Domination & submission _ the BDSM relationship handbook ( PDFDrive )
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Domination & submission _ the BDSM relationship handbook ( PDFDrive )

alejandroheinricks
from alejandroheinricks More from this publisher
27.10.2020 Views

betrayed by the little dots at the ends of my sentences. I definitely learnedsomething about how my subconscious mind worked that day. Moreimportantly, I also learned that an observant and motivated partner can findhelpful lines of communication in even the tiniest details.Unstated Relationship RulesIf you don’t know what the rules are that govern your relationship, there’s apretty high probability that you won’t be following them. D/s relationships areoften all about the rules. Generally speaking, Dominants love to make them, andsubmissives love to be subject to them. When one or the other fails to fulfill hisor her responsibility in this regard, or steps outside the boundaries of what isexpected by the other partner, it usually doesn’t end well.The most difficult rules to follow in any relationship are the ones that no onetold you about. Being held accountable for something that you’re unaware of ismanifestly unfair. Unfortunately, there will always be things left unsaid becauseit is simply assumed that we know certain things, and understand theimplications of what we’re doing.One of the things typically assumed by practically everyone in the D/s lifestyleis the notion that Dominants, almost by definition, make the rules. If youconsider yourself a Dominant, yet are subject to a rule-set not of your ownmaking, I have bad news for you. Similarly, if you consider yourself asubmissive, yet are telling your Dominant what he should or shouldn’t be doing,thinking or feeling, then I have bad news for you, too. Here it is, the awful,unvarnished truth: You’re probably far more vanilla than you care to admit.The good news is, I’m told the survival rate for people with this condition isquite good.Role Drift, Role Abandonment, & Role ReversalWhen an individual is hardwired for dominance or submission, he is likely toremain so for as long as he lives. It is extremely rare for anyone to be able tochange these core personality traits in any meaningful or significant way. This isnot the case, however, for anyone who may be consciously or unconsciouslyacting out a role of Dominance or submission. In those cases, a D/s relationshipwhich is based on the assumption of a Dominant or submissive role by one orboth partners runs a high risk of falling victim to role drift, role abandonment, orrole reversal.

Role drift is what happens when a partner’s assumed role incrementally changesover time. It should come as no surprise to anyone that this sort of thinghappens in all kinds of relationships, not just in D/s related ones. The impact ofthis phenomenon is relatively more severe in D/s relationships for the simplereason that most D/s relationships exist primarily for the sake of theDominance/submission dynamic.Role drift can occur at either end of the D/s spectrum, and for a wide variety ofreasons. Quite often, it is a natural consequence of a person’s maturation or thesimple broadening of his horizons. It is fairly common and almost reasonablefor people to assume, for example, that just because they want to be Dominants,or because they happen to be particularly good at performing in a Dominantrole, then that’s what they are. Unfortunately, it ain’t necessarily so. Thesefolks would more accurately be described as Tops.A Top is a person who situationally or temporarily assumes a Dominant role asappropriate for BDSM scenes, specific relationship or sexual partners, or simplyas the mood strikes him. A Top may, in fact, be very, very good at what he does,which is assuming a Dominant role. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that hefinds lasting joy or fulfillment in it. Perhaps he assumes the role of a Top toplease his partner. Perhaps he continues doing it simply because he is very goodat it, and it’s really nice to be good at something. Or, perhaps he does it in anearnest effort to discover his inner Dominant. Whatever the reason, it ultimatelycomes down to this: It is something he does, and not necessarily who he is. It isa role, and eventually, all roles become tedious. Once fulfilling his role startsfeeling like work, it’s only a matter of time and opportunity before the inevitableprocess of role drift begins.Bottoms are equally as susceptible to role drift, and for essentially the samereasons, with one notable exception. Subs and bottoms both depend on theirDominants and Tops to act like Dominants. That means they are expected tomake important decision, handle problems, and generally provide for the wantsand needs of their subs. When they fail to fulfill these obligations, it isn’t as ifthose needs just go away. Obviously, someone has to do it, and that usuallymeans the submissive must take up the slack. Over the course of many months,or perhaps even years, the submissive’s cherished role is whittled away bit by bituntil one day, she suddenly wakes up to the realization that she somehow endedup in a place where she never wanted to be. She’s in charge.

betrayed by the little dots at the ends of my sentences. I definitely learned

something about how my subconscious mind worked that day. More

importantly, I also learned that an observant and motivated partner can find

helpful lines of communication in even the tiniest details.

Unstated Relationship Rules

If you don’t know what the rules are that govern your relationship, there’s a

pretty high probability that you won’t be following them. D/s relationships are

often all about the rules. Generally speaking, Dominants love to make them, and

submissives love to be subject to them. When one or the other fails to fulfill his

or her responsibility in this regard, or steps outside the boundaries of what is

expected by the other partner, it usually doesn’t end well.

The most difficult rules to follow in any relationship are the ones that no one

told you about. Being held accountable for something that you’re unaware of is

manifestly unfair. Unfortunately, there will always be things left unsaid because

it is simply assumed that we know certain things, and understand the

implications of what we’re doing.

One of the things typically assumed by practically everyone in the D/s lifestyle

is the notion that Dominants, almost by definition, make the rules. If you

consider yourself a Dominant, yet are subject to a rule-set not of your own

making, I have bad news for you. Similarly, if you consider yourself a

submissive, yet are telling your Dominant what he should or shouldn’t be doing,

thinking or feeling, then I have bad news for you, too. Here it is, the awful,

unvarnished truth: You’re probably far more vanilla than you care to admit.

The good news is, I’m told the survival rate for people with this condition is

quite good.

Role Drift, Role Abandonment, & Role Reversal

When an individual is hardwired for dominance or submission, he is likely to

remain so for as long as he lives. It is extremely rare for anyone to be able to

change these core personality traits in any meaningful or significant way. This is

not the case, however, for anyone who may be consciously or unconsciously

acting out a role of Dominance or submission. In those cases, a D/s relationship

which is based on the assumption of a Dominant or submissive role by one or

both partners runs a high risk of falling victim to role drift, role abandonment, or

role reversal.

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