24 Seven January 2021

January 2021 Issue
Feeling a Little Sour?
Drop Tart Tone
Written by Rick Hanson, PhD
I remember times I felt frazzled or aggravated and then
said something with an edge to it that just wasn’t necessary
or useful. Sometimes it was the words themselves: such as
absolutes like “never” or always,” or over-the-top phrases
like “you’re such a flake” or “that was stupid.” More often
it was the intonation in my voice, a harsh vibe or look,
interrupting, or a certain intensity in my body. However, I
did it, the people on the receiving end usually looked like
they’d just sucked a lemon. This is what I mean by tart tone.
People are more sensitive to tone than to the explicit
content of spoken or written language. To paraphrase
the poet Maya Angelou, people will forget what you said,
but they’ll remember how you made them feel. And we
are particularly reactive to negative tone, due to the
negativity bias in the brain.
Consequently, tart tone hurts others. This is bad
enough, but it also often triggers others to react in ways
that harm you and others.
On the other hand, paying attention to tone puts you
more in touch with yourself, because you have to be
aware of what’s building inside, which also promotes
mindfulness and builds up its neural substrates.
Containing negative tone prompts you to open to and deal
with any underlying stress, hurt, anger. It reduces the
chance that the other person will avoid dealing with what
you say by shifting attention to how you say it. Cleaning
up your style of expression puts you in a stronger position
to ask people to do the same, or to act better toward you in
other ways.As a proverb says, “Getting angry with others is
like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get
burned.” Much the same could be said about throwing tart
tone.
How?
Shifting your tone doesn’t mean becoming sugary,
saccharine, or phony. Nor does it mean walking on eggshells,
becoming a doormat, or muzzling yourself. Actually, when
people shift away from being snippy, curt, snarky, derisive, or
contentious, they usually become stronger communicators.
They’re now more grounded, more dignified when they
bring up something. They haven’t squandered interpersonal
capital on the short-term gratifications of harsh tone.
Sometimes people are tart with each other in playful ways,
and that’s OK. But keep watching to see how it’s landing on
the other person.
Be mindful of what’s called “priming”: feeling already
mistreated or annoyed irritated – or already in a critical
frame of mind. Little things can land on this priming
like a match on a pile of firecrackers, setting them off.
Maybe simply take a break (e.g., bathroom, meal, shower,
run, gardening, TV) to clear away some or all of the
priming. And or try to deal with hurt, anger, or stress in a
straightforward way (if possible), rather than blowing off
steam with your tone.
Then, if you do in fact get triggered, notice what comes up
to say. If it’s critical, acerbic, cutting, etc., then slow down,
say nothing, or say something truly useful. Watch those eye
rolls or the sharp sigh that means “Duh-oh, that was kind
of dumb” (my wife has called me on both of these). Give a
little thought to your choice of words: could there be a way
to say what you want to say without pouring gasoline on the
fire? Look for words that are accurate, constructive, selfrespecting,
and get to the heart of the matter. Be especially
careful with an email; once you push the “send” button,
there is no getting it back, and the receiver can read your
message over and over again, plus share it with others.
If you do slip, clean it up as soon as possible – which
could be a minute after you say it. Sometimes it works to
explain – not justify or defend – the underlying reasons for
your tart tone (e.g., you’re fried and hungry and it’s been a
tough day) to put it in context. Take responsibility for your
tone and its impacts, and recommit to a clearer, cleaner,
more direct way of expressing yourself.
At the end of an interaction, you may not get the result
you want from the other person – but you can get the result
of self-respect and feeling that you did the best you could.
About The Author
RICK HANSON
Rick Hanson, PhD, is a psychologist, Senior Fellow of the Greater
Good Science Center at UYC Berkeley, and a New York Times bestselling
author. His books have been published in 29 languages and
include Neurodharma, Resilient, and Hardwiring Happiness.
To Learn More Visit:
www.RickHanson.net