Focus on the Family Magazine - February/March 2021

COUNTERING THE 

CULTURE OF 

ENTITLEMENT 

Helping Families Thrive in Christ 

FEB / MAR 2021 

Canada 

A MARRIAGE 

WITHOUT HOPE? 

Football, 

Fame or 

Family pg. 

12

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Contents 

February / March 

FLAFFY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

Couples 

11 THE RHYTHM OF WALKING 

TOGETHER 

A marriage tip from JJ Heller 

12 FOOTBALL, FAME OR FAMILY 

Jason and Tay Brown chose to 

give up wealth and fame to pursue 

God’s call 

by Paul Asay 

17 A MARRIAGE WITHOUT HOPE? 

One couple thought divorce was 

inevitable. Enter Hope Restored 

by Thomas Jeffries 

20 FOUR REASONS WHY WE CARE 

ABOUT MARRIAGE 

by Jeff Johnston 

21 LIVING ONE PANEL AT A TIME 

How Jonny and Carissa Hawkins 

create a thriving marriage on a 

cartoonist’s income 

by Karen Scalf Bouchard 

Faith & Inspiration 

25 TRUSTING GOD IN DREARY PLACES 

Spiritual insights from <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family Middle East 

by Sami Yacoub 

26 HOW I FOUND 

BEAUTY IN THE BROWNS 

Relying on God to carry 

the burden of depression 

by Paul Asay 

30 THE FREEDOM TO DOUBT 

How Charlotte Pence Bond’s search 

led her to a vibrant faith in Christ 

by Benjamin Hawkins 

32 A CHRISTIAN OUTREACH 

IN A MUSLIM LAND 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Middle 

East navigates the difficulties of 

ministering in a challenging culture 

by Scott Johnson 

In Every 

Issue 

Kids & Teens 

35 SEEING MY FAMILY AS A PRIORITY 

A parenting tip from Adrienne Camp 

36 COUNTERING THE 

CULTURE OF ENTITLEMENT 

How to help kids live 

faithfully in a land of plenty 

by Ashley Hales 

40 UNDERSTANDING 

WHEN KIDS NEED TO TALK 

Take the time to help your children 

process worry, grief and loss 

by Lisa Harper 

43 MEASURING UP 

Do your kids feel the 

pressure to please you? 

by Jeannie Cunnion 

45 I GOT PLAYED BY A 3-YEAR-OLD 

. . . and he was brilliant 

by Vicki Bahr 

4 DALY A LETTER FOCUS FROM THE PRESIDENT 

5 HACKS & FACTS 

10 MEDIA 

46 34 MY PRODUCTS THRIVING & RESOURCES 

FAMILY 

46 MY THRIVING FAMILY 

February / March 2021 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

daly A LETTER focus FROM THE PRESIDENT 

seeking 

thriving in the 

the 

midst 

light 

of challenges 

Bob Cheatley is interim 

president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family Canada 

Jim Daly is the president 

of <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

and host of the <strong>Focus</strong> on 

the Family broadcast. His 

daily column is available 

at JimDalyBlog.com. 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family is a 

donor-supported ministry, 

and your contribution makes 

a difference in the U.S. and 

throughout the world. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/ 

Donation 

Jim Daly 

IT CAN BE TOUGH TO ESCAPE 

THE “WINTER BLUES” even during 

the most uneventful and peaceful of the 

year’s coldest months. The weather can be 

AT FOCUS ON dreary, THE and FAMILY the days, darker. CANADA, If you live in 

our desire is to help Portland, families Oregon, thrive. for example, you enjoy 

Thriving, though, 15 hours is often and misunderstood. 41 minutes of daylight It doesn’t at the 

mean we live lives summer untouched solstice by worry. but only It doesn’t eight hours and 42 

mean we don’t face minutes heartache at the and winter pain solstice. in our family 

relationships. It means And this that winter even in has the been midst especially of challenging. 

to It seek kicked God off and with find one strength of the in most 

difficulty, we continue 

him to not simply contentious survive, but elections to grow and in our learn nation’s as we history 

become more like and him. plodded forward under the lingering 

A thriving family cloud is a of redeemed the COVID-19 family. pandemic. It’s 

In Romans 5:3-5, enough Paul to writes, create “we despair rejoice in the in stoutest of 

our hearts. sufferings, Winter blues knowing indeed! that suffering produces 

endurance, One of the and reasons endurance we’re so produces passionate character, about building and 

character strong families produces here at hope, <strong>Focus</strong> and on hope the Family does not is because put family 

to is one shame, of the because greatest God's gifts love to help has us been weather poured life’s into storms. 

our It’s a hearts God-given through provision the Holy for Spirit safety, who shelter has and been refuge. 

given Even to so, us.” we know that sometimes the most stable and 

grounded This issue families of the magazine can face tough is filled challenges. with articles You’ll that find 

articles speak into this those issue areas that of focus suffering. on godly We know men couples and women 

are who feeling have walked hopeless, incredibly but we also difficult know paths. the miracles Perhaps you 

can God relate can do to in these strained individuals relationships a personal (page 17). level. We 

know If you many are Canadians suffering from live the with winter depression blues and or something the 

much pandemic more has serious, exacerbated please many know people’s that we’re existing here for you 

at mental <strong>Focus</strong> health on the struggles, Family. In but fact, we we also have know a team that we of licensed can 

look family to and our pastoral faithful God counselors to carry who our burdens would be and happy be to offer 

our you strength a free consultation when we feel over weak the (page phone 26). and, We if know needed, direct 

children you to ongoing are not help immune in your to feelings area. If you’d of grief like and to sorrow, speak with 

them, but we just also call know 855-771-HELP that God can (4357) equip weekdays us to help from our 6:00 

a.m. children to 8:00 find p.m. healthy (Mountain ways to time). process It would those difficult be our privilege 

emotions to minister (page to you 40). in this way. 

Take I hope heart—spring you are encouraged is coming! by The what days you’ll are find already within growing 

these longer, pages, and in no a few matter short what weeks, you’re temperatures facing in life. will start 

warming However, and if we’ll you are begin struggling to see flowers, and need green personalized leaves, blue 

skies help, and please signs can of contact life. Until our then, team may for prayer we all find andhope in the 

counselling One who reminded support. us, It “In would the be world our you privilege will have to walk tribulation. 

alongside But take heart; you. I Call have us overcome at 1.800.661.9800, the world” email (John 16:33). 

help@fotf.ca or visit us at <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Help 

to learn more. 

Bob Cheatley 

JEN LINTS PHOTOGRAPHY 

president Jim Daly 

chief operating officer Ken Windebank 

publisher Steve Johnson 

focus editorial canada director interim Sheila president Seifert Bob Cheatley 

editorial managing director editor Sheila Andrea Seifert Gutierrez 

managing copy chief editor Scott Andrea DeNicola Gutierrez 

copy contributing chief Scott editors DeNicola Ginger Kolbaba, Vance 

contributing Fry, Jennifer editors Lonas, Ginger Thomas Kolbaba, Jeffries, 

Vance Marianne Fry, Hering Jennifer and Lonas, Jeff Masching Thomas Jeffries, 

Marianne art director Hering Brian and Mellema Jeff Masching 

art designer director Anneka Brian Mellema Jack 

designer cover Brittany Anneka Cruse Jack 

cover media Brittany publishing Cruse director Kevin Shirin 

media editorial publishing assistant director Kat Bittner Kevin Shirin 

editorial print production assistant Gail Kat Bittner Wise 

print circulation production Sandy Gail Grivy Wise 

circulation Sandy Grivy 

Thank you! 

Thank you! 

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4 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 

February / March 2021

Hacks & Facts 

CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING 

A Treasured 

Tradition 

On Valentine’s Day I make heart-shaped 

scones for breakfast. Each family member 

also has a paper heart by his or her plate. 

During breakfast my husband reads to us 

from the Bible about God’s love, and then 

we write what we love about one another on 

the paper hearts. These have become some 

of our children’s greatest treasures. 

—Joanne Madgwick 

FOTF / ANNEKA JACK 


HACKS & FACTS / VALENTINE′S DAY 

Love Notes From God 

I asked my kids to come up with different ways 

they’ve seen God send them love. They wrote their 

comments on hearts and found verses to confirm 

God’s intent to care for us. I helped the little ones do 

this. We hung the hearts on the wall. Now my kids 

can see how God is and has been sending our family 

“valentines,” even before they were born. 

Meaningful Gifts 

—Allison Struber 

Children of parents who 

show emotional warmth are 

21%more likely 

to flourish later in life. 

source: Social Science & Medicine, 2019 

Valentine’s Day 

Countdown 

Last year my husband and I planned a 14-day 

Valentine’s countdown using an inexpensive pack of 

foam hearts. We wrote 14 characteristics we love about 

our daughter along with Bible verses that showed how 

she is made in God’s image. Each morning she found 

a new heart on her door that encouraged and inspired 

her to show God’s love to others. 

—Crystal Stine 

Sharing Gary Chapman’s five love languages with my 

boys helped them think about showing love in meaningful 

ways. My oldest son baked chocolate chip cookies for 

his dad, who values “acts of service.” My youngest drew 

pictures to tell me how pretty I am, which I appreciated 

as “words of affirmation.” The boys helped me cook a nice 

dinner, and then we spent “quality time” together. 

Understanding other love languages helped the boys 

connect with us and turn Valentine’s Day into a meaningful 

celebration of love. 

—Penny Noyes 

Baby-Book Letter 

For my son’s first Valentine’s Day, I wrote him a letter 

explaining how long his father and I had wanted 

a child, the complications that led to his birth, how 

much I loved him and how I hoped to be a good 

mama to him. I tucked the letter in his baby book, so 

he will always have a reminder of his parents’ love. 

—Michelle Welsh 

ELOVICH / STOCK.ADOBE.COM; NATALIYA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

6 



INFANT SLEEP / HACKS & FACTS 

Calming the 

Senses 

After tucking our baby in his crib, my 

husband and I pray over him and 

turn on the white noise machine. 

We also use a diffuser to fill the 

room with the calming scent of lavender. 

The white noise and scent 

help him sleep longer at night. 

—Amanda Hayhurst 

Mama’s Touch 

Offering a light massage before bed 

taught my newborn to associate 

touch with relaxation. Then I placed 

the bassinet within arm’s reach so 

I could respond to my baby’s cues 

and avoid a crying episode, which 

could keep my baby from sleeping. 

—Natalee Estrada 

Bedtime Routine 

My husband and I each share in 

bathing our baby and putting on his 

diaper and pajamas. Following bath 

time, we rub scented lotion on our 

son and keep the lights dim to relax 

him before sleep. 

—Natalie Gross 

Sleepy-Time 

Hymns 

When my babies would not fall 

asleep, I calmed both them and me 

by singing—but not ordinary lullabies. 

I’d sing hymns. Those beautiful 

lyrics kept my mind engaged and 

lulled my infants to sleep. 

—Jessica Snell 

White Noise 

on the Go 

MESAMONG / STOCK.ADOBE.COM; MONKEY BUSINESS / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

My wife and I played white noise in 

our infant’s room—using a recording 

or a box fan. The gentle noise and 

steady rhythm helped him relax. We 

also used the recording during long 

car rides when it was time for our 

son to sleep. 

—David Cox 

Only 

57% 

of 12-month-olds sleep 

eight or more hours a night. 

source: Pediatrics, December 2018 


HACKS & FACTS / WAITING 

Working Toward a Want 

My younger son wanted an expensive pair of headphones. 

My husband and I chose to delay the purchase to make 

sure he really wanted them and to give him an opportunity 

to earn them. We offered our son a “credit” each 

time he finished a homework assignment to my satisfaction. 

My son did his homework on time and with diligence. 

He discovered he liked doing his assignments when there 

was a reward in the balance. He researched which pair of 

headphones he wanted and made the purchase. We were 

proud of him for his patience and careful planning. 

—Sylvie Leclerc 

A Record of 

Our Week 

When their dad was away for a week, our 

three boys and I kept a journal on a sheet of 

paper divided into seven sections. We put the 

journal on the kitchen wall. Each evening we 

would write down the things we did that day 

so we would remember to tell Dad about our 

little happenings. We all missed him, and this 

visual record of his absence showed our boys 

how many days it was until his return home. 

It also reminded them to pray for him as we 

said grace before each meal. 

—Alice Burnett 

Prayer Box 

The day came when my son had a problem at school 

I couldn’t fix. I realized that God had left my 6-yearold 

son and me no other option but to trust Him. 

To help us through this time, I purchased a beautiful 

painted box. I told my son, “I can’t be with you every 

minute, but God can. God is a much better helper 

than I am. Every time we have a problem that’s too big 

for us, we’re going to write it on a slip of paper, pray 

about it, and put it in this box.” 

Then we committed to not worry about the problem 

because we had turned it over to God and He 

was working on it. Each time God answered our 

prayer, we looked at what we’d written and rejoiced in 

how He blessed us. 

The wait of several weeks was difficult, but God rescued 

my son from the school situation. 

When he was a teen, a time of discouragement 

ushered in a crisis of faith. He couldn’t stand for me to 

say anything Bible related. One day I asked if we could 

look at the years of accumulated prayers in the box. 

As he read the papers, it was evident that God had 

answered his prayers, turning hardships into blessings. 

The reminders helped move him toward God again. 

—Casey Hawley 

FOTF / ANNEKA JACK 

8 



WAITING / HACKS & FACTS 

96% 

of Americans will 

of North Americans will 

consume scorching 

food or drink rather 

than wait for it to cool. 

source: Wakefield Research, 2015 

Trinket 

Scavenger Hunt 

I used a simple take-along activity to keep my four kids entertained. 

I started with a clean and dry plastic water bottle. I filled the bottle 

three-quarters full with sand. Then I added about 20 small items, such 

as plastic animals, a coin, a hair barrette, a paper clip, plastic beads and 

other small trinkets. I glued the lid closed since my younger kids were 

apt to open the bottle. 

The kids could tip, twist and turn the bottle searching for the different 

items. My older kids liked following a list of all the items so they could 

race to find them all. When my children were older and I didn’t have to 

glue on the caps, I would refresh their bottles with new items so that 

each time we played it was just as fun. 

—Julia Springman 

Pillow Prizes 

My toddler had a hard time going to 

sleep in his own bed. I placed whatever 

his current favorite book was 

under his pillow. We called it his 

prize and told him that if he stayed 

in his bed at night, when he woke 

up in the morning, the prize would 

be there waiting for him. Looking 

forward to reading his book in 

the morning, he fell asleep with 

it tucked under his pillow. He still 

does this as a preschooler with various 

books and toys. On occasion, 

he even sleeps with his Bible under 

his pillow. 

—Tammy Conley 

Waiting Games 

Whenever my three girls and I 

must wait—whether at the grocery 

store, in a doctor’s office or in the 

car—I play a game with them once 

they grow fidgety. If we’re standing 

in line, I’ll say, “Touch your toes,” 

“Put your hands on your head,” or 

“Touch your ears.” If we’re waiting 

in a restaurant or in the car, we’ll 

usually play a game such as I Spy. 

Games make the time pass quickly 

and in a fun way. 

—Elisabeth Ramon 


MEDIA / PLUGGED IN 

UPCOMING 

REVIEWS 

For reviews of these and other 

titles, visit PluggedIn.com, PluggedIn.ca, <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family’s media review and 

discernment website. 

F 

ocus on the Family’s Plugged In team 

comes together with humor and 

heart to deliver weekly insights on 

current media choices and culture-related 

topics. These media experts shine a light on 

KENA: BRIDGE OF SPIRITS the world of popular entertainment and technology 

trends while giving you and your family 

Will the storyline’s overt mysticism 

overshadow the cuteness factor in this 

new action-adventure game? 

the essential tools you need to understand, 

Scheduled release: March 2021 

navigate and impact today’s culture. 

Some of the topics covered by The Plugged 

In Show include the influence of books in a 

screen-based world, what you need to know about online predators, 

and the next-gen future of video gaming. You’ll also hear wide-ranging 

overviews about what media discernment looks like, the impact of 

television in our lives, and how to establish tech boundaries for you 

and your family. 

Tune in each week for the encouragement to engage with your 

children and dialogue with them about the media they are consuming, 

sparking intellectual thought and spiritual growth. Listen 

online through Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts or Spotify. Visit 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/PluggedInShow for details. 

RAYA AND THE LAST DRAGON 

Parents may wonder if Disney’s latest release 

recaptures the family-friendly tone of their 

animated classics. 

Scheduled release: March 12 

MORBIUS 

Are we ready to root for another superhero? Or 

should this Marvel character be left in the shadows? 

Scheduled release: March 19 

TOP TO BOTTOM: EMBER LAB; DISNEY; SONY PICTURES 

10 



Couples 

therhythm 

of walking 

together 

a marriage tip 

from JJ heller 

MY HUSBAND, Dave, and I 

have been working together full 

time since we were married in 

2003. There’s some sort of miraculous 

combination of our two 

personalities that makes it possible 

for us to be business partners 

and spouses. 

One surprising thing that’s helped 

our marriage, more than anything 

else, is going for walks. There’s something 

therapeutic about the rhythm 

of putting one foot in front of the 

other, feeling the breeze in your hair 

and the sun on your face. It feels like 

a reset of sorts. 

In my experience, walking also 

fosters dialogue. I’ve noticed a lovely 

ebb and flow as Dave and I stroll 

around our neighborhood. Because 

we’re side by side and noticing the 

world around us, there’s no pressure 

to fill the empty space with words. 

When we’re walking, we’re comfortable 

talking or simply staying quiet. • 

JJ heller, a songwriter and contemporary 

christian music artist, releases a new song 

every first Friday of the month. 

JJ and her husband, Dave, pictured below 

PHOTO COURTESY OF JJ HELLER 


cOuPlES / COMMITMENT 

FOOTBALL , FAME 

O RFAM IL Y 

Jason and Tay Brown 

chose to give up 

wealth and fame to 

pursue God’s call 

BY PAUL ASAY 

PHOTOS BY BRITTANY CRUSE 

12 



COMMITMENT / cOuPlES 

ALL SIGNS POINTED TO ANOTHER BIG 

CONTRACT for NFL center Jason Brown. He’d 

been cut by the St. Louis Rams a few weeks earlier 

in 2012—a casualty of a head coaching change—but 

plenty of teams were still interested in the 28-year-old 

offensive lineman. Jason had already rejected an offer 

from the Carolina Panthers; another former team, the 

Baltimore Ravens, seemed eager to get him back. 

Before talking to the Ravens, Jason and his wife, Tay, 

traveled to San Francisco. Tay hoped her husband 

would accept an offer from the 49ers. For Tay, a Bay 

Area native, it would mean being closer to family. It 

would mean coming home. 

But when Jason returned from the 49ers facility and 

opened the door to their hotel room, he told her he’d 

turned them down. 

Tay was angry. Her husband was rejecting multimillion-dollar 

deals! He seemed like he was disinterested 

in playing professional football—a profession millions 

would love to have. 

“So what’s the deal, Jason?” she asked. “You turned 

down the Panthers. You turned down the 49ers. . . . If 

you’re not going to play football, what are you going to 

do?” 

Jason took a deep breath. 

“God is telling me that we need to sell our home in St. 

Louis and move back to North Carolina,” he said. “He’s 

telling me to purchase some land there. Because God 

is telling me that . . . He wants me to be a farmer.” 

Jason had actually been thinking about this move 

for months. He felt that God was calling him back to 

the basics: Family. Faith. The rich Carolina earth that 

his family had called home for generations. But he’d 

not told anyone else about this seemingly crazy seed 

that God had planted in him—not even his wife, not 

until now. 

Tay stared at Jason for a minute. How could he drop 

this bomb on her in the middle of a marriage that was 

already struggling? 

“Jason,” she finally said, “I’m so happy God is sharing 

all these things with you, because He’s not sharing any 

of this with me!” 

For richer or poorer 

Jason and Tay met nearly a decade 

earlier, after Tay graduated from 

Duke University and Jason was a 

standout lineman for the University 

of North Carolina. Jason insists 

that Tay was literally glowing when 

they first met, as if God had put a 

spotlight on her. It took Jason just 

one date to know that Tay was the 

woman he wanted to marry. 

They seemed perfectly synced: 

Their priorities were faith, family 

and education. They both had big 

dreams—she wanted to become a 

dentist, he was destined to play in 

the NFL—and they were determined 

to pursue those dreams together. 

They married in May 2005. He was 

20, she 22. And at first, everything was 

wonderful. They lived together in a 

modest townhome as Jason closed out 

his college career—studying together, 

laughing together, praying together. 

“And then came the call from the 

world,” Jason says. 

Dreams take sacrifice. Tay pushed 

dental school back a year to help 

Jason deal with the tragic loss of his 

brother in Iraq. Then Jason was NFL 

bound, but he had no control over 

who he might play for. Any one of 

32 teams might draft him, which 

made it incredibly difficult for Tay to 

choose a dental school. 

Finally, they decided that Tay 

would apply for dental school in 

North Carolina and make the state 

home base. Jason would play football 

wherever the NFL asked him to. 

They agreed to try a long-distance 

marriage during the season. 

“You make the best choices you 

can at the time with the information 

and the wisdom you have,” Tay says. 

“And when you’re 20-something years 

old, that’s what we thought would 

work out best.” 

Jason ended up on the Ravens, 

and the separation was painful. 

When their first child, J.W., was born 

in 2007, Jason felt the distance growing 

between them. 

“I was not offering the quality time 

or the emotional support that [Tay 

and J.W.] needed,” he said. “I was 

providing for my family, but there’s 

a huge difference between being a 

father and a provider.” 

Because they spent so much of the 

year apart, Tay says that they didn’t 

really have each other to depend 

on. “We were slowly pulling apart. . . . 

Where it says [in the Bible] that ‘the 

two shall be as one,’ we were drifting, 

and not really being one.” >>> 



Jason, Tre, Noah, Isaiah, Tay, Olivia, J.W., Judah, Naomi and Kahlan 

In sickness and in wealth 

By 2009, Tay had finished dental school, and Jason 

had signed with a new team, the St. Louis Rams. He 

inked a $37.5-million deal—a record amount back 

then for an NFL center. They bought a massive 

12,000 square-foot mansion in St. Louis—plenty of 

room for their growing family. 

But by then, that family was coming undone. All 

that time away from each other had turned the 

couple into two very separate individuals, complete 

with their own interests and hobbies. “I had 

my ways, and Jason had his ways,” Tay says. 

“Everybody says that money, it’s a blessing,” 

Jason says. “But at the time, we didn’t handle 

it well. We were not good stewards, and it was 

actually more of a curse because . . . it didn’t bring 

out the best character in us.” 

“It intensified our independence rather than 

bringing us closer together,” Tay adds. “Jason was 

making money; I was making money because 

I was working at a dental office. So if I needed 

something at this point, I would go out and do 

what I wanted.” 

Both were, by their own admission, selfish and 

stubborn. Both had inflicted plenty of hurt on the 

other, and trust between the two was, by late 2011, 

almost nonexistent. Their marriage was heading, 

in Jason’s words, toward “absolute destruction.” 

But no one else knew. They attended church 

14 



COMMITMENT / cOuPlES 

every week, smiled through their pain and said all 

the right things. They were, after all, role models 

—a power couple who seemed to have it all. Jason 

was an NFL star. Tay was a dentist. Who wouldn’t 

want to be in their shoes? 

But by Christmas of 2011, Tay didn’t want those 

shoes anymore. She wanted out. 

“I remember having a conversation with God,” 

she recalls. “It was like, ‘Am I going to stay or am I 

going to go?’ ” 

She decided to stay—to stick with their marriage, 

no matter what. 

But when she heard that Jason wanted to quit 

football and become a farmer, that was a whole 

new challenge. 

Tay felt God drawing her to a Bible story—from 

Genesis 20—in which Abraham tells a king that 

Sarah was Abraham’s sister, not his wife, putting 

Sarah at great risk. The Bible said that “God protected 

Sarah” throughout that time, and Tay drew 

hope from that. 

“[Sarah] had to put her trust in God, and God 

was the One who protected her,” Tay says. “That’s 

what God showed me. Maybe I didn’t have full 

faith and trust in my husband [at that time], but 

God [was] going to protect me. 

“It was me just leaning on God,” she adds. “And 

I had that moment where I said, ‘I’m all in. I’m 

going to do this thing. I believe You have called 

him to this life.’ ” It was a choice. >>> 



To have and to hold 

Jason and Tay bought what would 

become First Fruits Farm in late 

2012. They had two children at the 

time; now they have eight—most 

delivered right on the farm, one by 

Jason’s own hands. 

The road to the couple’s healing 

wasn’t easy. It required repentance. It 

required forgiveness. And, as anyone 

who’s gone through the process of 

healing a relationship knows, moving 

that bond from “bad” to “good” 

isn’t as simple as flipping a switch. 

Instead, the change in their marriage 

happened a little like gardening. 

They planted seeds of healing deep 

underground. Then they watered, 

weeded and nurtured them. 

The healing of their marriage 

didn’t spring from the ground fully 

formed, but rather it grew day by 

day, week by week. Finally one 

morning, they found that they had 

something truly special: a renewed 

relationship. 

Their farm has been fruitful, too. 

Since their first harvest in 2014, 

First Fruits has produced more 

than 1 million pounds of fruits 

and vegetables. 

And Jason and Tay have given 

almost every cucumber and sweet 

potato away. Their produce goes 

to feed North Carolina’s most vulnerable, 

and that’s not all. Through 

multiple festivals and volunteer 

opportunities, First Fruits brings people 

from all walks of life who visit or 

volunteer on the farm closer together. 

It hasn’t been easy: Jason and Tay 

will both tell you that. Crops sometimes 

fail. Volunteers don’t show up. 

Farming is hard work, and 

home-schooling eight kids adds 

another degree of difficulty. The luxuries 

and the financial security they 

had when Jason was in the NFL are a 

thing of the past. 

But both will say that, as hard as 

they work and as tired as they get, 

their lives are better now. They’re 

together—truly together. In the past, 

they’d nurse grudges for days. Now 

they compete to repent first and 

seek each other’s forgiveness. 

“We still get on one another’s 

nerves,” Jason admits. But when they 

argue, they often literally tell each 

other: “You are not my enemy.” They 

are partners in God’s work. 

Tay adds that she and Jason have 

banned one critical word from their 

relationship. 

“We call it the ‘D’ word,” she says. 

“Divorce is no longer part of our 

vocabulary. It’s no longer a thought. 

The Bible says to take our thoughts 

captive and submit them, right? So 

the ‘D’ word is no longer welcome 

in our home and in our thoughts.” 

Because of Jason’s NFL past, he 

naturally receives most of the press 

and accolades for First Fruits Farm. 

Tay is quieter, more retiring. But 

Jason stresses that Tay is the farm’s 

real unsung hero. Neither of them 

could do it alone. 

“I pray for Tay more than I pray for 

myself,” Jason says. “I know some 

people say, ‘Oh, that’s so nice,’ but 

it’s a selfish prayer. Because I need 

this woman.” 

For better or worse, the marriage 

vows say. In their marriage, Tay and 

Jason have experienced both. They 

had wealth and fame. Then they 

gave it all up and found the better. 

Each other. • 

Paul asay is the co-author of Centered: 

Trading your plans for a life that matters with 

Jason brown. First Fruits Farm is located near 

Louisburg, North carolina. 

FIRST FRUITS FARM 

Jason and Tay Brown’s First Fruits Farm is a nonprofit 

ministry that feeds thousands of hungry and needy 

families across North Carolina with its produce, primarily 

sweet potatoes. It’s also a family operation, 

but with more than 1,000 acres of farmland, it’s far 

more than one family can handle alone. 

First Fruits welcomes volunteers throughout the year, 

but especially during harvest season. For information 

on how to volunteer, visit wisdomforlife.org/volunteers. 

And if you’re not in the area (or don’t have time) to 

volunteer, First Fruits welcomes donations. Go to 

wisdomforlife.org/give for more information or to 

donate. 

16 



HOPE RESTORED / cOuPlES 

PHOTOS COURTESY OF SHAWN AND JAYNEEN 

a marriage 

without 

hope? 

One couple 

thought divorce 

was inevitable. 

enter hope 

restored 

BY THOMAS JEFFRIES 

WHEN SHAWN 

PROPOSED TO JAYNEEN— 

just three months after they began 

dating—they were convinced their 

marriage would be rock solid. Both 

were committed Christians with a 

shared vision to reach the lost. 

They exchanged vows nine 

months later and began their newlywed 

adventure. Shawn worked retail 

and served in children’s ministry; 

Jayneen taught elementary school. 

Yet four years into their marriage, 

the couple discovered they suffered 

from infertility. The news was a fault 

line in their relationship, the beginning 

of moving apart. 

“Once we found out [we were 

infertile], it completely changed 

our relationship,” Shawn says. “We 

went from trying to get pregnant 

to not wanting to even be intimate 

with each other. I felt major 

guilt, as I knew how much Jayneen 

wanted children.” 

The couple explored fertility 

treatments. Their first failed attempt 

was both financially and emotionally 

draining. 

“I will never forget the pain my wife 

experienced,” Shawn says. “We had 

stopped at a gas station on the way 

home, and she broke into tears and 

melted onto the sidewalk.” 

Shawn picked her up, and that’s 

when Jayneen said she couldn’t 

bear the thought—the grief—of trying 

again. Instead of leaning on her 

husband, though, Jayneen pushed 

him away. >>> 


cOuPlES / HOPE RESTORED 

Spiraling downward 

The tension in their home was 

amplified when Shawn started a 

business. He discovered he was a 

poor money manager, which led 

to bankruptcy and plenty of arguments 

with Jayneen. Then came the 

surgeries: gallbladder, appendix, a 

bad back, a tumor in Jayneen’s jaw— 

seemingly all in rapid succession 

and adding to their financial stress. 

“I got extremely angry,” Jayneen 

says. “I was angry with Shawn, but 

I got very, very angry at God.” 

I’ve done everything right, she 

argued. I’ve served You. 

She was consumed with the 

impression that God had turned His 

back on her. And Jayneen’s disappointment 

turned to bitterness. 

“I shook my fist at God,” she says, 

“and I started emotionally cheating 

on my husband through the internet. 

That led to chat rooms, which led to 

an actual affair.” 

When Shawn first confronted her, 

Jayneen promised to stop. But it was 

a lie. The second time Shawn caught 

her, he told Jayneen to leave. Once 

out of the house, she embraced her 

new lifestyle with abandon. More 

affairs. Drinking. She even experimented 

with marijuana. 

“She tried anything she could to 

numb the pain,” says Brittyn, a longtime 

family friend. “She was hurting 

terribly and entered a downward spiral 

she had no idea how to get out of.” 

Shawn says he felt as though 

someone had shattered a treasured 

snow globe and left him to 

clean up the mess. Yet he remained 

available to Jayneen. On occasions 

when she would call and ask for 

help, Shawn obliged. 

Estranged at home 

Although Shawn was broken at 

the outset, it took Jayneen more 

than four years on her own to 

Instead of attending Hope Restored 

“ 

with a broken canvas, we discovered 

that God used Hope Restored to paint 

a whole new picture. ” 

—Shawn 

acknowledge the hopelessness of 

her lifestyle. Eventually she worked 

up the courage to ask Shawn if she 

could return home. He agreed, but 

there were still major issues between 

them. As a temporary solution, they 

decided that Jayneen would live in 

one half of the house, Shawn in the 

other. They were cordial to each 

other, but the arrangement was 

more brother and sister than husband 

and wife. They tried to rekindle 

their relationship, yet Shawn could 

see that it wasn’t working. Jayneen 

could see it, too. 

“We loved each other, but we were 

not close,” she says. “We didn’t know 

each other anymore.” 

Divorce seemed like the only option. 

There was just one more thing Shawn 

and Jayneen wanted to try first. 

Finding peace 

Jayneen remembered reading about 

Hope Restored—<strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family’s multi-day counseling program 

for marriages in crisis. When 

she suggested they give it a try, 

Shawn wholeheartedly agreed that 

Hope Restored had to be a part of 

the solution. 

“I saw that the success rate was about 

85%,” he says, “and I wanted that.” 

For her part, Jayneen knew deep 

down that the program wouldn’t 

work until she let go of her anger. 

And the initial step of that breakthrough 

happened just days before 

Hope Restored, at a Christian women’s 

event Jayneen had avoided 

for years. Facedown on the floor, 

undone, she finally recognized—for 

the first time in years—what she’d 

known all along: God still loved her. 

He’d always loved her. 

In February 2017, Shawn and 

Jayneen arrived at the <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family Retreat Center in Branson, 

Missouri, to begin the Hope 

Restored program. Shawn says their 

counselors were tender and insightful, 

respectful and direct. He and 

Jayneen never once felt intimidated, 

nor were they made to feel bad 

about what they said. For the first 

time in forever, Shawn felt heard. 

“I understood why I am the way I 

am,” he says, “and how to overcome it.” 

Shawn also learned why his wife is 

the way she is, and that it was not his 

job to overcome this. Instead his role 

was to understand her and communicate 

effectively. 

They learned from the counselors; 

they learned from the other couples; 

and, finally, Shawn and Jayneen 

learned how to love themselves. They 

learned that everything doesn’t 

have to be perfect; they have the 

rest of their lives to get it right. They 

came home with tools and strategies 

and their “relationship treasure 

maps”—a pair of oversize Post-it 

Notes that they framed and hung in 

their living room. 

“Our relationship today is nightand-day 

different from before,” 

Jayneen says. “We don’t rely on each 

other to get our peace. We rely on 

Christ to give us peace.” 

Five months after attending Hope 

Restored, on Jayneen’s birthday, 

Shawn asked her to be his wife again. 

She was home for good. • 

18 



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cOuPlES / HOPE RESTORED 

4BY JEFF JOHNSTON 

reasons why 

we care about 

marriage 


EXPENDS A LOT OF TIME, 

energy and resources to save and 

strengthen marriages through our 

broadcasts, online tools, counselor 

calls, marriage intensive retreats and 

more. Why do we care so much about 

marriage? 

We care because God does. 

In Genesis 1, God created humans male 

and female in His image and likeness. He 

designed us to reflect His character—His 

goodness, strength, holiness, beauty and 

love. Genesis 2 builds on this, as God fash- 

1. 

ioned Eve from Adam’s side and united them 

in marriage. 

Those chapters are so important that Jesus 

cites them in Matthew 19:4-6 to teach that 

marriage is a lifelong union between husband 

and wife. Paul also pointed to these 

chapters in Ephesians 5:31, explaining that 

marriage depicts Christ’s relationship with 

His bride, the church. 

2. 

whose parents divorce or were never married 

A married mom and dad are 

best for children. 

Marriage isn’t just about two people who 

love each other. Research demonstrates that 

children with a married mom and dad have 

generally better outcomes than children 

in the first place. 

Mothers and fathers parent differently, 

offering unique benefits to their kids. 

Children raised by both parents in a healthy 

marriage are more successful in school, less 

likely to live in poverty, less likely to abuse 

drugs or alcohol and more likely to have successful 

marriages of their own. 

Marriage helps both 

men and women. 

According to sociologist Linda J. Waite and 

researcher Maggie Gallagher, married men 

and women have better physical and mental 

health and report higher levels of happiness 

3. 

and well-being. They live longer, healthier lives; 

recover from illness more quickly; and have lower 

rates of alcohol and substance abuse. As an additional 

bonus, they do better financially. 

Marriage is good for society. 

4. 

Marriage is good for society. 

The importance of marriage is seen most clearly 

when it unravels. In their report, “164 Reasons to 

Marry,” Pat Fagan, Anne Dougherty and Miriam 

McElvain write, “Marriage is the foundational relationship 

for all of society. All other relationships in 

society stem from the father-mother relationship.” 

In Sadly, addition they point to the out personal that fewer pain than caused half by of 

American the breakdown children of marriage, now reach all the of society age of 18 suffers. in an 

Poverty, intact family violence with and married crime parents. increase In when addition marriages 

to the personal fail or when pain parents caused never by the marry. breakdown of 

marriage, all of society suffers. Poverty, violence 

• 

Jeff Johnston is an issues analyst for <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

and crime increase when marriages fail or when 

parents never marry. • 

Jeff Johnston is an issues analyst for <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s The Daily 

Citizen provides timely analysis of 

breaking news and social issues. 

Learn more at TheDailyCitizen.org. 

20 



RESILIENCE / cOuPlES 

living one 

panel at a time 

how Jonny and carissa hawkins create a 

thriving marriage on a cartoonist’s income 

BY KAREN SCALF BOUCHARD / ILLUSTRATIONS BY JONNY HAWKINS 

BEFORE CARTOONIST 

JONNY HAWKINS MET 

CARISSA on a blind date, the 

friend who set them up told Carissa 

that Jonny was a writer. “He thought 

‘writer’ sounded more dignified than 

‘cartoonist,’ ” Jonny confesses with a 

laugh. He pauses for a beat. “I think 

that helped lure her to me.” 

Carissa says what really attracted 

her was Jonny’s heart. 

“He had no sense of style whatsoever,”she 

says of their first meeting. 

“The day we met, he was wearing 

what we now laugh at and call his 

‘grandpa pants.’ He doesn’t care 

about clothes. And when he meets 

people, he’s not judging what’s on 

the outside; he’s looking for the person 

inside. That attracted me.” 

Jonny’s unorthodox career 

didn’t derail their relationship. 

Apparently, neither did his grandpa 

pants, and the couple married a 

year later. 

In the coming months and years, 

however, they faced obstacles that 

could have wreaked havoc in even 

mature marriages: Jonny admits 

that the erratic income of a freelancer 

proved to be a hardship. To 

further complicate matters, Jonny 

and Carissa appear to be a classic 

case of opposites attract. 

“Jonny is very creative and spontaneous,” 

Carissa explains. “I’m 

creative and analytical. He’s optimistic 

and tends to see the positive, 

and I tend to see the negative.” 

There are, of course, benefits 

when couples have different 

strengths. Carissa says, “He’s kind 

and good and funny, and people are 

drawn to him. I’m more reserved. He 

draws me out, and I keep him from 

flying off. We balance each other.” 

Those differences also brought 

challenges to their marriage. >>> 


cOuPlES / RESILIENCE 

The life of a freelancer 

For as long as he can remember, 

Jonny wanted to be a cartoonist. 

When he was in sixth grade, a 

vacation Bible school teacher gave 

him a book—The World’s Greatest 

Collection of Clean Jokes by Bob 

Phillips—and added the inscription, 

“Maybe someday you can come up 

with jokes like this.” 

In college, Jonny started sending 

cartoons to magazines. He amassed 

dozens of rejections before selling a 

cartoon to Scripture Press for $15. 

By then he was hooked. Two years 

later he sold a cartoon to Leadership 

magazine. 

By the time Jonny met Carissa, 

he had established a modest flow 

of income by selling cartoons and 

drawing caricatures at craft festivals 

and carnivals. 

In many regards, Jonny and 

Carissa discovered they were a great 

team. Ministering together at a 

church camp, Carissa kept things 

organized while Jonny interacted 

with the kids. When Jonny drew caricatures 

at fairs and schools, Carissa 

managed the finances. Today Carissa 

continues to handle much of the 

minutiae of the business and helps 

with marketing, too. 

Financial stress, however, exacerbated 

their differences. 

Carissa adds, “Jonny’s a freelancer, 

so everything is speculative. He 

sends work out, and if it’s accepted, 

we get paid. As someone who is 

structured and likes to plan, this 

isn’t exactly what I pictured for 

myself. When we get a $30 sale, he’s 

grateful, and I’m rolling my eyes 

because there are $3,000 in bills 

that month.” 

When they see life through different 

lenses, Jonny often tells Carissa 

she needs to lighten up. She tells 

him he needs to “heavy down.” 

So how do they cope? 

Meeting with Jesus 

In the middle of their living room is 

a round leather ottoman. It’s a great 

place for TV remotes, snacks and 

stockinged feet. It’s also one of the 

places Jonny and Carissa regularly 

meet with Jesus. 

“When we pray together, it makes 

all the difference in the world,” Jonny 

says. “It softens our hearts and 

reminds us that, ultimately, our trust 

is in God, not in circumstances or 

even each other.” 

When they gather at the ottoman, 

Jonny and Carissa are often joined 

by their three kids—Nate, 21; Zach, 

19; Kara, 13—and their dog, Blue. 

“We always make a point to be 

thankful for all the little things,” 

Carissa adds. “Definitely, when 

we were younger, we did more 

complaining about things that 

aren’t—but as we grow, we find 

ourselves so grateful for the things 

that are.” 

22 



RESILIENCE / cOuPlES 

Date nights with a twist 

Another way Jonny and Carissa keep 

their marriage strong is by having 

date nights. But these date nights 

may be unlike any you might imagine. 

Jonny and Carissa begin the evening 

by driving 20 minutes into 

town and eating dinner together at a 

restaurant. Then Carissa drops Jonny 

off at a bookstore while she shops or 

runs errands. When she’s done, she 

hangs out with her husband for a bit 

at the bookstore, and then they chat 

about their separate evenings on the 

drive home. 

One of the challenges of working 

together from home, they explain, is 

that you’re always together. 

The change of pace is rejuvenating. 

“Our date nights give us a little 

time to process life on our own,” 

Carissa says. “And then we always 

have great conversations on the 

drive home. He’ll say, ‘Guess who I 

ran into.’ (He’s so gregarious. He’s 

always running into someone we 

know.) And we share stories.” 

God’s faithfulness 

Carissa and Jonny agree that 

remembering how God has taken 

care of their family for 23 years 

empowers them to trust Him for 

the future. 

“When you go through tough 

times, it’s easy to think, We’ll never 

get through this,” Carissa admits. 

“And one day you realize things 

have changed. Sometimes you can’t 

pinpoint exactly how God brought 

you through it, but you realize that 

He did.” 

She’s also grateful that when 

things were really hard, she and 

Jonny were too poor to split up. “We 

had to stick together. I remember 

wanting to get in the car and leave, 

and then thinking, I can’t drive 

away—this is our only car!” 

She laughs at the memory and 

then gets serious again. 

“Look, we have family and friends 

whose marriages and families have 

been ripped apart. And sometimes 

I think, Could you have waited one 

more day? because I know God can 

bring good things and changes that 

you don’t think are possible.” 

Jonny shares Carissa’s reliance on 

God. His favorite verse is James 4:8. 

“Draw near to God, and he will draw 

near to you.” 

He says that when he starts to 

waver, gets distracted or feels impatient, 

he returns to that verse, and it 

keeps him grounded. 

Persistence in cartooning 

The list of publications and organizations 

that have run Jonny’s 

cartoons is impressive: Woman’s 

World, Leadership magazine, 

Reader’s Digest, The Wall Street 

Journal, and the American Heart 

Association, as well as 76 “Chicken 


cOuPlES / RESILIENCE 

Soup for the Soul” books. In addition, 

Jonny’s Cartoon-a-Day calendars 

have sold more than 1 million copies. 

In 2001, Jonny found a copy of one 

of Bob Phillips’ joke books at a flea 

market and wrote to the author. In 

the letter he shared how he’d been 

given one of Phillips’ books as a 

sixth grader. The two men have since 

written nine books together, including 

The Hilarious Book of Heavenly 

Humor and Laughter From the 

Pearly Gates. 

Where does Jonny get all his ideas? 

Sometimes he doesn’t look far from 

home. When son Nate was 3, he 

showed Jonny a broken crayon and 

said, “Daddy, my crayon needs a new 

battery!” Jonny turned it into a cartoon 

and sold it to Woman’s World. 

Still, it takes persistence to break 

into each new market. Jonny began 

submitting cartoons to The Wall 

Street Journal in the 1990s. He 

received his first check from them 

on his birthday in 2020. 

For Jonny and Carissa, their marriage 

and his career have taken a lot 

of God’s grace, intentionality and 

teamwork. Despite their differences, 

their commitment to pray, play and 

work together has made a world of 

difference for this couple. 

As Carissa says, “Our similarities 

may not be obvious on the surface, 

but they are deep in our hearts.” • 

Karen Scalf bouchard is an award-winning 

freelance writer and editor who lives in 

colorado Springs, colorado. 

24 



Faith & Inspiration 

CREDIT BLACKDAY TK / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

trusting God in 

dreary places 

Spiritual insights from 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Middle east 

BY SAMI YACOUB 

ELIJAH WAS BURNED OUT, completely 

exhausted, and Queen Jezebel had just threatened 

his life. Elijah told God, “The people of Israel have 

forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, 

and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, 

even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take 

it away” (1 Kings 19:10). He was scared and felt 

alone. It was time to quit. 

Christians can find themselves in similar dreary 

places where we have no control over our circumstances. 

In the midst of stress and faulty 

introspection, we may believe we’re not making a 

difference. Like Elijah, we may conclude that we 

have no value and should just give up. 

When we feel this way, we must remember that 

God doesn’t always allow His servants to see the 

results of their work. He may do so, but when He 

doesn’t, He wants us to walk by faith. When we 

walk only by sight, we lose the ability to trust God. 

But when we trust in His plan for our lives, His 

words will not be in vain (Isaiah 55:11). 

The Lord responded to Elijah in 1 Kings. He 

didn’t speak through the mighty power of nature 

but rather in a whisper. His quiet voice reminded 

Elijah that He was still in control. 

During difficult times, I remember how God 

has shown up for me and my family. Like millions 

around the world, we have faced tremendous 

challenges in our lives, ministry and work. But 

God has provided for our needs during these 

times. That helps me to realize what it means to 

walk by faith, recognizing that my sufficiency 

comes from the Lord. 

God is still God, and He is in control. Knowing 

that, I don’t fear what the future holds. Instead, I 

open my heart and ask, “What would You like me 

to do next?” I hope you will ask that question for 

yourself, too. • 

Sami yacoub is the regional director for <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Middle east. read more about this ministry on page 32. 


FaITH & INSPIRaTION / MENTAL HEALTH 

How I Found 

Beauty in the 

Browns 

Relying on God to carry the 

burden of depression 

BY PAUL ASAY 

26 


February / March 2021 

PIERRE VINCENT / STOCK.ADOBE.COM

MENTAL HEALTH / FaITH & INSPIRaTION 

ONE THANKSGIVING when 

I was a kid, my dad wanted to go 

for a walk through a vacant mile of 

scrub oak near my grandma’s house 

in Alamosa, Colorado. It was pretty 

cold outside, so my sister and I dutifully 

pulled on sweaters and hats 

and followed him into the winter air. 

I don’t think I’d ever seen a landscape 

look quite so scrubby and 

lifeless. We trudged through thin 

brush under skeletal elms and cottonwoods. 

We poked through trash 

and explored the rusted ruins of an 

old construction project. And then 

my dad stopped and looked around. 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” he said. 

“Beautiful?” 

“Yeah,” Dad said. “Look at all these 

browns!” 

I remained unimpressed. To me, 

beauty in nature meant green and 

lush. Or green, at least. Brown was 

the color of dirt and grime, of dead 

leaves and other less pleasant things. 

But there is real beauty in those 

browns. Not beautiful like a colorful 

rain forest or a snowcapped 

mountain, but a subtle beauty that 

is just as rich. Shades and textures 

blend like mellow rivers of honey 

and earth. You see the architecture 

of trees, the graceful brushstrokes 

of grass. It’s a beauty that doesn’t 

translate well into Instagram pics, 

but it imprints itself somewhere 

inside you. 

I often think of that dreary landscape 

when I consider my journey 

through depression. Look at all 

these browns! Isn’t it beautiful? My 

depression has helped me see the 

beauty in the browns of life. 

Rediscovering 

the comforts 

Anyone who’s ever dealt with 

depression knows how hard it 

is to be thankful about anything. 

Depression is a wet blanket. It 

constantly smothers us, making 

gratitude nearly impossible to 

reach. 

And yet . . . I’m thankful for my 

depression. 

There are caveats. My depression 

isn’t as severe as what others might 

suffer. I’ve also learned ways to 

manage it—faith, prayer, an understanding 

wife, and a regular run. >>> 


SAFETY VIOLATION ZONE copy in this zone not safe per trim variance (.25 inch). Anything in this .25inch zone is not guaranteed safe from being trimmed off. 

NEW 

 

— from — 

Don’t let the 

darkness win. 

<strong>Focus</strong> 

Depression is real—and hiding 

it doesn’t lead to peace. But in 

Christ, there’s fullness! Beauty in 

the Browns will inspire you to 

learn to live with hope and find 

beauty in life. 

AD-FPO 

GET One IT AT Third 

Page 

Vertical 

TRIM: 

Do you suffer from depression? 

Does 2.58 a loved x one? 10.5 Paul inch Asay 

knows what it means to live as 

a Christian with depression. In 

telling his story of his journey 

and his son’s – with input from 

mental health professionals – 

Asay offers hope and practical 

help to those dealing with this 

issue, and those trying to help 

them. 

TM 

I’m also not saying I’ve ever 

enjoyed depression, that I miss the 

times when I’d lie around for weeks 

staring at nothing, feeling dead or 

wishing I was. Depression steals 

vibrancy from life, and as you crawl 

out of its smothering embrace, 

color returns only slowly. 

But if you look closely, you may 

start seeing the blessings that you’d 

never have seen without depression. 

You rediscover comfort. There 

was a time in my life when I stopped 

reading. I felt good about myself and 

didn’t need it. I rediscovered books 

when I needed them, in depression’s 

aftermath. Books now surround 

me like old friends. I know nothing 

about cooking, but one of my favorite 

things to do in the evening is flip 

on a cooking show and watch it with 

my wife, Wendy. 

Today, when my daughter, Emily, 

and I run through the scrub, through 

yellowed grass and bare trees, I 

sometimes say, “Look at these 

browns!” Mimicking my dad, I 

suppose, but also mocking myself. 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” 

And we agree it is. 

God’s quiet presence 

God’s apparent silence during 

depression’s nightmarish introspection 

is horrific. But when I crawl free 

of depression, even partly, I see that 

some of the terrible elements I’ve 

experienced can mellow into possible 

virtues. 

When I’m depressed, I obsess. 

When I’m not, depression gives me 

a better ability to reflect. When I’m 

depressed, I feel worthless. But then 

depression gives me a bit of humility 

and helps me be more realistic about 

my weaknesses. I’ve also learned the 

difference between loneliness and 

the quiet joy of being alone. What 

seems like God’s stony silence can 

actually be God’s quiet presence. 

God, give me the strength to carry 

this burden. That’s my prayer these 

days. Not for God to wipe depression 

clean away from me and make 

Order online at 

Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Store 

or call 1.800.661.9800

MENTAL HEALTH / FaITH & INSPIRaTION 

me “normal.” I pray instead for the 

strength—if and when it comes 

back—to deal with it. Because, 

honestly, and with a deep sense of 

irony, I feel closer to God because 

of my depression. 

It pushes me toward dependency. 

When I feel worthless and weak, I 

understand how much I must trust 

in Him to carry me through. As 

Peter told Jesus, where else would 

I go? No one else can save me. No 

one else can make me feel whole. I 

have no other hope but in God and 

His strength. 

A mysterious affliction 

For a Christian, depression is a vexing 

mystery. Is it borne of sin? Is it a lack of 

faith? And if it’s none of those things, 

what kind of God would have us be in 

this sort of pain and melancholy? 

I’ve come to realize that sometimes 

pain is a gift, that sadness and 

even suffering can be a positive if they 

make us stronger or help us grow. Our 

awful, sorrowful hurt can also be an 

instrument of healing. When we suffer 

and still believe, when we doubt and 

yet hope, we help illustrate another 

side of the Christian journey, one not 

often publicized in chipper praise 

music or inspirational talks—a journey 

walked among the browns. The 

browns of life are easily overlooked. 

But they’re strong, gentle, warm. 

I don’t know what depression is for 

me—a disease, a punishment, the 

“thorn in the flesh” the apostle Paul 

wrestled with (2 Corinthians 12:7- 

9). But I believe God works in my 

weakness. “His grace is sufficient.” 

When depression makes me feel 

empty, God can fill me with something 

better. 

I have no real assurances that 

“I’m all better now.” Maybe depression 

never fully goes away. As much 

as running and writing and friends 

and family and God have helped 

me through the days and years to 

stay relatively sane and hopeful, I’ve 

learned that depression loves its 

little surprises. 

But I’m not afraid of it. I’ve seen 

the face of depression. I’ve heard its 

lies and half-truths and nihilistic 

whispers. So I stare depression in 

the eye and live. Life is a gift—even 

when it doesn’t feel like it. 

There’s so much of our stories left 

to live. 

So even in the emptiness, I choose 

to live. • 

Paul asay is a movie reviewer for Plugged In 

and the author of many books. This article 

has been adapted from his book Beauty in 

the Browns, a <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family resource 

published by Tyndale house Publishers. all 

rights reserved. 

If you are suffering from depression 

If you or are know suffering someone from who depression 

is, consider or know talking someone to a who counselor. 

<strong>Focus</strong> talking on the to a Family counselor. offers 

is, 

consider 

a <strong>Focus</strong> one-time, the complimentary 

Family offers a onetime, 

complimentary from a Christian consultation 

consultation 

perspective. from a Christian To reach perspective. a licensed To 

or reach pastoral a registered counselor, counselor, call 

call 855-771-HELP 1-800-661-9800 (4357) weekdays 

between 68 a.m. and 84 p.m. 

Pacific Mountain time. time. 

GARYTOG / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 


FaITH & INSPIRaTION / TESTIMONY 

the freedom 

to doubt 

how charlotte Pence 

bond’s search led her to 

a vibrant faith in christ 

BY BENJAMIN HAWKINS 

charlotte Pence bond pictured above 

WALKING THE STREETS 

OF EASTERN JERUSALEM, 

21-year-old Charlotte Pence looked 

out across the Kidron Valley at the 

western slope of the Mount of Olives. 

Somewhere between 70,000 and 

150,000 rectangular graves, nearly 

stacked one upon another, lined the 

slope. As she viewed the sight, her 

Jewish travel guide, Roni, told her 

the Messiah was expected to arrive 

atop that mount. That’s why so many 

had been buried there. 

It was Charlotte’s first trip to 

Israel. She had joined her family for 

Christmas break after a semester at 

Oxford University in the fall of 2014. 

Since she was raised in a conservative 

Christian home, she knew the 

stories of Scripture. She knew that 

Christians said the Messiah, Jesus, 

had already stood on the Mount of 

Olives. There, He was betrayed and 

led away to His death on the Cross. 

There, He ascended into heaven, and 

will return to earth someday. 

Charlotte now believes these biblical 

truths herself. “My faith,” she 

says, “is definitely a big part of my 

life. That’s something I fall back on 

in times of struggle and [rely on] in 

good times, too.” 

Indeed, she depended on her 

faith in 2016 when she traveled the 

vice-presidential campaign trail 

with her parents, Mike and Karen 

Pence. She leaned on her faith in 

2017 when she met Henry Bond, 

whom she married December 2019. 

Their shared views on faith and life 

are a large part of what drew them 

together in the first place, she says. 

AMELIA CASSAR PHOTOGRAPHY 

30 



TESTIMONY / FaITH & INSPIRaTION 

But before she visited the Holy 

Land, and before she studied theology 

at Harvard Divinity School, 

Charlotte doubted her childhood 

faith and nearly left it behind. 

A love of reading 

When Charlotte was a young teenager, 

she gave her dad a small book 

for Father’s Day. On its cover she 

wrote “The Lessons You Have Taught 

Me.” Some of the advice listed in its 

pages was practical: “Lead by example” 

and “Anger does not inspire.” 

Other pieces of advice encouraged 

her to enjoy life: “Ride horses every 

chance you get.” Still others called 

her to faith in God: “The safest place 

to be is in the center of God’s will.” 

Seventh down on the list, Charlotte 

wrote one simple word: “Read.” 

“My dad definitely instilled in me 

a love of reading,” she says. Among 

Charlotte’s favorite books was C.S. 

Lewis’ “The Chronicles of Narnia.” 

Story times with her dad instilled in 

her a love for writing and storytelling, 

too, which have shaped her calling 

and her faith. “Reading and writing,” 

she says, “have always been ways 

that I feel connected with God.” 

Not afraid to seek 

Charlotte’s parents encouraged her 

to place her faith in Christ Jesus, 

but they never pushed her or her 

brother and sister to mindlessly 

imitate their own faith. 

“My parents really encouraged us 

to seek out answers for ourselves. 

They had a great way of showing 

us what their faith is and how they 

lived it out day by day,” Charlotte 

says. 

But they never discouraged honest 

doubt. They taught her that if 

she was honest with her questions, 

God would reveal himself to her. 

“One of my favorite stories in the 

Bible is about Thomas doubting 

Jesus,” she says, referring to John 

20:24-29. “I just love that story 

because Jesus doesn’t scold him. He 

just shows Thomas His hands.” 

Doubts began to grow in 

Charlotte’s mind after she entered 

college at Chicago’s DePaul 

University in 2012. She flirted with 

atheism and began to read the 

works of atheist writers. Her conflict 

with doubt culminated during her 

junior year of college in 2014, when 

she spent a year abroad studying 

at St. Catherine’s College, Oxford. 

Later, in her book Where You Go: 

Life Lessons From My Father, she 

wrote, “I was interested in other 

types of ideas, ones I had not been 

raised in. I stopped going to church 

and reading my Bible. 

“I think I still believed in God, but 

I wanted to try living without the 

burden of religious ideas,” she continued. 

“I thought my questions 

would go away or be answered. I 

thought maybe I would no longer 

care, and I would be able to live in 

an agnostic way. Maybe a part of me 

wished I could, but atheism didn’t 

answer any questions I had.” 

Then she remembered C.S. 

Lewis, who had been an atheist 

before placing his faith in Christ. 

She pored over his apologetic and 

theological works. “His writing 

explained Christianity in a compelling 

way, but it also helped me 

to allow myself to have questions 

. . . when I wasn’t sure if I believed 

Christianity.” 

But in the summer of 2014, 

before her junior year, Charlotte 

began to question a “free-thinking” 

mindset that abandoned faith. In 

Thought Catalog, an online magazine, 

she wrote, “If my free thought 

is free of magic and unexplainable 

forces and the abundance of love 

from something that is more than 

human, then I don’t want it.”She 

“ 

Let us not . . . 

LISTEN NOW! 

be afraid 

Join Jim Daly as he discusses 

family values with Mike Pence. 

tos 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Pence 

eek .“ 

encouraged curiosity about religion 

and concluded, “Let us not . . . be 

afraid to seek.” 

Flight toward faith 

During her trip to the Holy Land, 

Charlotte began to rediscover her 

faith. “I believe it was my time spent 

in Israel where I truly became a 

Christian, where my faith was solidified 

for me,” she later wrote. “No 

matter what religion a person in Israel 

might practice . . . they acknowledge 

the truth of the history of the Bible. 

They recognize the events took place.” 

A few months later, Charlotte asked 

God’s forgiveness and surrendered 

herself to Him. It happened suddenly, 

during a flight from England to the 

United States. As she sat on the plane, 

a Christian song from her playlist 

started to play, and she began to cry. 

“I’m not really a crier,” she says, “but 

I just started crying, and I felt this feeling 

of being welcomed back. That 

year, I had turned away from God, but 

He hadn’t left me.” 

In that moment, she discovered a 

new passion for Christ. “I remember 

reading my Bible with excitement 

for one of the first times in a long 

time,” she says. Because her parents 

had been so open with her about 

matters of faith, she shared her 

discoveries with them. And with 

shared excitement, they celebrated 

her newfound faith. • 

benjamin hawkins is a freelance writer and 

associate editor of The Pathway, the news 

journal of the Missouri baptist convention. 


FaITH & INSPIRaTION / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT 

a cHRISTIaN 

OuTREacH IN 

a MuSlIM laND 


East navigates the difficulties of 

ministering in a challenging culture 

BY SCOTT JOHNSON 

WHEN WE HEAR THE WORD EGYPT, most of us probably think of 

pyramids and pharaohs. It’s an ancient land with thousands of years of history, 

and it figures prominently in the Bible. 

In 2001 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Middle East opened its office in Cairo, joining a 

network of international associate offices supported by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family, U.S. 

Over the years, <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Middle East has expanded its efforts throughout 

the Arab world. In Egypt, a desert country that traces back to among the 

earliest civilizations, this small but dedicated group is on the cutting edge of living 

out biblical principles within a Muslim land. 

MAGANN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

32 



MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT / FaITH & INSPIRaTION 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Middle east 

General Manager remon Shohdy, 

right, appearing as a guest 

on a widely listened to radio 

program produced by the coptic 

Orthodox church 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Middle east regional Director Sami 

yacoub, center, with glasses, with refugees in erbil, Iraq 

at the annual cairo book Fair, both Muslims 

and christians get resources that have been 

translated into arabic. 

connecting with parents in alexandria, egypt 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY MIDDLE EAST 

“All sorts of family 

problems” 

Regional Director Sami Yacoub is a 

keenly gifted man who enthusiastically 

embraces the task at hand. “We are 

Christians by faith, living in a Muslim 

culture,” he says. “So we have to understand 

the impact of the Muslim culture 

on our Christian community.” 

Sami points to marriage as an 

example. “In the Muslim culture, 

men perceive women as inferior, as 

property—even as ‘defective’ in faith 

and in mind,” he explains. “With 

such a lack of teaching about how 

God wants family to be, there are all 

sorts of family problems.” 

The challenges families face in 

the Arab world are similar to what 

we experience in the West. Marital 

conflict and parenting struggles are 

universal. Issues involving homosexuality 

and suicide are on the rise. As 

technology expands, families must 

deal with such topics as pornography, 

media consumption and the excessive 

influence of social media. 


East works to address these issues 

by translating and adapting the 

best Christian resources available. 

Having gained the trust of Coptic 

Orthodox churches that comprise 

the majority of Egypt’s Christian 

population, over the last several 

years the team has received many 

invitations to present relationship 

seminars in those churches throughout 

Egypt. 

Several key programs have been 

crafted for the region. An Arabic 

translation of The Truth Project 

was launched in 2008 and remains 

highly popular with Coptic leaders. 

Adaptations of the No Apologies 

abstinence curriculum, the Drug 

Proof Your Kids seminar and the 

Raising Highly Capable Kids parenting 

course all consistently produce 

significant results. Most recently, the 

team expedited an Arabic version of 


PRODucTS & RESOuRcES 

Your generosity helps us develop life-changing, 

faith-based resources. Please consider including 

a donation with your purchase. 

RECONNECTED 

by Dr. GreG aND erIN SMaLLey 

When daily interactions between a 

husband and wife are crushed by 

the endless grind of work, chores, 

errands and car pool, even the most 

committed couple can feel like they’re 

living parallel lives. The Smalleys 

offer ways to rekindle the passionate, 

intimate, heart-to-heart connection 

between you and your spouse. 

ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY 

NO. 70: FINDING A WAY 

Mysteries lurk around every corner, 

and the citizens of Odyssey must 

arrive at the truth. Detective Polehaus 

investigates the mystery behind 

connie’s stolen car. emily Jones is 

falsely accused of a crime, but can 

she discover the real culprit? as truth 

comes to light, the people of Odyssey 

learn about trusting God, confronting 

fear and anticipating new beginnings. 

9 LIES THAT WILL 

DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE 

by rOberT PauL aND 

Dr. GreG SMaLLey 

Marriage experts robert Paul and 

Dr. Greg Smalley identify lies that our 

culture promotes about marriage and 

explain how those lies can destroy the 

bonds between a husband and wife. 

Then they offer the corresponding 

truths, which can strengthen 

marriages and even save the most 

troubled relationships. (Includes selfassessments.) 

NEW 

Mom, 

could you use a little 

encouragement? 

Get your daily dose of parenting 

insight and inspiration from 


Find these and other great resources at 

Store.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s Alive to Thrive suicideprevention 

training. These programs have found 

favor among Muslims dealing with such issues in 

their own households. 

Reaching out in love 

In addition to practical teaching, <strong>Focus</strong> Middle 

East works to tangibly meet humanitarian needs 

whenever possible. Since 2014 the team has provided 

aid to displaced Christian families in Iraq 

and refugees in Jordan. In 2015, the office was the 

catalyst for efforts to provide homes for the families 

of 21 Coptic Christians who were martyred by 

ISIS extremists. 

Recently, the team has been working to bring 

running water and basic sanitation to 300 impoverished 

families in Deir Gabal El-Teir, a struggling 

village in northern Egypt that has become a refuge 

for Coptic Christians fleeing persecution in other 

parts of the region. Team members are also assisting 

five Lebanese churches with their support of 

refugee families. 

Serious prayer 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Middle East bathes every 

effort in fervent prayer—from a major campaign 

to a simple video meeting. That’s a good reminder 

for all of us. 

“Prayer is a serious business,” Sami says. “And 

‘serious’ means that we do not force our plan—and 

the answer we expect—on God. We must be sensitive 

to see where and how God is answering our 

prayers in His way.” 

Sami and his co-workers value the participation 

of Christians worldwide in this serious business. 

“Please keep on praying for us,” he says. “And do 

not underestimate that God is taking your prayer 

seriously.” • 

Scott Johnson is a senior writer in the Ministry Values division at 


Learn more about <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s 

global outreach. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/GlobalOutreach 

34 

listen today at 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY February / March 2021 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio

Kids & Teens 

seeing my 

family as 

a priority 

a parenting tip from 

adrienne camp 

PHOTO COURTESY OF ADRIENNE CAMP 

Jeremy and adrienne camp pictured above 

WHEN I FIRST BECAME A 

MOM to Bella, I was eager to do 

something outside the house, but 

it seemed impossible. We were a 

part of a small church community 

in Lafayette, Indiana, at the time, 

where Jeremy’s parents pastor. There 

were so many needs at the church 

and so few people to fill them. One 

day I was talking to my mom-in-law, 

Teri, about these needs and how 

much I wanted to fill them, and yet I 

didn’t have the time or capacity to do 

so. She reminded me that there are 

seasons for everything. Just because 

there is a need doesn’t mean I have to 

be the one to fill it. I learned to focus 

on the things only I could fulfill— 

especially in motherhood. • 

adrienne camp is a South african singer and 

songwriter, and the wife of Jeremy camp, a 

Grammy nominated singer and songwriter. 

adapted with permission from In Unison by 

Jeremy and adrienne camp, published by 

harvest house Publishers, eugene, Oregon, 

97408. copyright © 2020 Jeremy and 

adrienne camp. HarvestHousePublishers.com 


36 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY February / March 2021

GRATITUDE / KIDS & TEENS 

How to help kids live 

faithfully in a land of plenty 

BY ASHLEY HALES / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA 

LAST SUMMER, my four kids 

and I headed to the ocean for a day 

at the beach. Instead of packing 

what felt like hundreds of snacks, 

I treated them to a fast-food meal. 

With three growing boys who order 

adult portions, along with me and 

my young daughter, I opted for getting 

only the sandwiches instead of 

the pricier combo meals. After all, 

we had our water bottles. 

As soon as I finished ordering, the 

complaining began: 

“Why don’t we ever get special 

drinks?” 

“What if we’re hungry later?” 

So as we waited for our food, we 

had a discussion in the drive-thru 

line. The drinks weren’t on the 

agenda; their grabby hearts were. 

While it would have been easier for 

me to talk about budget-line items 

and why the sandwiches-only restriction 

was a more prudent choice, we 

discussed gratitude instead. We 

talked about how good we have it, 

and we named what we had to be 

thankful for: God provides for our 

family, we’re healthy and we even get 

treats like a drive-thru meal on the 

way to spend the day at the beach. 

Left to their own devices, children 

can easily develop attitudes of entitlement 

that stem from living in a 

land of plenty. Our job as parents is 

to focus on instilling within our kids 

the pursuit of better things—including 

character traits that strengthen 

them to resist the constant pull and 

desire for more. Pursuing better 

things allows them to feel content 

with their lives, and character traits 

help them understand the Gospel— 

how it relates to them and how they 

can faithfully live it out both now 

and as they grow older. This means 

we equip them with tools for making 

wise choices and habits for connecting 

them to God. 

Asking hard questions 

To start, I let my kids know that it 

isn’t wrong to have nice things. God 

blesses His children with nice things 

all the time. But we must be careful 

that we don’t make accumulating 

and achieving material wealth our 

idols. Also, we need to take good 

care of the things God has entrusted 

to us, whether we’ve been given 

much or little. 

Entitlement can take root if we 

equate what we own or have access 

to as the way we (and our kids) find 

comfort and identity. That’s the difficult 

part about living in a land of 

plenty: We can accidentally train our 

kids to trust in idols and not in Christ. 

To disciple my children, I try to 

help them become more aware of 

and discerning about their wants 

versus their needs. They need sleep 

and food and exercise and obedience 

to those in authority over 

them. A lot of their other decisions 

in life are based on what they want. 

Remembering this is especially 

important when we talk about peer 

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As I shop with my children, for 

instance, I have an ongoing dialogue 

with them. “If you buy that water 

bottle, will you actually be healthier?” 

or “If we buy that T-shirt, will 

your classmates like you more?” 

Stating what is being advertised and 

training my children to tell me the 

message of what’s being sold helps 

them see the value of the object, not 

the expectation of the ad or the subtle 

pressure behind it to become 

someone they’re not. 

I also try to get my children to 

keep the following questions in 

mind as they work to understand 

what is behind their desires and 

decisions: 

• What is motivating me? 

• Why do I want to do this? 

• Why do I want this item? 

The more I engage in these kinds 

of discussions with my kids, the 

more likely they’ll consider these 

questions on their own when faced 

with decisions. 

Engaging in a faith 

community 

Every Sunday, my family is well 

prepared for the morning church 

service. We have bags packed with 

snacks, and coloring and origami 

books to help keep little hands 

busy. My children use these activities 

whether we listen online during 

church-building closures or in a 

church pew. Being part of a faith 

community that allows them this 

freedom is important in helping my 

kids engage with people from all 

walks of life. As these people share 

their testimonies and unique journeys 

with God, my children have the 

opportunity to keep their perspective 

on what is eternal. 

Praising God through song with 

others helps my children remember 

who God says we are. Their identity 

is more foundational than what they 

achieve or acquire. In worship, we 

remember how we all find our deepest 

identity in being God’s children. 

My husband and I also remind 

our older boys to stand and sing 

and recite the Lord’s Prayer with 

everyone. It might be easier to let 

them quietly do their activities, but 

we want to show them how to be 

participants, not simply consumers— 

even at church. We want them to 

know that faith is active, not passive. 

Parenting discipleship 

Spending time with our kids is a 

powerful way to shape and disciple 

them (Deuteronomy 6:7). So my 

husband and I use dinner, family 

walks and bedtime as touch points. 

Dinner is a time for us to encourage 

spiritual formation. The table is 

the place where we bring our day’s 

highs and lows, and have emotional 

temperature check-ins. It allows us to 

process feelings and failures in light 

of who Jesus says we are. One child 

will talk about feeling bored and sad, 

another will be quiet and not have

GRATITUDE / KIDS & TEENS 

LISTEN NOW! 

Ashley Hales identifies the idols of 

suburbia and describes how we can 

ensure that God is our top priority, 

along with His mission of sharing 

the Gospel with our neighbors. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/TooMuch 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio 

words for his feelings, and another 

will be grateful for her vegetable 

seeds sprouting in our planter. 

After dinner, we take a stroll 

through our neighborhood. This is a 

relaxed time in which we can learn 

more about our children’s lives. We 

might ask questions such as “What 

made you frustrated today?” “Where 

did you see God’s beauty?” or “What 

have you been reading in your Bible 

lately?” They also listen to us talk 

about what God is doing in our lives, 

what we’re dreaming about and what 

challenges we’re facing. 

Walking helps us really see our 

neighborhood, too. We can notice 

where people hang out and what 

our neighbors’ needs are so we can 

look for ways to serve those who live 

near us. 

At our children’s bedtime, my 

husband and I often take the opportunity 

to instill in our children a 

desire to seek God on their own. We 

challenge them to grow closer to 

God through daily prayers, Bible 

reading and age-appropriate devotions. 

Then they can tell us what 

they’ve learned each night. 

Practicing hospitality 

Affluence can pull our kids toward 

becoming so self-absorbed that they 

neglect to consider how they can 

meet other people’s needs, which 

is an important part of loving our 

neighbor (Matthew 22:39). For 

my family, the dinner table is our 

primary way to love our neighbors. 

Jesus not only walked everywhere—teaching, 

preaching and 

healing—but He also spent a lot of 

time sharing a meal with others. 

When we host guests in our home, 

we intentionally include our children 

in the preparations. Their 

chores may include cleaning, cooking 

and even being social. These 

hospitable contributions require the 

sacrifice of time and go against the 

grain of an acquire-more-and-thinkonly-of-your-needs 

culture. 

Hospitality is about giving up 

some of our comforts and conveniences 

to make someone else feel 

welcomed and cared for. We are 

teaching our kids how to sit and chat 

with a new family from church or a 

neighbor stopping by for a visit. 

While we’re gathered around the 

table, we’re able to naturally share 

the Good News of Jesus as a part 

of being in relationship with people. 

This practice helps our kids 

understand the ebb and flow of conversation, 

what it takes to develop 

relationships and even how to have 

empathy for others as they tell us 

about their lives. When we practice 

hospitality, we show our kids that 

relationships are important. 

When a new family moved in 

across the street last summer, I 

was pleased to see that our kids 

were the first to extend hospitality. 

They included the new child in 

their skateboarding adventures 

and invited him to play tag and 

climb trees. 

And when they said, “Hey, Mom, 

our new neighbors are outside,” I 

put down the dishes I was washing, 

followed my kids’ lead and made 

my way outside to get to know them. 

Because of these actions, I was able 

to develop a bond with our neighbors 

as we smiled at our children’s 

antics and began the process of getting 

to know each other. 

Finding your family’s focus 

Life is found not in the doing or having 

but in the being—with Jesus, 

with each other at church, as a family 

and with neighbors. Even as we 

practice living faithfully in a land 

of plenty, the Spirit of God is going 

to show up and teach our kids better 

than we ever could. But it starts 

with preparing them for not getting 

all they want at a fast-food restaurant 

and then not getting angry at 

them for their reaction. Instead, it 

becomes another teaching moment 

in family discipleship. 

The Bible is clear that our deepest 

identity is as beloved children of 

God (John 1:12). And that is more 

than enough. True riches will only 

come to our kids if they know who 

they are in Christ and respond to 

what He wants them to do in the 

lives of others. • 

ashley hales is the author of Finding Holy in 

the Suburbs: Living faithfully in the land of too 

much. 


KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY 

Lisa harper and her 

daughter, Missy 

understanding when 

kids need to talk 

Take the time to help your children 

process worry, grief and loss 

BY LISA HARPER 

AMY CONNER PHOTOGRAPHY 

40 



INTENTIONALITY / KIDS & TEENS 

WHEN I WAS 10, my dad remarried and moved 

us out of the city to begin his dream of becoming a 

rancher. As his new ranch hand, I loved helping him 

with the work and caring for our farm animals. 

One summer, one of our cows died before weaning 

her calf. I was thrilled to bottle-feed the orphaned 

farm animal, and I spent every moment I could tending 

to the black calf I’d named Inky. He followed me 

around like an oversized puppy. He slept outside the 

house, curled up with the dogs who’d accepted him 

into their circle. 

When Dad said it was time to assimilate Inky into 

the herd, I cried, insisting that he didn’t know how to 

be a cow anymore. He’d become part of our family. But 

Dad gently persisted, saying we had to do what was 

best for Inky. 

One night, a pack of wild dogs attacked our herd. The 

next morning, Dad delivered the news that Inky had 

been killed. I was devastated. 

While I was still grieving, my stepmother announced 

in an irritated huff that she was so sick of hearing 

me carry on over a “stupid cow.” I was 11, and it was 

the first time I recognized a stark truth about life and 

death: Grief is an isolating emotion. Despair puts 

uneasy distance between the heartbroken and the 

observers—especially when the heartbroken are children 

and the observers are parents. 

A listening presence 

Because the pandemic hit everyone’s world with such 

loss and upheaval, I’ve become more intentional about 

combating the isolation and grief in my 11-year-old 

daughter’s life. Often that means I’m just there to listen. 

I’ve aimed to create regular time and space for my 

daughter to talk about her concerns. Like many children, 

Missy rarely offers up her deepest thoughts and feelings, 

so this often takes creative coaxing. I usually get the 

conversation going by asking questions I’ve adapted 

from a prayer modeled by Ignatius, a bishop of the first 

century church in Antioch. 

LISTEN NOW! 

God used the Book of Job to teach Lisa Harper how to 

find joy in the middle of challenging circumstances. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Harper 


1. When did your heart feel God 

the most today? 

2. What would you like to thank 

God for today? 

3. What are your “roses” (happy 

moments/highlights) from 

today? 

4. What are your “thorns” (sad, 

scary or difficult moments) 

from today? 

5. How do you need God to help 

you tomorrow? 

These conversations are always the highlight of 

my day. Sometimes Missy is chatty, and other times 

she doesn’t have much to share. But it’s during these 

times that I often discover where the shadows of fear 

are—those shadows that lurk in the corners of my 

daughter’s heart. 

She’s worried about getting extremely sick again, 

as she was as a young girl in Haiti, and so she has 

requested to sleep in my room because I’m able 

to detect a fever before it gets too high. She’s worried 

about our finances, since my work as a traveling 

Bible teacher has been reduced during the pandemic, 

and so she tells me she doesn’t need birthday presents 

this year. She sees the news and is worried that 

armed protesters might come to burn our house 

down or kill her dogs. She’s worried that her beloved 

Aunt Fifi will die before we can return to Haiti to visit 

her. (Aunt Fifi is the saint of a woman who cared for 

Missy after her first mama died of AIDS, which left 

Missy infected with HIV and caused her to be stigmatized 

in their rural village.) >>> 


KIDS & TEENS / INTENTIONALITY 

My daughter spent the first four 

years of her life battling deadly 

illnesses, food scarcity and the 

soul-crushing environment of an 

impoverished orphanage. But the 

pandemic and societal unrest seem 

to have shaken her foundation 

more. Or they have highlighted 

cracks that were already there, 

according to my counselor friends. 

Whatever the case, I’m determined 

to give my daughter the 

time, space, support and listening 

ear she needs to process her concerns, 

because keeping them secret 

only gives them room to grow and 

increases their potential to damage 

her innocent mind. 

The reality of grief 

A child may be grieving over something 

that seems inconsequential to 

an adult, but the emotions are still 

powerful for the child. I’ll never forget 

what a dear friend’s 13-year-old 

son said to her after a breakup when 

she tried gently explaining that his 

brief relationship with his middle 

school girlfriend was just “puppy 

love.” He was quiet and respectful 

throughout her monologue, but 

when she finished, his eyes welled 

up with tears. “Well, Mom, it sure 

feels real to this puppy,” he said. 

When my stepmother callously 

referred to Inky as a “stupid cow,” 

she was technically correct. Bovine 

creatures don’t have nearly as high of 

an intellectual capacity as humans. 

However, she had an inability to recognize 

that I had a real bond with that 

calf, and therefore my grief was real. 

We’d be hard-pressed to find anyone 

else in human history who 

walked the narrow aisles of pain, feeling 

more alone than Job did. Before 

the prologue of his story is even finished, 

he’s lost almost everyone who 

really mattered to him—except for 

a few so-called friends and his wife, 

who was more salt-for-his-wounds 

than a comfort. 

Unfortunately, much like my stepmother, 

after a week of listening to 

Job, these friends reached the end 

of their empathy rope and revealed 

their distaste for his honest despair. 

The spirit of what they preached was 

off because they were insensitive to 

Job’s very real, very personal relationship 

with God. 

I don’t want to be like Job’s friends 

as I raise my daughter to manage the 

grief and turmoil this world dishes 

out. Now’s the time for us to be especially 

sensitive to our children. To 

sit on the proverbial ash heaps of 

what they’ve lost—school schedules, 

sports, playdates, relationships with 

grandparents—and truly listen while 

they lament. Both our presence and 

empathy are surely two of the most 

powerful gifts we can offer. • 

Lisa harper holds a Master of Theological 

Studies degree from covenant Theological 

Seminary in St. Louis. She’s authored a dozen 

books including Life and Job Bible Study 

Book: A story of unlikely joy. 

If your children are having difficulty coping with grief, we can help. Contact 

If your children are having difficulty coping with grief, we can help. Contact 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada for prayer and counselling support, as well as 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain 

resource recommendations, Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. 

time) at 855-771-HELP or help@<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com. 

(Pacific time) at 1-800-661-9800 or email help@fotf.ca. 

42 



ADAPTABILITY / KIDS & TEENS 

Do your kids feel the 

pressure to please you? 

BY JEANNIE CUNNION 

RANTA IMAGES / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

I RECENTLY OVERHEARD TWO MOTHERS 

lamenting about the pressure their children had recently been 

under during the college application process. One woman said, 

“I’m so glad my daughter got into the college of my . . . oops, I 

mean, her choice.” 

They both giggled, and my heart broke for the pressure I 

imagined this teen must have felt. But then God invited me to 

look at what undue pressure my own children might be feeling 

because of me. Ouch. 

Most teenagers report high stress levels. One reason is that 

our children are linking accomplishments to acceptance, success 

to significance. Through their performance on the field, at 

school and in their social lives, they’re asking, Am I enough? 

They want to know if they’re living up to the expectations of 

their parents and of God. 

Unfortunately, they believe they have to excel at everything, 

which leaves them terrified to reveal their inadequacies and 

insecurities. Instead, they hide behind the best version of themselves—often 

a fake, polished social-media version. 

As one youth worker (and mother) shared with me, teens 

today believe their behavior makes them more or less lovable to 

their parents. Kids then link their good and bad behavior to how 

God feels about them. Her youth group, she explained, is full of 

kids who never feel “good enough,” and they feel anxious as a 

result. 

In response to these patterns, parents of anxious teens often 

feel helpless, questioning their own parenting decisions. Their 

confidence suffers as they try to help their kids navigate the battles 

they have to fight, the mountains they have to climb. Have 

I done too much? Have I not done enough? Am I helping or hurting 

my child? 

How can parents help their teens cope with a pressure-filled 

world without being a source of undue pressure themselves? 

Here are a few ideas to consider as you work to release your 


KIDS & TEENS / ADAPTABILITY 

LISTEN NOW! 

Jeannie Cunnion talks about what 

it means to be a grace-based mom. 


<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/ 

GraceBasedMom 

children from unnecessary 

pressures: 

Set an example. If we want to 

raise kids who find freedom from 

the pressure to get it all right in 

order to be loved, we must first find 

freedom from that pressure to get 

it all right as parents. We must seek 

God’s wisdom and direction, choosing 

to trust Him with the children 

He has entrusted to us. 

While we play a major role in our 

teens’ lives, God is the Good Father. 

We are significant, but God is sovereign. 

It’s only in embracing this 

truth that we are freed up as parents 

to help our kids embrace the Good 

News for themselves. 

Spend time on other things. 

Enjoy quality time with your children 

in a way that doesn’t focus on 

performance. Go out for ice cream. 

Explore nature. Take a road trip. 

Leave space for relationship with 

your teens where they have nothing 

to do but be themselves. We want 

our kids to feel what we ourselves 

long to feel: safe to take off their 

masks and let down their guard. 

Celebrate your unique teen. Be 

better at noticing things. Praise 

your teen for her unique personality 

and character qualities, such 

as kindness, thoughtfulness or a 

sense of humor. Our teens long for 

acceptance and unconditional love. 

Noticing who God has designed 

your teen to be—and making an 

intentional and ongoing effort to 

tell her—imparts value and security. 

Make time for rest. We live in a 

fast-paced society where activities 

can easily fill in any margin we have 

as a family. This causes stress that 

teens aren’t wired to absorb. The 

Bible talks a lot about rest as a gift 

from God (Matthew 11:28). Honor 

this need by making downtime a 

priority. This may mean skipping 

out on a sport or activity or scheduling 

some dedicated rest time each 

week. Taking a break allows our 

teens to see they have value apart 

from work and performance. 

Escape! When the internal and 

external voices whisper, You don’t 

measure up, we want our children 

to know deep in their souls that the 

only One who gets to define them 

is the One who created them and 

calls them beloved. Freedom springs 

from this truth. In God’s eyes, we 

are valuable because of what He has 

done for us in the person and work 

of Jesus Christ. 

Embracing that truth won’t 

always help our kids manage 

anxious times. But it is the only 

foundation capable of supporting a 

life of freedom from the exhausting 

quest to prove value through performance. 

The good news our kids 

need to hear is that whether they 

fail or succeed, obey or rebel, work 

or rest, God has given them everything 

they need to be “enough” in 

Him through Jesus. • 

Jeannie cunnion is the author of Parenting the 

Wholehearted Child and Mom Set Free. She is 

also a frequent speaker at women’s conferences 

and parenting events around the country. 

RANTA IMAGES / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

44 



HUMOR / KIDS & TEENS 

I got played by 

a 3-year-old 

. . . and he was brilliant 

BY VICKI BAHR 

MEGANBETTERIDGE / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

I WAS WATCHING our 3-yearold 

grandson, Adler, while his mom 

and dad were working on “his” new 

house. Surrounding us were moving 

boxes and stacks of clothing. 

Adler showed me a plastic grocery 

bag filled with an unlikely assortment 

of dinosaurs, an octopus, a 

squid, something that looked like 

Godzilla and a random ocelot. 

We lined up the creatures on the 

coffee table, marched them over 

mountains made of T-shirts, pretended 

they were drinking at a lake 

made out of a paper plate and held 

pretend wrestling matches to see 

which one was the strongest. 

Godzilla won. 

The conflict 

When we were done, Adler was ready 

to play restaurant. 

“Let’s pick up the dinosaurs first,” I 

suggested. “We’re going to need the 

table for your restaurant food.” 

“No, we won’t,” he argued, ready to 

move on to the next adventure. 

“The dinosaurs need to go back 

into their bag for the night,” I said. 

“I heard that Miss Ashley said you are 

the best picker-upper at school. And 

the fastest.” 

There was a glint in his eye. “I am,” 

he said as he ran into the kitchen. 

“But the dinosaurs don’t have a bag 

anymore. It’s in the trash can now, 

and it’s all icky.” 

Game on 

I’ve raised four children, taught 

preschoolers and outwitted more 

toddlers than I can count. 

“That’s OK,” I said. “I have a better 

bag in my purse. How about I pick 

up the ocelot, and you pick up the 

squid? Isn’t there a song you sing to 

help with toy pickup?” 

That got his attention! “Two minutes 

to pick up toys, pick up toys, 

pick up toys. One minute to pick 

up toys . . .” we sang loudly, but all 

of a sudden the song turned into 

a rousing rendition of “The ants 

go marching one by one,” and he 

marched back and forth over the 

many dinosaurs still on the floor. 

The twist 

“That was great!” I said. “Let’s put the 

dinosaurs to bed now.” 

“But they need a bedtime story,” he 

said. Of course they did. And they 

got one. Goodnight Moon. 

“Now they’re ready to go to sleep, 

Grandma, but they need a goodnight 

kiss,” he said. “I’ll cook you a 

pizza just the way you like it at my 

restaurant while you put them to 

bed.” 

The kid is good; I’ll give him that. 

He even told his mom the next 

morning that I did a really good job 

of picking up the dinosaurs, and he 

was really proud of me. • 

Vicki bahr loves to play with words. her 

husband, four children and their spouses, 

and nine grandchildren consistently provide 

inspiration to make those words come to life. 


FaMIly / MY THRIVING FAMILY 

Indoor 

Forts 

Rory, 3, Hattie, 7 months, and 

Fletcher (hidden ninja), 5 

creative fort building with baby gates, a twoby-four, 

sheet and pull string camping lights. 

—Carlee from Colorado 

Sophia, 13, Sadie, 6, and Scotlyn 8 

you can’t keep these sisters boxed in 

unless it’s a box fort! 

—Rebecca from North Carolina 

Alyssa, 7, and Wyatt, 10 

a homemade behind-the-couch fort wellsupplied 

with books, snacks and pillows! 

—Autumn from Texas 

Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on 

the Family magazine! 

email photos* of your child’s silly outfits or playing in the snow. 

(Put “silly outfits” or “snow fun” in the subject line.) 

Send to <strong>Focus</strong>Magazine@family.org. 

info@fotf.ca. 

* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted 

46 



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