Blazer Edition #6

IN MEMORIUM OF HORACE ROGEUR
Blazer
AL RON, ARNOLD TARKS
RALPH CACILO ET AL.
2020
ISSUE 6
Special Coronavirus Edition
One article released per week - Written by your fellow peers.

Pigeon epidemic - Foul play suspected for endangered
species struggling for survival in COVID-19
Following the federal government’s
decision to keep school
kids cooped up at home for online
learning, schools are now a desolate
place. But perhaps those who
are hit hardest by this are the often
disregarded yet vitally important
pigeons of the College.
These opportunistic scavengers
are often seen congregating
around the four square courts and
quadrangle, preying on dropped
scraps to live off. These pigeons
normally live luxuriously - ranging
from strewn hot chips to butter
chicken pocket remnants - undoubtedly
spoilt for choice. Such
lifestyles have led to them winning
“Most Obese” at the “Head
of the skies” for the past 14 years.
Yet now, while the outbreak of
global pandemic coronavirus is
wreaking havoc across the globe,
it is hitting the pigeon community
just as hard. With the vast majority
of the school isolated in the
comfort of their own homes, the
pigeons are now without their
main source of food. It’s no secret
that pigeons gravitate towards
high masses of available
food (Newton’s twelfth and final
law) and so everyday Collegians
should not be surprised by new research
suggesting a link between
the decrease in Scotch students
and a decreased poultry weight.
Yet the pigeons are not only in
trouble with the virus but alleged
foul play. In an investigation headed
by the mathematical whiz Mr
Peckham, the tuckshop staff have
been investigated due their close
affiliation with the pigeons’ diet.
Rumours swirl of the tuckshop
running into financial difficulties
due to the absence of boys to purchase
overpriced goods, leading
some to conclude that pigeons
are being substituted for chicken
strip rolls in an effort to cut down
costs, furthering the plight of this
endangered species.
“They steal my money everyday,
it’s time I steal their license”
Peckham cackled as he deviously
modelled expected pigeon numbers.
The canteen has refused to
hand over a sample.
One can only hope that once society
has resumed its normal
course, the pigeons too will return
to be so warmly welcomed by the
school community.
When questioned, the pigeons refused
to comment on the matter.