KALTBLUT-HONK! 03 The Divas

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Have you met me?
It’s like stumbling onto a scene from the “Devil Wears
Prada“, you race to the office and drop into a coffee
shop and scream at the barista to make sure its a “Soy
Latte“ with vanilla dust and not some normal american
with full fat milk all the while scanning the pastries for
the demanded cinnamon rolls ...
It’s getting close to 9 am and the walk by traffic on the
street is mental on this midweek workday.
Let me introduce myself: Its ME the new office slave to
the queen of all nightmares.
This is a scene that can be applied to many office
environments so i am not filling in any names, you can
enter your own names here where they fit.
Just entering the office i can feel her already being in
the building, there is an awkward humming going thru
the cubicles which usually means she’s already here
and probably in a foul mood. Remember that “Soy
Latte“? Well, she is already on a war path because of a
caffeine withdrawal syndrome.
“Where the fuck have you been? Does it always take you
this long to get some shitty coffee? You always seem to
forget whom you are getting this coffee for, ONLY ME
the stupid bitch that is paying your wages, no?” I mean
how can i forget who is paying my wages? This witch is
reminding me of this fact nearly every day ..., sometimes
even twice before lunch and three times after.
Usually she is already in the office by the time I get
there, by the time any of us gets there really. So what
ever you do or whatever time you get there it will never
be good enough.
I sometimes wonder if she is carried into the office by a
bunch of muscular hunks in golden jockstraps like the
queen she thinks she is.
To be honest I don’t even know if she does go home at
all, i’m joking obviously but she is always here.
This is NOT my day, the cinnamon rolls are dry!
What does this mean for the rest of the day? I’m fucked!
She will be on my case all day now..
I am sure you guessed it by now, this is not an out of
the ordinary day, why don’t I just switch jobs? Are you
high on crack?
For all the shit I have to put up with this is my dream
job, just like in that movie.
There even have been a moment or two when I indeed
felt some kinda connection to her, she might have been
dunk though or it was a line of coke, don’t care really
cos it was nice to not being shouted at and feel like a
human next to her in one room.
In my head this moment lasted I think an hour ... In
reality I guess it was more like five minutes. That’s the
fucked up thing about reality, isn’t it?
I always wondered what “Miss Diva“ is like when she
is at home. Maybe her husband is the tyrant there and
she is the little chicken that’s doing all the chores? Or
she kicks everyone’s arse there too and instead of going
for a piss round with the dog she kicks it out the backdoor.
Well this is how it happens in my head anyway.
We never got that close to find out that part.
What turned her into this monster though is what I
keep asking myself over and over?
Unless she’s been like that even as a little girl kicking the
boys in the sandbox and pulling the other girls hair to
make them give them their juice boxes and sandwiches.
Maybe it was her folks that turned her into this snake
pit of a woman that you wanna serve a “Soy Latte“
with ipecac (a serum to induce vomiting like Linda
Blair in the exorcist, look it up on google there are also
some nice videos on YouTube).
I know that certainly will not be abel to change her,
I think before that happens I find myself sipping the
ipecac myself. Not that I want to but it’s more likely to
happen.
I think what makes her this way as well is that she
thinks she can walk on water, or more like, do this job
better than anyone else in this building, god knows
even in this industry.
Maybe I am sticking around because I am somehow
fascinated by this whole show of hers everyday and secretly
want to become like her in a few years and then
it might be YOU that will bring me my frappuccino
with lactose free milk and a pepperoni sandwich!
You best make it spicy or I kill you!
Sure many of us have over ambitious bosses sitting in
front of us that make our live a living hell, have you
ever wondered what you would be like running a department
or even a whole company? Especially when
you have to deal with loads of megalomaniacs and egos
bigger than the country they reside in?
I am certain it is not easy every day but being a bitch or
bastard doesn’t make it easier for us the ones working
for you cheese balls.
I used to love going into work and now I am just going
into work to get somewhere.
Kinda hope I get there someday, because you know
what?
It’s exhausting working for a diva like you.
I might be back being the bad ass diva myself you better
watch it.