Focus on the Family Magazine - June/July 2020

JUNE / JULY
11 DATE NIGHT CHALLENGE:
STARGAZING
Try this fun idea for connecting
with your spouse
by Hillary Garcia
12 A MARRIAGE MYTH: 1 + 1 = 1
Uncover the lie that distorts true
marital unity
by Robert Paul with Dr. Greg Smalley
16 CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THE BEST
Replacing negative thoughts about
your spouse with positive ones can
bless your marriage
by Lauren Blaschke
17 SPEED DATE YOUR SPOUSE
Fun ideas for making 15-minute
marriage connections
20 PANIC IN THE POWDER ROOM
Face your anxiety so you can
embrace your marriage
by Rebekah Lyons
22 QUICK PECKS AND FLIRTY TEXTS
Build strength in your marriage
through loving routines
by Dr. Greg Smalley
Faith &
Inspiration
23 FAMILY ON MISSION
Draw closer to each other by
serving together
26 SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS
Emily felt like she was drowning
in depression, so she went looking
for help
29 WHEN YOUR KIDS REJECT GOD
4 principles for encouraging faith in
your adult children
by Rob Rienow
Issue
4 A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
5 HACKS & FACTS
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY JUNE / JULY 2020

33 SIBLING SQUABBLES
What triggers them and how
you can encourage healthier
relationships in your family
by Vance Fry
36 FUN SUMMER ADVENTURES
. . . that don’t break the bank
by Sami Cone
40 ‘YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!’
A grace-filled response to these four
dreaded words can draw you and
your adopted child closer together
by Sandy Lipsky
41 WHEN BOUNDARIES
HINDER BONDING
Rules are important, but connecting
with your teen is essential
by Jonathan McKee
44 DO YOUR BOYS RESPECT GIRLS?
Have the courage to talk about sex
and respect with your sons
by Dave Willis
JUNE / JULY 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT
Terence Rolston is
president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family Canada
making time
together
meaningful
SPENDING TIME with our kids and
family members during the sunny summer
months can be so memorable and fun.
Getting away somewhere special or going on
fun adventures near home is always great.
However, simply doing a BBQ in the
backyard and roasting marshmallows on the fire can also
be remarkably meaningful. They are all wonderful ways to
build relationships and carve out shared memories that
strengthen family bonds.
In this month’s digital magazine, you’ll find lots of ideas of
things to do with your family, kids and grandkids. You’ll also
find encouragement and faith-building inspiration.
Without a doubt the global pandemic has impacted our
lives in so many ways. One of the positive outcomes is the
heightened value of family and the significance we place on
relationships and connection with each other.
Not being able to embrace our loved ones during social
isolation has rekindled our appreciation for the significance
of personal touch and a caring hug. Why not take every
opportunity you can this summer to strengthen family
bonds and engage meaningfully with those you love?
I hope this month’s magazine will be a source of inspiration
and encouragement for you to do just that.
From all of us at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada, our prayers
are for your safety, the comfort that comes from resting in
the sovereignty of Christ, and for a renewing of your love for
those God has given you the opportunity to be in relationship
with.
Terence Rolston
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
focus canada president Terence Rolston
editorial director Sheila Seifert
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez
copy chief Scott DeNicola
contributing editors Ginger Kolbaba,
Michael Ridgeway, Vance Fry, Marianne
Hering, Thomas Jeffries Jennifer Lonas
and Jeff Masching
art director Brian Mellema
designer Anneka Jack
cover Erin Drago
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
circulation Sandy Grivy
Thank you!
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and
other resources through the generosity of friends
like you. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/donate
For a subscription, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/
magazine.
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine June/July 2020, Vol. 5,
No. 3 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2020 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
All rights reserved. Published by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family,
a nonprofit organization recognized for tax-deductible
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Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are
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Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry
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FOTF / CARY BATES
4
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

Hacks & Facts
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING
road trip
togetherness!
As you pack your bags and plan your snacks
for the next family road trip, don’t forget to
take along these fun car games:
Road Sign Bingo
P
STOP
SPEED
LIMIT LIMIT
75 75
YIELD YIELD
->
CARD 1
WRONG
WAY WAY
FREE
SPACE
DO DO NOT NOT
ENTER ENTER
KEEP KEEP
RIGHT
BUMP
R R
R R
STOCKSY.COM / ALI LANENGA; ISTOCK.COM / LICREATE, DIANE555, SVETLANAIS
Dunk the Cows scorecard
\
\I||I
||II
I||I
I||I
I|II
\
\
I|I|
Anna & Dad at the beach
||I
|
\
\
I||I
\
I|II I|I|
||II
|I
\
Dunk
the
Cows
->
WRONG
WAY WAY
STOP
SLOW
SLOW
KEEP KEEP
RIGHT
FREE
SPACE
SPEED
LIMIT LIMIT
45 45
ONE ONE WAY WAY
ONE ONE WAY WAY
YIELD YIELD D0 D0
NOT NOT
PASS PASS
DO DO NOT NOT TOW-AWAY
ZONE ZONE
ENTER ENTER
first day on the BUMP
road!
Get all these free games for your next road
trip at <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/RoadTrip.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/RoadTrip.
SLS
Ro
R R
SP
LI
4
STS
RO
CLO C
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5

HACKS & FACTS / SUMMER
Nature Crafting
On our summer nature walks, my children collect flowers,
leaves, sticks, rocks, seashells and feathers. They keep their
collections in a basket to use for making outdoor art projects
or designs crafted in the dirt. They have decorated portions
of the garden with their finds, pressed flowers in wax paper
between pages of a book and painted rocks to look like fun
creatures. Even a simple jar of seashells has become a source
of play—and an enchanting decoration on the shelf.
—Jenny Nanninga
Treasure Stashes
One idea for helping kids say goodbye to
playtime at the park is to turn the process
into a game. I might say, “Let’s find a home
for your stick.” Then we hide it under a bush.
Or, “Let’s find a place to stash your pretty
pebbles,” and sometimes our stashes are so
well hidden, they can be revisited and added
to for months.
—Christine Duncan
Summer Strolls
With Toddlers
Get out and enjoy these sensory experiences
with your kids.
• Talk about the sounds you hear as you:
Visit a pet store.
Walk through a mall.
• Touch the different textures as you walk around your
neighborhood, stopping to rub your hands on tree
trunks, concrete and smooth metal poles.
Wander through a fabric store and feel the soft
fabrics.
• Point out the different colors you see as you:
Visit a zoo or museum and see animals or paintings.
Walk around a neighborhood and look at colorful
houses.
• Enjoy the fragrances around you as you:
Walk through a botanical garden or even a garden
at the park.
Stroll around your neighborhood after a rainstorm.
Pint-Sized
Scavenger Hunt
Last summer, my son was 3 years old, and my daughter
was under 1. She was unable to walk yet, which
restricted the types of activities we could do. I was
constantly searching for ways that we could all be
outdoors together.
I found having a backyard or even a green space
scavenger hunt was handy. Any plant or tree or natural
objects in the yard could be placed on the list, such
as a pinecone, an ant, moss, a butterfly or spider web.
I pushed the baby in a stroller, and my son toddled
along as we explored the outdoors. I was able to
guide my son in identifying objects he didn’t recognize.
For some objects, I would get my baby girl out of
the stroller so she could feel and see things for herself.
Then I ended our exploration with an outdoor picnic.
—Rachael McCloskey
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
6
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

SUMMER / HACKS & FACTS
Fun With Balloons
I tie a string between two chairs and then fasten balloons
to the string so that they dangle toward the
floor. The balloons can be different colors and sizes.
Once the balloons are in place, my baby hits and
watches them (always with close supervision). Once
my children crawl, they and I can move under and
around a new string of balloons.
For increased sensory play, I might attach lightweight
bells, noise makers or wet fabric scraps to the
line of balloons.
—Christina Nunes
Caution: Balloons are a choking hazard. Parental
supervision is required whenever children play with
balloons.
Workday at Grandma’s
We pack our four kids in the car and drive to my parents’
house for a workday at Grandma and Grandpa’s.
They prepare a to-do list for our family ahead of time,
and we are all able to complete more in an afternoon
than the two of them could do in weeks.
Our job list is never the same. Over the years, we
have painted, fixed the driveway, trimmed branches,
cleaned out the garage, repaired doors, hauled boxes
and shoveled rocks. It’s a wonderful way to show the
kids how we help our family by giving of ourselves
and our time to others.
—Jesse Neve
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7

HACKS & FACTS / BIBLE LITERACY
Bible Timeline
Our daughter was a toddler when we began the
evening routine of reading a Bible story. While this
practice created an awareness of individual stories, it
did very little to promote the order of biblical events.
She recently turned 6, and now we are striving to
help her understand the greater context of Scripture.
It is one large story that points to the coming of
our Savior, Jesus Christ. Every night we read from
an age-appropriate, illustrated children’s Bible that
has the stories in chronological order. The morning
after our reading, we review the story from the night
before, and she illustrates the story on a white piece
of cardstock. We fasten each new picture to a long
“timeline” of images on our hallway wall.
Our timeline is a visual reminder that the Bible
is more than a series of short stories. It is one big
journey—from Creation to Revelation.
—Stacey Pardoe
Memory Mail
This past year has been a huge transition for our
family because of a cross-country move. At times,
it is difficult being 2,600 4,100 kilometers miles away miles from away family from and
those family back and those home back we love home and who miss. we love and miss.
Yet grandparents, aunts and uncles still long to
influence our children for Jesus. My wise sister had
a great idea: a snail mail coloring page, with a Bible
verse on it. She selects and colors part of the picture
and then sends sends it to my it to 13-year-old my 13-year-old daughter, daughter, who also who
colors also colors a part part of it. of Then it. Then she she returns returns it to it her to her aunt aunt for
more for more coloring. coloring.
This back-and-forth coloring has helped my girl
memorize the verse. And it makes my heart smile
to see her keep a connection across the miles and
enjoy a godly relationship with my sister.
—Ashley Carter
6 10
in
The number of North Americans who believe
their lives have been transformed by the Bible.
source: The Barna Group, 2018
Drawing Their Attention
to the Bible
“Mama, where is my notepad?” one of my young
sons asks as we sit down for our Bible reading. My
children seem to learn more easily when they are
allowed to use their hands on a project while listening.
So this time together begins with searching for
pens, paper and markers.
Putting onto paper the things they are processing
helps them pay attention and remember what
has been read. They may draw pictures of the Bible
characters from the reading or practice printing letters
from the words they hear. The point is to help
them focus.
—Chelsea Strom
FOTF / ANNEKA JACK
8
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

BIBLE LITERACY / HACKS & FACTS
The Good Samaritan and the Squid
My 6-year-old son asks to do “our stories” every night. We started using
his toys to perform a Bible story during our nighttime routine. I find that
this is the time he is most attentive to listening and talking about God and
the Bible.
“My wolf will be the guy who gets robbed and beat up,” my son says as he
pulls out his box of mini-figures and starts naming all the characters of the
good Samaritan story.
“The squid can be one of the two who ignore him,” I add, plucking a tiny
plastic squid out of the box.
Once a sheep and spider join the ensemble, we have a complete cast.
Then we divide the characters to act out the second half of Luke 10.
I’m always surprised at how well my son understands the story when we
act it out with his toys.
—Emily Downs
DO YOUR KIDS HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A BIBLE
DETECTIVE? JOIN THEM AS THEY
• investigate the scene.
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY PRESENTS
• study the suspects.
• solve the case.
These mysteries will challenge your kids’ sleuthing skills,
while improving their Bible literacy. To download your free
copy, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/BibleDetectives.
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June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9

HACKS & FACTS / SHARING
Two Hands, Two Toys
Toddlers have a knack for claiming everything in a
room as “mine.” When my son entered that phase, I
would often find him in the midst of a who-had-itfirst
squabble, with his arms filled with so many toys
that he could barely hang on to them all.
This was when I first implemented the “two hands,
two toys” policy. I explained to my son that he could
hold two toys, one in each hand. He caught on right
away, and that policy became a simple way to curb
his greed.
The bonus? Fights with other kids became less
common because he had to choose which toys were
most important to him.
My Turn, Your Turn
—Karli Friesen
Sharing can be very difficult, especially for little ones.
Early on, I would practice with my children. We would
pass toys back and forth quickly and say, “My turn” and
“Your turn.” This fast-paced game helped them begin to
learn what sharing actually means.
—Courtney Roberts
The Fun of Sharing
editorial director Michael Ridgeway
I don’t usually force my 2-year-old managing to editor share. Andrea I’ve Gutierrez
noticed that this sometimes sr. can associate cause editor her Vance to act Fry
greedier. Instead, when I catch sr. associate my other editor children Marianne Hering
sharing, I praise them and what copy chief they Scott did in DeNicola front of
my youngest. I exaggerate the community/culture good time everyone
editor Thomas Jeffries
is having—sharing a snack with parenting a sibling editor or Sheila letting Seifert a
friend use a toy—so she wants marriage to share editor on Troy her Griepentrog own
and doesn’t miss out on all contributing the fun. editor Ginger Kolbaba
art director Brian Mellema —Evie Palmer
designer Anneka Jack
Food Shopping
for Siblings
president Jim Daly
chief operating officer Ken Windebank
publisher Steve Johnson
cover TK
media publishing director Kevin Shirin
editorial assistant Kat Bittner
print production Gail Wise
circulation Sandy Grivy
Before going to the grocery store, each child draws
a slip with a sibling’s name on it. While shopping,
each child must pick one food item specifically for
the person he or she has chosen and add it to the
cart. Instead of kids focusing on things they want,
they are challenged to think about someone else.
It’s shopping-cart sharing!
—Jim Diefenderfer
ISTOCK.COM / COKAPOKA
10
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

Couples
stargazing
Try this fun idea for connecting
with your spouse
MY HUSBAND AND I began
stargazing as part of our date nights.
There’s something special about
looking up and seeing the vastness
of the sky. Once, we gazed
from mountaintops in Utah; another
time, we used my in-laws’ backyard.
We’ve even gone to a local
planetarium to learn more about
constellations that can be seen
from our Michigan home.
We are sure to bring blankets, pillows,
snacks and binoculars. We’ve
also downloaded a star app to see
what specific constellations we’re
looking at.
My absolute favorite time was
when we set up a hammock in our
backyard. We snuggled and talked
for hours while looking at the stars.
—Hillary Garcia
Take the challenge
Grab a blanket and lie down under
the stars! Sometime during your
date, discuss these questions with
your spouse:
• Isaiah 40:26 says, “Lift up your
eyes on high and see: who created
these? He who brings
out their host by number, calling
them all by name; by the
greatness of his might and
because he is strong in power,
not one is missing.” When you
look at the “big picture” of our
marriage, where do you see God
most at work?
• Who are the people who have
acted as the North Star in your life?
• If our marriage were a constellation,
what would that cluster of
stars look like? •
STOCKSY.COM / BRIAN POWELL
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11

COUPLES / MARITAL UNITY
a marriage myth:
Uncover the lie that
distorts true marital unity
BY ROBERT PAUL WITH DR. GREG SMALLEY
ABOUT NINE YEARS into my
marriage, the conflict pattern I had
with my wife, Jenni, was predictable.
When differences arose, I would try
to help Jenni see why her position
and feelings were wrong and how
she needed to change. Jenni would
then escalate into anger to get me to
back off.
One day during that season, we got
sideways over something, and Jenni
asked if we could walk to the park so
we could talk.
I agreed.
When we arrived, she took out a
piece of paper and drew a line down
the middle. She labeled one side
“Bob” and the other side “Jenni.” On
the “Bob” side, she listed the way I
saw the issue. On the other side, she
listed the way she saw it.
She then asked me if I agreed with
her description.
I acknowledged that what she had
listed on both sides was accurate.
Then Jenni said, “From my perspective,
you just see this issue
differently than I do. And I’m OK with
the way you see it. Can you be OK
with the way I see it?”
My answer was an emphatic no.
Jenni was shocked by my response.
In her mind, differences were an
acceptable and natural part of all
human relationships. However, at
that point I was thoroughly locked
into a belief that differences were a
problem to overcome. That’s because
I had an unrealistic view of marital
unity. I thought that when a husband
and wife were joined in matrimony,
they essentially gave up their individuality
in order to become “one.”
Discovering a healthier model for
marriage eventually turned our marriage
around. Letting go of my false
idea about unity and replacing it with
a biblical mindset allowed us to form
a healthier relationship. Let’s take a
look at the true unity that God has
designed for couples.
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
12
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

MARITAL UNITY / COUPLES
The 1 + 1 = 1 lie
If you’re like me when I was first
married, a marriage represented by
the math equation 1 + 1 = 1 sounds
wonderful, and on the surface it
seems to align with God’s plan for
husbands and wives to experience
oneness. Jesus’ teaching on marriage
describes oneness as unity: “So
they are no longer two but one flesh.
What therefore God has joined
together, let not man separate”
(Matthew 19:6). Jesus uses the metaphor
of “one flesh” to describe the
spiritual, emotional and physical
unity couples can experience only
in marriage.
However, this metaphor can’t
be taken literally; otherwise, every
married couple’s goal would be to
become conjoined twins!
This two-become-one model
seems to promise fewer arguments,
but as Jenni and I found, it produces
more discord because one spouse’s
preferences, choices, ideas and personality
may get attacked or even
eliminated.
A biblical marriage requires
two healthy people
A healthy relationship requires the
foundational building block of a biblical
marriage: the healthy adult. And
by “healthy” I mean a person capable
of fully caring for his or her whole
being—physical, mental, emotional
and spiritual—who has also accepted
full responsibility for the job.
Sounds simple, right? I wish it
were, but sadly it’s not. As Dr. Greg
Smalley, vice president of Marriage
and Family Formation at <strong>Focus</strong> on
the Family, and I work with struggling
couples, we’ve noticed that
both the understanding of true
adulthood and the modeling of it are
largely missing.
The good news is that becoming
an adult is fundamentally about
those two factors I mentioned: capability
and responsibility. If you are
able to care well for yourself and
then take on the job, you qualify.
Those of us with less-than-ideal
examples to rely on may have to
work a little harder to figure it out,
but it’s completely doable.
There’s one more important element
to becoming fully functioning,
healthy adults: recognizing that, by
design, we are dependent upon God.
We are flawed and imperfect people
who need His help. The great news
is that He can provide so much of
what we need. Thus, the job of effective
adults is to responsibly care
for ourselves while simultaneously
depending on the Lord, who is our
ultimate source of life, strength, wisdom
and knowledge.
Through a commitment to personal
responsibility and self-care,
healthy individuals become capable
of forging a strong marriage. >>>
NEW
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
9 LIES THAT WILL DESTROY
YOUR MARRIAGE
Marriage experts Dr. Greg Smalley and
Robert Paul identify the rampant lies that
are killing marriages and reveal the truths
that can rescue those relationships that
are floundering.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13

COUPLES / MARITAL UNITY
When two healthy
adults interact
When Greg and I work with married
couples in our respective practices,
we try to help them understand a
concept of marriage that moves
beyond the faulty 1 + 1 = 1 equation.
We call it the Healthy Marriage
Model. This model provides a
clearer picture of God’s eternal
design for marriage.
When two healthy adults build
a relationship, a new dynamic is
formed: the Interactive Space. This
is where their relationship can grow
and culminate in marriage. Within
this Interactive Space, the relationship
develops as the couple learns
more about each other by sharing
who they are, what they enjoy
and what they want to do in life. If
things seem good and they want
to go deeper still, they might discuss
their dreams and aspirations,
their passions and their sense of life
calling.
If the Interactive Space feels tense
or is filled with anger, or spouses
anticipate criticism, hurtful interactions
or other unpleasant experiences,
they’ll likely be apprehensive to enter.
If, however, the space is warm, cozy,
exciting, loving and pleasurable,
they’ll be far more likely to want to
engage with each other. They each
get to do their part to help create an
interactive environment they both
feel comfortable in and look forward
to spending time in.
The Interactive Space
needs maintenance
Over time, neglect of the Interactive
Space is where many couples
encounter trouble. Having initially
created a warm and vibrant space,
they ignore it, assuming it will
continue to grow on its own.
For a couple’s relationship to
continue thriving, spouses must
regularly enter the Interactive Space
together and invest time and energy
into keeping the relationship alive.
This is where they can cultivate the
friendship and a marriage they love.
If they don’t maintain the space, the
relationship may wither and die for
lack of attention.
When two healthy adults are
building a relationship with each
other and with God, they can also
experience a vibrant, shared spiritual
experience together. A couple
can invest in their spiritual intimacy
by turning their private times with
God into times where they interact
with God together. This can include
prayer, devotions, Bible study,
church and Sunday school attendance,
discussions about God and
their faith journeys and many other
rich opportunities that can deepen
14
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

MARITAL UNITY / COUPLES
their intimate relationship with God.
This makes the Healthy Marriage
Model math become 1 + 1 = 3. A husband
and a wife will experience true
unity only when they give their
marriage attention and care.
The hard work pays off
Jenni and I have come a long way
since that day in the park when I
didn’t appreciate our different perspectives.
A few years ago, the Lord
helped us overcome a common
source of tension: planning our
vacations. Jenni and I have very
different ideas about what an ideal
vacation is. Jenni loves to go and do
and see as much as possible. Now, I
also love to travel and see new things,
but when we did vacations Jenni’s
way, I came home exhausted, needing
a vacation from our vacation!
By contrast, my ideal vacation
is to find a beautiful, scenic beach
where I can relax, sun and swim,
with no agenda or timelines.
Our differing ideas about vacations
became fertile ground for
constant conflict in our marriage.
But God had a better plan: unity.
Jenni and I learned to hear each
other’s hearts and better manage
conflict. After talking about how we
each felt about vacations, what each
other’s preferences were and why we
felt that way, we decided to try to create
a vacation that we could both love.
As a result, we strategically planned
our road trip to Yellowstone and
Grand Teton National Parks in a way
we had never done before: day on,
day off, day on, day off. We packed
“on” days full of sightseeing and experiences
that would leave us fulfilled
and exhausted. On the “off” days
we relaxed and recharged by sitting
around a body of water and just existing
at a slower pace.
LISTEN NOW!
Listen to our broadcast as Dr. Greg
Smalley discusses how cherishing
the differences between you and
your spouse can bring true unity in
your marriage.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
In the end, we both agreed it was
the best vacation ever! We discovered
that when we allow our differences
to blend, we find ways of operating
as a couple that are far better than
either of us would have found alone.
We now know that we really are better
together. •
Robert Paul is the vice president of the <strong>Focus</strong>
on the Family Marriage Institute. Dr. Greg
Smalley is the vice president of Marriage and
Family Formation at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. This
article is adapted from their new book, 9 Lies
That Will Destroy Your Marriage.
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15

choose to believe the best
Replacing negative thoughts about your spouse
with positive ones can bless your marriage
BY LAUREN BLASCHKE / ILLUSTRATION BY IRATXE LÓPEZ DE MUNÁIN
THE KIDS WERE DOWN
FOR BED, so my husband, Byron,
and I were alone when our conversation
took an unexpected turn.
“Sometimes I don’t think you’re
believing the best about me when
it comes to Wesley,” Byron said. “I
don’t think you fully trust me.”
My first response was denial. I said
of course I trusted him to treat my
son the same way he treated his two
biological children, Ethan and Layla.
But then he gave several examples
where I had challenged his
parenting decisions. He continued,
“I’m asking you to believe the best
about this situation and me.”
Several times over the next couple
of days, I asked myself, What do
I really believe about Byron?
During these pensive sessions, I
wrote out some thoughts I’d had
about him that stemmed from
fear that Byron wouldn’t love Wes
because he’s not Wes’ bio dad.
Deep down, I knew these thoughts
weren’t accurate, so I prayed and
went to work battling them. In
addition to writing out the ugly
thoughts, I also penned what I
would instead choose to believe
about Byron.
Thought: Byron forgets about Wes.
Truth: I would never forget about
Ethan and Layla. Byron would never
forget about Wes.
Thought: At bedtime, Byron
spends more time with Ethan and
Layla than with Wes.
Truth: Byron isn’t going to show
favoritism. He’s going to give our
children exactly what they need at
bedtime. The Lord will guide us daily.
Thought: When Byron came
home yesterday, he hugged Wes last
on purpose.
Truth: Byron wouldn’t want Wes
to feel any less loved than Ethan and
Layla, as I’d never want Ethan and
Layla to feel any less loved than Wes.
One evening soon afterward, Ethan
and Layla were at their mom’s house.
Byron called and said, “I need to finish
up a work project. I’ll be home late.”
Immediately my mind began, He’s
coming home late because it’s just
Wes and me tonight. He’d be on time if
Ethan and Layla were here.
Almost as immediately, I caught
myself. No. He’s working late because
of this project. It has nothing to do with
who is and who isn’t home. I exhaled a
sigh of faith.
One lie caught. One battle of the
mind won. One step of hope in believing
the best about Byron with God’s
grace holding us together. •
Lauren Blaschke is a freelance writer from The
Woodlands, Texas.
16
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

DATE YOUR SPOUSE / COUPLES
ISTOCK.COM / JOVANMANDIC
Fun ideas for making
15-minute marriage connections
WITH THE DAILY DEMANDS of diapers, dishes and work deadlines, it’s easy to
forget about making time for a significant connection with your spouse. However, several of
our readers have found ways to “speed date” amid seemingly relentless responsibilities. Try
a few simple ideas to pursue your spouse today. >>>
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17

COUPLES / DATE YOUR SPOUSE
MEMORY DATES
Over the decades, my wife and I have traveled and moved extensively.
The special memories we’ve shared in each location fade as new memories
replace the old. But one way we keep those moments alive is
by sitting down together and looking through old photos and talking
about them. Thousands of our memories are tucked deep in our
phones. We scroll through the images on our mobile devices together
and decide which ones we will commit to putting into a photo book.
These “memory dates” help us connect as we laugh and reminisce.
DANCE
—Tez Brooks
During our first dance on our wedding day, we tuned everyone out
to the point that we forgot they were there. In the same way, dancing
now allows us to forget about the bills and the to-do lists so we
can focus on each other. By doing this, we show that no matter how
hectic life gets, our marriage is the most important thing. Whether
a slow sway or a silly jig, dancing allows us to reconnect and keep
things light. Sometimes life can be so overwhelming, but once we
dance, our stress begins to fade. The issues remain, but tuning them
out for a short time helps us remember that we will get through the
tough times together.
We hope our girls will one day take time to dance with their
spouses amid their busy lives—because they saw Mommy and
Daddy take a twirl.
—Amber Stevens
LISTEN NOW!
You’re busy, and so is your spouse.
Listen to our broadcast with Mark
and Susan Merrill for more great
ideas on how you can connect
amid the busyness of life.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
TO-DO LIST
CONNECTIONS
For years, we attacked our to-do list with
a divide-and-conquer mentality: “I’ll
tackle bath time while you handle the
dishes.” We planned to finish the list
early so we would have time to unwind
later. It never worked out that way.
We discovered that working on each
item on our list is a great way to connect
and increase the time we spend together.
My wife and I have had some of our
most meaningful discussions while folding
laundry or doing the dishes together.
I’m not a strong multitasker, but even I
can handle talking about my week while
we bundle socks, discussing how old our
parents are getting or what things our
kids broke this week.
I’ve found three added bonuses to our
to-do list tandem approach. The first one
is that our kids rarely interrupt our conversations.
When the kids walk in and
find Mom and Dad folding laundry, they
turn around and walk out because they
don’t want to help. The second one is that
my wife and I talk almost every day, since
we need to do laundry and wash dishes
regularly. The third bonus is that my wife
thinks it’s romantic when I help her fold
laundry or do the dishes. Who needs a
candlelit dinner when you have a laundry
basket of underwear to fold?
—Jon Reynard
ISTOCK.COM / MOYO STUDIO
18
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

DATE YOUR SPOUSE / COUPLES
(BOTTOM) ISTOCK.COM / JIRKAEJC; STOCKSY.COM / ALTO IMAGES
QUESTION OF THE DAY
One thing my husband and I do to connect with each other is
answer a “question of the day.” Sometimes this question is serious:
“What is one thing God is calling you to do right now that scares you?”
Sometimes it’s silly: “Would you rather do 20 loads of laundry or
change five diapers?” (When we run out of questions, we find new
ones on the internet.) Our only rule is that the question cannot
revolve around schedules, kids or work because we want to dive
deeper than just handling daily logistics.
Making the effort to talk, even just for 10 to 15 minutes, connects
our hearts and minds. And it often leads to laughter and lighthearted
banter—something that’s often missing amid the chaos of
raising a family.
—Elizabeth Oates
10-MINUTE
WALKS
After every meal we eat together, my
husband and I go on a 10-minute walk.
No matter the weather, we put on our
shoes and walk. Research shows that
taking 10-minute walks throughout the
day benefits a person’s physical health.
My experience shows that taking walks
with my spouse is also good for relational
health.
These 10-minute walks feel more like
a ritual. We’ve timed two different paths,
so we know how far we need to go to
walk five minutes away from our house
and five minutes back.
Our walks usually inspire fun conversations
and help ease any stress we’re
dealing with. The fresh air and buzz of
endorphins get us talking about things
that have made us laugh that day, our
theological questions or what we would
do if we won a million dollars. After
doing this for about a year, I’ve realized
that committing this time to our relationship
ultimately boosts our happiness,
connection and energy.
LATE-NIGHT SNACKS
—Hanna Larsen
Shortly after we were married, my husband, Sam, and I found ourselves
on opposite work shifts. Needing a good night’s rest, Sam was
usually asleep by the time I arrived home. During this season, we
didn’t have much time for date nights. After a few months of this
schedule, Sam started waiting up for me a couple of nights a week.
He’d pour us both a bowl of cereal; then we’d eat and chat about our
day and our hopes and dreams. Even after our schedules got in sync
and children came along, a few evenings a week he’d say, “Hey, babe,
I think I need a bowl of cereal. How about you?” I always responded
with a yes and a smile.
—Jackie Carman Blankenship
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19

COUPLES / FOR HER
panic in the
powder room
Face your anxiety so you can
embrace your marriage
BY REBEKAH LYONS
ILLUSTRATION BY DANNY ALLISON
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,
my husband, Gabe, and I stayed in
a 1920s house in Carmel, California.
The house was built to last, with
10-inch-thick walls and heavy,
carved wooden doors.
While Gabe was waiting for me in
the nearby village, I used the teenytiny
powder room, and when the
lock jammed, I found myself trapped
inside a concrete bathroom miniprison.
The fear I felt induced the first
panic attack I’d had in seven years.
Even though God provided a way
of escape—I managed to climb out
of an 18-inch-wide, arched window—
the attack left me doubting that I
would ever be brave again in tight
spaces, or with heights and crowds.
Fast forward six months. Gabe
and I set out on a European
adventure to celebrate our 20th
anniversary. This was our chance
to open our hearts to each other in
ways that would deepen our relationship.
We knew that we needed
to be healthy as husband and wife
in order to offer emotional support
to each other and our kids.
While I looked forward to the
adventure with my husband, the
reality that I could have another
panic attack wasn’t far from my
mind. I’d have to squeeze into
small places, mingle with shoulderto-shoulder
crowds on public transportation
and, if I dared to climb a
mountain, be near the edge of high
cliffs. Anxiety threatened to overwhelm
me.
As women, many of us have
some fear that can keep us from
experiencing everything that God
intends for our lives and marriages:
fear that we’re not doing enough;
worry about health, politics, career
choices; anxiety that we can’t keep
up; fear of what other people think.
I’ve learned, however, that with
a little intentionality and a lot of
perserverance, anxiety can be transformed
into peace and purpose.
The command not to fear is listed
more than 100 times in the Bible,
and I took that to heart.
Here are two reminders that
helped me keep anxiety at bay
during this trip.
<strong>Focus</strong> on your purpose
As soon as I boarded the plane for
our long Atlantic flight, I challenged
myself to step inside the lavatory
20
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

Coming
in July
and lock the door because it would
set the tone for the trip. I had every
intention of starting out the adventure
by being brave. My purpose
for going to Europe became greater
than my fear, so I squeezed inside
the tiny airplane bathroom and slid
the lock closed. I wanted our vacation
to foster connection with my
husband and our memory-making
adventure more than my fear of
being trapped.
Live in the moment
I believe worry is fear of the future.
So when I’m anxious, I’m not living
in the present. And on this trip I
desperately wanted to savor each
moment with my husband, to be
fully connected with him and the
experience. No regrets.
But early during the vacation, I
encountered a gondola—a small
glass cage, jam-packed with people
that was going to soar into the sky.
I hesitated, but then I looked at
Gabe, whispered Jesus’ name and
got on, stepping toward adventure.
After that, Gabe and I had so
much fun, so much play in Europe.
The vibrancy of the trip hearkened
back to our early days as honeymooners.
I was so caught up in the
adventure that I forgot to be fearful.
Now I look back and hold to
those memories. I have another
reason to trust that God will provide
a way of escape the next time
I’m faced with fear. •
Rebekah Lyons is the author of Rhythms of
Renewal: Trading stress and anxiety for a life of
peace and purpose.
What lies are you buying
into about marriage? That
you should live happily ever
after? That your spouse
should fulfil you? Myths like
these lead to discontentment
and conflict. Learn truths
that have rescued many
marriages and form the
core of <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family
Canada’s Hope Restored
marriage intensives.
Pre-order online at
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800

COUPLES / EVERYDAY MARRIAGE
quick pecks
and flirty texts
Build strength in
your marriage through
loving routines
BY DR. GREG SMALLEY
I SOMETIMES FIND it difficult
to connect with my wife, Erin,
throughout the day. Not that she
and I have drifted apart emotionally;
it’s just that my brain is compartmentalized.
When I’m at work . . .
I’m thinking about work. So I’ve
actually taped two little words to
my computer monitor—Text Erin—
to remind me to connect with her
throughout the workday.
One day while I was at my computer,
I noticed the note and
grabbed my cellphone to create a
quick connection with Erin. I started
off the text thanking her for making
breakfast. But then I remembered
that our kids all had activities that
would leave us alone together for a
few hours that evening.
So I got specific about how
we could spend our “alone time”
together, hoping that my flirty text
might set the mood for later on.
After hitting send and putting
my phone down, I started working
again. In just a few seconds, I heard
my phone vibrate. A new text from
Erin!
I quickly picked up the phone and
just as quickly felt mortified. The text
was from my boss!
“Please tell me you meant this for
Erin!” was his reply.
I learned a valuable lesson about
making sure I’m texting my wife
before sending out a flirty text!
We all want and need to spend
quality time with the people we
love, and it’s especially important to
spend time with our spouse. If we
keep that core relationship strong,
it makes all the other relationships
around us stronger.
But as any athlete knows, building
strength requires ritual: You need to
run or swim or lift weights regularly.
If you train only now and then, you
won’t see results.
Building strength in your marriage
is a little like that. Don’t underestimate
the power of daily rituals. Those
pecks on the cheek and saying “I
love you” are important for building
a strong, lasting relationship. Other
rituals include:
• praying and reading the Bible
together
• going on walks together
• doing chores together
• cooking meals together
And, of course, you can text or call
your spouse during the day just to
check in. You’ll find that over time,
these regular moments—daily rituals—strengthen
your love. •
Dr. Greg Smalley is vice president of Marriage
and Family Formation at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
STOCKSY.COM / LUMINA
22
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

Faith & Inspiration
MISSION
on
Draw closer to
each other by
serving together
EVER WONDER HOW to
keep your kids busy during breaks
from school? Ever want to jumpstart
their spiritual growth or open
their eyes to needs beyond their
own? These are just some of the
benefits of a short-term mission
trip. Read the following stories of
three families who embarked on
short-term mission adventures and
discovered the many benefits of
serving together. >>>
STOCKSY.COM / BRUCE AND REBECCA MEISSNER
FAMILY
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23

FAITH & INSPIRATION / MISSIONS
Bonds that span
generations
Most people zip past Boquillas, a town
of 500 homes in Guanajuato, Mexico,
without a second glance. But the
Stephens family isn’t like most folks.
Boquillas has become a second home
to the family, who have visited annually
for two decades.
It all started in 1998 when a former
resident of Boquillas asked the
Sunday-school class that Mark and
Beth Stephens attended to donate
Bibles. One thing led to another, and
before they knew it, Mark and Beth
and their three children were in
a “crummy red bus ” on their way to
help build bathrooms for the church
in Boquillas and lead vacation Bible
school (VBS). Mark says he went with
“half a heart” for the task. Before the
week’s end, he loved the townspeople
with his “whole heart” and knew his
family had to return the next year.
Since then, Mark, his wife, Beth, and
their children have been on several
teams that assist pastors in Boquillas.
From fixing sewer lines to building
a playground, the Stephenses
have contributed to the town’s physical
maintenance; however, they see
their greatest accomplishment as
having built relationships that span
two generations.
The Stephens girls—Katie and
Wendy—were 6 and 8 when they
first visited Boquillas. Wendy says
kids that age “can make friends with
anyone,” and the language barrier
wasn’t a factor. When the Stephens
girls went back the next year, they
instantly renewed those friendships.
As teens, the girls bonded with local
youth doing goal-oriented activities,
such as a mock “Amazing Race.”
Scotty, who has Down syndrome,
was just 4 years old on the first
trip. His joyful presence has helped
change the locals’ cultural preconceptions
about children with special
needs. Katie remembers when Scotty
was 10 and was able to show off his
ability with competitive cup stacking
during game time at VBS. “The other
kids were cheering for him,” she
recalls. “It was really special.”
Jonathan, their fourth child, was
18 months old during his first trip
in 2000. Over the years, his role has
been to participate in sports camps
with the village boys. During one
of his last visits, he shared his testimony
in Spanish with one of the
local teens. When asked why he’s
willing to give up his spring break
every year to serve in Boquillas, he
admits that real vacations are nice,
but he finds ministry refreshing. “I
get renewed in the Gospel in a way I
don’t always see it at home,” he says.
Mark and Beth have become spiritual
leaders in Boquillas. They’ve
taught marriage, theology and discipleship
classes. Beth finds that
visiting annually builds stronger relationships.
Students she taught in
VBS now have children attending the
event. Mark and Beth have also established
themselves as spiritual leaders
(TOP) STOCKSY.COM / BRUCE AND REBECCA MEISSNER; STOCKSY.COM / ALI HARPER
24
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

MISSIONS / FAITH & INSPIRATION
STOCKSY.COM / BONNINSTUDIO
in their own kids’ eyes. Wendy says
that during those early years in
Boquillas, she began asking her parents
spiritual questions, a practice
she continues to this day.
Katie is now married with a child
of her own. She and her husband
plan on taking their daughter to
Mexico. Although a few friends
have expressed concern about Katie
bringing her child, Katie says, “Why
wouldn’t I? I have a chance to bring
Hope and show her to my ‘family.’ ”
Mark says one blessing of family
missions is seeing his kids’ passions
and their devotion to the Boquillas
community. “We grow closer,” he
says, “because we have a common
goal.” Jonathan agrees: “Spreading
the Gospel, [and] working together,
brings [us] closer together.”
Building a garden
For spring break one year, Heather
and Noah Vogler and their four
children drove eight hours to innercity
Philadelphia. Their mission
was to help establish a garden in an
abandoned lot and share the love of
Christ with the neighborhood.
The kids set aside their electronic
devices, and Heather was proud to
see they were able to focus on one
another and the people of that community.
As they began building
fences, fixing up the lot and planting
seeds, neighborhood youth came
by and asked if they could help. The
Vogler children learned to work
alongside children they didn’t know
and realized the city kids were not
much different from them.
Heather and Noah were also
able to pray for hurting families.
On one occasion, Heather says,
“Compassion overtook our 9-year-old
son, and he began to pray for a sick
man who hadn’t spoken a word for
three days because of a brain hemorrhage.
Afterward the man quietly
said, ‘Thank you.’ ” This opened
their children’s eyes to the power
of reaching out to the lost and not
being afraid to pray for people even
if it seems uncomfortable. After that
experience, Heather says her family
became “bolder” and began to talk
to more people about Jesus.
Overall, this experience drew
them together as they saw God using
their family to serve.
Backyard mission trips
Last summer, the Hottenstein family
set aside five days to visit their
local nursing home. They called this
a “backyard mission trip.” “Each
morning, we started at home with
breakfast,” Jared says. “Then we had
prayer and a short devotion before
driving to the nursing home to garden.
We wrangled weeds, planted
flowers and spread mulch.”
After lunch, the Hottensteins gathered
up some board games. They
spent the afternoon playing games
with the residents or treated them to
minimanicures. The residents loved
the family’s kids, Jared says. One
resident even shared his personal
supply of ice pops with them.
After dinner, the Hottensteins
returned to the nursing home to
read some stories and pray with
a few residents before the older
folks went to bed. By the end of
the week, even the youngest of the
Hottensteins knew each resident by
name.
Jared recalls that on the last day
when they drove away, their new
friends waved goodbye; some had
tears in their eyes. The Hottenstein
family had taken selfies with the
residents, which helped them pray
for each one long after their backyard
mission trip ended.
Jared reflects, “You don’t have to
travel to another country to see God
do awesome things.” •
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25

FAITH & INSPIRATION / MINISTRY IMPACT
searching for answers
Emily felt like she was drowning in
depression, so she went looking for help
BY THOMAS JEFFRIES
PHOTOGRAPHY BY BRENT LOOYENGA
26
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

MINISTRY IMPACT / FAITH & INSPIRATION
SHE WAS THE KIND OF
GIRL who embraced life and
the kind who couldn’t bear to live
another moment. Emily had spent
her 19 years caring about certain
people far more than they ever
cared about her, and that night she
just stopped caring. The weight
and the suffocating darkness she
had experienced before—back
when her father abandoned her—
had returned, but this time it was
all-consuming.
She was the kind of girl who
didn’t have many friends her age,
not because she wasn’t friendly, but
because overachieving and overcommitting
to every extracurricular
activity in sight didn’t leave much
time for relationships. So when one
of the few friends Emily did have
was killed in a horrific accident, the
ensuing grief was just one more
stone in a tower of depression she’d
been building for months. Emily
was still grieving a couple of weeks
after the accident, yet she arrived
on campus eager to present her
class project.
She was the kind of girl who
earned straight A’s, not just because
she could, but to build herself up
and to prove—to whom? herself?
God?—that she was worthy and
smart and capable. But that night
in class, as students milled around
the tables looking at one another’s
projects, a couple of them started
yawning and walked away in the
middle of Emily’s talk. Her classmates
didn’t realize it, but Emily
left the college that night feeling
invisible.
I’ll never be enough. I’ll always be
forgotten. I’ll never matter to anyone.
Of course it wasn’t true, but Emily
wasn’t thinking clearly that night.
By the time she got on the freeway,
she could see no hope for the future.
She was no longer in control.
The tears flowed as she pressed the
accelerator and closed her eyes.
Emily was 4 when her parents split—
over her father’s drug and alcohol
addictions. She gave her heart to
Jesus at 9, on the log benches of
Twin Lakes Friends Camp in northern
Idaho. It was that same summer
Emily couldn’t read the scoreboard at
a baseball game. She simply needed
glasses, the family figured, but the
ophthalmologist said Emily’s optic
nerves were on fire.
The diagnosis was uveitis—severe
inflammation of the eyes caused by
an overactive immune system. She
was in pain and practically blind in
one eye. Within a year she was also
being treated for juvenile rheumatoid
arthritis.
So why would her father pick this
moment—when his daughter’s body
was ravaged by medications that
made her nauseated and exhausted,
her hair brittle and her face swollen—to
simply stop showing up?
Why did he disregard phone calls
and letters from a 10-year-old girl
who was convinced that her daddy’s
disinterest was rooted in her appearance,
her sickness, her value? Did
he know that his absence in Emily’s
time of need convinced her that she
must be bad or dumb or annoying or
just plain ugly?
“For several months I waited expectantly
at the living room window
every Sunday afternoon,” Emily said,
“hoping that perhaps this time he
would come down the street for our
weekly visits like he did before.
“But he never did.”
Her eyesight and joint pain eventually,
sporadically improved, but
not her faith in fathers. Two years
passed before Emily saw her dad
again, then a decade. Sure, Emily
still had her loving mother and her
beloved nieces and nephews. She
still had her church family—mentors
like Auntie Brenda and Pastor Mike,
who called Emily “a joy to be around.”
Pastor Mike even treated her like one
of his own. But high school . . . high
school was a long stretch of lonely,
filled with weary days and “this seat is
saved” in the cafeteria.
One of Emily’s few friends was
Mikelli, a girl from church. Mikelli
was a freshman when Emily was a
senior; they shared a music class at
school, and though she wasn’t sure
why, Emily prayed for Mikelli a lot
that year.
Mikelli was on her way to the North
Idaho College jazz festival when the
car she was riding in was struck at a
railroad crossing. Emily, now a college
freshman, was sitting on the
couch when she got the text. At first
she just stared at the screen, not
understanding. Then she dropped to
the floor and screamed.
Her grief contributed to the sadness
that was already sinking in that
winter. For weeks Emily had tried to
ignore her growing anxiety, hoping
it would go away on its own. But it
didn’t, and Mikelli’s death weighed
heavily on her that night as she
headed to her evening class.
The hurt of her father’s abandonment
had also crept back. When she
finally departed the campus that night,
Emily was drained and empty from
trying to win the approval of others.
Once on the freeway, she couldn’t stop
sobbing. A decade of physical, emotional
and family pain came to a head
as she pushed harder and harder on
the accelerator. Then Emily let go of
the steering wheel, and the car began
to drift her toward eternity.
Whether it was the sound of the
rumble strips or a rock hitting her
car, Emily isn’t quite sure. Today,
all she knows is that she opened
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27

FAITH & INSPIRATION / MINISTRY IMPACT
her eyes in time to see the looming
guardrail—just in time to jerk hard
on the wheel and swerve back onto
the road. What am I doing? Why am
I doing this?
Emily didn’t trust herself to drive
home. Still shaking, she took the
very next exit to the closest safe
person—Auntie Brenda, her friend
from church.
“I walked in, unannounced and
crying, and she hugged me so tight,”
Emily said. “Half an hour passed
before I even told her what happened.”
Back home that night, Emily
remained confused by what she’d
done. She tried her best to sleep,
but the darkness was still swallowing
her. She ended up on <strong>Focus</strong> on
the Family’s website—searching for
answers, searching for something.
“They had resources for people
dealing with depression and thoughts
of suicide,” she said. “There was
one article in particular [that spoke]
straight to my heart.
“I read through it over and over that
night and wrote down the [Bible]
verses the article referenced on notecards.
A few hours later, I was able to
fall asleep with peace.”
At Brenda’s urging, Emily talked
to her family doctor and Pastor
Mike, who put her in touch with a
psychiatric nurse. Emily learned
about the role that brain chemistry,
family history, stress and
medications can play in cases of
depression. And she carried those
notecards—the Scripture verses she
found on the <strong>Focus</strong> website—with
her everywhere.
She kept the cards in her pocket for
months, pulling them out whenever
she felt as though she were drowning.
They are now tattered and soft from
countless folding and unfolding, and
those same cards still sit on Emily’s
nightstand.
“Although I still battle depression,
I’m doing what that <strong>Focus</strong> article
said would happen as I’ve built habits
of perseverance: I’m combating
depression without even realizing it!
“That article spoke to me more
than you will ever know. It may have
even saved my life.” •
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada relies on donations
to provide hope to hurting people. Help us by
visiting <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Donate.
28
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
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PRODIGALS / FAITH & INSPIRATION
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29

FAITH & INSPIRATION / PRODIGALS
4 principles for encouraging
faith in your adult children
BY ROB RIENOW
AFTER COLLEGE, Gerry and Jen’s daughter, Melissa,
moved hundreds of miles away. She not only left physically,
but she also “left home” spiritually. She had been raised
Christian and had always attended church, but because of
a series of hurts, poor choices and spiritual battles, she no
longer considered herself a believer. Like many other parents
in this situation, Gerry and Jen were heartbroken and
discouraged. Still, they knew that parenting was a lifelong
mission, and they needed to continue to reach out to their
daughter with God’s love.
They sent Melissa a letter. It was simple. They wanted
her to know, in writing, how much they loved God and
how much they loved her. There was no response, not
even a polite acknowledgment that the letter had arrived.
However, two years later, Melissa found her way back and
embraced a relationship with God. When Melissa eventually
shared her journey with her parents, she told them
that God had used that letter to start the process of turning
her heart back to Jesus.
If you have a son or daughter far from God, it isn’t too
late for your faith to influence your child. As Gerry and Jen
knew, parenting is a lifelong mission. There are four biblical
principles for you to consider as you embrace the
mission of encouraging faith in your adult children.
Offer your
heart to
the Lord
Can we hope to lead a child in a
direction we aren’t going? Consider
Deuteronomy 6:5-7: “Love the Lord
your God with all your heart and
with all your soul and with all your
might. And these words that I command
you today shall be on your
heart. You shall teach them diligently
to your children.”
Parents tend to focus on that final
thought—the command to help
their children follow God. But in the
larger context of these instructions,
God calls us to personally love
Him with all of our heart before He
addresses our parenting.
I believe there are two essential
aspects for parents when it comes
to offering our hearts to the Lord:
personal repentance and praying
diligently for our children. No one is
a perfect parent. We’ve all made (and
continue to make) mistakes. Have
you taken those parenting failures to
the Lord with a spirit of repentance?
The purpose here is not to wallow in
past sins but to receive forgiveness
and freedom through Christ’s work
on the Cross.
Adult kids make their own choices
and will be held accountable for
what they choose. The parent is not
responsible for those choices. But we
also must reject the idea that how we
have lived our lives hasn’t affected
our kids at all. Our lives have a ripple
effect through generations.
Next, when it comes to praying for
your child, I encourage you to focus
your prayers on the spiritual condition
of your son or daughter. It may be
that your son is struggling in his marriage
or your daughter is experiencing
stress at her job. These are important
things to be praying for, but when one
of our children is far from God, the
focus of our prayers should be for the
Holy Spirit to transform our child’s
heart so he or she is drawn into a living
relationship with God through
Jesus (Matthew 6:33). >>>
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
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PRODIGALS / FAITH & INSPIRATION
Turn your
heart to
your child
Next, ask God to “turn your heart”
to your child. This principle comes
from Malachi 4:5-6: “I will send you
Elijah the prophet before the great
and awesome day of the Lord comes.
And he will turn the hearts of fathers
to their children and the hearts of
their children to their fathers.”
God speaks of a day when He is
going to work in the hearts of parents
and their children, turning their
hearts toward one another. What
does it mean to have your heart
“turned” to your child? It means that
the Lord has given you a passion, a
fire in your belly, to see your son or
daughter loving and living for God.
I was recently talking with a parent
whose son had “come out” and
was embracing a homosexual lifestyle.
The father was crying as he
told me the story. In a way, I was glad
to see him crying because I knew
his heart was “turned” to his son. I
don’t believe that we will do the difficult
work—spiritually, emotionally,
intellectually or relationally—to pursue
our prodigal children unless our
hearts are fully engaged.
We also must be on guard that
our concern for our children does
not turn to bitterness. It may be that
your son or daughter has said or
done things that have deeply hurt
you. Begin by taking those things to
the Lord in prayer, choosing to forgive
as the Lord has forgiven you.
Then ask God to remove anger from
your heart.
I am convinced that the shortest distance
between your adult child’s
heart and Christ is your relationship
with him or her. God created
family and ordained parents as the
primary spiritual influence in the
lives of their children. Your influence
may look different now that your son
or daughter is grown, but it hasn’t
ended. In Proverbs 23:26, Solomon
writes to his son, “My son, give me
your heart.” Solomon knew that he
would have little or no influence if
he didn’t have a heart-connected
relationship with his son.
Steve was 22 years old. His heart
was hard toward God and his parents.
In a counseling session with
me, he expressed that his father had
invited him out to breakfast to have
a conversation with him.
Steve said, “Now, when my dad
says he wants to have a conversation
with me, it means him lecturing
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
ABANDONED FAITH
Experts Alex McFarland and Jason
Jimenez shed new light on what Christian
parents must do to reach their young
adult children.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Store
Draw your child’s
heart to yours
me for an hour about all the problems
in my life!” So Steve made
plans to meet his father for breakfast,
out of respect, but his heart was
already closed to anything his dad
might say.
In this situation, Steve’s father
would have been far wiser to sit with
his son and say, “Steve, I know that
lately things have not been good
between us. My purpose for asking
you to breakfast is to listen to your
perspective on things.”
Would you like to have more
godly influence in the lives of your
adult kids? Influence flows through
warmth, closeness, honesty and
respect. If your children are far from
God, invite them to be honest with
you about their perspectives on
spiritual things. The more you build
loving relationships with your children,
the more you can encourage
them in their faith.
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31

FAITH & INSPIRATION / PRODIGALS
Point your
child’s
heart to
Christ
As God restores and rebuilds your
relationship, look for opportunities
to have honest, spiritual conversations.
And trust that the message
of the Gospel is powerful by itself.
Remember Romans 1:16: “I am not
ashamed of the gospel, for it is the
power of God for salvation to everyone
who believes.”
It’s not up to you to come up with
the right words to say or the perfect
actions to do. Remember that this
isn’t your burden alone. God loves
your adult children even more than
you do. And as you share the Gospel
message of God’s unmerited, unconditional
love for your kids, the Holy
Spirit is the One who softens their
hearts and convinces them of the
truth.
Talking with your adult
children about Jesus
If you are preparing for a spiritual
conversation with your child, ask
the Lord to give you the heart of
Jesus. “When [Jesus] saw the crowds,
he had compassion for them,
because they were harassed and
helpless, like sheep without a shepherd”
(Matthew 9:36). When we have
Christ’s heart of compassion for our
children, we don’t approach them
with an attitude of forcing our religion
on them. Instead, God can help
us in these moments to be “full of
grace and truth” (John 1:14).
We communicate grace to our
children when we assure them of
our love for them: “I love you, no
matter what. There is nothing you
can do that will make me love you
any less.” We communicate truth
when we are honest with our children
about their spiritual condition:
“I am concerned for you. More than
anything else, I want to see you thriving
in your relationship with God.”
Having honest, personal, spiritual
conversations will require courage.
The Enemy would have you talk
only about work, the weather, movies
and sports for the next 20 years.
Perhaps you have heard this phrase:
“Desperate times call for desperate
measures.” When our children are
far from God, it is a desperate time.
Ask the Lord for courage, boldness
and faith.
God will not abandon you as
you prayerfully seek to share the
Scriptures and His love with your
children. He has entrusted your
son or daughter into your care, and
it is never too late for God to use
you to lead your prodigal child
back to Him. •
Rob Rienow, Ph.D., is the founder of Visionary
Family Ministries and the author of Never Too
Late: Encouraging faith in your adult child.
LISTEN NOW!
Listen to our broadcast with Alex
McFarland and Jason Jimenez to hear
more insights on how you can help
your adult child reconnect with God.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
32
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

Kids & Teens
What triggers them and how you can encourage
healthier relationships in your family
BY VANCE FRY / ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA
KIDS CAN SAY SOME
MEAN THINGS, often without
recognizing how painful their words
are. During her middle school years,
Mikayla, our oldest, would declare,
“I wish I didn’t have any siblings,”
after a spat with a sister or brother.
“Then it could just be me and Mom
and Dad.”
Harsh words, and not exactly the
most prudent way to make peace
with a sibling. Micah, our youngest,
was especially outraged by any
implication that life would be better
if he didn’t exist. So these altercations
would usually go downhill
from there, with more harsh words,
tears and the booming punctuation
of slammed bedroom doors.
Why can’t they just get along? It’s
the enduring question of parents
around the world. I like how Dr.
Todd Cartmell, author of Keep the
Siblings, Lose the Rivalry, outlines
the root sources of sibling conflict:
• Parents have more than one
child.
• Those kids live in the same home.
I guess that sums it up. Sibling
conflict is unavoidable. It’s just part
of life with young humans whose
“life-giving skills are still developing,”
Cartmell explains.
But that conflict can have benefits.
Years of working through the
ups and downs of family life is how
brothers and sisters develop those
life skills. And managing conflict
together creates lifelong bonds. It
helps kids develop empathy and
authenticity, character traits that
transcend childhood to equip
them with better communication
and conflict resolution skills in the
future.
So how do parents lead children
to treat one another with maturity
and civility? Recognizing the family
dynamics that spark sibling conflict
can help you guide your kids to
make better decisions during their
interactions with one another. Here
are some big contributors to sibling
conflict and some ways to respond:
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33

Breaking boundaries
Oh, how kids can fight! They bicker
over toys and spaces and annoying
noises. They argue over fairness and
about who smeared jam in their new
book. Many of these conflicts are
ignited by real or perceived violations
of a boundary. Children, particularly
younger ones, don’t often have a
good understanding of how their
actions and words affect others.
“At times you’ll need the wisdom
of Solomon to dispense justice in
the face of conflicting testimony
or inconclusive evidence,” says Dr.
Paul Reisser, author of <strong>Focus</strong> on the
Family’s Complete Guide to Baby &
Child Care. Indeed, when sibling conflict
happens, it can be difficult to get
to the bottom of the he-started-it and
it’s-not-fair squabbling.
Instead of getting frustrated,
ask yourself these questions:
What is the real boundary here?
Some boundaries are legitimate
common-sense standards that kids
are going to have to learn to accept.
Other perceived boundaries may
simply arise from one child’s personality
or current mood. Kids have
yet to develop maturity and everyday
common sense. So, yes, it’s good
when kids are not obsessed with
controlling their spaces, possessions
and circumstances. But it’s also good
to have respect for sensible boundaries,
recognizing the activities and
interests of others.
So parents must work to nurture
an attitude of sacrificial love and
selflessness in their kids’ hearts.
Sibling conflicts are often the simple
result of self-centeredness, so cultivating
a loving, selfless attitude can
help avert the fighting.
Can my children work it out
by themselves? Maybe, so don’t
jump in right away, unless there’s a
threat of injury. If you intervene too
quickly, you don’t give your kids the
opportunity to develop their conflict
resolution skills. Even when you step
in, do so with curiosity and a gentle
nudge toward having your kids solve
their own problem. Ask, “What’s a
good solution to this problem that
seems fair to everyone?”
Dr. Reisser suggests that parents
keep an eye out for imbalances of
power and conflicts that don’t seem
to have a fair resolution. Avoid having
a “let them fight it out” mindset
for every conflict, because some of
your kids may feel bullied or develop
a sense that they have no allies in
the family.
Am I making assumptions about
the situation? It’s easy to observe patterns,
perhaps that one child tends
to spark conflict more than others.
But don’t play favorites, Dr. Reisser
advises. “The fact that one child
is normally more compliant than
another doesn’t mean that he isn’t
capable of instigating wrongdoing.”
Comparisons
Every parent of more than one child
notices that children have a heightened
sense of what is fair. They’re
always comparing themselves to
others, analyzing which sibling got
the bigger treat, the longer time on
the video game system, the slightly
larger reward for finishing a task.
Nurture a balance. Kids like
things to be fair, and even though
a big part of life is recognizing the
hard truth that life isn’t always fair,
no one’s life at home should be a
source of persistent injustice.
As kids grow older, comparisons
start to become a larger issue. Some
comparisons may be minor differences
that do not affect a good
relationship, but they can also be a
source of ongoing conflict between
siblings. Keep reminding your kids
that everyone is created differently,
and we will spend the rest of
our lives living with different types
of people. See your family life as a
training ground for helping your
kids learn to live in society and
within the body of Christ.
34
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

SIBLING CONFLICT / KIDS & TEENS
Help children recognize that they
are unique and special. Differences
do not make one child lesser or
greater than a sibling. “Parents of
more than one child will regularly
have to exercise a delicate responsibility:
recognizing and praising each
child’s unique skills, strengths and
accomplishments without implying
that one sibling is somehow better
than another,” explains Dr. Reisser.
There will always be comparisons,
but siblings should generally
treat each other as being on the
same team. “Build a culture of love
and respect in your home,” says
Dr. Cartmell. Have fun together.
Whether it’s a family movie night
or a hike with a picnic lunch, you’re
nurturing peace and teamwork, giving
your kids a safe space to bond
and relate to one another.
Competition for attention
I often think of when our oldest,
Mikayla, got her first sibling. We had
tried to prepare her for the arrival of
her sister, as much as it’s possible to
lovingly inform a toddler that she’s
not going to be the center of the universe
anymore. While she mostly
handled the transition well, crying
and confusion weren’t uncommon
in those first few days when she saw
Mommy holding Isabelle. It was a little
preview for the next several years
of our lives, of our children learning
a simple skill of how to share parents.
As parents, we have limits to our
capacity. But we need to make sure
that we have time and energy available
for every child in the family.
Take walks, one on one, with each
child. Dads, take a shy daughter to
the hardware store with you, and
stop for ice cream on the way back.
Moms, teach your son to bake cookies.
Listen as your children open up!
Take an interest in the things that
interest each child.
Kids will still fight, of course, but
they will grow through the conflict
if they are secure in the knowledge
that they are loved and cared for as
equal members of the family. •
Vance Fry is a former senior associate editor at
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
LISTEN NOW!
Listen to our broadcast as
education expert Cynthia Tobias
shares practical ways to manage
sibling conflict.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
HEAT OF THE BATTLE
BY DR. PAUL REISSER
Don’t get pulled into every conflict. Sometimes children
will start an uproar in a misguided attempt to
gain adult attention. Ignoring their efforts will reduce
the odds of a repeat performance. Even if that isn’t
their motivation, in some situations it’s reasonable to
give children a chance to sort out their own conflicts.
But don’t let conflicts get out of hand. If the children
are not arriving at an appropriate solution, if someone
is being bullied, or if insults (or fists) are flying, call a
time-out for tempers to cool down.
Repeatedly teach the principle of mutual respect
and its implications. Conflicts and disagreements
among children (and parents) must be settled within
a framework of mutual respect. This is the basis for
curbing insults and not allowing arguments to escalate
into physical combat.
Administer discipline privately. The embarassment
of being disciplined in front of people—especially other
children who may secretly take pleasure in watching the
punishment—is both painful and counterproductive
and more likely to lead to resentment than improved
behavior.
Discourage tattling. If one child tells you about
the misdeeds of another, the second child’s behavior
must be dealt with, assuming that the story is
true. But if the first child seems smug or gleeful while
reporting to you what his sibling did, or if he appears
to gloat over the other child’s discipline, he needs to
be reprimanded, too. The issue isn’t that he reported
the wrongdoing; at times such information may prevent
an accident or injury. But discourage the attitude
of tattling that derives satisfaction or pleasure from
another’s “crime and punishment.”
Remember that “this too will surely pass.” Will
children who have squabbled so intensely for years
actually have civilized relationships later in life? Yes,
it’s true: In the vast majority of cases, a child’s passage
into adolescence and adulthood ends sibling
warfare and replaces it with pleasant camaraderie,
deepening friendship and (most surprisingly) fervent
loyalty.
Taken from <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby & Child
Care. Copyright © 1997, 2007 by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. Reprinted with
permission of Tyndale House Publishers.
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35

KIDS & TEENS / SUMMER FUN
36
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

…that don’t break the bank
BY SAMI CONE / PHOTOGRAPHY BY ERIN DRAGO
6:19 A.M. As my husband finishes packing the
trunk, our teenagers argue over who gets the back
seat to themselves. I have wondered whether this
weekend adventure will be worth the effort—the
planning, the saving, the follow-through.
But . . . the journey is the gift.
One of our family’s values has long been to trade
the “stuff” of life for experiences together. That’s
often easier said than done. With the barrage of
media and (usually) good-intentioned friends telling
us what we should buy or what we need to own,
it can be difficult to look past the tangible to see
the intangible. Yet we’ve come to appreciate the
valuable payoff in prioritizing shared experiences—
a deep bonding with one another and family memories
that will last a lifetime. We’ve also discovered
that committing to regular family adventures
doesn’t have to cost a fortune.
Do you want to start bonding as a family through
sharing experiences? The following are a few tips
about where to look and how to get started:
Adventures just
down the road
Who said you must leave town to get away? Even
if you don’t live near a big city or tourist area, there
are likely a number of interesting events and places
to stay within a 45-minute drive from home.
Whether you want to take the family to a new
exhibit and spend the night downtown, or unplug
from media by camping at a provincial state park, park, a little a little
research and creativity can reveal many options.
Find something for everyone. I recommend
picking an activity that your whole family will
enjoy, perhaps a local sporting event or familyfriendly
festival. Or choose something totally new
that you can experience together. Ever been to
an air show? A museum with a collection of the
world’s largest insects?
Spend the night, if possible. While it may seem
contrary to good budgeting practices to spend
money on lodging near your home, the impact on
kids is well worth it. Whether it’s staying up late
watching a movie after swimming in the hotel pool
or sleeping in and then eating as many different
types of cereals as possible from the breakfast
buffet, kids love the adventure of a night away.
Make it a mini? If spending the night somewhere
isn’t in your budget, consider planning a staycation.
Put aside weekend chores and camp out in your
backyard or living room, and then spend the next
day exploring your hometown. Discuss with your
family what means the most to them when it comes
to time together. Just as our kids often preferred
hanging out at the hotel more than exploring the
destination, you needn’t spend unnecessary money
on something that doesn’t speak to your family’s
sense of adventure. >>>
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37

KIDS & TEENS / SUMMER FUN
A little farther
down the road
Ah, the family road trip—a good
idea in the planning stages, but after
the first few hours on the highway,
you’re wondering what you’ve gotten
into. Yet it costs less than flying, you
have a vehicle to use, there’s more
room for packing, and you aren’t
dependent upon airline schedules.
There’s downtime, too. As I write
this (two hours into our 12-hour
drive), my 13-year-old son popped
up from his makeshift bed in the
seats behind me. I asked him what
he likes about road trips.
“The time to myself, to think and
listen to music,” he said. “And the
snacks!”
The point of these family adventures
is the together time, but don’t
underestimate the break in routine
that kids need, especially as they
get older. A change of scenery can
help kids process life and new ideas,
and maybe discover something new
about themselves.
Don’t just wing it. You’ll drain
your adventure funds quickly if you
don’t plan ahead. First, decide the
purpose for your trip and set a realistic
budget. Next, get a map and
start outlining the route and its costs,
including where you’ll likely stop for
food, fuel and lodging. If you decide
you want to cruise a scenic highway
during the change of seasons, then
the drive becomes the event. If you’d
rather visit a festival or big community
event, you’ll allocate more
resources to the destination than to
road expenses.
We took a few road trips last summer:
one to see family, one for a baby
shower and another for a motherson
event. Our budget looked very
different for each trip. Avoiding the
need for lodging allowed us to spend
a little more on meals or admission
to different attractions.
38
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

Coming
in July
Time it right. If possible, drive
during off-times. Avoid rush hour
on Friday nights and Sunday evenings
after a holiday weekend.
Timing can also help save money
on lodging. If you live near a business
epicenter, hotels are often
more expensive midweek. But near
tourist attractions, there are better
savings if you can book a Tuesday
or Wednesday night. During these
low-traffic times, attractions often
partner with local hotels for big
savings.
Save on food. My son got it right:
Snacks are a perk for the family road
trip. But if you buy snacks at convenience
stores and eat at restaurants
every meal, you’ll pay a big price.
As with the rest of the adventure,
the trick to saving money on food is
planning ahead. Try to buy simple
meals and snacks during the weeks
leading up to your trip so you can
take advantage of local sales.
Then, if possible, find lodging near
stores that sell groceries.
This is especially applicable if you
stay at a hotel or rental home with a
kitchen. One trick we take advantage
of is having groceries delivered to
wherever we’re staying. Even with a
little delivery fee, preparing just one
meal per day can save your family
hundreds of dollars over the course
of a week.
Flexibility keeps it fun. Aim to
keep everyone’s expectations realistic.
Once you’re on the road, you’ll
likely run into unexpected traffic,
weather delays and out-of-order
signs, no matter how carefully you’ve
crafted your adventure. Remain
flexible, brainstorm alternatives
together and remember the old saying:
Sometimes, the journey really is
the destination. •
Sami Cone is the author of Raising Uncommon
Kids: 12 biblical traits you need to raise selfless kids.
Growing up, Sheila Erwin’s
boys seemed to have
impossible career goals, yet
now they are the successful
filmmakers behind I Can Only
Imagine. Let her encourage
you to trust the Lord as
you discover and grow your
child’s God-given talents.
Pre-order online at
Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca
or call 1.800.661.9800

KIDS & TEENS / ADOPTION
‘you’re not
my mother!’
A grace-filled
response to these
four dreaded words
can draw you and
your adopted child
closer together
BY SANDY LIPSKY
“YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!”
From the moment I brought home
my infant daughter, I dreaded the day
I would hear this statement. Eight
years later, those angry words finally
spewed forth from her mouth.
I don’t even remember why she was
upset, but I do remember that her
comment haunted me and filled me
with self-doubt. At some point, your
adopted child—that precious person
you’ve loved unconditionally—will
likely direct these words at you. But
instead of freezing or getting into a
heated argument, let your grace-filled
response serve as an opportunity to
create a stronger bond.
Affirm your role
Lovingly and kindly remind your
child that you are, in fact, his or her
parent. Swallow the shock of the
moment, take a deep breath, and
say, “Yes, sweetie, I am your mom.”
Such simple words. Such true words.
We should not be taking our children’s
pronouncements personally.
We need to recognize the declaration
for what it actually is: a disguised cry
that says, Who do I belong to? And in
all honesty, you can say with confidence,
“I am your parent—and you
are my child.”
Reaffirm your role
When conflicts arise, reaffirm your
role by simply saying, “As your mom
[or As your dad ], it’s my job to make
sure you’re protected/guided/cared
for/safe.”
Just as we need reminders that God
is our Father and He seeks our best,
our children need to know the same
thing about us. We shouldn’t wait
until drama appears to reaffirm the
safety and security that we provide
for them.
Offer continual
words of love
Even when we don’t think our kids
hear us, speaking words of affirmation
and affection will eventually
sink in. Our children need to hear
us tell them over and over, “You are
mine. You are safe. You are loved.”
When we say, “I’m so glad you’re
part of this family; we wouldn’t be
complete without you,” we express
a beautiful truth. The message is,
You are somebody, and you belong
to me.
I knew that I’d been able to get
this message across when, years
after that first angry outburst, I
read a Facebook post my daughter
wrote about me: “For anyone who’s
had the opportunity to meet my
mother, you know how full of joy,
adventure, laughter, humility and
love she is. I am incredibly lucky to
get to call this wonderful woman
‘Mom.’ ”
•
Sandy Lipsky is a freelance writer and
adoptive mom who lives in Georgia with her
husband and daughter.
STOCKSY.COM / GABRIEL (GABI) BUCATARU
40
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

TEENS / KIDS & TEENS
WHEN
BOUND–
ARIES
HINDER
BONDING
Rules are important,
but connecting with
your teen is essential
BY JONATHAN MCKEE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN MELLEMA
“MY 17-YEAR-OLD daughter never
wants to talk with me.” The middle-aged
mom at my parenting workshop dabbed
at her eyes with a tissue. “I don’t know
what to do.”
I listened as the mom recalled some
recent conversations with her daughter.
And here I use the word conversations
loosely.
“Did you finish your homework?”
“Did you clean your bathroom?”
“What time did you get home last night?”
As we talked, I could see what the
problem was. This daughter didn’t want
to talk because it’s likely that in her mind,
her mom was acting like a parole officer
searching for malfeasance.
I had made the same mistake with my
oldest child. My focus on boundaries had
hindered bonding. These two parenting
objectives often feel at odds with each
other, but they don’t have to collide. >>>
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41

KIDS & TEENS / TEENS
Recognize the balance
Bonding and boundaries. Both practices
are essential, yet parents tend
to gravitate toward one or the other.
Which way do you lean?
With my oldest, I definitely focused
on boundaries. I often acted like a
drill sergeant, barking orders and
reminders to my son. And I noticed
something: When I’d walk in the
room, he’d look nervous, as if thinking,
Now what am I doing wrong?
I had wanted to teach discipline
and responsibility. But my laser
focus on boundaries hurt our
relationship.
As parents, we must ask ourselves:
Who are our kids going to go to when
they mess up or are facing a moral
dilemma? Will they go to the person
who seems ready to pounce on them
every time they do wrong?
If there’s too much weight put on
boundaries, our kids won’t feel safe
to open up to us, and we’ll miss key
opportunities to teach them discernment.
Indeed, when parents have
a thin relationship with their kids,
those kids tend to glean values and
behaviors from other sources.
But the parents who bond with
their kids have more opportunities
to walk through life together, to
process challenges and decisions.
A close bond opens the doorway to
applying boundaries.
Look for natural
connections
Think for a moment about the last
time you engaged in a meaningful
conversation with your teen.
What initiated and fueled that
conversation?
The answer that I hear more
than any other is the family dinner.
Dinner is one of those staple connection
points for families. But there
are many other opportunities. As
parents, we must be on the lookout
for times and places where meaningful
communication occurs in our
homes and be proactive to seek out
these venues.
Another connection point is bedtime.
One parent told me that she’d
periodically return to the old routine
of tucking her kids in at night,
even as teens. “It usually resulted in
a pleasant conversation,” she wrote.
“It’s like sleepiness made them chattier
than normal.”
Observe when your teens tend to
open up and engage in meaningful
conversation. How can you create
more of these opportunities in your
weekly schedule?
Say yes to opportunities
to bond
Recently, my 18-year-old daughter,
Ashley, asked, “Dad, do you want to
go on a bike ride?”
Put this into perspective. This is
an 18-year-old asking her dad to do
something with her. Many parents can
count on one hand how many times
their teen has asked them to hang out
in any given month . . . or year.
Actually, Ashley is pretty social,
and we hang out frequently. So I hesitated.
My schedule was jam-packed!
I thought, Jonathan, it’s completely
reasonable for you to say no. She’ll
understand.
But I said, “Yes!”
We went on a one-hour bike ride
on a river trail a few minutes from
our house. And it was one of the
most rewarding times I’ve had with
42
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

TEENS / KIDS & TEENS
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Ashley in months. We literally talked
for an hour without interruption.
We discussed movies, music, college
plans, friendships, conflict and
personality types. We even talked
about parenting.
All because I said yes.
My parenting repertoire is filled
with stories of feeling too busy or
too overwhelmed; you probably
know the feeling. We all have valid
excuses. But do you know how much
time the average adult spends each
day soaking in entertainment media
and technology? Add it up. All your
TV time, computer time, time on
your smartphone, time spent reading
books and magazines, etc.
One study found that the average
adult devotes approximately nine
hours and 51 minutes per day to
media and technology. So I’ll speak
directly here as a fellow parent who
has struggled with this: Don’t tell me
you don’t have time.
Many teens won’t ask to hang out
very often. So when they do, slide
everything aside to make it happen.
These opportunities often come
in odd ways and at inconvenient
times. And they aren’t always fun.
Once it was my daughter Alyssa
coming in and saying with a sigh,
“Dad, want to go to the DMV with
me? I have to renew my license.”
Woo-hoo! The DMV!
She actually wasn’t even excited
to hang out with me; she just didn’t
want to go to the DMV by herself.
I snagged the opportunity. I even
asked, “How about a Jamba juice on
the way home?”
Make time. Even if it turns out to
be a drag.
Take a fast from
boundaries
You might be reading this and
thinking, I’m that parent. I’m the
drill sergeant. My dialogue with my
kids typically involves checking up
on them or disciplining them.
If your scales are already
weighted completely toward
boundaries, you’re going to need to
work extra hard to reverse this trend.
You may need to start a boundary
fast. This means walking into a room
and stifling the urge to ask your kids
if they’ve finished their homework
and chores . . . and just hanging out
with them instead.
Again, boundaries are essential,
but I’m addressing parents who are
so focused on boundaries that they
rarely bond with their kids. If that’s
you, try going 24 hours without giving
instructions to your kids at all. If
the damage is really bad, you may
need an entire week. Don’t allow
yourself to discipline, correct or
advise in any way. Instead, look for
opportunities to bond and just do
life together.
Maybe you don’t need a boundary
fast. Maybe you feel like bonding
is important, and you want to make
sure you maximize these opportunities
while you can. If so, look for
moments of connection. Seek out
settings where bonding happens.
And if your kids never ask you to
connect, that’s all the more reason to
seek out those bonding experiences.
Take the initiative and give your children
a taste of your full attention. •
This article is adapted from If I Had a Parenting
Do-Over. Copyright © 2017 by Jonathan
McKee. Reprinted with permission of Shiloh
Run Press, an Imprint of Barbour Publishing.
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43

KIDS & TEENS / FOR HIM
do your boys
respect girls?
Have the courage to talk about
sex and respect with your sons
BY DAVE WILLIS
OUR 13-YEAR-OLD SON,
Cooper, arrived home from his first
day of eighth grade with a question
that left my wife and me nearly
speechless: “Do girls like it when boys
send them pictures of their penises?”
Cooper told us that some of the
boys on his bus had been using their
phones to take pictures of their genitalia,
with a few boys sending the
pictures to friends. Cooper had been
shocked. Do girls really like that?
His mom reassured him, “Girls do
not like getting these pictures. They
might laugh, but inside they’ll be
disgusted and maybe terrified. Boys
should treat girls with respect. This
behavior is both disrespectful and
illegal.”
My four sons are growing up in
a culture that has experienced a
wake-up call on sexism. My boys
watch the news. They see the stories
and chatter online. They come
to me with questions, and I desperately
want to get this right. How
can we raise sons who are respectful
of women?
Silence is not golden. If there’s an
absence of healthy conversations
about sex and respect, boys will
seek answers online and in locker
rooms. The information they find
there often creates more problems
than solutions. Worse, it can create
a mindset that there are certain
times when it’s acceptable to disrespect
women. That gradually rewires
a boy’s thinking, harming his future
relationships.
As fathers, we must lead our boys
in healthy conversations about sex
and respect so they grow to view
women and girls as coheirs in God’s
family and not as commodities to be
exploited. Some conversations may
be uncomfortable, but having the
courage to be transparent and vulnerable
will build trust with your son
and help him learn from your wisdom
and experiences.
Be available when your son
wants to talk. Important conversations
can be initiated by our boys at
unlikely times and around unlikely
subjects. Don’t avoid these precious
opportunities. A bike ride or game of
STOCKSY.COM / LUMINA
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

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basketball often leads to meaningful conversations.
Most boys are more receptive to talking when it
just happens naturally as a result of activity.
Encourage healthy masculinity. Raising boys
who respect girls doesn’t mean we need to
demonize masculinity. I’m proud to have sons,
and I want them to attain the highest ideals of
authentic manhood. Most males share the same
needs for community and camaraderie. We need
to be intentional about helping our boys find
healthy ways to meet these needs instead of settling
for dangerous, disrespectful counterfeits.
Walk the talk. Your boys notice how you treat
your wife, but they’ll also observe how well your
words and actions respect other women. How do
you speak about a neighbor? What jokes do you
laugh at?
Nurture an atmosphere of respect for women in
your home, in the conversations you have, the ministries
you participate in and the entertainment
you enjoy. Introduce your boys to books and movies
that portray male characters who demonstrate
respect toward women and see their equal worth.
Show him the gold standard. Read the Gospels
together with an emphasis on seeing Jesus’ profound
respect for women. Jesus carried out His
earthly ministry in a time when females were low
in the social hierarchy. Yet some of Jesus’ most
heartfelt interactions were in conversations with
women. In the name of love and respect, Jesus was
willing to break down man-made cultural barriers
that were harmful to women.
His timeless example is still our best example.
When our sons learn to follow Jesus, they grow
into men who respect women. •
Dave Willis is a pastor and the author of several books on
marriage. His latest book is Raising Boys Who Respect Girls.
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June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45

KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY
gone fishin’
Carmen, 14
My daughter loves fishing, especially when she can
kick off her shoes and relax by the lake.
—Josh from Colorado
Hudson, 4
Our grandson was thrilled to catch his first
fish—a 4-inch trout—with his daddy!
—Rosalind from Colorado
Asher, 3
Our son’s first time fishing and
camping. He loved it!
—Mandi from Arizona
Maximus, 10
Fishing is my son’s favorite pastime,
especially with his dad and grandpa.
Catching this big-mouthed monster
made his day complete. Fish on!
—Michelle from Pennsylvania
Your kids could be in
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine!
Email photos* of your child playing on a playground or visiting the
zoo. (Put “playground” or “at the zoo” in the subject line.)
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46
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020

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