24 Seven November 2020

fault, try to understand what
caused it, resolve to correct
it, act accordingly, and move
on. This is psychologically
healthy and morally
accountable. It’s another
matter entirely to grind on
yourself, to lambaste your
own character, to fasten on
the negative and ignore the
good in you, to find yourself
wanting – in other words,
to beat up yourself. This
excessive inner criticism
tears you down instead of
building your strengths;
it’s stressful and thus wears
on your mood, health, and
longevity.
Nor does beating up
yourself help others. Most
of the time, they don’t even
know you’re doing it, and if
they do, they usually wish
you’d stop it. Harsh selfcriticism
can also be a way to avoid feeling
genuine remorse, taking responsibility,
making amends for the past, and doing the
hard work of preventing the fault in the
future.
Further, the charges and scorn we throw at
ourselves are often based on nasty scoldings,
shamings, rejections, and humiliations
experienced as a child: bad enough that they
did this to you back then, and even worse that
you’re doing it to yourself today.
From The Story
“This excessive
inner criticism
tears you down
instead of
building your
strengths.”
fixations on the negative in the critical approach?
Let a real conviction form as to which approach
is better for you – and a real resolve to truly use
the one that’s best for you.
Then, when you find a fault in yourself – no
need to go looking, they appear on their own! –
really try to use the encouraging approach. Name
the fault to yourself and admit the facts of it
unreservedly. Open to any appropriate remorse.
Commit to skillful corrections for the future.
And then take a big breath and very
deliberately name to yourself three strengths or
virtues you have. Let the sense of them, and of
your natural goodness, sink in.
And then take another big breath and move on.
How to Stop Beating Yourself Up
Pick a small fault – such as being a few
minutes late, interrupting, or having too much
dessert – and then try on two approaches
about it. First, talk to yourself about it like
a supportive but no-nonsense friend, coach,
teacher, or therapist. Notice what this feels
like, and what the results are for you. Let’s call
this the encouraging approach. Second, talk to
yourself about it like an alarmed and intense
critic – maybe like your dad, big sister, or a
minister or teacher talked to you. What’s this
approach feel like, and what are its results?
Let the differences between approaches
sink in. How do you feel inside when you’re
“listening” to each one? What’s your sense of
the influences in your life that have created
each approach? What are the distortions or
About The Author
RICK HANSON, PHD
Rick Hanson, PhD, is a psychologist, Senior
Fellow of the Greater Good Science Center
at UYC Berkeley, and a New York Times bestselling
author. His books have been published
in 29 languages and include Neurodharma,
Resilient, and Hardwiring Happiness.
To Learn More Visit:
www.RickHanson.net