COMIC ARITHMETIC
Arithmetic is the art or science of computing
bj numbers. It is national, political, military,
and commercial. It is of the highest importance
to the community ; because it pre-eminently
teaches us to take care of Number I. Our ministers
succeed according to their knowledge of the
science of numbers. Witness the skilful management
of majorities of the lower house.
He who understands the true art of Addition,
Subtraction, Multiplication^ and Division, as here
laid down, will not be considered a mere cipher in
tlie world; but will, in all probability, make a
considerable /^wre ; and in the figurative words of
Horace, be "Dives agris dives positis in foenore
nummis."
Let us, therefore, under the guidance and protection
of that god of honest men, the light-heeled
and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so to add
to our store by subtracting from the stores of
others, that we may add to our importance. Let
us so multiply our resources, by encouraging dimsion
among our contemporaries, that we may see
their reduction in the perfection of our own practice.
Arithmetic is the art or science of computing
bj numbers. It is national, political, military,
and commercial. It is of the highest importance
to the community ; because it pre-eminently
teaches us to take care of Number I. Our ministers
succeed according to their knowledge of the
science of numbers. Witness the skilful management
of majorities of the lower house.
He who understands the true art of Addition,
Subtraction, Multiplication^ and Division, as here
laid down, will not be considered a mere cipher in
tlie world; but will, in all probability, make a
considerable /^wre ; and in the figurative words of
Horace, be "Dives agris dives positis in foenore
nummis."
Let us, therefore, under the guidance and protection
of that god of honest men, the light-heeled
and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so to add
to our store by subtracting from the stores of
others, that we may add to our importance. Let
us so multiply our resources, by encouraging dimsion
among our contemporaries, that we may see
their reduction in the perfection of our own practice.
30 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. KuLE FOR Ladies with regard to their Rivals.—Should any lady be so unfortunate as to fear a rival in the affections of some simplehearted swain in the personal attractions of some youthful beauty whom he has never seen, it must be her method not to vilify her character or underrate her accomplishments,—no, this is but sorry skill. The more delicate and refined way of subtracting from her merits will be to employ unbounded panegyric, so as to raise the expectations of the feared admirer, that the real shall fall infinitely short of the ideal. This is another mode of performing subtraction by addition. Literary Subtraction.—This is of essential service to editors, reviewers, and others, who, having nothing good of their own with which to amuse the public, steal the brains of others. Rule,—Take from a work published at a guinea all its cream and quintessence, under pretence of praising it into immortality through the pages of your fourpenny review. " Castrant alios, ut libros suos per se graciles alieno adipe suffarciant.""
SUBTRACTION. 31 Mercantile Subtraction.—It is well understood in this country, that no honest man can get a living, in consequence of the extraordinary competition'among us. It is therefore considered legal and justifiable for the baker to "take toll" and make " dead men ;" for the licensed victualler to make " two butts out of one ;" for the wine-merchant to " doctor" his port ; for the butcher to " hang on Jemmy ;" for the printer to make " corrections ;" for the tailor to " cabbage ;" for the grocer to " sand his sugar and birch-broom his tea." The milkman " waters his milk" by act of parliament and to show that all this is in the order of Providence, the rains of heaven wet the coals. National or Political Subtraction.—There is one part of the New Testament which all Christian rulers have religiously observed, namely, " Now, Cajsar issued a decree that all the world should be taxed." The art of taxation is, therefore, not only a religious obligation, but is the science of sciences and the most important part of National Arithmetic. Taxation is necessary just as blood-letting is necessary in plethora. Over-feeding produces a
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30 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION.<br />
KuLE FOR Ladies with regard to their<br />
Rivals.—Should any lady be so unfortunate as<br />
to fear a rival in the affections of some simplehearted<br />
swain in the personal attractions of some<br />
youthful beauty whom he has never seen, it must be<br />
her method not to vilify her character or underrate<br />
her accomplishments,—no,<br />
this is but sorry skill.<br />
The more delicate and refined way of subtracting<br />
from her merits will be to employ unbounded<br />
panegyric, so as to raise the expectations of the<br />
feared admirer, that the real shall fall infinitely<br />
short of the ideal. This is another mode of performing<br />
subtraction by addition.<br />
Literary Subtraction.—This is<br />
of essential<br />
service to editors, reviewers, and others, who,<br />
having nothing good of their<br />
own with which to<br />
amuse the public, steal the brains of others.<br />
Rule,—Take from a work published at a<br />
guinea all its cream and quintessence, under<br />
pretence of praising it into immortality through<br />
the pages of your fourpenny review.<br />
" Castrant<br />
alios, ut libros suos per se graciles alieno adipe<br />
suffarciant.""
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