Fertility Road Issue 44 May/June 2018

MIND
THE IMPORTANCE OF
RESILIENCE
Learn how to develop and nurture resilience to become better equipped at navigating your way through life’s challenges
By Juliana Kassianos
From a young age, we hope and expect to live
a 'fairy-tale' notion of life – one where we live
happily ever after. We map out a timeline
of our lives, which tends to go something
along the lines of that old playground rhyme
we used to sing: "First comes love. Then
comes marriage. Then comes baby in a baby
carriage." But as we grow older, we start to
learn the hard truth that life doesn't always
go to plan.
Although we don’t always have control over
what happens in our lives, we can choose how
we respond and move forward. It’s our ability
to work through the tough times that makes
us grow stronger not only in person but in our
relationships too.
This soldier on attitude requires a certain
amount of resilience, which isn’t something
we’re born with, it’s something we develop and
nurture throughout our lives. We can do this by
putting into practice what I call the three A’s:
Acceptance, Awareness and Action.
Acceptance
It’s important we accept early on that life
doesn’t always play fair. Plans we make might
not always work out the way we thought they
would and life itself may be a little harder than
we’d imagined it to be.
There are bound to be some bumps, turns
and dark tunnels in the road ahead of us. By
accepting this, it gives us the readiness and
willpower to work through any obstacles that
come our way, making sure that we get to our
desired destination, no matter how hard it may
be or how long it may take.
When we hit these obstacles it can feel like the
breaks are being slammed on our life. We’ve
suddenly stalled, whilst everyone else appears to
be happily moving forward, leaving us behind
feeling scared, lost and all alone. A feeling
you might be all too familiar with if you’re
struggling to conceive.
As a form of control, we tend to react by either
suppressing our thoughts, feelings and emotions
or resisting them, but this only makes their
power over us grow stronger. As Shinzen Young
formulated ‘Suffering = Pain x Resistance’; the
more we resist pain, the more we suffer. Think
of it like quicksand, the more you struggle,
the faster you sink. But if you stop struggling,
it gives you more time to find a way to free
yourself.
Embracing the struggle isn’t easy; it’s something
we have to make a conscious decision to do.
To choose to accept obstacles we come across
as part of our journey, to embrace them and
believe in our ability to work through them.
To know in advance that’s it’s not necessarily
going to be an easy ride, but confidently say
nonetheless “I’ve got this”.
Awareness
When we get knocked down, it’s tempting to
hide under the duvet and shut-ourselves out
from the world or go about our day pretending
we’re fine, as though nothing’s happened. To
be able to pick ourselves up, we need to be
completely honest with ourselves, acknowledge
that there’s something we need to work on and
have a sense of self-compassion. To not beat
ourselves up about how we’re feeling. To realise
it’s okay not to be okay. To admit to ourselves:
“I’m not coping”, “I’m anxious” or “I’m lost”.
Certain life events such as miscarriage,
termination or stillbirth can have such a
traumatic impact on us mentally, physically
and socially, that they can be life-changing. As a
result, we can’t necessarily bounce back to who
we were before, but we can grow through what
we go through and use the experience to gain a
better understanding of ourselves.
If we suppress our thoughts, feelings, emotions,
it may help us to get through each day, but it’s
not going to help us heal. It’s putting a plaster
over the wound. In order to heal the wound and
recover, we need to acknowledge and address
all that we’re suppressing either consciously or
subconsciously.
In order to reflect, it may be helpful to start
writing in a journal every day. Writing down
your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful
tool to help develop and increase your selfawareness.
To get into the habit, schedule a
time in your day to do so, such as first thing in
the morning or before you go to bed. Keep your
journal and pen on your bedside table to act as a
daily reminder, so you don’t forget to fill it in.
Your emotions may be more deeply-rooted, so
much so that you might not even be aware of
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