The Ultimate Body Language Book

verbal language.
Let’s take another example where the new boyfriend enters his girlfriend’s house, sits down on the sofa,
and makes himself at home totally oblivious to her father. The boyfriend has set a competitive tone and
if not challenged by Dad, he will continue to experience the upper hand. His relaxed ownership has
said to his girlfriends father that he is willing (but possibly not able – this is yet to play out), to usurp
his daughter’s interest and therefore take over his role as her caregiver. If Dad is a pusher-over, the
boyfriend wins. Smart Dad’s set the rules early and emphatically by polishing their guns in their
rocking chairs on the front porch!
As we see, territoriality means everything to relaxed postures. Where appropriate, such as with close
friends of equal rank, relaxed postures are insignificant, but when they happen within someone else’s
boundaries, they send a powerful message that are especially salient to the person who has laid claimed
to such boundaries. The owner of the property, wherever it might be, would much rather see cautious
and reserved body language from those entering their boundaries as a signal of respect. No matter the
result of the challenge, relaxed body language can help set the stage to achieve higher status. When the
challenge is not met, the user of relaxed body language enjoys his “free lunch”, and with this comes
freedom to choose and control future scenarios.
So far we have examined how relaxed body language can set up nonverbal power struggles between
those of differing rank, however, they can also maintain power rank when used by higher status
individuals in lower ranking person’s territory, or to tip the balance, when use by those in equal rank.
To see those of equal rank struggle for power, carefully examine the body language of leaders when
they meet. One of the best examples is when presidents and prime ministers, leaders of entire countries,
meet and jockey for the upper hand. Which leader appears more at home, relaxed, calm and collected?
Which one fidgets, or pulls at a collar, or tries to keep himself in the picture? You can learn a lot by
how leaders act when confronted with those of equal status.
I have mentioned a few examples thus far depicting relaxed body postures such as slouching in a chair
and tossing the legs up on a desk. They can also include leaning further back far in a chair, sitting deep
inside a comfy sofa (versus sitting at the edge in a ready position) dangling an arm over the back of the
chair, opening up the legs instead of crossing them, generally taking up more space and more open
body positions. A particularly obvious territorial display of confidence, authority and ownership is
achieved by spreading the finger tips on a desk carrying part of the body’s weight while standing
hunched over it. Onlookers will respect that the desk is in full control of the person carrying this
posture. If you want to know exactly how much trouble someone is going to give you, meaning just
how authoritative they are, just watch for how wide they spread themselves out across a surface. For
example, a store clerk might watch just how far the arms are splayed across the top of the counter. The
more spread the arms, the more trouble is coming their way. We see this type of body language most
often when there is a customer service issue where a sale failed to please. The gesture will be
accompanied by verbal demands and displeasure.
Relaxed body postures are really all about spreading out, taking up more space and looking as if you
own your environment so if your goal is to show ownership, picture yourself in your own domain, and
transport this frame of mind wherever you happened to be.
Of course with this type of body language there needs to be a disclaimer about intent. Most people,
especially high ranking people, are normally protective of their property (whatever this happens to be –
their house, office or favourite chair) so usurping their stuff, has the potential to alienate them, which is
why you really should consider what type of battle you are orchestrating. By extension, more
submissive gestures can serve to help gain someone else’s trust and instill in them a desire to help,
which can sometimes be a more effective way to achieve your goals.