The Failings Of A Broken Rainbow by Mellonic

The Failings Of A Broken Rainbow

by Mellonic
Foreword
I remember how this book came to life, I had just got inspired and wrote a poem titled pathetic
which then served as the introduction to this book. I remember hitting my friend Phathuzuko Mbete
after I sent him and my friends a copy of the poem and told him how I just got a vision about a
book and wanted him to help me with the cover art and the name of the book as I was clueless as
how to name it, I never name my work and he's the one who's always responsible for my cover arts
and the name of my two recent books; BURNING INCENSE and OBLIVION which are a
compilation of poems I've written. Personally I was afraid to release this book in particular as it's
different from anything I've ever written before, it's a short 16 chapter story with words ranging from
900 to 1000 in each chapter which talks about a troubled kid lost in religion, loving and then losing.
I made it short on purpose for two reasons, one I'm not much of a novel writer and this being my
first official novel I wanted it to be a taste of what I could do and two I was afraid of the reception
and how I felt like it wasn't my best work till I edited it and fell in love with it once more. So I'd like to
thank Phathuzuko Mbete who made the cover and came up with the name, if it wasn't for him this
book wouldn't have such a bomb name and cover and I'd like to thank everyone who has read and
supported my work thus far, I promise to better my craft and to release more books in the future. I'd
like to also thank my friends who've been a constant pillar in my life and actually pushed me to
write and publish my work and I'd like to Thank God for blessing me so much. And also thank the
likes of, Nina Simone, Celine Dion, Lauryn Hill, Lea Michelle, Chloe x Halle, Taylor Swift and Tove
lo who I've referenced through out the book and who's music were a big factor in inspiring me to
continue writing this book, without their music I'm most sure it wouldn't have been as heartfelt as it
is now. So without further ado, here's my offering of The Failings Of A Broken Rainbow and hope
you enjoy it.
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This one is for the LGBTQ+ community who face struggles each day and can't even voice
out how they feel, this is for the dreamers who dream for a free land where they can
embrace their inner selves without living in fear, this is for the little boy, girl and non-binary
who still have to live in the closet because of families valuing religion over their own
children's lives, I hope one day you get the courage to break free from what ever toxic
environment you're in and break free from your cocoon and morph into the beautiful butterfly
you are and fly cause you're beautiful and loved no matter what society says and the mental
thoughts that weigh you down each day, just know that if no one has ever said I love you to
you then I am saying it now, I love you. This short story/novel is dedicated to you.

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Prologue
Pathetic
Chapter 1 – Argh Feels
Chapter 2 – I Am A Boy
Who Are You
Chapter 3 – Sweettalk My Heart
Chapter 4 – Here I Am
Chapter 5 – Like You
Chapter 6 – Devine Entity
Chapter 7 – Be Still
I Did It All For You
Chapter 8 – Foundation
Chapter 9 – Passion and Pain
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How Does It Feel
Chapter 10 – Cloud 9
One Night Only
Chapter 11 – Ferris Wheel
Chapter 12 – My Tears Ricochet
Chapter 13 – Lovers Never Die
I'm Used To It
Chapter 14 – Courage
Chapter 15 – Equally Lost
Chapter 16 – Little Black Bird
You Don't Even Know
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Prologue
"You know this is a safe space right and you can be free and say anything you want?"
I looked at the black haired woman in front of me with a black pen and a matching leather note
book. She was sited in a plush grey single couch fixing her black rimmed glasses, while I was
fixing the non existent wrinkles in my dull grey sweatpants, fiddling with the hem of my matching
grey sweater and looking at my dull worn out black converses.
"I... I... I don't know where to start," I said looking at the lack of colour in the room as if imitating my
soul, the dull faded green walls with her certificate in physiology right on top of the wall behind her
desk, a trash can in the corner with one or two papers littered inside, a brown oak desk with files
on top of it one piling on top of the other, probably with a file owning my name too.
"We can start at the beginning?" she said chucking a bit, I had an hour and half with her for three
times a week and this was my first time here. I don't even know her name even though I'm most
sure she told me. See, I always thought that therapy was for white people with a lot of money to
waste on people listening to their problems but I was wrong, it's for black people with moeny too,
and as much as I tell me parents that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine, really, I'm fine they
don't listen so here goes nothing.
I sigh as I look and at everywhere but her eyes "It all started because I was pathetic..."
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PATHETIC
P is for the way you're such a push over, you push your feelings
to the side
A is for the answer you can never find every time someone asks
you "are you fine"
T is for the emotions bottling up you want to spill like the tea your
friends spill when kiking but can't
H is for how well you can not be honest with yourself and
everybody else
E is for every lie you ever told and made them eat it after you
fattened up yourself first
T is for how tired you are but still wear that smile to work
everyday cause you're trying to be the number
1 employee of the month every month
I is for how you never think about yourself so that letter we pay no
mind
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and C is for all the tears you cried at night cause you knew how
pathetic you are
CHAPTER 1 – ARGH FEELS
There's no one in this world who understands you more than
yourself, there's nothing more deceiving than the mirror, a glass
reflection of what may seem to be you but is not. There's nothing
more frustrating than being afraid of voicing out your ow thoughts
because the one time you feel like yourself, you're told not to be.
They say be whatever you want to be and do what ever you want
to do but give you terms and conditions. They say they love you
unconditionally but still have conditions for that said love. Argh
feelings hurt more than when you stub your toe at the corner of a
desk cause what's physical may end but what's emotional leaves
a scar longer. A tug at the hurt that constricts your breathing, your
told to be free but when you fly they ask why do you want to fly
little black bird when your cage is right here, they say home is
where the heart is and not where your house and car is but what
if your heart is nowhere to be found, does that make you
homeless.
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Why does everything that makes you happy deemed to be death,
they claim to know death all to well but never have they ever seen
the Grim Reaper himself, they say they've buried a lot of young
bodies but don't realise that death is more than physical. To
breath doesn't mean to be alive because dreams die, hope plants
misery and faith holds you up to things that may seem real for a
moment but aren't so when they talk about death I tune them out
cause they know not what they are talking about.
It's hard being black and I'm not talking about the shootings and
the #tags that black lives matter but I'm talking about at home.
Black parents fight more for others than for their own children,
they say it's okay and accept other people first before their own
child and you know what’s harder than being black? Being gay
and look at me the two things society can deem unwanted at
times, a mixed breed I can say.
Depression, it's hard saying you have it and admit it to your family
because they'd say your an attention seeker so I kept quiet, I
don't know how long I've been stuck in the closet but I know each
and every fabric and can count the strands of wool of each and
every clothing I have. So I keep my head down as usual and eat
my feelings away as I gain weight and become thinner. Argh
feelings.
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So here I am, being the most dumbest person I can ever be, I
have a lot to tell so keep up, one I have a crush on my
homophobic not so friend but still slightly a friend-friend but still a
friend either way which is a major red flag, I was planning on
coming out which is nerve wrecking all on it's own but thought
against it and I just got blocked for confessing I have a thrush on
someone who is someone I know but don't know but still talk to
anyway and what is a thrush you ask? Well a thrush is basically a
I-want-you-to-snap-my-back-in-half-and-split-my-legs-apart-butlet's-not-date
type of stuff and well he just up and left me alone so
yeah this year will be a good one, I guess.
I'm still filling up a hole I have in my heart, a hole that's being
constantly dug unintentionally by the people around me. I've been
in denial for what may seem a long time in my life and I realized I
was gay in the seventh grade when I had a crush on this cute, hot
guy with a smirk that could make me faint in an instant, skin so
rough yet so soft at the same time that I made any and every
excuse to touch him but this is not about him so it seems
unnecessary to talk about him so we won't. All my life I had to
lock up my feelings because coming out meant I had to find a
new home which I'm not ready for yet. See I was raised in a not
so religious but still going to church on some Sundays church
going home till we went from not so religious to oh my gosh we're
now the pastors best friends and he's coming over to dinner so
practically coming out was not an option. I later became a church
singer, a church goer basically the perfect full round church boy,
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but no one is perfect and there were cracks in my wall till people
saw me before I saw myself and church became a burden more
than enjoyment as whispers turned to stares and to my dad telling
me to stop wearing tight jeans cause apparently they were the
gayest thing I could wear. So the hole in my heart was bigger
than the Kimberly hole and hurting was an everyday pill that I was
addicted to and crying was the salt water I used to swallow that
bitter pill. Till I went to high school and for once in my life I saw
me for me through friendships that opened my eyes and made
me the best version of me that I could be.
It was quiet sad how I went to be two different people at the same
time. I had to be the well known gay at home, happy whilst each
day I was hurting, dreading going home to be the mute perfect
church boy Bryce who never made mistakes, who wasn't even
gay, I had to move back and forth and with myself to fit the
setting. I always wondered how would it be if I was just allowed to
free and not trapped in the shackles of what would they think of
me.
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CHAPTER 2 – I AM A BOY
I am a boy.
I am a black boy.
I am a real boy soon to be a man.
I am man.
I kept repeating the same mantra my father told me each day in
the mirror.
"You won't look at any guys today no matter how hot they are, no
matter how annoyingly tempting they are and... argh, " I said to
myself flopping down on my double bed with a sigh. It was
hopeless, it was useless, I was hopeless and useless. How can
one unfeel what he feels. I've been told all my life that God
created only Adam and Eve and anything other than that is plainly
sin. A man kisses a woman everyday on TV but I can't help but
look at the guys lips and imagine myself instead of that woman, I
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can't help but think about myself running my hands all over his
abs as if I was running a marathon and taking my sweet time, I
can't help but imagine my hand and his fitted together like a
jigsaw puzzle and him saying sweet sweet nothings till I give in
and let him fulfil my deepest desires. I was 13 when I realised I
had the disease, the gay disease, the you're-going-to-hell-toburn-forever-and-ever
disease.
I was spoon fed and force fed church at a young age but of all
things forced my pastor was my favorite cause he was as open
minded as ever. He never judged and never discriminated but it
seemed like his congregation had a different agenda. I breezed
through high school as gay as the rainbow flag, had a best gay
friend and school was my escape from home. My parents still
don't know that I'm gay so I'd say I hide it very good. As queer
people we need safe spaces to be who we want to be and being
faraway from home was my safe space cause outside I was not
Bryce, I was Ms B and I was living my full fantasy but all dreams
come to an end and I had to go home and face my demons some
other times.
So I erased all thoughts about dating a guy but now here I am, 19
years old, mentally preparing myself to go and live in a house full
of 11 and yes I said ELEVEN male species meaning I'm the
twelfth, and as much as I am happy to leave home, Lord knows
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I'm not ready to die of blue balls cause hello I'm still a teenager
and I'm as horny as they come. I've never dated for all my 19
lives but that doesn't mean I haven't gotten around but it's been
two years now so I guess I'm more virgin than I ever was and
living with boys would surely test that solid gate.
I've had my well share of ups and downs and as much as sex is
all good and everything, there's nothing I crave more than love,
love so deep that the Nile is jealous, love so deep that when the
tides hit the shore and the breeze hits the air you feel nothing but
lightlessness because you feel at peace. There's nothing more I
crave than that beneath the skin. Beneath the pores and the
glands that formulate sweet when I'm about to met my crush.
Beneath the layers and layers of tissue that shed and regenerate
with each bruise, more than love, I crave acceptance from my
family and the urge to fight the constant demons in my mind
telling me I will never be enough, words that seem to overlap
each other each day teasing me, I'm part of the rainbow but my
mind is darker than the sky at night.
I sigh as these thoughts wounded the hallways of my sub
consciousness, I pack each pair of clothing as if packing and
tucking my emotions away, I'm a boy.
I repeat in my mind as I add a few clothing on top of each as if
piling the feelings I never share with anyone, I am a black boy, I
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say as I hold back the tears I never shed at home unless it's night
time. I am a real boy soon to be man. I say as I think back to
when my father told me to act the part, walk the part and leave
my foolish boyish ways behind but does that mean I should leave
my heart too, does that mean I should fold myself up and tuck me
into the suitcase too, I feel like a plastic bag drifting away with the
wind as I feel nothing packing my socks and shoes in another
suitcase. This is why I don't like going home, I lose my mind
more than ever and I go crazy not talking to anyone so this time
away will do me good. I am man, I say one more time looking to
see what I left behind, if not my realness. I look at the double bed
I share with my emotions playing tussle and turn each night with
dark sheets and two pillows, I look at the mirror that I stand and
dissect myself in each and everyday, the closet where I don't only
keep myself but my clothes too. Feelings are the pits, they literally
are the worst, and you know what hurts more than feeling once?
Feeling the same thing over and over and over again till it's a
ritual, till you know the exact time the feels will hit so you just wait
and countdown as the tears cascade on their own, playing a show
till the grand finale of sleep overpowers you as numbness takes
the nightshift and hits you like morphine. Home is where the heart
is they say, not where your house and car is, but where is my
home since my heart isn't here. I sigh and turn the lights off and
stand still, I'm naked but darkness clothes me
my eyes are wide open but you can't see that so I sigh one last
time and close the door and let my feet guide me towards the car.
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WHO ARE YOU
you lick your lips, you taste like years of being alone,
hands around your neck as a necklace
to hide the heavy breathing,
fruit too ripe from years of not knowing how to wait,
you're impatient
time has to think twice before hitting
twelve o’clock early cause you'll burst,
who are you...
you look everything like your father,
the way your skin is dark as night,
the way you always stay quiet and say nothing
but still be loud,
the way you walk and
carry yourself with pride,
but the difference is he had a sea full of girls
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while you have none,
you look like him
yet you're nothing alike,
if he still were here what do you think he'd be like...
you lick your lips, you taste like years of being alone,
you're impatient because no one told you how to wait
so you do before you think, impulsive....
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CHAPTER 3 – SWEETTALK MY HEART
Music.
It sweettalks my heart.
It's more than chords and instruments blended together, more
than vocal layering and relatable lyrics, it's a feeling on it's own,
it's a catalyst, it speeds up emotions and makes you feel so much
and none at the same time. You can be sad and listen to it and
feel better with time, you can be happy, listen to it and be happier
with time, music isn't all that but it's everything as it exists to
relate and be one with your soul.
I'm currently on the main road living home listening to my ear
phones and a playlist I made on Spotify. Music is chocolate come
to think of it, dark and sweet and melts right in your mouth
soaking your taste buds making them come alive and tingle.
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I remember being in an abyss, astral projecting; an intentional
out-of-body experience that assumes the existence of a soul or
consciousness called an "astral body" that is separate from the
physical body and capable of travelling outside it throughout the
universe. Looking at my body and hearing the heavy breathing
after my first ever panic attack, sweat becoming one with my
clothes that there was a mixture of my damp clothes and the
smell of fading cologne, my father was watching TV as I
remember vaguely the hissing of the screen and the high pitched
scream in my head, I was in an internal battle with my inner self,
overthought so much that my mind couldn't bare but to create
scenarios every five seconds, will I have no house to live in if I
come out, a hitch of breath in my throat, will I have to live in the
streets after I tell them I have the gay monster, a beating in my
heart faster than lighting as tears run down the hills of my cheeks
one two times fast, coating and soaking my mildly wet tee, I'm a
mess. I can't even talk to my parents about simple things. I'm a
mess. I can't bare the thought to leave my comfort zone cause I'm
not brave enough to be free. I'm a mess. I say to myself let me
wait a tiny bit till I'm out of here. I'm a mess. To live in fear is not
to live at all but to merely breathe. I'm a mess. So I take my
earphones and die with every lyric the artist sings. I'm only 18 but
I feel a thousand years old.
"I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free..." those are
the lyrics to a Lauryn Hill song I've had before and used to relate
to. When you're young the world is beautiful. When you're young
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you seem to be immortal. When you're young everything seems
right but growing up opens your eyes and everything goes from
daises to thorns. I opened my eyes to see the toxic environment
of my church because of the way that I am, as I grew up I felt
shocked to see myself naked and unclothed, is this how Eve felt
when she ate the forbidden fruit and had her eyes open, she felt
bare and as me naked and unprotected and as much as I was
naked my parents never noticed, never noticed my lack of interest
but when my weight shifted they said I was eating sin, well they
hit the nail on the coffin with that one. We were made to believe
that everything we don't know is sin so I sigh as I listen to this
Thai song I don't even understand but relate so deeply to. Like I
said music is more than words that rhyme or chords that move
ever so swiftly, it's a feeling so I'm lost in it right now as I near my
destination.
I've never been close to my parents, my dad to be specific, I was
always the awkward loner-secretly gay kid but had friends neither
the less but my parents where entirely another story. I was told to
respect them so much that respect was borderline fear so I
couldn't voice out my thoughts about anything at all, so sitting in a
car for four hours with a man who barely knows me was bound to
be awkward. Don't get me wrong I love him deeply but I just wish
he knew, I wish he knew what made me more than the blood we
share, I wish he knew all my fears and how they trigger them
without even knowing, communication is key but sometimes it's
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hard to communicate with people who think it's disrespectful to
speak out.
I was so lost in the feeling of music that I didn't realise the bus
had stopped and everyone was scurrying to get out. Each person
fighting a battle each on it's own but you wouldn't see that as
smiles are the aprons we wear everyday caused society never
allows you to be sad in peace even though they are the ones who
drive you into insanity, society is like that parent that says they'll
support you no matter what decision you take as long as that
decision is in the list of decisions they made for you .
I hail a taxi that will take me to my now new house for this year as
next year I'll be sure to get my own apartment. I can't help but
think how will my roommates be, will they be homophobic
because I came to college to be gayer than the LGBTQ flag and
no one will stop me, being far away from home is my haven and
Lord knows I need a break from these thoughts and I'm sure a
round or two will be sure to not only relive my sexual tension but
maybe ease my mind too. I look outside at the passing shadows
till the taxi stops right in front of my new house, I say and pay my
fair and leave. Here goes nothing. I won't be sad this time around,
I'm not home so let me wear my best smile and open the door
and find my room.
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CHAPTER 4 – HERE I AM
Living!!
Why is it so hard argh....
And you know what's more hard than living? Introductions, like
"Hello my name is Bryce and I'm a 19 year old homosexual, I love
long walks at the beach and all that gay stuff you see stereotyped
on TV..." like no I don't think I can. Argh, I flop down on my plush
mattress that is yet to be dressed, I look at my room and see that
it's pretty decent for two people, it has two beds each the same
size, single, like myself. There's a closet where I will not reside in
this time that is divided into two sections, one for me and one for
him with a set of equal drawers each side, the room is light in
colour, with a crème wall and white ceiling, his bed is made and
much more prettier than that of a males, his shoes lined neatly
beside the left side of his bed which was also near the window,
books cluttered at the shared mini reading spot where I will
unlikely spend my time moping around and complaining about
school.
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I stand up and fix the wrinkles in shirt, count slowly to three and
make the bed as if laying a foundation for my tears that will come
afterwards. See I am not the typical gay, not the outgoing gay, not
the I'm-into-Brittney-Spears-let's-kiki type of gay, I barely know
any Brittney songs but the popular ones. I'm more of let-mewallow-in-Netflix-and-Thai-bl-series,
the I can't-go-out-to-socialize
type of gay, the gay that wishes he has a cute roommate to
motivate me to look better each day to impress him even though
he will be straight, the yes-I-want-sex-but-too-shy-to-say-it type of
gay, the type of gay that hides his feelings through his award
wining smile, honestly I deserve an Emmy at the rate I'm so
happy on the outside that my heart is turned to stone and
everyone believes me, I deserve an Academy for best actor as
my parents never notice what's really happening, I deserve to
brand the phrase I'm fine cause I've used it so much that I now
believe it and the voices in my head deserve the award for best
supporting actors because they made me this way.
I sigh as I unload my clothes in the closet, arranging them by
colour as if arranging the way I am now supposed to feel. I
mentally dot down the feelings not to feel. 1. Do not be horny,
these are straight men
2. Do not think about home because your heart can't take it, each
actor has his downfall and
3. Do not crush.
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I say as I mentally dot them down. Time seems to fly by as the
door opens on it's own and a sihollute enters, I prepare the best
version of Ms B I can channel as I hear the footsteps getting
louder and louder till I hear breathing behind me, I turn around to
see a brown eyed boy with black thick hair and a friendly smile
drawn on his face. I see his mouth move up and down but my
mind acts slower when in close proximity with other male species,
especially good looking ones. He was not as hot as Channing
Tatum but he could split my body in half and I'd say thank you. I
blink once, twice, three times till I hear "If I knew you'd get blinded
at my handsomeness I would've brought you glasses," I blush
and look at my shoes embarrassed that he caught me looking at
him, he chuckles and smirks saying "I'm just kidding no need to
be a blushful Mary, my name is Brandon and I see your my new
roommate," he smiles and extends his hand, I shake it timidly and
reply "My name is Bryce and I guess you can now call me
roomie," I nervously say as I advert my eyes from his eyes. He
pats my head and looks at his side of the closet, "No need to be
tense bro, there are like 10 more guys you have to meet, so
consider me as your emotional support or do you want me to be
more than that," he winks looking at me as I gape at him, mouth
opening and closing like a fish out of the water with no words
coming out, did he just flirt with me, "And no I did not flirt yet," he
says with an amused smile as I ask dumbly, "I said that aloud
didn't I?". He smiles and nods his head, I bury my head in the
section of t-shirts as embarrassment overpowers me again. I look
up and see to see a swollem look at his face as he stares at my
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pride t-shirt with a box label gay ticked. Does this mean he's
homophobic, will he beat me up, do I need to find a new room, my
eyes hurriedly look around is frustration, he sighs and asks the
question I dread the most, yes I am out and about when I'm away
from home, but this is a big city and there are bigger homophobes
than small towns "Are you gay?" I nod my head and look down as
a single sigh speaking all the things my mind is telling me, he will
kick you out, he won't accept you, rolls out my mouth.
Unexpectedly I'm engulfed in a huge chest with a smell that's so
intoxicating my mind goes numb, Lord knows my many
weaknesses is a man that smells good, he proceeds to say, "I'm
an ally of the LGBTQ+, so no need to be sad, this is a safe
space," he smiles slowly and pats my shoulder. "This is my first
day here and I'm a mess thinking the worst wow," I laugh
humorlessly as I expected the worst. "Nah don't sweat it, I know
the struggles gay people face and I almost lost my brother to
ignorance but I'm bettering myself and as open as ever, so
whatever you need to say I'm here for you," He smiles and pulls
out a jacket from his closet, I return the smile and mutter a quick
thank you. "Enough of this mushy stuff, fix yourself up cause the
guys are downstairs and keen to meet the latest addition to the
gang, oh and tomorrow is the house warming party so yeah..." he
doesn't finish his sentence as his quickly distracted by his phone.
Gosh I can't believe I have to meet 10 guys and then go to a party
tomorrow, my unsocial self can't handle this much human contact
and to make matters worse I'm the worst at parties, I don't like
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alcohol and can only dance for 30 minutes then it's done for me,
party's bore me. I feel a hand tug at my shirt, "Come on dude,
let's meet the guys," I sigh as I let him drag me down the stairs.
CHAPTER 5 – LIKE YOU
There stood before me, perfectly sculptured beings by Gods own hands, it seemed as if he was
flexing when creating them as each had no flaw in sight, they scattered around the living room,
while I heard some voices in the kitchen, 6 pair of eyes looked in my direction as 2 more pairs got
out of the kitchen, gosh I hate being under the spot light, I shifted my weight on both my feet as
silence cut through the air, I felt goosebumps all over my body as Brandon spoke, "Sup losers,
listen up this is Bryce and he's my roommate, and yes he is gay so don't y'all dare pick on him or
you'll have me to deal with," I widen my eyes as he imitates a knife slicing through his throat, any
moment I'd be mad given that he just outted me but the feeling of joy over powered me as I have
never in my miserable homosexual life meet a heterosexual man that stood up for me, I look at
Brandon with pride in my eyes and he nods his head at me as a form of assurance while he holds
my eye contact as if holding my heart in his hand promising to never let it break, as I'm lost in the
deepness of his brown eyes I hear an awkward cough, "Well if you guys are done looking at each
other as if your saying goodbye, some of us would like to introduce themselves to the beautiful
m'lady," a brown skinned boy with fashionable eyewear tips his head at me, he's taller than me,
well they all seem to be taller than me as I look around. He extends his hand at me and warmth
mixed with softness immediately engulfs me, I wonder why guys have such soft hands while mine
are coarser than sand, "Call me by your name, " he says smirking in my direction, I rise an
eyebrow at him and ask "Did you just say the name of a gay movie?" He chuckles a bit and kisses
my hand, "well you see some of us have good taste when it comes to movies," I blush and pull my
hand away from his as a voice interrupts us. "Casper stop flirting with our new roommate, you may
be attractive but you know the rules no sleeping nor dating friends, don't mind him, my name is
Shawn and that's Casper," he says pointing to the guy that decided to give my hand a kiss and not
my lips, how rude of him. "And yes he's the bisexual one out of us and well, he has a reputation
among the girls and the guys," he says as Casper shushes him with a smack on the head as he
looks anywhere but me. I awkwardly smile as I say my name, Brandon introduces me to the rest of
the guys as Shawn and Casper bicker towards the kitchen.
"We have Terrence, Tony, Trevor, Clover, Ricky, Sam, August, and at that corner is Keegan," I
completely forget everyone else as I looked at the Adonis sitting on the couch not even sparing me
a glance, he had cheek bones of a Greek god that could cut steel, brows so shaped that I'd have to
26

tweeze mine a multiple of hours to get right, lips so plump and kissable that I can't stop but imagine
them in places all over my body, I felt my blood rushing to territories it should not as I feel a
growing discomfort in my pants, I gape at him as he stands up and walks right past me knocking
the wind right out of my chest, I stumble and hold my erratic beating heart as time seems to move
in slow motion, Brandon sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "Bryce, Keegan is a bit... how do
I put it..."
"hot headed,"
"Ignorant,"
"Hot," the guys finish for him and I can't help but agree with the hot factor cause he made room
temperature turn to a 100 degrees without even uttering a few words.
"He's not a bad guy but he doesn't quite understand the community. He doesn't bully anyone but
he never goes out of his way to help them either. So please steer clear of him as his not the best
around your kind," Brandon mumbles the last part awkwardly but I don't hear a word he says as my
mind replays forbidden tapes that consist of me and him in places that even fifty shades of grey
would put to shame. I nod my head and mutter a chorus some 'yeahs' and 'fines' as assurance that
I'm listening while I'm fangirling in the islands of imagination with Keegan diving deep into my
waters.
See I am a dreamer, an imagination machine and I am also partly horny, well full blown horny and
that I can't deny but would never say and I'm also male so it's in my blood to imagine sweaty
scenarios with the one I want and damn Keegan was a thrush, a crush, no, no, he was a daddy,
argh no he's... he's... he's my own Christian Grey and in my fantasy I'm the girl I never paid
attention to remember her name tied up while he has his ways with me. My jeans can't take it
anymore as my member bulges with each thought, I excuse myself and run upstairs but collide in a
hard chest and almost land in my butt but his hands steady me,
I look into the windows of the soul; his eyes as he stares intensely at me showing no emotion what
so ever, he stands still and doesn't utter a word while my heart is doing a drum solo, beater faster
than a hundred miles per minute, in my head he held me for years and years but in reality only 10
seconds and yes I was counting to calm myself down till he breaks the fog clattered window called
my mind, "Watch it, Fag," how original, I roll my eyes inside my head but say if I'm a fag then
smoke me here right now, he let goes of me and continues, "Look, I don't like you and I will never
like you, so let's not cross paths again okay? And we will not speak, okay," he then leaves me
standing there. I sigh and replay the only part of the conversation if I can call it that I remember
27

which is 'like you', I replay it on loop 'like you' it sounds so smooth, 'like you' I internally scream and
scurry to room to take a cold shower just to calm down before going down stairs to socialize. The
old me would cower away in a blanket fort with Netflix and some Dorito stains on my pajamas but
this is the new me and I need to over come the mini social anxiety I had.
CHAPTER 6 – DEVINE ENTITY
GOD.
I've always believed that there is a Devine entity above looking
down on me right now, protecting me and bring my manifestations
to life, I remember being ridiculed using the bible, people quoting
scriptures that say the gays will go to hell, promoting hate and
highlighting every sin we do but don't realise their own, I
remember a story where they wanted to stone a girl because of
her sins and Jesus said, If one of you hasn't committed one sin in
their life, let them cast the first stone, and they never did because
they knew they were filthy inside. My pastor always told me that
each sin is equivalent to the other and no sin is as greater than
the other as God sees us all as equal and thus judges us all the
same, so if they say I'm gay and that's a sin then they sin the
same as me but will never accept that because they ridicule those
who sin differently from them.
I sigh as I hear the soft snores of Brandon and lie on my stomach
and close my eyes and pray. Pray for guideness, pray for healing,
28

pray for a clear mind, pray to quench the thirst that my body has
from not shedding a tear today, pray for my mother and father
who I've respected all my life but feared more than life it's self,
pray for clearance cause these are trying times, pray for
deliverance from the demons in my mind, pray for true happiness
cause Lord knows I could use a genuine smile right now, pray for
love and most importantly pray for acceptance. I finish my prayer
and say grace as sleep over powers me. I sigh and turn to the
side with a weary heart, a worn out mind and a tired body.
In my dream I am falling, in my dream I am falling non stop and
this brings nostalgia as I was told that falling in a dream is signs
of growth, am I outgrowing my old self, are these feelings I feel
inside finally fading as I approach my twenties, I mean I'm 19
running for 20 next year, so does me falling mean I'll finally find
happiness? I don't know but right now I am falling as I hear what
sounds like my name being called, I hear the pitter patter of
raindrops coating my forehead as sweat now resides due to the
intense heat of the room, the voice gets louder and louder, till
BAM my bottom collides with the floor.
"Dude I've been calling you for like 30 seconds, " I hear Brandon
snickering at the state I'm in, I get up and rub my butt muttering
five more minutes. "It's literally 10:05 so get your behind up and
help us prepare for the party," I sigh and throw the pillow at his
29

direction. 10 AM is like 5 o’clock in the morning to people like me,
I can't wake up in the AMs I just can't. I sigh in triumph as I hear
silence and drift into a state of peace till I'm dragged out of bed
towards the door. "Brandon, you big oak, let go of me," I yell
annoyed, like seriously how does he expect me to face Keegan at
this state and at the mention of his name I straighten up and fix
myself. "Okay, okay, I'm up now stop, let me go and shower first."
He sighs but lets me go as I drag myself to the direction of the
bathroom with my toiletries in hand, I stop mid way as skin blocks
the door, sweat coats my forehead once more as I hear that voice
that turns my knees weak and my stomach rumble as a zoo
erupts, "Move," he says and just like that my mind drifts into a
territory I'm most familiar with when close to him but shake my
head and look him directly in the eyes, lost and mesmerized by
the shade of brown I've never seen, he smirks as he says the
corniest line known to ignorant man, "Take a picture, it lasts
longer," and as tempted as I was I almost unlocked my phone
and took an album right there and then but before I could say
anything he passes by me leaving me in a state of flusteredness
and longing, gosh I've never craved a human as I've did to him.
His soft skin with mine, his abs of steel with my coarse hands, his
broad chest that I'd lay in as my pillow, his- "Hey Bryce stop
daydreaming, some of us have to shower too," Shawn says
giving me a knowing look as I was caught in the act, I mutter a
sorry and dash inside to get my hormones in check.
30

I have a go to playlist on Spotify that sends me on a wave of
emotion and emotion till I'm washed up on some random island
that I like to call Daisy, each time in the shower I imagine myself
singing with an orchestra as the Titanic sinks but in this setting no
one dies because they had to be alive first to die so the emotions
sink instead, I see hurt at the tip of the second half of the boat
dangling there, despair tries to lift himself up as his feet touch the
ice cold water, anxiety is thrown and swished with the tides,
voices are screaming for me to take them with but in this island
we don't feel, we're numb. The pitter patter of water softens my
skin as it makes me reminisce when I was little. I was free to
dance in the rain, I was free to stumble in mud puddles before
stumbling in the boarder of gender, I was free to be wet and worry
about the cold later cause all that matter now was fun, I was free
to let the rain kiss me and not be judged cause with growth
comes too many responsibilities and a lot of stares to climb. So I
sing one more time in my make shift rain, it doesn't depend on the
season but it rains constantly, so in this moment I sing a
symphony, I sing for my little self and the Bryce I am today, I sing
cause I am in the Titanic sinking my emotions and drifting to my
island, cause rain may come and go but in the shower I can make
it rain a bit more longer than outside. I sing till I realise that the
sing ended and dry myself before exiting.
I stumble back as I see HIM looking at me with an unreadable
expression on his face, "Nice voice, too bad it had to be wasted
on you," he shifts the first foot followed by the next as he
31

intentionally bumps into me making my toiletry bag fall down, I
pick the pieces up and smile, he complimented me, does this
mean he secretly like me, I mean if this was a novel I'm sure he'd
be the homophobic closeted gay who secretly loves the
homosexual cute boy aka me but too bad it's real life but in my
fantasy he'd be my prince. I sigh and drag myself to my room to
get dressed.
32

CHAPTER 7 – BE STILL
"So Keegan said he'll take care of the booze right?" Terrence
asks Tony as I perk at the sound of my boo, gosh I'm so pathetic I
get chills each time I hear his name, I'm sure another Keegan
would arrive and I'd trade him for the one I have right now
because wow, just wow. I listen as they list each other duties and
continue eating my cereal till I hear my name in the list, "Bryce
will do the decorations right?" I almost choke on my Coco Pops
as I mutter a WHAT with wide open eyes? Do they expect me to
go out, as in the out of the side which is not inside, in my bed,
under the sheets, I mean I was wearing my I'm-not-goinganywhere-but-lazying-around
sweatpants which I'm sure had a
stain of pizza I ate the day before I came here and forgot to wash
because I'm lazy like that, which were a big no wait HUGE sign of
I'm not going anywhere but to my room, why are heterosexual
man not seeing that. "Guys, umh no, can I not go, I mean I'm in
my sweats and I'm not feeling like going out," I say looking around
the room.
33

"But..." Brandon starts but gets interrupted by Casper,
"Don't worry guys, I've got this no one can resist my charms,"
everyone groans as he checks his breath and walks smoothly
towards me, I cock an eyebrow at him amused as he leans
across the counter trying to look effortless but failing.
"So, what does a guys here have to do to get some help, a kiss
maybe?" He smirks slowly inching towards my face, I resist the
urge to laugh and ask "Do all the guys and girls fall for this?"
"YES!!!" The guys all say in unison and I laugh.
"Well, Casper as much as you're cute, sadly you're not my type," I
almost laugh as his face drops and the guys snicker, I inch closer
and closer till I whisper in his ear loud enough for everyone to
hear.
"But since I'm a nice guy, I'll take pity on you and let you bask in
my awesomeness as you accompany me, kay?" I whisper as the
tips of his ears turn red and smile sickeningly sweet standing up.
34

I quickly wash my dish and dash upstairs to change, change my
outfit and change my mood, right now I wasn't Bryce from a small
time, I was Ms B and out to play.
I am lazy. I'm not on power saving mode cause you have to have
power in order to save it and right now there is no power to save,
I am just tired.
"Casper are we done yet?" I ask taking a seat from the
excruciating pain I had of hanging up the thousand of steamers I
did.
"You only did a quarter of the wall and not even half, I'm the one
who did most of the job," he says taking a seat beside me, "Then
why does it feel I did the whole fricken house," I sigh wiping my
forehead where non existent sweat was. "If you give me a kiss, I'll
do all the work and maybe message the pain away," Casper said
leaning on my shoulder. "As much as that is tempting but I'll have
to pass, lets get this over and done with," I say smiling at his
pouting face. We stood up and literally spent the entire afternoon
moving furniture and hanging up streamers and everything people
who decorate do for a house warming party. I was so tired from
standing 30 minutes in that I sat down as the other boys who's
names I must've forgotten cause living with 10 other men does
that, being the boss lady that I am I ordered them around till
Keegan entered the door. I swear everything moved in slow
motion as I was now the creepy girl in the corner who fantasies
35

about the cute boy in a coming of age high school film, he looks
so effortless carrying a case of beer and balancing some more
cans of alcohol on his shoulders where he'd undoubtedly lift me
over if we'd have the time, he pass through me and I feel like a
train hit me as I stood still and experienced the after effects of the
high that was him and the intoxicating smell of his musk. I sigh
and collect myself, shake my head and pinch myself as the boys
look at me weirdly. "Get back to work, move, move, move," I clear
my throat embarrassed as they witnessed me sinfully lust after
Keegan and go upstairs to calm my beating heart cause a dose of
him does that to you.
36

I DID IT ALL FOR YOU
I did it all for you
I brushed my hair
thinking of when you'd run your hands through it,
I put on my new shirt
thinking about when you'd take it off,
kiss me deeply,
say I'm so soft,
hold me tightly,
forget me not
but the minute you saw me
my heart dropped cause you didn't say I was pretty
37

you said to me I was not
I thought I was beautiful
and you told me no
But I still did it all for you.
I did it all for you
the new perfume
the new shoes
but all you brought were
new issues
you smell too sweet issues
you'll never be like the magazine issues
so I take new tissues and
wash away these new tears
thinking how could you.
38

I'll do it all for you
till I learn to do it all for me...
CHAPTER 8 – FOUNDATION
I lay down the new clothes I bought as if layering the foundation
of the feelings I have to feel tonight, a new jean for the new feels I
have to feel, I have to let it all out just for one night.
When I was young, I felt immortal and not a day went by with a
struggle, I never struggled to come into terms with who I was
cause being in the moment was thee best time for me, I never
worried about my appearances and what to wear cause my
mother was there to give me everything I needed but now here I
am in front of a full length mirror looking at my appearance and
wondering what will he think of me. I had on a new shirt to
impress the guy that I'm sure didn't even like me, a new perfume
to smell oh so lovely, beating my face a natural beat to give me a
new radiant glow. He was good for me as far as my mind went,
he was a distraction from the thoughts that I used to have, he
wasn't mine but right now I'd pretend we were because he was
now my temporary fix and my last strand to sanity. I fixed my
39

cresless shirt with one last dab of foundation and sat there
looking at myself till a knock interrupted me.
"Yo Bryce people are starting to arrive, can you mind the door for
a bit while I get dressed?" Brandon asked and I breathed in and
out preparing myself to cocoon out of my shell, I yelled a fine and
went downstairs to face the silently judging eyes of the people
I've never met before.
The time now was 22H00 and the party was in full motion, sweaty
bodies littered the space where the couch once was as they
danced intoxicated without a care in the world, sloppy kisses here
and there, too drunk to comprehend the state they're in. I'm sitting
at the corner minding my business cause parties where never and
will never be my scene, I sigh as I think to what I could be
watching right now and get up towards the kitchen to pour myself
a drink. I don't drink alcohol much but I like the burn that Gin
leaves occasionally as it numbs down my insides.
I poured myself a shot as I felt eyes on my back, I turned around
to see a sea of people but not even one paying attention to me.
Was my mind starting to play games when I was letting loss for
one night, was I going insane from the lack of human contact that
I imagine eyes travelling around my body, undressing and eating
40

up my appearance? I shake my head as anxiety starts to
resurface, I pour myself a glass of coke and zombily walk towards
the back door, I mindlessly walk till I-
"Fuck, watch where you're going," my mind freezes as Keegan
looks at me with a fire blaze in his eyes and big dark stain on
what was once a white t-shirt
"I-I'm, I-,"
"You uhm what? WHAT?" he yelled as he gripped my hand
aggressively, his fingernails digging deep into my delicate skin,
"Keegan you're hurting me," tears started to well up inside my
eyes as fear clouds my vision and alcohol acting as a catalyst
fueling up my emotions. I've never been held so harshly by
someone who's homophobic, did this mean I was gonna get
punched because I'm used to slurs but physical altercation I'm not
ready for. I plead and begged as he navigated his way through
the crowd, moving swiftly up the stairs as bodies lay unconscious
due to the excessive amount of alcohol ingested inside, he
dragged me till we reached a door that he unlocked as he pushed
me inside and he looked at me.
I've seen films where homosexuals are beaten till they land in the
hospital, too scared to die they hide their bullies as a more than a
41

punch follows after you don't sew your mouth shut, thoughts of
why do we have to live in fear because of who we are arises but
silence a bit as I look around. The room is dark and the only
sound heard is him breathing through his nostrils and the muffled
music outside this door, I'm used to the darkness but I've never
felt this scared before, my heart's beating like a drum banged a
thousand times, my mind shutting down as he locks the door and
approaches me like a predator approaching his prey. I ready
myself for the first punch as his breathing increases and mine
hitched at the back of my throat. I take a step back as he takes a
step forward till I feel the edge of the bed bending my knees
making me fall head and back first with an oomph and a non stop
beat of the heart. I close my eyes reading myself for the impact
till he punches me softly on the lips with not a fist but a kiss, I
open my eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise as he climbs
me like a mountain and shifts all his weight on top of me, he tugs
my hair and I yelp in pain as he takes this in his advantage
exploring my mouth like a sailor exploring the sea and I'm frozen,
dumbstruck; a deer caught in headlights as I taste the mix of
strawberry vodka and light traces of nicotine.
He grunts and that snaps me back to reality as I kiss him back
slowly saying only for tonight let me have this fun. In a swift
moment he pulls his t-shirt over his head as I stare at his perfectly
sculptured body in awe. I've had fantasies about this moment but
never did I think they'd come true , this was better than any
fantasy that roamed my mind. His arms around my neck, his soft
42

kisses all over my face, my soft moans coating the air, his
growing member rubbing against mine as I arch my back in
pleasure, his hands caging me as if afraid I'd leave, his forehead
stuck with mine as I sigh in pleasure.
I've never done drugs before but this felt like pure ecstasy, his full
naked body melted with mine, underwear was clothing too much
as it now lay somewhere with the rest of our clothes, I closed my
eyes as I felt him move further and further down till I gripped the
shifts and rolled my eyes back in pleasure, if I were to die right
now I would be content cause my fantasy just became more than
real. He reignited the flame of our pleasure as he kissed me
passionately, flipping me over as if I was a piece of meat in a
grilling pan, he kissed me sensually and I kissed back with as
much soul as he inserted himself in slowly arching my back and
turning my head as pain and pleasure became a delightful mix
and in an instant we became one, in soul and in body, I gripped
the shits hard as his heavy panting and the rhythmic flow of his
thrusts filled the air, skin on skin as pain was a factor I felt none
and pleasure masked it and desire filled me more and more and
more till he slumped on top of me with a thud as I too reached my
climax, if this was a dream let me relive it one more time because
waking up would be to die.
43

CHAPTER 9 – PASSION AND PAIN
Passion and Pain taste the same when I'm weak. I hear the soft
nothings he whispered when I arched my back to the point that
seemed as if it might break, it was round three and he had yet to
stop but I wasn't complaining, I'm falling too fast as I hear the
murmurs of the good stuff he's saying to me till I black out due to
an overdose of morphine.
I woke up to an empty bed and the sound of nothingness filling
the air, everything that had happened seemed surreal but deep
down I knew that that was no dream. Pain coursed from my
behind and creeped to my neck and arms and legs and thighs till I
fell back down replaying the memories that I'll keep on loop the
whole day. He said I was his with a thousand kisses, he said not
to let anyone else touch me as he trailed his fingertips over the
top of my skin, he said he was sorry as he thrusted in faster and
harder and faster and more harder as passion blended the pain
44

till they both tasted the same, I sighed and fell too deep, they say
sex is a soul tie and now I knew I was a slave to him.
I had the best dream ever and the best sleep accompanied by it, I
have vivid images of everything that happened and the rounds
after rounds that followed. I never knew my body could be worked
like that. I rubbed my eyes as I lay alone in the black sheets of his
bed.
I got up and gathered my clothes as if gathering the courage to
face what was outside the door. Did I expect to wake up in his
arms, did I expect a good morning kiss and more accompanied by
it, did I expect him to open up cause it was just meaningless sex
or was it more? I asked myself as I finished wearing each item
like an armor caging my feelings. I'm naive and impulse, falling
too fast, I'm forgetful when it's blissful expecting what's not there
to appear but I needed to remind myself that this feeling of love
isn't home for me. I looked at the hallway expecting a mess but
surprised to see it clean, I limp and stumbled to my room and saw
Brandon on his bed.
"Last night was sick yo," he said excitedly looking at me, I smiled
and agreed with me with a corky voice that spent hours moaning
out Kegan’s name. I took my toiletries and readied myself to wash
45

away yesterday. I had no regrets, I did everything with a sober
mind, but where did this put us. Did I consider myself his and him
mine or what, I feel a headache coming due to the storm of over
thing and just let the water be my savior right now. It hits my skin
wrapping me around in it's heavy love, it's soft and rough just like
him, it's caring and gentle just like his touch, it's hot and cold just
like his moods. Argh, I can't believe he invaded my mind. I sigh
and think of nothing in particular as I continue scrubbing till I'm
sure new skin formed and wrapped a towel around my waist as if
wrapping my finger under the ribbons of the feelings I am feeling.
I exit and hurry to my room to see the shock of my life.
There he was, sitting in bed, looking at me hungrily as I was semi
nude with his markings on my chest and some going down
further, his jacket was put aside and his t-shirt a fine line between
the skin I touched and a mere fabric blocking it, I adverted my
eyes and looked down as he neared and his breath fanned my
face, he tilted my face towards him and uttered, "No one has to
know about last night, okay?" He says looking at me before
stealing a kiss and waking past me, "If you know what’s good for
you you'll keep quiet," he says and leaves leaving me touching
my lips and reliving his soft touch. I sigh and decide to rack my
brain later but right now get ahead of my schedule which included
wasting my life away in a pile of series, how exciting.
46

It has been a week since the party, it has been a week since I felt
his lips on mine and some teasing when no one was looking, it
has been a week buried under my sheets and hanging out with
boys except him, he's never home, I never see him, gosh I miss
the feel of his hands exploring my body, I know it was only once
but one time can be all it takes to feel more than just lust, it has
been a week since-
I stop my mind rambling as I see him in the courtyard of our
college, with his hands around HER, I know we only had sex but it
was a soul tie and to him I was tied so seeing him with someone
else broke my heart and she's pretty, brown golden skin,
gorgeous lips and legs as long as a runaway, if I was straight
maybe I'd feel something more than hurt and betrayal. He kissed
her as my heart sank, he feel the intensity of my stare as he
looked at me and smirked then dipped in further tasting her. It's
always the pretty girls cause pretty girls never get rejected, it's
always the pretty girls cause pretty girls never hear the words I'm
not interested, it's always the pretty girls because they have a set
of perfect A cups and I have a flat chest, it's always the pretty
girls because they have what I don't, HIM. I sigh shaking my head
and shed not even one tear outside as I cry inside, I'm fragile, I
should've told him. He kissed her on purpose and it hurts. I
walked away and headed home even though school was yet to
end. I arrived to the eerie silence house and headed up stairs as I
let the flood gates flow free, straight people are disgusting, I say
throwing myself on the bed, they have the freedom to love without
47

conviction, they have the freedom to take and take and take and
leaving nothing for us, they can hold hands and be deemed cute,
while when we hold hands we're shunned all at once. I silently let
the tears fall as I think about all the other queer people facing the
same fate as me, I sigh and look at the figure at the door. My
breathing stops as be rushes towards me in an instant.
"I.AM.NOT.GAY!" he yells right infront of my face. "I don't know
why I felt the urge to come home after I say you sad but it made
my heart break, I hate you for making me feel this way Bryce," he
says pacing the room. My feet move on their own accord till I face
him and put my arms around his waist. "What’s wrong with me?"
He mutters silently as he turns around and looks at me, his hand
passing right over my lips and his face is millicentimeters away
from me. I am dumb. I am foolish. I am useless cause I kissed
him before he did to me and in an instant he replied. This kiss
was desperate, this kiss was immediate and with this kiss I lead
him towards my bed. I am stupid cause I said the most stupid
thing anyone stupid can say "If I give you my heart do you
promise to keep it safe?". He looked up and replied "I am not
gay," but he continued to kiss me as if contradicting his previous
statement, he kisses me senseless till I give myself to him once
more.
"I'm not gay, but I'm willing to try something out with you, only if
we keep it on the down low," he said kissing my hands softly. I
smiled and looked up from his rock hard chest that acted as the
softest pillow I ever laid on.
48

"I'm willing to try if you meet me halfway," I lazily smile as he
starts kissing my lips, I respond but stop,
"Come on, everyone will be back any minute so let's get dressed,"
I said breaking our small bubble.
"We have an hour left so I think we can fit something in there," he
said looking at me lustfully, I swear I met a sex crazed monster as
I matched the speed of his kisses. If this was a dream, please
don't wake me up.
49

HOW DOES IT FEEL (INTERLUDE)
how does it feel
running all around in my mind
don't you get tired,
of crossing me everytime
50

cause i just can't get over you
CHAPTER 10 – CLOUD 9
It was everything I imagined and more, it was winter and summer
at the same time, a bittersweet taste that kept me hooked time
and time again, it was more than anything I wanted. He opened
up to me in ways I never thought he could, he was funny and
sexy, I was quiet and awkward, he was what the girls wanted but
what I had. It was hard dating and not being able to hold his hand
on the street, it was hard saying he was mine to him only and not
the whole world to hear, it was hard keeping this from Brandon
who became a brother more than a roommate but I had never felt
like this in forever and yes maybe the boys saw something but
never said anything to us, I mean we both weren't at the house, at
51

the same time, if they were really smart then I'm sure they'd have
figured it out. I was floating and was on cloud nine, thoughts that
used to haunt me were things of the past. I didn't cry for a long
time now, it was only a month but to me it felt like a decade. We
had a schedule though and as tough as it seemed it worked, we
had a secret hide out. I felt like a teenage girl, all giddy inside, is
this what they meant when they said love wraps around you like a
blanket and keeps you warm cause my insides were melting.
We were currently seated at the house, me and the boys just
lounging around and being lazy, today was the day where I had
Keegan all to myself but was just wasting time away till I met him
again. At first I had doubts about our relationship, there were
certain parts we still don't talk about, he still said he wasn't gay
but only wanted me and me alone, I was fine and moving with the
flow if he wanted a vibe then so be it but in my head we were
boyfriend and boyfriend. I looked at the time and slipped away
from the boys and prepared for today's afternoon. We had a date,
in public and not stuck inside so I was over the moon figuratively
and literally cause I was bouncing so much that I'm sure the
adrenaline would propel me out of the earth's atmosphere and
over the moon. I looked at my clothing satisfied, today I was not
wearing any make up as he said he loved me natural. I had
paired black light wash skin tight jeans and a navy Nike t-shirt
with the Nike logo in front saying do it, probably encouraging my
relationship and black converse, the most straight I probably
looked in forever but if I had to look like this for him I didn't mind,
52

he'd say bend over and I wouldn't ask why but oblige. I squirted
some perfume on my neck and a bit on my shirt, smiled a genuine
smile as I looked into the mirror, my eyes were radiant and
glowing and full of life and it had been a long time since they
looked like that, if this was what happiness felt like then I didn't
want to be sad ever again, I sighed in content as I took my jacket
and headed out as the boys still watched whatever it was on TV
and muttered a bye as some had even lay asleep. I walked a few
blocks away till I saw him leaning against his car. It was like I saw
him for the first time ever as my heart beat against my rib cage
threatening to jump out and tell him how I feel it self.
His smile that was a thief stealing my heart, his eyes that were
magnets attracting mine, his body that I travelled each and every
night we were together but never got tired of, his hair that I run my
fingers through even though he hated it, his chest that I'd be sure
to lay in forever and his warm arms waiting for me to be hugged.
"Look who got all dressed up," he said smirking and looking me
up and down before kissing my cheek, I was stunned as we were
outside but looked around saw no one, I blushed and looked at
his outfit, faded blue tight but not as tight as mine but still alright
jeans, a white t-shirt that hugged his muscles tucked in and a
matching faded denim jacket over, he look so hot I could just take
53

him right here and now, "Done checking me out?" He breathed a
laugh.
"Just checking out my property," I smirked and slide in the front
seat, he smiled and kissed me on the lips
"All of this," he said motioning to his body, "Is all yours," as he
kissed me again. I laughed and kissed him back. He broke the
kiss and started the car.
"Well we have a long road ahead of us, do you want to play any
music?" He asked looking at the road, "Don't mind if I do," I
smiled as I connected my phone and looked at a playlist I made
on Spotify that reminded me of him, ranging from all of my
favorite songs and his, but mostly his cause I'm a pushover like
that. We sang song after song as he had his hand on my thigh
rubbing circles and looking at me lovingly. This was what dreams
were made of and this was by far the best dream I've had, I sigh
and looked at him driving.
54

ONE NIGHT ONLY
it takes one sip
till a sip becomes a bottle
and a bottle to a case
"only for tonight"
we chant to
chase away the pain
mind is getting numb
55

as tequila takes it's place
one shot
two shots
till you can't even remember your name
you say it's only for tonight
don't feel
don't think
don't hold yourself
let it go
but in the morning it comes back
ten times more
but only for tonight.
I don't want to feel
56

CHAPTER 11 – FERRIS WHEEL
I've never been on a date before so I don't know how to act, my
palms are sweaty and my knees are weak, I don't know why but
maybe it's the fact that Keegan was right beside me holding my
head and acting all loving. I looked around and saw people
minding their own business. I felt my hands all clammy due to the
nervousness and my gut telling me something bad might happen
and Keegan seemed to sense this and stopped and looked at me.
"Don't worry, no here knows us, okay?" He smiled and kissed my
hand, I sighed and nodded as he lead me towards the entrance of
the carnival.
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I've never been to a carnival before so I didn't have any
expectations but him winning me a bear had to be the cutest thing
ever and me failing to knock down three cans had to be the most
embarrassing thing I ever did in front of him. "I'm sorry I didn't win
anything for you, " I said looking at him sadly.
"Don't worry it was fun watching you fail, three times," he said
laughing and I fake gasped and punched his side as he doubled
over and laughed some more till I gave in and joined him.
"Keegan, come here," I said motioning him to come closer with
my fingers till I planted a soft kiss on lips, he looked and me and
said "Not that I'm complaining but what was that for," I smiled and
repeated the soft kiss, "Since there wasn't any winnings tonight
made by me, I thought a kiss could be a prize enough," he
laughed and kissed me back deeply. I melted in his arms as
nothing existed anymore but him. He broke the kiss and lead me
towards the corniest ride ever, the Ferris Wheel.
"Really Keegan?" I said smiling softly, cocking my head to the
right and looking at him.
"It's not a complete date to the carnival until you ride the Ferris
Wheel," he said smiling goofly as he looked at me with his
innocent light brown eyes and I just had to admit he was telling
the truth, after all he is good at this romance thing while I'm just a
sitting duck, I'm sure he watched more romance films than me but
sound never admit that.
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He took his hand in mine as we got in. I've seen romance in films
and read about it but feeling was ten times better. I smiled our
cart moved higher and higher till we stopped at the highest point
mid air and I looked at the view I was breath taken and forgot all
about my fear of heights as I was amazed by the sight before me,
"Isn't it beautiful?" I breathed looking at all the lights shimmering
like stars in the night, I felt a kiss on my cheek as Keegan looked
deeply at me
"Yes it is," he never took his eyes off me as he kissed me. "I love
you Bryce," He said in between the kiss and I felt a tear roll down
my cheek instantly,
"I love you more Keegan," I said in a teary voice as he kissed me
passionately, I felt like I was in a Love, Simon movie as the wheel
lowered us. He broke the kiss and lead me towards his car. He
put on soft music as he drove us to a motel he had booked
beforehand, We headed upstairs stumbling as we couldn't keep
our hands to ourselves.
Clothes littered the floor as he closed the distance between us,
we went from hands on the door, to hands on my thighs, hands
tighting around my head with lips on my neck leaving a necklace
of hickeys. He touched me sensually, as he went down and down
till my eyes rolled back and my moans filled the silence of the
59

room, I made sounds I never knew I could as he explored the
naked me deeper and deeper till it was my turn to do the same. I
went from his nipples to every inch of his body till he pulled me on
top of him and kissed me deeply as I was in a daze he slowly
inserted himself inside as I gasped for air due to the intensity, as
thus wasn't sex, but it was much more than that, it was making
love as he rolled his hips against mine slowly, taking his time as if
savoring a sweet flavor, we may have did it a thousand times but
right now felt like the first time ever as we remained in one
position, me between his thighs and deep in his arms as he sang
a chorus of 'I love yous' and me with the backing vocals of his
name making a sweet melody. Sweat mixed in the air as he
thrusts and thrusts till we both reached the climax.
"I love you," he said as he hugged me deeply and I lay on his
chest with a smile planted on my face.
All my life I longed for love, all my life I longed for acceptance and
here he was taking every inch of me with flaws and all, this time I
was sure it wasn't a dream as it felt all too real but I keep tracing
my hands over his chest just to test the authenticity of the dream.
I smiled and whispered
"I love you," and let him kiss me slowly till we were wrapped in a
blanket of love and the sheets of warmth covering us.
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I felt like I was in the end of a coming of age movie, the
protagonist finally finding love and being happy, I felt like this was
a sweet dream that left my worries behind, I felt like this was a
story that deserved no ending cause even forever after is forever
too short, I felt like I was a firework that shot across the sky as my
emotions flared different colours, I didn't know how I felt but it was
all gummy bears and marshmallows inside as I drifted to a perfect
slumber.
I looked at him as his eyelashes were longer and more perfect
than mine, I know he never told me about his family and I never
told him about mine but I'd like to see the people who birthed this
beautiful specimen. Brown eyes flickering in different shades as
morning light crept in through the curtains, gold skin shimmering
as if a Fenty Beauty Glow Kit was applied, bright full pinkish lips
that made me touch my own as I felt the buzz from last night, I
kept on looking wondering how I went from a kid tormented by
thoughts of not being enough to being bombarded with love. I was
lost in thought till I felt him kiss me bring me to life.
"Good morning," he said in that deep morning voice and my
insides melted once more, I'm sure at this point they turned into
jelly.
"Why good morning handsome sir," I smiled as he chuckled due
to my terrible attempt at a British accent and ruffled my hair, we
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laughed as he planted kisses here and there till we woke up and
went to the shower, my secret sanctuary that I now shared with
him as he made the hot water lava and touched me in places I
thought would be bored of his touch but still woke up immediately
as a fire intense as him never dies out, water washed us as we
made love under this semi heavy rain, he was a drug and I was
addicted, going to rehab would be to die.
CHAPTER 12 – MY TEARS RICOCHET
I was always told that too much of a good thing is bad and as much as I believed in that statement
I didn't think it applied to broken people like me who had more than their fair share of sad
experiences so a little overdose of happiness would do no harm, guess I was wrong.
It was everything, till it was nothing at all, we gathered here, weeping in a stolen room, our love
was on fire and it burned but now we were made of ashes and dust, even on my worst days I didn't
believe I deserved the hell that came to me in a present of digital memories of a replica of us
kissing shared all over social media with cute post captions and ugly comment sections, we were
outed, without as much as our consent we we're outed, nothing hurts like being naked in front of a
crowd, that how it felt right now because my family didn't know I was gay and pictures spred like
wildfire but why because we wanted to stay in this cocoon forever.
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace and I thought he was the hero who would save my face
but he said nothing as curse words were his only sound as he banged everything off the table
breaking glasses and our love too. I tried to calm him down but that seemed to rage him more till
he collapsed on the floor with a sigh of defeat, we had just came back from the best getaway of my
life to any empty room and a phone full with messages of fake congratulations and 'I didn't knows'
62

to broken aquitences as shook seemed to wash over the unknowing and a relationship that
seemed to be ending right now, I've seen him mad before but right now he was more and defeated
at the same time, I took steady steps and crouched beside him, touching his shoulder but he
backed away and hissed as if I was fire.
"Keegan," I whispered softly, sniffing away the tears that threatened to spill, he grunted but didn't
look at me.
"Keegan," I repeat for about three times with my voice breaking and going an octave higher as
tears clogged my throat.
"WHAT?!" He roared louder than a lion looking at me with tear stained checks and red blood shot
eyes,
"Are you happy? Huh?" He said inching closer to me scaring me ten times harder than the first
time we met.
"Keegan, you- you're scaring me," I said backing away.
"Scared? Scared? Don't you dare fucking tell about scary Bryce you don't know the first thing
about fear," he said voice rising,
"Calm down, please," I said looking away as I couldn't bare to see him like this.
"Don't dare tell me to calm down, all my life I tried so hard repressing these feelings till you came
along, I was fine, I- I- I'm straight, I was straight, I liked girls till I met , YOU! My parents started to
accept me as their son once more as they were happy that I was finally rid of the gay disease. I-
I..." He said pacing around the room with his hands making a scene as he talked with them and
pointed at me.
"We'll get through this together, " I said softly with glassy eyes as I was on the verge of breaking.
"I hate you Bryce,'' He said shocking me making my eyes widen and my heart forget to beat,
"I fucking hate you for making me feel this way, I hate you for making me love so hard till I lost all
control and didn't even hide myself properly, I should probably kill myself cause my family would
never accept me, do you know how hard I tried to blend in, ho hard I tried to be the perfect straight
guy and you fucked that up two days in my life, I hate you for making me not hate you and love you
more, I hate myself for that, I hate myself for being gay, my parents they, they-" he stopped mid
63

sentence and crying , I grabbed him before he could make contact with the floor and he instead fell
in my arms, it was the first time I heard him talk like this, it was the first time I saw him shed a tear
and break, who knew that one photo from our golden memories would break the boy I love, who
knew that people who act so tough have so much hidden under their thick skin, being black and
gay took a toll on him as he had a tug-of-war with himself. It was ironic how they called us gay
people rainbow kids but had the darkest hearts, we have to walk on fire to save our lives, choose
between losing our self or losing our loved ones, choose between love with conditions and nothing
as they force us to choosing them thinking we have an elastic heart but elastic breaks too when
pulled too hard.
"Please go, " he said softly as his voice was not even above a whisper with defeat seeping in his
veins and pain coursing where blood once existed, I too was broken but I wanted us to get through
this together, I couldn't let him hurt alone as he was more than a distraction from my raging
thoughts, I loved him, I loved him so much as he was my home, home that didn't need furniture or
a roof as he was enough for me, with him is where my heart belonged,
"But..."
"Please Bryce, Please go," he said coating my lips with his lips in a weak attempt of what had to be
a kiss,
"And whatever happens just k-know that I-I love you and don't follow me, cause right now I need a
break, so please leave me," he said breaking my heart ten times harder than it ever breaked if my
heart had broken to a million pieces before then right now it was dust, I tried to fight and tell him to
let me stay but he took me and led me outside and watched as my tears ricochet as he closed the
door to my life as the person who was my home collapsed, I slide slowly down as tears clogged my
throat, no voice came out, no whimper no nothing as my tears screamed don't leave me.
I thought that if our love had to have an end then I'd have him beside me in a casket home, I
thought that if love had to have an end then death would be the one to do us part. Who knew that
bliss could end us so brutally. I knew that we we're in the closet and maybe would come out and
we'd be free, I curse who ever posted our pictures cause we had no phones on us when we left,
we left with a bubble of happiness and hearts on our sleeves and arrived to a bitter after taste of
the sweetness we had and dust traded for hearts. I couldn't stop crying cause it hurts, it hurts so
much, yes it hurts cause I loved him, it hurts cause I can't bare to see him this way, it hurts cause
he said we we're over yet I wanted more than forever and we didn't even reach that far, it hurt
cause we had to come out unexpectedly and face the hate of the world I cried in the hallway for
what seemed like forever.
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What was so wrong with two men loving each other and not hurting anyone in the process that
families had to dictate that and rather lose a son than lose what they think dignity is cause we're
called names on the daily and described as having of no dignity, what was so wrong with
experiencing unconditional love that it brought us to break apart, comments filled with hateful
things that ripped us apart, when I said I wanted to share our moments with the world I meant
when we're ready, now he stood on the other side of this door as my tears served as reminders
that I should go.
CHAPTER 13 – LOVERS NEVER DIE
I could barely breath as the strength had been ripped from me, I
wanted to remain strong but it was too hard as pain from the heart
went to pain to my chest, pain to my head, pain to my eyes, pain
to my legs as it was too painful to move away from him. I could
barely breath as in this was a badnbad, a bad that was like
sudden death cause our fire seemed to have died but I wanted to
believe otherwise as he was the fire and I was the gasoline but
that seem to be a deathly combination as it burned us alive when
we showed our love in public and he burned with me tonight as
we traded our bodies and souls for ashes, grey and lifeless.
I moved like a zombie unable to comprehend what just happened,
I barely moved but I still reached my empty room that matched
my broken empty heart, I broke down and cried harder than I did
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hiding myself under the sheets still in my jeans and shirt, it was
everything till it was nothing, I cried for him, I cried for me, I cried
for us. Memories birth and memories kill and this sweet memory
broke us who thought that a picture would be the end , I said to
myself look at the picture and throwing my phone near Brandon's
bed and covering myself up with tears and the sheets mourning
the death of my relationship.
I tried to free the anima but pain slowed and sat me down force
feeding me it's contents, it brought pills for me to drink till I sunk in
further and further in that cocoon, I tried to get out of my room, I
really did but couldn't bring myself to it. Brandon was worried
about me as I had bloodshot eyes and constant sniffs at night
trying very hard to cry myself in silence but couldn't. He knew
about me and Brandon and tried to make me smile by making
jokes about killing anyone who gave problems but could he kill
the pain and fear that we felt. Keegan was probably from a
homophobic home considering the way he felt, he said he'd rather
kill himself than go home where he'd die anyway, they say blood
is thicker and I guess that's true as it's hard to wiggle yourself
from the thick confusion of mind controlling they have and guilt
trapping. The boys knew everything and said they saw it but kept
quiet but were sad that we had to be outted and did all that was in
their power to remove the image from the internet and that I was
thankful for but the internet never forgets and I'm sure it was still
out there circulating.
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I really didn't have it in myself to go in grace as I knocked
repeadly cursing our names for him to open up as the boys
watched me with sorrowful eyes, it had been two days, TWO
DAYS and I had yet to see Keegan, he kicked out Terrence from
their room and as much as I was hurting I couldn't let him hurt
alone too even through he said we were on break I was here for
him. I knocked and knocked till tears blurred my vision.
"Let me open up," Terrence said knocking and knocking till he
pushed and pushed yelling for Keegan to open, he pushed the
door off the hinges with Brandon open and the image I saw
knocked my breath and hit my chest as if a horse had kicked my
me as there was my Keegan hanging lifelessly from the ceiling, I
screamed louder than ever till all of the love and life I had in me
left; vanished in an instant as shocked invaded my cells making
me numb, everything was so silent as I heard a piecing cry with
came from a stranger, that stranger was me, everything moved in
slow motion as everyone sped to get help, I stared at the exact
same spot as I tried to change this ending but nothing seemed to
work, tears were a constant that didn't seem to end as smoke
filled the air, I couldn't feel a thing as I was numb but I did feel fire
burning everything that was once there to ashes once more, I
didn't recall anything till I too faded into a dark abyss fainting, if I
die young bury me next to him, if I die young then let me die for
love, if I die young let me die with him as his heart belonged to
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him cause going home would mean death for me too, I cried dear
Lord why, why cant I feel happiness for once, why do we have to
die, how many queer people have to die till they realize that the
hate they plant in us cause us to break cause everything seemed
to become great for once but failed right in front of my eyes, I
guess the voices in my head were right when they said I didn't
deserve anything nice. I fell with a thud as darkness welcomed
me.
The city skies are feeling dark tonight, I'm back to back with my
feels fighting with my head down, I'd say look at me, give me
more tonight but it's just a lonely night tonight all alone and not in
your arms. I was safe in those arms of yours but I felt weak
looking at them dangle lifelessly, if I was early I'd run to you and
wouldn't even need a reasons as I'd take your pain, take it all
away cause pain never bothered me anyway but now it hurts, it
hurts more to see you hang around the thread of what was once
our love, people die spiritually but you left physically, it broke me
as I made my way to you, in my dreams I'll run to you but you'd
disappear as you're just a figure of the mind.
Were you really there to begin with or just a figure of the mind
something for me to figure out but I never finished school so this
figure I left to
waste my mind
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as I dull down the volumes of the speakers called feelings.
You raise hell as I cry and in the echo of my voice, I choke and I
hear your words just like your there in conversations that never
end. My mind doesn't want to believe that I'm no longer going to
be staring at your face as you were the only thing that got me
through. There's still a blaze in my lips as I remember the last kiss
we shared that now only lingers in my memories, they say lovers
never die so that's why my mind is in denial of your death but my
heart tells me that you're not there as it doesn't beat the same
anymore, if you're out there somewhere listening, just know that I
still need you, you were more than a distraction and now I know it
won't be easy without you next to me as this world of madness
will go much faster and slower now.
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I'M USED TO IT
I'm used to sleeping alone
but after one too many nights in your bed
my sheets feel foreign
and no longer soft,
is it the fact that your chest
was the softest rock I've ever slept in,
or the fact that your smell clouds
my mind and makes me higher than purple haze,
before I met you 22H00 was my curfew
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but your calls kept me up till dawn,
before I met you my bed was the warmest
place ever and I'd never want to leave at all,
I was used to sleeping alone
but after I spent one too many nights in your bed,
I think I just might call it home
but I'm not used to sleeping without you by my side...
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CHAPTER 14 – COURAGE
I never has the courage to face my fears as they seemed as
obstacles to high to over come, I never had the courage to tell
people how I felt as I was fine was talking about my feelings too
much on it's own and I never had the courage to admit it three
days back but I'm afraid I'm going to the same Bryce I was. The
house is no longer the same, the boys are as me, ghosts that now
lifelessly roam the hallways, I thought I deserved happiness too
but too bas it ended as fast as it started, I guess the voices in my
head were right all along. I'm a coward, I'm useless, I'm stupid
and I was stupid in love with you but look where that left us.
I'm listening to Celine Dion's Courage and just like her I would be
lying if I said I'm fine even though I say it to people a thousand
times, cause I still think of you at least a million times and in the
echo of my tears I hear your voice calming me down, I go to
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school and come back a billion times, if I died then why does it kill
me not seeing you here right by my side. I'd lie if I said I was
strong and had courage to face them every time but just like you I
almost took my life maybe a trillion times, if it wasn't for Brandon
I'd be your Romeo cause just like Juliet you died for love.
Acceptance is a constant fight, society put a high price on it and
we don't have the currency to purchase that premium life, yes
times have moved but we're still behind, acceptance, I battle it too
just not with you by myside and if I said I'm fine just know that I'm
lying cause these tears are now the only water I drink, my mind
doesn't even know how to think cause images of you and me play
on replay. I still go to your room even though the boys stop me,
cause there's so much to say and talk about even though the only
words I say are I miss you and I wish you were here and these
colourless salt waters say the rest, it saddens me cause this time
I can't hide as there's a blaze at the places you touched me as I
still feel the rush, and I talk to you each and every time in my
dreams and it's sad to say but the only time I have with you is
only in my mind with conversations that never end.
Why didn't you ever tell me what was wrong, I thought you loved
me. Why did you have to leave me? I know we started on a rocky
brick road but I thought we painted those rocks yellow and in
fantasy we strolled, why did you have to push me away, why did
you have to love me so hard and leave me at the same time with
these memories cause it's not easy when you're not with me who
would've known that the future wasn't for us causw look at us
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now, nowhere to be found, this world now spins faster, I'm a train
wreck as I crashed and burned the moment they took your corpse
away, when they covered you and said they're sorry my heart and
soul left with you too. I don't have the courage to face their I'm
sorry faces cause they wouldn't bring you back, I don't have the
courage to face their constant pity cause it drives me insane, I
don't have the courage to face the voices in my head telling me
everyone I love will die, so how am I supposed to live with your
memory as I too failed you the moment I took that sliver tiny blade
that now lay like an ornament in my hands.
I promised myself I'd never cut but I got a call from my parents,
they left several texts each with a scripture telling I'd go to hell if I
don't come home this instant, they left voicemails where they said
their I'm disappointed speeches and what will the church think of
me now analogies, my mother said she loved me and that she'll
pray for me to get better. BETTER? How can I get better when
my face was all over the media as they ridiculed me and the one I
loved. BETTER? How can I get better when they will throw me
out the second I go to that house cause the last text said get
home but home is where the heart is and my heart isn't with them
but you. BETTER? How will I get better when there's still closeminded
people roaming the streets. BETTER? How will I get
better when I don't think I know the meaning of that name or even
have it in my vocabulary now. So forgive me, forgive me for
following you when you said I shouldn't, forgive me for being
weak, forgive me dear Lord cause it's not easy. I was able to hold
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on for so long and got a break for a month or more but maybe an
afterlife break is all I needed. Mother and Father I hope you leave
a free life without a burden on your shoulders as the church can
now think of you as better people because you don't have a gay
child to sin for you. Welcome me with open arms my love as I
come forth.
The little blade didn't inflict any pain as I felt all too much inside till
I felt nothing at all, I saw a gush of red but my tears blinded
everything even more, I switched sides and did the next deeper
as what seemed like a dying scream escaped my sore throat,
maybe I'll be better when I sleep, maybe I won't hear these voices
when all is dark, so darkness dear friend welcome me, I say with
my final breath as a blanket of silence dawns over me, just like
Jesus said, it's finished.
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CHAPTER 15 – EQUALLY LOST
I hear voices,
I see flashing lights,
I hear beeping,
I hear the cries and smell the salt from that dried up from their
cheeks, I hear them mutter their sorrys saying they wish they'd
saw me more and listened, it's funny when you're dead how
people start listening, it's funny how when you're dead they start
acting like they care, acting like they would've accepted you but
do it now double down the guilt weighing their hearts down.
I see their eyes, drying each fluid the body produces, I feel their
hands, probing needles and stuffing tubes, I hear the piercing
scream filling the room as the monitor goes silent for,
one, two, three, four,
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"Clear," I hear a voice,
six, seven, eight,
"Clear," my body vibrates,
ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen,
till the rhythmic beep floods the entire room like an overflowing
river and I hear sighs but I see nothing as darkness is where I still
reside.
I see my parents, the perfect church goers, leaving me behind the
imperfect son who brought shame amongst the judging church
that had raised me, I see the gossiping church mothers saying I
told you and continuing to show fake sympathies as they talked
behind our backs, I'm sure when they saw the pictures they
kicked me out before I even returned, cause I know oh so
perfectly how parents choose religion over their own blood, how
they choose perfection in front of people's eyes, how they choose
to have no sin should in sight, I wonder how they felt when they
say the picture cause I know how they choose to be the number
one's that outshine the Smiths during outing Sundays cause
church became a playground of who has more money for
offerings and which church clothes are better or who has the best
child to brag about, how they tell me why can't you be more like
Chris or whoever went first to give their devotions to the Lord
because church is a devotion race, how they don't understand me
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but claim to know what I always have to do, how when I do wrong
they say the Bryce they gave birth to would never do that so I
have no choice but to keep quiet, in my black home there never is
a chat about depression cause it doesn't exist, only white people
have it as punishment from the Lord but I'm not white so maybe
he was punishing me for being gay.
I thought when I'd die I'd see him on the other side and we'd hug
but I've been in this dark abyss for a while, it's hard attaching your
everything to someone you recently met and attach nothing to
those you knew since you were young. I... I... I thought after I die
I'd be at peace and not hear a sound but I have dreams where I
feel soft kisses against my cheek, soft words spoken around the
room but I'm confused cause I don't think dead people can
dream. I know I died a long time soully but I was rebirthed in love
and died when he left but right now am I physically dead or still
alive. I try to move my fingers but I feel nothing, maybe this is the
in between, life and death but all I see is darkness.
"He lost too much blood and he's been here for four weeks now,"
I hear faintly a voice say at far, I try to find it and stumble tripping
over my sleeping thoughts in my sub consciousness.
"I, I never knew he was struggling, I thought he was fine but kept
quiet as all teenage boys do when they reach adolescence and to
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think I almost lost him to my ignorance," I stop and hear the voice
of the woman who gave birth to me 19 years ago.
"He never tells me anything, he stopped talking to me and I don't
know why," she sniffles again and I can't help but scream in my
head because I took a backseat as church drove the car, I loved
God but it was no longer about him but what would the
congregation say, because you started instilling fear in me more
than respect and taught me not to say my problems to strangers
so I kept quiet as I didn't know who you were anymore, I mentally
screamed as the voices I tried to hide came back a thousand
times.
"Son, if you hear me I'm sorry," said the man who married the
woman who birthed me
"... and if there's anything to it, just know that I love you and
always will," I heard the words that never left his mouth for a long
time, I heard the words that only Keegan told me before he left, I
heard the words that all my teenage life I longed to hear from him
and they brought tears to my mental eyes, I sobbed as I cried for
the father that was there but never had, cried for the mother that
was here but never tried, cried for losing the love of my life and
almost losing myself, if God gave me a second chance at life then
let me take it and heal starting from the inside. I tried moving any
part of my body but felt like a coffin was laid on top of me as it
was hard, I tried and tried and tried till-
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"Oh my God, he's, he's- nurse!" I heard my mother shout,
"Nurse, he's moving," I heard her say but all I saw was white, it
was the brightest shade I had ever seen, tears flowed freely as
my throat felt like sand paper had been pushed down through it,
is this how Lazarus felt when he was woken up by Jesus, did he
see the brightness and compare it to the darkness he had seen
cause right now it was blinding, I coughed and coughed as my
body moved shaking uncontrollably as nurses surrounded and
checked me, I felt a needle as I didn't know what was happening
around me as things moved in slow motion till I fell asleep one
more time but this time it was different.
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CHAPTER 16 - BLACK BIRD
"Why you wanna fly, black bird, you ain't ever gonna fly, no place
big enough for holdin all the tears you gonna cry, cause your
mama's name was lonely and your daddy's name was pain and
they called you little sorrow, cause you'll never love again. You
ain't got no one to hold you, you ain't got no one to care, if you'd
only understand it, no body wants you anywhere, so why you
wanna fly, black bird, you ain't gonna fly..." that song by Nina
Simone played on loop in my mind, I was told to be free but asked
why I wanted to fly as they reminded me of what I was and I sat
down as my insecurities took the front row seat and watched and
as I slowly settled back to my cage cause society asked, why you
wanna fly blackbird, you ain't ever gonna fly.
I woke up to the pounding beat of my heavy heart, heavy from the
dosage, heavy from feeling and heavy from the pain with sweat
dripping from my forehead, my mother lay asleep on the
uncomfortable hospital chairs with a thousand roses beside them
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each with notes from what seemed like the boys, I sighed as I had
another life to face days filled with trails and tribulations, only God
knows how it will turn out but for now
I took a fresh cup of tears and carelessly looked at the window, I
had gained little but lost so much, I was whole yet incomplete,
alive but not at ease, how was it that I went through all this stuff
and still had the time to feel again and again and again, weren't
my feelings tired or where they just happy to see me like this,
where was an off button or switch when you needed one cause
feelings had to come with a manual, I was complicated right but
what else was I to be, I felt like there was more to me than I can
see maybe love lay deep, deep, deep down in my heart but how,
love had always been foreign to me yet I heard my parents
confess it not so long ago, I needed a remedy and the only
distraction I had was gone. So I put down the tears down as I
wiped my cheeks and lay my head to rest a bit, my eyelids kissed
goodnight as I drifted into the world of slumber were nightmares
haunted me and memories flooded the sea.
He laid on a cold hard wall somewhere where wind hissed and
snow red with bold from his chest which was bare with markings
of today and yesterday, he had tear stained checks with blood
dripping from his eyes as his lacrimal gland couldn't secrete any
more tears, he was all out of tears to cry so he'd just mime them
out. All seemed dark like there was never a chance to fight. It had
been exactly a month after he got released from the hospital and
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took a break from life, moved out of the boy's house and into what
may now seem like home but he was still too hurt to call it home
yet, feelings too raw as if they'd been ripped open again and
bandages as jewelry for his arm. His parents tried, they really did,
his mother cried and his father stopped doing it for the church but
for him, he was always quiet but now he was quieter, never
uttered a word but 'okay' and 'yes I'll be fine', he didn't have to
hide, he didn't have to stay in the closet as his parents probed
and bombarded him with love but he couldn't careless as the
voices in his head still said they'd leave him too if he'd let them in
too much. Brandon did the best he could blaming himself for not
being there for Bryce just like he wasn't there for his brother too.
Almost losing Bryce ripped open his old wound again and made it
fresh, he recalls coming early from school exhausted and hearing
a piecing scream echoing through the whole house, he quickly
dashed to his bedroom, frantically searching till he found him in a
pool of his blood in the bathroom, a scene he remembers all too
well; very vividly as be had to live it twice, through him and his
brother, he blamed himself for not noticing, he blamed himself for
not being there, he blamed himself for being an ally and not doing
enough, not doing more to prevent this, he blamed himself cause
he had almost lost Bryce but he blamed himself more as he had
lost a housemate due to homophobic closemindsd online trolls
who half were the girls Keegan had dated to seem straight
enough and his parents who couldn't accept him before. If it
wasn't for him arriving at the perfect time Bryce would be no
more, if it wasn't for him calling 911 as Bryce lay lifelessly in his
arms he'd be dead and so because of that he vowed to do more
than just be named an ally.
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"Who Am I?" A boy trying to find him self in a world of bliss and
blabbering blisters..
"You are who you were meant to be," An Angel tries and sets him
free.
Little Black Bird trapped in a cage, trying to fly with broken wings,
wearing nothing but a mask, he wants to conceal, don't feel and
don't let them know. It had been a while since he saw everyone
but his parents. He missed Keegan, he missed him deeply, his
eyes, his lips, his smile, his everything, it was extra hard as he
didn't go to the funeral and wasn't even allowed to visit the grave
as his parents blamed him for killing their little boy, Keegan never
left a note or anything but one last lingering kiss on Bryce’s lips
and a don't follow me, he vowed to visit one more time but today
was the first time in therapy and if he wanted to get better for
Keegan. He had to first getter better for himself cause true love
starts with self love and healing starts from the inside.
- THE END –
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YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
You Don't Even Know
I've climed this mountain called feelings trying to get over you,
I've walked in crowded rooms as everyone started at me as if
sensing your spirit following me,
I've grown yes I did but I still go back to that same day when I
was you cause
You don't even know,
They I've broken and healed,
they way I've cried rivers and built a bridge to get over that,
the way my heart still beats for you even if you're not here.
You dont know a thing at all,
the way I feel now that I am alone, the way the world's bigger and
I'm getting smaller,
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I'm getting help, I promise I am but I still miss you,
I've even started smiling and my parents and I converse
But with all that I still miss you
And I'm sure you don't even know…
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FINAL WORDS
I'd like to thank any and everyone who took their time to journey with me in this short book, thank
so much for reading and hope to see you next time.
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