BURNING INCENSE by Mellonic COMPLETE

BURNING INCENSE

Burning Incense
“soft flowing words pilled in stanzas and little lines
built and structed soley to rhyme
sometimes not but to tell stories some how
some relatable, some not
but I do hope you enjoy
as short as it will be.”
poems with interludes and a blank page for you to writ what you feel
a special thank you to Phathuzuko Mbete who made the cover and came up with the book tittle
a special thanks to all my friends who encouraged me to write and compile this short book
I am Silindokuhle Banana and hope you enjoy this little treat.
2

TABLE OF CONTENTS
We're Just Strangers
Okay, Okay, Okay
Just An Experiment
Maybe I Should Pick Up The Phone And Call Him
In My Head
I Used To Be Annoying (Interlude)
For Once
I'm Faking
Flashlight
Subconsciously (Interlude)
3

Because
Is It
Sometimes (Interlude)
In The Dark
We Used To Love
Crowded Room (Interlude)
The Coming Out
Define Me (Interlude)
The Perception Of Beauty
The Perception Of A Perfect Straight Boy
Realize
The Operations Of The Mind And Flesh
Thin Air (Outro)
4

We're Just Strangers Anyway
we're just strangers.
hi there my name is goodbye
you'll probably forget me anyway so what’s the use in
saying my real name is Devon
I like your red hat, it reminds of the warning signs
I see flash everyday when I'm about to say 'I like it when
you act shy'
even though we're just strangers I felt
obliged to say you're pretty
5

but you'll forget that too in time.
I like the colour grey, it makes everything neutral
like its not white nor black
but maybe in between who knows,
I'm just delusion
I thought you should know,
I'm cool as an autumn breeze
that's a cheesy line I stole from some movie I watched
just so you could smile.
I like your beard and if we had time
I'd say don't shave it but you'd forget and do it anyway
and I'd be left saying
we were just strangers any way,
we were strangers anyway I'd say
when I get home and forget to call you after you give me your number
in the morning.
have you seen the new movie
I stole a move from there
so move with me.
it goes one two da-da-da
but I'd forget that in the next decade or two if we'd ever be together cause you'd forget to say happy anniversary,
and
6

now we're fighting with two kids crying in their bedrooms
you yell I hate you
and I scream the same,
broken picture frames mimicking a heart break
cause I saw you kiss her
even though you told me you were gay
and I kissed him cause I knew it would spark pain yes
he was your brother
and no I wasn't drunk
yes I saw you leave with her to a hotel and have sex she told me
and I'm aware you don't love me anymore
and it's still sore when I say it out loud but the truth is we,
we
were just strangers anyway.
and I still like your red hat
it reminds of the warning signs and the flashing lights,
they did tell me
we were just strangers any way.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY
let me rephrase what I said before
7

or can I restart and say it no more.
I think you're pretty when you're at your lowest
still pretty when they smoke you like the fag you are,
throw insults till
they beg you to stop and listen
"I'm a desperate human being in need of attention
hear my slurs and insults cause that’s what makes me stronger
when I hurt you the most."
okay okay okay
I now get it when I say I'm fine
I'm really not okay
and when I smile I cry
it's cliché and has been said but I'm not okay
cause I
jump to defense mode and
laugh along
they say nah he's good no need to not attack it's okay we'll just hide it behind jokes
jokes on you cause I know
and
yes I smile and say nothing
when they laugh and say dude it's cool we're just playing
okay
8

but its not cool not O
but to them they just say kay
so hey okay okay okay
I get it. I gotta love myself first and deal with them later
so they say, okay
okay
okay
Just An Experiment
just an experiment
I sometimes have to pinch myself and realize that we're not dating, you're just experimenting
I'm your experiment,
mix
and brew these chemicals,
tease me with your mind
when I give you head more than a beautician,
I'm your experiment
give me a rating
cause when I want to rate us
I hear my heart beat racing
and I say "calm down dear
you have lots of love don't waste it
9

cause he's straight
but his points not forward
cause he's experimenting."
at some point I lay on his chest
and he plays with my non existent hair
Ari Lennox fills the air
as thoughts are thrown around aimlessly
sloppy sex had a few minutes ago,
sweat mixed with his cologne smells like
Hennessey
maybe I'm already drunk
cause I had a sip
of his lips
maybe I'm high cause our breathes had intertwined
or maybe I'm in a state some where in this chemistry
maybe he loves me
or maybe I'm just an experiment
day 33 of being a test subject
can't say I hate it.
maybe this will pan out some more
maybe he'll venture into deeper curves than my body
maybe he'll discover the thick layers underneath my brown skin
10

maybe he'll expose me and tell me that this isn't real,
don't love me no
no
no
don't even think of it
I will break your heart and leave you in pieces
I'm picking up signals
transmitted by your heart but I wont listen
cause to me
you're just an experiment.
Maybe I Should Pick Up The Phone And Call Him
okay okay
it's been a while since I've talked to him and honestly it seems as if I'm the one at fault,
I mean yes we fought one two ten times
he was wrong I know it
that's what I felt deep down inside,
yes sometimes I was in over my head
heart on my sleeve
even though at times we were bad,
bad for each other,
bad for our health
but that’s the thing about addiction
11

it feels so good until you're dead.
maybe I should pick up the phone and call him
I mean its been one too many weeks
without him snoring beside me
or me calling him lazy
saying "pick yourself up"
and him teasing me
and I end up with a smile
I mean we promised
each other a life time
of forevers
but the problem with forever is
we force to feel whenever
cause we don't want to let each other go
co-dependent so its whatever
and it's so sad that
when I feel my emotions slipping
you hotspot me yours and I'm in my feelings once more
but what happens when you run out of love and can't recharge anymore
cause we can't just jumpstart
this thing like a car
we can't drive around love city when were
faulty
12

cause we might crash and
that’s that
oh well look at me rambling
cause I can't accept the fact that
I have to pick up the phone and call him
what will I say
cause I can't start with sorry
but hi
that’s a good way to see where we end
but maybe
just maybe for one last time
we won't say goodbye
cause I still have a couple of forevers
I want to spend by his side
so for now let me
let me pick up the phone
and call him.
In My Head
maybe it was all in my head
in my head I sleep all day
turn around and bask in the darkness of my
13

lonely tides
I sigh
as these blankets come and go like waves
they are loud
as
they roar taunting me that I'm
all alone
saying I can't smell your scent
cause you're gone
yet each time I close my eyes
I sense you looking at me,
I feel my feet move to the drum
of my daily activities
but inside my head, I sleep all day.
maybe I should've told you everything
yes, I'm not yet out in the open at home
no, I can't hold your hand and introduce you to the folks
yes, I'm in love with you but honey we can't go home let's stay at yours
and you're getting tired each time
I say no
so maybe
maybe you'd have stuck around if I opened up more.
14

I'm not a box but I have a fragile warning,
and
each time I look into my heart it's sore,
I try to think of ways to communicate
but the closet drags me in deep an
I fall in so much that I become a piece of clothing,
clothing my flesh wears every day
and as
I look into the mirror and see brown eyes
that you used to look at everyday
I see a stranger staring back at me
so I close my eyes and go to sleep,
in my head I'm asleep but
in reality I'm walking up and down
in these streets with a hoodie
hiding my face from grief.
I feel like you're still out there waiting for me
but how can you be so selfish
you wanted me to be out
yet I told you countless times I wasn't ready,
you knew what they'd say at home
yet you coaxed me saying well I can't stay if you're not ready
and
15

I could write ten things I hate about you
and still in half of them I know you'd be right
cause I say you're this but change,
as the sand in the hour glass drops
I too sink to the floor and let them walk over me
after they're done I pick myself up walk straight up to the closet,
be one with garments knowing I'll wear
another face tomorrow but for now I lie,
I fall asleep and sigh
in my head I'm asleep
in reality I'm just closing my eyes.
I used to be annoying (Interlude)
I used to be annoying
I like to think I'm no longer
annoying but who knows...
16

For Once
for once I want to be the one who pushes you away,
I want to be the one who'll say 'I'm sorry but let's take a break
break your heart back
and say
checkmate
but in this game we never play fair
so for once
for once in my life I want to hear you beg,
beg for me to stay.
for once I want to hear you say 'it's my fault'
take blame for all the shxt that took place
and say 'please take your place right next to me'
cause up until now I've done the heavy lifting
whipped my own back
and asked for dominion
sat alone and asked myself was I never enough
yeah you'd say its dumb
cause we've never switched roles
17

and you don’t know how it feels
so for once
for once I don't want to tell you through tears
and blurry visions
I don't want to be the one saying let's see reason
cause I want you to be the reason
why I feel like changing every season
so for once let's switch roles
you go out every Friday
but
freaky Friday
is when you'll know how it feels
to stay at home.
you feel superior
gloat in the ego I boosted for so long
told you you’re handsome
and you'd reply with I know
smiled each time I said don't go cause that made you feel manly more
but no more
when we fight again I won't beg
I'll simply let you go cause this time around
I want you to feel how I felt
when you didn't beg me
18

not even once
so for once I want you to feel like me
for once I want to be the one that pushes you away
I'm Faking
I faked all my feelings for you so that I couldn't be single
I lied to you because they kept doubting me
I mean yes what they've been saying is true
but I've been in denial so long
that lies grew like a second skin
so thick that I didn't even realize
I'm sorry for hurting your feelings cause I was selfish
I kissed you under the shade of that tree cause I wanted to
it was under the shade as so to shade my shameless mistake
to shade myself and be kept in hiding
to try and make it believable
I didn't hate it no I didn't
I should've been honest but I wasn't
I was supposed to be out
as I was in the closet
and I’m sorry for using you
and for lying to myself
19

I faked all my feelings for you and yet you feel hard
I wasn't there to catch you.
you helped me though in more ways than one
you made me realize I had more layers to shed than one
I realized a lot yet I'm still trying to figure things out
I don't know how to say this
but maybe you'll here things in due time.
I've realized something about me
and I've spent my whole life trying to hide it from sight
I might be out but I'm still in the closet in more ways that one.
Flashlight
Flashlight
I'd be like Jessie J
and say "I've got all I need when I got
you and I"
but then there's no you and I
only me and I sigh
cause I've been walking in the dark
all my life and it has been fine
20

but songs like these make me think
how would I have made it
if I had you by myside
she say's
"when tomorrow comes I'll be on my
own"
and for a minute I stop in my tracks
my feet buzzing in my sneakers
as I realize Jessie's right
she's talking about me
cause every tomorrow I'm on my own
and it's not the cliché sad alone
where I feel like oh my gosh no one loves me
but it's that numb feeling
like oh my gosh I'm all alone
and got to figure things out
I've never had a human flashlight
but the one I bought works just fine
but I'm also frightened
21

frightened of the things that I don't know
and yes the road is long she continues
but I've walked for miles too
and looked at the sky
the stars taunting me
shining and leaving me here with no flashlight
it's songs like these that make me realize that
what if I need my own flashlight to
so that I can relate
to the songs I hear every time.
Subconsciously (Interlude)
subconsciously I knew it was never going to happen
that's why I found myself rearranging my folders
mm memes
maybe I'd turn into one too
22

Because
I stopped writing poems about acceptance because
I stopped writing poems about acceptance long ago
because it was no use
I'd never change the way they look at me
my family tried to pray for me
and I prayed for them to accept this truth,
I wrote acceptance poems till my tears
were the ink and I scribbled salt that
dried down to be blown by the wind,
because they'll just ignore it cause
not everyone is accepting
my gran told me everyone sins,
but this is the one sin
that can't be forgotten
23

and she knows that they'll always say
Adam and Eve
not Adam and Steve cause God makes no mistake
but I am no mistake
I've grown up reading the bible
and attending Sunday School everyday
that didn't change who I am today
and the bible always say
"God has big plans for you cause he knew you before you were born"
so if he knew me then honestly I'm no mistake.
I stopped writing poems about acceptance
because
they'll dig in deep the scriptures of the
old testament saying it's an abomination,
forget the new testament where Jesus said
love one another no judgement
but then again Christians are the worlds biggest
hypocrites cause they say no they'd never judge you
but eyes speak louder than words
24

they quote the same scriptures we've heard
I've been to church
countless times till I got tired,
tired of being looked at,
tired of hearing the whispers they think
I haven't heard,
tired of the subtle jabs I get every turn,
tired of hearing them saying it's a choice
and that each night I pray
my prayers won't reach heaven because I'm this way
but why does it seem that God answers
my prayers everyday
because when I bow down
and get on my knees I feel the connection
when I start with "oh heavenly father,"
I feel him holding my knee each time when
it wants to get up because
sometimes the voices cut in too deep
I'm in deep
and when I say Amen
25

I mean Lord let it be done
and in the morning I wake up feeling
at peace
but does praying and being gay
go in hand in hand
or is it just me.
I stopped writing poems about acceptance
because I accepted myself
I stopped crying myself to sleep
because they weren't worth my tears
because I found more peace when I'm content with being me
I stopped seeking their validation
the day I was happy just being me.
so I stopped
I stopped writing poems about acceptance...
26

IS IT
I hate it
I hate how you make me change my mind
I hate how you make me insecure
I hate how you love me at night
I hate how during day you don't know me anymore
I hate how my feelings run deeper than the Nile
whilst yours can't run even a mile
and how you make me doubt my love
cause each day when your with your squad
you seem to snicker with them and call me fag
you don't even wince when I feel the pain
it seems as if you don't even care
but then you come back to me later at night
say sorry
or how you don't mean the harm
saying you're not ready to come out
I sigh and calm down as you kiss me
you lay me down and love me passionately
till I forgot
I hate how I wake up with breakfast in bed
you leave my dorm room and say you love me
27

and I smile instead
I hate how at that moment I feel happy and content.
I hate how you make me doubt my feelings for you
how you get jealous when I talk to other guys
even when they're straight
cause you say they'd take me
you emotionally blackmail me
and I take it
you let the tears flow down you cheek
waiting for me to wipe them
and take you back
I'm an idiot cause I do just that
you tell me you're insecure
and I hug you back
we lay for the night
and you tell me your childhood jokes
and I just laugh but when you sleep my mind is
in motion
you lay there and my head is up in the sky
in orbit
I realize I hate
how you make me feel
I hate how when it comes to you I'm weak
28

I hate the fact that I can't hold your hand
yet its been more than two months or weeks
since you said you love me
your friends know me as the college gay
but don't know how you touch me
when they're not there
I hate how you join in and not defend me
yes I get it your not out
but at least talk some sense into them
yes you're not ready but
I don't want to be constantly hurt
by the one person I too would never hurt
so sometimes I hate you
I hate how you make me doubt
myself.
SOMETIMES(Interlude)
sometimes I don't like being a boy
but I don’t want to be a girl either
maybe I don't even want to exist
29
just for once to take a break

In The Dark
I used to be afraid of the dark growing up
thought that there'd me monsters lurking
but my Gran would tuck me in bed
till I'd stop shacking
and then I'd fall into a deep sleep.
I used to think that in the dark
I'd be devoured and never to be seen again
it was just mindless thoughts we all had
yes we were children but
we grew up instead
I couldn't help it
you couldn't either
we woke up teens
and our fears left in the past,
well some of them.
I used to be afraid of the dark
cause I'd watch horror movies and think
they come for me too
I used to be afraid of monsters
30

but now the monsters are inside of me
as I reveal myself in the dark
there's no one here to judge me
so I throw my thoughts aimlessly in the air
I remove my mask and bask in space
the darkness gives me
I stay up at 3 am
and thoughts come running at me
I'm shot with arrows of questions
asking
who are you in the dark
I lie
when daylight comes
but at night
I lay
in bed enjoying the warmth of the darkness
till my thoughts come to keep me captive
I think
I used to be afraid of the dark growing up
but not anymore
We Used To Love
31

We used to spend every evening curled up
in your dorm room watching sappy movies
you used to tease me saying I was a helpless
romantic,
you weren't lying
you were the first man that
ever had me in a relationship,
I was cuffed,
I wanted everything I saw in the TV
just like Ricky and Lucy
that kind of love but
seems like ours was a one sided type of love.
We used to go out each Friday meet our friends
at the club
I'd be looking all sexy in my new skin tight jeans
you'd whisper in my ear
"How am I supposed to sane tonight with you like this"
I'd smile at the erratic beat of my heart
saying he's mine,
all mine but then
I didn't realize what happened till I lay tangled in bed with nothing
not even a note
I didn't realize till I left countless messages on your phone,
32

till your bros passed me on the road without even a glance,
till I saw you whisper the same sentence you
said to me when we first met,
was I just another conquest?
I'm so hopeless
cause I'd lay in bed and remember
we used to love or so I thought.
We used to go out to the arcade
play those silly games you letting me win each time and
I'd repay you with a kiss
you'd deepen it
and I'd moan out your name
I pulled away till you looked me with those
eyes and in a flash we were out
we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves
as I kept giggling at how
you made me feel
you trailed kissed around my neck
leaving hickeys on my soft skin
I'd close my eyes in lust
not realizing this was the last
time I'd see you,
thoughts came flooding to my head
33

when I last saw you
that week
I searched everywhere even went to
our secret hideout
my heart beat so fast when I saw you
with him
I couldn't bare to see you
so my eyes blurred my vision
memories came flooding back like visions
about us
how we used to love or
how I used to love.
I'd remember you teasing me about being a hopeless romantic
and the truth is I was
but not anymore.
CROWDED ROOM (Interlude)
I want to say that I see you and me
in a crowded room I don't
I see a thousand eyes looking at me
even though I feel your cold hand
34
holding my slender one

I don't feel calm
I hear each whisper as if they
were eerie sounds taunting me
they burn holes at my outfit that
I changed into countless times
wanting to change into my sweats and call in
sick
I love you babe I really do
but when were in a crowded room I don't only see you and me
I see a thousand judging eyes
hiding behind fake smiles
in a crowded room I sigh, wow
The Coming Out
I used to think that when I came out to my family
it'd be on my own terms
we'd be sitting down having dinner and
I'd say I'm gay and like that I'd be out
but who was I kidding
my plan was to keep quiet
maybe after 2 or 3 years come out
35

see my home is very different from the one's I read
about
but my coming out
I wanted to make it mine and she took it away.
ever trusted someone with a secret and
thought they'd keep it
I was so stupid to think
that she was fine with it no
no
she wouldn't say a sound till
I heard my grandmother knocking on my mothers door
a bible in hand
read countless chapters and prayed
for me in the end
I thought to myself Dear Lord
if this is what you truly want
let it be made
but when I woke up I was still the same.
I thought I'd come out on my own terms
I was happy in the closet
I could match outfits and put on
a show for the crowd
36

I mean at home I was as straight as they come
but when I was outside I was as happy
as a butterfly with different shades of
colours
I wanted to come out I really did but I knew
what would happened
she came out for me and I didn’t see it
coming.
I remember coming down for the Easter holidays
I was happy
I had just came from school
with a brow on fleek and a smile on too
but then she saw me
confronted me at home
told me I could tell her anything and she'd be fine
I cried as she spotted her own tears telling me
everything will be fine
she still loves me and she wouldn't tell a soul
she said she'd pray for me and I prayed
this stayed between us
but then
we all know the saying
'trust a rock than a person'
37

and I placed mine in her
I can't say it took the weight off my shoulders and I thank her
but it made me sink even lower
my life went from silent
to prayers to cast out this demon
I didn't want to come out yet
I had plans on my coming out
but she ruined everything
Define Me
“you can not define me”
You hear the way I walk as
the ground shakes with each stride I take
you see the confidence oozing from
myself as if a river was flowing in me
you try and pin point the things I do
sit and stare at my flawless face and try
to decipher who am I
why was I built so structurally different from you and him
why do I like specifically him
and not her
38

why do I have spit joy when
I open my mouth to tell you about
they he way he makes me feel
you try to understand the way I make you feel
but you can not define me.
You hear my laughter from a mile
as if it were thunder roaring
I slide with the tides and brush
of their comments
you wonder how strong can I be
to withstand the currents
I smile softly and you wonder
how do I do it
day in and day out
act so unbothered
you say if it were you you'd blow a fuse
beat them to hell and back
and you tell me that’s the only truth
I sigh and I tell you my truth
you then gaze into my eye
trying to see through my orbs and look deep
inside
wonder how can I still shine
39

when they try each day to dim my light
but
you can't define me
you try me
but can not define me
The Perception Of Beauty
I....
I wish I was
I wish I was beautiful
I wish my face bare
I wish I had no pimples
I wish I was so white I was considered innocent
melanin so dark that they confuse me with
the shadows
I wish I was seen
but sometimes invisible.
I wish I was tall
40

I wish I was short
I wish had big boobs
I wish tits as small as good
in this in world
I wish I was tree growing
further from the destruction
I seem to inflict on myself
I wish I'd stop cutting
and breeding rivers of blood
I wish I was like him
or even like her
I wish I had perfect skin
smooth as butter so he can trail
kisses right here
there
and near my mouth
I wish my nose straight
unlike my sexuality
I wish I had freckles or
glowed everyday
I wish the perception of beauty wouldn't
change everyday
I wish I could be called beautiful
even in a regular day
41

I wish I was called beautiful
and beauty was my name
The Perception Of A Perfect Straight Boy
don’t wear pink because that's the colour for girls
don't hold hands in public
they'd just might think your gay
and we don't want that now don't we
you have a reputation to uphold
and a girlfriend you should make love to
and her heart to hold.
don't cry or show fear
they'll say your not a man but a coward
don't cuddle or sleep in the same bed with your
friend
your dad might get the wrong ideas and
others might say you're gay
don't even speak about other guys in an appreciative way
don't say he's beautiful
don't say his name
42

don't look too long
just look away
if its a girl then approach right away.
wear blue or black it suits you
wear this and that
they won't say your like him
with the pink shirt or say silly things behind your back
like
who rock's skin tight jeans
I thought straights boys didn't wear that
remember to drink a lot of liquor as
if it's water
make a fool of yourself
trust me they fall harder
but what ever you do
don't give them any room to say
or even suspect that you're gay
Realize
you don't realize the things you say
hurt me
43

you won't use your real eyes to see what’s really under the surface
you always tell me real lies till I believe and you make them hurt me
you say I'm real when it's just us but say something else when they come.
I heard you say you don't miss me
I heard you say I'm annoying and you don't love me
I remember the cuts your words left when you
said it all meant nothing
I wanted to punch you so hard
when you laughed at the joke they made about me
Tears fell on their own accord when you came back
as if I heard nothing
my hands trembled when I opened the door outside
and slammed it shut just like my emotions
my heart beats so fast when I realize
how many walls I broke down just to let you in
you trashed the place and stayed as if
this was an in
you didn't pay for the repairs of my heart
you just stood there and said I was dramatic
I wanted to show you flames
and then you'll see what’s really dramatic
I wanted to make you realize how you make me feel
but I was a fool to think
44

you'd open your real eyes.
The Operations Of The Mind And Flesh
I'm watching TV with my family at night
they're laughing at something he said
and I'm here only by flesh
they're repeating what she said
and I'm roaming my subconscious thoughts taking deep steps
I see the images of the TV flashing back and forth
and I'm in a state of who am I
when these questions pull me back and forth
I think to the conversation me and my granny had how
we move back and forth about how
do I not have a girlfriend yet
or do I have a boy
I deny both and she subtly tells me
do not dare boys and
we've been here before but
she's here to make sure that
I'm really not gay.
They shake when saying let's pray
we sing the same hymn as yesterday
we have no bible today but
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my grandmother recites the words and preaches the same thing everyday
but this time she says something she said to me
God makes no mistake
he didn't create you this way
and my siblings pay no attention
but I knew that was meant my way
I sigh and pray anyway
saying the same thing she said,
he made no mistake so he made me this way
but anyway we say Grace
and continue with the show
I say I'm going to bed but really my thoughts run
race tracks and I'm more awake than ever
I take my phone cause I no longer use
pen and paper
write this poem down
and stay listening to the sound
of my heartbeat.
I'm in my head more than I am in the flesh
In Thin Air (Outro)
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Every nightmare, Every fear
Every doubt, every tear
Will fade into thin air
Some day further or near
That is the end of Burning Incense, hoping my poems we're most enjoyable as they we're pieces which
I wrote at my most raw and some pieces a fragment of my life and a glimpse more than other.
I am Silindokuhle Banana or as Mellonic and this was BURNING INCENSE
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