Dispelling the Myth and Fear of Polygyny

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Sisters Speak……
Dispelling the Fear and
Myth of Polygyny
Anchored by
Tawakalt Tahir
(Loveaholic)
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 1

ABSTRACT
All praises all adorations, all gratitude, are
due to Allah (swt), We seek refuge from
the evil of ourselves, the evil
consequences of our deeds. Whomever
Allah guides cannot be led astray and
whomever He does not guide, none can
guide him. I bear witness that none has
the right to be worshipped but Allah who
has no partner, likewise I testify that
Muhammed is the messenger of Allah.
May the peace and blessings of Allah be
upon him, his household, his companions
and all those who follow him until the day
of Reckoning Amin.
You are welcome to this forum, may Allah
make it an ujjah for us and not against us
on the day of Accountability.
Polygyny has been a topic that usually
attracts so much negativities among
women, but negativity has not done
anyone any good. Hence, the need to
have this conversation among ourselves
to change the narratives of polygyny.
Dear sisters, we are not just here to talk
and go.....WE WANT SISTERS TOWALK
THE TALK. WE WANT TO CHANGE THE
NARRATIVES OF POLYGYNY.
May Allah write our names among those
who made positive change in the practice
of the sunnah. May this be an ujjah for us
on the day we will be questioned on how
we met Islam and how did we live it.
As we are taking notes.... let's see what
and what positive things that we can pick
to make a change in change in our home
as an only wife, as a single sister
considering polygyny, as a cowife, as a
friend /relative to a cowife, as parents to
a cowife, as a sister, aunt or a mother to a
polygynous man.
More Muslims homes are fallen apart
because of Polygyny, Sisters are giving up
on good marriages because of Polygyny,
loved ones are becoming enemies because
of Polygyny.
Allah has not allowed polygyny to cause
disunity among us…let us sit back and
reflect.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 2

By Allah, sisters that will be sharing with
us are human being like us, flesh and
blood, with emotions, with jealousies,
they also love their husbands, they are
also imperfect, with their own
struggles…But have also decide to pacify
their hearts and submit. Because they
believe in the words of Allah that He will
never burden them with what they can’t
bear and they put their full trust in Him.
Sure, we know brothers have a lot of
shortcomings of their own that had
contributed to the negativities. But the
fact remains that brothers are marrying
sisters… it the incoming sisters and
existing sisters are well informed about
what the correct Islamic polygyny is… it
will go a long way.
Written by
Coach Tawakalt Tahir
(Loveaholic)
Join the Positive Polygyny Network on
Telegram;
Contact: +2348034512095
+2348067315867
+2347031852591
+2347035226356
Email:
loveforthesakeofallah76@gmail.com
Some of the things that may hold us back
from reflecting is Ego and Pride. But let us
remember that these are attribute that
made shaytan become the accursed.
May Allah guide our hearts, forgive our
imperfections, make OBEDIENCE to His
words easy for us Aameen.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 3

“POLYGYNY” NOT AN END TO A HAPPY
MARRIAGE……. A FIRST WIFE’S
EXPERIENCE BY DR. AMEENAH JIBRIL
have decided that Polygyny will only lead
me to Jannah, IN SHA ALLAH.
Now to the koko of the matter.
The topic of the day goes thus:
Audhubillahi minash-shaytan ir-rajim.
Bismillahi ir-Rahman ir-Raheem.
Rabbi shrahli sadri, wa yassirli amri,
wahlul uqdatan mil-lissani, yafqahu
qawli.
Assalam alaykum wa Rahmatullahi Wa
Barakatuhu
Alhamdulillah for the gift of life, for
making us Muslims constantly striving in
the path of goodness, Hoping for His
Pleasure.
Am sure we all have favourite verses of
the Quran. One of mine is Q 89:27-30.
“{to the righteous it will be said} O
reassured soul, return to your Lord, well
pleased and pleasing {to Him}. And enter
upon my {righteous} servants. And enter
my Paradise.” Every time I read or hear it,
I get goose bumps imagining my Lord
speaking to me directly. And I truly want
Us all to be told these same words on that
Day. Which is why my personal mission
statement is “Striving for Jannah” and I
Polygyny……. Not an end to a happy
marriage……A first wife’s experience.
It goes without saying that I am a first
wife.
It also goes without saying that I have a
co-wife (just one for now).
Question: Did I have a happy marriage
before polygyny? The answer would be a
BIG YES. Every marriage has its ups and
downs, so don’t say shebi I saw you crying
the other day.
What then is a happy marriage, you ask?
It is a marriage in which you feel secure
and contented with the blessings of your
Lord therein. Your marriage does not
need overt wealth or children to be
happy. It needs both of you to be ready to
make the sacrifices that everyday living
together of two strangers would entail.
No one is perfect, so seek not perfection
in your spouse.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 4

Should polygyny be a death knell on a
happy Marriage? A resounding and
affirmative NO.
How is that possible? you are asking with
tears in your eyes. In answering that, we
would look at the following headings:
• THE CORRECT MINDSET TO HAVE A
STRESS-FREE POLYGYNY
• HANDLING THE EMOTIONS: THE DOs
AND DONTs
• HOW TO MAINTAIN A GOOD
RELATIONSHIP WITH HUBBY AFTER
HE TURNED POLYGYNOUS.
polygamy, not to burden us, but as a test
for us. He has said HE will definitely test
us, and to Give glad tidings to those who
are patient.
Once these words are firmly entrenched
in our mindset, and we believe that Allah
is The All Knowing, The Wise, then once
our other half declares his intention to
avail himself of his God given right/duty,
then it behooves on us to be positive
about this next phase of our relationship
with our spouses. It most definitely
should not be the end of a happy
marriage.
Give yourself words of affirmation thus:
• This is a test I will pass, In Sha Allah
THE CORRECT MINDSET TO HAVE A
STRESS-FREE POLYGYNY
So how should we be when polygyny
looms in our horizon? The simple answer
would be POSITIVE.
SO, WHAT DOES POSITIVITY MEAN? It
means to firmly believe in the words of
Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) when He said
in Q2:286 that “la yukallifu Allahu nafsan
illa wus’aha” i.e. Allah does not
charge/task a soul except {with that
within} its capacity. Allah (SWT) ordained
• I deserve to be happy, so nothing will
take my happiness away
• I have been a good wife, and so shall I
remain.
• I shall love my incoming sister for Allah’s
sake.
• I will continue to strive for Jannah, come
what may.
The norm is to feel like a ton of bricks has
been dropped on your chest. Yes,
everyone feels it. And depending on your
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 5

coping mechanisms, you will cry your eyes
red. Okay, still normal and definitely
allowed. But know that after the storm
always comes calm. So, don’t remain in
the storm. Seek the calm. Actively pursue
it. Clutch it to yourself and say, “I will
survive this”. It may take a few days,
maybe weeks, at times months. But the
sooner you come out of the rut and see
that your life is not coming to an end but
taking a bypass to Jannah, the better you
will feel.
also positive ones; joy, increasing love,
contentment, patience, caring, fulfillment
and many more.
Whichever it is one feels at any point in
time, the important thing is for it not to
be mismanaged.
I will just mention some of the Dos and
Don’ts of emotional management in
polygyny which I have found immensely
useful.
Dos
• Accept your husband’s decision: You
HANDLING THE EMOTIONS: THE DOs
AND DONTs
Polygyny comes with a myriad of
emotions: anger, hurt, rage. jealousy,
envy, suspicion, distrust, depression,
apathy, elation, euphoria, unhappiness,
misery, ambivalence, feeling
unappreciated, ingratitude, dazed,
surprise, loss of faith in life and love. I
could go on and not exhaust the list. Am
sure you noticed elation and euphoria
there and you are wondering what those
are doing there, right? Well, from a first
wife perspective, believe me, it is not
always all negative emotions. There are
may feel the time is wrong, but if Allah
permits it to happen, it is happening at
the right time.
• Believe that your husband has the
capability to love you and another. Love is
not finite. There is usually more than
enough to go around.
• Keep on loving your husband: Someone
once asked if it is not better to love them
less, so it does not hurt so much. I say
love them more for having the courage to
go into polygyny. It is not easy for any of
the parties involved.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 6

• Have empathy toward the incoming
wife(ves). Imagine she is your blood
sister/daughter and want for her what
you would have wanted for yours.
• Extend the hand of friendship. It may be
all she needs to unleash her own
goodness unto you. • Accept her offer of
friendship. Do not question her motives.
Instead, cleanse your heart of suspicion
and doubt.
• Have an upbeat attitude to everything
happening. Ignore the naysayers. Seek out
people with genuine good advice.
Don’ts
• Don’t give up: Whatever number of
years you have spent together prior to the
repeat nikah can never be erased. Don’t
be the one to wield the eraser for that by
fading into the background.
• Do not compare: Who he loves more is
irrelevant. How you both manage
yourselves in the sight of Allah is what
matters.
• Withhold your affection: That will only
push him in the opposite direction.
• Do not fight/insult/debase/harass your
co wife: Be the one to rise above petty
issues. In every relationship, someone has
to be the matured one. Be that one.
• Do not open your marriage for
discussion by every Tom, Dick and Harry:
Not everyone truly wants good for you
and a lot of advice that will not benefit
you will come
• Do not fight your husband on the issue:
Your acceptance and understanding will
only increase the love and respect he has
for you. Your Queen status will be
maintained just by that simple act.
• Don’t assume you are deficient. That
will only depress you more.
HOW TO MAINTAIN A GOOD
RELATIONSHIP WITH HUBBY AFTER HE
TURNED POLYGYNOUS
The secret to maintaining a good
relationship with hubby after he marries
other wife(ves) starts right from the
outset of your marriage to him. Make sure
you choose wisely. Make him your best
friend. Think about it, you quarrel with
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 7

your best friends, but you always make
up. So, should it be with your spouse.
• You should be able to cry in his
presence.
• He should be privy to your
innermost hurts and hidden
details. As much as possible, no
secrets
• He should be the first person you
think of when good/bad happens
to you.
• Try not to think bad thoughts
about him, do not insult him in
your head, talk less of to his face.
• Be the submissive wife, but not a
doormat.
This mindset makes you perpetually ready
to assist him to succeed. And if he wishes
to experience polygamy, then be ready to
experience it together. Do not become a
stumbling block in his path. Don’t turn
into a screaming harpy whom he eagerly
awaits dawn to rise so he can be as far
away from you as possible.
On the contrary, you move your
relationship to the next level. And that is a
place where you both respect and love
each other but he now has a little more
space to himself, and so do you. They say
if you have something good, let it go. If it
comes back to you, then it is truly yours.
Respect him. Treat him well. Love him.
And when the time comes, let him go. He
will definitely come back to you,
bi‘iznillah.
Be interested in the success of his
subsequent marriage, but do not be too
inquisitive or feel you need to know every
tinsy winsy detail of their lives. Try to
build a rapport with your co wife(ves),
because most men truly want to have a
peaceful polygynous journey, so be the
pivot that launches that peace in the
home.
He is not your property so there is nothing
like “how can I be sharing him?” or “how
can he take that my thing to another
woman and want to bring it to me
again?”. Nothing like that. Sexual relations
between a man and his wives is legal, so
focus on making your intimacy with him
worth it for both of you during your time.
And worry less about what happens when
he is away from you.
And remember, there is no dua left
unanswered. So, at those moments when
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 8

you feel you have gotten to the limit,
stop and pray and seek the face of your
Lord, for He is the Source of Peace.
Back to the title: For me, the journey has
been almost 3 years and counting. And my
marriage is happier now than it was at the
beginning of polygyny. The road is not all
smooth, nor is it all rough. There have
been ups and there have been downs. But
the scale tips towards fulfillment and
contentment because Allah has made it
easy for me to accept the path He has set
out for me to thread. May Allah grant us
all the strength, the patience, the ability
to persevere, the ability to tolerate and
make excuses. And may He make the
journey a Path to Jannat Firdaus (Yep,
always aim for the best)
I seek Allah’s forgiveness for whatever
wrong I may have uttered (or typed). All
goodness is from Allah and all mistakes
are from myself.
I pray these few words of mine will inspire
someone to break the chain of
assumption that polygyny is a harbinger
of doom to any marriage. We need to
believe in the goodness therein, and Allah
will make us experience it.
Subhanaka Allahuma wa bihamdika.
Nashhadu an La illaha Illa anta wa
nastagfiruka wa natubu ilayk. Subhana
Rabbika rabbil Izzati amma yasifun. Wa
salaamun alla al-mursaleen.
Walhamdulillahi Rabbil Aalamin.
Assalam alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa
Barakatuhu.
“FACING OUR FEARS” WHY SISTERS NEED
TO TALK ABOUT POLYGYNY BY SIS.
KUDIRAT LAWAL ADESINA
Bismillah
Praise be to Allah, we seek His help and
His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allah
from the evil of our own souls and from
our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allah guides
will never be led astray, and whomsoever
Allah leaves astray, no one can guide. I
bear witness that there is no god but
Allah, the One, having no partner. And I
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 9

ear witness that Muhammad is His slave
and Messenger.
Grandmas, mummies and sisters in faith,
As-Salam alaykum warahmatullah
wabarakatuh.
By the will of Allah, our topic for this
session is: “FACING OUR FEARS! WHY
SISTERS NEED TO TALK ABOUT
POLYGYNY”
When Coach Tawakalt approached me to
give a presentation on this topic despite
my lack of practical experience on
polygynous relationship, I thought to
myself, how do one dive in unknown
water?
Anyway, I took up the challenge and here
we are. Let’s go;
FAC: Islam gives a man permission to
marry two, three or four women, on the
condition that he deals justly with them
Right, today we will be considering the
following in sha Allah –
• Our fears about the practice of
polygyny
• The need to talk about these fears
• Who do we to talk to?
You will agree with me that when it
comes to polygyny majority of our fears
are things out of our direct control.
Dear sisters, polygyny is naturally
challenging for us women. It is somewhat
inherently difficult and there seem to be a
natural reluctance to embrace this
concept. So, do not feel guilty for the
emotional struggles you may be battling.
I must be quick to add, that these
emotional struggles are not peculiar to
first wives. The second, third and fourth
wives also have their fears and emotional
struggles - concern about fitting into an
existing structure, possibility of adopting
the role of a step-mum from the onset,
being tagged home-wreckers or golddiggers
amongst others. Subhanallah!
Like these emotional struggles aren't
enough - Ya Allah!!! Why can't people
always act right?
It is inevitable that you’ll encounter
untoward behavior from your husband
and/or co-wife/wives.
You know what though - it helps to
remember that you aren’t perfect either.
Remember that whatever you might feel
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 10

about them, someone else might feel the
same about you. We’re all human, after
all. We all have our shortcomings.
Most importantly, " person, anges.”
Yet, it will be detrimental to dismiss our
fears and emotions. Therefore, the most
prudent option is to face our fears and
develop strategies to manage our
emotions.
• ” My husband is not financially
buoyant yet, he can’t possibly be
thinking of polygyny”
• ” Now, that Allah has blessed us
with rizq, after many years of
hustle, this man now consider
himself qualified for polygyny”
• I am younger and prettier; our
husband loves me more than her
RANDOM THOUGHTS - WHO CAN
RELATE?
• “Well, my husband is not the
polygamous type”
• “Glad I am No.2, doubt he will ever
take on more wives”
• ” Men! why exactly do they have
need to be with more than one
woman?”
• ” We’ve only been married few
years, he can’t possibly be thinking
of taking another wife so soon”
• ” We’ve been together so long, he
will hardly ever consider another
marriage”
Anyone here telling themselves any of
these? I urge you to say this prayer: "Oh
Allah, grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can; and the wisdom
to know the difference”.
Most of us are familiar with this remark I
understand polygyny is permissible and
all, but it is how men go about it that I
have problem with.
So, how do one approach an event that
will impact one’s life, yet its
implementation is not 100% within one’s
control?
Permit me to borrow 2
from the 7 habits
discussed by Stephen Covey in his book titled:
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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
1. BE PROACTIVE: There are many areas of
concern in our lives and in these areas of
concern, we may have direct control,
indirect control or no control. Now, being
proactive means assessing situations,
developing a positive response towards
it and finding solutions rather than wait
in a reactive mode.
With polygyny, I want to assume that
women have some degree of indirect
control. Hence, being proactive in this
instance may include:
• Equipping ourselves with knowledge of
Islam regarding our rights and
boundaries in polygyny. Knowledge is
empowering for a Muslimah
• Learn from other polygyny marriages
both the healthy ones and the not so
healthy ones.
• Speak to the right people about your
fears and emotions eg. Able Coach Sis.
Tawakalt Tahir.
Truth is, every marriage has its
peculiar dynamics, so; perhaps the
most important discussion is the
one we have with the man at the
centre of it all.
• Engage your husband in discussion
around polygyny rather than secretly
hoping he will not take more wives.
Discussion with our husbands are not
one to be laced with threats or
ludicrous demands. Rather, we should
be able to communicate our fears and
expectations constructively. We
(existing and incoming wives) must be
able to clarify or communicate our
needs / expectations with respect to
the following areas:
✓ FINANCE: Existing joint business?
need to clarify blurred details or
let the status quo remain. Will
there be need for chairman to
double his hustle etc.
✓ LIVING ARRANGEMENT: Same
address but different apartment to
co-wives; different address.
✓ CHILDREN: Educate them, when &
how to tell them, dump them in it
and see their wrath. They have
emotions too.
State your negotiables and nonnegotiables
with respect to all
these and other things that may
be important to you.
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I am not suggesting we dominate
our marriages with talks around
polygyny rather I am saying that
discussion around polygyny is
worth having even in
monogamous marriages because:
• by communicating our fears, we
unburden our heart.
• by having these discussions, we pave
the path for informed decisions and
mutual agreements.
• by laying our expectations bare, we
may escape unpleasant surprises.
• by getting involved and been proactive,
we take charge of our emotions rather
than have our emotions rule us.
2. THINK WIN/WIN
Win-win is a frame of mind that
constantly seeks mutual benefit in all
human interactions.
It means agreeing on solutions that are
mutually beneficial and satisfying. Whilst,
been proactive may be a logical approach
to polygyny, we must be reasonable
enough to weigh the durability of our
demands.
Whilst it is not particularly your
responsibility to make demands on behalf
of your co-wife. It is however insensitive
for your demands to come with
conditions that tramples upon the rights
of your co-wife (wives) or even that of
your husband.
Be win/win compliant when you set your
“terms and conditions” it reduce the
burden of fear. You aren't plotting against
anyone, why stress?
In summary
Peculiarities / dynamics in our individual
marriages will largely determine how we
approach issues but whatever approach
we choose, we must never close the line
of communication in our marriages.
Identify the things that could mess with
your emotions in polygyny and work out
strategies preferably with your husband
on how to manage them.
E.g. Sharing same address with cowife/wives.
As one of our sisters in the polygyny
support group often say "Co-wives are
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 13

not aliens" – they are someone’s
daughter, sister, cousin and most
importantly your sisters in faith; –be
pleasant and fair in your dealings with
them.
Your well-being and sanity are too
precious to be traded for unhealthy rivalry
with potential or existing co-wives.
Never allow misconceptions about
polygyny push you into abominable acts
that could earn you the wrath of Allah. Be
Jannah focused in your relationship. Love
your husband enough to not wish him
failure in his other marriages.
POLYGAMY: A REALITY CHECK FOR THE
INCOMING WIFE BY SISTER QUDRAH BINT
ZA'AFARAN ADELASE
Indeed, all praises and adoration belong to
Allah. Blessings and salutations upon the
most noble among mankind Muhammad ibn
Abdullah (Sallallahu alayhi wasalaam), his
households, his companions; may Allah grant
them all and grant us and all subsequent
generations of the Ummah every forms of
goodness. Ameen
Dearest Sisters in Islam, As-Salaam alaykum
waRahmatullahi waBarakatuhu
It is indeed a great honour to be a Muslim.
May Allah keep us steadfast upon His Deen
till the Day of Judgement. (Ameen)
The topic today is Polygamy: A Reality Check
for Incoming Wives How Do You Prepare the
Mindset for Polygamy?
Preparation of mindset for Polygamy cut
across gender and position. What do I mean
by this?
a. The Husband
b. The Existing wife
c. The Incoming wife
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d. The Children
e. The Relations of the three above
All the aforementioned are stakeholders and
must prepare their mind in a positive way for
Polygamy to thrive
How should a woman prepare for an
unknown journey that is an Institution and
has a Constitution?
How?
• The Institution is Marriage University
of Life technology The
Minhaj/Constitution is the Qur'an
• Duration is Life time except Allah
decides otherwise
• Prerequisites: Sanity, Islam, Physical
maturity, Sexual appetite, Financial
skills and capacity
• Cut-Off Point: 50
• Lecturers: But Who are your teachers?
Who should be your teachers?
Recall my Grand-Aunt telling us during my
first nikkah night "Baba Tailor (her pet name
for me) be mindful of unpaid teachers with
unsolicited advises"
For every eligible Muslim, it is important to
create time to ask yourself;
• What do I want in a marriage?
• What likely qualities do I desire in my
would-be partner?
• Which of these qualities can I
compromise on?
• Which of these qualities are NO bending
areas for me?
• As a single sister or a single again, sit
yourself down before proposals start
coming your way.
• Write down 10things/qualities that you
would like in your would-be partner
• Rearrange it from most important to
least important
• Let the Qur'an and Sunnah be your guide
in the qualities and the rearrangement
• Start praying for Allah's assistance and a
mind to accept and be contented with
Allah's choice.
• If a suitor has 7 or 8 of your listed items
and your heart is at ease after istikharah
and due diligence, then baibe, go for it
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Again, to our question: How do you prepare?
1. It is Allah's injunction. If it is harmful,
Allah will not put it forward for humanity.
Let your mind be clear about this
2. Educate yourself in a positive way, aiming
solely to move closer to Allah and better
understanding of the Deen
3. Let everyone of us put ourselves in the
shoe of the Aged single, divorcee and
widows
9. Let everyone of us put ourselves in the
shoe of the Aged single, divorcee and
widows
10. Have it at the front of your mind that
Nothing is yours and nothing will ever be.
11. Every single thing is a trust, a privilege and
will be accounted for - status, spouse,
children etc
4. Have it at the front of your mind that
Nothing is yours and nothing will ever be.
5. Every single thing is a trust, a privilege and
will be accounted for - status, spouse,
children etc
6. Life is a stage, life is short, status changes
12. Life is a stage, life is short, status changes
13. Love your love, love liLlahi waRosul, love
Jannah above Duniyah, love the Lord of
love Allah not the objects that He gift you
14. Accept and be contented with Allah that
Allah may marry you on another of His gift
(a sister) or marry His gift (Sister) on you
7. It is Allah's injunction. If it is harmful,
Allah will not put it forward for humanity.
Let your mind be clear about this
8. Educate yourself in a positive way, aiming
solely to move closer to Allah and better
understanding of the Deen
15. Prayer and patience: Pray for guidance,
patience and ease, pray for justice and
risq. Practice self restraint, give and take
with siblings, husband, children and
neighbours.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 16

Make self restraint your second nature
16. Finally put your trust in Allah if it is meant
for you, nobody can will it away from you
and if it is not your call nobody can force
it on you
What to Include in your Baggage as a
Muslimah?
• Aqeedatus-Salim Sound faith in Allah
• An insatiable love for knowledge,
acquire as much as possible from
authentic sources using Qur'an as the
baseline
• Amala solihan consistent concealed
and open good deeds
• Contentment
• Patience
• Humility
• Tolerance
• Perseverance
• Objectivity and open mindedness
• Self respect
• Protection of others halal interest
• Smile and Silence
Not all Peaches and Creams, Not all Pains
and Miseries
We have seen our mothers who understand
very little of Islam but who had successful
polygamy
And we have seen Muslimahs "epitome of
Islam so to speak" who made their families
and people around them abhor
polygamy, what will your story be? What will
history present about you when you are
gone? Every institution has its fall outs.
• First, we are sisters in humanity then we
are sisters in faith before we became cowives
• Some husbands are doing it wrongly,
perching sisters against each other
• Some co-wives are getting it wrong
manipulating the husband to injustice and
unfairness
• Some sisters will rather be enemies and
will advocate the same for anyone that
care to listen
• Some are willing to be friends but are
been rebuffed
• Some polygamy has been pains all
through
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 17

• Some polygamy has been gains with
normal human factors
• Some are neither here nor there
• Can these be better??
• Who should take the lead??
• Take a step back
• Ask yourself why are we inflicting so much
pain on each other?
• Is it because of the Dirham or the Dick or
the Dickson???
• Which of these three were you born
with??
• Which of these three will follow you to
the grave??
• Be the first to extend the hand of
fellowship
• Protect the knot of kinship from your end
• Which of these three will assist you with
your accountability???
Step back
Breath,
Exhale the pain
Embrace the gain
• Protect your Jannah account
• Patience is never ever too much
• Love moderately and avoid clinging
desperately, only Allah is worth clinging
to.
• Don't make your sister cry out of the
emotional, physical or psychological
abuse that you are meting out to her. Be
the cause of her smile.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 18

• Wives gang up against husband, wife
gang up with children to disrespect
husband and co-wife. Even husband
gang up with a wife against another
wife. Don't be a party to negative
caucuses in your marital homes.
• Keep children away from your
wrangling. The misdeed you taught
them will haunt you in later years.
• Don't ruin their kinship before it even
commences.
• Let your conscience be clear that you
have tried
• You have the privilege to choose who
your kith (friends) are, however Allah
chose your Kin for you. Your co-wife is
your Kin by virtue of marriage but may
not necessarily be your kith. Let not
the knot of kinship loose from your
own end.
• When dispute ensue and it definitely
will,
• Walk WIN - WIN
• Talk and walk empathy not only for
yourself but for your co-wife and
hubby
What Polygamy is not?
• It is not a replacement theory in
practice
• It is not rivalry
• It is not a competition
• It is not the breaking of existing
marriage or family ties
• It is not a call for war
• It is not slavery
• It is not status symbol
• It is not a love triangle
• It is not the loss of love, trust or space
in his heart
• It is not coercion (o le si le, Iyawo sara -
"because nobody wants to marry her",
" she is a gift")
• It is not a favour because marriage for
every marriageable sister is a right
• It is not a signal of
defectiveness/deficiency
• Don't be insecure
• Don't be intimidated or intimidating
• Don't be arrogant
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 19

• Chose Sanity
• Be yourself, don't be uptight
• Remember some chose polygamy
• Polygamy has chosen some
• Some were "forced" into polygamy
The moment you are in it, relate with
compassion "Ma la yarham la yurham -
whoever does not show mercy, will not be
shown mercy
Reality of our time is that some of us will
live the Polygamy life. For the single again
sisters, reality and researches has shown
that most single male including single
again male are disinclined and discouraged
to marry the single again sisters (widows
and divorced sisters)
Having said this much, I now come back to
our definition of Polygamy albeit Polygyny
Polygamy is a humble call by Allah to obey
His injunction of sharing the time, love and
other resources of a male slave of Allah by
His female servants in order to sanitise the
society of self-inflicted social ills. I stand to
be contested and corrected
How to Change the Narrative of Polygamy
as an Incoming Wife
• Make sure you are introduced prior to
nikkah day. Calm your fear, she won't
eat you up; request that it should be
handled by mature minded conscious
Muslims that way possibility of fracas is
minimised
What then do we as a society prefer?
• Prostitution
• Artificial Celibacy
• Sodomy
• (Allah's wise option) Polygamy??
• for our single again sisters, what do we
want??
• Since you have little choice of who your
Kin is and you do not want to cut the
knot/tie of kinship, if you aim at
friendship and it is not working out then
aim at neighbourliness if that too does
not work out then
• Choose your battlefield - Jannah
(Paradise) or Jahanam (Hellfire). This
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 20

will give you clear vision of what your
battles should be.
• Battles that will lead to hell fire, you
down tool and turn back but battle that
will lead to Paradise, you kit up and
participate
Battles that leads to sanity and serenity in
the marriage, you join arms while battle
that leads to insanity, senility you
• ran away from. As often as possible
sheath your sword and dialogue
• Minimise the incidence of Ego trip:
i. Age
ii. Beauty
iii. Job status
iv. Family status
v. Social status
vi. Articulation
vii. Wealth
viii. Fertility etc
None of the above are by your cheer
hardwork.
They are privileges and trust and should
not be flaunted!!
• Be patience.
• Talk well of you co-wife even if she is
nasty. Protect her image and her
marriage from your own end
• Seek clarification don't make
assumptions
• Don't raise your expectations.
• Don't use experience of others to build
your home
• Be accommodating but don't encourage
abuse
• Avoid negative teachers, naysayers,
disgruntled mentors.
• Peach your tent with Allah, His Rosul,
the Companions
• Make sure your end of the marriage is
solid but, in the process, do not
undermine the marriage of your co-wife
• In protecting your right, do not usurp
her right.
• Be at peace with and protect the
interest of
- Yourself
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 21

- Husband
- Co-wife
- Children
- Relations
From my end, polygamy will work in-sha-
Allah
What about you?
Inna adhi tadhkirah faman shaa a tahadha
ila Robbihi sebila
May Allah forgive you and I for wrong
presentation and interpretation ameen
Subhanna Robbika Robbil izati amma
yasifun wasalamun alal-mursalim
walhamdulillahi Rabbil Al-Ameen
To all single by nature (widows and
divorcees) on board, I say hold on tightly
to Allah, you will smile again soon and it
will be from your heart in-sha-Allah
https://movingon.com.ng
www.facebook.com/MyWLife
https://t.me/movingon
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 22

َ
ُ
ّ
ِ
THE TRUTH ABOUT CONSCIOUS INCOMING
WIVES BY SISTER QUDRAH BINT ZA'AFARAN
ADELASE
A talk delivered on Dispelling the Fear and
Myths of Polygyny......... And Realities
Telegram platform on 12th July, 2018
ال مْ‏ دَ‏ ‏ْحَ‏
نَح ْ م َ د ُ هُ‏
و َ نَسْ‏ تَعِ‏ ينُهُ‏
ونستغفره ونعوذ باهلل من
إِن لِلِ‏
ر شور أنفسنا ومن سيئات أعمالنا م ْ يَه دِ‏ ‏ِه الِل فَ‏ ل مُ‏ ضِ‏ ل
َ ‏َهُ‏ ‏َنْ‏ ‏َهَ‏
‏َهُ‏
‏َش أ إِل إِل الِل و
ل و
ي ‏ُضْ‏ لِ‏ لْ‏ فَ‏ ل َ ه ادِ‏ يَ‏
ل َ و مَ‏ نْ‏
‏َهُ‏
‏َن مُ‏ ح عَ‏ ب ُ ‏ْد هُ‏ َ و َ ر سُ‏ ولُهُ‏
ل َ وأ
شرَ‏
َ ْ ح َ د هُ‏
ُ ّ
ُ ّ
َ ً مدا
َ
ل
َ نْ‏
َ أ ْ َ هد
َ
‏ِيك
As-Salaam alaykum waRahmatullahi
waBarakatuhu
We seek Allah's guidance in all our
endeavors
َ
ل
Pls mark the word Willingly
And mark the word Married
And mark the word Due diligence
Willingly implies that she knows to some
minimal extent what she is getting into
Married implies she knows he is a package
with a baggage. She is willing to live with
that baggage to the best of her human
capacity Allah being on her side
Due Diligence implies you have made
findings at least a little bit about the private
him not the minbar or public figure him.
Our topic this today
The Truth about Conscious Incoming Wives
Who is the Incoming Wife?
Of course, this should be after a proper
istikharah
The lady who has willingly accepted the
proposal of a married gentleman with the
consent of her wali.
Hopefully herself and her Wali or anyone
she so appointed (deem fit) would have
done due diligence on characters of the
gentleman
Istikharah and prayer should be a part of her
life the moment she feels she is ready for
marriage life, well ahead of any proposal.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 23

Then when proposal comes she repeats her
istikharah with ikhlas
It will be nice and setting the ground for
positive relationship if she is introduced
formerly to the Existing wife(s) and children
prior to nikkah
Sometimes, out of fear of unknown
What will her (existing wife or children)
reaction be?
• Or pretext that she is my good friend
• We tend to run from the Introduction.
• Pls be introduced
• She won't eat you up
• Let it be handled by matured islamically
conscious and experienced adults
It will take the grace of Allah and maturity on
the part of the man or both of them not to
compare her with the existing wife.
Special Appeal
For Single Again Sisters
There is no basis for comparing your ex/late
with your new husband
• Why?
• You married your ex as a young adult
• Full of energy,
• Both of you were naive/inexperience
• Lots of expectations
• You had ample opportunity to
experiment
Her Realities
1. The existing wife(s) and/or children may
not accept her
2. She needs to build her marriage with x-
factors
Now you are experienced, your exuberance
has mellowed and your age or health may
not be as before. Same goes for your new
husband. Aside all these, the two men are
different - upbringing, maturity, exposure,
source of livelihood, sense of responsibilities
etc.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 24

There is also no reason for him to compare
you with the wife at home. You are two
separate individuals
with different skill sets, aspirations etc
Hence be nice to yourself
Her Realities
3. No period of exclusivity
4. She will have to build trust with her
husband, co-wife and relations on 3sides
5. Anxiety might set in if living in different
States or countries. Fear of safe trip, time
allocation etc
6. May have to live in the shadow of the cowife,
if husband does not do it right
7. May foot her own bill if she allows herself
to be a victim of innocence/"pentagon"
8. She may have to redefine friendship and
affiliates yet family may choose to stand
as foes
9. Some are victimize/maltreated by existing
wife
Her Struggles and Pains
• Building a viable marital relationship with
her husband
• A desire for a cordial relationship with
co-wife and children.
• She yearns for acceptance from co-wife,
children, relations even friends
• It tears at her heart if rebuffed by
existing wife or disrespected by
children or any other family member
It tears her heart if her children lead
to her being viewed as an
incompetent mother
• It tears her heart if she is expected to be
the one to mellow even in the face of
oppression all in the name of "respect
your senior", as a result sane incoming
wife add truckloads of patience to her
luggage
• She is afraid that any negative reaction
might undermine the marriage of her cowife
or hers hence patience is her
second name
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 25

• But then patience has its reward
Is it this?
A typical pain for a Single Again
Is it that??
Is withdrawal of proposal even before she
respond Yes or No
My sister, be kind to yourself. He was not
destined to marry you
• OMG!!! Does that hurt!???
Another pain
• It hurts like ...........
• It is interpreted as Rejection
You call a single sister (because she looks like
a prospect) and ask her to stay clear of your
husband or start forming attitude because
she is a friend of the family or Mr. Chairman.
She questioned herself, will I be rude to a
Of course, scholars opined that she should
not expect any explanation for the
withdrawal. But human mind
man that has not trespass any limit??
My sister, chill!!
will play a thousand and one tricks on her
Is it her?
Is it the wife at home
If you chase them apart for a thousand years
if they are meant to marry each other they
will meet at the right junction and marry.
Sisi, be calm. She is just been human and
"protecting" her territory that should not
cause enmity or fracas. If he is your
destination, you will get there
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 26

The Need for the Existing Wife and the
Society to Understand Her
Can first wife really understand??
Is the society not confused??
You complain that sex is painful and try to
avoid it as much as is possible, what are
your alternatives??
What are his alternatives??
• Incoming Wife seeks
• Legitimacy,
Again I ask
✓ Can first wife really understand??
✓ Is the society not confused??
✓ Talking from the stand of
Widow/Divorced
✓ You hug her and advise her to
remarry but everyone's husband is
"busy", can she marry herself??
From the point of a working woman,
We want the men to stay away from
promiscuity but it is offer to him free of
charge (FOC), provocative dresses, You and I
know that "lower your gaze" can be........
What should he do??
• Listening ears,
• Leaning shoulder,
• Companionship,
• A crown for her head and
• Respect from men and mankind in
general etc. Note men don't respect
marriageable ladies who are single;
this include our so call brothers too!!
• Importantly, she wants obedience to
Allah.
• Some foot their own bills
• Some pull the husband out of murky
waters
• Some help him to be more patient and
accommodating
• Some encourage him to mend his ways
From a woman to a woman,
and be closer to his Lord
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 27

Home Breakers!!!, NO
The question is "was your marriage solid
before her arrival onto the picture?"
If Yes. I confidently put it to you that she
cannot rival what you have achieve either
negative or positive.
• You introduced him to marriage
• You introduced him to his first legal
intimacy
• You introduced him to responsibility
• You introduced him to fatherhood
(optional).
enough of tears that just won't stop, enough of
thinking alone, talking to herself), give her
children the opportunity to a male voice and/or
a father.
Don't be scared of her, she is just a woman like
you seeking a safe legitimate hand to hold
And if she proves to be troublesome
1. Find out what are the issues. She may have
been battered and don't know how to be better
2. If the ground is smooth and you are not her
grouse, help her out or look for someone to
3. Give her time to adjust to her new life
This is not a competition. She is just starting out
with him, she will have to carve her niche. Don't
feel insecure and don't make her task difficult
4. If all positive efforts fail, Let us all join hand to
put her on track with love.
We are sisters, we are always at the receiving
If No, Please work on your marriage
end, we can't afford to wunjure each other
Gold Diggers, ArRazaq will enrich man at His own
time. Anything acquire falsely won't last.
The Lord of recompense will reward her if her
intent are all negative, just hand her over to Him
Let's hold hands, bear the scratching and propel
each other to build a peaceful home here on
earth and hopefully in Jannah
Give her a chance to live a sane lively life
Adapted
(enough of cuddling pillows on cold nights,
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 28

َّ
ن ن َ
َ
Your resolution must not falter, No argument
must lead you astray...........the prosperity of
one is the prosperity of other"
George Orwell (Animal Farm)
brother? But you abhor it; and be careful of
(your duty to) Allah, surely Allah is Oft-returning
(to mercy), Merciful.
(English – Shakir) via iQuran
Surah Al-Hujraat, Verse 9:
‏ْن ُ ‏َه مَ‏ ا إِ‏ فَ‏ ن بَغَ‏ تْ‏
‏َي
‏ُوا ف ْ ‏َص لِ‏ ُ حوا ب
‏َل
‏َت
ْ نَ‏ نِي اق
‏َانِ‏ مِ‏ ن ‏ْمُ‏ ؤ مِ‏
َ وإِن ط
‏َف ءَ‏ إِ‏ ‏َل ْ رِ‏ ِ اَّلل إِ‏ فَ‏ ن
ي ِ ي تَبْغ حَ‏ تَى ٰ ت ِ ي
إِ‏ حْ‏ د ُ مَ‏ ا ع اْل رَ‏ ْ ‏ُخْ‏ ٰ ى فَ‏ قَ‏ اتِلُوا ِ الَّتَ‏
‏ُحِ‏ بُّ‏
ي
‏ْن ُ ‏َه مَ‏ ا بِال َ ‏ْع ْ د لِ‏ و ْ ‏َق سِ‏ ُ طوا إِ‏ نى
‏َي
‏َص ُ وا ب
َ ف اءَ‏ تْ‏ فَ‏ أ
ي
نَ‏
‏ْمُ‏ قْ‏ سِ‏ طِ‏
ال
ٰ أَم
َ َّ
اَّلل
َ أ
َ أ
َ ال ْ ت
َ ‏َل
ْ لِح
َ َ ائِفت
َ اه
Mr. Chairman, the Mutual friend wants peace
even the most stubborn and egocentric among
them want peace
Our children need smiling parents, serene home,
it is doable, let's give them one
And if two parties of the believers quarrel, make
peace between them; but if one of them acts
wrongfully towards the other, fight that which
acts wrongfully until it returns to Allah's
command; then if it returns, make peace
between them with justice and act equitably;
surely Allah loves those who act equitably.
(English - Shakir) via iQuran
Incoming wife want peace of mind, she does not
want to keep walking on eggshell. If you can't be
great friends, please be a tolerant neighbor or
coworker
#AccountabilityIsReal
#CowifeAreKin
Surah Al-Hujraat, Verse 12:
َ
ِّ إِ‏ ى ن ب ْ ‏َع ضَ‏ َّ الظ ِّ ن إِ‏ ث ٌ ‏ْم َ وَل
‏ُلَ‏ لَحْ‏ مَ‏
‏ْك
‏َأ
‏َن ي
َ ُ د ُ ك ْ م أ أَح
يَا أ َ َ آمن ْ ت ِّ َ ن َّ الظن
ت ‏َجَ‏ سى
‏َّذِ‏ ين
‏َي َ ‏ُّها ال
َ
سُ‏ وا َ وَل
‏ًا ف
‏َنِبُوا َ ك ثِيً‏ ا م
‏ُوا اج
ي ‏َغْ‏ تَب ى ب عْ‏ ضُ‏ كُ‏ م بَعْ‏ ضً‏ ا أَيُحِ‏ بُّ‏
َّ َ ى ن َّ َ اَّلل ت ى ‏َو ٌ اب ى ر حِ‏ يمٌ‏
أَخِ‏ يهِ‏ م َ يْت َ َ ك ْ رِهت ‏ُمُ‏ ُ وه َ و ى ات ُ قوا اَّلل إِ‏
O you who believe! avoid most of suspicion, for
surely suspicion in some cases is a sin, and do
not spy nor let some of you backbite others.
Does one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead
Wa qulli qolla adha astagfrillahi walakum
All error therein are mine. May Allah perfect our
understanding ameen
We welcome contributions and clarifications
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 29

A typical pain for a Single Again
Is withdrawal of proposal even before she
respond Yes or No
OMG!!! Does that hurt!???
It hurts like ...........
It is interpreted as Rejection
She questioned herself, will I be rude to a man
that has not trespass any limit??
My sister, chill!!
If you chase them apart for a thousand years if
they are meant to marry each other they will
meet at the right junction and marry
Ofcourse scholars opined that she should not
expect any explanation for the withdrawal. But
human mind will play a thousand and one tricks
on her
Is it her?
Is it the wife at home
Is it this?
Is it that??
Sisi, be calm. She is just been human and
"protecting" her territory that should not cause
enmity or fracas. If he is your destination, you
will get there
The first wife need to build her self esteem
Generally, we all need to be humble. As I said on
Monday, every status in life is a privilege
My sister, be kind to yourself. He was not
destined to marry you
Another pain
You call a single sister (because she looks like a
prospect) and ask her to stay clear of your
husband or start forming attitude because she is
a friend of the family or Mr. Chairman
As for the incoming wife, she should be calm and
humble.
If she is vocal, she will have to tame herself so
that if they live together or pass some time
together she will have deaf ears to what is not
her business or has not been invited to mediate
in
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 30

If she is working and the other is mompreneur or
full housewife, don't flaunt the fact that you can
afford what you need and be doing "giragira"
If she has better understanding of the Deen she
should be humble
Totally = Humility
You know` the funny thing; I dey do like person
wey no dey talk ni. Na only me and my
husband/my personal person be gisting paddy.
So if you meet me for real, and I am all quite pls
don't be surprised ooo
May Allah help us to build a better ummah that
we and even the companions would be proud off
Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Al-Ameen
It's a pleasure
May Allah guide the ummah of Muhammad
(SAW) to portray the beauty of Isalm via best
practices rather theories on the minbar ameen
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 31

SINGLE AGAIN, GOING INTO POLYGYNY
BY BARR. ABIMBOLA ABDULRAHAMAN
LEKKI
Salam Alaykum Sisters,
Alhamdulahi Robbil Alamin. I would like to
thank coach for this opportunity and I look
forward to sharing and learning from all.
Our topic is the Single Again, going into
polygyny, apologies to coach, I adapted the
topic and prepared for singles as I noticed
quite a number of them joined the link.
There are 2 choices an individual will make
in life, whose consequences will
reverberate forever; who you marry or
what job you engage in? Some who ask
why? I sure we all know one or two people
whose marital choices continue to haunt
them, particularly in a society like ours,
where staying married is seen like an
achievement. As for the jobs you take, and
what you do with it and the opportunities
that come, is tied to your livelihood.
Many women find themselves single again
due to death, divorce, incapacitation,
neglect, refusal to act or abandonment by
a spouse. Due to the patrilineal nature of
our society, these women face social
stigma, lack of support, lack of resources,
often raising children with less finance
(some are wealthy)
Because society disparages them, blames
them for the failure of their marriage and
are often referred to as second rate,
second hand, over the hill, after four etc.
Because of emotional or sexual pressure
(Bodi no be wood) many of them will begin
new relationships, in the hopes that it
would lead to marriage over grateful and
disadvantaged
Such relationship of undue influence
where one party has an obvious advantage
over the other never bodes well thus our
single and single again sisters, need to ask
the pertinent question where do I stand?
The most important attribute of a single/
single again is self- love, self- worth.
Thinking highly of yourself, even when
others do not, or circumstances dictate
otherwise.
Polygyny itself is a challenge, how do you
navigate? Our standard remains
Muhammad Rasullahi, in his words, action
and Deen. He married both single and
single again and managed to give every
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 32

woman her due. Going into polygyny, trust
in Allah’s decree; discuss everything,
meeting existing wife/wives,
accommodation, maintenance, medicals.
Am going to digress? People ask? 'Am
single again, surely I can marry a single
man or widower? Why chose polygyny
with its obvious baggage? If that's what
you want, then strive for it. The inherent
challenges are his family won't want you,
your children will have to adapt to his
family dynamics, third party side talks his
inexperience (single man) versus your
experience (previously married) etc.
But then you need to trust in Allah and
listen to your intuition. That sixth sense
that tells you when something is wrong
and it turns out to be so.
For majority of the single again that would
end up polygynous, you need a wali (not
your parents) preferably a male with eyes
everywhere, that can seek what you are
not seeing and ask the hard hitting
questions.
Where your previous relationship ended
badly, probably abusive and you ended up
hurt, please use NLP tools and emotional
intelligence to deal with this or speak to a
professional counselor, you need to rid
yourself of the negatives and allow the
positive s to take root. For our singles, we
want a spouse with a long list of this and
that? How many of those things do we
possess? Also, we need to be careful of the
perils of social media An intending spouse
goes through your profile and sees lewd
pictures or bad language, might be a joke,
but they leave a lasting impression. I will
stop here. I pray Allah forgives me of my
shortcomings. I pray the talk has been
beneficial.
I recommend the following books 'why
Muslim marriages fail? By Dr. Suzy Ismail, '
Before you say I do? By T. D. Jakes and ' His
needs and Her Needs' cannot recall the
author but all books are online. Thank you
for listening. I will take questions if any
ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS
1. Istikhara, ask around and let him know
you are asking. Chances are if he is not
serious, he won't want you to know his
past. Married ones get a trusted male to
do the digging.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 33

2. It can be very emotional when it feels
like you are getting to know someone and
later discover that they are not totally
ready to go all the way? Yes, it can, but
better to find out early than when you are
in deep.
3. My copies are hard copies. However,
Google can help with bookshops that stock
in Lagos and Abuja.
4. In addition to those beautiful points by
barrister..... Single Again sister should also
read on blended family (having children
from previous marriage.... How to blend
with new family).... So as to familiarize
themselves with challenges that
accompany that too, you can Google...
Blended family in Islam, you may find
related articles. You can also read
conventional articles on blended family but
ensure you sieve out any concept that is
not Islamic.
you' you are mad'. You become enraged
and truly become mad. Suppose you ask
yourself quietly' am I mad? And you know
you are not, count 1-5 and blow him a kiss
or wave at him. Observe the look on his
face, confusion and bewilderment. You
kept your emotions in check and that's the
goal.
6. On not being ready to start a new
relationship. May Allah ease your fears.
How wonderful to know that you know
you are not ready yet. People
automatically assume you are ready. Take
all the time you need. Allah’s timing is
perfect.
5. On becoming emotionally intelligent.
Paid class by coach Tahir coming up.in the
meantime, read up. It's managing to
control your emotions, so they do not
control you. When driving in Lagos, the
driver next to you winds down and says to
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 34

USING OUR PAINS... TO WORSHIP
ALLAH BY MRS ZULFAH ABOLANLE
ABDURAHAMAN LEKKI
I seek refuge with Allah, the All- Hearing,
the All- knowing from Shaytan, the
accursed.
In the name of Allah, Most Beneficent, the
Most Merciful.
All praise is due to Allah the Lord of the
worlds.
The successful eventuality will be for the
pious and there will not be hostility (on the
day of Judgement) except for the
wrongdoers.
May His peace and blessings be upon the
noblest of all the messengers,
Muhammad(saw), his household and
companions in totality.
I've been honoured by my amiable coach
to share with you all ...this topic...Using
our Pains... To worship Allah.
May Allah help us to understand, meditate,
internalize, reflect and most importantly
live by it.
I will say... this very topic summarises all
the previous topics we have dealt with
because whatever we would have heard,
learnt and gained in this platform is for
gaining Allah's pleasure, in the realm of the
Qur'an and Sunnah.
I want to ask us....
Do we believe our home is not this
ephemeral world?
And that we are here to attain our real
home.... Jannah? ....
If it'so as we yearn for it,
then it worths all efforts to focus and work
towards attaining it.
I greet all my sisters with the best of
greeting by saying ...
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 35

Assalaam alaikum warahmatullahi
wabarakaatuhu.
grief, distress, misery, hurt, unhappiness
etc.
Glory be to Allah(swt) who has, in infinite
mercy, grace, blessings and kindness,
guided us to the path of Al-Islam, without
which we would not have known Him as
our Lord, identify ourselves or even
appreciate the very purpose of our
existence. (Qur'an 51:56).,
(Qur'an 51:57-58).
Since our final abode is Jannah.. and in
other to attain it ...Allah has tie down all
our activities to our accountability on the
day of accountability.
May we all be among the successful ones.
Do we understand that 'unfavourable
trials' can lead one to pains? Therefore, if
one experiences favourable trials ... these
can lead to the opposite.... right?
What are pains:
• Are unfavourable or unpleasant
feelings or emotions
• Are negative emotions/vibes
• Are unsuitable feelings that one
dislikes to experience.
Our life purpose is to worship Allah and
this extends beyond observing salat, sawn,
zakat, sadakah, which are direct
relationship with our Creator
What is the meaning of Pain?
Dictionary meanings/ synonymous
Pain is unpleasant sensation, sufferings,
affliction, torture discomfort, sorrow,
Our life purpose also extends to how we
relate to other creatures... our dealings
with our fellow human beings either they
are close to us like family, friends,
neighbors, colleagues or they are not.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 36

Even to how we deal with animals.
And with the little knowledge I have about
Islam.... No one has ever been guaranteed
that one particular act of worship will gain
him/her Al-Jannah.
And in other to attain His Garden.... then it
comes with conditions of trials and price of
pains and sufferings.
Conditions and situations that lead to
pains.
And that brings me to quote Allah's word...
Which says...
"Or do you think that you shall enter the
Garden without such (trials) as came to
those who passed away before you?
They encountered sufferings and
adversity, and were so shaken in spirit,
that even the messenger and those of
faith who were with him cried. ' when will
the help of Allah come?
❗️Allah's Decree: Allah says in Qur'an 85:16
"I do whatever I like at any time".
It has been in Allah's will and plan to put us
in any situation either such situation is
favourable or unfavourable to us.
❗️ Allah tests us with our health, wealth,
spouse, children and any worldly
possession.
Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always)
near".
Qur'an 2:214.
He tests our faith with those we place so
much reverence, love, faith, value and
trust in.
So, if our life purpose is to worship Allah...
Then Allah has promised us His beautiful
and blissful Garden (which our real home)
We may have done this through the
following
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 37

⚡️Ill-faith of marriage foundation
⚡️Total reliance on your husband or
anybody
⚡️ Your personal sacrifice for the
maintenance of the home either
emotionally, economically for the children
and him.
⚡️Too much attachment to your husband,
children and wealth.
Allah can test us in regard to our marriage
in the following ways.
• Death of Husband or children.
• Barrenness
⚡️Having high expectations from your
husband
⚡️ 'Unconsciously' idolize your love for
your husband or other things in particular.
• Poverty
• Sickness
• Divorce
• Polygyny.......etc.
⚡️Having the mind-set that your husband
solely belong to you, that you 'own' him
and therefore can't trade him for anything
come what may.
When you are tested this
way.......acceptance is key, your struggling
and fighting the decree of Allah... This
brings you more pains.
⚡️Total dependency on your husband...
'after all he loves me now

Some of these aforementioned cause us
pains during trial period like transition
from monogamy to polygyny, from single
again to re-marry etc
a thing which is good for you, and that
you love a thing which is bad for you. But
Allah knoweth, and you know not".
Qur'an 2:216
Irrespective of the position we might be in
our marriages causes of our pains and
sufferings differ
There might be those things, persons and
conditions you extremely craved for that
are detrimental to your spiritual journey,
growth and success...
Allah says... "Certainly, your efforts and
deeds are diverse."
Qur'an 92:4
Now let's move to the next level
Using our pains to attain Allah's pleasure
and gain Jannah
1. The spiritual wisdom and benefits
behind your pains.
Therefore, Allah who knows and loves you
more than you love yourself has place
upon you those things, persons or
conditions that you hate so much... to
bring you back to Him as His beloved
servants.
He has place those 'negatives' factors to
guide you back to Him
Allah says in the Holy Qur'an
"It may be that you dislike a thing and
Allah brings through it a great deal of
good" Qur'an 4:19
"Fighting is prescribed for you, and you
dislike it. But it is possible that you dislike
To awaken you from the slumber of being
irresponsible to your primary life purpose.
Just a reminder of -ibn Sahl.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 39

Which goes thus:
"Trial is a wake-up call from the forgetful
one, a means to achieve rewards for the
patient and a reminder of blessings for
everyone."
They are blessings in disguises.
submission to Him without complaining
nor compromising.
We said pains are negative feelings, but
they are positive in spiritual realm for your
own advantages, both in this world and
hereafter.
It's when you sincerely 'accept' ...'submit'
2. Pains as test of faith in total submission
to the wills, decrees and plans of Allah.
to Allah for He has power over you....
Or what can an insignificant spec do to the
Almighty.?? Nothing!!!
Allah says ..."Do people think that they
will be left alone because they say "We
believe', and will not be tested. And Allah
will certainly make known(the truth of)
those who are true and certainly make
known (the falsehood of) those who are
liars". (Qur'an 29:2-3)
You are to submit without complaining
that....:

Which goes thus:
"Trial is a wake-up call from the forgetful
one, a means to achieve rewards for the
patient and a reminder of blessings for
everyone."
They are blessings in disguises.
submission to Him without complaining
nor compromising.
We said pains are negative feelings, but
they are positive in spiritual realm for your
own advantages, both in this world and
hereafter.
It's when you sincerely 'accept' ...'submit'
2. Pains as test of faith in total submission
to the wills, decrees and plans of Allah.
to Allah for He has power over you....
Or what can an insignificant spec do to the
Almighty.?? Nothing!!!
Allah says ..."Do people think that they
will be left alone because they say "We
believe', and will not be tested. And Allah
will certainly make known(the truth of)
those who are true and certainly make
known (the falsehood of) those who are
liars". (Qur'an 29:2-3)
You are to submit without complaining
that....:

And could anyone tell us what are the
spiritual implications of this ingratitude
and unpleasant actions towards your
Creator.... The Lord of the World???
My dear sisters, for you to be submissive
to Allah and to be among His beloved ones
....you are to stop complaining about your
pains, sufferings, afflictions, sorrow and
grief to people.
For you to have complained.... so much
about your Lord... to every Tom, Dick and
Harry.
And, also murmuring, blaming, feeling pity
and unworthy of yourself...... grumbling
and scowling negatively about your
Creator....
The implication is that...
Stop blaming the 'object of your trials'
(husbands and co-wives).
But face the 'Creator of your trials'.. pray
to Him, beg Him, ....be on your mursalah,
pray vividly to help you ... go on sujjud
and pour out your heart... tell Him how
fearful, hurt, pained ... how weak,
helpless, lost, broken and vulnerable you
are.!
• Your Lord is not compassionate
towards you.
• That He has disappointed you!
• That He has failed you!
• And He doesn't love you!
In Sha Allah, by His Mercy... He will come
to your rescue.
Because He says "Verily, with every
difficultly, there is relief". (Qur'an 94:6)
• That your Lord is fallible and people
should get you another God!
3. By not associating any other gods or
partners with Allah.
Fa auzubillai Minna shaitani Ar-Rajiim
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 42

Ah! Ah! You'll be wondering why should I
say that... After all we are not Kafiruun
nah‍♀. Abi munafiquun
Kalas! You are associating partners with
Allah ... You know what! ................by
loving your husbands, children, wealth
more than your love for Allah (awj).
Walahi, Allah will not accept your 99.9% of
love, He will throw it back to you because
He doesn't share His 'worship' with His
creatures.
Here:
Love = worship
You are so devoted to your husband, you
created almost all your time, energy and
worth to please him.... Please don't get me
wrong... I'm not saying you shouldn't be a
good wife to your husband
You can't compromise your love for Him.
He is Self-sufficient, All Powerful.
He is the Almighty, The Dominion. He is
free of wants and praises of His creatures.
We all need Him.. He doesn't need us.
Subhanallah wa ta'ala.
But when you love the creature more than
the Creator... That's a misplacement of
priority in term of your life purpose
To the little understanding of Islamic
spirituality....
Dear sisters, you should love Allah in
totality and from His love, other loves
spring from.
Your love for your husbands, children,
parents etc.
My Shaykh (htl) ... May Allah bless his soul.
Amin
He said... When your love for Allah is 99.9%
and the remaining 0.1% for His creatures..
That is the reason 'sincerity of purpose'
should be your watchword.... Your guiding
light.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 43

Any act of worship you do through your
husband, your co-wives etc... must be on
the foundation of sincerity. That is doing
them for Allah's sake. For the sake of
pleasing Him because of your love for Him.
And from loving Allah, to pleasing Him, you
are able to love from the premises of
authenticity not from desperation and
frustration
Loving for Allah.... Hating for Allah. That is
Islamic love.
Ya Allah help us ...
To love with Your Love, those people You
want us to love, and hate with Your Hate
those people You have permitted us to
hate.
And this is a Genuine Love whereby other
loves spring from.
usurpation, ingratitude and so on and so
forth.
Positively, pains help you to discover how
fallible you are and guide you back to be
better than who you were before.
You would gain Allah's pleasure by
rebuilding your relationships with your
husband, your co-wives, in-laws, family
and friends, neighbors etc.
Why are you deceiving yourself to be
spiritually upright when your conscience is
not clear to your fellow human beings???..
When you harbour rancour, hatred and
animosity against people... your co-wives
for instance just because she has come to
share in that 'thing' that does not worth a
kobo in trading with your Jannah!!
Sisters, we need to reflect upon the life
4. Pain: An harbinger of your fallibility
Pains are harbinger of your weakness,
atrocities, iniquities, indulgences,
prodigality, arrogance, miserliness,
story of early muslimah....
They were men... and if I called them
men... they were because the affairs of the
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 44

hereafter were heavier in their hearts than
this worlds'.
Ya Allah help us!

• Diminishes self-blame
• Nourishes self-control
• Nourishes self-love and self-esteem.
Just trust Him!

• Sabr is fulfilling the rights of others
even when they transgress against
yours.
• Sabr is crying about your heartache in
front of Allah and no one else.
• Sabr is believing wholeheartedly that
Allah has beautiful things in store for
you.
• Sabr is crawling forward even when
you want to stop.
Like I used to heard this....
If you know how much Allah cares for you,
you will bow down in sujjud from morning
till night of everything day of your life
praising Him and thanking Him for His
mercy over you.
Allah loves you that's the reason He is
testing you.... This is enough to be
grateful to Him always.
• Sabr is an active state of being, it is not
a theory to simply be discussed and
forgotten.
May Allah count us among those who are
grateful.
And it is worth it. Every single second of it
is so worth it because Allah loves the
patient.
And it’s worth going through the worst of
the worst if it means that it will gain you
Allah’s love.
A beautiful patience

And today... I'm grateful to Allah
As I learnt from a class of Emotional
Intelligence
And when I was at 'my lowest'

And whatever and wherever I have erred is
from me
May Allah forgive me of my shortcomings.
May He make this an Hujjah for us but not
against us.
Either pained or pleased,
We seek His Jannah....we seek His
pleasure.
Subhanaka Allahumma wa bi hamdik
Ash'adu an laa ilaha ila nta. A'stagfiruka
wa'atubu ilek.
Subhanaka Robbi i'zati amma yasfuhu
wasalaamu ala limursaleen
walihamdullilah Robbi A'alameen.
WHY WE NEED TO PREPARE OUR
MINDS FOR POLYGAMY BY DOC.
NAFISA ABDUULLAHI ZUFU
Assalam alaikum,
Rabbi sharahli sadri, wa yassirli amri,
wahlul ukdatan min lisani, yafkahu Kaluli.
Amma baad, My dear sisters in Islam,
Coach asked me to give a lecture on why
we need to prepare our minds for
polygamy.
I would have loved it to be an interactive
session but Allah willed otherwise.
Let's say the realisation that I was not
ready for polygamy came five months into
my marriage when i had a dream;
In that dream my hubby got a new wife
and I had to cook for them for seven days.
Mhmm it was not easy.
I woke up sweating and my heart was
beating like I had run for 1000km
I woke up realising my thoughts that I
wouldn't mind polygamy were just
thoughts that in reality I wasn't prepared.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 49

I know began to see things in a different
light.
At the time I thought I understood the
plight of the first wife.
I thought the first wife was a victim and
the man was an oppressor.
I thought my hubby marrying on me was a
betrayal.
I thought I would be a laughing stock
because people would think I was
incapable of taking care of my husband
My greatest fear was that it means he
doesn't love me anymore.
Slowly with different life experiences and
in different fora I have come to realise I
need to be prepared because:
1. Polygamy can very well be a reality for
me.
2. Polygamy can be a reality for my sister
3. Polygamy can be a reality for my
daughter.
4. Polygamy is a reality for my friends.
5. Polygamy is a reality for my sister in
law.
And because it can be a reality for me and
my family and my friends I need to be
prepared to live it like a Muslimah and/or
to give sound advice to my friends and
family.
Alhamdulillah in my quest to be prepared
I've learnt and unlearnt and relearn some
pertinent truths:
1. Polygamy will be the end of my
married life as I know it, but ISA it will
be the beginning of more happy times.
2. Polygamy doesn't mean my hubby is
betraying me.
3. Polygamy doesn't mean I am not up to
the task of holding my hubby
4. Incoming wify may have her fears and
concerns and being understanding
and patient with her will be a means of
Allah having mercy on me.
5. Polygamy will not mean he doesn't
love me anymore
Most importantly I have learnt if the time
comes I'll still hurt.
I'll still be confused
I'll still be worried but If I hold on to the
belief that this is a trial from Allah SWT
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 50

and I want to pass it will be easier to pass
through that storm
Sisters this is my journey so far;
It is important to note that preparing for
polygamy doesn't automatically turn your
marriage polygamous but it does help u
know how to help others and how to help
yourself if need arises
I pray to Allah to grant us all happy families
and that if polygamy is written for me May
Allah grant me a sister that will help us
all build our home in Jannah and may He
grant hubby the ability to do justice
Complied by: Hamdalah Sulaiman
(techymom)
Jazakumullah khairan fiddunya WA akhira.
We all appreciate your presence, your
support, your contributions.
We pray that in this small way we have
been able to impact the unmah positively.
POSITIVE POLYGNY NETWORK 51