Delegate Guidebook

How can we avoid writing clunky
dialogue?
You would have to analyze what exactly
is “clunkiness.” There are going to be
some very simple steps—dialogue is
clunky if just has too many words. If
it’s taking more words than necessary
for the character to express outwardly
in dialogue what they are trying to do
inwardly in action. It can become clunky
because they are using multi-syllabic or
poly-syllabic words when a one or twosyllable
world will do the same.
For example, I have a pet peeve with
people who use the word “utilize.”
“Utilize” is a three-syllable word when
the one-syllable word “use” will always
substitute. There is no case in which
someone uses the word “utilize” in
which you couldn’t substitute the word
“use.” So they use three syllables when
one would do. But I know why they do
that, because “utilize’ sounds important.
When people want to sound intelligent
they add syllables to words and words to
sentences and sentences to speeches,
they just talk more.
The cure for clunkiness is just a matter
of economy and brevity in terms of the
number of words you use and the quality
of the words you use.
Are there any strategies to rewrite
dialogue that is on the nose?
That goes back to what we were talking
about before. On the nose dialogue is
dialogue without a subtext.
Of course people try to say out loud
what they are fully thinking or talking.
Of course they make an effort to speak
on the nose. You can write dialogue in
which people are trying to say exactly
what they are thinking and feeling.
I gave that example of somebody
with their psychiatrist—the patient
does everything they can to say on
the nose what they are thinking and
feeling to try to help the psychiatrist to
understand them. They are not holding
anything back; they are paying the
psychologist very good money to help
them understand themselves. They are
being as outwardly honest and frank as
they possibly can be. And what’s the
psychologist doing? Taking notes. And
what’s in those notes? What the patient
is not saying. A psychologist is not a
stenographer. A psychologist is someone
who is trained to look through the on
the nose expression of their patients
to realize what’s really going on in their
subconscious mind and why there is a
disconnect between what they think they
do in life and what they really do in life.
It’s not as if you can’t write on the nose.
If it’s appropriate for the character to say
out loud what they are really thinking
and feeling, then fine. But there always
is a subtext underneath that. And that’s
what keeps on the nose writing from
seeming on the nose. The ideal of all
dialogue is that it is a transparency, that
no matter how long a character tries
to say out loud what they are exactly
thinking and feeling, the audience’s eye
travels through the surface of the scene
to the real thoughts, even subconscious
thoughts and feelings that are going
on underneath what the character is
saying. That’s what’s the audience finds
captivating—they know what’s really
going on inside the character better than
the character.
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