Domination & submission _ the BDSM relationship handbook ( PDFDrive )

members of the household before you move in.
Scorekeeping. One of the most enduring myths concerning polyamorous
relationships is the notion that everyone should be treated equally. It’s even
more curious that many of the people who perpetuate that myth just happen to be
the very same people who want to be appreciated and recognized for their own
unique qualities and contributions to the relationship. How does one recognize
an individual’s unique qualities, yet still treat everyone exactly the same? Any
parent with more than one child knows that equity is always an issue that must
be dealt with, when it comes to sibling rivalry. The solution typically involves
treating everyone fairly and equitably, even if they are not treated exactly the
same. Unfortunately, the adults in a polyamorous relationship can sometimes
behave like children, by engaging in scorekeeping. Scorekeeping occurs when
you feel cheated because another person in the relationship appears to be getting
more time, sex, gifts, or attention than you are. Keeping a tally of the days,
hours or even minutes one partner spends with another, compulsively tracking
expenditures, and attempting to quantify enjoyment are all manifestations of
scorekeeping. Imagine a partner who claims, “Yes, I know you spent all day
with me, and only an hour with her, but I still got cheated because you enjoyed
your time with her more.” Obviously, there can be no effective rational response
to an irrational anxiety. Author Erica Jong probably said it best when she wrote,
“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.”
Odd-One-Out Syndrome. We live in a predominantly monogamous society
and, as a result, our environment tends to be structured in ways that support that
paradigm. Think about it. Our cars have one driver’s seat, one passenger seat,
and a back seat. Free-standing restaurant tables are set up for two, four, or more
chairs. Booths typically allow two people to sit side-by-side, while the third
must sit across the table. You can buy a double bed, but not a triple bed; larger
sizes are called queen and king-sized, as if only royalty are allowed to have poly
sleeping arrangements.
Polygamous marriage is still illegal in most western cultures, so only one poly
partner gets to be the “real” spouse, while others are relegated to being mere
cohabitants. The list goes on and on, but you get the idea. Someone is always
forced to be the odd one out, and this can often become a sore spot if it is not
recognized and dealt with effectively. It may be useful to discourage
competition and rivalry for those coveted number two seats by implementing a