UNTITLED, BRENNA LAKESON

wonder what your body looks like sober. Not pawing
I
in the dark in a fog of whiskey, but deliberate love
around
What is it like to wear your plaid shirt and my
making.
in your kitchen while I get a glass of water?
underwear
is it like to lie in bed with you all day in July? Do I
What
up in your dreams, too, unsolicited? Do you want to
show
to a café with your arm around me and sit by an open
walk
and talk about our dead parents?
window
colors are your sheets, your curtains, your walls? Do
What
hang up your white t-shirts in a small closet with a
you
door or do you leave them in a pile? I want to know
sliding
inside you, to “press my nose up to the glass
everything
your heart.” I want you to tell me about your sister
around
your preschool and all your scraped knees. I want to
and
your neck and lay my head on your chest and peel back
kiss
your tightly spun layers.
all
want to grow a garden with you. We can save each other,
I
know. We can make a thing together, a beautiful thing
you
of light and laughter and hands. We can go on walks
full
drink too much coffee. You can tell me things in big
and
I don’t understand while you touch my hair. I can sit
words
your couch with my feet under your leg while we watch
on
wonder what your body
I
like when we are not
looks
around in the dark,
pawing
a fog of whiskey.
in
want to kiss your
I
and lay my head
neck
made up story,
this
one where you carry me
the
your chest and
on
back all your
peel
can make a thing
We
full of light
together,
laughter and hands.
and
I want to protect
But
bed after I fall asleep
to
your shoulder.
on
BRENNA LAKESON
I.
UNTITLED
I.
tightly spun layers.
a show on television.

want to look at you and feel comfort instead of anxiety. I
I
want to look at you and wonder, I want to look at you
don’t
know. I want us to explode this silly, romantic thing
and
made up with our real truths, with our bodies, with our
I’ve
But I also want to grow and protect this made up
voices.
the one where you carry me to bed after I fall asleep
story,
can’t shut you out. You walk around the perimeter of my
I
like you own the place. I want to be allowed to let
thoughts
in. Sometimes our eyes meet, and then I think that
you
you feel this too. I want to ask you but I know it’s
maybe
that I don’t. I keep thinking that we can overcome
better
terrible timing but maybe we can’t. Maybe this is my
this
all real now. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just as
It’s
up as before, but only now I can touch it. Now I
made
the answers to those strangely specific questions. I
know
how many pillows are on your bed and what kind of
know
you eat in the morning. I know what your body
cereal
like when midmorning sunlight pours over it from the
looks
window above your bed. I know what my fingernails
small
like against your freckled neck. I know what it feels
look
to sleep with my body close to yours with our hands
like
up together. I know what it’s like to kiss you first
balled
think I know some of your secrets, but maybe I know
I
Maybe all of these things that I know are still
nothing.
I don’t wonder what the walls of your room
make-believe.
like anymore, but I wonder what your walls look like.
look
I think you take them down, but people like you
Sometimes
take their walls down. You have secrets trapped
don’t
you, and I want to pull them out. When I look into
inside
eyes that are a little too close together, I don’t ask any
your
these questions. When we sit on your couch with a
of
of wine and you tell me to suck on my piece of
bottle
instead of chewing it because it brings the flavors
chocolate
– you’re not mysterious then. But when I get home to
out
much bigger bedroom window, questions well up inside
my
and spill over onto everything I touch.
me
said things about my body that no one had ever said to
You
Your intensity is overwhelming, but then you break
me.
well-constructed façade by doing impressions of your
your
southern accent, and I think maybe I don’t know
mother’s
at all. This all still seems impossible, still imaginary,
you
unfulfilled. There are still handfuls of questions, but
still
just hold them until you get back. We aren’t ready for
I’ll
questions yet. The questions might make it fall apart.
the
are safe and reckless at the same time. I feel protected
You
you fold your tall body around mine while I sleep.
when
you’re bad for me, and maybe I’ll figure that out
Maybe
it’s too late. But I still wouldn’t mind spending a
when
soaking you in through my pores. A summer of
summer
dresses and walks through muddy trails and
cotton
in that attic bedroom of yours rolls out before
nakedness
Now that we’ve arrived somewhere, I’m not sure
me.
I know what you
Now
like in the early
look
sunlight and what
morning
fingernails look like
my
am overwhelmed by
I
intensity, and when
your
crack a smile and
you
your mother’s southern
imitate
drawl
think maybe I don’t know you.
I
that we’ve arrived
Now
I’m not sure
somewhere,
we are but I don’t
where
to leave.
want
tell me your dad
You
a good person
was
he wasn’t drinking.
when
ask me
You
the wildest thing
about
ever done.
I’ve
tell me
You
hair smells good
my
wake up I
the middle of the night
in
to trace my finger
just
your collarbone again.
over
on your shoulder.
two-fold punishment, and I have to watch you walk away.
II.
II.
against your freckled neck.
thing in the morning to let me know that the night was real.
when it falls in your face.
where we are. But I don’t want to leave.

want to be alive with you. You tell me about how you
I
hippies and about that one time when you ran from the
hate
You tell me that your dad was a good person when
cops.
wasn’t drinking. You ask me about the wildest thing
he
ever done. You tell me my hair smells good when it
I’ve
into your face. We lay in bed for hours – talking and
falls
I tell you I don’t want to sleep because I don’t
touching.
it to end. I wake up in the middle of the night just to
want
my finger over your collarbone and count the freckles
trace
your shoulder again. I bury my face in your neck
on
I want my whole body to be touching your whole
because
because then it will be real.
body
aren’t any more questions. My hands are empty
There
and your hands are empty. We showed all our cards,
now,
it was almost worth it. The whole long story is more
and
now, knowing that I wasn’t making it up all along. For
real
few short minutes we fanned the strange, calm fire
a
us, only to find out that it was too dangerous after
between
sit with mosquitoes and stars and bats. We tell each
We
the most painful secrets. In between our risky
other
we make shapes out of the silhouettes of bushes
sentences,
children make shapes out of clouds. Sometimes
like
sits with us like a soft pet that makes things more
silence
instead of worse. When I rest my head on
comfortable
arm, you rest your head on mine, and it feels strangely
your
vulnerable.
know why I can’t know what all is inside you now. It’s
I
much even for you to handle. You say we have to let
too
go. You say I’ll be glad we didn’t try. I stare off into
this
nighttime and wish you weren’t right. But both of us
the
open wounds too big to love anything well. I touch
have
hair and the back of your neck, which is sticky with
your
in the evening summer heat. You rest your head on
sweat
arms and sigh. Your body relaxes in a way I’ve never
your
before. This is the most real moment, the only
seen
you’ve ever released your pent-up self in front of
moment
We sit with the silence some more. We talk about
me.
everyone carries so much pain. For the first time, we
how
was right before, that the timing is terrible, and that we
I
overcome it. At least not this time around. We never
can’t
it out loud because it is too precious to speak. On your
say
though, I can feel the words with my own lips. I can
lips,
their shapes with my tongue and I can feel them inside
taste
body with my arms wrapped around you too tight.
your
you press your face into my shoulder, I whisper, “me
When
into your ear because I need you to know I understand.
too”
walk me to my car with your arm around me, and I
You
your hand tighter and tighter so that maybe I won’t
grip
to let it go. I rest my forehead on your chest while we
have
in the parking lot so you won’t see me trying not to
stand
You tell me to be safe and to let you know when I get
cry.
We reach out our arms as you walk away so that our
home.
touch until the very last second. You ride your bike
hands
me with the clip-on light blinking. You wave to me in
past
saddest way and all I can do is sit and stare out into the
the
alone.
dark
hands are empty
My
and your hands
now,
empty. It was almost
are
it. worth
silence sits
Sometimes
us like a soft pet
with
makes things more
that
instead of worse.
comfortable
say I’ll be glad
You
didn’t try.
we
of us have wounds
Both
big to love well.
too
rest my forehead
I
your chest
on
you won’t see me
so
not to cry.
trying
wave to me
You
the saddest way
in
I stare out into
and
dark, alone.
the
III.
III.
all.
don’t laugh very much.

tried to stay away. But the second you walked through
We
door, I knew. We spent the whole evening trying not to
the
too much eye contact. I laughed a little too hard at
make
jokes that were almost our own set of inside jokes but
your
quite. I sat near you but not too near. Listening to your
not
felt like home. Hearing you talk to other people was
voice
like they were infringing on something that was our
jarring,
Like your voice belonged only to me. The same
own.
that talked to me in our secret moments was the same
voice
you used to talk about television shows, and it was
voice
last time, tequila gives us the courage, like it always
One
“Stay,” I say. “Come,” you say. And just like that
does.
follow me home, both of us knowing that we’re
you
the so-called rules. It’s almost as if we made
breaking
up knowing that we would break them, and that
them
it all the more desirable. I kiss you in the parking lot
makes
my room, you peruse pictures of my dead mother on the
In
and tell me how organized everything is. “What’s
walls
with you?” you joke about my neatly stacked office
wrong
as though I’m the one who is too broken for this.
supplies,
turn off the lights only to turn them back on again
We
you want to be able to see me. We press our
because
as close as they go so we can hold onto these
bodies
because soon they will end. If we hold each other
moments
enough, I can make time stop for us. I feel the
tight
form again. You always bring the questions with
questions
stay awake for as long as my eyes stay open because I
I
to remember every second with you even if it destroys
want
If I sleep, I will have to wake up and you will have to
me.
But if I’m awake, you are here and you are mine. I
leave.
the consistent urge to say things I shouldn’t say
fight
they will scare you. You ask me what I’m
because
and I say I can’t tell you. I feel your body relax
thinking,
me as you lose consciousness to the night. I hold both
into
hands and wrap your arms around me. I bury myself
your
you so that I’ll be embedded in your skin and we’ll have
in
the daylight, you tell me over and over that I’m beautiful
In
I don’t know what to say back because it makes me
and
to cry. I tell you to stay even though I know you
want
I hate letting you out my front door because of the
can’t.
that you might never come back. I stand at the
possibility
and watch you walk around the corner. I watch you
door
away out my window. I feel the same desperation
drive
convince myself that it was worth it.
and
are still a made up delusion. You are not mine and I
We
not yours. Even so, I would drop everything for you,
am
us. We are bigger than time, and it seems that, no
for
how hard I wish it, I will not stop loving you.
matter
tried to stay away.
We
laugh a little too hard
I
your jokes that
at
almost our own.
are
Stay,
say. I
Come,
say. You
joke about my
You
stacked office supplies,
neatly
though I’m the one
as
too broken for this.
who’s
keep my eyes open for
I
long as I can
as
I want to remember
because
second with you
every
IV.
IV.
jarring.
like a long time lover, not like the secret you are.
even if it destroys me.
you, but tonight it doesn’t matter because you are here.
to stay that way.

is silence. Even after you begin to make excuses, I
There
your reasons won’t fix me. You are falling away,
know
I will never see lazy Sundays with you. We will never
and
brunch or go to farmer’s markets or go on a bike ride
have
the afternoon. This story in front of our eyes now is the
in
thing. It feels both too short and impossibly long.
whole
brought me to life and destroyed me at the same time.
You
were a tourist of my body with no intention of making
You
cared for me like a potted flower that you sometimes
You
to water until it withered into death and you had to
forgot
it out, with your coffee grounds and banana peels.
throw
took all of me and none of me.
You
we need enemies to define who we are. I’m
Sometimes
remembering who I am, but I know who I’m not.
still
you said I was beautiful, you didn’t mean I was
When
Love does not have to be only in the sunlight, but it
yours.
were a tourist
You
my body
of
no intention
with
making it home.
of
you said I was
When
you didn’t mean
beautiful,
cared for me
You
a potted plant
like
you sometimes
that
to water.
forgot
does not have to
Love
only in the sunlight
be
it doesn’t exist
but
in the dark.
only
V.
V.
I was yours.
it home.
certainly doesn’t exist only in the dark.