Domination & submission _ the BDSM relationship handbook ( PDFDrive )
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Domination & submission _ the BDSM relationship handbook ( PDFDrive )

alejandroheinricks
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27.10.2020 Views

Chapter 1: The DominantWhat is a Dominant?Just as we might expect any reasonable discussion of the solar system to focusfirst upon our sun, we’re going to begin our examination ofDomination/submission (D/s) relationships by taking a look at the self-appointedcenter of the D/s universe, the Dominant. In any relationship, it is always theinterplay of personalities that helps us to understand the true nature of therelationship dynamic at work. It isn’t so much about what happens inside oftheir heads, as it is about what happens between the partners in the relationship.This is very much the case in a D/s relationship, where the true expression ofone’s core personality is enhanced by a partner who not only understands it, butencourages it and thrives upon it. After all, it’s hard to be a leader without afollower, and vice-versa.In this chapter, we will explore the part that the Dominant plays in this littlewaltz. Some of the questions we’ll address are: What is a Dominant? Whatdrives a Dominant? How does someone know if he or she is a Dominant? Howdoes one approach, or please a Dominant? What are the risks and drawbacks ofbeing a Dominant, or being involved with one? We’ll discuss those, and otherrelevant questions, because at the risk of appearing to contradict what I’ve justsaid in the preceding paragraph, it is important to understand what is going oninside of a Dominant’s head as a precursor to understanding what occursbetween a Dominant and his or her submissive.Knowing a Dominant’s heart and mind can often be a difficult thing. ADominant, generally speaking, does not appreciate being psychoanalyzed,categorized, or labeled. The reason can be simply stated thusly: Scientiapotentia est. Knowledge is power. For a Dominant, life is all about power, inone form or another. It needn’t always be about power over other people.Sometimes, it can be as simple as the power to control or change his own lifecircumstances, to alter his environment, or to choose his own path.If you really want to learn about a person’s true character, the part of him thatstays safely tucked away from view most of the time, just give him a little

power. There is no faster, nor more accurate way to see what lies buried beneaththe public veneer. You’ve no doubt seen what happens to petty bureaucrats whenthey’re given just a little bit of power. Various university psychologicalexperiments have shown that when individuals are given the power toanonymously administer electrical shocks to another individual, they quicklybecome increasingly and surprisingly cruel in doing so. Just imagine what canhappen when someone is handed absolute power over another human being. Theresults are often not very pretty.How does one avoid that ugly and potentially dangerous possibility? One wayis to learn the difference between a true Dominant and a pretender. A pretenderis someone who is simply infatuated with the notion that having absolute powerover another human being for the first time in his miserable, powerless life mightbe really cool. If you’re a submissive who would prefer to avoid becoming anunwitting part of someone’s tragically warped, doomed-from-the-start psychosocialexperiment, avoid the pretenders.Before we go any further, let’s clarify some terminology.Throughout this book, I’ll often refer to a Dominant as “he” and a submissive as“she”. Please be assured that this is not the result of any gender bias, but simplya way to avoid the awkward and clunky “he or she” – or even worse, thegrammatically incorrect “they.” It is also done out of recognition that, in apurely statistical sense, Dominants are far more likely to be male, andsubmissives to be female. Additionally, society generally characterizesdominance and submission as male and female traits, respectively. I really amfully aware and appreciative of the many good people both in and out of thelifestyle who defy the stereotypes. I am a wordsmith, and my job is to connectwith an audience with a predominantly vanilla perspective. For those who maynot have heard the term used in this context before, vanilla is the word used bythose in the D/s lifestyle to describe those outside of it.You’ll also see me using the terms “true Dominant” or “true submissive.” Thiswill probably infuriate some folks, especially those who may be unsure orinsecure about their place on the Dominant-submissive spectrum. Pleaseremember that the great majority of people fall somewhere in the middle, with arather equitable mix of both Dominant and submissive tendencies and charactertraits. That’s perfectly normal and acceptable, even in this culture thatsometimes views normalcy as abhorrent. There’s no crime in being a lot like the

Chapter 1: The Dominant

What is a Dominant?

Just as we might expect any reasonable discussion of the solar system to focus

first upon our sun, we’re going to begin our examination of

Domination/submission (D/s) relationships by taking a look at the self-appointed

center of the D/s universe, the Dominant. In any relationship, it is always the

interplay of personalities that helps us to understand the true nature of the

relationship dynamic at work. It isn’t so much about what happens inside of

their heads, as it is about what happens between the partners in the relationship.

This is very much the case in a D/s relationship, where the true expression of

one’s core personality is enhanced by a partner who not only understands it, but

encourages it and thrives upon it. After all, it’s hard to be a leader without a

follower, and vice-versa.

In this chapter, we will explore the part that the Dominant plays in this little

waltz. Some of the questions we’ll address are: What is a Dominant? What

drives a Dominant? How does someone know if he or she is a Dominant? How

does one approach, or please a Dominant? What are the risks and drawbacks of

being a Dominant, or being involved with one? We’ll discuss those, and other

relevant questions, because at the risk of appearing to contradict what I’ve just

said in the preceding paragraph, it is important to understand what is going on

inside of a Dominant’s head as a precursor to understanding what occurs

between a Dominant and his or her submissive.

Knowing a Dominant’s heart and mind can often be a difficult thing. A

Dominant, generally speaking, does not appreciate being psychoanalyzed,

categorized, or labeled. The reason can be simply stated thusly: Scientia

potentia est. Knowledge is power. For a Dominant, life is all about power, in

one form or another. It needn’t always be about power over other people.

Sometimes, it can be as simple as the power to control or change his own life

circumstances, to alter his environment, or to choose his own path.

If you really want to learn about a person’s true character, the part of him that

stays safely tucked away from view most of the time, just give him a little

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