The Ultimate Body Language Book

looking people will be found to resist mirroring, and extremely inward looking people can even
become uncomfortable with mirroring. Extreme inward looking people who wish to maintain their
identity will show their discomfort by consistently modifying their body positions to become different
than their counterparts so as to clearly maintain a line of separation.
Mirroring is also affected by another personality trait called the desire to “self monitor.” Self
monitoring is defined as the desire or ability to regulate oneself to fit into any given environment.
“High self monitors” are more likely to change their behaviour in lieu of the situation and seem to be
less consistent across context. This personality type is more likely to mirror others. “Low self
monitors” are just the opposite, and remain pretty much the same across most situations. They don’t
tend to feed off others or try to please them by acting differently in order to fit in. They seem less
interested in “belonging” to groups and seem hold the same values across settings. Naturally, this type
of person tends to mirror others much less.
The final reason for mirroring inhibition stems from having different goals. When ideas differ we want
to send a clear message that our minds don’t agree. Mirroring under perceived disagreement can
become particularly discomforting and put people on edge. Testing general agreement without using
risky verbal dialogue can be done by mirroring our counterpart and verifying the degree to which they
accept imitation. If they quickly adopt new postures, than there’s a good chance that they disagree.
Mirroring is reserved for those that are highly motivated to get along with others due to their
personality traits coupled with the rewards that are in it for them in particular.
Chapter 12 - Mirroring And Building Of Rapport
When Mirroring Can Backfire
Mirroring can backfire around people who want to dominate instead of build rapport. Your boss who
takes you aside and wants to put the “rivets to you” isn’t going to respond to mimicry. In fact, trying to
mirror him is likely going to make matters worse. In most cases, a dominant boss who displays
dominant body language is not interested in employing someone equally as dominant. The default
condition, or rule of thumb, to working with dominant people, unless lead otherwise (by your boss), is
to show submissive postures. Fight dominance in superiors with submission, that is, hold your legs
together, arms inward and hands on your lap.
There are a few exceptions when dominance should be fought with mirroring such as when we wish to
rise in ranks by building equality with our bosses or wish to compete head on with other dominant
people for positions or perks. Other times a boss will require someone specifically to hold a position of
dominance, so will be looking for someone who reminds them of themselves. Bosses will seek these
people for higher management. Lawyers can and should posture dominantly to each other. For them it
can work to thwart challenges. It is expected in lawyers, and in other professions, to fight fire with fire,
but in normal circumstances, mirroring will only raise the hackles of others further.
A second related instance where mirroring is not advised is during confrontation and aggression and
this defines our second rule of thumb which is to avoid mirroring in hostile situations. To avoid a full
blown fist fight, diffuse aggression with submissive postures. This doesn’t mean you can’t come out the
winner, it just requires a different approach. More than anything it requires defining winning in a
different way than traditional. In other words, walk away unscarred, alive and you’ve won!
The final caveat to mirroring is to use it only during win-win negotiations and avoid it during win-lose
negotiations. Win-lose situations are when one side clearly wins and the other looses. Poker is a win-