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thr ough the r ooms, putting on lights. Inviting the war mth.
We hadn?t got a tr ee ? the thought of br inging pine into our home felt like a step too far ?
so I left the gift bag by the sofa for tomor r ow mor ning. I thought about r inging Steve to see
w hen he w ould be finished w ith w or k but I decided not to r ush the next few days. I could
hold onto the anticipation for a w hile longer.
I w ent into the kitchen and stopped. Something was out of place. A shape glinted fr om the
dr aining boar d by the sink and I couldn?t w or k out w hat it was. A deep, familiar dr ead
knotted itself in my gut. It told me not to put on the light.
?Steve??
I put on the light. It gr inned fr om dr ainer.
?What? ?
A bolt of r age punched out my chest at the cr uel joke. Of all the sur pr ises to plan, did he
r eally think this was ok?
?What the fuck.?
Except it wasn?t his sur pr ise. Raw eyes gr inned up fr om a neat r ow of per fect w hite teeth.
A r ictus w ithout lips, a mass of bloody flesh w ithout skin to shape it, contain it. The
impr ession of a nose r educed to small stud mar ks in bone. His face floated in the dir ty
dishwater , thr eads of r ed spr eading out acr oss cold suds. His empty face. The w or ld fell out
fr om under me. Mor e r ed spilled dow n the cupboar d door s, splashed the floor. Ther e was a
bloody palm-pr int on the chequer ed tiles.
?No, no no no? Steve!?
I shr ieked his name as my knees buckled to the floor. Wet, slipper y floor. Now I saw his
body cr umpled behind the kitchen table, shor ter than it should be.
?Steve!?
I scr eamed into the endless void that opened up befor e me, filling the flat w ith an ear thy
musk, w ith the r eek of damp, distur bed soil, r otting leaves, for gotten places litter ed w ith
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