The Crocodile - Summer B 2017 - Sports Illustrated

CONTENTS
Summer B 2017
6
7
5
6
7
13
21
22
24
29
Editor’s Letter
Dad Gets Comedy Special After
One Laugh On Campus Tour
Visit Midtown
Visit Turlington
Dazzler Breaks Up With
Boyfriend Who Called Her A
Cheerleader
Student Expelled After Raccoon
Leaves Beer Can In Dorm
UF Alerts
Horoscopes
22
4
Summer B 2017
There are only like 10 footers in this whole issue.

EDITOR’S
LETTER
I saw a bunch of those Sports Illustrated magazines all over
stores this Summer so I thought to myself: “hey, why don’t we
just make fun of that? Seems cool.” I think it turned out pretty
good.
And pretty good is what we strive for here at the Crocodile.
CROCODILE
CONTRIBUTERS
Editor-in-Chief
Peyton Stahler
Amalie Batchelder
Designer
Brianna Winoski
Adam Turner
Peyton Stahler
Russian-English Translator
Artyom “This won’t hurt” Zychev
Photographer
idk
Peyton Stahler
If any of you are looking for that cursive looking font like
some cheesy dorm decoration, it’s called “bromello” by the
way.
Sincerely,
Poseidon
Owner/Founder/Janitor
Contributing Writers
Eric Heubusch
Nicolle Buchbinder
Reese Porter
Carley Carbary
Joshua Klafter
Collin West
Chance Pane
Livia Campos
Sean Burnette
Kyle Rambo
Mackenzie Patel
Special thanks to:
Larry’s Giant Subs (the meatball)
The guy who picked up my
headphones in the Reitz when I
dropped them (call me)
Ms. Britt!!!!!!
Questions?
admin@thecrocodile.org
Advertising?
peyton@thecrocodile.org
Find us
thecrocodile.org
@ufcrocodile
Ya know, because of all the pictures. Summer B 2017
5

DAD GETS COMEDY SPECIAL
AFTER GETTING ONE LAUGH
ON CAMPUS TOUR
Unfortunately his wife didn’t think it was that funny though.
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
Eight puns, two knock-knock
jokes, three FSU jabs,
two elbow nudges, and
one practical joke later it finally
happened. Someone on the campus
tour laughed at one of that kid’s
dads’ jokes.
“That was the hardest I’ve seen
someone try to get a laugh on
a campus tour since that improv
group alumni came.”
Said Cicerone Michael Polow,
who also gives tours of Santa Fe
College in his free time.
The man’s son was identified as
Jerry Anderson, a future Liberal
Arts major and sandwich artist.
Jerry’s dad was identified as ‘Garry’
by Jerry. The joke that received the
hard-earned laugh was reportedly
an extremely original pun revolving
around President Fuchs’ name and
a certain expletive.
It is rumored that Garry has been
taking his son Jerry on hundreds
of different college tours just so he
could practice his comedy routine,
despite the fact that Jerry actually
enrolled at the University of
Phoenix after Michael (who is also
a University of Phoenix Cicerone)
gave him a tour.
The image speaks for itself, really.
“I decided an online school was
the only place my dad couldn’t
embarrass me,”
Said Jerry, who was wrong.
Coincidentally, there happened
to be a Comedy Central executive
on the same campus tour as Garry.
The executive, Barry, immediately
signed Garry to an hour long standup
comedy special.
“Here at Comedy Central,
we’re really impressed whenever
someone can get another human
being to laugh,”
Said Barry, who had previously
had a job collecting screams via the
Monster’s Inc. method.
“Especially a millennial, which not
even our extremely qualified Board
of Humor Directors has been able
to figure out.
Garry’s comedy career is now
expected to follow other great
comedic dad minds. He has already
signed on for two Adam Sandler
movies and one guest appearance
on The Big Bang Theory.
The student who first laughed at
Garry’s joke later told our reporters
that he was glad to be able to make
someone’s dream come true, but
in actuality was laughing at the
thought of a Tweet he had seen 4
hours ago.
6
Summer B 2017
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DAZZLER BREAKS UP WITH
BOYFRIEND WHO CALLED
HER A CHEERLEADER
They are not the same thing. Apparently.
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
A three year relationship ended
in tears this week after a UF
student accidentally called his
Dazzler girlfriend a cheerleader.
Last Tuesday 21-year-old Jimmy
Wiggins was introducing his
girlfriend Bethany Smiler to an
acquaintance when he referred to
her as a cheerleader, instead of a
Dazzler. The relationship was ended
almost immediately, according to
some eyewitnesses.
Both the cheerleader and Dazzler
community are up in arms, leading
to an argument over who has the
most pep. Both sides of the protest
mostly just featured out of sync
cartwheels and a couple dozen
twirls. Eight people have died of
glitter poisoning so far.
“Two girls started arguing in Mid
over who was better at ‘getting the
crowd pumped up,’”
Said Shelly Shelbeson, a girl that
often talks about what happened in
Midtown.
“Thankfully then one of them
threw up her Tequila Sunrise on
the dance floor so everyone got
distracted.”
Wiggins said he is distraught
over the breakup, which came just
We’re gonna use this caption to say that we do in fact appreciate all forms of cheering.
days before the couples’ two week
anniversary, and feels that he was
dumped unfairly—he also said he
does not think he is responsible for
the fighting since the event.
“I guess it just slipped my mind,
they both do a lot of yelling and
smiling to be fair. “
Said Wiggins.
“At the end of the day all that
mattered to me was Britne—I mean
Bethany.”
Smiler, however, said that she
doesn’t think she’ll ever find it
in her heart to forgive Wiggins.
Despite their deep connection
and long history together, Smiler
said that this wasn’t the first time
Wiggins has been oblivious to her
personal life, and had once told his
parents she wanted to be a farmer
instead of a pharmacist.
The Dazzler said she initially
went as far as to protest for the
cheerleading program to be
discontinued until UF informed
Bethany that the cheerleading
program counts as three math
credits because of the human
geometric triangles they construct.
After which, Smiler made amends
with the cheerleaders and they
have now combined forces to
destroy the salsa-dancing club.
It’s empty out here over Summer, you know. Summer B 2017 21

STUDENT EXPELLED AFTER
RACCOON LEAVES BEER
CAN IN DORM
It was not the student’s beer, just the raccoon’s. We were asked to make that clear.
Saturn
Crocodile Staff Writer
After going home for
the weekend, one UF
student came back
to a nasty surprise and a hefty
punishment.
Skyler Procyon was visiting
his family in Jacksonville and
apparently left the window to
his dorm room open for the
entire weekend.
He opened his door on
Monday morning and was
shocked to find a raccoon
sitting at his desk with a can
of beer and a bag of Cool
Ranch Doritos. He immediately
called his RA due to raccoons
being vicious monsters that eat
garbage and are capable of
anything from facial scratches to
permanent death.
When the Keys Hall officials
got to the room to control
the situation the raccoon was
absent. Instead they spotted
an empty can of Bud Light on
Procyon’s desk and evicted him
on the spot.
“I tried to explain that the
raccoon brought that in here,
but for some reason they just
kept taking my temperature and
Above is an artist’s rendition of the incident. The artist is our Photoshop intern.
making me say the alphabet
backwards,”
Said Procyon, a freshman
studying Zoology.
“I really don’t drink. I swear!
I am not tempted by the devil’s
water!”
Procyon was banned from
all on-campus housing. The
raccoon was not spotted by
any other residents of the dorm
and there wasn’t a trace of
the animal anywhere near the
building. However, Procyon
swears when he was moving out
of his room he saw a flash of
red eyes watching him from a
dumpster.
“It’s not unusual that a
raccoon will do people things
to pretend that it’s part of a
higher-evolved race.”
Said Jaime Lotor, the only
person who believes Procyon
and doesn’t think raccoons are
gross.
“The raccoons in Gainesville
are smarter than the average
raccoon, and even some FSU
students.”
Lotor plans on letting Procyon
join a research team that studies
the habits of raccoons and their
dribking habits.
22
Summer B 2017
But it’s all about quality over quantity.

SUNDAY
FUNDAY
AUG 27
MUSIC FOOD SKATE CULTURE
BEST OF
GAINESVILLE
C O M P A N Y
TRUEVILLEGNV.COM

HOROSCOPES
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
CANCER
March 21 - April 19
Have you checked your
UF email in the past
three months? That’s
what I thought. There
could be important
stuff in there, you know.
April 20 - May 20 May 21 - June 20 June 21 - July 22
You’ll watch one YouTube
video about how the
Ancient Egyptians may
have seen aliens and
spend hours going down
a blackhole of conspiracy
theories. No, your TA
is not actually a lizard
person.
After burning through
every other social
media platform, out of
boredom you will resort
to actually looking on
LinkedIn. Congrats
to your 4th grade art
teacher on getting that
promotion!
Had a few drinks
tonight? This is a
great opportunity to
re-write your resume!
That’s right, definitely
insert clip art—your
future is looking
bright my friend.
LEO
VIRGO
LIBRA
SCORPIO
July 23 - August 22
Take life by the
horns. Unless they’re
still attached to the
cow. PETA is always
watching.
August 23 - September 22 September 23 - October 22 October 23 - November 21
Always remember that
getting a degree will
be the most fulfilling
experience of your life--
except for maybe making
bread, I heard Gordon
Ramsay say that one
time and he seems pretty
trustworthy.
Your mom will write a
Facebook post about
how proud of you she
is so you better pick a
better time to tell her
you got a C in Social
Media Management for
forgetting you were even
taking an online class.
Get a tattoo of
your sorority
letters, sisterhood
is forever! Unless
you’re a guy, that
would be creepy.
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
November 22 - December 21 December 22 - January 19 January 20 - February 18 February 19 - March 20
Go back to your
freshman dorm to
think about how far
you’ve come. But
don’t try to actually
go in your old
room, apparently
that’s “weird” and
“trespassing.”
Your roommate
will leave her wet
laundry in the
machine for three
days. But that’s not
exactly breaking
news, is it.
The Gator Growl
lead performer will
either be Snoop
Dogg, Missy Elliot
or J. Cole.
You’ll sell some poor
sucker your used
Antigone for $3 more
than you paid for it
on Amazon. Good
luck trying to find the
Good Life, nerd.
Mostly the Speedo part. Summer B 2017
29

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