong>on</strong>est: It’s difficult to<br />
hold your t<strong>on</strong>gue when faced with<br />
an overwhelming and unwanted life<br />
change. Though complaining may<br />
make you feel better in <strong>the</strong> moment,<br />
it w<strong>on</strong>’t change your circumstance<br />
and may actually do more harm<br />
than good.<br />
However, that doesn’t mean you<br />
shouldn’t communicate. Ra<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
communicate in life-affirming and<br />
marriage-h<strong>on</strong>oring ways instead<br />
of just spouting off frustrati<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
Complaining does nothing but cause<br />
anger and add guilt to a spouse who<br />
is already overloaded with physical<br />
and emoti<strong>on</strong>al struggles.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> places you can compromise<br />
and enjoy <strong>the</strong> sweet moments<br />
you can have toge<strong>the</strong>r. For instance,<br />
Robert and Julia now look for televisi<strong>on</strong><br />
shows <strong>the</strong>y can watch toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
She admits, “I’m learning to appreciate<br />
shows that make my husband<br />
laugh.”<br />
It’s OK to c<strong>on</strong>cede this isn’t what<br />
you signed up for, says Dr. Floren.<br />
It’s a grieving process, so it’s good “to<br />
acknowledge this is <strong>the</strong> ‘for worse’<br />
part of your marriage vows. Your<br />
feelings are legitimate, but d<strong>on</strong>’t let<br />
<strong>the</strong>m stay <strong>the</strong>re.”<br />
Instead, she recommends finding<br />
things you can be thankful for.<br />
“There’s great power in thanksgiving,”<br />
she says. Remember that God is still<br />
in c<strong>on</strong>trol, and even in this, He has<br />
a plan for you and for your marriage<br />
(Romans 8:28). Then celebrate small<br />
moments and commit to expressing<br />
love for each o<strong>the</strong>r. After all, no<br />
<strong>on</strong>e wants chr<strong>on</strong>ic pain to enter a<br />
marriage, but if it does, you and your<br />
spouse can remain a healthy and<br />
loving couple. •<br />
Ginger Kolbaba is a speaker and bestselling<br />
author.<br />
*Some names have been changed.<br />
PIKSELSTOCK / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
PHOTO COURTESY OF PHIL STACEY<br />
I REMEMBER some 20 years ago when<br />
<strong>on</strong>e of my best friends told my wife and me<br />
that she’d had an aborti<strong>on</strong> earlier in her life.<br />
The depth of her emoti<strong>on</strong>s revealed how she’d<br />
come to feel about her decisi<strong>on</strong>. She knew,<br />
though, that she’d <strong>on</strong>e day meet her child in<br />
heaven. Talking with her helped cement for<br />
me that every life has value.<br />
The potential of <strong>the</strong> life snuffed out when an<br />
aborti<strong>on</strong> takes place is huge. Yet I want women<br />
who have chosen aborti<strong>on</strong> to know that Jesus<br />
doesn’t stop loving <strong>the</strong>m, that mercy doesn’t<br />
stop reaching <strong>the</strong>m and that Jesus’ grace isn’t<br />
g<strong>on</strong>e because <strong>the</strong>y made that decisi<strong>on</strong>. God<br />
loves and forgives and values <strong>the</strong>m. •<br />
Phil Stacey is creative arts pastor of City Center Church<br />
in Lenexa, Kansas, and was a finalist <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> sixth seas<strong>on</strong><br />
of “American Idol.” His first album, Phil Stacey, debuted<br />
at No. 8 <strong>on</strong> Billboard’s Top Country Albums.<br />
Phil Stacey<br />
20<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21
FAITH & INSPIRATION / WOUNDED HEARTS<br />
WOUNDED HEARTS / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
A healing gift of<br />
hope amid <strong>the</strong><br />
gravity of grief<br />
BY W. LEE WARREN<br />
ON THE DAY WE BURIED<br />
OUR YOUNGEST SON, our<br />
first grandchild was born.<br />
I’d been in <strong>the</strong> middle of writing<br />
a book of observati<strong>on</strong>s I had<br />
made as a surge<strong>on</strong>, while caring<br />
for patients who were in <strong>the</strong> darkest<br />
hours of dealing with brain<br />
tumors, traumas and o<strong>the</strong>r maladies.<br />
I thought I had learned some<br />
things that might help people handle<br />
<strong>the</strong> strife and pain life brings,<br />
and to find or hold <strong>on</strong> to <strong>the</strong>ir faith<br />
in those stormy seas<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
With my s<strong>on</strong>’s death, suddenly<br />
I was <strong>on</strong>e of those people looking<br />
for answers, raging at God, groping<br />
around in <strong>the</strong> darkness searching for<br />
something—anything—to hold <strong>on</strong> to.<br />
We held a service and said goodbye<br />
to Mitch. Friends and family<br />
ga<strong>the</strong>red toge<strong>the</strong>r holding <strong>on</strong>e<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r up against <strong>the</strong> heavier<br />
gravity of grief.<br />
But we were missing our oldest<br />
daughter, Caity, and our s<strong>on</strong>-in-law,<br />
Nate, as <strong>the</strong>y were a thousand miles<br />
away in Texas.<br />
While we labored to survive <strong>the</strong><br />
pain of grief, Caity was laboring<br />
to deliver, her joy and excitement<br />
mixed with <strong>the</strong> pain of losing her<br />
bro<strong>the</strong>r and being unable to ga<strong>the</strong>r<br />
with us, or for us to be with her as<br />
we’d planned.<br />
© ROBERT KOHLHUBER / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
Baby Scarlett<br />
A week later my wife, Lisa, and I flew<br />
to San Ant<strong>on</strong>io, almost silent during<br />
<strong>the</strong> journey because every time we<br />
tried to talk, tears still choked our<br />
voices.<br />
Holding my new, perfect, miraculous<br />
granddaughter was a wholly<br />
different experience from any o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
baby I’d ever held, even my own.<br />
Before, it was always me pouring<br />
love and energy into <strong>the</strong>m, amazed<br />
at <strong>the</strong>ir flawlessness and giving <strong>the</strong>m<br />
my heart immediately. But in holding<br />
baby Scarlett for <strong>the</strong> first time, it<br />
felt as if she was d<strong>on</strong>ating life to me.<br />
She was giving me something that<br />
had been seeping from my open<br />
wounds since her uncle, whom she’ll<br />
never meet in this lifetime, left us so<br />
unexpectedly 10 days before.<br />
Our week in Texas, and <strong>the</strong><br />
m<strong>on</strong>ths that followed, were a<br />
cacoph<strong>on</strong>y of “buts”:<br />
• We had a new grandbaby, but<br />
we’d lost a s<strong>on</strong>.<br />
• We were in love, but we were desperately<br />
grief stricken.<br />
• We loved Scarlett, but we missed<br />
Mitch.<br />
Every smile had a corresp<strong>on</strong>ding<br />
tear; every sorrow had a c<strong>on</strong>nected<br />
joy.<br />
A pervasive guilt enveloped me<br />
every time I caught myself thinking<br />
<strong>on</strong>ly about being a grandfa<strong>the</strong>r, and<br />
not about being a fa<strong>the</strong>r whose s<strong>on</strong><br />
was g<strong>on</strong>e. It seemed as if it were<br />
somehow an offense to Mitch for me<br />
to have a moment of laughter at <strong>the</strong><br />
latest picture or video Caity sent.<br />
Scarlett and Mitch were c<strong>on</strong>nected<br />
by all those “buts.”<br />
Life keeps moving<br />
The thing about grief is, most of us<br />
d<strong>on</strong>’t know how to handle it, especially<br />
<strong>the</strong> first time we experience it.<br />
But life keeps moving <strong>on</strong>, and so<strong>on</strong><br />
we have to get back to work.<br />
As I reinserted myself into my<br />
world of neurosurgery, moving in<br />
and out of <strong>the</strong> lives of hurting people,<br />
I began to notice something I’d<br />
never seen before: People grieve<br />
when <strong>the</strong>y lose things <strong>the</strong>y thought<br />
<strong>the</strong>y knew.<br />
If I were to sit down with you in<br />
my doctor’s office, look into your<br />
eyes and say, “It’s brain cancer,” <strong>the</strong><br />
entire narrative you’ve created for<br />
your life would change by <strong>the</strong> time<br />
my words trailed off.<br />
You might have been thinking you<br />
knew <strong>the</strong> gist of your life, but your<br />
dreams and plans didn’t include<br />
chemo<strong>the</strong>rapy, radiati<strong>on</strong> and painful<br />
surgeries. You might have been<br />
thinking about a 30-year mortgage,<br />
but now I’ve told you about a<br />
15-m<strong>on</strong>th average survival.<br />
It also happens with trauma<br />
patients, with stroke victims, with<br />
families of people who take <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
own lives or succumb to <strong>the</strong>ir illness.<br />
They run full force into “but.”<br />
• “Our life was this, but <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong><br />
accident happened.”<br />
• “We were supposed to do that<br />
thing, but <strong>the</strong> biopsy results were<br />
bad.”<br />
• “We had all <strong>the</strong>se plans, but you<br />
died instead.”<br />
Grief also happens in those spaces<br />
between what we thought we knew<br />
and what’s proving to be true. When<br />
instead of paying for your child’s tuiti<strong>on</strong>,<br />
you’re swiping your Mastercard<br />
to pay for his burial.<br />
Before I became <strong>the</strong> fa<strong>the</strong>r of a<br />
lost s<strong>on</strong>, I thought I was an expert<br />
observer of o<strong>the</strong>r people’s troubles.<br />
But as a grieving fa<strong>the</strong>r, I was forced<br />
to turn my eyes inward and strive<br />
to understand what was happening<br />
to me. I had to focus <strong>on</strong> finding<br />
my own way ahead and leading my<br />
family forward in <strong>the</strong> darkness into<br />
which grief had plunged us.<br />
A miracle<br />
As time passed, Scarlett grew, and<br />
<strong>the</strong> acuity of losing Mitch faded just<br />
enough that we could brea<strong>the</strong> again.<br />
And a miracle happened: A tiny,<br />
22<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23
FAITH & INSPIRATION / WOUNDED HEARTS<br />
new from<br />
Adventures in Odyssey<br />
almost imperceptible space formed<br />
between Mitch and Scarlett.<br />
It became possible, in fleeting<br />
moments, to see her apart from him.<br />
To feel <strong>the</strong> pure joy of her smile and<br />
her laugh. To absorb her love and<br />
give her ours.<br />
When Scarlett was about 2 years<br />
old, she was having anxiety every<br />
night around bedtime. This wasn’t<br />
surprising, since she came into this<br />
world at a time when all <strong>the</strong> people<br />
around her were enveloped in<br />
tragedy, pain and loss. So, she had<br />
perhaps a more realistic welcome<br />
into life than most infants do: We’re<br />
so glad you’re here, but life’s really<br />
hard.<br />
Caity and Nate said prayers with<br />
her every night, lying in <strong>the</strong> darkness<br />
with her, comforting her. Caity<br />
had taken to recording <strong>the</strong> precious<br />
things Scarlett said during those<br />
prayer times. But <strong>on</strong>e voice memo<br />
she sent changed everything for me.<br />
Nate found that Scarlett liked<br />
to be reminded of how loved she<br />
was. So <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> recording, we heard<br />
his list: “Mommy loves you. Daddy<br />
loves you. God loves you. Jesus loves<br />
you.” And <strong>the</strong>n, in a quiet, almost<br />
angelic toddler voice, Scarlett said,<br />
“And Mitch loves you.” There was a<br />
l<strong>on</strong>g pause. Then Nate replied, “Yes.<br />
Mitch loves you, Scarlett.” Scarlett<br />
never met her uncle Mitch, but in<br />
<strong>the</strong> darkness, with all <strong>the</strong> uncertainty<br />
and doubt her little 2-year-old heart<br />
was grappling with, somehow she<br />
found some light in knowing that<br />
Mitch loved her.<br />
No more “buts”<br />
Looking back <strong>on</strong> those days, it’s<br />
interesting to see <strong>the</strong> metaphor. As a<br />
family of deep religious faith, we had<br />
a death and a burial, and three days<br />
later we had a resurrecti<strong>on</strong> of sorts.<br />
Scarlett burst forth out of our grief,<br />
and although it took time for us to<br />
see it, she would deliver <strong>the</strong> ability to<br />
turn <strong>the</strong> “buts” into “ands” again:<br />
• We had lost a s<strong>on</strong>, and we had a<br />
granddaughter.<br />
• We were hopelessly grieved, and<br />
we had inexpressible joy.<br />
• We had doubt that God loved<br />
us, and we had faith in His grace<br />
every time we held Scarlett.<br />
When we lose <strong>the</strong> things we<br />
think we know, faith can crumble<br />
under <strong>the</strong> weight of doubt, loss<br />
and pain. When all we can see are<br />
<strong>the</strong> “buts” tying any possible good<br />
to all we’ve lost, <strong>the</strong> darkness seems<br />
impenetrable.<br />
But what I’ve learned in <strong>the</strong> six<br />
years since we lost Mitch is this: It<br />
is possible to find your feet again. It<br />
is possible to see light again in <strong>the</strong><br />
laughter of a baby or <strong>the</strong> glory of a<br />
sunrise or <strong>the</strong> touch of a loved <strong>on</strong>e’s<br />
hand. It is possible . . . because of<br />
“and.”<br />
“And Mitch loves you.” Scarlett gave<br />
us <strong>the</strong> “and” we needed.<br />
Whatever life brings you, I can<br />
promise that I’ve seen enough<br />
trauma and tumors and war and all<br />
<strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r hard things people face in<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir lives, that those who survive and<br />
manage to hold <strong>on</strong> to or find <strong>the</strong> faith<br />
to keep going have this <strong>on</strong>e thing in<br />
comm<strong>on</strong>: They find <strong>the</strong> “and.”<br />
• You lost your spouse, and you<br />
had a w<strong>on</strong>derful life toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
• Your doctor gave you bad news,<br />
and <strong>the</strong>re’s a very promising clinical<br />
trial at <strong>the</strong> cancer treatment<br />
hospital.<br />
• You’re going through this hard<br />
thing, and you’ve got incredible<br />
support from lots of people who<br />
love you.<br />
Scarlett is 6 now. She’s perfect and<br />
precocious, and she calls me Pop.<br />
Not l<strong>on</strong>g ago, she asked me to tell<br />
her about Uncle Mitch. And I did.<br />
She smiled when I told her how<br />
funny he was, how smart and kind<br />
and loving.<br />
She asked me if he was in heaven,<br />
and I said yes.<br />
Then she hugged me and gave<br />
me a kiss and fell asleep in my lap<br />
right after I said, “Pop loves you, and<br />
Mitch loves you.” •<br />
W. Lee Warren is a neurosurge<strong>on</strong> and combat<br />
veteran. His most recent book is I’ve Seen<br />
<strong>the</strong> End of You: A neurosurge<strong>on</strong>’s look at faith,<br />
doubt, and <strong>the</strong> things we think we know.<br />
© ROBERT KOHLHUBER / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
Adventures in Odyssey #70:<br />
Finding a Way<br />
Every<strong>on</strong>e’s a suspect in Odyssey! C<strong>on</strong>nie’s<br />
car is stolen, but who could be <strong>the</strong> culprit?<br />
Emily’s busy solving her own mystery:<br />
she’s been falsely accused of a crime too!<br />
Meanwhile, Wyatt pulled a crazy stunt that<br />
sent him to hospital – but why? Uncover<br />
<strong>the</strong> truth amid less<strong>on</strong>s about fear, true<br />
heroism and new beginnings in six all-new<br />
stories from Odyssey. Ages 8+<br />
Order today at Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
or call 1.800.661.9800<br />
Looking for more faith-building fun?<br />
Sign your kids up for <strong>the</strong> Adventures in Odyssey Club!<br />
For just $9.99 US per m<strong>on</strong>th kids get <strong>on</strong>line access to:<br />
• over 900 Adventures in Odyssey episodes<br />
• daily devoti<strong>on</strong>s<br />
• exclusive, members-<strong>on</strong>ly stories<br />
• m<strong>on</strong>thly documentaries and more!<br />
24<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
Sign kids up today at AIOClub.org
explore<br />
<strong>the</strong> bible<br />
like never<br />
before<br />
familiar bible passages have richer<br />
meaning than you ever imagined!<br />
Join historian Ray Vander Laan <strong>on</strong> a tour of<br />
biblical sites in <strong>the</strong> Middle East and be astounded<br />
by what you learn at each locati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Through <strong>the</strong> DVD-based study series That <strong>the</strong><br />
World <strong>May</strong> Know, you’ll visit <strong>the</strong> landscapes<br />
Jesus and <strong>the</strong> apostles walked, and hear<br />
fascinating details from history, archaeology and<br />
ancient cultures that bring new depth to your<br />
understanding of Scripture.<br />
From an ancient land, you’ll learn startling new<br />
less<strong>on</strong>s for your life today!<br />
Discover<br />
<strong>the</strong> whole<br />
16-DVD<br />
series!<br />
Order <strong>on</strong>line at Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/ThatTheWorld<br />
or call 1.800.661.9800<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
BRINGING THE<br />
GOSPEL TO LIFE<br />
Revisit Dallas Jenkins’ “The Chosen” TV<br />
series through a new novel by bestselling<br />
author Jerry B. Jenkins<br />
BY BRITTANY RAYMER<br />
WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE<br />
to live in Jesus’ time? To actually<br />
meet Him and interact with <strong>the</strong><br />
apostles? How would that experience<br />
shape your feelings about<br />
Scripture and <strong>the</strong> power of <strong>the</strong><br />
Gospel? <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> wants<br />
to help readers answer some of <strong>the</strong>se<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s with <strong>the</strong> release of <strong>the</strong><br />
first book in a new series titled “The<br />
Chosen.”<br />
If this title sounds familiar, it’s<br />
because <strong>the</strong> book project expands<br />
<strong>on</strong> a successful televisi<strong>on</strong> show by<br />
<strong>the</strong> same name, created by Dallas<br />
Jenkins, <strong>the</strong> s<strong>on</strong> of bestselling author<br />
Jerry B. Jenkins, who is authoring<br />
<strong>the</strong> book series. Similar to <strong>the</strong> TV<br />
series, Jerry takes readers back to <strong>the</strong><br />
first century, to <strong>the</strong> land of ancient<br />
Israel, to experience <strong>the</strong> life of Jesus<br />
through <strong>the</strong> eyes of <strong>the</strong> men and<br />
women who knew Him best. Some<br />
of <strong>the</strong> main characters include Mary<br />
NEW BOOK SERIES / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
Magdalene, initially introduced<br />
as Lilith; Nicodemus, a leading<br />
Pharisee of <strong>the</strong> Jerusalem Sanhedrin;<br />
Mat<strong>the</strong>w, a tax collector and eventual<br />
disciple; and Sim<strong>on</strong>, <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong><br />
apostles.<br />
Called by name<br />
The first book, I Have Called You<br />
by Name, is a novelizati<strong>on</strong> of seas<strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>on</strong>e of “The Chosen” televisi<strong>on</strong><br />
series. Jesus meets several different<br />
people al<strong>on</strong>g His earthly journey. In<br />
additi<strong>on</strong> to familiar Bible characters,<br />
<strong>the</strong> series introduced a few ficti<strong>on</strong>al<br />
characters, including Shim<strong>on</strong>, who<br />
tended sheep <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> night of Jesus’<br />
birth, and Abigail, a young girl who<br />
befriended <strong>the</strong> Savior before He<br />
begins His ministry. Abigail and<br />
her friends pepper Jesus with various<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s, which He dutifully<br />
and gently answers, making each<br />
resp<strong>on</strong>se an opportunity to teach<br />
<strong>the</strong>m more about His Fa<strong>the</strong>r. >>><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27
FAITH & INSPIRATION / NEW BOOK SERIES<br />
NEW BOOK SERIES / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
“Our goal is to see people dig into<br />
<strong>the</strong> Scriptures for <strong>the</strong>mselves,” Jerry<br />
says. “But nei<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong> TV series nor<br />
<strong>the</strong> novels should substitute for <strong>the</strong><br />
Word of God.”<br />
Both <strong>the</strong> TV series and Jerry’s book<br />
project draw from existing passages<br />
of <strong>the</strong> Gospels, bringing stories in<br />
<strong>the</strong> Bible to life in new and unique<br />
ways. This required some imaginati<strong>on</strong>,<br />
Jerry says, “But each decisi<strong>on</strong><br />
was based <strong>on</strong> a story directly from<br />
<strong>the</strong> Bible.”<br />
A family project<br />
To do this effectively, Jerry had to<br />
understand <strong>the</strong> culture of <strong>the</strong> Holy<br />
Land, <strong>the</strong> way people interacted<br />
during ancient times, <strong>the</strong>ir customs,<br />
and, of course, <strong>the</strong> geography surrounding<br />
each story. Fortunately, he<br />
didn’t have to start from ground zero.<br />
“I have studied <strong>the</strong> manners and<br />
customs and geographical logistics<br />
of <strong>the</strong> Holy Land for many years for<br />
some of my o<strong>the</strong>r novels,” he says.<br />
“The Chosen” is in many ways a<br />
NEW FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
I HAVE CALLED YOU BY NAME<br />
BY JERRY B. JENKINS<br />
This exciting book helps bring<br />
<strong>the</strong> Bible to life!<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Store<br />
family project. The popular televisi<strong>on</strong><br />
series was created by his s<strong>on</strong><br />
Dallas and a team of co-writers. His<br />
team had already selected <strong>the</strong> framing<br />
of <strong>the</strong> scenes to best tell each<br />
story.<br />
“I had <strong>the</strong> easy part,” says Jerry,<br />
“because Dallas and his co-writers<br />
had already made those choices<br />
[regarding which characters to<br />
focus <strong>on</strong>].” As Jerry wrote, he says<br />
his respect grew for his s<strong>on</strong> and <strong>the</strong><br />
show’s creative team.<br />
“It’s a privilege to work with <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
creati<strong>on</strong> and make it work as novels.”<br />
Still, Jerry had to dig into each and<br />
every scene as he researched his part<br />
of <strong>the</strong> project. “In writing <strong>the</strong> novel,<br />
I probably watched each episode 22<br />
times.” Fortunately, he never grew<br />
tired of watching, and he c<strong>on</strong>tinued<br />
to learn more each time he viewed<br />
an episode.<br />
Picturing <strong>the</strong> people<br />
One of Jerry’s goals was to imagine<br />
how Jesus might have interacted<br />
with children and o<strong>the</strong>rs in His day<br />
so that he could help readers picture<br />
not <strong>on</strong>ly <strong>the</strong> settings but also<br />
<strong>the</strong> emoti<strong>on</strong>s, tensi<strong>on</strong>s and smiles<br />
that passed between people. The<br />
book engages and encourages readers<br />
to c<strong>on</strong>sider <strong>the</strong> Scriptures in a<br />
new light, while at <strong>the</strong> same time, he<br />
doesn’t compromise biblical truths.<br />
Jerry says his hope is that this<br />
series will prompt people to do<br />
something simple: open a Bible.<br />
VIDANGEL STUDIOS<br />
In <strong>the</strong> 21st century, <strong>the</strong> Bible has<br />
never been more readily available,<br />
from our ph<strong>on</strong>es and tablets to <strong>the</strong><br />
printed page. Yet <strong>the</strong> vast majority of<br />
<strong>the</strong> North American public remains<br />
biblically illiterate.<br />
According to a 2019 study completed<br />
by LifeWay Research, <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
about 32% of all Protestant churchgoers<br />
open <strong>the</strong> Bible every day.<br />
That figure is slightly higher am<strong>on</strong>g<br />
evangelical Protestants, at 36%.<br />
“Having served for many years <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> boards of Moody Bible Institute<br />
The TV series<br />
Debuting in 2019, “The Chosen” was <strong>the</strong> first<br />
multi-episode televisi<strong>on</strong> program to focus <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
life of Jesus Christ as experienced by <strong>the</strong> men and<br />
women who knew Him. It was <strong>the</strong> largest crowdfunded<br />
producti<strong>on</strong> at <strong>the</strong> time, with more than<br />
19,000 people d<strong>on</strong>ating. Since its release, <strong>the</strong> series<br />
has been translated into more than 50 languages.<br />
“Thousands of people have shared with us that <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
lives have dramatically changed as a result of watching<br />
‘The Chosen,’ ” says series creator Dallas Jenkins.<br />
His hope is that audiences will not <strong>on</strong>ly be able to<br />
relate to <strong>the</strong> characters who encounter <strong>the</strong> S<strong>on</strong> of<br />
God but also be drawn deeper into each Bible story.<br />
Through <strong>the</strong> series, Dallas discovered that even he<br />
has become more focused <strong>on</strong> his relati<strong>on</strong>ship with<br />
Jesus. He says, “I love <strong>the</strong>ology, debate and spiritual<br />
philosophy, but ultimately, by focusing <strong>on</strong> Jesus and<br />
His message, I’ve seen a change in my heart and in<br />
my approach to life.” He finds his priorities are different<br />
now. His career is focused <strong>on</strong> telling au<strong>the</strong>ntic<br />
stories about Jesus.<br />
The sec<strong>on</strong>d seas<strong>on</strong> of “The Chosen” is scheduled to<br />
debut this spring.<br />
and Colorado Christian University,<br />
I have been alarmed to see that<br />
decline,” Jerry says. A previous study<br />
had more churchgoers and evangelicals<br />
opening <strong>the</strong>ir Bibles. “So, yes,<br />
our hope is to see an enthusiastic<br />
return to biblical scholarship <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
part of laypeople.”<br />
Jerry has written nearly 200 books<br />
that have sold more than 71 milli<strong>on</strong><br />
copies combined, a total that<br />
includes <strong>the</strong> “Left Behind” series<br />
he co-wrote with Tim LaHaye. Jerry<br />
has spent his whole life writing to a<br />
—BR<br />
Christian audience.<br />
This new series, though, has<br />
helped him. He says, “No l<strong>on</strong>ger do<br />
I try to imagine what <strong>the</strong>se people<br />
from <strong>the</strong> New Testament looked like.<br />
“For too many decades, my imaginati<strong>on</strong><br />
was clouded with images<br />
of ancient paintings of such heroes<br />
and heroines and saints. It was hard<br />
to view <strong>the</strong>m as real people. The TV<br />
series offers that, and I’ve tried to<br />
capture it in <strong>the</strong> novel.” •<br />
Brittany Raymer is an issues analyst for <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g><br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>.<br />
28<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong>
Immerse yourself<br />
Kids & Teens<br />
in THE STORY of stories…<br />
The Chosen: I Have Called You by<br />
Name imagines <strong>the</strong> backstories<br />
of <strong>the</strong> early followers of Christ<br />
and how <strong>the</strong>ir lives were<br />
transformed when <strong>the</strong>y met<br />
<strong>the</strong> l<strong>on</strong>g-awaited Messiah.<br />
Written by bestselling author<br />
Jerry B. Jenkins, The Chosen<br />
plunges you into first century<br />
Galilee and gives you more<br />
colour and detail from <strong>the</strong> hit<br />
video series beloved by milli<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
Follow in <strong>the</strong> footsteps of Jesus<br />
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE AMES FAMILY<br />
Rob, Hope, Amy and Lily Ames<br />
our choice<br />
to love<br />
A parenting tip<br />
from Rob and<br />
Amy Ames<br />
Kids who enter our home through<br />
foster care are full citizens in our<br />
household and are c<strong>on</strong>sidered members<br />
of our family. Our two children<br />
through adopti<strong>on</strong> have come to<br />
understand how <strong>the</strong> forever of <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
adopti<strong>on</strong> can coexist with <strong>the</strong> very<br />
different experiences of <strong>the</strong>ir siblings<br />
through foster care. These<br />
children, brought to our home for<br />
<strong>on</strong>ly a time, are engraved into <strong>the</strong><br />
forever of our memories and prayers.<br />
We choose to share, and we choose<br />
to love despite knowing that those<br />
placed in our home can be taken<br />
away at any time. Our placements,<br />
fortunately, have been few in number<br />
and l<strong>on</strong>g in durati<strong>on</strong>. O<strong>the</strong>rwise, we<br />
wouldn’t expect or ask <strong>the</strong> emoti<strong>on</strong>al<br />
investment of our kids. •<br />
Amy Ames leads a comprehensive churchbased,<br />
foster and adopti<strong>on</strong> ministry that serves<br />
families in <strong>the</strong> greater Kansas City, Kansas, area.<br />
order <strong>on</strong>line at shop.focus<strong>on</strong><strong>the</strong>family.ca or call 1.800.661.9800<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31
KIDS & TEENS / ADOPTION<br />
saying yes<br />
to Gods nudge<br />
'<br />
We thought adopting children with Down<br />
syndrome would be a burden, but it was<br />
<strong>on</strong>e of our greatest blessings<br />
BY HEATHER AVIS<br />
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Find out more about Hea<strong>the</strong>r Avis’<br />
journey in adopting and parenting<br />
children with Down syndrome.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio<br />
For raising<br />
children<br />
ages 9-12<br />
32<br />
THE FIRST QUESTION<br />
MOST PEOPLE ASK when<br />
<strong>the</strong>y hear that my husband, Josh,<br />
and I adopted two children with<br />
Down syndrome is “Why would<br />
you adopt kids with such difficult<br />
challenges?”<br />
We d<strong>on</strong>’t have a saintly answer to<br />
give. The truth is when we learned<br />
we couldn’t have children biologically,<br />
we decided to pursue adopti<strong>on</strong>.<br />
When a girl with Down syndrome<br />
became available, we said no.<br />
The opportunity c<strong>on</strong>tinued to<br />
present itself, but <strong>the</strong> thought of<br />
adopting her terrified us. And we<br />
w<strong>on</strong>dered why any<strong>on</strong>e would take<br />
<strong>on</strong> all those developmental delays<br />
and health challenges.<br />
Then <strong>on</strong>e day I felt as though God<br />
was giving me a visi<strong>on</strong>. In it He was<br />
presenting me with a beautifully<br />
wrapped package. I unwrapped it<br />
and said, “This isn’t what I wanted.”<br />
After sharing <strong>the</strong> visi<strong>on</strong> with Josh,<br />
we decided to adopt this girl. It<br />
was <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong> scariest and best yes<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
decisi<strong>on</strong>s we’ve made.<br />
Today our family includes three<br />
beautiful children who have been<br />
adopted. Two have Down syndrome.<br />
And we wouldn’t have it any o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
way. Here are some less<strong>on</strong>s we’ve<br />
learned, which I hope will help as<br />
you c<strong>on</strong>sider adopting a child with<br />
Down syndrome.<br />
Not a cultural “normal”<br />
As Josh and I prepared for parenthood,<br />
I read and studied everything<br />
I could get my hands <strong>on</strong>. And I had<br />
to adjust my parenting mentality,<br />
especially in <strong>the</strong> comparis<strong>on</strong><br />
department.<br />
Most babies will begin walking<br />
sometime between 9 and 15 m<strong>on</strong>ths.<br />
Macyn didn’t walk until she was 3.<br />
I had to put <strong>the</strong> books away and stop<br />
comparing her to her peers. I even<br />
had to do <strong>the</strong> same in <strong>the</strong> Down syndrome<br />
community.<br />
I would see ano<strong>the</strong>r child with<br />
Down syndrome who was doing<br />
something Macyn wasn’t doing, and<br />
I’d think, How do I fix my kid? How<br />
do I make my kid more like this kid?<br />
When I gave in to comparis<strong>on</strong>s, I<br />
lost my joy over who Macyn is as a<br />
gift from God. I had forgotten that<br />
every pers<strong>on</strong> is uniquely made in His<br />
image and for His purposes.<br />
When I’m tempted to compare,<br />
I now look at Macyn and say, “She’s<br />
amazing exactly as she is—not if she<br />
walks earlier, not if she’s able to read<br />
at a higher level, not if she’s able to<br />
run as fast as ano<strong>the</strong>r kid. Who she is<br />
as she is right now is incredible.”<br />
Who she is<br />
Macyn loves to dance. She was dancing<br />
before she started walking. When<br />
music came <strong>on</strong>, she would start<br />
swaying from side to side. When she<br />
was 8, Josh and I put her in a hiphop<br />
class—<strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>ly child enrolled<br />
with a disability. She loved it.<br />
In class, Macyn had her own<br />
style. And because she was able to<br />
be herself and was not forced to fit<br />
in with o<strong>the</strong>r people’s expectati<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
PHOTO COURTESY OF HEATHER AVIS<br />
she blossomed. We prayed that <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r dancers<br />
would be able to experience God and see His<br />
image through her.<br />
They embraced her. Her life changed, and <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
lives changed. All because Macyn was fully who<br />
she is.<br />
Our growth as parents<br />
I had my hands full with two children when <strong>the</strong><br />
opportunity came for us to adopt ano<strong>the</strong>r baby<br />
with Down syndrome. We immediately said<br />
yes. We got to go to <strong>the</strong> hospital <strong>the</strong> day our s<strong>on</strong>,<br />
August, was born, and he came home <strong>the</strong> next day.<br />
Having two children with Down syndrome was<br />
a scary step. Some days it felt as though I were lifting<br />
my foot up, not knowing where it would fall.<br />
But it’s been a good decisi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Is it messy? Of course. Is it hard? Yes. But in<br />
our willingness to take steps into those hard<br />
and messy spaces, we get to know God in all His<br />
goodness. For Josh and me, our understanding<br />
of humanity, our understanding of God and our<br />
understanding of His love for humanity have<br />
changed drastically because we get to live with<br />
our kids. •<br />
Hea<strong>the</strong>r Avis is a speaker and <strong>the</strong> author of The Lucky Few and<br />
Scoot Over and Make Some Room.<br />
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or call 1.800.661.9800<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33
KIDS & TEENS / LOVE<br />
LOVE / KIDS & TEENS<br />
<strong>the</strong><br />
senses of<br />
c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
c<strong>on</strong>nect through<br />
sight<br />
RECENTLY, Angie and I surprised <strong>the</strong> kids with a<br />
trip to <strong>the</strong> beach and dinner, followed by way too<br />
much ice cream. As most parents do, we captured<br />
many special memories using our smartph<strong>on</strong>e<br />
cameras. But <strong>the</strong>n we ordered copies of our favorite<br />
pictures, bought inexpensive albums, added<br />
each child’s name to an album and presented it to<br />
that child. As time went by, <strong>the</strong> kids returned again<br />
and again to those albums.<br />
Pictures have a w<strong>on</strong>derful way of c<strong>on</strong>necting<br />
us to family and reminding us of our significance.<br />
Many of us take photos <strong>on</strong> our ph<strong>on</strong>es, but <strong>the</strong>n<br />
those shots stay in our digital galleries, never to<br />
be enjoyed in a tangible way. Children need those<br />
simple visual reminders that Mom and Dad love<br />
<strong>the</strong>m and that <strong>the</strong>y bel<strong>on</strong>g and are special.<br />
D<strong>on</strong>’t wait for big events. Capture <strong>the</strong> everyday,<br />
mundane occurrences, print <strong>the</strong> photos and drop<br />
<strong>the</strong>m into an album. On those days when your<br />
kids are having rough emoti<strong>on</strong>al moments, pull<br />
out <strong>the</strong> album and remember <strong>the</strong> good experiences<br />
<strong>the</strong>y’ve had with you.<br />
Creating sensory experiences to streng<strong>the</strong>n<br />
your relati<strong>on</strong>ship with your kids<br />
BY TED STACKPOLE / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA<br />
I WILL NEVER FORGET <strong>the</strong> night my wife,<br />
Angie, and I welcomed siblings from <strong>the</strong> foster care<br />
system into our home. We’d been fostering for six<br />
years, and though we already had eight children—<br />
both fosters and ours—we gladly welcomed <strong>the</strong><br />
11-year-old girl and her 6-year-old bro<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Angie was busy getting <strong>the</strong> 11-year-old settled in<br />
and helping our children get ready for bed. I sat in<br />
<strong>the</strong> living room with <strong>the</strong> 6-year-old. At <strong>on</strong>e point,<br />
he laid his head <strong>on</strong> my lap, looked up at me with<br />
deep-brown eyes and said, “I love you, Daddy.”<br />
I was surprised but somehow understood where<br />
this impromptu declarati<strong>on</strong> of love was coming<br />
from. He knew I wasn’t his daddy, and I wouldn’t<br />
want him to c<strong>on</strong>tinue addressing me that way<br />
because that wasn’t my role in his life. But in that<br />
moment, he needed some<strong>on</strong>e to represent security,<br />
stability, provisi<strong>on</strong> and protecti<strong>on</strong>. He desperately<br />
needed <strong>the</strong> things that, as parents, we often take for<br />
granted. He was expressing his desire to c<strong>on</strong>nect<br />
with me <strong>on</strong> a deeper, more pers<strong>on</strong>al level.<br />
As a foster parent, I would have this child <strong>on</strong>ly a<br />
brief time—between six and 18 m<strong>on</strong>ths—before<br />
he returned to his family or was adopted. Angie<br />
and I understood that although we couldn’t c<strong>on</strong>trol<br />
<strong>the</strong> amount of time we had with <strong>the</strong>se children,<br />
<strong>the</strong> most important factor was what we did with<br />
<strong>the</strong> time we had. That is true in <strong>the</strong> relati<strong>on</strong>ships<br />
we have with all <strong>the</strong> children in our home, because<br />
time with <strong>the</strong>m is not a guarantee.<br />
As parents of now 11 children—six adopted<br />
through foster care—and having been <strong>the</strong> foster<br />
parents of more than 18 kids, we’ve learned<br />
that <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong> best ways we can intenti<strong>on</strong>ally create<br />
closer b<strong>on</strong>ds with <strong>the</strong>se children is through <strong>the</strong><br />
power of our five senses.<br />
IN OUR WORK training churches in <strong>the</strong> foster<br />
care ministry, Angie and I talk about how children<br />
in foster care who experience an absence of affecti<strong>on</strong>ate<br />
touch might have higher levels of stress or<br />
detach from caregivers. But that’s true of all children.<br />
They need positive, gentle touches from<br />
us—such as brushing a child’s hair, offering a hug<br />
or a back rub, or even just squeezing a shoulder in<br />
passing. These casual touches not <strong>on</strong>ly help kids<br />
grow into more balanced, healthy individuals, but<br />
<strong>the</strong>y also help <strong>the</strong>m attach more securely to us.<br />
My wife and I use positive touch in our nighttime<br />
routines so no <strong>on</strong>e is forgotten—hugs, kisses,<br />
back rubs. Our 4-year-old always requests Mom<br />
to tuck her in. So every night Angie touches each<br />
facial feature and tells it good night. “Good night,<br />
ear. Good night, o<strong>the</strong>r ear. . . .” She ends with,<br />
“Good night, nose,” a good-night kiss and a goodnight<br />
prayer. If Angie goes out of order or forgets a<br />
feature, our daughter insists <strong>the</strong>y start over.<br />
It’s important to show our children <strong>the</strong>y’re<br />
loved through healthy touch. Feeling <strong>the</strong> comfort<br />
of our touch also reminds <strong>the</strong>m that our almighty,<br />
loving and grace-giving Fa<strong>the</strong>r loves <strong>the</strong>m and<br />
notices <strong>the</strong>m. >>><br />
c<strong>on</strong>nect through<br />
touch<br />
34<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong>
KIDS & TEENS / LOVE<br />
LOVE / KIDS & TEENS<br />
ONE DAY I was plucking away at our piano and<br />
wrote a s<strong>on</strong>g while thinking about a toddler we<br />
had adopted: “With a name like Penelope, who<br />
could ever be mad at me? I d<strong>on</strong>’t know! Sometimes<br />
she laughs and sometimes she cries, sometimes<br />
she jumps up really high. But with a name like<br />
Penelope, who could ever be mad at me? I d<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
know.” She loved it—and all our children wanted<br />
me to write a s<strong>on</strong>g about <strong>the</strong>m. Just hearing <strong>the</strong><br />
tune and <strong>the</strong> words filled <strong>the</strong>m with delight.<br />
We all know <strong>the</strong> importance of telling our children<br />
we love and value <strong>the</strong>m. We also know how<br />
important it is to read aloud to <strong>the</strong>m, ask about<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir lives and listen to what <strong>the</strong>y say. In additi<strong>on</strong>,<br />
music can build powerful b<strong>on</strong>ds with people or<br />
even evoke memories of a particular time or place<br />
in our lives. God uses music to show us how much<br />
He loves us: “He will exult over you with loud singing”<br />
(Zephaniah 3:17).<br />
You may not be musically inclined, but s<strong>on</strong>gs<br />
you sing in church, in <strong>the</strong> car and in your home all<br />
make str<strong>on</strong>g c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>s in <strong>the</strong> family. And those<br />
c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>s go even deeper as we sing about<br />
Jesus and His love for us. Even putting Scripture to<br />
music can infuse our children with <strong>the</strong> message of<br />
how valued <strong>the</strong>y are. They will carry <strong>the</strong>se childhood<br />
s<strong>on</strong>gs into adulthood and c<strong>on</strong>nect <strong>the</strong>m to a<br />
time, place, people and <strong>the</strong> love of God.<br />
c<strong>on</strong>nect through<br />
taste<br />
c<strong>on</strong>nect through<br />
sound<br />
THREE OF our children wanted to cook a meal<br />
from start to finish by <strong>the</strong>mselves. Angie and I<br />
thought <strong>the</strong>y would pick something easy and<br />
familiar. Instead, <strong>the</strong>y picked something our family<br />
had never cooked—curried chicken and rice.<br />
That was <strong>the</strong> favorite meal our daughter enjoyed<br />
with her family before she joined our foster home.<br />
Most of us can think back to our childhoods and<br />
remember that special meal or dish some<strong>on</strong>e made<br />
for us. For our daughter, that curried chicken and<br />
rice dish not <strong>on</strong>ly tasted delicious, but it also c<strong>on</strong>nected<br />
her to a memory and a relati<strong>on</strong>ship with her<br />
biological family. We wanted that same experience<br />
for our kids.<br />
Dinner that night made Angie and me think differently<br />
about <strong>the</strong> way we cook. When we provide<br />
good, nutritious meals to our children, we give<br />
<strong>the</strong>m joy through taste, but we also give <strong>the</strong>m a<br />
memory, a c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong> to us. After that experience,<br />
we became more intenti<strong>on</strong>al about building food<br />
traditi<strong>on</strong>s and enjoying <strong>the</strong> times we eat toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
God also uses taste in our relati<strong>on</strong>ship with Him.<br />
His Word tells us, “Taste and see that <strong>the</strong> Lord is<br />
good!” (Psalm 34:8). That’s <strong>the</strong> relati<strong>on</strong>al experience<br />
we want our children to take with <strong>the</strong>m as<br />
<strong>the</strong>y leave our family and start <strong>the</strong>ir own lives.<br />
“DADDY, you smell good,” <strong>on</strong>e of my kids told me.<br />
As children have come through our home, <strong>the</strong>y are<br />
attracted to <strong>the</strong> perfumes and colognes we have<br />
in our bathroom. Angie and I pray that whenever<br />
our foster children smell a perfume or cologne—or<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r aromas—it will remind <strong>the</strong>m of <strong>the</strong>ir c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
to our family.<br />
The children we care for have all had our “scent”<br />
rubbed off <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>m both physically and spiritually<br />
(2 Corinthians 2:15). In additi<strong>on</strong> to <strong>the</strong> physical<br />
aromas, our children receive spiritual scents.<br />
Learning to give thanks for <strong>the</strong>ir food at <strong>the</strong> table<br />
and quoting Scripture <strong>the</strong>y have committed to<br />
memory are spiritual scents that also will be part<br />
of <strong>the</strong>m as <strong>the</strong>y grow.<br />
Smell has <strong>the</strong> power to c<strong>on</strong>nect us to a memory.<br />
It’s often in <strong>the</strong> everyday activities that we do with<br />
children—such as playing toge<strong>the</strong>r <strong>on</strong> a fresh-cut<br />
lawn—that memories are built and sensory experiences<br />
are created in our relati<strong>on</strong>ships.<br />
Welcoming foster children into our home has<br />
caused Angie and me to work harder at building<br />
c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong> with our kids and showing <strong>the</strong>m<br />
<strong>the</strong>y have value in God’s eyes. We want all our children—those<br />
still in <strong>the</strong> foster care system, those<br />
we’ve foster-adopted and our biological kids—to<br />
know how much we love and treasure <strong>the</strong>m and<br />
how much <strong>the</strong>ir heavenly Fa<strong>the</strong>r does as well.<br />
That’s why we intenti<strong>on</strong>ally use sensory experiences<br />
to let <strong>the</strong>m know we care. •<br />
Ted Stackpole and his wife, Angie, work with churches to train<br />
people in foster care ministry.<br />
STOP. THINK.<br />
BE SENSITIVE.<br />
c<strong>on</strong>nect through<br />
smell<br />
Any of <strong>the</strong> five senses can generate powerful resp<strong>on</strong>ses—positive<br />
or negative—in children within foster care, causing <strong>the</strong>m to<br />
have difficulty managing <strong>the</strong>ir emoti<strong>on</strong>s. Be especially careful with<br />
smells, physical touch of any kind and anything that goes into <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
mouths (including food), as <strong>the</strong>se can be emoti<strong>on</strong>al triggers.<br />
C<strong>on</strong>nect with children <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir terms; not yours. Always give <strong>the</strong>m<br />
<strong>the</strong> opti<strong>on</strong> to refuse c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong> and never force it. When <strong>the</strong>y<br />
refuse, d<strong>on</strong>’t take it pers<strong>on</strong>ally.<br />
A sensory-processing assessment by a trained occupati<strong>on</strong>al <strong>the</strong>rapist<br />
may help you understand how your child from foster care<br />
processes sensory stimuli.<br />
36<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37
KIDS & TEENS / FOSTER CARE ADOPTION<br />
FOSTER CARE ADOPTION / KIDS & TEENS<br />
Lorie and Natalie celebrating her adopti<strong>on</strong><br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada<br />
helps foster and adoptive<br />
families through our Waiting to<br />
Bel<strong>on</strong>g program. Learn more by<br />
visiting WaitingToBel<strong>on</strong>g.ca.<br />
dreaming of mo<strong>the</strong>rhood<br />
Lorie had given up <strong>on</strong> her desire to be a<br />
parent, but that was before she met Natalie<br />
BY THOMAS JEFFRIES<br />
SHE’S THE KIND OF<br />
WOMAN WHO LOVES<br />
INTENSELY. The kind of pers<strong>on</strong><br />
who doesn’t need a lot of friends,<br />
yet b<strong>on</strong>ds deeply with every single<br />
<strong>on</strong>e. She cries when saying goodbye<br />
to visiting relatives, even those<br />
who live nearby. As for children, you<br />
d<strong>on</strong>’t spend three decades as an<br />
elementary-school teacher if you<br />
d<strong>on</strong>’t have at least a soft spot for little<br />
<strong>on</strong>es.<br />
Yes, Lorie loves children, but<br />
she never had any of her own. She<br />
always dreamed of being a mo<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
of getting married and raising<br />
kids, but <strong>the</strong> married part never<br />
happened.<br />
“Since I couldn’t have a biological<br />
child, I thought I would adopt,”<br />
Lorie says. “When I wasn’t matched<br />
with a child to adopt, I became<br />
depressed. I questi<strong>on</strong>ed why God<br />
wouldn’t let my dreams come true.”<br />
As for foster care, she had heard<br />
<strong>the</strong> stories. She knew about <strong>the</strong><br />
Natalie and Lorie<br />
heartache that lingers when a child<br />
leaves.<br />
“If I wept when I left family I would<br />
see again in a few m<strong>on</strong>ths,” she says,<br />
“how could I handle loving and nurturing<br />
a child, <strong>on</strong>ly to let him or her<br />
go forever?”<br />
So Lorie gave up her dream of<br />
mo<strong>the</strong>rhood.<br />
A willing heart<br />
Then Lorie heard about an event <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> radio—an opportunity to assist<br />
PHOTOS COURTESY OF LORIE<br />
vulnerable kids in <strong>the</strong> foster care<br />
system, to help <strong>the</strong>m find safe and<br />
loving homes. The event, called Wait<br />
No More, was sp<strong>on</strong>sored by <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g><br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>, and it was coming to<br />
her city.<br />
Once <strong>the</strong>re, she listened to adults<br />
who fostered and had been fostered<br />
as children. She heard about God’s<br />
great love for children in need of<br />
willing families. She learned about<br />
<strong>the</strong> challenges of fostering, and <strong>the</strong><br />
blessings.<br />
The more she heard, <strong>the</strong> more<br />
interested Lorie became. That’s<br />
when all her excuses—that she<br />
was too old, too al<strong>on</strong>e, too afraid of<br />
getting attached and getting hurt—<br />
evaporated. It was no l<strong>on</strong>ger about<br />
her.<br />
“I loved hearing how God put families<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r through fostering and<br />
adopti<strong>on</strong>,” she says, “and I decided<br />
to investigate more.”<br />
That very day at Wait No More,<br />
Lorie signed up to take <strong>the</strong> next step.<br />
In need of a home<br />
By 2015 Lorie had taken in several<br />
children. Each new placement<br />
was an adventure, and she treasured<br />
every child before <strong>the</strong>y even<br />
met. Some stayed for several weeks,<br />
o<strong>the</strong>rs for several m<strong>on</strong>ths, but <strong>the</strong>y<br />
all eventually moved <strong>on</strong>, leaving<br />
Lorie bereft.<br />
“It was ag<strong>on</strong>y to see <strong>the</strong>m go,” she<br />
says. “[But] God healed my heart<br />
after each child left.”<br />
In August Lorie received a call<br />
about a little girl named Natalie.<br />
Lorie, as usual, was smitten. Twoyear-old<br />
Natalie, though, was scared,<br />
having just been removed from her<br />
relatives’ home <strong>the</strong> day before.<br />
Initially, Lorie’s heart was guarded.<br />
“[She knew] that Natalie could go<br />
back to her biological family at any<br />
time,” says her friend Angela.<br />
But Natalie didn’t go back. She<br />
stayed. A m<strong>on</strong>th passed, <strong>the</strong>n a year.<br />
After nearly two years with Natalie,<br />
<strong>the</strong> caseworkers asked Lorie something<br />
<strong>the</strong>y had never menti<strong>on</strong>ed<br />
before: Would you be willing to c<strong>on</strong>sider<br />
adopti<strong>on</strong>?<br />
No more fears<br />
Lorie wasn’t sure what to say, so she<br />
prayed. She allowed herself to dream<br />
again. It was difficult and delightful<br />
and frightening all at <strong>on</strong>ce. Natalie,<br />
meanwhile, had questi<strong>on</strong>s—about<br />
where she would live, where she<br />
would end up. Lorie could <strong>on</strong>ly reply<br />
that God loved her and <strong>the</strong> court<br />
system would decide what was best.<br />
“The next three years were a roller<br />
coaster that Natalie didn’t know she<br />
was <strong>on</strong>,” Lorie says.<br />
Caseworkers and supervisors<br />
came and went, and it seemed like<br />
every<strong>on</strong>e had a different opini<strong>on</strong><br />
about Natalie’s situati<strong>on</strong>. Finally, at<br />
an August 2019 hearing, a counselor<br />
who’d seen <strong>the</strong> pair interact testified<br />
<strong>on</strong> Lorie’s behalf. If it pleases <strong>the</strong><br />
court, it would be in <strong>the</strong> best interests<br />
of <strong>the</strong> child to remain in her current<br />
residence. The judge agreed, and<br />
suddenly Lorie wasn’t sure what to<br />
believe. Could it really be true?<br />
It was. Nearly a year’s worth of<br />
paperwork later, Lorie signed <strong>the</strong><br />
documents to adopt Natalie.<br />
“In my heart, Natalie has been my<br />
child for over five years,” she says,<br />
“but in September 2020, <strong>the</strong> court<br />
made it official. She finally has a forever<br />
home.”<br />
Lorie plans to c<strong>on</strong>tinue opening<br />
her home to children in need, and<br />
her daughter agrees. Natalie says it’s<br />
difficult when kids aren’t sure where<br />
<strong>the</strong>y’ll be living next.<br />
“Now that I’m adopted, I know I’m<br />
not going to a different home,” she<br />
says. “It’s not stressful, because I<br />
know I’m going to stay with Mom.” •<br />
38<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39
iverbend friends<br />
BOUNDARIES / KIDS & TEENS<br />
A new series for teen girls<br />
In <strong>the</strong> town of Riverbend, <strong>the</strong><br />
pressures a girl faces are real.<br />
Fitting in. Dealing with family<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ships. Appreciating your<br />
self-image. Managing social<br />
media stress. It’s a lot to deal<br />
with! To figure it all out, it helps<br />
to have friends.<br />
Coming so<strong>on</strong> from<br />
Tessa, Izzy, Shay and Amelia<br />
laugh toge<strong>the</strong>r, lean <strong>on</strong> each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r, and most importantly,<br />
discover that God is a friend who<br />
always has <strong>the</strong>ir back. Invite your<br />
teen daughter into this circle of<br />
friendship in <strong>the</strong> first two books<br />
in <strong>the</strong> Riverbend Friends series:<br />
Real, Not Perfect and Searching<br />
for Normal.<br />
Recommended for ages 12-16.<br />
Know when it’s time to<br />
affirm your kids as adults<br />
BY DR. HENRY CLOUD<br />
BRIAN MELLEMA / FOTF<br />
“MY SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW<br />
have betrayed my wife and me, and we’re having<br />
a hard time dealing with it.” This bitter c<strong>on</strong>fessi<strong>on</strong><br />
came from J<strong>on</strong>athan, a good friend of mine, as we<br />
talked about our families.<br />
“What happened?” I asked.<br />
“They’ve decided to move to Florida.” (My friend<br />
and his wife, Bridgette, live in California.) “He’s<br />
taken a job <strong>the</strong>re, and <strong>the</strong>y are moving in a m<strong>on</strong>th.<br />
It’s not right, and I’m really angry about it.”<br />
This is not going to be an easy c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>, I<br />
thought. “Why do you take that as a betrayal?” I<br />
asked.<br />
“We are his parents,” he said. “They should get<br />
our input into that kind of a decisi<strong>on</strong>.”<br />
“It sounds like you see your anger as justified,”<br />
I said, “like <strong>the</strong>y actually did something wr<strong>on</strong>g.”<br />
“Of course!”<br />
“I can understand that you are disappointed, but<br />
not getting what you want is not <strong>the</strong> same as <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
doing anything ‘wr<strong>on</strong>g,’ or ‘betraying’ you,” I said.<br />
“They have every right to make that decisi<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong>ir own.”<br />
Somewhere in this story you might identify with<br />
J<strong>on</strong>athan and Bridgette, thinking that your adult<br />
children somehow owe you certain privileges or<br />
preferences since you are <strong>the</strong>ir parents. And you<br />
find yourself dealing with <strong>the</strong> same issue: How<br />
much c<strong>on</strong>trol does a parent have over an adult<br />
child? >>><br />
Pre-order today at Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca or call 1.800.661.9800<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41
KIDS & TEENS / BOUNDARIES<br />
BOUNDARIES / KIDS & TEENS<br />
Getting to <strong>the</strong> real issue<br />
The real issue is this: God has a<br />
design, and that design is that children<br />
are accountable to <strong>the</strong>ir parents<br />
. . . as l<strong>on</strong>g as <strong>the</strong>y are children. The<br />
Bible says, “Children, obey your parents<br />
in <strong>the</strong> Lord, for this is right”<br />
(Ephesians 6:1, emphasis mine). But<br />
it is clear that <strong>the</strong> command is to<br />
children.<br />
Clearly <strong>the</strong>re is a time when a pers<strong>on</strong><br />
is no l<strong>on</strong>ger a child; he becomes<br />
an adult under his own guardianship<br />
and management. Paul writes<br />
in Galatians, “As l<strong>on</strong>g as an heir is<br />
underage, he is no different from a<br />
slave, although he owns <strong>the</strong> whole<br />
estate. The heir is subject to guardians<br />
and trustees until <strong>the</strong> time set<br />
by his fa<strong>the</strong>r” (Galatians 4:1-2, NIV).<br />
This points to <strong>the</strong> reality that a pers<strong>on</strong><br />
reaches an age in which he or<br />
she is free to be resp<strong>on</strong>sible and<br />
accountable to God.<br />
So <strong>the</strong> questi<strong>on</strong> here is about how<br />
parents and adult children reorder<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir relati<strong>on</strong>ship after some<strong>on</strong>e<br />
is an adult. And added to <strong>the</strong> mix<br />
is God’s design that <strong>on</strong>ce some<strong>on</strong>e<br />
is married, he or she must clearly<br />
“leave and cleave,” which means <strong>the</strong><br />
adult child has left parental guardianship<br />
and management and now<br />
has established his or her own new<br />
household (Genesis 2:24). And<br />
at <strong>the</strong>se points of adulthood, <strong>the</strong><br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship changes from <strong>on</strong>e of<br />
accountability to <strong>on</strong>e of being equal<br />
adults under God, while c<strong>on</strong>tinuing<br />
to “h<strong>on</strong>or” parents (Exodus 20:12)<br />
for all <strong>the</strong>y have d<strong>on</strong>e, but not under<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir management.<br />
Treating kids as adults<br />
Today, this issue is more complicated<br />
than ever because many adult<br />
children are returning home and<br />
being supported in some way by<br />
parents. If you find yourself c<strong>on</strong>fused<br />
by <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>going changes in<br />
your relati<strong>on</strong>ship with your adult<br />
child, here are some strategies that<br />
can help your interacti<strong>on</strong>s go better:<br />
Reach mutual understandings. As<br />
a child is becoming an adult, commit<br />
to <strong>on</strong>going c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>. Try to<br />
discover each o<strong>the</strong>r’s expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
so you can reach a mutual understanding<br />
of how <strong>the</strong>se years will look.<br />
Recognize that your adult children’s<br />
lives are now under <strong>the</strong>ir own governance<br />
and that <strong>the</strong>y are no l<strong>on</strong>ger<br />
accountable to you. The goal is to<br />
have <strong>the</strong> best relati<strong>on</strong>ship possible<br />
with each o<strong>the</strong>r, so talk about what<br />
that will look like.<br />
This also means you’ll need to clarify<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s about some o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
issues. How much time will you<br />
spend toge<strong>the</strong>r? What about financial<br />
help? Living situati<strong>on</strong>s? Advice<br />
<strong>on</strong> parenting? Faith decisi<strong>on</strong>s? These<br />
areas of possible c<strong>on</strong>flict often need<br />
to be discussed to avoid c<strong>on</strong>fusi<strong>on</strong><br />
and disappointment.<br />
When I first headed off to college,<br />
my dad told me, “S<strong>on</strong>, you are going<br />
to college, and I am paying for it. I<br />
never got to go, and I am thrilled to<br />
provide that for you. Your job was to<br />
make <strong>the</strong> grades to get in and now to<br />
stay in, and mine will be to pay for<br />
it.” Then he added <strong>the</strong> real punch<br />
line, “And after college, you are <strong>on</strong><br />
your own. My job is over. If you want<br />
to drop by for a sandwich, great, but<br />
you’re <strong>on</strong> your own.”<br />
I remember both <strong>the</strong> excitement<br />
of that freedom as well as <strong>the</strong> absolute<br />
fear it instilled in me to get my<br />
act toge<strong>the</strong>r so I could earn my way.<br />
And both of those are good and Godordained:<br />
excitement of a visi<strong>on</strong> and<br />
a healthy fear of reality.<br />
As you discuss expectati<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
remember that no <strong>on</strong>e has a “right”<br />
to <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r’s life. Parents do not have<br />
a right to dictate <strong>the</strong> course of an<br />
adult child’s career or marriage, and<br />
adult children do not have a right to<br />
expect <strong>the</strong>ir parents to take care of<br />
<strong>the</strong>m forever.<br />
Hopefully you can work out satisfying<br />
arrangements, d<strong>on</strong>e in an<br />
CREDIT TK<br />
CREDIT TK<br />
accepting atmosphere of freedom<br />
for both sides to decide what <strong>the</strong>y<br />
will agree to do and not do.<br />
If your desires are not met, be sad<br />
instead of angry. J<strong>on</strong>athan’s angry<br />
resp<strong>on</strong>se came when he saw his<br />
s<strong>on</strong> and daughter-in-law’s decisi<strong>on</strong><br />
as a transgressi<strong>on</strong> against him<br />
and Bridgette. In his mind <strong>the</strong> couple<br />
had d<strong>on</strong>e something wr<strong>on</strong>g, and<br />
he was righteously angry. The truth<br />
is that <strong>the</strong> s<strong>on</strong> and his wife had exercised<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir God-designed adult<br />
rights, but it was not what J<strong>on</strong>athan<br />
wanted to happen. So, understandably,<br />
J<strong>on</strong>athan was disappointed.<br />
That is natural when we d<strong>on</strong>’t get<br />
what we desire. But it is not a justifiable<br />
cause for us to be angry or use<br />
guilt or c<strong>on</strong>trol.<br />
Hold your wishes lightly, but discuss<br />
why <strong>the</strong>y are important to you.<br />
Listen to each o<strong>the</strong>r, respect your<br />
adult children’s wishes and resp<strong>on</strong>d<br />
with empathy. And when your wants<br />
are not met, just say, “Well, I would<br />
prefer if you had d<strong>on</strong>e x or y, but it’s<br />
your life.” That will go a l<strong>on</strong>g way<br />
toward creating <strong>the</strong> kind of respectful<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ships we all desire with<br />
<strong>the</strong> people we love.<br />
Be available to help, but d<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
impose. Tell adult children that you<br />
are available to help, but you will not<br />
force it <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
There is a great practice many<br />
pastors do at wedding cerem<strong>on</strong>ies<br />
to memorialize this kind of adulthood.<br />
Before <strong>the</strong>y do <strong>the</strong> vows, <strong>the</strong><br />
pastor says to both sets of parents,<br />
“We first want to h<strong>on</strong>or you for all<br />
you have d<strong>on</strong>e to bring <strong>the</strong>se two<br />
to this day. You have nurtured and<br />
trained <strong>the</strong>m; you have provided for<br />
<strong>the</strong>m. And we thank you. And now,<br />
as of today, your role as provider has<br />
ended. From this day <strong>on</strong>, <strong>the</strong>y are <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong>ir own. And may God bless <strong>the</strong><br />
future relati<strong>on</strong>ship that you will have<br />
with <strong>the</strong>m, and with <strong>the</strong>ir children.”<br />
And <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong> cerem<strong>on</strong>y goes <strong>on</strong> to<br />
memorialize that reality.<br />
But that does not mean you will<br />
have no relati<strong>on</strong>ship. Far from it. Nor<br />
does it mean you are not available to<br />
<strong>the</strong>m for advice, wisdom, help, support<br />
or <strong>the</strong> like. And this applies to<br />
single adults as well as newlyweds.<br />
Send <strong>the</strong>m to adulthood as aut<strong>on</strong>omous,<br />
but let <strong>the</strong>m know you are<br />
always <strong>the</strong>re to help with <strong>the</strong>ir adulthood.<br />
Establish that relati<strong>on</strong>ship. It<br />
is good and biblical.<br />
Moving forward<br />
Again, your help or advice cannot<br />
be imposed or enforced like it was<br />
during <strong>the</strong>ir childhood. And adult<br />
children shouldn’t expect that <strong>on</strong>going<br />
advice, ei<strong>the</strong>r. You are no l<strong>on</strong>ger<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir “parent” in those ways. Career<br />
decisi<strong>on</strong>s, childrearing decisi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
and o<strong>the</strong>r adult decisi<strong>on</strong>s will be<br />
<strong>the</strong>irs, and you will be glad to have<br />
input if <strong>the</strong>y desire, and you will also<br />
not intrude in areas where your help<br />
isn’t wanted. Do just as any o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
good friend would do, and in this<br />
case, a special kind of “friend”—an<br />
adult peer who happened to raise<br />
<strong>the</strong>m. It is a special relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
My parents are both deceased, but<br />
my wife’s parents are living, and we<br />
have gotten so much great advice<br />
and wisdom from <strong>the</strong>m in our 25<br />
years of marriage and 19 years of<br />
parenting. But it has never been<br />
forced, c<strong>on</strong>trolling or demanded. I<br />
am so grateful for <strong>the</strong>m and <strong>the</strong> relati<strong>on</strong>ship<br />
we have.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> end, J<strong>on</strong>athan and Bridgette<br />
went to <strong>the</strong>ir s<strong>on</strong> and daughterin-law<br />
and apologized. Then <strong>the</strong>y<br />
began <strong>the</strong> healthy discussi<strong>on</strong>s that<br />
helped <strong>the</strong>m order <strong>the</strong>ir relati<strong>on</strong>ship<br />
differently. They are working well<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r and being supportive of<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r. But <strong>the</strong>y had to have <strong>the</strong><br />
talk about boundaries first, and <strong>the</strong>n<br />
live it out. •<br />
Dr. Henry Cloud is a psychologist, speaker and<br />
bestselling author of numerous books.<br />
42<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43
KIDS & TEENS / LOVE<br />
LOVE / KIDS & TEENS<br />
NEW<br />
be a gift<br />
to your<br />
grandkids<br />
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
AS LONG AS I HAVE BREATH<br />
In this 52-week devoti<strong>on</strong>al, Bruce Gord<strong>on</strong> will<br />
help you transiti<strong>on</strong> to a life rich with purpose.<br />
Discover that <strong>the</strong> most impactful years of your<br />
life may still be to come.<br />
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And enjoy <strong>the</strong> unique role<br />
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BY BRUCE GORDON<br />
KIDS LIVE IN A DIFFERENT WORLD from <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>e that those of us<br />
over age 50 grew up in. Life for <strong>the</strong>m is so serious. There is pressure to perform,<br />
social cultures to navigate and an all-c<strong>on</strong>suming media envir<strong>on</strong>ment to balance.<br />
These demands can take a toll <strong>on</strong> a child’s health and well-being.<br />
I was thinking about all of this recently after a visit with my granddaughter.<br />
“Papa, I love it when you laugh at yourself,” she told me after I had made a<br />
silly comment about something I had d<strong>on</strong>e. It reminded me how much of a<br />
gift it is to be a grandparent—and how we can be a gift to our grandkids. All<br />
children need a little laughter in <strong>the</strong>ir lives, and as grandparents we can meet<br />
this need. We can model joy and humility, dem<strong>on</strong>strating a more ligh<strong>the</strong>arted<br />
approach to life.<br />
Grandparents can play a unique and significant role in <strong>the</strong> lives of <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
grandchildren. Here are a few gifts that engaged grandparents can give <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
grandkids:<br />
Stability<br />
If <strong>the</strong>re is <strong>on</strong>e word to define life<br />
during <strong>the</strong> last couple of years it’s<br />
change. Grandchildren need stability<br />
amid societal turbulence—some<strong>on</strong>e<br />
to stand with <strong>the</strong>m and beside <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
<strong>Family</strong> traditi<strong>on</strong>s and history foster<br />
stability, and grandparents can<br />
impart this informati<strong>on</strong> to help kids<br />
feel <strong>the</strong>y bel<strong>on</strong>g.<br />
Perspective<br />
Recently both a youth pastor and a pastor for young adults told me<br />
<strong>the</strong>y desperately needed older people to walk al<strong>on</strong>gside our youth.<br />
Whe<strong>the</strong>r in elementary school, high school or college, <strong>the</strong>y need<br />
mentors who can help <strong>the</strong>m see <strong>the</strong>ir world from a different perspective.<br />
Grandparents can provide valuable insights.<br />
We can jump-start c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s by sharing a little about our<br />
pasts—what our childhoods and teen years were like, how we met<br />
our spouses and what we’ve dreamed about doing. We can also<br />
model our values.<br />
Of course, we may need to seek counsel from those who are<br />
younger to help us better understand <strong>the</strong> issues our grandchildren<br />
are facing. So seek out those who work with young people. Ask <strong>the</strong>m<br />
how you can be involved.<br />
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK<br />
Unc<strong>on</strong>diti<strong>on</strong>al love<br />
Grandkids experience unc<strong>on</strong>diti<strong>on</strong>al<br />
love when we love <strong>the</strong>m for who<br />
<strong>the</strong>y are, not who we are trying to get<br />
<strong>the</strong>m to be. We can coach and teach<br />
<strong>the</strong>m, loaning <strong>the</strong>m our wisdom so<br />
<strong>the</strong>y have <strong>the</strong> opportunity to make<br />
good choices.<br />
Adventure<br />
When I was growing up, my favorite reads were adventure books. I loved <strong>the</strong><br />
possibility of real adventure and often dreamed that I might have my own. My<br />
grandfa<strong>the</strong>r took me <strong>on</strong> several trips because he understood this need.<br />
Grandparents can open worlds of explorati<strong>on</strong> to <strong>the</strong>ir grandchildren<br />
when we listen to <strong>the</strong>ir interests. We can use our lifetime of experiences and<br />
knowledge to explore our city, a new trail, a new restaurant, a museum, an<br />
observatory or a nearby fishing hole. We also make good volunteers, especially<br />
when serving with our grandchildren to help a ministry we’re both passi<strong>on</strong>ate<br />
about.<br />
C<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
Grandchildren may need help sorting<br />
out big issues in <strong>the</strong>ir lives. I love<br />
when my grandkids ask me what I’ve<br />
learned about an issue. Issues may<br />
change, but God’s love and truth do<br />
not. Our lives can become an example<br />
for our grandkids about how He<br />
helps people. Our past can show<br />
how our Lord works in our hearts<br />
and in our interacti<strong>on</strong>s with o<strong>the</strong>rs<br />
to refine us into wise and resilient<br />
Christ followers.<br />
We d<strong>on</strong>’t want to be people who<br />
go through life in completely separate<br />
worlds from our grandkids. Our<br />
grandchildren need real c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
people who are interested in<br />
<strong>the</strong>m while <strong>the</strong>y process life and face<br />
its challenges. God’s plan has always<br />
been that as we age, we become<br />
“sages” for those who are younger. If<br />
we’re not engaged in <strong>the</strong> lives of our<br />
grandchildren, I w<strong>on</strong>der if we’re truly<br />
fulfilling what God asks of us during<br />
this stage of our lives. Loving our<br />
neighbor has to do with serving<br />
those God puts in our lives. Our<br />
grandchildren are near <strong>the</strong> top of<br />
our list. •<br />
Bruce Gord<strong>on</strong>, <strong>the</strong> former president of <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g><br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada, is a leader, coach,<br />
c<strong>on</strong>sultant, educator and pastor. This article<br />
was adapted from As L<strong>on</strong>g As I Have Breath,<br />
a <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> resource published by<br />
Tyndale House Publishers.<br />
44<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong><br />
<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45
KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY<br />
blowing bubbles<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada<br />
Broadcast App<br />
Valentina, 10, and Victoria, 7<br />
Enjoying a sunny day<br />
—Aline from Alberta<br />
Kenzi, 5, and Sadie, 3<br />
Chasing bubbles with Nana<br />
—Brian and Nicki from Minnesota<br />
Looking for ways to build your faith, streng<strong>the</strong>n your marriage and<br />
become a better parent? The <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada app is here<br />
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as <strong>the</strong>y interview a variety of leading marriage and family experts,<br />
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family is at.<br />
Melody, 3<br />
Bubbles <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> balc<strong>on</strong>y<br />
—Paul from California<br />
Your kids could be in <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine!<br />
Email photos* of your child gardening or <strong>the</strong>ir Easter celebrati<strong>on</strong>. (Put<br />
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* Largest photo possible—professi<strong>on</strong>al photos not accepted<br />
If you are looking for inspirati<strong>on</strong> and ways to have a thriving family,<br />
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To download <strong>the</strong> Apple or Google app, visit<br />
focus<strong>on</strong><strong>the</strong>family.ca/mobile<br />
46<br />
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<strong>April</strong> / MAy <strong>2021</strong>
Shop with c<strong>on</strong>fidence<br />
at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada<br />
Today <strong>the</strong>re are many ways to shop for<br />
faith‐building resources for your family. And<br />
yet, when you c<strong>on</strong>sider purchasing an item,<br />
<strong>the</strong> same questi<strong>on</strong>s resurface:<br />
Is <strong>the</strong> author offering a biblically based perspective?<br />
Would a counsellor c<strong>on</strong>sider it sound advice?<br />
Will <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>tent engage your kids?<br />
When you shop at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong><br />
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by our staff for excellent c<strong>on</strong>tent that’s in<br />
line with God’s Word.<br />
Shop <strong>on</strong>line at Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca or shop by ph<strong>on</strong>e at 1.800.661.9800