Get Out! GAY Magazine – Issue 416 May 1, 2019

stories / GET OUT! MAGAZINE >> GETOUTMAG.COM
BY IAN-MICHAEL BERGERON
@ianmichaelinwonderland
Flamingoes and Jockstraps
The other day, while my
boyfriend and I got frisky while
watching Netflix, I started to
think about all of the weird things
I’ve listened to while having sex.
It makes sense that you’d listen
to music, and I do, often. My goto
used to be “The XX,” low and
slow and sensual, even enough
that it’s not jarring when the next
track starts. Recently (mostly
because of my boyfriend and not
me) I’ll put on Troye Sivan. If my
boyfriend gets home from work
and I put on “Bloom,” he knows.
A lot of times we don’t put on
any music at all, left to fuck to the
sounds of the house: screams of
victory from our Call of Dutyplaying
roommate, construction
workers cat-calling each other
just below our window or the
upstairs neighbor playing scales
(and only scales) on their piano
for hours. It’s the piano playing
that drives me the most insane,
hearing scales ascend and descend again
and again and again while I’m trying to
give a blowjob.
Once, when I was 19 or 20, I had sex
with my then-fiancé in his parents’ house.
Their room was just across the hallway,
so we had to be completely quiet (not to
mention he forgot the lube, so we had to
get creative). Sex in silence, when you also
have to be silent, isn’t exactly my idea of a
great time.
If I’m totally, 100% honest, most of the
time I have sex to the sounds of my TV.
I’ve fucked to “Bob’s Burgers” enough
times that I get a tingle at the mere
thought of a ma and pa burger joint (just
kidding) (mostly), and “American Dad”
should probably be paying me royalties at
this point.
It’s easy to have sex to TV shows like that;
they’re just simple background noise, not
to be given any attention. But the night in
question, when my boyfriend got frisky, we
were watching “Our Planet” on Netflix.
We’d just turned it on; James wanted to
see it since it came out, and after
seeing how beautiful the fish looked
in the trailer, I was intrigued. I guess
I thought it would be like a Discovery
Channel special, filled with pretty
images of pretty animals doing pretty
things, giraffes grazing and penguins
falling down and the like.
James was giving me a massage,
and had just gotten my pants down
(revealing a jockstrap underneath)
when the narrator started talking
about flamingos. I looked up to see
a baby flamingo, all alone, struggling
to walk with salt deposits solidified
around its feet and legs. Because of
the deposits, it couldn’t keep up with
the rest of the flock.
PHOTO: STEVE BRENNAN
I sat up, erection gone completely.
“Let’s watch this later,” I said,
switching back to “Bob’s Burgers.” I
was erect again in five minutes, only
faltering for a moment when I looked
over at our Kate Spade flamingo
pillows. I turned the pillows around
and took off my jockstrap.
WEARING: SAINT LAURENT BOOTS AND NATHAN AYON SWIMWEAR