The Crocodile - June 2017 - Preview

EDITOR’S
LETTER
Hello, strange mix of Summer A, B, and C students,
Welcome to summer in Gainesville! If this your first time: I’m
sorry! If this is your second, third, or fourth: You knew what you
were getting into—you really can’t complain.
In all honesty, there’s a lot of beauty Gainesville during the
summer. I mean, it may not be very apparent at first glance, but
I promise there is. For starters, sure the sun may SEEM like it
will melt your face off within the course of 2 minutes, but on the
bright side every trip outside is a mini-workout.
One of my personal favorite things about summer is how
abandoned everything is. If you’ve ever wondered what it
would be like if the apocalypse hit Gainesville first, just go on
campus on a Saturday afternoon in June.
Whether you live for summer in Gainesville, or you just
wanted to avoid going back to your parents and being subject
to a 10 p.m. curfew again, hopefully this issue brightens up
your day. At the very least feel free to roll it up and make a snocone
in it. What’s summer for if not sno-cones?
Sincerely,
CROCODILE
CONTRIBUTERS
Editor-in-Chief
Peyton Stahler
Designer
Brianna Winoski
Adam Turner
Peyton Stahler
Russian-English Translator
Artyom “This won’t hurt” Zychev
Photographer
Probably Chris Totzke
Contributing Writers
Eric Heubusch
Nicolle Buchbinder
Reese Porter
Carley Carbary
Joshua Klafter
Collin West
Chance Pane
Livia Campos
Sean Burnette
Kyle Rambo
Mackenzie Patel
Special thanks to:
Larry’s Giant Subs (the meatball)
The guy who picked up my
headphones in the Reitz when I
dropped them (call me)
Ms. Britt!!!!!!
Viewers like you
Poseidon
Owner/Founder/Janitor
Questions?
admin@thecrocodile.org
Advertising?
peyton@thecrocodile.org
Find us
thecrocodile.org
@ufcrocodile
A lot of cool stuff happens in June around here. June 2017
5

NEW STUDENT FINDS
GOLDEN TICKET IN
PREVIEW BAG
It will let him visit the Mail and Document Services building on Radio Road.
Saturn
Crocodile Staff Writer
staff@thecrocodile.org
An incoming freshman has
finished the strenuous
expedition that is Preview
only to have discovered something
extra in his preview bag full of things
he’ll never read or use.
Charles Luck, a planned
Biochemistry major, was fortunate
enough to receive a golden ticket
with his large booklets of redundant
information.
“I hope I get to go somewhere
cool!!!”
Said Luck, whose hope has not yet
been utterly destroyed by college
and life in general.
“It doesn’t say anything except
‘Golden Ticket’ so I’m not really sure
what I’m supposed to do with this.”
Luck said he had never won
anything before now and his
excitement could hardly be tamed
when he reached into the canvas
bag and found the ticket. He asked
his Preview staffer what it meant,
but the staffer stared at him blankly
because she had not been trained
on how to handle the situation.
The Golden Ticket is actually just
those words on a blank, white 5x8
index card, and lottery experts have
predicted that the ticket allows
the lucky students to take a trip to
the Mail and Document Services
building on campus to see how
This ticket will let the winner see a behind the scenes view of bulk mail processing!
incoming mail is processed.
“Oh. Can I sell this on the
Facebook page then? I don’t care
about mail.”
Said Ashley Smith, the second
student to be gifted with a
mysterious Golden Ticket, after
hearing the opinion of the experts.
“I guess I’ll just use it to take
notes on when I start taking classes
then.”
Luck said he isn’t sure what he’ll
do with his ticket, though he is
certain he won’t be redeeming it.
“I’m too nervous to ask anyone
what it’s for in case that commits me
to doing something, so I guess I’ll
just never know.”
Also found in this year’s Preview
bag was duct tape, a coupon for $1
off Gatorade, and a real alligator
egg.
6
June 2017
Butterflies are in the air.

SUMMER GATOR DINING
NAMED HOTTEST
SEASONAL RESTAURANT
The restaurant is one step closer to its dreams of a Michelin Star.
Anaxarete
Crocodile Staff Writer
In a shocking turn of events,
it was announced Monday
that Gator Dining had been
awarded ‘Best Summer Cuisine’
by a prestigious group.
According to the Committee
for Culinary excellence, seasonal
dining establishments are one
of the hottest trends of the
generation, with pop-up café’s
and food trucks at the height of
success. But among all of them,
Gator Dining during Preview
impressed the judges the most.
“We visited over 200 fine
dining establishments, many of
which had chefs who trained at
4-star academies or have years
of experience,”
Said head judge Ken Abruzzo.
“But for whatever reason, the
vegetable stir fry made by Joe
from Micanopy, FL, was the best
thing I’ve ever tasted.”
The award was a surprise to UF,
according to PR representative
Jenny Joewe. Loewe said they
hadn’t even known the judges
were coming to try the food, but
that they pride themselves on
making sure that during Summer
C everything from the salad bar
staff@thecrocodile.org
Signature dishes include cheese pizza, pepperoni pizza, and meat pizza.
to the espresso selection is top
notch.
“Although it was a pleasant
surprise to win this award, I’m
not entirely shocked that we
did,”
Loewe said.
“If we can convince a picky
mom that the food is worth
$5,000 for an unlimited meal
plan, I think we can do just about
anything.”
Abruzzo said that the judging
team approached UF Dining
Services to see if they would
want to be considered for
their general dining category
in fall, but were surprised to
be immediately turned down.
However, Head of Dining Jamie
Goored explained the reasoning
behind the decision.
“Our summer food may be
good, but we know when to quit
while we’re ahead. Not even I
eat there after Preview ends.”
10
June 2017
And big, scary beetles.

QUIZ
Are you an
Intern or a
Volunteer?
This article will help you determine whether your
‘internship’ is actually contributing to your benefit
in any way or if you’re just volunteering your
valuable free time! Either way, you can still put it on
your resume as something.
1.
2.
Are you getting paid?
a
No, but they
gave me a cool
free shirt.
b
Time is money
and experience
is time, so sort
of!
c
They let me eat
from the break
room trash can.
Do you do the work no one else wants to do,
including you?
If you answered
mostly A’s
You’re volunteering, good on you!
You probably had some spare time
and decided to commit it to a
commendable cause. You may not
be getting paid but the satisfaction
of helping people is pay enough.
a
b
Pressure washing the walls was actually pretty fun.
For now, but I was promised a promotion!
3.
4.
c
Does your boss ever thank you or give you
credit for the things you do?
a
b
c
Does a parole officer visit anyone in your
office regularly?
a
b
c
I’m just the most in shape, that’s why I have to carry everything over
20 lbs.
I got a plaque for bringing in brownies.
Sometimes if they’re in a good mood or the Patriots won.
I would describe their tone as “barking” but hey, I’ll take what I can
get.
Yeah and she tased a guy last time, it was awesome!
Is that like a special kind of cop or something?
If I don’t meet with them they’ll steal my microwave again.
If you answered
mostly B’s
You’re interning. You submitted
your resume, bought a blazer, and
after weeks of stress and suspense
you finally got the job. You may be
feeling a little overworked, but not
to worry—it’s all about networking
(right?).
If you answered
mostly C’s
You’re a literal slave! Slavery
was abolished in 1865, so get a
lawyer! You can always work 39
hours a week for some company
that pays you minimum wage
but uses a loophole to rob you
of benefits.
12
June 2017
But butterflies during the day though.

GIRL GOES TO CLUB
TO MAKE FRIENDS IN
BATHROOM
Our other headline was “Guy Visits Club Bathroom Just to Fight”
Anaxarete
Crocodile Staff Writer
A
student from the
University of Florida has
reportedly admitted
that she went to a club Wednesday
night just to make new friends in the
bathroom.
Ashley Ross, 19, said that she paid
$7 cover to get into Grog House
Wednesday night with the intention
of meeting girls, not guys, and she
knew that the club’s bathrooms were
the perfect place to do it. The club
was Plan C to meet new people after
getting her activity card didn’t work
out as well as she’d hoped.
“I was sitting in my room scrolling
through Facebook events,
Ashley Ross said, her arms
covered in sharpie X’s and
wristbands.
“But then I saw it was ladies night
in Midtown and I realized it was right
in front me the whole time: there is
no group more friendly than the girls
in club bathrooms.”
This technique is one often
overlooked, according to Jeremy
Graystone, a bartender at The
Swamp. Graystone said that far too
often he witnesses the connections
made between girls leaving the
bathrooms and is disheartened to
staff@thecrocodile.org
This photo was taken mere minutes before lifelong friends were made.
know neither of them will remember
the other in the morning.
“It’s a shame honestly, knowing
that most people don’t appreciate
the enthusiasm of these young
women,”
Graystone said.
“I once watched a girl in here give
a perfect stranger her jacket just
because she complimented it.”
Ross said she started her evening
at Grog House, and worked her way
through Swamp, Midtown Social
and eventually the bathroom at
Jimmy Johns. Throughout her night
Ross said she had 6 girls add her
on snapchat, one offer to do her
makeup for a formal and another
invite her on a cruise for spring
break.
“I haven’t met up with any of them
since then, but on the bright side
I’m somehow I’m in 13 more group
chats than I was two days ago and
I’m going to the Caribbean on some
girl’s parents’ dime.”
Especially in the Butterfly Jail Rainforest. June 2017 13

LIVE ROYALLY
CHOOSE FROM 1, 2 OR 3 BEDROOM FLOORPLANS
with all the amenities and extras you deserve
APARTMENT FEATURES
Fully Furnished
Cable Including HBO
High Speed Internet
Direct Utility Billing
In-home Washer and Dryer
Pet Friendly Apartments
Available
Pest Control
Refuse Collection
24-Hour Emergency
Maintenance
COMMUNITY
AMENITIES
Gated Community
24-Hour Fitness Center
Tennis Court
Beach Volleyball Court
Two Basketball Courts
Two Pools
Rock Climbing Wall
Computer Lab with
FREE printing
Sauna
Clubhouse
THE FLOORPLANS
WINDSOR 3BR / 3BA starts at $450
HARTFORD 2BR / 2BA starts at $534
MANCHESTER 1 BR / 1 BA starts at $805
Billiards
2777 SW Archer Rd. Gainesville, FL 32608
352.377.2777 ■ oxfordmanor.org
Bring this ad in for a
WAIVED
APPLICATION FEE *
*
With approved 12 month lease
Prices and specials subject to change.

REPORT: COUPLE STILL
DOING LUNGES ON BEN
HILL GRIFFIN STADIUM
“They’ve been doing it for 12 days so they must be fit” - Random onlooker
Epimethius
Crocodile Staff Writer
A
“fitness couple” has
reportedly been lunging
up and down the steps at
Ben Hill Griffin Stadium unceasingly
for the past twelve days.
Witnesses have reported that
they are lunging up and down the
benches at an “alarming speed” and
show no sign of fatigue.
“It honestly doesn’t look like
they’re ever going to stop, they
don’t even seem like they’re
sweating,”
Rob Murphy, a fitness enthusiast
and stadium-lunging professional
said.
“I mean, I like to lift, but I wouldn’t
lift twelve days non-stop.”
Murphy has also forced us to
add that he is a frequent visitor to
Southwest Rec, and could totally lift
twelve days in a row ‘if he wanted
to.’
The couple has apparently had
nothing to eat or drink during this
Sisyphian trek except for kale chips
and Gatorade.
“I don’t get how they can go for
so long,”
Said Timothy Green, a student
that was working out but didn’t have
a six pack.
staff@thecrocodile.org
This photo was taken by a bystander on day 7 of their workout.
“I can’t even get up there twice
without having to take a 20-minute
nap on a bleacher afterward,”
UF scientists have also begun
to test on the two subjects in an
attempt to discover the source of
their energy so that that they can
bottle and sell it in a brand new
Gatorade line.
“This is truly a marvel of human
dedication,”
Dr. Guy W. Nicolette, MD,
CAQSM, Director of the Student
Health Care Center, UF, commented.
“But this is also very unhealthy
and they’re probably going to die.”
Despite hearing, but not
acknowledging the doctor, the
couple shows no signs of stopping
any time soon. Crocodile reporters
are puzzled, as the main goal of
working out, being seen working
out, has already been accomplished
so there is not much more for them
to gain.
18
June 2017
It would be extra cool if they put an ad in here.

Here’s a doozy: the term “Rainesville”
actually started when people noticed it
rained often in “Gainesville.” They just
replaced the beginning of the word!
Hahahahahaha, you gotta love the
ingenuity of some people!
As a college student, there are probably a lot of
things you don’t know. Here are some of them.
The water in Gainesville
comes from a special
aquifer known as
“Aquafina.” You might have
seen it in bottles already!
Fact
no.
467
Fact
no.
865
Fact
no.
347
Fact
no.
55
Deep in the heart of Payne’s Prairie there is a
one-of-a-kind white buffalo that can grant any
bison-related wish you want. Early settlers of
Gainesville wanted to hunt it and harvest its
power, but now Gainesville Wildlife Committee
monitors “White Bessie” 24/7 so that no one
can use its magical abilities for evil.
Hit rock band “Nickelback” got their start at UF, playing
venues like Orange & Brew and the High Dive. They had a
falling out when the University wanted to take a cut of their
merch sales, so they left Gainesville and moved to Alberta,
Canada, far away from the long-reaching arm of public
educational institutions.
Just saying.
June 2017
19

WOW! THIS STUDY
ABROAD STUDENT BECAME
BILINGUAL IN 10 DAYS!
“If you love a language, you basically know it. That’s why they’re called love languages.”
Anaxarete
Crocodile Staff Writer
One student
participating in a study
abroad program has
shocked and awed her peers this
week by managing to become
completely fluent in another
language in under two weeks.
Mandy Abett, 20, went on her
study abroad trip to Italy only
knowing the names of a few
pastas, but has returned with the
vocabulary and accent of a true
native, according to her peers.
While many questioned how she
could possibly learn an entire,
complex language so fast, Abett
claims it was easy for her.
“A lot of people said I should
have learned at least the basics
of the language before I left,
but I knew I would prove them
wrong,”
Abett said, who now uses
her new skill to impress Tinder
dates.
“But once I got there, it was
easy—I just listened to what
people said and repeated it.”
Most of Abett’s fellow
study abroad peers said they
questioned her fluency at first,
but accepted it as fact after
staff@thecrocodile.org
This Instagram photo was captioned “Bet you didn’t ColiSEE this coming!”
she was able to adequately ask
for directions to a well known
landmark. One student, Shaun
Maresh, however, is suspicious of
his classmate’s command of the
foreign language.
“I can’t say for sure, because I
don’t know Italian myself,”
Maresh said, who actually
brought a vocabulary book with
him.
“But I think she might she be
adding O’s and -Icci’s to the end
of every word.”
No one has since confirmed
Maresh’s theory, but a few of
said that they will be interested
to see what will happen on her
family trip at the end of summer
when she goes to Tokyo.
21
June 2017
Preview students and families everywhere.

HOROSCOPES
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
CANCER
March 21 - April 19
You’ll sit in an RTS seat
only to find out it’s already
damp. Don’t worry, it’s not
sweat, it about half a cup
of Campbell’s “Soup on
the Go! Creamy Tomato
Parmesan Bisque.”
April 20 - May 20 May 21 - June 20 June 21 - July 22
It’s not the end of
the world! I heard
that Summer A
classes don’t even
count towards
your GPA.
Your friend will post a pic
from study abroad that
get way more likes than
it should. Everyone who
sees the Eiffel Tower takes
the same picture, Sarah.
I can’t tell you exactly
what those maintenance
guys are doing outside
your building, but it’s loud
and probably involves lots
of hammers.
LEO
VIRGO
LIBRA
SCORPIO
July 23 - August 22
A Preview dad will ask
you for directions. You’ll
stammer through some
incoherent sentence and
run away because you
don’t know where the
stats building actually is.
August 23 - September 22 September 23 - October 22 October 23 - November 21
Remember that nerd
from Spring? Yeah, he’s
gonna be your TA for
Summer B. Shouldn’t
have kept spitting on
him from the top row.
You will get free
shipping on
turlingtoncoatfactory.
com with code
“ITSGREAT”
You’ll forget the Hub is
closed at least twice a
week and get a hankering
for bagels, and that new
place across the street
just won’t hit the spot.
How could they do this
to us?
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
November 22 - December 21 December 22 - January 19 January 20 - February 18 February 19 - March 20
It’ll seem like a good
idea to scoot to the new
Publix, but 6 full bags and
3 cases of soda later you’ll
be wondering just how
good your balancing skills
are.
You’ll start to look at the
Reitz pond with a little
more curiosity every day.
Just how dangerous could
that one gator be? He
could probably make a
great dorm pet!
The rain will start precisely
as you begin your walk
home from class—
fortunately you’ll already
be so sweaty from walking
outside that you’ll take off
your shoes and go with
the flow.
You’ll ask about your
lost phone charger at
the Reitz and they’ll
give you one that
you’re pretty sure isn’t
yours. At least you
got a full battery tho.
...and reading footers in a mysterious college magazine. June 2017
29

ADVERTISE IN
Reach hundreds of millions* of UF students by placing an ad in the Crocodile!
We have broken it down into three simple steps for you:
Realize that the Really Independent Florida Crocodile
has overcome all other forms of pseudo-journalism
Email sales@thecrocodile.org
We will consult you on the best type of ad to run,
design it, and then lovingly place it among our
completely true stories.
“Wow, this is the best advertising I’ve ever gotten ever!!”
- Some customer, probably
“CPM!!!!”
- Customer and also my advertising professor
“Advertising in the Crocodile made me an all around happier person.”
- Anonymous
“Another cool testimonial.”
- Anonymous
“Another cool testimonial.”
- Anonymous

The new lifestyle
YOU
DESERVE!
NEW HOMES +
NEW GYM
SLEEK, MODERN FURNITURE
CABLE WITH HBO & HD
CHANNELS
BUSINESS CENTER + PRINTING
+ STUDY ROOM
PET FRIENDLY
SIGN A
NEW LEASE
BY MAY 30 TH
ENTER TO WIN A
SCOOTER FROM
NEW SCOOTERS
4 LESS
lux13apartments.com
352.374.3866
1015 NW 21st Avenue