Ghost Man on Third - Scottsdale Edition

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WHAT’S INSIDE?
3 KICKBALL PAGE 3
Welcome to WAKApalooza
Scottsdale, and welcome to the
long awaited GMOT
16 GAMES SCHEDULE
Detailed schedule and field
assignments for all 3 Division of
games.
4 MEET THE DREAM TEAM
Community leaders from all
across the country who care
about one thing: You having fun.
21 MAKE $$ FOR KICKBALL
How can you afford to play in all
of these tourneys? We’ll show
you some unique ways.
5 OFFICIAL PARTY SCHEDULE
It’s non stop action from
Thursday to Monday. Stay on
top of all the crazy events we’ve
got planned.
26 KICKBALL KASANOVA
Our love expert is back sharing
with you the Top 10 places NOT
to have sex in town.
12 TOURNAMENT DETAILS
Rankings, logistics, and rules for
all the tournament divisions.
Everything you need is here.
32 SCOTTSDALE DIRECTORY
Everything you need to know
about Scottsdale – from places to
eat to Urgent Care centers.
15 FIELD MAP
Detailed field map of Eldorado
Park, including parking and
bathroom locations.
.

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PAGE 3
Kickball. Think about that for a
second. You - an educated and
working (hopefully) adult playing
a game (seriously, don’t call it a
sport) that was designed for 2 nd
graders to run around on the
playground. And not just for a
local league, but for an actual
travel tournament. In fact, you
paid money to sign up, travel, and
booked a hotel room in order to do this. And not just
you, but over 600 others just like you!
Now the truth of the matter is that this whole kickball
tournament is not just about kickball, but the ENTIRE
experience - the competition, the fun, the drinking, the
parties, the sex (for some of you) and the escape from
the REAL world. This “Rock N’ Roll Weekend” in
Scottsdale will be your chance to step out of your shell,
be a little silly, meet different people, and have some
new and exciting experiences. So if there’s an Asian
Kickball Tournament Director that you’ve been wanting
to “get to know better”, this weekend is your chance.
“42 teams, over 600 players, and
more debauchery than Vegas on
New Year’s Eve.“
I struggled for 2 minutes quite a bit thinking about this
upcoming weekend. We all know that WAKApalooza
Scottsdale has gone well past ridonkulous. 42 teams,
over 600 players, and more debauchery than Vegas on
New Year’s Eve. This event has basically turned into
this giant 80’s hair metal rock concert…with open bar.
Meaning you know how terrible this is going to be, but
you can’t help but enjoy the debacle.
With that being said, allow me to introduce to you the
lead singer of this crazy show – me. My name is Sa.
People call me Sa Dizzle, Super Sa, or (my favorite) Oh
Lord Sa. I spent the past week preparing for Scottsdale
by listening to classic rock songs like Welcome to the
Jungle, Rock You Like a Hurricane, Final Countdown,
We’re Not Gonna Take It, Here I Go Again, Eye of the
Tiger, Start Me Up, Don’t Stop Believin’, Livin’ On a
Prayer, Community Property, 17 Girls in a Row, and
Wanted Dead or Alive. To me, these songs encapsulate
what kickball is all about: sex, drugs, and alcohol FUN.
And who doesn’t like to have a shitload of fun? Hell,
we’re going to have so much fun this weekend you’ll
feel totally constipated about it.
Mind you, it’s not just me making music. There’s an
entire ensemble with a 12-piece orchestra and gospel
choir – what CLUBWAKA likes to call the WAKApalooza
“Dream Team.” Many of them will be in Scottsdale,
and you can see all their sexy faces on the next page
(ok l lied…not all of them are sexy, but you can
pretend). You can be sure that every person on the
Dream Team will do everything they can to make sure
this weekend is going to ROCK for you.
To start things off, we’re bringing back the popular
GMOT Magazine (Ghost Man on Third). It’s a kickball
newsletter that’s barely about kickball but more about
everything else. Everything you need to know about
WAKApalooza Scottsdale is in this issue. Everything
you didn’t know you needed to know is also in here.
And yes, this will be the first of many more GMOTs on
this WAKApalooza National Tour 2020: The Road To
Las Vegas.
I’m really can’t wait for this weekend. My only problem
is that I already know that when it ends, I won’t be able
to remember a single thing.
-Sa
Editor-in-Chief

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THE OFFICIAL PARTY SCHEDULE
Important: each party will require a Party Wristband. If you are already registered for any of the tournaments, the
Party Wristband is already included (yay!) You can pick them up at any of the parties or at the fields. There will be
WAKApalooza staff at each event checking people in and distributing Party Wristbands. You can also purchase on site
for $50
With love in the air we've got an extra special lineup of
bars this year, including some old favorites and a new
standout. We're also adjusting the times so that you
can spend more time at each location and get shot
with Cupid's arrow.
Be sure to wear your ravishing red or look pretty in
pink as we celebrate Valentine's Day by flooding Old
Town Scottsdale with all the CLUBWAKA love. Best
outfit wins a $25 gift card!
THURSDAY 2/13: CIRQUE DU CLUBWAKA
@ THE DRAGON - 10PM
There's no party like a WAKApalooza Party, and what
better way than to celebrate with all the hardcore
party animals coming early to Scottsdale for Cirque du
CLUBWAKA.
Bar Crawl Schedule:
1. Rock Bar, 630pm-8pm
2. Cold Beer & Cheese Burgers, 8pm - 930pm
3. The Social Tap (Balcony Bar), 930pm - 11pm
4. Boondocks, 11pm - 2am
Drink and food specials at each bar. Make sure to pick
up your Party Wristbands when you check in at the
bar!
Join us at The Dragon as we dance, drink, and sing at
our very own exclusive kickoff club night. Whether
you want to dance to the sounds of DJ CK ONE, chill in
the lounge and chat with friends you've missed from
across the country, drink the night away with exclusive
exotic cocktails, or sing in one of the luxury 6 karaoke
suites, it’s the perfect start to a wild and crazy
weekend.
Theme is Circus, so get creative and come dressed to
impress. Best outfit wins a $25 gift card!
SATURDAY 2/15: JUKEBOX TIME MACHINE
AFTER PARTY @ WASTED GRAIN - 10PM
Join us for the Official Tournament After Party for
WAKApalooza Scottsdale Rock N Roll Weekend: Juke
box Time Machine @ Wasted Grain.
FRIDAY 2/14: CUPID’S CURSE BAR CRAWL -
@OLD TOWN - 630PM
Why does everyone get into Scottsdale so
early? Cause nobody wants to miss the popular
WAKApalooza Scottsdale Bar Crawl - Friday in Old
Town Scottsdale.
With a new decade upon us, let's go back in time and
celebrate the best musical era that you've ever
known. Grab some change and jump back into your
favorite decade of music. With a large concert hall,
huge patio, and tons of space to party, dance, or even
drink and relax, Wasted Grain is the spot to be
Saturday night of WAKApalooza Scottsdale Weekend!
Best of all, everyone with a Party Wristband will
receive complimentary expedited entry, as well as
complimentary drink tickets (tickets distributed to first
300 guests).

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Don't miss out on the biggest party night of Scottsdale
Weekend. We're going back in time, so dress and
rock out accordingly. Both the DJ and the live band will
be jamming out the classics that we all know and love.
SUNDAY 2/16: PAJAMA JAM BRUNCH @WHISKEY
ROW & EL HEFE - 10AM
WAKApalooza Scottsdale's LEGENDARY Sunday Brunch
has gotten so BIG and EPIC that we are now doing
TWO LOCATIONS in order to fit everyone! This year
we will be at BOTH Whiskey Row and El Hefe (right
across from each other).
Join us Sunday morning as Whiskey Row & El Hefe will
OPEN ONE HOUR EARLY EXCLUSIVELY FOR ALL
WAKAPALOOZA PLAYERS. That's right - at 10am only
guests with a Party Wristband will be able to enter to
secure their team tables and get the party
started. Doors will not open to the general public
until 11am*.
SUNDAY 2/16: SUNDAY FUNDAY DANCE PARTY
@CASA AMIGOS - 2PM
WAKApalooza Scottsdale is adding an amazing new
party this year that you won't want to miss. After the
morning brunch, hop on your scooters and join us for a
Sunday Funday dance party over at Casa Amigos - the
hottest post brunch after party in town.
With a huge selection of beers, margaritas, and
cocktails, this the the spot in town to chill, dance, and
party the day away. All players with a Party
Wristband will receive special pricing on drinks ($5
wells, wines, and margs) as well as half off all
appetizers!
Dont' miss out. Casa Amigos is an award winning
venue that feels like the best house party in
town...with all of your friends!
Yes we know the venues were not ready for the
WAKApalooza onslaught last year, but they have
assured us they are fully ready and prepared this time
when we say over 500 players are coming!
Be sure to come dressed in your most comfortable PJ's
or Onesie. Our very own CLUBWAKA DJ CK ONE and
DJ Man Cat will get the party started right at 10am, so
don't be late!
*Whiskey Row and El Hefe do not accept advanced
table reservations. Doors won't open to the public
until 11am, but WAKApalooza players and guests have
early exclusive entry starting at 10am. Let's see if we
can get both places filled up before 11am and shut out
the rest of the public!
SUNDAY 2/17: WIN, BOOZE, OR DRAW GRAFFITI
PARTY @BOONDOCKS - 9PM
Staying in Scottsdale until Monday? We've got one
final awesome party to wrap up the epic Sunday
Funday of WAKApalooza Scottsdale Weekend.
Come to our Scottsdale closeout party with your
favorite marker and white shirt. It's like a traditional
graffiti party, but you can only draw pictures - so let
your artistic skills shine through!
So join us Sunday night at Boondocks for this final
EXCLUSIVE PARTY FOR ALL WAKAPALOOZA
PLAYERS. All players with a Party Wristband will
enjoy happy hour specials on food and drinks all night
long. Plenty of indoor and outdoor space reserved for
CLUBWAKA and tons of fun games to play.

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SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE? DRUNK GUIDE
Whether you can dance or not, when you are drunk,
you think you can. This severe lack of judgment can be
an embarrassing venture to undertake, considering
that you clearly don't have your wits about you, you
are at the bar crawl, and you are about to put on a
physical display the likes of which the world has never
seen. In order to minimize the collateral damage, here
is a brief guide to some of the most common moves
pulled out on the dance floor, how to use them, when
to use them, and when you should just sit back down.
subsequent rolling of the dice with one hand (maybe
with some playful head bobbing mixed in for good
measure). Then roll the imaginary dice towards
someone you want to dance with.
Doing the dice is a good safe bet for guys out there,
because it shows women that you are able to sit
through a movie starring Katherine Heigl. And they like
to be able to talk to you about this type of shit. It may
also be a way to get some positive attention without
getting yourself completely covered with sweat.
Instructions: Lay on stomach. Flail legs up and down,
while moving your torso forward with your hands. This
resembles a worm trying to move forward.
The worm takes more commitment than any other
regulation dance out there. It also requires the
performer to lie down on the dance floor. This shows a
dedication to one’s craft, but also may end up
completely ruining one's clothes. Please use this
maneuver with discretion, and watch for any broken
glass. If you are able to do this dance well, there’s a
good chance that after you’re done a crowd of your
peers will raise you above their shoulders and declare
you the best dancer in the club.
Instructions: Put one hand out in front of you (like a
Nazi salute, but with less angle) and the opposite hand
on your head. With that same arm, move your elbow
forward and back to the beat, while simultaneously
twisting your torso with each down-beat. When you
can’t twist anymore, quickly turn body all the way back
in the other direction and repeat. The entire movement
will simulate a lawn sprinkler, hence the clever name.
At various times throughout the post-Disco era, the
Sprinkler has been a very popular dance. It is the
perfect move to bust out at Wasted Grain, or at
another ironically-themed party. Think of this move as
the dance equivalent of bringing a bunch of people
back to your apartment after the club ends, only to
bust out your original NES. “Oh Shit!”
Instructions: This dance move is so easy, you could
do it in a wheelchair. Pantomime the shaking and

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Instructions: Find a range of motion you are
comfortable waving your arms in, then on every few
beats lock your joints for a few beats, then release and
start waving again. Once you master this with your
upper body, you can move on to your legs/knees.
This is the workingman’s version of The Robot, which
is actually a much more difficult dance than you think.
This can be a very fun dance that will show people that
you have a good sense of humor, unless you get way
into it. Remember you never –under any
circumstances- want to resemble those gold robot
guys in Times Square. As a guideline, take yourself
seriously, but smile. Remember, you are not a
professional dancer. You play kickball damnit.
cast it into the sea of dancing ladies. Continue this
casting then reeling rhythmically until you are lucky
enough to catch one. You get a special bonus if she
pretends to be hooked in the mouth and bounces back
to you as you reel her in. If after 10 casts, if you do
not receive any bites, it’s time to move on. Don’t
worry, there are plenty more dances to be perfectly
executed.
This isn’t a real dance per se, but it is a move that
people still do. Be forewarned that this move is about
as played-out as sarcasm, but with that said you may
still get some laughter if used in the right situation. A
safe bet is to do this dance at a place when you
already have a partner. Otherwise if unsuccessful, this
dance can be difficult to watch.
Instructions: Raise and extend arms at shoulder
level, then put your hands up to create a 90-degree at
your elbows. Rhythmically pantomime the milking of a
cow above your head. Get into the beat with your legs,
and don’t be afraid to bob your head and accentuate
with your shoulders to get this all to make sense.
A general rule of thumb is that no heterosexual man
should ever dance with both his hands above his head,
but this dance is currently the only known exception.
Think of this dance as a last resort, because there is
virtually no sex appeal. You may get some people
laugh at what you are doing, or maybe even solicit
some positive attention due to the fact that you simply
do not give a fuck.
Instructions: Take one step forward, then slide your
foot back, keeping it on the floor. immediately follow it
with the exact same action from the other foot. Find
the beat, and do this rhythmically. Once you find your
stride, move the corresponding slightly bent arm
forward to simulate walking forward and backwards; if
done quickly enough it will seem as though you are
running in place.
The running man is classic dance that is a bit harder
than it looks. To do the running man takes good
cardiovascular health, and a bit of practice. Maybe a
good thing to do would be to set up a video camera in
your bedroom and tape yourself practicing. Consult the
video to see what you are doing wrong, and practice
until perfected. Then take your new move to the club.
Note: It would be a good idea to get rid of the tape
before it ends up on Youtube.
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So there it is my fellow kickballers. The next time
Macie Bea tries to pull one of those “you got served”
moves on the dance floor, make sure you bust out
some of these gems to put her and her “crew” in their
place. Just promise me not to break your back – I’m
not responsible.
Instructions: Pretend you have a fishing pole and

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REGIONAL TOURNAMENT DETAILS
Saturday, February 15 th , 2020
8:30 AM – 6:30 PM
El Dorado Park
2311 N Miller Rd, Scottsdale, AZ 85257
Games played on softball/soccer field grass
CAPTAINS Check in: 45 minutes prior to 1 st game time
PLAYERS Check in: 30 minutes prior to 1 st game time
FOUNDERS DIVISION
Cash Prizes– 1 st Place $1200 2 nd Place $600
OPEN DIVISION
WAKA BUCKS – 1 st Place $1000 2 nd Place $500
The WAKAPALOOZA Scottdale Regional Kickball Tournament is a one day kickball tournament played under WAKA
Kickball Rules*. The tournament consists of two phases: the Pool Play phase and the Elimination Bracket phase, which
culminates in the final championship game.
Teams participating in the Regional Tournament are required to provide 1 player for base umpiring duty
during the hour their team is idle. Game assigned is listed on the schedule
CHECKING-IN AND RECEIVING WRISTBANDS
All players must check-in for the tournament at the check-in desk AT LEAST 30 minutes prior to their team’s first
scheduled game Saturday morning in order to participate in the tournament. All players must bring with them a valid
government issued photo ID, and be properly registered on their tournament team.
All players will be issued a wristband at check-in and must keep the wristband on for the entirety of the day and
evening to ensure game participation, access to the park, and access to specified social events.

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FC DIVISION Tournament Rules
*There are a few modifications to the standard WAKA Kickball Rules for the Regional Tournament. In
summary, we are adopting the rules that will be used for Founder’s Cup.
• WAKA is not providing shirts for this event, so all teams are welcome to wear their uniform of choice.
• Home team in Pool Play will be determined using RPS
• The top 8 teams will advance to the elimination round – determined using Win/Loss/Tie standings.
• Tiebreakers as follows: head to head, runs allowed, run differential, run scored, higher starting seed.
• Length of games during pool play will be no more than 5 innings, and no new innings will start after the
50 minute mark.
• Length of games during elimination play will be 6 innings, with extra innings as needed to determine a
winner. Games exceeding 90 minutes may be subject to a time restriction at the discretion of the
director.
Additional Game Play Notes (specific to Founders Cup and Regional Tournament play)
1) Any and all athletic gloves are considered performance-enhancing and are not allowed per Rule 2.03.
2) If the 3rd and final out of an inning is recorded due to improper positioning of a base runner (such as in Rule
10.03 or 1.06d), that will conclude the plate appearance for the player at kick, and the subsequent kicker will
lead off that team's next inning of kicking.
3) Tournament rule on 4-pitch Walks. During a single plate appearance, if a kicker is walked on exactly four
pitches, without being pitched any strikes (see Rule 11) or any resulting foul balls (see Rule 13.02), the kicker
will be awarded a walk of two bases. Base runners shall only advance as far as they are forced by the kicker
proceeding through 1st base to 2nd base.
4) Tournament rule on Encroachment. For all Founders Cup games, these rule variances modify and supersede
section 8.02 of the official WAKA Rules:
a) no Warnings will be issued for Position Infractions (of any kind);
b) for any pitch taken while a Position Infraction is occurring, the kicker will be awarded first base, or the
kicking team may elect to continue with the plate appearance, with the pitch counted as a Ball;
c) for any pitch kicked while a Position Infraction is occurring, the play will proceed as live. Once the
play is concluded, the kicking team will be given the option to accept the outcome of the play, or to
nullify the resulting play in favor of the kicker being awarded first base;
d) for b and c above, the Captain of the team at kick will speak for the team and communicate the
chosen option to the head referee.
5) Tournament rule on Foul Ball count. For all Founders Cup games, rule 14.02a is amended to state that “An
out is a count of three (3) strikes or three (3) fouls.”
6) Tournament rule on stitutions in the kicking order. A maximum of 4 substitutions in the kicking lineup may
take place per game, with no more than 3 of the same gender. Once a player is substituted out he or she can
no longer participate in the game offensively or defensively. Substitutions may only occur with players who
are “on the bench” – players not originally listed in the kicking lineup. All substitutions must be declared by
team captain to the umpire and opposing team.
7) THE GREY ZONE – All balls fielded or touched by the defense in the grey zone will be ruled as foul balls.
NOTE: The ball may still travel through the ‘grey zone’ but is not considered fair until it crosses the foul line
into fair territory. The ‘grey zone’ is essentially considered an extension of the kickers’ box and the same rules
apply.

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KO DIVISION Tournament Rules
*There are a few modifications to the standard WAKA Kickball Rules for the Kickball Open Division
Tournament. Gameplay will follow Founders Cup rules, except where noted. WAKA is not providing shirts for
this event, so all teams are welcome to wear their uniform of choice.
• Home team in Pool Play will be determined using RPS
• The top 8 teams will advance to the elimination round – determined using Win/Loss/Tie standings.
• Tiebreakers as follows: head to head, runs allowed, run differential, run scored, higher starting seed.
• Length of games during pool play will be no more than 5 innings, and no new innings will start after the
50 minute mark.
• Length of games during elimination play will be 6 innings, with extra innings as needed to determine a
winner. Games exceeding 90 minutes may be subject to a time restriction at the discretion of the
director.
Additional Game Play Notes (specific to the Kickball Open Regional Tournament play)
1) A MAXIMUM of 10 players on defense with a MAXIMUM of 5 of each gender allowed. Yes, that means you
CANNOT do 6 guys 4 girls on defense. Each team on defense can max out at 5 guys and 5 females on defense. If you're
short a female on defense, then you only play 9 defensively. Again, the required MINIMUM is still the same (4 of each
gender).
2) No offensive restrictions on female players. When a female comes up to kick, it's back to normal Founders Cup rules.
Male Kicking Rules for the Open
3) Balls kicked by male players must cross the 1st to 3rd line to be considered fair. Any ball stopped short of the 1st to
3rd line (encroachment line), either by the defense or on its own, will be considered a foul ball. A kicked ball deflected
off a defensive player that crosses the 1st to 3rd line is considered fair.
What does this mean?
- It means that you need to kick the ball hard enough to cross the 1st to 3rd line. No more "just bunt a little harder." If
the defense is able to crash in and stop the ball, it automatically becomes a foul ball.
- No, the defense cannot choose to throw you out at 1st base if they successfully field the ball crashing in. (Normal
encroachment rules on defense still applies)
- If you kick a line drive or grounder and it deflects off a defensive player and cross the 1st to 3rd line, that's a fair ball. If
it doesn't cross and stays before the 1 st to 3rd line, it's foul.
- Yes, in theory the defense can form a wall along the 1st to 3rd line to try and make your ball foul, but that likely won't
happen as it'll expose the outfield.
- If you kick a line drive or grounder and it crosses the 1st to 3rd line to be fair but then is deflected off a defender and
bounces back into the area before the 1st to 3rd line, that is still a fair ball.
- Once a ball is fair the defense cannot then make it foul.
- Any infield pop or line drive caught by the defense is still the same traditional "out" no matter where the catch was
made.
- Yes, the 3rd foul ball is still considered an "out."
Why the change from the Vegas Open?
- We received a lot of complaints that the old rules were still very similar to the play of Founders Cup, where players just
had to bunt a "little harder." The objective of the Open is to create a different style of play where male players are
encouraged to work on line drives or deep kicks. This new rule set is being tested out over several more tournaments
before a standard finalization is made for the Vegas Open.

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KICKBALL TOURNAMENTS:
MAKING $$ TO PAY FOR
REGISTRATION
In today’s expensive economy, making ends meet is
no easy task. Even for those with College Degrees,
Special Training, and Dedication, finding a way to pay
your bills is sometimes next to impossible. On top of
that is the $60+ Kickball Registration Fee, and you can
see the nightmare this becomes. But, what if we were
to tell you that there are people making a decent
living, and they’re doing it without jobs? No, we’re not
talking about whores. Whoring is an occupation, just
ask your mother. We’re talking about…
____________________________________________
SPERM DONOR - Potential Income $48K A Year
Heck, it’s the one job you’ve been training for since
middle school!
Check in, do the deed, and deliver your sample to the
nurse’s face. Nah, you’ll drop it off at the check out
desk where you can make your appointment for the
next week. That’s right, various sperm banks tells us
that it is required that donors make deposits every
week, and are encouraged to come in every 3 days!
Some donors are known to donate to more than one
sperm bank every week and they are thus able to
secure a reasonable monthly income, around $4000.
With more than 500 sperm banks in the U.S. an extra
randy fellow could travel and donate to several each
day. At even $100 a load (get it, load!), and shortages
of qualified donors, your willy could net you hundreds
of thousands a year. Think of all the kickball you can
play!
But, the donation gravy train doesn’t end with sperm.
Women too can get in on the action by donating eggs.
And we’re more than a little jealous at the money
opportunities here. Supply and demand however plays
a major role in ability for a woman to receive between
$5,000 and $10,000 per Cycle.
Sperm Donor Class of ‘98
And the opportunities are only as limited as your own
libido. For just a couple minutes of their time a typical
donor can net around $100 for an Anonymous
donation and up to $500 for an Open I.D. donation.
Keep in mind that compensation is based strictly upon
the region, individual bank, and of course whether or
not you’re ugly. Open I.D. donors have accessible files
that clients can look into online to see whether or not
her future baby daddy was a cute baby, has dark hair,
or claims the I.Q. of a small dog.
The process is fairly simple. A background check of you
and your immediate family will guarantee that you
aren’t a freak show, and basic health screenings will
prove that you can physically handle the gauntlet of
porn they’re about to throw you into. That’s right,
these folks want your semen, and they’re making it
easy for you to fulfill their desires by putting you in a
nice quiet room with a bunch of porn. See, you’re
getting turned on already and we haven’t even shown
you to the room.
It’s also encouraged that you refer a friend, family
member, or co-worker to receive a nice $750 bonus. If
you’re like us and have a lot of friends, well, you’re set
to clean up.
My network… of sperm donors.
According to the Xytex Corporation, around 75,000
children are born every year in the United States
thanks to the efforts of Sperm Donors.

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Of course not everyone is going to make it big right
away, but, for many, busking is a means to an end. A
step toward stardom. The Blue Man Group, Jimmy
Buffet, Pierce Brosnan, George Burns, Bob Hope,
Jewel, Jimmy Page, Penn and Teller, Rod Stewart,
Simon and Garfunkel, Bob Dylan, and Robin Williams
all started their entertainment careers on the streets.
“You’re welcome.”
And it seems that new issues pop up every day where
Donor Dads are getting into trouble. Just last
December a case went to court where a Sperm Donor
was forced into paying for child support. So, if you
went for the bigger check and chose Open I.D.
Donation, get ready to have your life ruined in 18
years when you have to send your 900 kids to college.
STREET ENTERTAINERS -$25K A Year
We’ve all seen guy with a guitar hanging out at your
local shopping plaza with the guitar case opened. And
you’ve probably dropped a quarter in feeling sorry for
the poor homeless man. But, don’t let the sad song
he’s playing fool you. He’s just doing his job as a
busker. And that job can pay anywhere from $10 to
$20 an hour depending on how good he is and where
he’s located. Most of that income is had on busy nights
people are out seeking entertainment on the town.
World Famous Johnnie Mac has dedicated himself to
the future of Street Entertaining and has written a
book on the subject. “The Art of Successful Busking”
covers everything from what to do, where to do it, to
of course proper placement of your tip jar/hat/bucket.
Johnnie tells us on his website that he’s been a street
performer for over 15 years, and during that time he
has succeeded in “traveling the world, meeting
amazing people, making new friends, getting job offers
in the entertainment industry, and living the life of my
dreams.” And the best part in his mind was the fact
that he was “making a fortune… in fact, more than
triple what I was making in the job I left behind. In
many cases I was making 5-6 times what my friends
were making and doing it in a much shorter time.”
This is none of the people listed above but he’s
probably loaded.
Even Moby, who is labeled as a mainstream artist,
takes to the street from time to time to pay homage to
busking roots. He recently performed a show in the
Sloane Square Subway Station in London. Local
travelers, tourists, and homeless alike were all equally
annoyed.
Street entertainers have been around for a long time
and there’s plenty of ways of making a living no matter
what your talent is: playing instruments, miming,
performing comedy routines, fortune telling, and the
ever popular living statue. There it is, the perfect job
for your deadbeat roommate!
“Hey this chick’s great! But the guy could use a little
work.”
It’s perfectly legal in most places as long as you don’t
interfere with traffic and business. But, where you
don’t have to fight the community, conflicts and fights

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over pitch do happen. Career buskers may try to
maintain a “right of pitch” over others. Generally it is
considered first come, first served. And there’s even a
sort of “Busker Code” that street entertainers follow
which basically states “This is my street corner, and if
you try and set up shop here, I’ll stab you.”
HUMAN GUINEA PIG- $50K A Year
Science and health care go hand in hand. And for as
long as mankind has been practicing medicine, we’ve
been essentially experimenting. Kind of, crossing our
fingers hoping we don’t fuck this up (read:
coronavirus, china). But, the key to science is trial and
error. For every experiment there has to be a variable
and a constant. You friends can now get paid to be
that variable!
Best part is, anyone can do it. According to Covance, a
large testing firm, “Volunteer compensation is based
upon time and participation, thus the greater the time
commitment, the higher the stipend. You will receive
payment in the form of a check which can be directly
deposited into your checking or savings account.”
Those checks can really add up too. One current study
that consisted of two stays of 2 days/1 night showed
that participants will receive all study-related exams at
no cost and will receive $1,500 for time and
participation. Not bad for a couple days work. Covance
has Test Centers in Indiana, California, Wisconsin,
Texas, and several other states.
If taking pills isn’t your thing, many medical schools
have programs that allow civilians to become
a “standardized patient”—a trained person who is paid
$15 an hour to be poked and prodded by
inexperienced fingers. By using this method, students
have the opportunity to make life hell for people that
aren’t sick and get the training they need at the same
time.
The history of the human guinea pigs first finds root in
recorded history around 300 B.C. A couple of fellas
named Herophilos and Erasistratus are credited with
the establishment of the first great medical school in
Alexandria. Both men were instrumental in the
discovery of the workings of the human body including
the circulatory system, the eyes, and the nervous
system. Although great scientists, many believe them
to also be great murderers. Their patients were
prisoners that were vivisected against their will.
Truth is, studies today are much safer than they’ve
ever been, and are essential because the use of animal
testing is limited by the fact that the test subjects are
animals. And it doesn’t matter how many cute outfits
we put them in - that fact remains.
Sure, he may be an executive, but he’s still a monkey.
BEGGING- Potential Income $100K A Year
Sure, begging isn’t anybody’s cup of tea, and it’s
certainly nothing you’d want to brag about at your
class reunion. But, when the possibility arises to make
money for nothing, you know you want a piece. How
does $300 a day sound? That’s exactly how much a
police survey found panhandlers outside a local
Wal-Mart in Scottsdale can make. Inside, it takes a
clerk a week to make that much. The Police Chief in
Scottsdale says that most of these people have lived in
the city for some time, and even have homes. “This is
just their chosen profession.” We’re pretty sure that if
this whole internet thing falls through, we know what
to fall back on.
We almost feel bad for even bringing up begging as an
employment opportunity. That was right up until we
saw this news story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krg5r6n0kr4
The news piece goes behind the scenes, and by scenes
we mean around the corner with a camera, to spy on a
girl who panhandles for a living. Her gimmick is that
she was living with her boyfriend and he kicked her
out. Now she just needs to raise a little money to buy
a bus ticket to get back home. Sad story huh? Would
you like to send her some money to help her out?
Shouldn’t be a problem since she lives in a f*cking
house. When the reporter asks her about her living
situation, she says “Man, you just don’t know what it’s
like.” At least she’s honest. We don’t know what it’s
like to scam someone.

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The keen eye of a Dumpster Diver can locate discarded
items that add up to big dollar signs that others see no
use for and turn a profit on those items. It’s all a
matter of need really. It’s things like old computers,
entertainment equipment, furniture, and most
importantly scrap metals that will bring in the most
profit for a diver of dumpsters.
The camera crew interviews passerby’s who have given
her money, and they figure up that her potential
income could be around $27,000. Yeah, we know it’s
crazy, we did the research! Just to give you a
comparison, according to Careers-in-finance.com, the
starting salary for a Credit Analyst with a Bachelor’s
Degree: $32,000.
In case you’re thinking of picking up a new career,
please check out this handy “How to Guide for
Panhandling.” (www.wikihow.com/panhandle) The
guide covers everything from swallowing pride and
location to the importance of cleanliness and sending
Christmas gifts out to your regular suckers,
err…benefactors.
DUMPSTER DIVING -$100K A Year
The “art” of Dumpster Diving is the only job from this
list that hosts a site dedicated to it’s craft, that is for
Members Only, Dumsterworld.com. Dumpster divers
are a proud bunch, and that’s because they don’t want
you in on it. One man’s trash is another man’s
treasure; and in this case, their bankroll.
The true prize of dumpster diving is scrap material.
Many metals are selling at all time highs on the
market. Copper, Steel, Iron, Aluminum, and Tin all
fetch fair prices at recycling stations and scrap yards.
According to the City of Scottsdale’s Recycling website,
Americans discard 2 million tons of aluminum cans a
year. That’s 4 billion pounds, half of which you
probably tossed in beer cans just last week. A pound of
aluminum is currently worth 97 cents. That’s
approximately $3,880,000,000 in potential income.
How’s that for an answer to the National Debt?
Jackpot Bitches!
The truth is, everything has value if you have a buyer.
Petroleum wasn’t worth a dime until the modern
machinery found it’s way into the world. Many divers
find items that have been discarded and are still
usable. Sure, you may not need that vibrator anymore,
but a dumpster diver probably has someone on their
Christmas list that does!
Other Dumpster Divers turn trash into art. The folks at
Scrapyard Sculptures turn scrap metal into art. The
artists sell action figures, lawn art, and more on their
website. The items are built from mostly discarded
scrap metal and the average item sells for around $20.
Some high ticket items sell for a couple hundred.
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Whether it be rubbing one out, singing a song, running
on a human sized hamster wheel, bothering your
neighbors for cash, or sifting through the trash for tin
can, there are lots of creative ways to make ends
meet. Sure, none of them are something you’d want to
mention you do to that person you’re dating… but if it
means the difference between playing kickball or not,
the argument’s already been decided. We for one are
gonna head to our “office” and make a “deposit” at the
“bank”.

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KICKBALL KASANOVA: WORST PLACES FOR SEX
Greetings boys and girls. Kickball
Kasanova here – your guru for the most
important issue about kickball: hooking up.
We all know the real reason you’re playing
is to find someone special. And I’m here
again to offer up my words of wisdom to
help you go home with the girl/guy of your
dreams.
We've all seen it in the movies.
We've all fantasized about it. Hell,
some of us have even gone out
and tried it for ourselves. I'm
talking about that super sultry
place to have sex, that in your
mind seems sizzling and amazing,
but in reality, because of logistics,
is not all you built it up to be.
I'm not saying these places can't
be done, because they absolutely
can and have been tested. And
I'm not saying that you shouldn't
try them just for bragging rights
and the ability to mutter, "Been
there, done that" when the
location comes up in a sexually
charged conversation. What I'm
saying is that what you might
think would be hot, wet, and wild,
usually turns out to be
uncomfortable, difficult, and
awkward.
Considering a few of you this
weekend might find yourselves
“in the mood,” let me just save
you some time and
frustration/regret and tell you
where in Scottsdale you SHOULD
NOT BE HAVING SEX.
10. The HOJO Hot Tub
First of all, I was a lifeguard for
many years and thus know a little
about optimal chlorinated water
concentrations...oh and people
fucking in bodies of water too. For
instance, did you know that the
amount of chlorine in a hot tub is
higher than that of a swimming
pool? Not just because of higher
water temperature and the ease
of bacterial growth, but because
of the sheer magnitude of germs
left behind compared to a
swimming pool, due to various
activities.... Yuck! Doing the freak
nasty in a hot tub pretty much
accurately describes the
experience on a microbiological
level: freaking nasty!
Spa sex is nothing else if not
extremely HOT though. I'm
talking about raised body
temperature, sweat dripping, oh
my god I'm going to die of heat
exhaustion, HOT. You know how
you sometimes get really
overheated from hot steamy sex
and feel like you might just catch
flames at any moment? Well
imagine starting out at that
temperature and then going at it
in a hot tub, thus doubling the
heat index. Hot is an
understatement!
9. In the HOJO Shower
but ironically it isn't. Shower sex
is difficult at best.
First, the quarters are usually
cramped, unless you rented a
house with a particularly spacious
shower (the HOJO’s shower is
tiny). Second, it's slippery as hell
and unless you have worked out
the whole height differential
equation perfectly between the
two people involved (trust me I
know), it usually means there is
heavy lifting involved. Don't get
offended ladies, you ALL count as
heavy lifting when it comes to
sex. I know women like to think
they're light as a feather but even
if we're talking about a 100-
pound wisp of a girl, it isn't easy
to hold you up in the air for any
length of time. Especially the
length of time it takes to make
this shower rendezvous
"satisfying" for everyone
involved.
Plus, there's that whole water
lubrication issue to contend with,
and I don't recommend keeping
an emergency bottle of KY in the
shower for use in a pinch--you
just may, one day in a haste to
get to class, end up with the
strangest hair day imaginable
when you grab the wrong bottle
to use as shampoo. Save
everyone a pulled muscled or a
shower slip concussion and just
shower together as foreplay, then
have sex afterward, then shower
together again, then....you get
the idea...rinse...repeat.
It's just not all it's quacked up to
be. Relax people, this is number
ten so it has to be somewhat
debatable at least. Sex in a hot
tub is not only a cliche but also
highly overrated.
Stick it, test it, stick it to 'em! I
know, I'm losing all of you by
starting at the top and working
my way to the good ones, but
that's how these lists are done.
You might think that the shower
is a good place to lay some pipe,

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8. In the HOJO Hotel Room
7. In Front of a Video Camera 6. In the Car
If you haven’t noticed already,
you’re just better off not having
sex at the HOJO at all. Yes it’s
the host hotel, but that doesn’t
mean it’s the right environment
for that intimate moment. The
walls are thin, the beds not so
sturdy, and judging by the
amount of broken doors we have
every year, there’s a good chance
your little moment under the
sheets will get interrupted by
drunken player barging into your
room looking for his or her
missing shoe.
So if it’s a no on the hot tub,
shower, and bedroom, is there
really no hope if you’re staying at
the HOJO? Well, to be fair there
is one really good spot. The trick
is just finding the right time:
One night in Paris64. This is one
of those places that definitely falls
under "highly overrated." There is
a reason actors, actresses, porn
stars, etc. get paid to do what
they do. It is their JOB to make it
look good, and the amount of
production that goes into making
sex look good is actually quite
mind boggling.
As much as you like to think you
are all hot and sexy during your
"dance in the sheets," you really
look like a light sensitive epileptic
at a Pink Floyd laser show having
a seizure on top of someone else.
Why you would want to film that
and then watch it from the
outside is beyond me.
You know why I know this doesn't
work? Because I have the
internet, that's why. How many
sex tapes have hit the internet
without the "stars" actually
sanctioning their public release?
Why would you potentially want
to be one of those people? Sure,
everyone thinks it won't happen
to them until [insert almost
anything here] happens and
POW! You are now the latest viral
video, forever. Is it just me or do
all these internet sex tapes of
"sexy celebrities" bear an
amazing resemblance to a couple
of dead fish fucking in slow
motion?
Turn the camera off people and
leave this to the professionals,
because trust me you DON'T look
as awesome as you think you do.
They might not thank you for rear
ending them like this. Sex in the
car is one of those teenage
pastimes that is really just about
the fact that you can't possibly be
doing this activity at home with
your parents around. As soon as
you leave home for college, this is
also an activity you should
promptly leave behind as well.
Parking the Plymouth in the
garage may work as a
euphemism, but actually having
sex in the Plymouth is really just
awkward and uncomfortable. I
don't care where you are in the
car: back seat, never enough
room; front seat, even less room;
in the cargo area of an SUV,
better, but amazingly hard and
not as level as you originally
thought. Anyway you cut it, cars
aren't designed for comfortable
sex.
Fortunately for you, they invented
this amazing thing called a bed
that works really well. That's
right, people, if you can drive
your car then you can drive to a
house with a bed, a hotel with a
bed (not the HOJO), just about
anywhere with a bed. If you're
looking for uncomfortable yet
mobile sex then by all means be
my guest, but don't come (likely
for the ladies during
uncomfortable sex) complaining
to me if you end up in traction for
weeks.

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5. While Driving
4. Eldorado Park
3. The Dragon Karaoke Room
The movie The Chase comes to
mind whenever I think of anyone
having sex AND driving. There go
Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson
barreling down the road being
chased by every cop in the world
it seems and they simply have no
other place to do it than right
there in the car going a hundred
miles an hour.
Why didn't you get off at that
exit? I've seen you people drive
and frankly you can't even do it
when NOT texting, so what on
earth gave you the idea you could
actually have SEX while driving?!
It's awkward, impossible to
control your vehicle, and just
shouldn't be even attempted for
the sake of every other driver out
there.
I wouldn't even suggest "road
head" because if it's particularly
good then you run the risk of
running off the road during the
climax. Besides, how would you
drive, get a blowjob, AND text all
at the same time? Because god
forbid you miss a text.
So while all of us have actually
heard our significant others
scream, "OH! OH! OH! OH! GET
OFF AT THE NEXT EXIT!" let's just
agree to not get so literal about it
while operating a moving vehicle.
Everyone has a "sex in the park"
fantasy. Ever try it? Not as
natural as you thought, right? Sex
in nature is good in primal urge
theory but in reality ends up
being very different than what
you thought. Sharp rocks in your
knees/ass, tree bark abrasions,
sticks in places there shouldn't be
sticks, and bugs—lots and lots of
bugs. Even something as simple
as a frolic in the grass can be
frightfully uncomfortable and offputting
since blades of grass have
this way of itching every hair
follicle on your body.
"UNLESS... you let me have a
go."A blanket can go a LONG way
in making your nature romp more
enjoyable but then that almost
kills the whole going natural,
spontaneous, outdoor sex
fantasy, doesn't it? Sex in the
Eldorado lake is going to be cold
(one word: shrinkage) and there
is that whole water killing the
lubrication issue again. Sex at the
kickball field is usually insect
ridden—ants, bees, mosquitoes,
you name it! In addition with it
being a dog friendly park, you’ll
likely be near dog shit in any
given spot you settle in.
And if you even consider the
parking lot, you need to re-read
number 6.
One would think that this would
actually be a great idea – private
room, sound proof, and a wide
selection of music to get you and
your partner in the mood.
Problem is, if you’re busy having
sex in there, how the hell can
anyone use the room to do some
actually karaoke? Don’t be the
asshole couple that takes up an
entire available private karaoke
room to NOT karaoke.
The Dragon is still one of the few
sacred places that has yet to be
tarnished by Branden. Well at
least not yet.
2. On a Plane
Ladies and gentlemen, please
remain heated. The Mile High
Club...otherwise known as I've
fucked in a honey bucket! Have
you ever been in an airplane
bathroom? It's a flying portapotty,
nothing more. There's
more room in a used coffin than
an airplane bathroom and the
smell in the used coffin is
probably better. Doing the deed
at 35,000 feet amounts to playing
a game of vertical twister (mostly
clothed, mind you, due to time
constraints), while both of you
are doing your best impressions

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of a contortionist ninja in a very
small box.
(whispering) "You put your left
foot on that wall, your right one
on the door without opening it. I'll
put one foot IN the toilet and the
other on the ground. You can rest
your ass in the sink, but don't
worry, no one EVER uses it to
wash their hands. Oh and if you
feel an explosive wet feeling, that
is more than likely the faucet
accidentally turning on and
spraying you, because there is no
way in hell either one of us will
actually enjoy this enough to
climax."
Hardly enjoyable to say the least!
Furthermore, just before you two
made this attempt, the 400-
pound guy in seat 27A WRECKED
the place with projectile diarrhea.
Now the two of you are quite
literally doing the nasty in there,
just so you can brag about it to
your friends? Jesus Christ,
people, I've held it on six-hour
flights just to avoid that shithole
(an accurate description if you
think about it).
The only way this isn't completely
disgusting and uncomfortable is if
you happen to be rich enough to
own your own private jet,
complete with sleeping quarters.
Then you can brag about being
part of the Mile High Club with
some amount of pride. Otherwise
you might as well be bragging
about jumping into a porta-potty
hole with your partner, because
that's all I hear when you talk
about it. If you just want to say
that you have done it, simply go
smoke a bowl and then get laid.
Then you can say you got laid
while being high as fuck and your
sky high sex story will still be
somewhat linguistically true. At
the very least, you won't be in
physical therapy or have hepatitis
for the rest of your life.
1. In the Arizona desert
To say that this sexual adventure
is going to be rough is the
understatement of the year.
From the cacti, snakes, insects,
rocks, and desert stand, this is
the worst idea ever. I don’t care
how horny you are and if you
haven’t had sex in years and the
hottest person wants you right
there and now – the answer is
just no when it comes to the
desert!
Have you ever noticed how a
cactus looks like a green hand
sticking out it’s middle finger at
you? That’s because it’s telling
you to fuck off and get the hell
outta here. Unless you have
some desire to be in excruciating
pain (hmm, hold that thought),
you might as well dial up 9-1-1
before you even start.
Yes people, I am a dream killer,
it's just what I do. Did I mention
that there are snakes
EVERYWHERE?! Yes poisonous
snakes that will be more than
happy to bite off the snake in
your pants.
It doesn’t even make sense for
me to even bother explaining this
any further. The sad part is that
I know of people who have this as
their fucked it bucket list.
We all know you’re in Scottsdale
this weekend to have a great
time. It’s also Valentines, there’s
a lot of drinking, plenty of people
are single or have convinced
themselves they have a hall pass
of some sort – whatever the case,
sex is just in the cards (for most
of you). But don’t let a
wonderful moment be ruined by
not having the discipline on
choosing the location of your
coitus activity smartly. You
already going to do a lot of stupid
shit this weekend, let’s not add
this to the list. As always,
you’re welcome.
-Kickball Kasanova

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ROAR INTO SUMMER
MAY 29-31, 2020

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WAKAPALOOZA Scottsdale:
Quick Directory Guide 2020
Breakfast Old Town
• Breakfast Club
• Daily Dose
• Morning Squeeze
• US egg
• Denny’s
• Inner Circle Cafe
• JOJO Coffee house
• Sip
Lunch/Dinner/Happy Hour Spots
Restaurants sit down and Fast Service
• Geisha A Go Go
• Farm & Craft
• Diego Pops
• The Montauk
• Loco Patron
• Cold Beer & Cheeseburgers
• Hulas
• Cien Agaves
• Karsen’s Grill
• Hulas

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• RA Sushi
• Salty Senorita
• Rehab Burger
• Buca Di Beppo
• The mission old town
• Los Olivos
• Thirsty Lion
• Shake Shack
• Olive Garden
• Brat Haus
• Cornish Pasty Co
• The Herb Box
• ChopShop
• Barrio Queen
• Olive & Ivy
• The Drunk Monk
• Frank & Lupes Mexican.
• Sauce Pizza
• Culinary Drop out
• PF Chang’s
• Postinos
• Sushi Roku
• AZ88
• Lolo Chicken & Waffles
• Oreganos
• Sizzle Korean bbq
• Grimaldi
• Old town tortilla factory
• Mastro’s

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• Bourbon & bones
• Roaring Fork
Bars
• Rusty Spur Saloon
• Old Town Tavern
• Su Vino Winery
• Porters Western Saloon
• Gold Water brewery
• Craft 64
• Evo
• Zips
• Blue Clover
• Coach House (open at 6am across from HOJO)
Fast Food nearby
• McDonald
• Taco Bell
• Dairy Queen
• Starbucks
• Capriotti’s
• Jimmy Johns
• Salad & Go
• Super Burrito
• Dutch Bro’s
• d’Lite

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• Chipotle
• Smash burger
• Boston Market
• Dunkin’ Donut
• Whataburger
• Panda Express
Late night eats - in entertainment district
• Joes Pizza
• Gus pizza ($20 whole pie)
• Mesquite tacos
• Goodwood (kitchen open till midnight)
Grocery Store & address
• Albertsons
o 2785 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85257
• Fry’s Food
o 7628 E Indian School Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• Costco
o 108 N 40th St Phoenix, AZ 85034
• Safeway
o 7920 E Chaparral Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85250
• Target
o 9000 E Talking Stick Way Scottsdale, AZ 85250
• Walmart
o 4915 N Pima Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251

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• Scottsdale Fashion Square (MALL)
o 7014 E Camelback Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• Tempe Marketplace (Mall)
o Target, Nordstrom Rack, BevMo, Total Wine, Old Navy, Ulta, JcPenny, and typical mall stores
o 2000 E Rio Salado Pkwy Tempe, AZ 85281
• Dollar Tree
o 7750 E McDowell Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85257
Hospital/Urgent Care
• HonorHealth Scottsdale Osborn medical center (hospital with ER)
o 7400 E Osborn Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• NextCare Urgent Care
o 2122 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85257
• FastMed Urgent Care
o 7730 E McDowell Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85257
Banks
• US Bank
o 4253 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• Wells Fargo
o 4167 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
o 6770 E Camelback Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• Chase Bank
o 4031 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
o 2902 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• Bank Of America

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o 3123 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• Arizona Federal Credit Union
o 3396 N Hayden Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
Gas station
• Pebble stone gas station
o 3399 N Scottsdale Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
• Shell
o 6930 E Thomas Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85251
o 8202 E McDowell Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85257
• Circle K
o 8001 E McDowell Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85257
• Chevron
o 8823 E Chaparral Rd Scottsdale, AZ 85250

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