The Prayer of Relinquishment

then the questions . . . Why God? Is this punishment for___? Why
should my husband have to give up having children of his own? Is it
because I would be a bad mother? I wasn't consumed with these
thoughts and questions, but underneath it all, they were never far away.
God had put two families with adopted children in our lives. That sure
made it look like God was preparing us for this inevitability. So the day
came when I lay on a cold, hard table, in a cold, dimly lit radiology
room, all alone, waiting for the doctor to come and initiate the test that
would determine if my uterus and fallopian tube (singular, since the
other had been removed due to the tubal pregnancy), was open, closed
or scarred.
But the struggle I faced in prayer that morning was not about infertility
or childlessness. It was about whether I could trust God . . .trust in His
love for me, trust in His wisdom, trust in His healing power, trust in His
higher purpose. Could I trust His sovereignty? In those moments of
prayer, in the fear of my future without children of our own, God
brought me to - a place of Relinquishment. It was the most glorious
peace I had experienced since the night of my salvation. I knew that I
had just entered into God's presence, and He had held me. The fear was
gone, and His love and strength to face what would come . . . His plan,
not mine . . . was so real, I literally felt lifted above that cold, hard table.
Then the doctor and radiologist came in, the procedure was started, and
I experienced the worst pain of my life, as the dye was injected into my
uterus and forced into the fallopian tube. The pain began as a full and
burning sensation, but gradually grew until I thought I would pass out.
The doctor's face was very serious, and then suddenly I felt an explosion
in my abdomen followed by a gradual release of pain.
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