Fertility Road Issue 44 May/June 2018

BODY
has always known they wanted to be a mother, so
their plan for their life is called in to question.
On the other hand the man has to watch his
partner go through treatment, which can lead
to feelings of guilt if the issue is male factor,
and many feel that they have to be strong and
supportive for their partner, so hide their feelings
to be the rock whilst going through treatment.
Women tend to use coping strategies such as
seeking social support, escape/avoidance, accepting
responsibility and tackling the problem head on.
They often feel more comfortable talking to friends
about emotional and sensitive issues, will go on
forums for advice and speak to a counsellor.
However they are often more likely to feel and
show their emotions more freely, want to talk
about the issue more than their partner and
feel more depressed that their life isn’t
how they imagined it would be.
Men on the other hand tend to use
strategies such as problem solving,
distancing and self-controlling. For
men, infertility can be felt as an
attack on their manhood, causing
them to feel like a failure (which
isn’t true). Due to this they often
limit who they talk to about the
problem as there is an element
of embarrassment. They may
take a practical approach
of researching treatment,
focusing on work and keeping
their feeling hidden.
This can mean that there
are differences in what you
both need for coping with
infertility and treatment,
and you need to ensure you
work together to get through
it and cope as a couple.
Try to make time to see
things from your partner’s
perspective. Warning
signs to look for:
- Over-reliance on your partner – focusing only
on your needs.
- Under-reliance – completely avoiding the subject.
- Losing perspective of yourselves as a couple
outside of your fertility issues.
- Losing sight of what attracted you to your
partner in the first place.
- Thinking of your partner as the problem,
rather than the infertility.
Getting through it together
Remember why you are together and what
you love about each other
When you are struggling to conceive and the
focus of your relationship has become all about
the best time to try, fertility treatments and
comparing yourself to others it is hard to lose
sight of what you love about your partner and
the reason you got together in the first place.
Remember that you are not defined by your
infertility, you were a couple before you started
trying to conceive, with shared interests and
interesting conversations.
It’s always good to remember what you love
about your partner (and even more importantly)
remind them what you love about them.
Each write down the below things, then swap
them over and enjoy reading them.:
- 10 things you love about your partner
- Your favourite feature about them
- What attracted you to them in the first place
- What they do that makes you feel special
- How they have supported you on your
fertility journey
Don't place blame
It is really important to see the fertility issue as a joint
issue (whichever side the problem is on). Placing the
blame will create a divide between the two of you,
you need to see it as something you need to overcome
together. Talk about ‘our’ problem (not mine/yours).
Set designated 'No baby/IVF' talk times
Set time limits for how long you talk about the
treatment and infertility so your conversations
don’t just revolve around trying for a baby.
This can add to the stress and pressure in the
relationship. Also set times when you don’t
discuss it – for example if you’re out for a meal,
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