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GRUMP’S GUIDE TO
AN AMERICAN-FRIENDLY GUIDE
TO BRITAIN’S CAPITAL
Essential
straight-talk
for trip
planners
Steve Williams
with sketches by David Grech

GRUMP’S GUIDE TO
An American-friendly guide to Britain’s Capital
with straight-talk for trip planners
STEVE WILLIAMS
with sketches by David Grech
1

Copyright © 2017 by Steve Williams
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including
photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods,
without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of
brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial
uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests,
please contact: www.grumpsguides.com
The illustrations are the copyright of the artist David Grech. They may
not be reproduced, copied or stored in any format without the express
permission of the artist: davidgrech@talk21.com
Edited and proofread by Hourglass Publishing Services
Typesetting, design and layout by Brian Cantwell
Published by Paragon Publishing
2

DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to two people. First, my longsuffering
wife, Karen, who hung in there and never got
tired of critiquing multiple versions of my initial drafts.
Second, to my friend Ben. Whenever I return from a trip,
Ben and I meet at Starbucks where he chuckles at some
of my travel stories. Everyone else yawns. Were it not for
Ben’s assurances that you will chuckle too, I wouldn’t have
bothered to write this book.
3

ABOUT GRUMP'S GUIDE
Part of the fun of a vacation is scouring guidebooks for information
about your destination – where to stay, what to eat, best beaches,
ancient battle fields, local markets – that sort of thing. You’ll also get a
little history and a pull-out map at the back.
But while Guidebooks contain a wealth of valuable detail, they have
a major downside. They are too promotional. Talented writers and
photographers lure you to places where they know you’ll drop some
serious moolah.
Here’s an example of their descriptive gobbledygook: ‘History greets
you at every turn yet London’s red hot night life makes it one of the coolest
cities in the world!’
OK, it makes you want to rush over to Blighty (that’s what the Brits
call their island). But it can also set you up for disappointment. That’s
where Grump’s Guide comes in. Grump tells you what London’s really
like, a sort of reality check.
This doesn’t mean Grump puts London in the worst possible light. On
the contrary, he calls London one of the world’s great cities. It’s just
that London can be a minefield for the unwary visitor. You’ll need the
experience of Grump to navigate you safely through.
‘If you know what to expect’, says Grump, ‘you can avoid the vacation
blues (VB). This is a condition that has you traipsing aimlessly around
London in a fog of exhaustion, thinking ‘I’ll be glad when the trip’s
over!’
Grump not only guarantees you immunity from the VB but puts a
spring in your step as you set out to savor London’s bountiful array of
sights and sounds. You’ll walk around with a smile as broad as those on
the relaxed, stress-free people pictured in your Guidebook.
As a bonus – or maybe it’s the best part of the book – Grump has
persuaded well-known Cambridgeshire artist, David Grech, to add
some of his original watercolors of London as a taster for what you can
expect.
Grump’s Guide is not only a fun read, it’s a delicious smörgåsbord of
essential straight talk.
4

FOREWORD
Whenever I ask returning friends how they enjoyed their first visit to
London, they all tell me how different it was from what they expected.
"In some ways, it was better than expected", they say.
"But …" – and here comes the punch line "…oh boy, did we screw up!
If only we’d known a few basic facts about London and the Brits before
we left home!"
Their tales of what went wrong flow out like molten lava. Bottom line is,
by the time they’ve come through the stress of planning and packing
then dealt with departure delays, jet lag, airplane food, and the time
change – they’re exhausted. Add the extra stress of an unknown
culture, the arrival formalities, a cab driver who overcharges, or a rude
hotel check-in clerk, and the dark clouds of what I call the ‘Vacation
Blues’ (VB) begin to blow in.
Like seasickness, relief only comes when the trip ends. No wonder
they’re glad to be home and venting to me.
"So I assume you’re never going back?" I ask.
"Oh no, we didn’t say that," they answer quickly. "It wasn’t that bad!"
They assure me that they’re already planning their next London visit
(women especially seem to get hooked on London - don’t ask me why).
"But next time," they all vow, "we’ll heed the lessons learned from this
first trip. We just didn’t know what we didn’t know. I wish someone had
told us before we left home!"
5

THE FORMAT
Grump’s Guide is divided into six sections:
• Section 1 Should I Stay or should I go?
• Section 2 A Ride In The Sky
• Section 3 The Arrival Stampede
• Section 4 The Adventure Begins
• Section 5 Britishness …
• Section 6 Appendices
Each Section begins with a ‘Brit-Myth’. You’ll also come across shaded
text boxes. Dip into these areas only if you’re a trivia nut.
About Grump's Shaded Text Boxes:
These contain Grump's personal anecdotes (yawn) – an optional read.
To help Grump’s American friends with their understanding of the
Queen’s English, you’ll find a Brit-speak glossary in Appendix II. No
need to explain it; one look and you’ll get the picture.
If you enjoy Grump’s Guide to London, send in your comments to
grump@grumpsguides.com
THE ILLUSTRATIONS
The Guide’s twenty magnificent sketches are the work of
Cambridgeshire artist, David Grech. They represent unusual views
of London’s pubs, bridges, markets and landmarks. Grump hopes
they’ll whet your appetite for the rich tapestry of sights and sounds
that await you in London (limited edition prints are available from the
artist: davidgrech@talk21.com).
6

CONTENTS
SECTION ONE – SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?
ONE – WHAT’S WRONG WITH VEGAS AGAIN? 11
TWO – SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN! 13
THREE – SEE LONDON LIKE A TURTLE 19
FOUR – WHAT TO LEAVE IN … WHAT TO LEAVE OUT 23
FIVE - THE FASHION POLICE 27
SIX – OOPS, I FORGOT SOMETHING 33
SEVEN – THE QUADRUPLE BY-PASS 37
SECTION TWO – A RIDE IN THE SKY
ONE – THE VACATION BLUES (VB) 45
TWO – Taking Scissors Away 47
THREE – UNDER STARTER’S ORDERS 51
FOUR – RIDING THE TUBE 55
FIVE – OH WHAT A NIGHT! 61
SIX – THE MOTLEY CREW 67
SEVEN – THE JET LAG CURSE 71
EIGHT – FINAL APPROACH 75
SECTION THREE – THE ARRIVAL STAMPEDE
ONE – THINGS THAT GO BUMP 83
TWO – THE KRAKEN WAKES 87
THREE – TREK OF TEARS 91
FOUR – ARE WE THERE YET? 95
FIVE – SPAT OUT 97
SIX – YANKEE DOODLE GOES TO TOWN 101
SECTION FOUR – THE ADVENTURE BEGINS
ONE – DON’T EXPECT YOUR HOTEL TO BE DOWNTON ABBEY 109
TWO – HDRS (HOTEL ROOM DEFICIENCIES) 113
THREE – CHARM AND CALM 117
FOUR – TWIRLY (TOO EARLY) 121
FIVE – THE BIG YAWN 123
7

CONTENTS
Section Four continued
SIX – SINGING IN THE RAIN 125
SEVEN – YOUR LONDON BUCKET LIST 129
EIGHT – REMEMBER YOU’RE A TURTLE 133
NINE – YOUR OWN LITTLE CORNER OF LONDON 139
TEN – GOOD ZZZZZZS 143
SECTION FIVE – BRITISHNESS …
Introduction 151
ONE – WHAT HAVE THE BRITS EVER DONE FOR ME? 155
TWO – THE SUM OF THE PARTS 156
THREE – A ONCE MIGHTY EMPIRE 158
FOUR – COMPARING THE UK AND THE USA 159
FIVE – THE ROYALS 162
SIX – BRITAIN'S CLASS SYSTEM 163
SEVEN – I GET AROUND 166
EIGHT – PUBS AND PUB FOOD 167
NINE – A SPOT OF TEA? 169
TEN – BRITAIN'S STIFF UPPER LIP 170
ELEVEN – GLOBAL BRITAIN 171
TWELVE – NOSTALGIA'S THE FUTURE 172
THIRTEEN – HOW MUCH DO THE BRITS KNOW ABOUT THE USA? 174
FOURTEEN – UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS 175
FIFTEEN – LEAVE YOUR HAIR DRYER AT HOME 175
SIXTEEN – YOU GOTTA HAVE WEATHER 177
SECTION SIX – APPENDICES
APPENDIX I – BRITISH TABLE MANNERS 181
APPENDIX II – GLOSSARY 191
APPENDIX III – THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A LONDONER SAY 201
APPENDIX IV – TERROR IN PERSPECTIVE 202
8

SECTION ONE
SHOULD I STAY
OR
SHOULD I GO?
BRIT MYTH #1
I’ll learn everything when I get there. After all, that’s half the fun. Isn’t it?
WRONG!
The more you pre-know, the more fun you’ll have.
9

10
What’s all the fuss about an old clock?

ONE
WHAT’S WRONG WITH VEGAS AGAIN?
Admit it, your spouse planted
the germ of the idea for your trip.
Sitting with the crossword puzzle
in front of the blazing winter
fire (OK, in the US they’re faux
gas logs operated by a remote
– one of six remotes on the arm
of your chair), she looks up and
nonchalantly says:
“Hon, why don’t we think
about a London vacation this
year?”
(OK he/she doesn’t call you ‘Hon’,
but let’s move on).
Your first reaction is:
“We can’t afford it and anyway,
what’s wrong with taking the
kids to your mother’s again?
Then maybe while we’re there
you and I can sneak off for
a weekend in Vegas. You’ve
always liked the fact that it’s
cheap!”
There, you’ve quickly put the
genie back in his/her bottle.
“But it’s our big anniversary
year”, the love of your
life replies. “Can’t we do
something special?”
You don’t budge an inch.
You end the conversation with a
non-committal “…umph!”
For the rest of the evening images
of Big Ben and Buckingham
Palace roll through your brain.
When Downton Abbey comes
on the TV you find yourself
fascinated by those funny British
accents. Then you remember how
the kids loved Telly Tubbies and Mr
Bean. Maybe it is time you visited
Merrie Olde England?
At work the next day, you ask a
few colleagues who’ve already
visited London what it was like.
Without exception, they gush
with enthusiasm. Before you
know it, you’re looking at the
calendar.
You bring the office vacation
schedule up on your screen
followed by your electronic bank
statement. Can you really afford
a London jaunt? What will you
have to give up? You know she’ll
suggest sacrificing the Golf Club
membership again. She always
does.
By the late afternoon, you’ve
answered the question ‘Should
I stay or should I go?’ (with
apologies to The Clash). You have
decided to tell her ‘yes’ at supper
tonight (though you’ll say it in a
way that will make it sound like it
was your idea). Thus your canoe
starts drifting toward the rapids
they call ‘planning’.
11

12

Planning should be fun. Packing
shouldn’t – unless you are
abnormal or know something
I don’t. Both will consume
more pre-trip time than you
could possibly have imagined.
Let’s just ‘deal’ with them here
by confronting them in a
constructive, stress-free manner.
For months now, ever since
you had that first fireside chat
with your spouse she has been
breathless with anticipation. You
have too but don’t want to admit
it. This is all part of planning. The
whole process is exciting. You
might even remain on speaking
terms. You will find yourselves
poring over guidebooks and
web sites together and seeking
guidance from travel agents and
friends who have done London
before. This is all an excellent use
of your planning time.
But let me give you one or two
extra planning tidbits you’ll need
to know. I’m not dissing your
travel agent or your friends, nor
robbing you of the thrill of doing
your own planning. I’m just giving
you a couple of tips from my own
experiences.
First things first. We’ve already
covered turning your partner’s
suggestion of a dream trip to
London into your idea. You
TWO
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!
quickly discovered that when she
said: ‘It really is high time we went
to London’, her ‘high time’ meant
now! Give yourself a high five for
this.
So when’s the best time to go?
Anytime. London, like any major
world city, can be enjoyed year
round. That having been said, I try
to not go in January or February,
even on business. That’s when
London is at its cruelest. Not only
is it cold and very wet (though it
rarely snows), it’s also very dark.
In winter, daylight is scarce. You’ll
be lucky to see daylight before
10 a.m. even on a sunny January
day (excuse the oxymoron), and
by 3.30 pm the light is already
fading.
It’s a latitude problem. London
sits on the very edge of northern
Europe at a latitude (the eastwest
lines on the map) similar to
Siberia or Canada’s Hudson Bay.
You may be surprised that
December isn’t one of my blackout
months. OK, it has the
shortest day of the year,
December 22 nd – the
winter solstice. But, like
New York, London’s
Christmas season brings
out the best in the city.
Strolling down Bond
Street gazing into the
13

APPENDIX II
GLOSSARY
TRANSLATING BRIT-SPEAK TO AMERI-SPEAK
Brit-speak
A bob
A butty
A damp squib
A dekko (or a butchers)
A do
A doddle
A flutter on the gee-gees
A fortnight
A gander
A hoover (no matter what brand)
Alright?
An operation
Anorak
A quid
Argy-bargy
A Roller
A roundabout
A ruby
A sarny
A shufty (or shufti)
A sink
A skip
A sticky wicket
A stiff upper lip
A swift half
A tanner
Ameri-speak
An old British shilling or (now) five
pence coin
A sandwich
A humbug
A look
A party
An easy task or a cinch
A bet on the horse races
Two weeks
A look
Vacuum cleaner
How are you?
Surgery
Rain jacket
One pound
Pushing and shoving
Rolls Royce (car)
A traffic circle
A curry
A sandwich
A quick look
A vanity
A dumpster
A difficult situation
A show of stoicism
A quick beer
An old British sixpence
191

What Readers Are Saying
"After your toothbrush, raincoat, and electrical converters,
Grump’s Guide is the most important item in your bag."
"Without Grump’s Guide, I doubt I’d have made it to – or
survived – London."
"Grump shares a lifetime of grumping at the travel mishaps
that beset the rest of us."
"The magnificent Grech sketches alone are worth the price
of the book!"
"Grump’s Guide is chockablock with essential tips on what
to expect on that strange planet they call London."
"This is London without the tears – or the kill-buzz
exhaustion”
Coming soon Grump’s Guides to:
New York,
China,
and
The English Countryside
For up-to-date information check out the website:
www.grumpsguide.com
Heartfelt thanks to Brian W Cantwell
Brian not only typeset the final manuscript but brought the Guide to
life with his diligent and creative contribution to its look-and-feel.
205

The Grump is Steve Williams. He’s an Ameri-
Brit or a ‘Harf n’ Haff’ – someone who’s spent
harf his life in Britain and haff in the USA. As
a result, he’s as American as apple pie but
still retains his stiff upper lip. It also means
he’s flown the Atlantic countless times.
Join Grump as he navigates you thru’ the minor niggles
that can ruin any vacation. He addresses important
no-no’s like over-packing, over-tipping, and that irrestible
urge to nap on Day 1. He’ll help you avoid terminal jet lag
(no pun intended), tolerate obnoxious fellow passengers
and battle bed bugs. All from his experience of having ‘bin
there, done that’, even the bed bugs!
Originally from Liverpool in the UK, Steve (Grump)
continues to travel on business between USA, Europe and
Asia. Steve and his wife Karen live in Florida.
Cover photo by Samuel Zeller on unsplash.com
This edition of Grump’s Guide includes:
• How to avoid jet lag
• Top 20 British hotel room deficiences
• What makes the Brits so uniquely British
• Grump on British table manners
Coming soon …
Grump’s Guide to
The English Countryside
and (for Brits) New York
www.grumpsguides.com