In conversation with .. 5!

Pride. Pride. Pride.
I want to be proud. I want to be visible because visibility is not necessary - it’s vital.
I want to be visible to help at least one person to feel less alone, less misunderstood.
I want to be as bold as people expect me to be.
I want to be the fierce brown transgender woman I know I can be.
I want to be fearless.
I want to go outside without asking myself what people think of me.
I want to embrace myself. I want to love myself. Just want to be fully me.
But, I am afraid. Afraid of my transition, because even though I’m still at the beginning of this
process, I don’t know how it will go.
I am afraid to look like “A man in a dress” because for a cis woman, not to look like a stereotype of
femininity is okay. But for a transgender woman, not to look like a stereotype of femininity means
that you could die.
I am afraid not to “pass” and to have to always look behind my back in order to be safe.
I am tired. Tired of feeling unwell every time I have to go to the bathroom ‘cause there are no
gender-free bathrooms.
I am tired of questions that shouldn’t be asked from friends and strangers when I talk about my
transition.
I am tired of hearing that I am not really trans* because my story is not the same as other trans*
people.
I am tired of being unable to find clothes that fit my body dysmorphia.
I am tired of having to explain that yes I am also a victim of acts of racism, almost on a daily basis.
I am not here to educate anyone.
I am afraid that my mum will read this piece.
I am afraid to be visible.
I don’t have a choice, really. There is no way back in depression, only the possibility of going
forward.
I wish “our community” was more thoughtful and aware than it pretends to be.
I wish we were not celebrating femme boys, trans* and all womxn only during Pride Month.
Breathe. Baby steps, one day at a time - that’s how I live right now.
I want to make a promise. I want to try to celebrate myself every fucking day. That is what we
should all do. It’s time to come together and support ourselves every single day. Clearly, this is a lot
of work. So let’s get to it.
My name is Naikee and my pronouns are She/Her.
Happy Pride y’all.
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