Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2020

A CURE FOR 

IN-LAW CONFLICT 

Helping Families Thrive in Christ 

OCT / NOV 2020 

Canada 

ENGAGING CHILDREN 

IN THE POLITICAL 

PROCESS 

Lands 

EXPERIENCING THE 

Bible 

of 

the 

WITH JEAN DALY

TAKE 

FOCUS 

WHEREVER LIFE 

TAKES YOU 

Cherish Your Spouse 

video series 

Bestselling marriage author and pastor Gary Thomas wants to help you take 

your relationship to the next level! In this free, five-part video series, he will 

The show <strong>Focus</strong> you how to on support, the adore, Family showcase App and protect gathers your spouse. our 

trusted Watch as Gary guidance describes practical and ways support to cherish your together spouse: by paying in 

attention to them, going to them first, supporting, encouraging rather than 

one place criticizing, to help and avoiding your contempt. family thrive. 

Cherishing is something we need to be intentional about doing – even if we do it 

To strengthen imperfectly! your marriage. The result will be a happier, more fulfilling relationship in marriage. 

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October / November 

Contents 

Couples 

13 FUN, FOOD AND FINDS 

Try this fun idea for connecting 

with your spouse 

by Lori Zenker 

14 POACHED EGGS AND BROCCOLI 

Unexpected ways to be thankful 

for your husband 

by Harriet E. Michael 

16 A CURE FOR IN-LAW CONFLICT 

Learn how to defuse family friction 

during the holiday season 

by Ginger Kolbaba 

18 AFTER THE SHOCK 

Restoring trust in light of your 

spouse’s pornography addiction 

by Joann Condie and Geremy F. Keeton 

23 FACING THE GIANTS 

IN YOUR MARRIAGE 

When relationship problems seem 

insurmountable, have the courage 

to defeat them together 

by Dr. Greg Smalley 

24 ABUSED KIDS AND 

WOUNDED HORSES 

How one couple worked together 

to fulfill a dream of caring for both 

by Benjamin Hawkins 

Faith & Inspiration 

27 ENOUGH LIGHT FOR EACH STEP 

Spiritual insights from <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family leadership 

by Ken Windebank 

28 THAT THE WORLD MAY KNOW: 

BRINGING THE BIBLE TO LIFE 

This groundbreaking video series 

visits the lands of the Bible to reveal 

more about God’s Word 

by Scott Johnson 

33 EXPERIENCING THE 

LANDS OF THE BIBLE 

My journey in the Judean Desert 

has taught me to read Scripture 

in a new way 

by Jean Daly 

In Every 

Issue 

4 DALY A LETTER FOCUS FROM THE PRESIDENT 

5 HACKS & FACTS 

12 MEDIA 

15 46 PRODUCTS MY THRIVING & RESOURCES 

FAMILY 

46 MY THRIVING FAMILY 

Kids & Teens 

35 SIMPLE GESTURES MAKE 

ALL THE DIFFERENCE 

Supporting foster or adoptive 

families is easier than you think 

by Jill Keller 

40 ENGAGING CHILDREN IN 

THE POLITICAL PROCESS 

Help your kids understand how 

voting influences their future 

by Jeff Johnston 

42 WHEN KIDS CHANGE THEIR MINDS 

Trusting God when children decide 

to live with the other parent 

by Tez Brooks 

44 LETTING GO OF HOLIDAY 

EXPECTATIONS 

Sometimes the best way to 

celebrate Thanksgiving isn’t 

the traditional way 

by Jill Savage 

FLAFFY / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

October / November 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

daly A LETTER focus FROM THE PRESIDENT 

Jim Daly Terence is the Rolston president is 

president of <strong>Focus</strong> of on <strong>Focus</strong> the on Family the 

and host Family of the Canada <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family broadcast. 

His blog is available at 

JimDalyBlog.com. 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family is a 

donor-supported ministry, 

and your contribution makes 

a difference in the U.S. and 

throughout the world. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/ 

Donation 

diving deeper 

lessons into the in Word 

of the God desert 

I HAVE CAN YOU REMEMBER EVER learned IT like something it was 

yesterday: new about standing a section in of the Scripture heat and that dust 

of became a desert an with “aha” a moment group of for weary you? explorers. 

light But bulb this suddenly wasn’t just went any off desert—it in your head was 

As if a 

and Israel’s you Judean saw with wilderness, new eyes where how God Jesus actually 

walked wanted and was you to tested. read His those words verses? came 

to Understanding life a new way historical as Ray Vander cultural Laan, 

our context guide of for the this Bible excursion, is a crucial helped way for us us to 

comprehend understand Scripture why we’re in reading its cultural what and we’re 

reading, historical and context. what God intended when he 

inspired It was an those experience words. my wife, Jean, and I will never forget. 

In If fact, you’ve never can read heard Jean’s of Ray perspective Vander Laan, on our you’ll 2016 be trip learning 

more on page about 33. him This and is the his perfect video series occasion That to the reflect World on May 

to 

Israel 

Know that journey in this because issue of the November magazine. marks As a the historian 25th anniversary 

of the well-versed first release in of the That culture the World and traditions May Know, of Ray’s the time 

and Bible 

teacher 

award-winning when the Bible was series written, of videos he and provides study ample materials opportunity that illuminate 

for those the “aha” pages moments. of Scripture through visits to locations 

throughout Seventeen the years Middle ago, East, my wife, Asia Joyce, and Europe. and I had the privilege 

If you of joining never get Ray the on opportunity a tour that took visit us Jerusalem, through the Rome 

historic Thessaloniki, locations That of the seven World churches May Know that is the were next recorded best 

thing the to book being of there. Revelation. Thousands What of we individuals, thought might churches be an and 

Bible interesting study sightseeing groups have trip been ended transformed up being as an a result insightful of Ray’s 

experience teaching through I’ll always these treasure. dynamic I videos was given and the study gift materials. of seeing 

<strong>Focus</strong> the Scriptures has been in honored a whole to new partner light. with Ray these past 25 

years I remember in bringing one That day the when World we May visited Know temple to audiences. ruins where 

individuals And That and the World families May would Know travel isn’t the great only distances thing we’re to simply 

receive in this a few issue. words November that might is National shape their Adoption future Month, or give 

celebrating 

and them we’ve wisdom got a for great life. article I was convicted page 35 of about how supporting 

often I take the 

Word adoptive of God families for granted. as they live After out all, Scripture’s I don’t have reminder to travel that days 

“religion and weeks that – is I have pure and it within undefiled arm’s before reach God every the day! Father is 

this: In to this visit difficult orphans season and we’ve widows all in been their walking affliction, through, and to I 

hope keep oneself you are unstained encouraged from to create the world” for yourself (James an 1:27). opportunity 

I see to learn God’s more faithfulness of who to our <strong>Focus</strong> God is, on and the Family who he evident wants us in to 

the be. The ministry best way we’ve to accomplished get to know him through is through That the World pages of 

May Scripture, Know, and our the adoption best way and to foster read Scripture care efforts is with and dozens our eyes 

of open other to the initiatives. context I in hope which that it you was and written your – family and it’s can always look 

easier back over to do the so past with months the guidance and find of someone encouraging like evidence Ray. of 

His faithfulness to you as well! 

Terence Rolston 

Jim Daly 

FOTF / CA CARY / DAVID BATES PIECHNIK 

president Jim Daly 

chief operating officer Ken Windebank 

president Jim Daly 

publisher Steve Johnson 

chief operating officer Ken Windebank 

editorial director Sheila Seifert 

publisher Steve Johnson 

managing editor Andrea Gutierrez 

focus canada president Terence Rolston 

copy chief Scott DeNicola 

editorial director Sheila Seifert 

contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, Vance 

managing editor Andrea Gutierrez 

Fry, Marianne Hering, Jennifer Lonas and 

copy chief Scott DeNicola 

Jeff Masching 

contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba, 

art director Brian Mellema 

Vance Fry, Marianne Hering, Jennifer 

designer Anneka Jack 

Lonas and Jeff Masching 

cover Jen Lints 

art director Brian Mellema 

media publishing director Kevin Shirin 

designer Anneka Jack 

editorial assistant Kat Bittner 

cover Jen Lints 

print production Gail Wise 

media publishing director Kevin Shirin 

circulation Sandy Grivy 

editorial assistant Kat Bittner 

print production Gail Wise 

Thank you! 

circulation Sandy Grivy 

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4 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 

October / November 2020

Hacks & Facts 

CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING 

THE COLORS OF 

THANKSGIVING 

ISTOCK.COM / PHOTOGUNS; (PLACE MAT) FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA 

GATHER YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER 

to color this Thanksgiving place mat for your 

get-together. 

Download this free place mat by visiting 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Magazine. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Autumn. 


HACKS & FACTS / GRATITUDE 

ABCs of 

Gratitude 

My family plays the Gratitude 

Alphabet game. As a group, we 

start with the letter A. Each person 

must come up with something 

he or she is thankful for that begins 

with that letter. For example, A can 

represent apples or adventures. 

Then we move on to the next letter. 

Sometimes we vote on whose 

response is the most creative, heartfelt 

or funny. This helps the kids 

think carefully before they answer. 

—Jessica Carey 

Highs and Lows 

Help Your Kids 

Fix Their Toys 

We teach our kids how to repair 

toys that are broken and sew pillows 

or stuffed animals that are torn. We 

also clean items such as bath toys 

that have collected grimy deposits 

instead of buying new ones. My 

kids have a lot more pride in and 

appreciation for their toys and other 

belongings when they have a story 

about how they helped fix them. For 

example, when the wallpaper inside 

my daughter’s dollhouse started to 

peel, we had so much fun coming 

up with ideas for decorations and 

furniture. She loves playing with her 

dollhouse even more now because 

she helped repair it. 

—Emily Yang 

The Bible tells us 60 

times to give thanks 

or be thankful. 

source: BibleGateway 

Our family was recently robbed 

while on vacation. We had nothing 

but our wallets, a stroller and 

one another. Waiting for our flight 

home, we played a game called 

High-Low, with each person taking 

a turn to give high and low experiences 

from the day. Over the next 

few weeks, we replayed the game. 

The kids’ expressions of thankfulness 

became more genuine 

because they were now paired with 

their expression of fear: “I’m mad at 

the bad guys for taking my favorite 

Christmas pj’s, but I’m glad I have a 

warm bed to sleep in tonight.” 

—Stephanie Monroe 

Thankfulness 

Journal 

My wife and I asked our 7-year-old 

son to keep a thankfulness journal 

last Thanksgiving. Each day he 

writes down one thing—large or 

small—for which he is grateful. 

Since he began doing this, we have 

seen him express much more gratitude 

to us and to his younger 

siblings. It’s a project he has continued 

with throughout the year. 

—David Cox 

YURA YAREMA / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

6 



Stones of 

Remembrance 

Over the years, we have taught our 

children about how God told His 

people to create memorials out of 

stones to remind them of His faithfulness 

(Joshua 4:1-7). These stones 

of remembrance become the centerpiece 

of our kitchen table. Our 

kids write memories and dates on 

stones to remind us to be grateful, 

even for simple things. 

Our children often write a 

friend’s name on a stone as a way 

to honor friendships. Our rock 

memories range from the toddler 

years to the teen years. (We 

move the rocks from the table to 

the kids’ bedrooms after a month 

or so.) They have been a creative 

way for our family to remember 

God’s faithfulness. 

—Chimene Shipley Dupler 

Mac ’n’ Cheese 

Thank-You 

When my twin boys were preschoolers, 

I would serve them 

spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese, 

saying, “Thank you, Mommy, for 

the mac and cheese.” I didn’t 

need to thank myself for lunch, 

of course, but I wanted to model 

manners for my sons. Children 

need vocabulary to articulate 

gratefulness. Choose one or 

two phrases to guide your children 

in gratitude. Eventually, they 

will express thankfulness independently, 

as my 11-year-old 

twins (who still love mac and 

cheese) did yesterday. 

—Valerie Griffin 

Opening 

Your Home 

Recently we opened up our home 

and started inviting foster kids to 

some of our family activities, such 

as movie night or s’mores night. 

This has provided a reprieve from 

the load of loss and trauma that 

foster kids often feel, and it has 

lightened the load for foster parents, 

too. Through playdates and 

donated items (shoes, clothes and 

toys), our daughter is learning to be 

thankful for our many blessings. 

—Kara Young 

The Glad Game 

In a classic children's book, Eleanor 

H. Porter tells the story of a girl 

named Pollyanna who finds the 

good in any situation by using the 

Glad game. We started using this 

in our home. The rule is that no 

matter what happens, you have to 

find something to be glad about. If 

my sons begin to grumble about 

helping me clean the kitchen, I 

start the Glad game. I might start 

off with “I’m glad we have running 

water and don’t have to walk to a 

river.” My son might say, “I’m glad 

we have a dishwasher.” His twin 

might add, “I’m glad I have family 

to help me.” 

—Katie Ely 

People who 

intentionally 

recall reasons to 

be grateful are 

healthier (and 

sleep better). 

source: Journal of Health 

Psychology 

A Grateful 

Challenge 

Each family member picks one 

thing he or she is grateful for, such 

as friends, good weather, a warm 

house or even hand sanitizer. 

During our evening devotion, each 

person then shares with the group 

his or her gratitude through a craft, 

painting, drawing or role-playing. 

This activity focuses our minds on 

being grateful instead of worrying 

about all the scary happenings in 

the world. 

—Susan Olubunmi 


HACKS & FACTS / SIBLINGS 

Taking a Break From Bickering 

My two youngest children were born 18 months apart. During their preschool 

years, they bickered a lot. One day in the car, to stop my children 

from bickering, I said, “Robert, look out your window,” and “Kristin, look 

out of yours!” 

To my surprise, it worked! They grew interested in what was going 

past their respective windows and were given the needed break from 

each other. Eventually, I would tell them it was OK to look at each other 

again, and they were fine. 

—Harriet E. Michael 

Training Kids to Be Friends 

My husband and I trained our daughters to be friends by 

following these three steps: 

1. <strong>Focus</strong>ing on the positive qualities of their relationship. 

If one did something thoughtful for the other, it was 

announced and praised. 

2. Teaching them to ask before borrowing something 

and to respect each other’s privacy. 

3. Treating them as equals, not favoring one over the 

other. 

—Jennifer S. Shiakallis 

Squelch the Belch 

In my house, a burp elicits the response, 

“What do you say?” All of the kids know 

the answer: “Excuse me.” 

To help my kids not be rude or make 

a cutting comment to their siblings, I 

give them the same response: “What 

do you say?” 

The first time I did this, confusion 

spread across my son’s face. 

My son insisted, “But I didn’t burp.” 

I told him that the words we speak 

to our siblings come from the overflow 

of what’s in our hearts (Luke 6:45). 

It’s hard to contain what’s in our hearts. 

Burps are pretty disgusting, and so 

are hurtful words. My kids understood 

the point and are reminded of it again 

every time they have to say “Excuse 

me” to each other. 

—Jared Hottenstein 

Respectfully Communicating 

Teaching my tweens how to communicate respectfully started 

with us, their parents. For example, if I asked my daughter to do 

something extra for me when she was swamped with homework, 

she could say, “May I add more information?” Then she could tell 

me about the extra homework she had or why she couldn’t do 

what I asked at that moment. 

I also taught my kids to use similar respectful comments when 

communicating with each other. Obviously, it’s unrealistic to 

expect children to never argue and always communicate like polite 

adults, but it’s a valuable life lesson to help them use civil language 

and reason together with mutual respect. 

—Tannis Oliveri 

STOCKSY.COM / JESSE CHAMBERLIN 

8 



SIBLINGS / HACKS & FACTS 

Clothing Squabbles 

The two tween girls in my home are the same size. 

Sharing clothes has become the norm, but sometimes 

they borrow each other’s clothes without asking. So 

I've established a few rules: Clothing received as a gift 

or purchased with their own money does not have to 

be shared. Hand-me-down clothing and shoes, however, 

can be shared. 

Should one sister want to wear something that 

belongs to the other, she must present an equal 

clothing exchange option to her sister. After wearing 

the item once, the borrower must put the item into 

her sister’s hamper without being reminded. They 

understand that ruining an item, even by accident, 

requires replacing it. 

Should either girl struggle to follow these rules, 

our daughters must take a break from sharing 

until they agree once again to the family clothing 

guidelines. 

—Kelly D. McManus 

Encouragement Rocks 

One day, a friend gave us a jar of rocks with a fruit 

of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) written on each rock. 

After dinner, we passed the jar around the table. Each 

person chose a rock and shared how a family member 

had demonstrated the positive character quality 

written on it. This exercise shows our triplets how to 

encourage one another. 

—Linsey Driskill 

Siblings Bearing 

Snacks 

Sometimes it feels like I’m raising an army 

of young children. Instead of constantly 

running snacks and milk to them, I ask an 

older sibling to bring them snacks. The 

chosen food “messenger” learns how to 

be the giver of good things, and the food 

helps create positive feelings between 

brothers and sisters. 

—Rachel Meeks 

Settling Arguments 

Two of my boys enjoyed playing together but would 

often end up fighting. When they were 5 and 8, I 

started telling them to go to their beds, since they 

shared a bedroom. They weren’t allowed to get off of 

their beds until they had worked out their argument. 

This kept my boys at a safe distance and yet close 

enough to talk when they were ready. Desiring a 

quick end to their sequestered time motivated them 

to work out their differences. The process also helped 

them learn how to listen to each other. 

—Lana Newton 


HACKS & FACTS / SELF-CONTROL 

Sweet Treat 

Tokens 

At breakfast each morning, I give 

each child an index card stating that 

he or she is entitled to a snack. A 

child can earn an additional snack 

token by demonstrating healthy 

eating habits, such as eating a full 

supper. I give a bonus token to a 

child who hasn’t whined for additional 

treats. My kids can choose a 

treat or two in exchange for their 

tokens. (I watch the inventory to 

keep everyone honest.) 

I try to include myself in this 

exercise so my kids have a good 

example. It’s difficult to cheat. My 

children can hear when I open the 

freezer door for a late-night icecream 

snack, even when they’re 

in bed! 

—Jeff Welch 

Bag It & Tag It 

Wiser Food Choices 

My husband and I teach our daughter principles of good 

nutrition. Sweets and unhealthy snacks are brought out 

only for special occasions, but healthy food options are 

easily accessible. When our daughter turned 8, we allowed 

her more freedom to choose her own foods at birthday 

parties or school trips. She got a few tummy aches, but 

the experience has helped her make wiser food choices. 

—Nicki Ladene 

2 days 

How long it takes a child to 

actively burn off the calories 

he or she consumes from 

candy in late October. 

source: Business Insider, 2019 

My son once hid three ice-cream 

sandwiches in a bag of frozen broccoli 

because he didn’t want to share 

them. To prevent our children from 

having access to large quantities of 

snacks, my wife and I now divide 

big packages of chips, cookies or 

pretzels into small serving-sized 

baggies and label them for each 

child. It teaches our kids what an 

appropriate serving size looks like. 

Our bag-it and tag-it solution 

allows us to pair healthier snack 

options with treats. Instead of letting 

celery wilt in the vegetable 

drawer, tag-team it with some peanut 

butter. That way the kids are 

more likely to eat it and enjoy it. 

—Jared Hottenstein 

ISTOCK.COM / PEOPLEIMAGES; (PEANUTS) DULE694 / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

10 



SPECIAL NEEDS / HACKS & FACTS 

worshiping their own way 

Helping kids with special needs engage with God 

BY SARA R. WARD 

MY SON’S GENETIC DISEASE contributed 

to the challenges he had participating in devotions 

and church. He couldn’t sing or talk, and he couldn’t 

attend Sunday school because of the risk of infection. 

But he loved his Bible picture book, and his eyes lit up 

whenever he saw the cover. 

When it comes to parenting children with special 

needs, understanding how they engage with God 

means we can encourage their faith by giving them 

opportunities to worship according to their abilities 

and preferences. 

Adapting to their needs 

Small adjustments can make a big difference in a 

child’s ability to connect with God. A child with hearing 

loss or visual impairment may need large pictures, 

a front-row seat or a sensory object to touch while 

sitting with you at church. For a child who enjoys 

music but is nonverbal, a Velcro hand strap with bells 

or a shaker allows her to actively participate in worship 

songs at home. 

Creating an environment where your child thrives 

is also important for helping him engage with God. 

If your child likes movement during singing, provide 

space for dancing or waving streamers to songs. 

For some children, a quiet space fosters a better 

atmosphere for connection. If a child prefers silence, 

find ways to incorporate worship into a nature walk, 

pointing out the beauty of God’s creation and thanking 

Him for every good gift. 

Bringing the Bible to life 

Adding sensory objects that are found in a Bible story 

can help make the story a more interactive experience 

for a child with special needs. When telling the 

story of Jesus walking on water, for example, you can 

use a phone app to play the sound of crashing waves. 

That can help children imagine the story more vividly. 

Because scents and tastes can provide powerful 

connections in the brain, incorporating natural aromas 

and foods mentioned in Scripture can help bring 

stories to life. Enjoying fresh bread fits with the story 

of the Last Supper. And smelling perfume during the 

story of the woman who washed Jesus’ feet (Luke 

7:36-38) can help our children experience the Bible 

in a new way. 

Even when we wonder whether what we’re doing 

is working, we can pray for God’s Word to penetrate 

young hearts, knowing that He is the Author and 

Perfecter of our children’s faith. 

Sara R. Ward is a mother to three children and the author of Made for 

Hope: Discovering unexpected gifts in brokenness. 

FOTF / ANNEKA JACK 


MEDIA / PLUGGED IN 

UPCOMING 

REVIEWS 

For reviews of these and other 

titles, visit PluggedIn.com, PluggedIn.ca, <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family’s media review and 

discernment website. 

SOUL 

Will Pixar’s 

spiritual journey 

take your kids on 

a wrong turn? 

Scheduled release: 

Nov. 20 

“THE MANDALORIAN,” 

SEASON 2 

Parents may wonder if the Force will be 

a big factor in this Disney+ smash hit. 

Scheduled release: October 

BLACK WIDOW 

How much violence can families 

expect with Natasha’s return to 

the big screen? 

Scheduled release: Nov. 6 

How can I help my kids navigate 

all the strange spiritual content 

on TV? 

There’s no shortage of occultand 

satanic-themed shows 

these days, some of which 

are particularly dark. Among them 

are “Good Witch,” “The Worst Witch,” 

“Lucifer,” “Good Omens” and “Chilling 

Adventures of Sabrina.” In season 3 of 

that show, one of two versions of Sabrina 

became the queen of hell, while another 

character found herself pregnant with 

Satan’s baby. Yikes! 

Certainly, many Christian parents 

wouldn’t include these types of shows 

on the family-fave watchlist, but what 

if your kids express interest in them? 

Maybe their curiosity has been piqued 

by friends who enjoy these tales of conjured 

spells and supernatural powers. 

Open dialogue is key to helping your 

children apply biblical discernment 

when they consider these shows. Help 

them understand that treating the occult 

as entertainment can confuse their 

understanding of the real spiritual battle 

that Scripture says is raging around us 

(Ephesians 6:12). 

Ask your kids whether these shows 

ever acknowledge God as the ultimate 

power, or if the heroes and heroines 

obtain their supernatural abilities from 

other sources. Similarly, the plots usually 

involve conflict between good and evil, 

but direct your kids to John 14:6 and ask, 

“Do the stories ever focus on Jesus as ‘the 

way, and the truth, and the life’?” 

As parents, we can help our children 

understand that occult themes aren’t 

just fodder for teen-focused, supernatural 

soap operas. Rather, they distort our 

perspective about the unseen spiritual 

reality and undermine biblical truth. 

—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In 

FROM TOP: LUCASFILM LTD, DISNEY / PIXAR, MARVEL 

12 



Couples 


fun, food 

and finds 

try this fun idea for 

connecting with 

your spouse 

—Lori Zenker 

morning date? • 

WE WERE DIRT POOR when we got married. We furnished 

our apartment from castoffs we found on the curb or 

bought cheaply at garage sales. To this day, we still drive around 

town bright and early on Saturdays, starting in the spring and 

continuing through fall, hunting for treasures for our home, to 

give to others or to resell. Afterward, we stop for coffee or lunch 

at our local farmers market, and then go home and look through 

all of our finds. 

It has become a game to see who can find the best deal. A 

bouncy castle for $5. A beautiful clock for $1. We have a lot of 

fun meeting people and laughing over the crazy things we find. 

Some items jump-start memories from our past. “See this old 

couch? We had the exact one when I was a kid!” Or “Remember 

how our first baby loved this toy?” Just this week, my husband 

turned to me and said, “Look what I found for you!” It was a perfect 

lamp for the top of my piano, only $3. 

My husband recently told our kids that our best date night is 

actually Saturday morning. Now that’s what I call a good date! 

Take the challenge 

Check the newspaper or online classifieds for a list of garage 

sales in your neighborhood. Consider buying a surprise gift for 

your spouse as you peruse sales. Ask each other these questions 

while on the date or shortly thereafter: 

• What was your best find of the day? How does that compare to 

what you treasure most in life? 

• What was the silliest item you found today? What silly aspect of 

our relationship makes you smile? 

• What was the best part about starting our day off with an early 

OctOber / NOvember 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

cOuPlES / GRATITUDE 

poached eggs 

and broccoli 

Unexpected ways to be thankful 

for your husband 

BY HARRIET E. MICHAEL 

MY HUSBAND, JOHN, likes 

to make poached eggs for breakfast 

and have steamed broccoli for a 

midmorning snack. Both foods have 

a pungent smell that wafts through 

the house. 

If I choose to focus on how I have 

to find ways to freshen the air in the 

house, I could get really annoyed. 

Instead, I choose to be thankful that 

I have a husband who cooks his own 

breakfast and enjoys eating healthy. 

And that switch in perspective helps 

me feel thankful for my spouse— 

and my marriage. 

For me, that’s the secret to having 

a good marriage. It isn’t about trying 

to make your marriage great. It’s 

about being thankful for the marriage 

you have. 

A different perspective 

The problem with trying to make a 

marriage great is that the focus is 

on looking at what’s wrong so we 

can “fix” it. We don’t like a certain 

habit, such as our spouse being perpetually 

late, so we set our sights on 

changing our spouse. But we should 

work on changing ourselves so we 

respond differently, even when we 

find ourselves late through no fault 

of our own. Once we get a handle 

on how to do that, we may believe 

our marriage will get better—at 

least until the next annoying habit 

invades our facade of contentment. 

My “good marriage” approach, on 

the other hand, starts by adopting a 

different viewpoint when it comes 

to a spouse’s small, but annoying, 

habits—a viewpoint that focuses on 

gratitude for what we already have. 

Being thankful encourages us to look 

at what’s good and right in the marriage. 

So if you can find a reason to 

be thankful, then do it. 

Of course, you can’t be thankful 

for every fault your spouse has. Just 

as your spouse won’t be thankful 

for some of yours. The point isn’t to 

avoid a root issue (infidelity, pornography, 

etc.) and pretend you have 

a “good” marriage because you’re 

not willing to confront problems. 

But when faced with personality 

differences, if you are actively looking 

for things to be thankful for in 

your marriage, you might be surprised 

at how many you find. 

Little gifts 

Many years ago, a woman in a Bible 

study I attended said something 

that has stuck with me all these 

CHOOSING GRATITUDE 

Author Nancy Leigh DeMoss offers 

suggestions for living a life based on 

thankfulness. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Thankfulness 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store 


14 


OctOber / NOvember 2020

PRODucTS & RESOuRcES 

Your generosity helps us develop life-changing, 

faith-based resources. Please consider including 

a donation with your purchase. 

LISTEN NOW! 

Listen to our broadcast as Brad 

and Marilyn Rhoads, cofounders 

of Grace Marriage, offer insights 

into strengthening the marriage 

you have. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Grace 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio 

years. She said her car was in the shop, so all they 

had to rely on was her husband’s nice car and her 

teenage son’s old car. She explained that her husband 

loved his car, so she assumed she’d drive her 

son’s car to work. But her husband gave her his 

car. She said, “In giving me his car and being willing 

to drive the old, rusty one, my husband died to 

his pride, desire for convenience and comfort so I 

would have something good.” 

I came home from the study with a new perspective. 

I began to see all the ways my husband 

“dies” daily for me and has through the years— 

offering me the only remaining portion of dessert, 

letting me choose the Friday night movie or visiting 

my parents instead of his for the holidays. 

Basically, any of his efforts to put me first. 

Thinking of these filled me with thankfulness. 

There’s just not much room in my heart for criticism 

or complaint if I’m actively looking for ways I 

am thankful for my spouse. 

Fall is here, and my thoughts turn to 

Thanksgiving, that holiday when we focus on all 

we have to be grateful for. I offer one more reason 

to learn to be thankful: Marriages grow stronger 

and life gets sweeter when we start exercising gratitude 

for our spouse. • 

Harriet e. michael is a book author, a freelance article writer and 

a grateful wife. 

NEW 

NEW 

ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY 

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Wondering what happened to morrie 

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9 LIES THAT WILL DESTROY 

YOUR MARRIAGE 

bY rObert PAUL AND 

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SWEPT INTO THE SEA 

bY cHrIS brAcK AND SHeILA SeIFert 

Patrick and beth travel back to the 

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Get the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

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cOuPlES / CONFLICT 

a cure for 

in-law conflict 

scenarios: 

“MY SON NEVER had a problem with that until . . .” Though 

Ella’s mother-in-law didn’t finish the sentence, Ella was only too 

aware that she came after the “until.” 

LILLY’S MOTHER-IN-LAW often dropped by unannounced. 

One day she came over while Lilly was cleaning for a party 

that evening. Lilly felt overwhelmed and stressed, and 

afterward, she complained to her husband, who didn’t 

understand the problem. 

Learn how to defuse family friction 

during the holiday season 

BY GINGER KOLBABA 

Parent-in-Law Problems 

When you said “I do,” you gained a 

whole new set of relatives. Conflict may 

arise between you and your in-laws as 

extended families adjust to new normals. 

Here are some tips: 

Communicate. Your parents-in-law 

can’t read your mind. So with kindness, 

explain how you feel when they imply 

that you’re the problem. Often they’ll 

understand. If they don’t, it’s time to find 

a solution with your spouse. 

Stand united. It’s important that a couple 

sets their own family boundaries, 

such as, “Before dropping by, please 

phone or text.” When it’s necessary to 

communicate a boundary to in-laws, 

usually it’s better if a spouse presents it 

to his or her own parents. 

Allow different opinions. Your in-laws 

may freely share their opinions, but 

unsolicited comments can create conflict. 

It can help to think of your in-laws’ 

opinions as just being different from 

yours—not right or wrong. Remember, 

you don’t have to agree with their opinions 

or change to accommodate them. 

JOY AND STEVE WERE GRATEFUL that Joy’s parents loved 

spending time with their three children. But Steve dreaded the 

continual parenting tips that Joy’s dad gave him. “It feels like he 

thinks I’m doing everything wrong,” Steve complained. 

If an in-law appears to be mentally mentally 

unstable or coercive or coercive in his in or his her or 

her relationships, consider consider talking talking to a 

unstable 

counselor. to a counselor. <strong>Focus</strong> <strong>Focus</strong> on the on Family the Family offers 

a Canada one-time, offers complimentary a one-time, complimentartation 

from consultation a Christian from perspective. a Christian 

consul- 

To perspective. reach a licensed To reach or our pastoral team counselor, 

registered call 855-771-HELP counselors, call (4357) 1-800- 

of 

weekdays 661-9800 between weekdays 6 between a.m. and 8 a.m. p.m. 

and Mountain 4 p.m. time. Pacific time. 

FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA 

16 



scenarios: 

CONFLICT / cOuPlES 

Kid-in-Law Discord 

When our children grow up and marry, 

we hope they’ll choose someone they 

love—and someone we like. Even 

when they do, this means change for 

all involved. So when conflicts arise, 

remember that this is a time of transition. 

Be patient as you adjust to the new 

normal of family relationships. Here are 

some tips: 

Keep it positive. It’s OK to address frustrations 

with a kid-in-law, but state your 

concerns without name-calling, guilt 

playing or character bashing. Don’t escalate 

the conflict by making demands or 

giving ultimatums. 

If you’ve spoken your piece and 

nothing changes, it’s time to hold your 

tongue. Pray about the situation. Then 

continue to give your kid-in-law grace 

and show respect where you can. 

Respect decisions. Although you may be 

disappointed with where your childrenin-law 

want to spend their time, you need 

to respect their choices. Your children’s 

allegiance now falls to their spouses—not 

you. Though you might hope they’ll take 

into consideration your desire to spend 

time with them, you have to remember 

that you and your spouse made your own 

way when you were married. So respect 

your kids’ decisions, even if their choices 

disappoint you. 

SHERILYN’S HEART SANK as she spoke to her son. “You’ve 

missed almost every holiday with us since you’ve been married. 

Surely Rosa can miss one Thanksgiving with her family.” 

“Yeah, Mom, but it’s really important to her.” 

It’s really important to us, too, Sherilyn thought. She had 

reached out to Rosa to express how much she enjoyed her presence 

and wanted to share a holiday with her, but Rosa didn’t 

seem interested. 

MATTHEW AND HIS WIFE, Emmy, didn’t like the way their 

son-in-law barely looked up from his phone whenever they 

were together. When they mentioned it, the conversation 

didn’t go well. 

ANN WAS A WIDOW and enjoyed visiting with her daughter, 

but her son-in-law constantly dominated the conversation, 

talking about whatever currently outraged him. Sometimes, 

Ann just wanted to catch up on what was going on in their lives. 

HOW YOU RESPOND may set a precedent 

for how your future interactions will look. So “if possible, 

so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” 

(Romans 12:18). This is especially true as it relates to 

in-laws. It’s always best to remember that your in-laws 

play a significant role in your spouse’s or child’s life. 

Approaching a conflict with metaphorical guns 

blazing isn’t going to win any battles. That means 

you may need to refrain from speaking at times. And 

when you do need to speak, before you say anything, 

ask yourself, Will my words honor who this person is? 

Being kind in your interactions will help you get along 

as you develop your new normal together. • 

Ginger Kolbaba is a speaker and bestselling author. 


cOuPlES / REBUILDING TRUST 

18 



REBUILDING TRUST / cOuPlES 

restoring trust in light of your 

spouse’s pornography addiction 

BY JOANN CONDIE AND GEREMY F. KEETON 

ISTOCK.COM / SHAPECHARGE 

KAYLEE* RAN HER ARM 

ACROSS HER HUSBAND’S 

SIDE OF THE BED and wasn’t 

surprised to find it empty at 3:15 

a.m. For many years her husband, 

Jackson, struggled with insomnia, 

and he often read or played internet 

games until he was sleepy enough 

to come back to bed. Whenever she 

stirred awake to check on him, he 

usually urged her to go back to bed 

so at least one of them could get a 

full night’s sleep. 

On this particular night, Kaylee 

got up to search for her husband. 

She didn’t find Jackson reading 

in his chair in the family room. 

Instead, she saw a sliver of light 

under his office door—the light of 

his computer. 

Without knocking, she quietly 

entered the room. Jackson’s back 

was to the door. Kaylee had a full 

view of his computer. The sexual 

images she saw on his computer 

screen shocked and sickened her. 

“Jackson!” she gasped. 

Instantly he hit the close button, 

whirled around and shouted, “Why 

are you sneaking up on me?” 

Kaylee whispered, “I only wanted 

to see if you were OK.” 

She closed the door—angry, 

stunned and emotionally dazed. >>> 


cOuPlES / REBUILDING TRUST 

The road to healing 

Healing a marriage after the damage 

of a pornography addiction 

is no simple matter. By design, a 

healthy marriage requires faithful 

commitment from both parties. 

The same goes for healing a broken 

marriage—both spouses must 

take specific steps to restore their 

relationship. 

If you’ve discovered your spouse is 

looking at pornography or has been 

sexually impure in other ways, you 

may feel as if the floor has dropped 

out from beneath your feet. On 

the surface, you may be functioning 

pretty well—intact marriage, 

healthy children, steady job and 

busy family life. Perhaps no one 

would suspect that your household 

has been devastated by the impact 

of such actions. But the truth is that 

your stability has been shaken, and 

you are scrambling to hold everything 

together. 

WE’RE HERE TO HELP 

Seeing your 

spouse’s heart 

A second couple, Randy and Marcia, 

sought counseling for Randy’s battle 

with pornography addiction. 

“I told her I was sorry, and I 

meant it.” Randy gave Marcia a 

sheepish look, and then turned to 

the therapist. “It’s been months 

since I looked at pornography. 

We’ve attended these sessions for 

weeks now. How much longer is 

this going to take?” 

“It will take as long as it needs to 

take,” said the therapist. “But the 

more you pressure Marcia to trust 

you, the more difficult it will be for 

her. You have to see things from her 

perspective. Your long-term behavior 

cut her to the core. You’ve got 

to patiently and humbly follow a 

recovery plan that shows heart-level 

transformation and new, sincere 

relational skills, not merely a brief 

behavior change.” 

We can guide you as you take your first steps toward recovery. <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

offers canada a one-time, offers a one-time, complimentary complimentary consultation consultation from a christian from a christian perspective. perspective. to 

to reach reach a licensed our team or of pastoral registered counselor, counselors, call 855-771-HeLP call 1-800-661-9800 (4357) weekdays between 

68 a.m. and 84 p.m. mountain Pacific time, time or or email email us us at help@fotf.ca. 

at help@<strong>Focus</strong>OntheFamily.com. 

The therapist gestured toward 

Marcia. “If she is to have a fighting 

chance to heal, you will have 

to establish accountability and 

get the support of a trusted men’s 

group along with our couples’ 

counseling. It’s not safe for her to 

completely move on until she experiences 

a long-term trajectory of 

your behavior change.” 

Marcia folded her arms and nodded. 

The therapist’s gaze shifted in 

her direction. 

“As for you, Marcia,” she said, “as 

far as I can tell, Randy is beginning 

the path of repentance and healing. 

At some point you, too, have a 

choice. Your job is to hold goodwill 

in the journey and rightly evaluate 

his ‘trust deposits.’ You need to 

fairly recognize what is occurring 

in your husband’s life and acknowledge 

it, if in fact he is making true 

and sincere investments.” 

Rebuilding 

trust takes time 

Trust is fluid, like a river. It flows 

based on how consistently it’s fed. 

It takes daily input to keep trust at 

a healthy level. When a spouse discloses 

a pornography issue, trust 

ISTOCK.COM / JACOBLUND 

20 



REBUILDING TRUST / cOuPlES 

dries up. To fill it again, the individual 

must show trustworthiness 

dries through up. observable To fill it again, actions. the individual 

The good must news show is trustworthiness 

that just as a 

through water source observable can transform actions. a dry 

creek The into good a news flowing is that stream, just restoring 

trust source through can transform heart-invested a dry 

as a 

water 

actions creek into will a eventually flowing stream, help build restoring 

thriving trust through relationship. heart-invested Over time, 

a 

actions you and will your eventually mate will help experience build 

a moments thriving of relationship. relief and refreshment. 

Over time, 

you But it and takes your more mate than will just experience a few 

moments weeks for that of relief trust and to be refreshment. 

replenished. 

it takes Most more often, than it takes just a a number few 

But 

of weeks years for of that steady trust growth to be for replenished. 

to Most reach often, the point it takes where a number a full 

a marriage 

and of years unwavering of steady trust growth is in for place. 

marriage 

to this reach happens, the point it’s the where result a full of 

When 

and consistent unwavering accountability trust is in and place. sharing 

heart this to happens, heart through it’s the many result of 

When 

consistent transparent accountability conversations. and sharing 

heart to heart through many 

It transparent takes two conversations. 

Both of these couples had to learn 

It that takes neither two spouse could expect 

Both the other of these spouse couples to do had all the to learn work 

to that heal neither their spouse marriage. could They expect were 

going the other to have spouse to work to do in all tandem the work for 

their to heal relationship their marriage. to be They restored. were 

going In these to have stories, work the in husband’s tandem for 

their responsibility relationship was to be initiate restored. actions 

of In trust, these to stories, live in a the trustworthy husband’s 

way and to assure his wife that his 

behavior really had changed. This 

included a variety of actions that 

ensured fidelity and proved longterm 

responsibility commitment was to initiate recovery. actions 

of For trust, instance, to live in many a trustworthy recovery 

groups way and assist to assure individuals his wife in that developing 

behavior a list really of boundaries had changed. and This overt 

his 

safety included plans a variety to help of them actions battle that 

ensured temptation. fidelity They and agree proved to abide longterm 

these commitment specific points to and recovery. check in 

by 

with For their instance, counselor many and recovery supportive 

members assist individuals their circle. in If devel- 

they 

groups 

oping slip up a or list experience of boundaries intense and temptation, 

safety plans they discuss to help it them with battle their 

overt 

temptation. recovery partners They agree and decide to abide how by 

these to better specific respond points the and future. check This in 

journey with their to counselor restoring trust and supportive 

happen members overnight. in their circle. If they 

does not 

slip up or experience intense temptation, 

they trust discuss it with their 

Build 

through recovery partners action and decide how 

With to better your respond input, your in the husband future. can This 

journey learn which to restoring actions are trust most does meaningful 

happen to overnight. 

you and help build your 

not 

trust. These might include your husband 

making trust a quick phone call 

Build 

through or sending a action selfie that proves his 

With whereabouts. your input, It may your be husband holding can 

to learn computer which actions or phone are restrictions 

most meaningful 

a time. to you Other and steps help build might your be 

for 

downgrading trust. These might technology, include deleting your 

LISTEN NOW! 

Hear LISTEN the recovery NOW! story of a 

husband couple Hear making who the recovery faced a quick the story challenge phone of a 

call couple of or pornography sending who faced a selfie and the that invested challenge proves in 

recovering together. 

his whereabouts. of pornography It and may invested be holding 


recovering together. 

to computer or phone restrictions 


FreedomFromPornography 

for a time. Other steps might be 

downgrading technology, deleting 

problematic social media accounts, 

cutting off or minimizing risky relationships 

or even changing jobs. 

Typically, the struggler needs help 

and support in learning these steps 

and courageously taking them. 

We typically recommend that 

wives insist on these nonnegotiable 

trust-building actions for recovery 

to begin: Your husband offers full 

transparency with his digital devices 

and social media; he seeks male 

support and accountability and he 

seeks professional counseling. 

For you as the wife, your responsibility 

is to be willing to receive 

and accept your husband’s 

trust-building efforts. Do so without 

gullibility or turning a blind 

eye. But acknowledge if he is making 

true and sincere investments in 


NEW FROM 

FOCUS 

I feel betrayed! 

Now what? 

In Aftershock, an experienced 

counselor and a therapist 

share hope—and a practical 

recovery plan—based on 

biblical principles and leading 

clinical wisdom. Find strength 

as you confront infidelity and 

deal with betrayal. 

You can heal. 

You can recover. 

After the shock, what’s next? 

This guide from experienced 

counsellors will help women 

who have discovered their 

husband’s struggle with 

pornography take positive, 

biblically informed steps that 

help them find healing for 

themself, their husband and 

their marriage. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/aftershock 

Order online at 

© 2020 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca 

or call 1.800.661.9800 

TM 

your marriage. Even if his record is 

imperfect, you can be assured that 

your relationship is important to 

him if he is sincere and consistent 

in following through with his recovery 

plan as soon as struggles arise. 

Moving toward 

reconciliation 

If you are not open to forgiveness 

or reconciliation, your spouse’s 

work in earning your trust will not 

be meaningful to you. Likewise, 

if you don’t take care of yourself 

physically, emotionally and spiritually, 

you will be unable to recognize 

or receive even your mate’s best 

efforts of reconciliation. You will 

not have the energy to see the 

changes in behavior. At that point, 

both of you will be more likely to 

give up on your marriage. 

Of course, you’ve been through 

a lot. You will need time to process 

your pain and loss before you can 

expect to reconcile. But when you 

are ready to move toward recovery, 

your steps should include nourishing 

your spiritual life, working 

with a professional counselor, taking 

care of your physical needs and 

seeking the help of a specialized 

support group. 

You’re facing a difficult but potentially 

rewarding road ahead. With 

patience, the process of rebuilding 

trust is doable. As a couple matures 

through recovery, they often witness 

each other’s hard work and dedication 

to repair the relationship, and in 

turn experience hope. Restoration of 

a marriage is truly possible—perhaps 

even building a relationship better 

than it was before! • 

*Names have been changed to protect 

identities. 

Joann condie is a retired counseling 

professional and served as a licensed 

professional counselor at <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family. Geremy F. Keeton is a marriage and 

family therapist at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. this 

article is adapted from their book, Aftershock: 

Overcoming his secret life with pornography, 

a plan for recovery, a <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

resource published by tyndale House 

Publishers. copyright © 2020 <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family. All rights reserved. 

FREEDOM NO PORN FROM 

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ISTOCK.COM / GPOINTSTUDIO

DIFFERENCES / cOuPlES 

facing the giants 

in your marriage 

When relationship problems 

seem insurmountable, have 

the courage to defeat them 

together 

BY DR. GREG SMALLEY 



LEAH AND BRANDON 

LEAH AND BRANDON 

couldn’t have been more different. 

couldn’t She was a have wild been extrovert. more different. He, a 

solid She was introvert. a wild extrovert. They seemed He, a 

solid pretty introvert. unlikely pair, They and seemed you’d a be 

pretty forgiven unlikely if you thought pair, and they you’d had be 

nothing forgiven in if you common. thought they had 

nothing They might’ve in common. assumed so, too— 

until They they might’ve talked assumed to each other. so, too— That 

first until conversation they talked to proved each other. how alike That 

they first conversation were in many proved other respects, how alike 

and they it were didn’t in take many long other for respects, the pair 

and to become it didn’t inseparable take long for and the eventually 

to become marry. inseparable and eventu- 

pair 

ally But marry. it was a matter of time before 

their But differences it was a matter caused of time some before problems. 

differences In year three caused of their some marriage, prob- 

their 

they lems. started In year fighting three of and their seldom marriage, 

saw they eye started to eye. fighting “All our and differences,” 

seldom 

Leah saw eye said, to “felt eye. “All like our major differences,” issues for 

Leah us—highlighting said, “felt like the major flaws issues we saw for in 

each us—highlighting other. We weren’t the flaws meeting we saw each in 

other each other. halfway We on weren’t anything, meeting and each I 

often other felt halfway like I on picked anything, the wrong and I person. 

. felt . . Still, like I I knew picked God the was wrong telling per- 

often 

me son. to . . hang . Still, in I knew there.” God was telling 

me to hang in there.” 

For more about tackling giants 

Fight in your marriage, for your see marriage 

Greg’s full 

When article relationship <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/ 

problems feel 

MarriageGiants. 

Fight for your marriage 

When insurmountable, relationship it problems can require feel the 

courage insurmountable, of David. it No can one require believed the in 

courage the young of shepherd. David. No And one yet believed David in 

the stood young before shepherd. Goliath, And armed yet with David only 

a stood simple before sling Goliath, and five armed smooth with stones. only 

a simple Giants sling can appear and five in smooth all shapes stones. 

and Giants sizes: can from appear infidelity all to shapes in-laws; 

and from sizes: pornography from infidelity to pride. to in-laws; Fighting 

from for your pornography marriage is to hard. pride. You Fighting and 

your for your spouse marriage might is need hard. to You overcome and 

your years spouse of unhealthy might relationship need to overcome patterns. 

of Well-intended unhealthy relationship people might pat- 

years 

terns. be giving Well-intended you or your people spouse might bad 

advice. be giving Facing you or these your giants spouse requires bad 

advice. courage—radical Facing these courage. giants requires 

courage—radical Why? Marriage courage. requires vulnerability. 

Why? To Marriage work through requires challenges, vulnerability. 

you have To to work give through your spouse challenges, access 

you to the have most to vulnerable give your spouse part of access you— 

your to the heart. most That vulnerable leaves part you open of you— to 

your hurt. heart. But it also That opens leaves you to open healing to 

and hurt. reconciliation. 

But it also opens you to healing 

and reconciliation. 

Don’t lose heart 

Don’t lose heart 

It took Leah and Brandon years to 

create It took a Leah marriage and Brandon they both years love. to 

They create went a marriage to counseling. they both They love. were 

They deeply went committed to counseling. to each They other were and 

deeply dependent committed on God. to It each wasn’t other one and shot 

dependent on God. It wasn’t one shot 

but a constant peppering of love and 

effort. but a constant And in the peppering end, the of giant love fell. and 

effort. “But Greg,” And in you the end, say, “how the giant long fell. do I 

keep “But fighting Greg,” you for my say, marriage?” 

“how long do I 

keep I’m fighting not suggesting for my marriage?” 

that you stay in 

an I’m abusive not suggesting marriage, that but for you all stay others, 

an abusive ask God marriage, how long but He for wants all oth- 

you 

in 

ers, to keep ask God fighting. how long He wants you 

to Leah keep says, fighting. “Marriage is work, but 

the Leah work says, is worth “Marriage it. . . . is The work, best but 

things the work are is worth fighting it. . . . The for.” best 

things Dr. Greg are Smalley worth is the fighting vice president for.” of 

marriage and Family Formation at <strong>Focus</strong> 

• 

Dr. Greg Smalley is the vice president of 

on marriage the Family. and Family He is the Formation co-author at <strong>Focus</strong> of 

Reconnected: the Family. He Moving is the from co-author roommates of to 

soulmates Reconnected: in your Moving marriage from and roommates Fight Your to Way 

soulmates to a Better in Marriage. your marriage and Fight Your Way 

to For a Better more Marriage. about tackling giants in 

your For more marriage, about see tackling Greg’s giants full article in your 

marriage, see Greg’s full article 

FIGHT YOUR WAY TO 

FIGHT A BETTER YOUR MARRIAGE WAY TO 

A BETTER MARRIAGE 

Conflict is inevitable in marriage. 

This Conflict free, is seven-part inevitable video in marriage. series 

This can free, help seven-part you turn conflict video series into 

something can help you that turn can conflict strengthen into 

your something bond. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ 

that can strengthen 

your bond. FightYourWay 

Visit <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily. 

com/BetterMarriage. 


cOuPlES / SUPPORTING A DREAM 

abused 

kids and 

wounded 

horses 

How one couple 

worked together 

to fulfill a dream 

of caring for both 

BY BENJAMIN HAWKINS 

PHOTOS BY REBECCA CAIN 

KIM TSCHIRRET’S DREAM 

to help hurting children grew from 

her own childhood pain and her love 

for a horse. Her father was an alcoholic, 

and he would often abuse his 

wife and children emotionally and 

verbally. But Kim found one safe 

place, one outlet for processing her 

confusion and hurt. She loved to 

spend time riding and grooming her 

American Saddlebred horse, Country. 

“There was a bond and a connection 

that we had,” she says. “The 

barn was my haven. It was the place 

where I didn’t get yelled at, where my 

life wasn’t turned upside down.” 

As God would have it, Kim’s love 

for Country prompted her, in 2010, 

to begin Hope Reins, an equine 

therapy ranch that aims to help 

children who have suffered abuse 

and other forms of trauma and 

pain. During the past decade, the 

ranch has offered 30,000 individual 

therapy sessions, at no cost, to 

hurting children. 

‘I believe in you’ 

Years before, Kim moved to Chicago 

to start a business career. There 

she met and married her husband, 

Mike. As their family began to grow, 

24 



SUPPORTING A DREAM / cOuPlES 

mike and Kim tschirret 

Kim put her career aside to care for 

their two children. 

In 2007, her church hosted a ladies’ 

retreat, where one of the teachers 

asked a question that would transform 

Kim’s life: “What is something 

that you used to love to do that you 

don’t do anymore?” 

Kim’s mind went immediately 

to her childhood horse. Soon after 

the retreat, she enrolled in riding 

lessons. Mike supported her 

new passion and noticed how it 

refreshed her. But Kim felt there was 

something more that God wanted 

to do with her love for horses. 

While looking for books on “Jesus 

and horses,” she found Hope Rising by 

Kim Meeder. The book told the stories 

of abused horses and hurting 

children who helped one another find 

healing. During the week that followed, 

she read the book twice. One 

night as she read, Mike found Kim in 

tears. Kim says, “I knew right then that 

was what the Lord wanted me to do.” 

Eventually, Kim was able to share 

with Mike her vision to help hurting 

children be comforted by God’s love 

and compassion, a dream motivated 

by 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. But even 

as she described her dream, she 

began to wonder whether she could 

achieve it. After all, they didn’t have 

money to start the ministry, or pay 

the childcare costs for their two kids. 

“Mike,” she asked, “is this crazy?” 

“Slow down and take a breath,” he 

replied. “We obviously have a lot to 

figure out, but let’s try to take it one 

step at a time for now, OK? You want 

this. You can do this. So we will figure 

it out. I believe in you.” 

‘My encourager’ 

During the ministry’s early years, 

Mike did everything he could to 

help Kim flourish in her calling. 

And though he has never discovered 

a personal connection with horses, 

he has always enjoyed visiting the 

ranch. He especially loved watching 

Kim groom Selah. A reddish-brown 

horse with a long white patch on her 

muzzle, Selah had survived the cruelty 

of her former owner. Selah was 

also a Saddlebred, just like Kim’s 

childhood horse, Country. 

“Mike was my No. 1 encourager,” 

Kim says. “He also helped me a lot 

with the kids—picking them up 

from school, helping with dinner. . 

. . In those formative years of Hope 

Reins, I couldn’t have done it without 

his support.” 

From the beginning, Hope Reins 

resided on a 20-acre plot, leased 

from a local church for only $1 per 

month. But they had only pastureland, 

an outdoor arena, a portable 

toilet and a 12-by-12-foot shed with 

one lightbulb to serve as a welcome 

center. Moreover, the waiting list of 

children wanting to come to Hope 

Reins exceeded the ranch’s capacity. 

So in 2015, as the demand for ministry 

increased and the lease on their 

land was coming to a close, Kim felt 

they needed to relocate. 

A new home 

for Hope Reins 

When the couple first stepped onto a 

33-acre ranch outside Raleigh, North 

Carolina, Kim and Mike wondered 

why they had even bothered to visit. 

Granted, the property was beautiful, 

complete with a 4,000-square-foot 

log cabin and two ponds. But it was 

priced at $4 million, and at that time, 

Hope Reins had only a $300,000 

annual budget. 

Then as the price of the ranch 

came down, Hope Reins bid $1 million 

for the property, requesting a 

six-month due diligence period for 

raising funds. To their surprise, the 

offer was accepted. Then, only two 

hours later, the U.S. Department of 

Agriculture offered Hope Reins a $1 

million, 40-year loan for purchasing 

the ranch. The loan is being paid off 

through the support of the ministry’s 

generous donors. >>> 


cOuPlES / SUPPORTING A DREAM 

twinkle and Avolina 

LISTEN NOW! 

Listen to a <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

broadcast where Kim Meeder 

shares how hurting kids have 

started to heal after being paired 

with abused horses. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Horses 


A horse named Twinkle 

Having watched God bring comfort 

to children through the horses at 

Hope Reins for more than a decade, 

Mike and Kim stand in awe. 

“We have seen kids’ lives completely 

transformed,” Kim says. 

“Kids themselves have said, ‘I 

wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for 

Hope Reins.’ It’s very humbling . . . 

to know what God is doing.” 

For example, Kim recalls the connection 

between Twinkle, a brown 

micro miniature horse with a sandy 

mane and white spots, and Avolina, 

a young girl with curly black hair. 

Both horse and girl had lived 

through horrors. By age 4, Avolina 

had faced starvation and physical 

abuse, and she watched helplessly as 

a family member beat and drowned 

her little brother in a bathtub. After 

being rescued and adopted by a 

police officer, Avolina came to Hope 

Reins. There she met Twinkle, who’d 

been rescued out of a junkyard from 

starvation and ill treatment. 

When Avolina saw Twinkle for the 

first time, the tiny horse still couldn’t 

walk. Sympathizing with Twinkle’s 

pain, Avolina sought to comfort her. 

As a result, Avolina slowly found 

healing for her own hurts. 

Alongside days of sunshine and 

blessing, Kim and Mike have seen 

days of sadness and rain. On April 13, 

2020, Twinkle passed away. But this 

tiny horse left a legacy of courage for 

the children who have known her. 

“Even living in her pain, she had 

a purpose,” Kim says. “She showed 

people what it looks like, even 

though you’re hurting, to continue 

walking in hope.” • 

benjamin Hawkins is a freelance writer and 

associate editor of The Pathway, the news 

journal of the missouri baptist convention. 

26 



Faith & Inspiration 

enough light 

for each step 

Spiritual insights from <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family leadership 

BY KEN WINDEBANK 

“Therefore do not be anxious 

about tomorrow, for tomorrow 

will be anxious for itself. Sufficient 

for the day is its own trouble.” 

—Matthew 6:34 

Ken Windebank and a new friend in the Holy Land 

COURTESY OF KEN WINDEBANK 

WHAT CAUSES YOU TO 

FEEL WEARY? Perhaps it’s the 

overall struggles of this past year. A 

personal economic pinch as the 

nation struggles to recover from 

COVID-19. A lost job. A lost business. 

Lost relationships. Grief. 

After 26 years of working at <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family, I’ve heard repeatedly 

that we serve at the pleasure of the 

Lord—that the resources He gives 

us are what we need in order to 

accomplish the work He has for us 

in that season. This truth has always 

resonated with me. Yet at times, the 

shortfall between our budget and 

our donations causes weariness to 

creep into my heart. 

But God got my attention through 

one of Ray Vander Laan’s devotions. 

Ray began by sharing how the Bible 

compares life to a walk. 

God desires that we walk on the 

path of righteousness. After reading 

Psalm 119:105, “Your word is a lamp 

to my feet and a light to my path,” 

Ray held up a first-century lamp. 

He explained that this lamp would 

have given a person walking at night 

enough light for little more than the 

next step. He noted the psalmist 

wasn’t asking God to light his path 

for many miles down the road; he 

trusted God to give him just enough 

light for the next step. 

These words were the reminder I 

needed. In all areas of our lives, no 

matter where you are or the struggles 

you’re facing, run to God for His 

provision for today, and don’t worry 

about next week or next month. 

There will always be ups and 

downs along the way (everyone and 

every ministry face this). But no matter 

what we experience today, our 

job is to plan and prepare as best we 

can, remain faithful in carrying out 

our calling each day and trust that 

God will reveal the light we need— 

one step at a time. • 

Ken Windebank is the chief operating officer 

at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. He and his wife, tina, 

have been married for 32 years. they have five 

grown children and two daughters-in-law. 

LIVING IN THE 

MASTER’S LIVING IN PLAN THE 

MASTER’S PLAN 

Your family will love these 30 

Your family family devotions will love from these Ray 30 

family Vander devotions Laan featuring from Ray original Vander 

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MastersPlan. 


FaITH & INSPIRaTION / BIBLE LITERACY 

Bringing the Bible to Life 

This groundbreaking 

video series visits the 

lands of the Bible to 

reveal more about 

God’s Word 

BY SCOTT JOHNSON 

ISTOCK.COM / CHARDAY PENN 

28 



BIBLE LITERACY / FaITH & INSPIRaTION 

ray vander Laan teaching on an excursion 

overlooking the Parthenon in Greece 

THE ANCIENT LAND of Israel 

is a testimony. An evidence . . . of the 

greatness of what God did in that 

country. A testimony to the truth of 

the words that we find in the pages of 

the Bible. 

Those were the introductory 

words of a groundbreaking video 

series that debuted in the summer 

of 1995—and continues today. It’s 

a series that takes viewers to the 

locations and settings we read 

about in Scripture, offering contextual 

insights into how the people of 

Bible times experienced and understood 

what we may have read—and 

perhaps skipped over—hundreds 

of times. 

This long-running video series, 

hosted by a gifted communicator 

and teacher named Ray Vander Laan, 

is called That the World May Know. 

More than we recognize 

When Ray was obtaining his 

Master of Divinity degree in the 

mid-1970s, he had the opportunity 

to study in Israel. 

“When I got to the Middle East 

and looked at the Bible the way 

Hebrew people do,” he says, “it 

struck me there were insights, additional 

nuances and meanings that 

are not easily seen from a Western 

FOTF STAFF 

1995 1996 1996 1997 



Filming a tour in Athens, Greece, for 

volume No. 15, A Clash of Kingdoms 

Filming a tour near the Sea of Galilee, 

for volume No. 14, The Mission of Jesus 

The Bible Comes Alive 

“What I have enjoyed most about 

the That the World May Know 

series is the connectedness 

and explanation of the historical 

time period and what was 

going on with the spread of 

Christianity. When you understand 

the culture of the day, the 

Bible becomes so much clearer.” 

—Vaughan 

FOTF STAFF 

1999 2005 2006 2009 

30 



BIBLE LITERACY / FaITH & INSPIRaTION 

point of view. It isn’t that we have 

it wrong or can’t understand it. It’s 

that there’s even more than we 

might recognize.” 

As Ray embarked on a 45-yearsand-counting 

career as a Bible 

teacher, he continued to bolster 

and inform his Christian faith 

through graduate and doctoral 

studies at some of the largest Jewish 

universities in the world, along with 

extensive research into rabbinical 

tradition. He also began leading 

excursions to the Middle East. 

In 1993, Ray led a tour that 

included <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family supporters 

and the ministry’s founder, 

Dr. James Dobson. The impact of 

that experience led to a revolutionary 

idea: <strong>Focus</strong> would send a film 

crew on one of Ray’s tours to document 

his teaching. 

When that first video was 

released in 1995, viewer response 

was unprecedented. Twenty-five 

years later, 16 volumes of the series 

have been released, and several 

associated resources are currently 

in development. Over the years 

“RVL” (as he’s affectionately nicknamed) 

has since guided more than 

10,000 people on excursions to the 

lands of the Bible. Millions more 

have viewed video tours via That 

the World May Know. 

Throw your stone 

“The title for the series comes from a 

phrase I noticed in David’s confrontation 

with Goliath,” Ray says. “David 

said [paraphrasing 1 Samuel 17:46]: 

‘I’m going to throw this stone that the 

world may know there is a God in 

Israel.’ And I thought that idea captures 

the essence of the biblical story. 

“David, a teenager at the time, simply 

did what he had become good 

at doing as a shepherd—throwing 

rocks. So I challenge my students: 

‘Throw your stone. God has gifted 

you in something. You throw the 

stone that He has entrusted to you. 

You don’t do it so the world may 

know about you. You do it that the 

world may know what God is like.’ 

And I think that’s a great way of 

thinking about our role—to live that 

the world may know. God saves people 

and tells us to become His living 

picture of what it looks like when He 

is in charge of our lives.” 

A recurring theme throughout 

That the World May Know is the 

Jewish concept of shalom—God’s 

peace, completeness and order amid 

chaos. “The way you shape a culture,” 

Ray says, “is by living out the 

message of shalom in your marriage, 

in your family, in your business, in 

your recreation. And as others see it, 

they’re drawn to God.” 

Placed for influence 

As Westerners, many of us don’t 

really have a good grasp on the geography 

of the Bible. 

“Geographically speaking,” Ray 

says, “if you recognize that Israel 

was the land bridge that linked 

world empires, then you understand 

the concept that God put 

His people at a specific spot on 

the stage of history. It was the one 

place where they would be in constant 

contact with the world around 

them.” Ray suggests this was God’s 

way of conveying an important 

message to His people: “I’m putting 

you where everyone will know you 

and see you, because I want you to 

live out your godliness before the 

rest of the world.” 

“Peter says it this way [paraphrasing 

1 Peter 2:12]: ‘Live such good lives 

before your pagan neighbors, that 

though they may accuse you of doing 

wrong, they will see your good deeds 

and give glory to our Father in heaven.’ 

That only happens if your neighbors 

can actually see how you live.” 

Another theme throughout the 

Bible—and the series—is the desert. 

That theme became very personal 

for Ray during a health crisis in 2005. 

“I felt like I was in a desert,” he says. 

“Then I realized that God’s people 

were born in the desert. >>> 

2009 2010 2010 2011 



ray sharing insights on an 

excursion to capernaum 

A Date With God 

“My husband and I own all of the 

That the World May Know DVD sets. 

We have watched them countless 

times. God has used these videos to 

help us weather job loss, health crises, 

relationship/emotional struggles 

and spiritual droughts. Each episode 

has taught us and buoyed us in such a 

deep way.” 

—Cheri 

Abraham and Moses were desert 

men. David and Jesus spent time in 

the desert. And it dawned on me that 

in the desert, I can’t make it myself. 

There’s no water. There’s no bread. 

There’s no shade. And so I turn to the 

only possible solution: God. That’s 

what the desert does. It drives people 

into the arms of God.” 

Changing times, a timeless 

message 

The first volume of That the World 

May Know was released a quarter 

century ago on VHS videocassette—the 

dominant format of the 

day—and the Leader’s Kit included 

pictures printed on transparencies 

(for use with an overhead projector!) 

to enhance group discussion. 

Obviously, a lot has changed 

since then. Today, all 16 volumes of 

That the World May Know are available 

on DVD, and the series’ website, 

ThatTheWorldMayKnow.com, 

offers each episode through streaming 

and digital download—along 

with an extended library of audio 

clips, supplemental articles and 

encyclopedia entries providing 

additional lesson support. Three 

of the more recent video volumes 

have been translated into Spanish 

and are now available digitally at 

ParaQueElMundoSepa.com. 

Join the story 

Ray Vander Laan’s forte is providing 

contextual background to familiar 

biblical passages. He often offers a 

metaphor: “If you look into a room 

through a certain window often 

enough, you get to know that room 

pretty well. But if there’s a second 

window, and you look into the same 

room from another angle—nothing 

has changed in the room, but you 

might notice something different. 

The Bible, Ray says, is not simply 

the source of our doctrinal truth. 

It’s a story set in a Jewish context 

from history. “The more you know 

about the time and place, the more 

vivid the story becomes. The better 

you understand the story in its setting, 

the more it invites you in to say, 

‘Become part of this.’ Don’t just know 

the story—join it.” • 

Scott Johnson is a senior writer in the ministry 

values division at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

FOTF STAFF 

2015 2016 2017 2018 

32 



THAT THE WORLD MAY KNOW / FaITH & INSPIRaTION 

Experiencing the 

Lands of the Bible 

my journey in the Judean Desert 

has taught me to read Scripture 

in a new way 

BY JEAN DALY 

JEN LINTS / ISTOCK.COM / PATTADIS WALARPUT 

I CAN ATTEST FROM 

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: 

It is hot in the Judean Desert! 

Jim and I first met Ray Vander 

Laan back in the mid-1990s when 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family began producing 

That the World May Know. 

As new videos in the series were 

released, each became a favorite 

in the Daly household. Jim and 

I would use these lessons for devotional 

times with our sons, Trent and 

Troy. Even as middle schoolers, our 

sons watched the video sessions and 

grasped many of the concepts. 

For years, Ray kept inviting us 

to experience one of his excursions 

firsthand. He would mention 

it every time Jim interviewed him 

for the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family broadcast. 

But there was always some type 

of schedule conflict. Finally, in 2016, 

Jim and I were able to go to Israel 

with one of Ray’s groups. The trip 

was truly life impacting. And it was 

challenging—the 14 days included 

110 miles of hiking! 

There is nothing quite like hearing 

Ray teach on the murmuring 

Israelites who were wandering in 

the desert, when you’ve been hiking 

for hours in that same hot desert 

and murmuring a bit to yourself. You 

don’t just hear the message—you 

feel it. 

It is extraordinary and moving 

to look down into what may 

well have been the apostle Peter’s 

house, where Jesus healed many; 

to stand in the actual valley where 

David picked up rocks from the 

dry riverbed to face Goliath; or to 

be immersed in the River Jordan 

where John baptized Jesus. It’s so 

humbling to stand in a garden that 

may be Gethsemane, listening to 

Ray teach about the night of Jesus’ 

betrayal—hearing again how He 

prayed alone while Peter, James and 

John were supposed to keep watch 

but slept. You stand there and can 

almost see the scene being described. 

You feel these moments. It brings the 

Bible to life. 

You sit—tired, hot and thirsty— 

under a small broom tree that 

provides just a bit of relief from the 

heat of the desert. Ray teaches on 

Psalm 121:5, which says, “The Lord 


Transform Your 

Understanding 

of Scripture 

With Ray Vander Laan 

Journey to biblical locations 

with the DVD series 

That the World May Know. 

Join renowned teacher 

Cultures in Conflict (#16) 

and takes historian you Athens Ray Vander 

Laan Corinth as he to guides 

consider how 

Paul presented the gospel in 

Greco-Roman you through the cultures lands 

that 

of valued the Bible. wealth, In each 

status 

and pleasure-seeking 

lesson, above Vander all else. Laan 

Great 

illuminates lessons for the sharing historical, 

Christ 

in today’s world! 

geographical, and cultural 

context of the sacred 

Scriptures. You and your 

small group will see God’s 

Word with fresh eyes! 

is your shade on your right hand.” 

The metaphor of the desert and the 

shade comes to life as Ray compares 

them to the hard and painful 

aspects of life and God’s provision. 

The shade from the broom tree is 

minimal; it’s not the vast shade of an 

oak tree, but it provides just enough 

relief for us to continue our journey. 

On another day, as you’re crossing 

the desert as the Israelites did—tired, 

hot and thirsty once again—you 

stop at a very small tuft of greenery 

that looks like a tiny patch of 

weeds growing through the sand. 

Ray astounds you with the insight 

that this is the “green pastures” that 

David writes about in Psalm 23. As 

Westerners, we imagine the green 

pastures as lush, beautiful and pastoral 

. . . but Ray says that this isn’t 

what David was experiencing. The 

green pastures of Psalm 23 are small 

tufts of grass between scattered 

rocks. Under the shepherd’s guidance, 

the sheep move from tuft to 

tuft, finding just enough to sustain 

them through their journey each 

day. Seeing this illustrates that God 

doesn’t generally give us more than 

what we need, or even what we 

think we need. He wants us to trust 

that He will give us just enough in 

each moment. 

Of course, I realize that many people 

simply can’t go on a tour with 

Ray Vander Laan. It’s physically 

demanding; it’s costly. And I don’t 

know what travel restrictions might 

be in place when you read this. 

The next best thing is watching 

the That the World May Know series 

right at home. Ray’s rich knowledge 

of Jewish customs and teachings, as 

well as his understanding of the original 

Hebrew and Greek languages, 

illuminates passages of Scripture 

in fresh ways. Every teaching in the 

series shows us something new about 

God and clarifies the Scriptures in 

ways that we would not fully understand 

without the background to 

bring up a line Ray provides. 

I am so excited about Ray’s 

in-depth teaching that I want to 

share it with everyone. I pray That 

the World May Know impacts your 

family as it has mine. • 

Jean Daly co-authored The Best Year of Your 

Marriage with her husband, Jim. 

Jim and Jean Daly on their trip 

to Israel with ray vander Laan 

©2020 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

ThatTheWorldMayKnow.com 

ꢀꢁꢂꢃꢁ ꢀꢄꢅꢆꢄꢃ ꢇꢈ 

ꢀꢁꢂꢃ.ꢄꢂꢅꢆꢀꢂꢇꢈꢁꢉꢄꢊꢋꢌꢍꢎ.ꢅꢊ 

ꢀꢁ ꢉꢇꢅꢅ 1.800.661.9800 

COURTESY OF JIM AND JEAN DALY

Kids & Teens 

Jill, mike, Sebastian, riley and robert 

Supporting foster or adoptive 

families is easier than you think 

BY JILL KELLER 

PHOTOS BY SARA HUGGARD 


THE EMAIL FROM OUR SOCIAL WORKER came on a chilly 

November afternoon. Three young siblings were in need of a home: two 

boys, ages 3 and 2, and a 10-month-old girl. The state of Wisconsin was looking 

for a foster family who was open to adoption. Would Mike and I consider 

taking them in? 

At the time, we were certified foster parents and had been on the waiting 

list for birth moms making adoption plans. But there hadn’t been a match 

yet. I remember mentioning to our social worker that we would consider a set 

of younger siblings already in foster care. “Maybe twins, or even three kids, if 

there was a special situation.” 

She remembered my comment. 

Mike and I read the message several times, praying about it before sending 

off a quick note. A few days later, three little ones were sleeping under our roof. 

Headfirst, we dove into the world of foster care. 

As I look back at what helped us through this time, I realize that simple gestures 

from a community of friends, family and neighbors breathed life into 

our weary souls as we embarked on becoming parents of foster children. If 

you know someone who has recently fostered children or adopted children 

from foster care, here are a few ways you can reach out. 

36 



FOSTER-CARE ADOPTION KIDS & TEENS 

Just ask us 

This step may seem too easy, but it’s often overlooked. 

Every family is different, and what may 

be helpful for one family might not be needed for 

another. So ask foster families how you can be a 

blessing during their time of transition. 

We had one weekend to prepare our house for 

three toddlers. They arrived with a medium-sized 

duffel bag of clothing—and that’s it. I cried when 

I unpacked it. Most of the clothing was the wrong 

size, and certainly not appropriate for a Wisconsin 

winter. Both boys kept stumbling because their 

shoes were way too big. 

But before long, generous friends gave us bags 

of hand-me-down clothes and toys. These things 

truly ministered to my heart and blessed our family. 

A neighbor who had adopted and fostered 

children dropped by to ask if she could pick up 

something special for the kids from town. Our 

energetic 3-year-old’s eyes lit up. “Fidget spinner?” 

he suggested. 

I might have said a picture book or a pack of 

sidewalk chalk, but that simple little toy brought 

so much joy to our little guy’s heart. I was so glad 

someone just asked. 

Help us feel . . . normal? 

We were the third set of caregivers for these kids, 

and there were clear markers of childhood trauma. 

We didn’t really get a honeymoon period—more 

like honeymoon moments of giggles and hugs. But 

there was also lots of kicking and screaming from 

our kids just . . . adjusting to life within a stable 

and structured family. 

Needless to say, scheduling family pictures 

wasn’t really on our to-do list. Most days that list 

was “survive until bedtime.” One of our neighbors 

has a photography business. She offered to give us 

a free formal photo session on the day we adopted 

our children. We now have some fantastic photos 

of our family, thanks to this wonderful gift. 

One of my favorite bring-me-to-tears memories 

is when a friend spent several days with me. One 

night, she asked how she could help me. “What 

would you be doing right now if I wasn’t here?” she 

wanted to know. 

I answered, “Mopping the floor.” So she mopped 

my kitchen and dining room floor. She served me 

in a way I will never forget. 

It’s that little bit of extra care that gives me 

energy to press on in the tough moments. Simple 


gestures such as texting a compliment, a word of 

encouragement, an uplifting Scripture. Praying for 

us. Shipping a gift to our home. Coffee, chocolate 

or Cool Ranch Doritos. These things refresh my 

soul and give me a jolt of strength for the day. 

Be there for backup 

I’m so grateful for my children’s Sunday school 

and friends and family who sit with the kids so I 

can join the worship team. I need that space, the 

time to worship and remember that I, too, am a 

child of God. 

When my parents or my in-laws come over, they 

read books with the kids, sing, feed them, help get 

shoes and mittens on, zip coats and give lots of hugs. 

Our friends play with the kids, take them on nature 

walks while I try to catch up on laundry or cleaning, 

or any of a thousand other things on my list. 

The month after the kids arrived, the flu bug hit 

our house. Thankfully, they avoided it, but it was 

crazy trying to keep them quiet so Mike could rest. 

Then I got sick, and we had to call for backup. 

Mike’s sister agreed to take the boys. They had 

much more fun there, which included three cousins 

to play with. Mike and I just kept our baby girl, 

who was still napping twice a day—a schedule 

Mike and I shared until we felt better. 

Respect our limitations 

I’m by nature a peacemaker, maybe even a bit of 

a perfectionist. I want to make people happy by 

showing up and doing a great job. But I have limitations. 

And saying yes to all the activities and 

opportunities available to me often means saying 

a definite no to my family, and to caring for myself 

and my marriage. Sometimes the best gift you 

can give to your favorite foster or adoptive parent 

is time to recharge. And when I return—from 

the basement, from the grocery store, from a walk, 

from just sitting in the car by myself—I appreciate 

visitors. Just ask. Conversely, I am grateful to all 

those who respect my “no thanks” and my “not 

this time,” yet are still kind and supportive. 

Lend a listening ear 

After becoming a foster mom, I soon realized that 

I was experiencing not only a huge life change, 

but also secondary trauma, as I empathized with 

the children in my home. My heart broke as I read 

through sterile court documents and learned 

more about their life experiences. 

I truly appreciated people who could answer 

questions instead of trying to offer their opinions 

about the foster care system or parenting or use 

our story as ammunition for their cause. I wish I

FOSTER-CARE ADOPTION / KIDS & TEENS 

Learn For more more about resources helping about foster foster and adoptive adoption: 

families <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Foster-Care. 

In canada: WaitingToBelong.ca. 

Grandparents, cousins, our siblings, friends, pastor 

and pastors wife, our Lutheran Social Services social 

worker on the Keller's adoption day. 

had prioritized this need earlier on, while we were 

new to the fostering world. Going to a therapist or 

regularly meeting with friends who have a gift for 

listening and prayer would have really helped me. 

Today, post adoption, I serve at church alongside 

a mighty woman who has already raised eight 

children. She still pours her life out for six foster 

children in her home. I love our “counseling” sessions 

in the church nursery. 

Be an encouragement 

Words have such power to create life in our children, 

and in us. Even as we walk through difficult 

circumstances, we need others to help us fix our 

eyes, and our words, on the goal: children who 

grow into healthy adults. 

It’s natural, I think, for people to notice and 

focus on the negative. It takes real effort to focus 

on the positive. When people commend Mike and 

me for specific ways they see us growing in godly 

parenting, I feel empowered to carry on. 

Busy parents are always grateful for those who 

take the time to build them up. Adoptive parents 

are no different. I’ve long thought that there is a 

sort of reward waiting for adoptive families, when 

patience and endurance and waiting on the Lord 

bring us to a point where everything seems normal. 

Or perhaps that reward is when we realize what 

has been true all along—that we are a real family. • 

Jill Keller is a freelance writer who lives in Wisconsin with her 

husband and three children. 

LISTEN NOW! 

Cecil Stokes, a successful TV producer and 

director, discusses the joys and challenges of 

adopting from foster care. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/FosterAdoption 



ENGaGING cHIlDREN 

IN THE POlITIcal 

PROcESS 

Help your kids understand how 

voting influences their future 

BY JEFF JOHNSTON 

ANDREW BECKWITH, the 

president of the Massachusetts 

Family Institute, recognizes that 

many Christians would rather not 

engage in politics. They simply 

want to go about their lives with as 

little government interference as 

possible. But, he says emphatically, 

“We do not have that luxury.” 

Do your tax dollars pay for 

abortions? Is recreational marijuana 

easily available to children 

and teens in your city? Is a boy 

crushing school records on your 

daughter’s track team? The political 

process impacts so many areas 

of our lives that we all need to care 

about it, including our children. 

Andrew explains, “We need 

to make sure our children 

understand where laws and policies 

are coming from and how they 

can dramatically affect their daily 

lives.” He and his organization 

work to protect life, freedom, marriage 

and parental rights. Because 

of his advocacy position, Andrew 

is acutely aware of how cultural 

and political issues affect families 

and children. 


40 



VOTING / KIDS & TEENS 

Talk with your kids 

To help his own children understand 

Talk cultural with and political your kids issues, Andrew 

To engages help his in ongoing own children conversations understand 

cultural with them. and “I political do the same issues, thing Andrew my 

engages grandfather, in ongoing who was conversations 

very politically 

astute, with them. did with “I do me: the I same talk to thing them my 

about grandfather, politics,” who he was says. very “I think politically 

astute, parents did should with have me: I conversations 

talk to them 

about with their politics,” kids on he political says. “I think topics, all 

parents because should they’re have definitely conversations hearing 

about with their them kids from on contrary political sources topics, 

outside because they’re home.” definitely hearing 

about Andrew them also from includes contrary his sources children 

outside in political the activities home.” and events. 

Andrew also includes his children 

Understand in political activities what’s and events: 

“We’ve important participated in programs like 

TeenPact, Domestic a policy youth expert citizenship Meridian and 

Baldacci leadership feels program, that parents and we’ve need gone to 

to share political their political rallies at values the Statehouse. with their 

We’ve children. also Meridian’s prayed outside parents an cared abortion 

clinic. about On politics—and the night of their 2016 

deeply 

election, passion rubbed I let my off eldest on her. two She stay says, up 

“My until parents very late, always filling made in maps politics I had 

printed as they kept track of the 

Electoral College results.” 

Understand what’s 

important 

Kids’ 

magazines 

from <strong>Focus</strong> 

Domestic policy expert Meridian 

Baldacci feels that parents need 

to share their political values with 

their children. Meridian’s parents 

cared deeply about politics—and 

their passion rubbed off on her. She 

says, “My parents always made politics 

exciting. Election night was like 

the Super Bowl. We could stay up all 

night if we wanted to, and we always 

had plenty of snacks. As we got older, 

we would track specific races, too.” 

Ages 

3-7 

Always 

fun, 

exciting. Election night was like the 

Super Bowl. We could stay up all 

night Like if Andrew, we wanted Meridian’s to, and we parents always 

talked had plenty about of the snacks. issues As at we home. got older, She 

says, we would “My parents track specific helped races, me grow too.” 

an Like interest Andrew, in politics Meridian’s and policy parents simply 

by having about the open issues conversations. 

home. She 

talked 

Politics says, “My wasn’t parents a topic helped just me for grow adults 

or an a interest private opinion. politics It and was policy somethinply 

by worth having discussing!” 

open conversations. 

sim- 

Politics Now Meridian wasn’t a topic wants just to for help adults others. 

or a One private of the opinion. ways she’s It was doing something 

is worth through discussing!” her work as the pol- 

that 

icy and communications strategist 

for Making Family Policy a difference 

Alliance. This nonprofit 

many organization in her generation, works in states 

Like 

across Meridian the wants country to make to promote a positive laws 

difference and policies in that the lives protect of others life, support by 

offering marriage them and truth families, and and compassion. safeguard 

23-year-old freedoms. says, “There are a lot 

The 

of hurting people in this world. Girls 

Making who unexpectedly a difference find themselves 

Like pregnant. many Parents in her generation, 

who feel like they 

can’t Meridian stop wants the wrong to make things a positive the school 

difference is teaching in their kids. lives People of others young by 

offering them truth and compassion. 

The 23-year-old says, “There are a lot 

of hurting people in this world. Girls 

who unexpectedly find themselves 

always 

pregnant. Parents who feel like they 

can’t stop the wrong things the school 

is teaching their kids. People young 

and old who wonder if they were 

born in the wrong body. That’s serious 

stuff, and it requires a serious and 

compassionate answer.” 

Although Christians can address 

these situations through nonpolitical 

means, there are political components 

to each. The more that parents 

and kids talk about relevant issues, 

the better equipped they’ll be to 

faith-affirming, 

7.75 in x 3.5 in 

Ages 

8-12 

and old who wonder if they were 

born in the wrong body. That’s serious 

understand stuff, which it requires bills and serious laws and 

compassionate will hurt or help answer.” the people they 

want Although to serve. Christians can address 

these One situations thing that through inspires nonpolitical 

Andrew 

means, is young there people are who political want to components 

difference. to each. He The says, more “I have that been parents 

make 

a 

and greatly kids encouraged talk about by relevant speaking issues, 

the to groups better of equipped young people they’ll here be to in 

Massachusetts understand which who bills are passionate 

will about hurt or our help state the government, people they and 

and laws 

I want see great to serve. hope in these potential 

future One political thing that leaders.” inspires Andrew 

is young The upcoming people who November want to elections make 

are difference. an excellent He opportunity says, “I have for been us 

greatly to influence encouraged the future by speaking by voting. But 

they’re to groups also of a young means people for engaging here our 

children Massachusetts in the political who are passionate 

they about learn our how state politics government, is connected and 

process. As 

I to see their great world, hope we in have these an potential opportunity 

future to political pass along leaders.” our values to the 

next generation. 

• 

Jeff Johnston is an issues • analyst for 

Jeff <strong>Focus</strong> Johnston on the Family. is an issues analyst for 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

The Daily Citizen’s “Election 

2020” page has links to 

voter registration resources, 

as well as articles about 

ballot initiatives, reasons to 

vote and ideas for engaging 

your children in the election 

process. 


Election2020 

Teen 

girls 

always 

a great gift! 

Order or renew online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Magazines or call 

1.800.661.9800 


KIDS & TEENS / GRACE AND FORGIVENESS 

WHeN 

kids 

change 

minds 

tHeIr 


trusting God when children decide 

to live with the other parent 

BY TEZ BROOKS 

WHEN CHRISTINE AND I GOT MARRIED, 

she already loved my teen daughter, Sarah. Although 

Sarah lived with my ex-wife, she and Christine spent 

plenty of time with each other. 

But just a few weeks after Christine and I returned 

from our honeymoon, we were faced with a challenge. 

Sarah dropped out of school, and my ex-wife asked 

if Christine and I could offer a more structured home 

where Sarah could start fresh. My wife and I agreed to 

take her in. 

Sarah was a gem, putting up with new rules and 

expectations. She agreed to everything, even though I 

wasn’t easy on her, and she lost much of the freedom 

she had been used to. Christine poured herself into 

helping Sarah thrive as a home-schooled teen. She even 

took a monthlong work sabbatical to jump-start our 

daughter’s academic excellence. In the year that Sarah 

lived with us, we saw her grow. 

During this time, we thought Sarah was happy. But 

it was all a facade. It turned out we had a very troubled 

teen to deal with. When she had the option of going 

back to live with her mom four states away, Sarah was 

able to push an eject button on her relationship with us. 

And she did, though we weren’t sure why. Nothing had 

happened to warrant an abrupt exit. Without a goodbye, 

she was gone, back to her old life with my ex-wife. 

42 



Supporting each other 

For months, various stages of grief 

enveloped Christine and me. We 

sought help from the Lord and each 

other in dealing with disappointment 

in ourselves and Sarah. 

Christine struggled with denial, 

saying, “Surely she wouldn’t abandon 

us. Perhaps she’s just wanting 

to spend more time with her 

mother before returning.” Knowing 

Sarah’s flighty history and lack of 

commitment and loyalty to relationships, 

I helped talk Christine 

through these patterns that had 

become so predictable. 

Even as I helped her, Christine 

was an understanding ear for me 

to vent my frustration to, yet she 

consistently exhibited unwavering 

grace and love toward my daughter. 

It moved me toward forgiveness. 

Forgiving Sarah for the ungratefulness 

we felt from her despite all we’d 

done to help. We’d upended our lives 

to make her feel welcome, and she 

left without any explanation. 

Discouragement can distort our 

perspective. Sometimes kids just 

need time to grow up. Maybe we 

do, too. Many times, in the midst 

of my bitterness, Christine suggested 

we stop and pray. The Holy 

Spirit convicted me to speak words 

of affirmation about my daughter, 

replacing complaints with gratefulness 

for the time we had with Sarah. 

Trusting God 

The situation was no longer in our 

control. All we could do was trust 

God’s sovereignty, and in time, 

He showed us the bigger picture. 

<strong>Focus</strong>ing on what went right and the 

good that God accomplished during 

Sarah’s stay nurtured acceptance in 

us so we could move on. 

We chose not to second-guess our 

decisions, but instead we relaxed, 

knowing that her abrupt departure 

hadn’t surprised God. We trusted Him. 

The experience eventually helped us 

form better boundaries and expectations 

for our other children. 

A few years later, Sarah reached 

adulthood and apologized for leaving 

so abruptly, thanking Christine and 

me for all we had done to help her. 

She acknowledged the love and sacrifice 

and recalled happy moments 

with us, including some of her favorite 

memories of being with Christine. 

Sarah and I agree that although it was 

difficult, we nevertheless treasure the 

time we had together. 

Today, Sarah is a woman in her 

mid-30s, and our relationship is 

wonderfully sweet. It’s a joy to make 

new memories together and see her 

interact with her teenage half sisters. 

Our faith and reliance on each 

other kept Christine and me going. 

The journey felt long, and there was 

no guarantee that time invested in 

Sarah would have a return for us. 

But as we continued to trust God, 

we saw His hand guiding our family. 

Through this experience, we learned 

that God is bigger than all of the 

messes life throws at us, and knowing 

this has brought us comfort. • 

tez brooks is the author of 

The Single Dad Detour. 

Help your 

kids learn to 

consider others 

You’ve been teaching your 

kids to safeguard the health of 

others through their personal 

choices and actions. Our latest 

lesson, on Consideration, helps 

kids learn how to safeguard 

others’ feelings too. 

Check it out for Bible stories and 

activities that encourage kids to 

• think about how their 

words and actions 

impact others 

• stop teasing and 

provoking others 

• adopt an others-centred 

outlook. 

Download the 

Consideration lesson 

for FREE at 

KidsOfIntegrity.com

letting go of 

Holiday 

Expectations 

Sometimes the best way to celebrate 

thanksgiving isn’t the traditional way 

BY JILL SAVAGE 

SEVERAL YEARS AGO, 

my husband and I didn’t spend 

Thanksgiving with a single one of 

our five adult children. Did it feel 

odd? Yes. Was it best for everyone? 

We think so. 

Our oldest daughter and her husband 

alternate holidays with his 

family and our family. That year 

Thanksgiving was with his family. Our 

oldest son was living in California, 

and coming home for Thanksgiving 

wasn’t in his budget. Our middle 

daughter, her husband and our 

granddaughter were already expected 

at two different Thanksgiving gatherings 

on his side of the family. Our 

second youngest spent the holiday 

with friends. And our youngest and 

his then-fiancée would have been 

happy to join us, but we gave them 

the freedom to enjoy the day fully 

with her family. 

I love the holidays, but I don’t love 

them more than I love my family. 

I love traditions, but I don’t love them 

more than the people I share those 

traditions with. That Thanksgiving 

I realized that the most loving thing 

I could do was give our kids the 

freedom to make their plans and 

be grateful for whatever new ways 

we could connect. I’ve found this 

required me to let go of two things: 

traditions and opinions. Doing so has 

increased connection, expanded my 

ability to love and grown my gratitude. 

Relieving tradition 

pressures 

Traditions and customs are a valuable 

part of family life. But I never want to 

ruin their significance because they 

don’t happen exactly when or how 

they “always have before.” To make 

sure we still celebrate what’s behind 

the tradition, our family tries to do a 

holiday audit in which we reevaluate 

what works for everybody and how 

we can get the best enjoyment and 

connection with one another. 

When a dear friend did a holiday 

audit, she discovered that half 

of the traditions she stressed over 

weren’t important to her family. So 

she simplified her holiday schedule 

and menu. 

My family and I enjoy celebrating 

Thanksgiving together, but when 

I did an audit, I realized there was 

nothing special about the fourth 

Thursday in November, other than 

it being considered a national holiday. 

I realized we can celebrate 

Thanksgiving whenever it works for 

our family. 

One year, our son Evan came 

home from Australia for my mom’s 

80th birthday. We gathered all our 

kids and their families the Thursday 

night before her birthday to have 

our family’s Thanksgiving celebration 

. . . in September! Because I let 

go of expecting the tradition to look 

the same every year, I had such a 

ISTOCK.COM / FORTYFORKS 

44 



grateful heart for the time we were 

able to spend together, and I enjoyed 

it just as much! 

No opinions necessary 

Letting go of traditions has been 

important, but letting go of opinions 

during our get-togethers has been a 

game changer for me. Let’s face it, our 

adult kids have their own styles, their 

own likes and dislikes, and their own 

beliefs and ideas. As they launch into 

their own lives, it becomes easy to 

want to play the “I didn’t raise you this 

way” card. I’ve learned that “keep it 

shut” is my best approach these days. 

• Don’t like my son’s beard? 

Keep it shut. 

• Don’t care for my daughter’s hair 

color? Keep it shut. 

• Don’t agree with my child’s parenting 

style? As long as my grandkids aren’t 

in danger, keep it shut. 

• Don’t like the job he has? 

Keep it shut. 

• Don’t like how she’s handling her 

money? Keep it shut. 

So what do we do instead of saying 

something? We pray! God is far more 

powerful than you or me. He has the 

ability to change our kids from the 

inside out. Of course, His timing is not 

our timing, and His ways are not our 

ways. We have to trust that He loves us 

and our kids more than we can imagine. 

That’s why we pray, not say. 

If I want to say something, I 

affirm my kids, which grows my 

grateful heart and moves my eyes 

from who they aren’t to who they 

are. I might say: 

“You’re a man of integrity. I love 

how you handled that situation with 

your daughter.” 

“You showed wisdom and tact. 

That problem with your co-worker 

was tricky.” 

“You are an incredible artist. I’m 

amazed at the beautiful things 

you create.” 

“You are so thoughtful. Thank you 

for paying attention to the details of 

my life and giving me such a meaningful 

gift.” 

Want to give your adult kids a 

beautiful gift in the upcoming holiday 

season? Let go of traditions and 

opinions. You will enjoy your time 

together even more, and everyone 

involved will be grateful for the gift 

you’ve given them. • 

Jill Savage is a speaker and author. Her recent 

book is Empty Nest, Full Life. 

LISTEN NOW! 

LISTEN NOW! 

Listen as Michele Howe helps 

Listen as Michele Howe helps 

parents transition into the emptynest 

years and maintain good 

parents transition into the emptynest 

years and maintain good 

relationships with their adult kids. 

relationships with their adult kids. 



EmptyNest 


KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY 

chores 

chores 

chores 

chores 

chores 

chores 

chores 

Jordan, 5 

Jordan is always a little helper and wanted 

to help change the tires, too. 

—Caroline from British Columbia 

Tess, 2 

tess loves to pick apples from our tree 

and feed them to our horses. 

—Marianne from Ontario 

Alex, 3 

my son putting away clean silverware. It’s 

just one of several chores he does to help. 

—Lauren from Colorado 

Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine! 

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she did during the shelter-at-home restrictions. (Put “pumpkin patch” or 

“shelter at home” in the subject line.) Send to <strong>Focus</strong>magazine@family.org. 

info@fotf.ca. 

* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted 

46 



New and thrilling for kids 

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A prisoner named Paul assures 

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As Regis Blackgaard continues 

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Whit and Connie are caught 

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